Empty - ing

No idea where to start.  After fifteen years of not going to the dentist, I finally went yesterday and had two wisdom teeth extracted and some cavities filled.  The most dental work I'd ever had done previously was cleanings and one very tiny filling.

Brian brought me there and they gave me a magical liquid, along with some pills, tucked me in under a blanket on the chair, blindfolded me, and before I knew it there were people doing stuff in my mouth.  Yes I know that sounds dirty lol.  I was asleep for most of it.  The only painful parts were the needles in the gums, those were horrible, but didn't last very long so no big deal.

About two hours later, Brian was there and he took me back to his place and took care of me while I slept off the drugs.  I just need to make an appointment for a cleaning and I'm good - just gotta remember to floss I guess.

I do not feel less wise without my wisdom teeth, in fact, I feel even wiser ;-)

Last weekend I went to my niece, Amelie's dance recital.  She is three and adorable.  I've very proud to say she is the best dancer in her class and she absolutely loves the stage because after every group performance she yelled out "my turn!" lol.  And during intermission she ran up and gave a little show... and down the alley... and outside afterward... I love it.  I'm trying to find a video on the internets but having no luck.

This past Wednesday I had a pap.  Over a year ago they found abnormal cells during a pap so naturally they decided to keep an eye on things.  Well this time my gynecologist planned on doing a biopsy if any were found.  It's always a fun ordeal getting a pap, ya see, because it hurts like a sun of a bitch!  When I first started getting them it was not so bad - very uncomfortable but not enough to make me complain.  They were smart - they looked at me, saw they needed the SMALLER speculum, and proceeded with things as such.  For some reason that changed and it's like they're trying to stab my vagina.  I usually leave the office feeling sore, uncomfortable, and kind of abused to tell you the truth.  And this time was a gem.  He could not FIND my cervix.  He searched for like ten minutes with various instruments trying to find it.  "It should be there" I told him nervously.  It made me scared cause why the hell couldn't he find it?  He's a gynecologist!

Then he found it, but apparently couldn't see enough of it.  So then he tells me he's going to PULL my cervix out a little bit and so it might sting a bit O_O  What?  "Shouldn't it... stay where it's supposed to be?"  I said, terrified now.  The best part is that he doesn't even respond to my concerns, he just proceeds.  Thank gods for the nurse, she held my hand, she always tries to distract me from what he's doing and she tries to read my reactions for pain and then asks what kind of pain i'm feeling etc.  I think I will send her a card, actually, cause she's the only thing they have their that works, it seems.

And yes, it stung!  And I didn't even ask if he put it back lol :-s  After all that crap he tells me my cells are normal. *faints*

This past Saturday I attended  Amelie's baptism as her Godmother :-D  Brian and Drew came along, and Tiffani of course. While I'm not a believer in the religion, I do love Amelie and was happy to be part of it.  In fact, it was quite nice and she was of course adorable.  First thing she said as we entered the church - "Are we having cake?" :-p

She asked the priest what his white robes meant, she was really well-behaved and participated and I'm pretty sure she had some sort of spiritual experience if I didn't know any better. 

At one point, the priest asked that we all renew of baptismal vows.  No one there had ever been baptized aside from myself.  I found it really hard to repeat the words "I do" in answer to most of the questions being asked because I really really don't believe in those things, but I did what I could because it was for Amelie. The priest dropped his glasses in the bowl of water... that's how it ended hehe.

Then we went back to my mum's place for a while - she wasn't able to make it to the church because it was raining and her wheelchair would have gotten fucked up.

On Sunday, me, Brian, and Drew went to Gage Park.  It was a gorgeous day!  Brian and I sat under a shady tree on a blanket and ate some lunch, while Drew went back and forth between the water park and the playground.  Then around 3:30pm we all went over to where W.A.P. (whip and poi) was starting and spent the rest of the afternoon and good part of the evening with old and new friends. 

Drew played with the son of one of our friends while we lazed around.  I got to try out poi for the first time ever (finally) and I ended up enjoying it a lot more than I thought I would.  I seemed to pick it up quickly enough, I just have some major coordination issues to contend with.  It was really cool though.  I bough the stuff to make a pair but Brian lost it or something stupid but hopefully for next time.

What's interesting about this weekend, to me, is that Brian and I have been together for a year and a half (on Friday) and we've never had a picture taken of us - not accidentally and not on purpose.  It makes sense to me and it's sad but for some reason, this weekend we had two different people take our picture: my mum on Saturday (I hated the photo cause I'm a self-photo nazi) and then Dale on Sunday (which actually produced at the very least one good photo that I will share when I get).  We've had major ups and downs during our time together, things have been shaky, I won't lie (anymore), but I took the photo thing as an omen.  I hope so anyway.

Anyway, W.A.P. was good cause I really needed the social time and hopefully tomorrow will be good as well at the Hump Day munch.  I have a writer's meeting tonight but I feel like fainting so I'm gonna skip it.

What else can I tell you...

I've recently made some big discoveries about my future, about what I want to do with it, mainly.  And when I figured this out, it was great and I was very excited, and then it started to sink in: I can't do this because I am too afraid to talk to people, I'm too awkward and shy, too timid and anxious, too insecure because of it and there is no way you can be that way in the profession I want to go in.  So this was depressing.

Then I realized two other things:  a) I can't do ANYTHING worth doing if I'm this way and b) I'm not fucking shy people, I have social anxiety and THERE IS HELP.

I always thought it was just severe shyness.  I didn't even think it was that big of a deal but it just kept getting worse and worse and I didn't even see what it was doing to my life.  I kinda feel dumb for not even realizing and I think that's because I can and do socialize, but not without going through cycles of insecurity, anxiety, fear of not being liked,  etc etc and then when I AM putting myself out there for fear of being alone forever, I am so anxious that I stumble over my words, feel stupid and think no one actually likes me, they're just being nice. etc etc. etc.  It's ridiculous.  I just didn't put two and two together.  And now it's gone on so long that I don't know how to make much sense of it. 

I've been trying to use skills I learned in DBT lately, such as observing how I feel around people and taking notice of the thoughts I'm having and not giving into urges such as asking people if they like me (yes it's that bad). 

The fact that I realized I could have a future that isn't just confined to my little apartment studio (though that's good too) is what made me understand one of the major blockages preventing me from moving on with life, what is keeping me held back.  Now that I know what's what, I've already started taking steps toward healing.  I got a referral to a program, I'm going to be getting another referral to another program, and other than that I can look into support groups, good books, and practicing what skills I do have.

Unfortunately there's a very long waiting list but that is much better than nothing.  I admit it makes me sad and frustrated that I have to wait to get going with things but I have to remember there was nothing I could do about it if I didn't even know it was there.

I find it amazing how much we can miss about ourselves because we're right in the middle of it.  If only we could step outside ourselves once in while for analysis!

To be continued...


<3 M

Happy Birthday

 Today's entry is brought to you by the number thirty.

Yesterday was my thirtieth birthday.  I was woken up by Brian and Drew singing 'happy birthday,' bringing me the breakfast in bed they made me.  I've never had anyone give me breakfast in bed before - I felt very special and very loved.

He even made the eggs inside slices of bell pepper from something we found on Pinterest (thanks, Sunny, for getting us (me) addicted to that site :-p ).

Of course it takes me some time to get out of dreamland and become coherent so they were disappointed when I requested we do presents after I was done drinking my tea... you'd think I committed a crime or something lol.

They got me a pretty smelling candle with chocolates and candies, and an adjustable stand thingy to make it easier for me to read in bed since even holding up a book can be too hard sometimes.

I luff them so much.

That night, Jodie and Mike came over and we all went to a party where I got birthday beats.  They got me presents too!  A massage bar that made Jodie squirmy cause it was for "erotic" purposes; a bath bomb intended to unleash my desires, which also made her squirmy; a cool book mark, and special incense.  I don't know if I ever mentioned it, but Jodie gets squirmy when it comes to anything of the erotic nature - it's quite funny and cute.

I got tons of birthday wishes too, on my facebook, which made me very happy cause I loves my attention.

I've always loved my own birthday and have always reminded people of its coming well in advance.  I count down, I talk about it, and when it comes, I get giddy like a child and eat up all the attention.   But this year felt a little different: for one thing, my health has been crappy lately so I wasn't announcing my birthday from the rooftops like usual.  I was planning on planning something special for this year's birthday because I think thirty is a significant milestone of life - especially for me for many reasons, but again, the health took priority.  And I didn't seem to have the same excitement that I usually have on my birthday.  In fact most of the day/night didn't feel like my birthday, I kept reminding myself it was.

I don't know if this is because I wasn't well leading up to it so didn't do my usual stuff or make plans or because I'm *gulp* just getting old, or both, or neither.  I hope it's not the 'old' thing, we shall see I guess.

Anyway, I've been living in survival mode for a long, long time.  My thirties are going to be when I 'start' my life, and I'm excited about that.  I have goals for myself, and goals with Brian, and I'm looking forward to all of it :-)

I spent another long period not writing in my blog, which I hate, but it happens.  I wish I could be as regular as Sunny is with blogging.  I don't really know why I can't - I have a bit of a consistency problem perhaps.

Brian and Drew should be back anytime now from the children's museum so I'm gonna go get dressed.

Lots and lots of love,

M

Don't Drink The Wormwood!

I set the timer for three 15 minute intervals in a row: do you have any idea how much you can get accomplished in 15 minutes?  It's ridiculous.  I kept having to check the timer to see if it was broken because it seems like it should have gone off already.  Nope.  I got a lot more done than I set out to do because of this little trick - but more importantly, I got off my ass and started.  Fifteen minutes.  Mind you for more physical jobs like cleaning the apartment I think ten minutes may be a better idea, depending on my pain levels that day, because I found myself needing to sit around the ten minute mark.  But I pushed on I did!

Then I made myself a Swanson's microwave dinner and Mel came over.

And like the magi she is, she brought me frankincense and myrrh. This is the same friend whose handfasting I was at last Saturday, the one who was married by Santa :-D

I made a pot of wormwood tea.  Have you ever had wormwood tea?  It tastes like you're chewing aspirin.  No exaggeration. In fact, it's possibly worse than that. I got the stuff from Brian, who told me it was not possible to finish a whole cup of the stuff because of how nasty it tastes.  I had to test this theory, plus I wanted to see what effects it would have since it is well known for its ability to bring altered states and enhance the third eye etc. and since we were going to do readings, that would have been fitting. So we did our best to tolerate the horrific taste (with O.J. chasers).  I managed to finish half a cup, Mel was a real trooper and managed to finish all of hers.

The effects were good but not THAT good. Not good enough to repeat. I'll take my wormwood in incense form, thank you.

It was a nice, witchy night.

There's a story about her earrings that I find interesting:

Mel's step-mother gave her a pair of earrings that were owned by her sister.

The sister's name was Dana "Poppy" Pastori.  Poppy was her slave name.  She was planning to leave her bf/Master but I guess he didn't want to release her because instead, he strangled her and chopped her up into pieces which he then mummified and shoved into a box.

Her body was in that box for three years and then came Hurricane Katrina.  That's when her body was discovered.  He had kept her with him, even BROUGHT HER WITH HIM when he and his new gf moved.

Now he's in prison.

And her sister (Mel's step-mother) gave Mel the earrings that Dana had been wearing in that box the whole three years.  She told Mel she wanted her sister's spirit to "live with her."

So now Mel has these earrings...

Before mentioning any of this, Mel asked me to tell her what I felt from them (psychically).  That was on Saturday right before she was handfasted.  I felt nervous excitement.  Then I felt like the oxygen was cut off from my head and my ears started ringing.  So Mel then told me a bit about where they came from.

I held them again tonight, this time I felt like I was being pushed down and had a cutting pain in my arm right above the elbow.  Then Mel filled me in on a lot more of the details about these earrings.

I asked why her step-mother would want her sister's spirit to live with her rather than to move on - kinda weird don't ya think? But as the step-mother wished, Dana's spirit seems to now be hanging around Mel.  At least that's what she tells me.  But at least she's trying to help the woman move on, and I find it pretty cool that she seems to mainly be doing so in her dreams (yay dreams!).

Now there's a good lesson for all you Dom(me)s and Masters/Mistresses out there: if your slave wants to be released, it means s/he wants to end things, it does not mean you should go mental and pull an "if I can't have you, no one will" or something equally as psycho.

P.S. I love you Master! mwa!


<3 M

Flustergasted

 I've asked Brian to call me in the morning because a.)It's a hell of a lot nicer to wake up to him saying he loves me than it is to wake up to an alarm clock that makes me want to hide under the covers and b.)I've found it gets me up on a positive note that I carry throughout the day.  Today was the first day with him doing that.  It worked alright. I'll admit I went back to sleep for twenty minutes and the alarm woke me up the second time, but he asked me to meet him on messenger and I knew if I didn't he'd be calling again so at least I had a reason to get my ass out of bed.  I was really nervous that I wouldn't last the day without wanting to crawl back into bed but so far so good.

And my friend Mel is coming over this evening now so I have a reason not to go back to bed as well as a reason to tidy up around here.  We'll be doing some readings and whatnot.

But before the tidying up, I decided to set my timer for 15 minutes and work on my space.  The good news is that the job is easier than I thought and I worked on it for more like a half and hour cause I was sort of enjoying it.  It will take me way less time than I anticipated, which is awesomeness.

The bad news is that I made some messes while working and now I feel like my place is a bit overwhelming to have to tidy up.  I overwhelm easily.  I think if I set my timer again to 15 minutes like I did with the other project, I'll have an easier time feeling like I can actually tackle the job.  Mhmm yep.

The weekend is approaching way too soon... I have socializing planned and I don't feel ready to crawl out from my cave  yet.  Ah well.  Off I go to tidy.


<3 M

I Have Good Noms.

Two posts in one day?  Yeah. I didn't talk about any of the stuff I meant to in my previous entry.  Free-flow writing is like that, you never know where it's going to take you, and apparently my psyche needed to bitch about other things.

Anyway, on Monday, Brian met me after work and we went to Zum Linzer on Main for the Kinky Restaurant Crawl (it's the Kinky Restaurant Crawl only because all the people who come are kinksters, we do not wear latex and dog collars at the restaurants).

I've heard a lot about this place because a friend of ours (Ravenshire Fetish) is one of the cooks there. It's German cuisine -  If you've ever heard of the Black Forest Inn, well this place is even better and the prices are extremely fair  for what you get.

So a few good friends made it out and it was a fun night, which I really really needed cause as I've been saying, I've been living under a rock for quite a while.

I ordered the Schnitzel Cordon Bleu, which is ham and cheese wrapped in a pork schnitzel, with home fries (that are cooked in bacon fat O_O) and veggies.  It also comes with soup or salad to start as well as a basket of rye bread.  The Schnitzel Cordon Bleu sounds disgusting to me, but it tasted like heaven and I will definitely be getting that again some day.  The portions were huge and the meal was only thirteen dollars.  I usually hate pea soup and am not a big soup person in general but for some reason I felt like soup so I got the pea soup instead of the salad as my starter and it was fricken delicious!  Plus I had a Stiegl with my meal and I think that's one of my new favourite beers.

The service was really friendly, patient, and overall good.  The dining room was quaint, laid back, cozy.  And my entire bill was only twenty-one dollars (before tip).  Before going, I expected to be paying no less than thirty dollars for my meal but I was pleasantly mistaken.

Everyone decided to go out for ice-cream for dessert up to the Marble Slab Creamery on Upper James, but I went home instead cause I'm really poor this month.  I've never been there but from the sounds of it, I really really want to go.  Ice-cream = Good.

And because I somehow always manage to surround myself with geeks (I love it), what came out of the night was a spin-off group where we take turns hosting movie night where we watch corny, cheesy, horrible sci-fi movies.  Our first movie will be Barbarella.  There'd better be a lot of boobs.

Tuesday was the Hamilton Writers meeting.  That was good.  Of course since the meetings are held at Chesters - Beers of the World, I had to order a Stiegl, just to make sure it was still as yummy as it was the night before :-p  And yes, it was.

The majority of us are gearing up for NaNoWriMo, which is now only four days away.  As has been my tradition for three years now, I wait till the week before to fully decide I will participate and then wait still until it is just days away to consider what I might write about.  My first year was exciting - I had no clue whatsoever about what I was going to write about - nothing.  I still managed to make it past 50, 000 words but it taught me that I need to have at least some idea or plan before beginning so that it wouldn't be so hard to come up with things to write.  Not to mention the fact that the more planning that goes into it, the better chance of the piece being publishable with some work.  Mine was/is publishable with A LOT of work.

My second year I actually had an idea and did a very minute amount of planning.  It made the process much easier and I was able to soar past 50,000 words before the thirty day dead line.  The writing was/is good but it is unfinished.  I decided after the contest ended to take a short break from writing since I'd been writing like a mad-woman for thirty days straight and it's always good to replenish your creative juices and whatnot.  The problem is, I never picked it back up.

This, my third year, I have an inkling of what I'm going to write about.  It was a last minute idea that I will divulge to you later.  If I'm smart, I will do some planning for it because this is something I would actually want to publish eventually.  Should be interesting.

Among the things I've learned from participating in NaNoWriMo is a particular block I seem to have.  I'd love to figure out how to get around it:  the problem is, the writing I like to do most is very much like the writing I do when I make a blog entry - it is free-flowing, personal, and very much my voice, my personality.  But when I sit down to write something (other than a blog or journal), I can't seem to write this way.  I think a big part of the block is the expectation that whatever it is I've decided to write has to be a certain way or follow certain literary rules or be like the rest of the similar works. So I either end up stuck or I end up writing in a style that does not work because it is so "fake".. the voice is... lacking whatever it is that makes prose sound "true." It's hard to explain.  Others may like the writing I've done like this, but if I don't like it, it's not satisfying. 

Anyway, any advice would be appreciated.

My good friend Mel is getting handfasted this Saturday and I'm her witness.  This will be my first handfasting so it should be interesting.  I was invited to one around this time last year but a [insert horrible curse words and insulting adjectives] taxi driver made me miss it.

Then I'm off to Brian's for Sunday and Monday where we will be carving pumpkins and other Halloweeny goodness.  I miss him (and Drew) and wish they didn't live so far away :-( poop.

Though I will admit absence really does make the heart (and other body parts) grow fonder.



<3 M

Always The Wanna, Never The Be

Take one down, pass it around...

Another winter, another series of complaints cleverly disguised as blog entries by yours truly.  I do include other tidbits and can sometimes be insightful, so maybe it's not a complete waste of time.

Complaint of the day: so fucking drained of energy.  It's likely something I can fix if I really try, but the fact that I'm too tired to do so is the evil, viscous circle.

One thing I have learned though, no matter what may be ailing you, you will more often than not feel better if you have a glass of water.  I'm serious.  And this especially goes for lack of energy.  I think I need to go get myself some water now...

So it has been a little over one month since I quit smoking and for the last two days I have had inklings of regret.  I still don't want to smoke, in the bigger picture, but my god do I sometimes I want to smoke.  It's purely psychological and I'm pretty logical about it but what scares me is when I'm emotional: when I am extremely emotionally disregulated, most of my logic goes right out the door and my mind craves things it knows will give me immediate gratification... it wants me to soothe myself and tends to want to fall back on unhealthy, quick fixes... from over-eating, drinking, taking pills, being promiscuous, cutting, living in bed, etc. etc. and now one of those things is having a cigarette.

Cigarettes are an old friend.  We shared a sixteen year friendship, actually.  That's a long time to be addicted to something.  But as unhealthy a friend as they were, if I'm in enough distress, I have little to stop me from saying 'fuck it.'  And that scares me.  But at least I know no matter what happens, logic is never gone forever and will kick my ass if I give into the temptation.

It's funny, a cigarette does not do a thing for me chemically (I don't physically crave it anymore, that has passed) but psychologically it is an old comfort, it is a whole "this is who I am, this is part of my persona" thing, as weird as that sounds.  But I will be strong. 

I have quit five times before this and for some reason, this particular time feels extremely different than the other times.  I feel like I have a lot more control over it this time.  I dunno why. Maybe it's just that I have a lot more skills to use. 

I'm not enjoying the need to eat so much, it's never been a thing before, but I know that's temporary and it's much more worth gaining some weight that will likely come back off than smoking and all the health shit that comes along with it.  I mean, I was in the emergency room with asthma attacks... I think gaining few pounds is forgivable if it means staying out of the ER lol.

That's enough about smoking, I need something to eat :-p

Brian slept over on Friday night which was awesomeness.  One of my favourite things in the world is waking up with him there, waking up to him giving me a sweet kiss and holding me.  It's the perfect way to wake up and I really wish I could wake up that way everyday.  *Sigh* Desire is suffering... grumble grumble.

Anyhew, on Saturday he took me to Thai Memory for dinner.  It's a really nice place next to the Sky Dragon Center on King William.  The food is the best Thai I've ever had, the prices are good, and it's so serene - there's a big pond/fountain thing that I particularly love.  They're pretty cool there: if you pay with cash they take 5% off your bill and if you bring your own tupperware to bring home your leftovers, they take off another 5%.  Awesomeness.  I had a red curry chicken dish with coconut rice (mmmmm) and Brian had the Pad Thai (he has had many many Pad Thais in his time and he claims this was the best one yet).  We were unfortunately too full for dessert, which would have been ginger ice cream.

After that we walked over to the Citadel on Rebecca to go see a play that our friend was in: it was called "Suburban Motel" by George F. Walker (directed by Tyler Brent).  It consisted of two small plays: Risk Everything and Criminal Genius.

"Risk Everything" was definitely THE better play (not that the other one wasn't good), the acting was amazing and I'm looking forward to seeing more, and yes, Tara Smith (Hot-T from the Petit Fours) did steal the show ;-)

After that awesomeness we went over to Gallaghers for a friend's birthday gathering.  It is VERY hard to socialize when the music is so loud you can't hear the person next to you screaming in your ear.  It's a shame because I really like the atmosphere there.  Oh well.

Today is Sunday blah-ness time.  Had a two hour nap today, couldn't help it.

Tomorrow is the restaurant crawl and Tuesday is Hamilton Writers, so I'm sure I'll have more to write about.  Project Un-Isolate Marylin is well underway, but not easy :-s

P.S. I love you.








<3 M

The Oscar Goes To...

Today is lazy day here: I planned to do a butt-load of laundry amongst other things but it seems I have done only the minimum amount of required work and have spent most of the day doing stuff online

Last week I woke up in the middle of a revolution in Egypt.  It reminded me a lot of how I felt when I slept in on 9/11/01: I woke up all groggy to people panicking and just assumed it was some kind of joke or that my friend was over-reacting to something.  I felt outta the loop.

In this case, because I have woken up a lot since then, the more I heard/read/watched, the more enraged I became at the stupidity of government. It never surprises me, never fails to.. well, fail.  But I am extremely happy for and proud of the people of Egypt and hope they serve as an example that change IS possible, no matter how impossible it may seem.

Sigh.  Anyway...

I had an awesome weekend with Brian and Drew: we played games, had yummy snacks, watched lots of Simpsons, and cleaned some messy bedrooms.  Lots of fun, still a little sore from piggy-back rides but I'll survive ;-) 

This is Drew's impression of the ridiculous viral video 'Sittin' On Da Toilet'  - She is too cute.

 

In other news, I've been pondering what might go on in people's heads when they choose to make things controversial, ultimately making their own lives difficult.  When you treat a person like garbage and THEY end up extending their forgiveness to YOU, you would think the person would at least take that opportunity to leave the past in the past.  Apparently this is not logical for some people.  I guess this person wants to feel awkward and uncomfortable... seems a shame really, but not my problem anymore.  If you're going to be hanging out where I am hanging out and interacting with my friends you are not going to be able to avoid me, sorry.

Such is life.

And life is absolutely grand! :-)


Love M

You're An Asshole

We are social creatures; we need each other.  We are also, as a species, selfish assholes; we hurt each other.  What makes us keep those people in our lives who seem to lessen the quality of it?

People come into our lives, I beleive, not randomly, but quite intentionally (I don't beleive in accidents).  Unfortunately, this includes people who hurt us in various ways.  The paradox is that we need these people to be assholes (and the assholes have even more assholes - it's very much like an asshole pyramid scheme) in order to give us the opportunities for learning and growth.  The assholes in our life help us become better people, ultimately. 

So really we should be thanking people for being such assholes to us rather than letting their neurosis make us miserable.  We can choose to gripe and complain and continue whatever unhealthy dysfunctional relationships we're in or we can learn from the crap they have brought into your life and move on. 

You might notice that over and over again you attract the same types of asshole and the same melodrama seems to play out.  Well, you will just continue to do so for the rest of your life until (hopefully) you learn from it and apply the wisdom accordingly.

Here is how it works:

More assholes = more wisdom to apply to future relations = ultimately less and less assholes necessary. The less assholes you need in your life, the less of an asshole you are to others (yes you are and/or have been an asshole in some form or another whether you know it or not, otherwise there would be no assholes to speak of).  All of this equates to having better relationships and less asshole-ish-ness to deal with.  Mind you, learning never ends so there will still be an asshole on the horizon to sharpen us up, teach us more.

Well, this is how it works ideally.  The other end of the spectrum is not learning from the assholes, keeping them in our lives in one way or another, and continuing to have miserable relationships. 

I opt for the first choice O_O

But I find it hard, often, not to feel judgment toward those who just seem to "not get it" and continue a life of asshole-dom.  I am not the most mature person, that's for sure, but sometimes it feels as if I am the only one being an "adult" when it comes to dealing with interpersonal relations.  It surprises me less and less that people who are old enough to be my parent have the maturity of a two year old - and even my two year old niece knows better.   I know, I just have to remember that people tend to re/act from a place of fear and that deep down, everyone is vulnerable, everyone has been hurt, and everyone has fears.  Asshole-ish-ness is definitely a secondary emotion.

I think the point of all this 'thinking out loud' I'm doing here is to say that it is a wonderful feeling noticing the shift in my life from having a few sturdy people and a buttload of assholes to having more and more sturdy, real friends and slowly but surely less assholes.  It's really important to me to have a solid and healthy support system/relationships and I'm liking what is developing.  I know I have a lot of things to overcome if I want it to be this way: I need to reach out to people; I need to open up and not hide in my shell no matter how shy I am; I need to nurture the good relationships in my life and stop putting energy into the not so good ones; I need to stop being SO TRUSTING! (yes trust is good but I take it to another level).

I admit I'm a scatterbrain, especially these days with the fibro fog eating my memory and my dire need for more structure in my day to day life, and this more often than not results in me forgetting to keep in touch with people.  I will have to figure out how to not let that happen.  Like I said, we are social creatures and no matter how many times in the past I've wished I could just hibernate and not have any relationships whatsoever, the fact is, we need each other.  We are all a bunch of assholes who need to be with other assholes.  So poetic, I know.



Love M

End Of An Era

Back in the spring of 2009, a project called 'Vulva' was started by a couple of ladies who met on Suzi Blu's Mixed Media Art ning community: 'Vulva' was to be an online magazine run equally by all of us but right before it went public things went awry and 'Vulva' was never born.

Some of us still had an itch to continue with the project and after a lot of deliberation, Ms. Sunny Crittenden recruited the best of the best to get started with what became the online magazine 'Buttercup.'  I don't know how it happened, but it was as if this new group of people were a perfect fit to work together and I think that is the main reason why being part of 'Buttercup' was more fun than anything else.

After Sunny worked her ass off, the zine was launched in September of 2009 on Ning and was like no other publication out there: articles were published by all of us throughout each month and conversation was encouraged.  We had a forum and a ton of groups on almost any topic you could think of.  We even held chats a couple times for our humble, awesome little community.  Our focus was on diversity, creativity, and female topics, but ultimately I think it was about people getting together making each other think and having a hell of a lot of fun while doing it.

Buttercup published 8 issues, its last was April 2010 when we had to make the very hard decision to put the magazine to bed, mainly due to a bunch of new shit Ning pulled, including the fact that communities were no longer to be free.  We had a good run of it, did a lot of sharing and making friends, and I know I speak for all of us when I say I'm proud of what we accomplished and am glad I got to work with eight very awesome, very crazy individuals.

So this post is basically a goodbye to 'Buttercup' - it was awesome.  Thanks to everyone who read our articles, participated in our community, and supported us along the way.

Thanks to Sunny, Blake, Lexi, Jade, Jax, Katie, Anastacia, and Annie - I'll miss our Wednesday night meetings, no where else will I ever find conversation so full of shit (literally), boobs, menstrual blood, and penises.  I wish you all the best of luck in your future projects - I know they will be great.

*cue the sad music*

Love M.

Doll Parts

Sarah and Alyssa covering 'Doll Parts' at This Ain't Hollywood - awesome night.





Love M

The Summer Is Tricksy

I don't like the way my body/mind plays tricks on me during the light half of the year: what I mean is, every spring I start to 'come back to life' - I wake up from depression and low energy, I start to feel good and I start to really live the way I try so hard to live throughout the entire year but never seem to be able to during the dark half of the year.  This is, of course, wonderful.  The bad part about it this particular year is that never before have I worked so hard on improving myself than I have this past year and things are starting to really come together for me, slowly but surely.  My worry is whether or not it is only because it's spring and not because my hard work is paying off.  If it's only because it's spring, then I'm bound to fall once again when November comes around and that would really really suck because I'm so sick of the struggle.  But if it's not just a coincidence, well then that's a huge deal for me.

After severe anxiety, worry, and fear I finally FINALLY started going to the YWCA to exercise.  I almost passed out from panic just going there to sign up.  But something strange happened when I actually went to the gym to work out - as I was working my poor neglected muscles/body, I came to the realization that I was actually enjoying myself... I've told myself my whole life that I hate exercise, that exercise and I never got along, that I was born that way.  This is true in a way: I was, since birth, a very sedentary person, preferring to live in my head rather than do much moving.  But now I realize why I thought I hated exercise so much that it was making it next to impossible to start and keep to any kind of regiment: I have osteoarthritis and fibromylagia - both of those diseases are about pain, pain, and pain.  I'm in constant pain.  So whenever I've tried to exercise, it hurt like a bitch!  No wonder I didn't want to do it.  Turns out though, that if I stay away from the high impact stuff (cause that damages my joints and makes my disease worse) and make sure I'm not hurting myself in the "bad way," then it's actually enjoyable!  It still hurts, but it hurts in the way that it's supposed to hurt, the way exercise hurts any normal healthy person, that wonderful burn that tells you you're making your body stronger.  I actually like exercise, who knew?

I'm very eager now, I want to do so much, so I'm having to force myself to take my time so I don't overdo it and hurt myself or set myself up for failure.  I wish I had discovered this years ago, but you can't change the past.  So far I'm spending an hour at the gym three days a week.  Next week I'm going to start adding swimming (like aqua therapy, water jogging, etc) to my routine.  Eventually I want to be working out at least five days a week and I'd like to do some of the yoga and pilates classes they offer as well.  What a huge breakthrough for me!

I've been terrified for quite a few years now of starting any kind of routine in my life because in the past I have always failed and after so many times failing, you start to feel defeated and hopeless.  I haven't had structure in my life since I was in high school, and even then it wasn't very structured so I'm having to relearn how to do it in almost every aspect of my life.  I have severe "all or nothing" thinking, so that poses a challenge all on its own - it's like learning to live from scratch in a way.  But I have a kick-ass therapist and she suggested having a plan for failure: a simple concept yet I never thought of it.  I always thought I should just be able to pick up and start again if I failed, but it's not always that simple, and having an actual plan to follow is such a great concept and makes me feel more secure in being able to succeed.

So there's that.

In other news, I love plants.  Every single spring for years and years I attempt a garden on my balcony and every single year I kill my plants.  In the past I always thought it was because I end up neglecting them when I get depressed (which is true too), but this year I've realized, sadly, that I kind of don't really like gardening, and I'm kind of not very good at it lol.  I wouldn't say I have a brown thumb, but I'm having to accept that I should stop trying to have a damn garden and just buy the organic produce from those who know what they're doing.  I have a few plants out there now so we'll so how those do, but after this, I'm gonna go steal Sunny's tomatoes ;o)

What else is going on... my best friend is moving to another city :o(  This is really hard for  me, really really hard.  A  year ago I would be in bed crying all day and night planning my own demise over this, but I've grown a fuck-tonne and I will be okay.  It's going to be hard though, he's more than just a best friend, if that makes any sense.  And I guess after a year and half I should meet the girlfriend...  I'm kind of proud of us though - we managed to stay close friends after all the turmoil and heartache and through such difficult circumstances when it really would have been easier ultimately to go our separate ways, we knew the value of our friendship and chose the path less traveled in order to keep each other in our lives.  Who knew it could be done?  The hard stuff is still not over yet, but I think the majority of it is definitely behind us.  Here's hoping the future rewards us!


Love M

You Love My Hair

I feel like crap.   Like I just want to shed a few layers of filth, pain or whatever it is weighing me down right now.  I'm just so tired.  I'm also disgruntled at the moment because people fucking suck.  By people, I mean the men I bring into my life - why do they all despise me so?   I'm sure it's my own fault, but it's ridiculous.  If you don't like me, JUST FUCKING SAY SO - don't play games with me; don't brush me off and then find me when your dick gets hard or when you're bored, BE A FUCKING MAN.  I know, apparently I have a tattoo on my forehead that says 'slut' or 'no I don't mind being walked all over' - or at least that's what men like to think.  I'm so tired of being treated like less than human and I'm tired of writing in this thing about it because I'm not a man hater damnit, I'm just a magnet for getting hurt or something.  And I'm pissed off because I was blown off by a friend yesterday and he doesn't seem to register that fact... oh I'm a perpetual machine of forgiveness and gullibility.

St. Patrick's day was interesting: went to open mic night at the doors.  It was ok.  Some guy was stalking me around the bar continually demanding that I come home with him to fuck - I think the poor guy needs professional help but I didn't appreciate the boob grabbing and whipping out of the dick... I'm sure he went home alone.   I had my first green beer, watched some of the game on the big screen telly, ran into someone I haven't seen in over a year, made out with a hot chick who had really tasty lip gloss on, got about a million compliments on the awesomeness that is my hair, and ultimately met someone at the very end of the night who I hope is interested and doesn't turn out to be like every other fucking guy I meet.  I guess I'll find out...

For the very few hours I was awake yesterday, I threw together this video about nothing for the purposes of practice and getting used to the camera, etc.  I know I'm not photogenic at all but oh well.  I really am a camwhore at heart....



Until next time, be good and be nice!  (And thanks for letting me complain).

Love M

Thinking Way Too Hard About A Title

Ugh, I feel like the bear being forced to wake up because spring is approaching and it's time to gtfo of the cave now.  Well it's not a comfortable transition: I'm cold and tired and sore and I need a couple cups of coffee first, k?  My sleep has been screwy for the last week or so.  I tried to stay up today but had the wise idea of laying down and watching a documentary where a bunch of people perform Leonard Cohen songs, with him speaking randomly in between in that beautiful voice of his... that's all the lullaby I need.  I woke and decided to practice the guitar more but got flustered cause I couldn't find any good videos to help teach me.  I just wanted to learn the damn 'B' chord... that shouldn't be so hard, should it?

I was looking at my long neglected YouTube channel because I wanted to change my username since 'Lilith Kills' doesn't really reference much, I just think it's a cool name.  Apparently you have to make a whole new account to do that so I don't think I'm going to.  I have two videos on there and I'm thinking about making another one soon just for fun.  No idea what I'd do on it but I'll figure it out.  One of my videos is a sort of book trailer I made a long time ago to help promote my book and I thought since I could really use the money right now and I still have copies, that I'd share my cheesy video here and see if anyone out there wants to read some really good fucking poetry.  So, without further ado...



Thank you, thank you :op

In other news, I ran into a friend from high school last week at This Ain't Hollywood, who now lives in the city so that is awesome - I need more females in my life, especially ones who aren't dipsticks.   Speaking of TAH, all three bands were fucking good and I didn't realize Hamilton was harbouring such kick ass female rockers.  I am pleased.  I am also pleased (while we're on the subject of music) to announce that The Creepshow are playing The Casbah on the 31st and tickets are only $10 and I am very excited!  We (Buttercup) interviewed them back in October '09 and I loved them as soon as I heard them.  Hellz yeah.

I finished (for the most part) a piece that was inspired by Picasso in a way that I'm sure no one could possibly guess lol.  I really like it but I don't like it so much digitally - it lost a lot of awesomeness through the scanning process, but I'll show you anyway:



I'm going to a life-drawing class next month - I've never been to one but the price is very cheap and I want to take advantage of the experience.  I think it's going to be an ongoing thing so maybe I'll actually get good, ya never know!  It should be fun, anyway.

I know I'm all over the place in this entry but I want to speak briefly about publishing: am I the only one confused these days about what having your book published means?  Here is what I have always thought:  To publish your book, a publisher buys your manuscript and pays you royalties.  To self-publish your book, you design and print it (or hire someone to do that) and you make all the profit from sales (unless you've hired someone to market it or something).  And vanity publishing is paying some company (usually way too much money) to do everything for you, usually relinquishing most of the creative and financial control.  Have these definitions changed in the last few years?  I realize reading the wikipedia definitions clarify, but in reality, I've come across many people who don't seem to realize the difference.  I dunno, I guess it's just a stupid pet peeve and I wish the lines were more distinguishable/explainable.  Sigh.  It just reminds me of the damn poetry.com bullshit all over again.

Anyway, St. Patrick's Day tomorrow... not really a special day but I'm going to go out anyway and have a green beer because I've never actually had one before.  I know, it's just beer w/food colouring, but still, it's green.

Okay, get lost now!



Love M

Hey! I'm Blogging Here!

Meh I just feel like writing random things.  I'm having kind of a blah Friday night here with George (actually, it's just me, George is too cool to hang out with me so he's chillin' on the bed).  Listening to the few tracks available right now by Evelyn Evelyn.  Watched 'Capturing The Friedmans' whilst working on an art piece (believe it or not, inspired by Mr. Picasso, even though the actual piece really has nothing to do with him or his work... figure that one out... I haz artistic license bitches).  Bob Dylan's on now.

I'm simultaneously gathering video, audio, and images of the good doctor (Hunter S. Thompson, of course) to put on a disc for future enjoyment.  I just don't get tired of that man and his genius.  He really is beyond fascination and more closely definable in spiritual terms... a deity... more important than sliced bread.  Or maybe this is just the fixative fumes talking - they're pretty strong.  The can says not to smoke...

I wish I had bought that bottle of wine after all.

Know what's ridiculous?  The fact that the majority of us westerners live in perpetual preparation for the future, whether it be the next half hour from now, the next month, the next decade, doesn't matter, it's what we do.  And we do this until we die, which means we've never really lived because we were too busy preparing.  And the really dumb part about that is we're not psychic, we don't know exactly what is going to happen in the future and we all know that plans never go the way they're "supposed" to.  What is the point of that?  We live in anxiety, the giant 'to-do' lists dangling above our heads, telling us we'd better not (Steve Sinnicks now) waste any time because we have to get these things done first and then we can enjoy ourselves... lmfao I don't know about you, but I've never not had a to-do list. Sure I get stuff done - but more stuff comes up to replace that stuff I just did and there are always things on that list that sit there FOREVER, taunting me, making me feel bad, lingering at the back of my mind when I'm trying to sleep at night and meanwhile I'm wondering why in the world I have insomnia or why in the world I'm so tense.

Instead of wasting our very short lives worrying about what needs to be accomplished, we should be enjoying the fact that we're alive and actually LIVE. And sure, we can be a bit anal sometimes about getting stuff done, but I really think that should count for the minority of our time, not the majority.  While I'm aware, lovely readers, that I'm far from the first person to point this out (Courtney Love now), these thoughts have recently made their meaning much more relevant to me and they are not just an important philosophy to strive for, so much as a major key in having a reason to get up every morning (I'm the kind of person who needs life to be meaningful, and if there isn't a real meaningful purpose or reason to live, well, that's just fucking depressing.  I also know these thoughts cannot really be stated enough, we all need reminders.

Of course, all of this makes much more sense within a Buddhist, dialectic context: namely mindfulness. Okay, /super enlightening speil... now.

What else is on my mind as of late... men.  I'm sure I'm going to get myself into trouble for something I'm about to say, but don't I always?  I am, after all, the queen of inappropriateness (note the ego).

I've been really pissed at the male species these days because it seems to me, at least in my experiences, that men have the ability to find extra special ways of being douchebags.  And I love men, I love men very much, and I'm not the type of person to typecast a whole group based on the behaviour of a few, but I am batting like, 99/100 here people. It definitely boggles my mind. (hey! fuck you Alexis On Fire! They only have samples on their MySpace page, pffft. Just kidding, love you George! But I'm putting on Sarah Blackwood now...) So anyway, I'm a big fat sucker.  I get stung by men over and over and yet I keep coming back for more.  Okay, maybe I am at least a little bit masochistic, but my tendencies usually go more along the lines of having my nipples pinched, not being lied to, used, blown off, etc.etc.

The only conclusions I've been able to come to are:

1. Men truly are so completely different than women, at least in the way they communicate, act, and often times think.  Duh, we all know that right?
2. Men aren't nearly as brave as we think they are - muscle does not equal heart of steel and so they have many fears and anxieties (just like we do) which seem to be expressed in ways that tend to piss women off.
3. Why? Well I'm assuming it's because society conditions them to "be men" and not show fear.  They're not encouraged to express themselves so how can we expect them to be able to?  I'm not saying they're cavemen who can't communicate, I'm just saying that they're more likely to shut down or fly the coop if fear or difficulty arises.

On the other hand, there does seem to be a plethora of men out there who actually ARE fucking jerks.  I hate to say it, but most of my friends are male and most of them are the ones confirming this conclusion.  Like, lying to someone to get them into bed?  Yeah, that's a jerk thing to do. Fucking jerk.

This line of thought doesn't really have a point, mostly because I have no idea what the moral of the story is, or how one can avoid the jerks or how men can all of the sudden learn to express themselves in healthy ways.  I would like to add, however, that I'm fully aware that us women are nuts as well, we're just nuts in completely different ways then men... both sexes are fucked in our own special ways.  But if you're a guy and  you're reading this, what the hell man?  what the hell...

P.S. I think there should be a 'Thank You' card or something like that for really really good oral sex.



Love M

Christmas Morning

Thank you Jeeesus for being boooooorn."



Yeah, right. I'm listening to South Park Christmas songs to brighten my mood.  I don't think people should be sad on Christmas if they're not dwelling on sad things and trying to focus on the good things - it doesn't seem fair - but for some reason, here I am, feeling like shit (though a lot less shitty than I did earlier).  I started feeling down the day before Christmas eve and it has progressed from there.  I guess it's a bit inevitable - I'm lonely so I'm going to feel it a hell of a lot more now than I would on any other day of the year.  I know it's really just another day, but to be realistic, it's not - you know it's not.  It's a time to spend with your loved ones: it stopped being a religious thing for most people a loong time ago.  You can try to think of it as any other day but trust me, I've tried that one, it's almost impossible. I can even hear my neighbour enjoying her loved one right now.

I do have one very special thing to look forward to today, and that's my fourteen month old niece, Amelie.  I'm going to try to focus all of my attention on her, after all, it should be about the young ones - it's a magical time for them, especially before they realize they want STUFF.  I'm pretty annoyed that my camera won't work so I can't take any pictures of her, but hopefully one of my brothers will.  I'm also really looking forward to Don coming over later.

I just need to get through to January 2nd and I'll be alright.  New years eve will be hard, but who knows, maybe I'll have someone special to spend it with next year - gotta stay positive right?  I'm looking forward to writing 2010 rather than 2009 - yes, I am a nerd, we know that.

Ways I have tried to cheer myself up today: singing, putting on make-up, watching Bush say dumb things on YouTube, came three times, did a half smile, and listened to South Park Christmas songs.  See?  I try, lol.  Emotional disregulation sucks.  Feeling incredibly lonely sucks.  Loving people way more than they could possibly love me back - well, that doesn't suck in theory, but it does when you're not very high up on anyone's list of people to care about, such is my case.  Being a downer and writing depressing things on my blog sucks.  Okay, I got that out of my system.  Oh, I forgot to mention that I am also PMSing.

Remember kids, you can suck all the dick you want and still be virgin.





Love M.

Emotional Hemophilia

I'm using notepad to write this due to LiveJournal having erased my damn blog the other day, right when I was done typing it, but before, of course, I had a chance to post.

I currently have zero drama going on in my life (thank gods) and nothing immediately worrisome or depressing going on.

That feels nice. Freeing.

Now I'm left with me to deal with! I'm doing a good job, considering, but I have a nagging feeling of... I don't even know... it's just unsettling.

Like, what's going to happen now?

Anxiety about the next thing that will trigger me because I know too well it kills me everytime: it's very black and white - right now I feel happy and hopeful... tomorrow, depending on what happens, I could want to kill myself (knock on wood).

A feeling of being lost, having no footing, being unsure of my self/life, feeling scattered and unfocused.

Oh the joys of mental illness.

The only explanation that comes to mind is that I'm undergoing such drastic change in my ways of thinking, behaving, and believing that I'm not sure who or what I'm becoming... unfamiliar territory.

That's an awesome thing. If I'm wrong, then I really don't know what's up. Do anxiety disorders have to be triggered by situations or can anxiety arise on its own accord?

That could be it. Who knows.

In other, not so unrelated news, I'm finally starting the DBT group next Tuesday. I've been on the waiting list for a couple of years for this! DBT is apparently the make or break therapy for people with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I used to be very bitter about not having had this therapy before... before any damage to my relationship(s) was done. But now I realize that whatever happened, happened because I needed to go through certain things and to learn certain lessons.

A bitter-sweet realization, but better late than never.

Anyhew, it's a thirteen month long intensive group therapy - two hours a week with a group and one hour a week with my therapist one on one. Lots of homework in between.

I'm really excited but a little nervous, to be honest, about walking into a room full of women who have the same illness I have... I wouldn't even be able to handle one of me, let alone a group of me! But I know I'm just being silly ;o)

Along with the DBT stuff, I'm also working with an Al-Anon sponsor and have been going to meetings.

Since I've started doing this, I've learned so much about myself, others, and a lot of things that apply to my life as both a person affected by alcohol and a person with BPD.

All I can say is I'm growing daily and my life is already so much better after only a few weeks.

I can only guess how much growing I'll do for the next thirteen months as I do the DBT and Al-Anon... they're very similar actually.

Okay, enough mental stuff! I'll re-touch on some of the stuff I wrote the other day that LJ erased...

In March, I asked my subscribers to vote for my friends sunnybananas and 4bit4 (aka Sunny and Blake Crittenden) in the Hypercube contest.

The contest was a seemingly cool attempt to market their 2009 Nissan Cube using nothing but social media (twitter).

Fifty creative Canadians had a seemingly fair chance at winning and Sunny and Blake were among those fifty chosen.

I'm a lazy gal, so if I didn't believe the Crittendens to be exceptionally worthy or winning a car, I would never have posted about it on my blog, or spammed multiple online venues seeking votes for them.

They worked their asses off for months during the contest, I know how much time, effort, and energy was spent on their part: putting their lives on hold in the belief that this was a fair contest.

So by the time the judges were ready to announce the winners, most of us assumed either Sunny or Blake, or both of them, would be coming home from the event in a brand new car.

When that didn't happen, we were left scratching our heads.

These two entries in Encyclopedia Dramatica explain quite well why shit went down the way it did: A simple case of the worst execution of a marketing competition I've ever heard of, to put it lightly.

http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Hypercube
http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Hypercube_Aftermath

Read it, it's a good one.

Speaking of Sunny: You're one tough lady! I'm glad you're doing okay (considering) and I hope they gave you a strong enough cocktail to not be in too much discomfort, and to hopefully get a decent high ;o) You are very loved <3

Completely random thought: I wish there was a healthy diet that didn't require counting, weighing, portioning, etc. of the food.

And shame on you, Winking Judge, for having the worst service I've possibly ever had the other night:

• I arrived around 6:45pm, ordered a drink, and sat down.
• The waitress eventually came over and asked if I wanted to order food, to which I responded that I would wait a bit, since my friend had yet to arrive.
• At 7pm, friend arrived.
• At 7:45pm, we were both wondering when in the world the waitress was going to come and take his order (yes he'd been there 45 minutes and no one had served him!).
• So he decided to go to the bar and get his drink.
• At about 9:30pm after we'd both long finished our one drink of the night and felt quite invisible and disgruntled (and hungry!), we concluded that we were not welcome.
• I went to pay for my drink (no tip of course) and the waitress actually forgot that my friend had already paid for his drink.
• We left, puzzled and not buzzed.

So folks, from 6:45pm to 9:30pm (two and a half hours I believe), we were approached by the waitress once and once only. She never came to our table. The place was empty. She was sitting and reading a newspaper!!! Horrid.

Anyway, to top off the lovely service, I went to the washroom and there was no fucking toilet paper in the stall.

We are going somewhere else next time.


Love M

Ladies Don't Show Anger

Hmmm. Sometimes, when I'm doing well, I feel as if it's only a matter of time before sadness catches up and contains me. I'm not being emo, I'm just saying, I'm doing okay right now, on the right track it seems, but I feel so fragile - afraid of the next trigger - I don't know how to overcome such intensity.

Maybe I'm not supposed to fight it? Maybe if I accept it as part of my experience that sometimes I'm going to get really fucking sad and I should just take from it what I can. That sounds fucked up though. Too many questions, not enough answers...

The man I love is with another woman and I am reminded of that regularly because he's my best friend and I've chosen to stick it out with him. That's like living with a constant raw wound. It does get easier to cope, but when the pain comes, it still feels as fresh as it did when it began. But I've chosen that sacrifice. Accepted one pain rather than another. I don't recommend it. But I don't regret it either.

It will be okay though, somehow. I just hope she realizes how lucky she is.

And I'm filled with anger and resentment. I realized this not long ago, how pissed off I am in general. I've never been an angry person, but I am filled with it now. I'm angry at the people (the men in particular) who have treated me disrespectfully. I'm especially angry at myself for allowing it, even inviting it, unknowingly.

That won't be happening anymore. My eyes have been opened. Find yourself another doormat/victim.

Apparently, it's sort of good that I'm angry: it's given me the motivation and desire to start pushing/fighting back.

But the resentment that comes with the anger? What do I do with that?

If I allowed you to treat me a certain way and I now decide that was wrong and I won't play that role with you anymore, does the relationship end? Or does it continue in a new direction? And how can it continue in a new direction when I still feel so much resentment toward you? And how can I be so resentful toward you when I played a part in it too?

You are choosing the pursuit of a brand new love interest who happens to be my best girlfriend. If what we did have together had been healthy, this is still pretty fucked up territory - I'm thinking that me being bothered by this is quite called for.

Let me think for a minute: If I had something with a guy and decided (without so much as a word) that I wanted to hook up with his best friend instead, would the guy be upset? Well, unless he had absolutely no respect for me in the first place, he would be quite perplexed.

I think I'm angry right now and I think I'm going to say, in my anger, that is not cool.

There is a reason the resentment keeps popping back up, no matter what I do, it comes back, and I think it's for the simple reason that I have been fucked over. Makes sense?

I also have a hard time dealing with the knowledge that what I thought was a solid friendship turned out to be something not so real.

How do I begin to come to terms with it? The only thing I know is that after someone hurts you over and over, you should really stop giving them the opportunity.

I want my friends to be happy. But I also want my friends to be my friends and not expect me to be okay with things that no one but the Buddha himself would be okay with. I don't even fully know what I'm saying, but I'm saying it lol.

I feel like it's only a matter of time before people get sick of my emotional incoherency and leave me so they can be happy... wtf does that mean?

Having to second guess yourself all the time really makes it difficult to gain confidence ya know.

But I'm not gonna end this entry on a sullen note cause I'm not all tears and fears - I just tend to write more when I'm down.

I'm going through a ginormous learning/growth period and good things seem to be happening. Well, a lot of these good things are disguised as bad things, but I can recognize them for what they are.

I just keep having to remind myself to calm down and take things moment to moment, otherwise I'll lose my way in a big tangle of my own thinking. Mindfulness.

I am ever humbled by the power of the brain - I think the trick is to work with it, not try to take total control of it, if that makes any sense.

So grateful for my friends,

Love M

Geeks Are Sexy

Showing VS Telling... is actually pretty hard when you're trying to do it on purpose. But let's keep that between you and I and pretend all my writing comes out flawlessly and effortlessly - shhhhhh.

Myself and a few members of my writing group are collaborating on a collection of short fantasy stories, making this - let me see - my first attempt at writing fantasy. Yeah, so I'm a bit out of my element, which is good, don't get me wrong, it's always good to step out of ones comfort zone, but it is also a bit nerve racking.

I haven't even thought of a story to write: I just sat down and started writing and I have no idea where it came from or where it's going but there it is.

Last night was the Think Haus meeting - fun stuff. Men are silly creatures! But they are fun creatures nonetheless so it's all good. We're planning on having at Maker Faire at the end of the summer, but keep that on the down-low cause we JUST started planning.

Lots of projects going on. Tonight is a super top sekret meeting for a super top sekret project so mind your fucking business! ;)

This Saturday Jodie and I are gonna hit the Maker's Market downtown. I'm not entirely sure what that is, but I'm almost positive it involves many booths with many artisans selling their wares. Homemade stuff rocks!

Next weekend I'm getting picked up by a strange man (love you Ronny!) and being driven up to Barrie where I will get shit-faced with my awesome friends Sunny, Blake, Lexi, the aforementioned strange man, and some other hobos. I have not been drunk in a while so don't judge! lol It's all for Canada Day... that's right... Canada Day.

The Black Dahlia.



I chose the movie because Mia Kirshner is in it and she is hot. So maybe that was a bad thing to base a choice on? I think so, because the movie kinda sucked. Plus, she was barely in it! I don't want to look at Scarlett Johansson thank you very much!

Oooh! Onto yet another subject, I'm going to Ikea tomorrow morning for the first time, and though I hate the idea of Ikea, I have heard that it is indeed a weird place to be so I wanna see for myself :P

Today is fun with Don day.

Uninteresting blog post written - check.

Be good.


-Love Marylin.

Blog Withdrawal

Hello!

I feel like I haven't blogged in forever! I guess I got away with it for having written a novelette last week. That was interesting... an experience I've never had that's for sure. I wrote this entry expecting a few angry comments, a few ugly words flung at me for outing their previously untouchable queen of mixed media. Not so. Here I am, two weeks later and there is currently about 1090 comments posted.

Turns out my story wasn't so different then the experience of quite a few others and my entry was the "event" or gateway they needed to speak about it.

During these two weeks, I experienced a lot of ignorant folks (or, to be fair, ignorant comments) that leave me still scratching my head in bewilderment. I now realize that people will only see what they want to see. They will only believe what they want to believe, or what keeps things safe for them. People will skip the important parts, and when that happens, there's just no use in discussing it. A lot like conversations I've had with Christians (no offense, I speak about certain ones, not all of them).

But if you start with the truth, continue with the truth, and come out at the end with the truth, you've done the best you can.

There is now a place for people to talk about their experiences with this woman without fear. That is a wonderful thing and it will stay right where it is.

Anyway, onwards and upwards!

Now that I've got that ton of bricks off my shoulders, I'm sticking my nose in a bunch of other awesome endeavors.

I'm moving my workspace (hopefully by next week) into the other room where it is bigger and has a balcony! I'll get to enjoy the natural lighting and that yummy fresh air I never get enough of. Just need to figure out how to set up all the crazy internet wires again (I'm not used to the cable set up) and I'm good to go. I'm excited!!!!

There is a good possibility that I will be joining the Arts Hamilton Literary Advisory Committee - apparently Hamilton has Literary Awards, how did I not know this?

I've started a collaborative writing project with some of the members of my writing group: it's an idea that was raised probably a year ago but nothing ever happened with it.

It should be fun, help get people writing, and hopefully come out in the end with a publishable piece.

Project hackspace has come quite a ways in the past few weeks: a location has been found and the lease is to be signed any day now I believe. So June 1st is probably when we 'get' the place. Though I'm still waiting to see how involved I'm going to be in this whole thing. It's funny though, a bunch of nerds who all think they're the best at stuff (myself and Don included) so it makes for an interesting time - everyone of us as arrogant as the next lol.

I've been enjoying talking with Poe, Camille, and Kelly again more often now that all cats are outta the bag - I love my internet friends :P Sunny is my internet friend as well but she lives so close that she's practically a rl friend too - especially when I go visit her, which I'm sure will happen sometime in the near future. Then I get to meet Lexi toooooooo!!!! woot!

Other than all that, I have a few other projects that I'm not gonna tell you about because they're none of your fucking business.

Just kidding, no, they're not ready to reveal yet so you'll just have to wait ;)

And no I haven't forgotten about the Hamilton 24 Hour Film Festival that I have yet to talk about - sheesh I'm behind on things... it's coming!

It feels good to blog again, that was a loooong two weeks and I missed you guys.

You shall hear from me again soon,


-Love Marylin.

It Really Is Gross

First 'what the fuck' of the day is my continual shock at how people can be so two faced and get away with it. I think it keeps surprising me because I always want to believe the best of people. The verdict is still out on whether or not that makes me the idiot, or them.

This chick I know, we'll call her S, (who just might be crazier than I am), is now all buddy-buddy best friends forever with this other chick I know, who we will call J, when just a few weeks ago, S was totally bad-mouthing J and saying she would never be friends with her because yada yada yada (basically a bunch of stuff that she now apparently doesn't care about). Not only that, but J wasn't too keen on S either.

Why does it bother me enough to be writing about it in my blog? Maybe because I know that S is and has deceived a lot of people under the guise of genuine love and healing and to my knowledge, no one has ever called her out on it. I don't think she's ever really had to face the consequences of her actions and I guess I'm saying that's bullshit. And I was a victim as well.

Maybe it's hard to react to - how do you deal with someone who seems to be the epitome of passive-aggression? My only hope is that karma will straighten things out.

Most of my friends are men, and for a very good reason - girls suck. Girls can't co-exist without bullshit ensuing. But I'd been missing having a gal-pal to talk to - talking exclusively to men about my problems was starting to fuck me up lol. So I thought I'd open myself up to girlfriends again, which was wonderful until heads began to double and I was once again reminded why there aren't many girls in my life.

I don't get it. THIS is what's keeping us from running the world, ladies. Save the drama for your mama.

Anywho, I'm not writing off females again, I'm just gonna be a lot more careful from now on and especially avoid situations where there are too many vajajays (that one's just for you Sunny) in the same room.

Speaking of Sunny - she's a girl. She's awesome. Hopefully I will find more where she came from as far as gals go. I'm too naive for this society damnit.

Anyway, just remember that if you care at all about having any class, lop off that second face right now and bury it deep in the ground because, in the words of Bob Saget, "that shit ain't right."

Oh lordy, who will censor the censors?


-Love Marylin.