Believe In...

Random 2013 art journal page.


<3 M

An Artist's Date

 Random 2013 art journal page.



<3 M

It's Cold Outside

 Random 2013 art journal page.


<3 M

Here Comes The Sun

Random 2013 art journal page.


<3 M

Who By Fire

 

Random art journal page from 2013.

 

<3 M

Supercrawling

I didn't wanna go to the Supercrawl - I was sore and way too anxious to be around all those people.  But I forced myself because I guess I felt I would rather be in pain and have anxiety than to sit home like I always do and feel like the world is spinning without me, and I'm watching people live their lives in ways I just cannot.

I love my city and the things I love most about it are things I have difficulty participating in because of my illnesses and social anxiety and that pisses me off so much.

So I went with Brian.  There were about 200% more people there than I imagined - it was huge and awesome.  I was nervous and overwhelmed but after being there a while, I started to relax and focus more on the art than on how I was feeling and how I might look to everyone else.

And I had a good time and felt the same inspiration I always do when I go to the Art Crawl, except much more so. 

I  bought a small print by local artist Megan Rae:

 

She has a lot of work I really like, and a lot of pretty cool surrealist stuff, like this Dali-esque peice:

 

 You can see more of her stuff here and on her website here.

I also bought two prints by another local artist, Tim Francis.  After working at Dofasco most of his life, he retired in 2004 and opened a gallery on James St. N.  

I got signed prints of Irving's clothing store on James Street that I cannot find a picture of for some reason, and a larger print of This Aint Hollywood:

We decided to end the evening by stopping at This Aint Hollywood for a drink.

I love this city.



<3 M

Painting Progress Pt.1

<3 M

 

Blank Canvas

Must. Make. Art.


Oh - it's on.


<3 M

Be Kind To Yourself

(flowers I  bought myself)

<3 M

Too Afraid

And I'm not sure how to change that.

I know how to change my social anxiety and I'm sure that will help, but this seems to be something else as well.  I hadn't really thought about it before now, not sure why, maybe I wasn't ready for the truth?

If I get excited about something, I will talk myself out of going for it.  There are dozens of reasons I give myself to rationalize not doing something.  This is what I've been living like.  And now look at my life - I'm not living it.  I mean I'm not experiencing and pursuing things and that makes me feel stagnant, useless, and pointless.

But enough about what it has done to me.

I don't want to focus on the problem - the problem has had enough time to thrive.  I want a solution.

Last night on Facebook, I saw the Hamilton Conservatory For The Arts was giving classes.  I thought about taking the beginners photography class because I've lately discovered taking photos is kind of enjoyable - don't know why I never felt that way before, but anyway...  I thought it would be a good thing for me to do to expand my horizons, learn some things, meet some peoples, etc.  The place is really close to where I live and the money isn't a problem.  Aside from the fact that I don't think I have the right kind of camera, there was nothing stopping me from going for it - except of course, myself.

I didn't know what happened in that moment between enthusiasm and deciding against it, but I believe it kinda went something like this:

Me: ooh exciting!
Myself: scary.
Me: It's close by!
Myself: Still far enough.
Me: I can learn a lot and have fun!
Myself: You're not a photographer, you have more important things to attend to before you go taking classes on subjects that won't even help your livelihood.
Me: This would be really good for my social anxiety exposure therapy.
Myself: That's too much to handle right now.
Me: I never do anything.
Myself: you can't handle it.
Me: okay, I guess you're right.

*Sigh*

I've been "disabled" for basically my entire 20's.  My issues changed me and the way I live my life tremendously.  But unfortunately, I allowed it to define and devour me.  Being enveloped in health problems for long periods is a great way to neglect every other thing in life.  I wasn't able to do so many things I wanted to do or used to be able to do so I guess somewhere along the way I stopped trying and reinforced the belief that I can't handle things, even though I consciously know/or at least think I can handle many things, I block myself from living the life I want to live.

Sure, I have some challenges that make it hard to do everything I'd like, but that doesn't mean I can't at least do some.  I'm afraid of social situations but I can fight through that.  I am way too easily overwhelmed... so I don't have to do everything all at once... I am in pain a lot of the time... so take it easy?  So why doesn't "myself" understand that?

And I know I have a lot of fear about being really far out of my comfort zone, and imagining that discomfort can be enough to make me do nothing.

How can I change this pattern? (not a rhetorical question).


<3 M

11:11:11

(IM conversation on 11.10.11)

marylin houle 10:49 AM 
tomorrow is 11.11.11

brian 10:49 AM
so it is

marylin houle 10:49 AM
that's pretty important

brian 10:49 AM
y

marylin houle 10:50 AM
it's an important spiritual number, hard to explain, you should google it

brian 10:53 AM
just seems like a lot of numerologytheory
a lot of doomsday stuff, weddings, a movie released about it
veterans/rememberance day

marylin houle 10:59 AM
well, it's more than that. years and years ago i noticed i was seeing different variations of the number 1 - like 11:11 or 1:1 and that kind of thing, but mostly 11.11. anyway, seems like coincidence, but it kept happening so much so that it was starting to get freaky. it was happening all the time, i was seeing it on everything. I would look at the clock precisely at 11:11 all the time or wake up and the clock would be at 11:11. It was freaking me out. Then a few years later (it was still happening, it just seemed to go in cycles) i found out online that there's a whole crap load of people out there who have the same exact thing happen to them. It was freaky. The gist of it apparently, was that it is supposed to be an "awakening" number meant to stimulate something inside of certain "energy workers" - sounds loopy, I know, but it's also eerily familiar and right as well
i still see it in cycles, usually when I am on the right track

brian 11:00 AM
i used to have the same experience a long time ago, but for me it was 12:33

marylin houle 11:00 AM
well, if you read about it, different people see different numbers, but the main one is 11.
i try to be skeptical about it but having experienced what i did, it's hard

brian 11:01 AM
numbers ARE fascinating

marylin houle 11:02 AM
well, they are so part of everything.

brian 11:02 AM
as a part of a global consciouness, humans see numbers and patterns and interpret them in their own ways.
but I think it's because we want to control the numbers, not because the numbers control us

marylin houle 11:03 AM
i don't think it's either
numbers can't control anything. and people want to control everything, but they can't lol

brian 11:04 AM
11:11:11 is a date that is based on calendar system created by humans. And that's not even a global thing, that is a western thing. other parts of the world use different systems

marylin houle 11:05 AM
what does that have to do with anything though. the number 11 is not just in a calendar

brian 11:05 AM
no but this instance of it is.

marylin houle 11:06 AM
yes, tomorrow

brian 11:06 AM
another thing to consider is that the repetition of 1s in eleven is also a human creation -- the base 10 number system

marylin houle 11:07 AM
that doesn't really make a difference though
in this matter

brian 11:07 AM
explain

marylin houle 11:08 AM
just because something is man made, does not mean it can't have spiritual meaning, whether attributed by man himself and/or coming from a spiritual realm as some kind of expression to man for whatever reason

brian 11:08 AM
ah i see what you mean
personally I think it is the first thing you said
but it could be either

marylin houle 11:11 AM
it could be either or both or none, in this case i'm not sure it matters because it is a positive thing for most and i don't believe in coincidence so i think it's a phenomenon joining these people together for a reason, whatever that reason may be, but their intentions are purely about healing and awakening

brian 11:11 AM
i tend to agree with that

marylin houle 11:11 AM
and i just looked at the clock at and it's 11:11
lol

brian 11:11 AM
so it is






<3 M

Random Art: Part 13

Materials: decorative paper, water soluble pencil crayons/crayons, pen, acrylic paint

<3 M

Random Art: Part 12

Materials: acrylic paint

<3 M

Random Art: Part 11

Materials: acrylic paint, pencil, pen, decorative paper



<3 M

Random Art: Part 10

 Materials: acrylic paint, gesso, marker, water-soluble crayon/coloured pencil





<3 M

Random Art: Part 9

 Materials: acrylic paint, water-soluble pencil crayons, pencil




<3 M

Random Art: Part 8

Materials: oil pastel

<3 M

Random Art: Part 7

Materials: coloured pencil



<3 M

Random Art: Part 6

Materials: gesso, acrylic paint, charcoal



<3 M

Random Art: Part 5

 Materials: acrylic paint, pencil, gesso, etc.

<3 M