From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.
Give me hunger,
O you gods that sit and give
The world its orders.
Give me hunger, pain and want,
Shut me out with shame and failure
From your doors of gold and fame,
Give me your shabbiest, weariest hunger!
But leave me a little love,
A voice to speak to me in the day end,
A hand to touch me in the dark room
Breaking the long loneliness.
In the dusk of day-shapes
Blurring the sunset,
One little wandering, western star
Thrust out from the changing shores of shadow.
Let me go to the window,
Watch there the day-shapes of dusk
And wait and know the coming
Of a little love.
I sing
because I must
being made
of singing dust,
and I grow
like twisted tree
having neither
symmetry
nor the structure
to avert
the falling axe,
the minor hurt;
yet of one thing
I am sure
that this
bears my signature:
that I knew love
when it came
and I called it
by its name.
Happy Halloween! Kinda. I'm tired tired tired and had to force myself to blog right now because all I feel like doing is chilling out with a movie.
Halloween is my favourite time of year, but I'm not doing anything to celebrate, at least not tonight, anyway. Yesterday we (Brian, Drew, and myself) did Jack-o-lanterns, which made me happy. I want to post a picture of them but they're on Brian's phone and I don't want to bug him to upload right now cause he's kinda bummed out about his ginormous hard drive up and dying... understandable. I'm sure I will do my own little celebration this week - I usually at least do a reading to sort of forecast the coming year. That might be interesting to share with you.
Midnight marks the beginning of NaNoWriMo 2011. This is my third year participating. Keeping with tradition, I haven't prepared anything so it should be another interesting experience. Because of how tired I am I probably won't start writing until the morning. I've found getting as much writing done in the morning gives you more freedom to make up for any possible procrastination or life interruption later on in the day. And if you manage to get your minimum word count in before lunch, anything else you happen to write after that is a bonus.
I plan to be a bit of a writing machine this month: I'd like to go well beyond the 50,000 word mark and at the same time, blog here at least a few times a week. I know it will be easy to just say that I don't want to blog because I'm doing enough writing as it is or that I want to concentrate solely on the novel, but screw that, doing both is just fine.
Two posts in one day? Yeah. I didn't talk about any of the stuff I meant to in my previous entry. Free-flow writing is like that, you never know where it's going to take you, and apparently my psyche needed to bitch about other things.
Anyway, on Monday, Brian met me after work and we went to Zum Linzer on Main for the Kinky Restaurant Crawl (it's the Kinky Restaurant Crawl only because all the people who come are kinksters, we do not wear latex and dog collars at the restaurants).
I've heard a lot about this place because a friend of ours (Ravenshire Fetish) is one of the cooks there. It's German cuisine - If you've ever heard of the Black Forest Inn, well this place is even better and the prices are extremely fair for what you get.
So a few good friends made it out and it was a fun night, which I really really needed cause as I've been saying, I've been living under a rock for quite a while.
I ordered the Schnitzel Cordon Bleu, which is ham and cheese wrapped in a pork schnitzel, with home fries (that are cooked in bacon fat O_O) and veggies. It also comes with soup or salad to start as well as a basket of rye bread. The Schnitzel Cordon Bleu sounds disgusting to me, but it tasted like heaven and I will definitely be getting that again some day. The portions were huge and the meal was only thirteen dollars. I usually hate pea soup and am not a big soup person in general but for some reason I felt like soup so I got the pea soup instead of the salad as my starter and it was fricken delicious! Plus I had a Stiegl with my meal and I think that's one of my new favourite beers.
The service was really friendly, patient, and overall good. The dining room was quaint, laid back, cozy. And my entire bill was only twenty-one dollars (before tip). Before going, I expected to be paying no less than thirty dollars for my meal but I was pleasantly mistaken.
Everyone decided to go out for ice-cream for dessert up to the Marble Slab Creamery on Upper James, but I went home instead cause I'm really poor this month. I've never been there but from the sounds of it, I really really want to go. Ice-cream = Good.
And because I somehow always manage to surround myself with geeks (I love it), what came out of the night was a spin-off group where we take turns hosting movie night where we watch corny, cheesy, horrible sci-fi movies. Our first movie will be Barbarella. There'd better be a lot of boobs.
Tuesday was the Hamilton Writers meeting. That was good. Of course since the meetings are held at Chesters - Beers of the World, I had to order a Stiegl, just to make sure it was still as yummy as it was the night before :-p And yes, it was.
The majority of us are gearing up for NaNoWriMo, which is now only four days away. As has been my tradition for three years now, I wait till the week before to fully decide I will participate and then wait still until it is just days away to consider what I might write about. My first year was exciting - I had no clue whatsoever about what I was going to write about - nothing. I still managed to make it past 50, 000 words but it taught me that I need to have at least some idea or plan before beginning so that it wouldn't be so hard to come up with things to write. Not to mention the fact that the more planning that goes into it, the better chance of the piece being publishable with some work. Mine was/is publishable with A LOT of work.
My second year I actually had an idea and did a very minute amount of planning. It made the process much easier and I was able to soar past 50,000 words before the thirty day dead line. The writing was/is good but it is unfinished. I decided after the contest ended to take a short break from writing since I'd been writing like a mad-woman for thirty days straight and it's always good to replenish your creative juices and whatnot. The problem is, I never picked it back up.
This, my third year, I have an inkling of what I'm going to write about. It was a last minute idea that I will divulge to you later. If I'm smart, I will do some planning for it because this is something I would actually want to publish eventually. Should be interesting.
Among the things I've learned from participating in NaNoWriMo is a particular block I seem to have. I'd love to figure out how to get around it: the problem is, the writing I like to do most is very much like the writing I do when I make a blog entry - it is free-flowing, personal, and very much my voice, my personality. But when I sit down to write something (other than a blog or journal), I can't seem to write this way. I think a big part of the block is the expectation that whatever it is I've decided to write has to be a certain way or follow certain literary rules or be like the rest of the similar works. So I either end up stuck or I end up writing in a style that does not work because it is so "fake".. the voice is... lacking whatever it is that makes prose sound "true." It's hard to explain. Others may like the writing I've done like this, but if I don't like it, it's not satisfying.
Anyway, any advice would be appreciated.
My good friend Mel is getting handfasted this Saturday and I'm her witness. This will be my first handfasting so it should be interesting. I was invited to one around this time last year but a [insert horrible curse words and insulting adjectives] taxi driver made me miss it.
Then I'm off to Brian's for Sunday and Monday where we will be carving pumpkins and other Halloweeny goodness. I miss him (and Drew) and wish they didn't live so far away :-( poop.
Though I will admit absence really does make the heart (and other body parts) grow fonder.
somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff
not my poems or a dance i gave up in the street
but somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff
like a kleptomaniac workin hard & forgettin while stealin
this is mine/this aint yr stuff/
now why don't you put me back & let me hang out in my own self
somebody almost walked off wit alla my stuff
& didn't care enuf to send a note home sayin
i was late for my solo conversation
or two sizes to small for my own tacky skirts
what can anybody do wit somethin of no value on
a open market/ did you getta dime for my things/
hey man/ where are you goin wid alla my stuff/
to ohh & ahh abt/ daddy/ i gotta mainline number
from my own shit/ now wontcha put me back/ & let
me play this duet/ wit silver ring in my nose/
honest to god/ somebody almost run off wit alla my stuff/
& i didnt bring anythin but the kick & sway of it
the perfect ass for my man & none of it is theirs
this is mine/ ntozake 'her own things'/ that's my name
now give me my stuff/ i see ya hidin my laugh/ & how i
sit wif my legs open sometimes/ to give my crotch
some sunlight/ & there goes my love my toes my chewed
up finger nails/ niggah/ wif the curls in yr hair/
mr. louisiana hot link/ i want my stuff back/
my rhytums & my voice/ open my mouth/ & let me talk ya
outta/ throwin my shit in the sewar/ this is some delicate
leg & whimsical kiss/ i gotta have to give to my choice/
without you runnin off wit alla my shit/
now you cant have me less i give me away/ & i waz
doin all that/ til ya run off on a good thing/
who is this you left me wit/ some simple bitch
widda bad attitude/ i wants my things/
i want my arm wit the hot iron scar/ & my leg wit the
flea bite/ i want my calloused feet & quik language back
in my mouth/ fried plantains/ pineapple pear juice/
sun-ra & joseph & jules/ i want my own things/ how i lived them/
& give me my memories/ how i waz when i waz there/
you cant have them or do nothin wit them/
stealin my shit from me/ dont make it yrs/ makes it stolen/
somebody almost run off wit alla my stuff/ & i waz standin
there/ lookin at myself/ the whole time
& it waznt a spirit took my stuff/ waz a man whose
ego walked round like Rodan's shadow/ waz a man faster
n my innocence/ waz a lover/ i made too much
room for/ almost run off wit alla my stuff/
& i didnt know i'd give it up so quik/ & the one runnin wit it/
don't know he got it/ & i'm shoutin this is mine/ & he dont
know he got it/ my stuff is the anonymous rip[ped off treasure
of the year/ did you know somebody almost got away wit me/
me in a plastic bag under their arm/ me
danglin on a string of personal carelessness/ i'm spattered wit
mud & city rain/ & no i didnt get a chance to take a douche/
hey man/ this is not your perogative/ i gotta have me in my
pocket/ to get round like a good woman shd/ & make the poem
in the pot or the chicken in the dance/ what i got to do/
i gotta get my stuff to do it to/
why dont ya find yr own things/ & leave this package
of me for my destiny/ what ya got to get from me/
i'll give it to ya/ yeh/ i'll give it to ya/
round 5:00 in the winter/ when the sky is blue-red/
& Dew City is gettin pressed/ if it's really my stuff/
ya gotta give it to me/ if ya really want it/ i'm
the only one/ can handle it
Ugh, I feel like the bear being forced to wake up because spring is approaching and it's time to gtfo of the cave now. Well it's not a comfortable transition: I'm cold and tired and sore and I need a couple cups of coffee first, k? My sleep has been screwy for the last week or so. I tried to stay up today but had the wise idea of laying down and watching a documentary where a bunch of people perform Leonard Cohen songs, with him speaking randomly in between in that beautiful voice of his... that's all the lullaby I need. I woke and decided to practice the guitar more but got flustered cause I couldn't find any good videos to help teach me. I just wanted to learn the damn 'B' chord... that shouldn't be so hard, should it?
I was looking at my long neglected YouTube channel because I wanted to change my username since 'Lilith Kills' doesn't really reference much, I just think it's a cool name. Apparently you have to make a whole new account to do that so I don't think I'm going to. I have two videos on there and I'm thinking about making another one soon just for fun. No idea what I'd do on it but I'll figure it out. One of my videos is a sort of book trailer I made a long time ago to help promote my book and I thought since I could really use the money right now and I still have copies, that I'd share my cheesy video here and see if anyone out there wants to read some really good fucking poetry. So, without further ado...
Thank you, thank you :op
In other news, I ran into a friend from high school last week at This Ain't Hollywood, who now lives in the city so that is awesome - I need more females in my life, especially ones who aren't dipsticks. Speaking of TAH, all three bands were fucking good and I didn't realize Hamilton was harbouring such kick ass female rockers. I am pleased. I am also pleased (while we're on the subject of music) to announce that The Creepshow are playing The Casbah on the 31st and tickets are only $10 and I am very excited! We (Buttercup) interviewed them back in October '09 and I loved them as soon as I heard them. Hellz yeah.
I finished (for the most part) a piece that was inspired by Picasso in a way that I'm sure no one could possibly guess lol. I really like it but I don't like it so much digitally - it lost a lot of awesomeness through the scanning process, but I'll show you anyway:
I'm going to a life-drawing class next month - I've never been to one but the price is very cheap and I want to take advantage of the experience. I think it's going to be an ongoing thing so maybe I'll actually get good, ya never know! It should be fun, anyway.
I know I'm all over the place in this entry but I want to speak briefly about publishing: am I the only one confused these days about what having your book published means? Here is what I have always thought: To publish your book, a publisher buys your manuscript and pays you royalties. To self-publish your book, you design and print it (or hire someone to do that) and you make all the profit from sales (unless you've hired someone to market it or something). And vanity publishing is paying some company (usually way too much money) to do everything for you, usually relinquishing most of the creative and financial control. Have these definitions changed in the last few years? I realize reading the wikipedia definitions clarify, but in reality, I've come across many people who don't seem to realize the difference. I dunno, I guess it's just a stupid pet peeve and I wish the lines were more distinguishable/explainable. Sigh. It just reminds me of the damn poetry.com bullshit all over again.
Anyway, St. Patrick's Day tomorrow... not really a special day but I'm going to go out anyway and have a green beer because I've never actually had one before. I know, it's just beer w/food colouring, but still, it's green.
Yeah I kinda felt like writing a post orgasmic blog entry - what can I say? My mind is clear at the moment. Who, reading this blog right now, thinks my previous sentence was inappropriate, gross, perverted, tmi, or anything along those lines? Is that something any decent human being would say out loud for anyone to hear or read? If you are a man reading this, do you imagine me to be easy, maybe slutty, something like that? Not the kind of girl you would take home to mom? Girls, is that something you would ever share? These questions aren't rhetorical, I'd love to hear feedback on this because I'm continually perplexed about how people make their judgments and what society in general deems 'normal' or 'decent'.
Women, for one thing, fit into two categories for your convenience: I am either a madonna or I'm a whore. A madonna-kinda gal would never have such sexual thoughts or feelings and wouldn't show an inch of cleavage let alone talk about her desires. But the whore, she'll give it up to anyone, any place - she wants you to see her as purely sexual, without brains, dumbed down for your convenience and she has no shame so she doesn't care who knows it. I liken this to the belief in good and evil, of God and the Devil (I'm sure this will offend some but I'm also sure I've already accomplished that so I'll proceed) - Believing in an absolute anything such as a being that is solely 'good' and a separate being that is solely 'bad' is no different than calling a rainstorm 'all bad' or... I'm currently unable to think of an 'all good' example that is simple enough to use but the rainstorm will suffice because we all know that rain serves its purpose and without it there would be problems, but we also know that storms can be dangerous, they can start fires, etc. I think it's safe to say that it's impossible to label anything as 'good' or 'bad' because nature (the world) doesn't work that way.
Nothing exists in the world that is absolutely positive or absolutely negative, nature is balanced and it's pretty cool. To believe in an 'all good' God and an 'all bad' Devil is to go against nature and that wouldn't make much sense now, would it? And doesn't it say somewhere in one of those bibles that God created man/the world in his (ha!) own image? If that were the case, not only would God have to possess some 'evil' by default, but would he not also be a hermaphrodite? Anyway, you get my point, I hope.
Following this logic, can any one woman fulfill the madonna role or the whore role? Think about that when you make your judgments. And also think about which ideal you'd prefer: do you want to marry the madonna? The one you can take home to mom, the one who will be saintly and behave herself and be proper and of course sleep in a separate bed... or do you want to marry the whore, the one who you need to hide from decent eyes but who will make life pretty fun and exciting, and will be up for a lot of fun in the sack...? Obviously you can't choose just one because to have one without aspects of the other leaves the person lacking what you need in a partner. I'm not saying there are no people out there who take on way more of the 'whore' role than the 'madonna' role and vice versa, I'm just saying that the more realistic version of a woman (or man!) is a healthy mixture of the two: a gal you can have an intelligent conversation with, who can meet the parents, and who can also make you roll your eyes to the back of your head. People jump to judgments quite naturally - it's what you do with them that matters: society does not make up the rules of your personal belief system and if it does, that is sad. No one is stopping you from being aware (or are they?).
And while I'm on this train of thinking, I'd like to add FAT DOES NOT EQUAL UGLY. "Nothing's either good or bad, but thinking makes it so" and if society/the media has brainwashed you into being repulsed by someone who takes up a little more space than you do, you might want to rethink the reasons why you react that way. Fat person gross, Iranian person terrorist, lawyer crook, black person thief, southern person stupid, blond person bimbo... yeah. It's that whole absolutes thing again, there's no. such. thing.
Coming full circle, I'll conclude that as a writer and a female (who grew up going to Catholic school) I've always struggled with censoring myself when it comes to what I can or cannot say - always resisting the urge to go a little further (not to push any envelope, but because it's what my muse is insisting) because of the whole 'what WILL they think!?' thought in the back of my mind. I don't want to do that. I don't want to be fake, I don't want to suppress myself, I don't want to go half-ass (especially with something as important to me as writing), I don't want to live my life according to what others expect of me or what others feel comfortable with. So, if I make you uncomfortable or if I evoke any strong judgments in you, I only ask that you take a moment to consider why you have these kind of reactions.
"I define nothing. Not beauty, not patriotism. I take each thing as it is, without prior rules about what it should be." --Bob Dylan
I went and did a silly thing: I signed myself up to be a participant in NaNoWriMo 2009. Part of me wished I'd decided to do this a lot earlier so I'd have a good amount of time to figure out what the hell I'm gonna write about, perhaps an outline of some sort? But it wasn't until a little less than a week ago that I decided to 'just go for it already!'
I've been aware of the basic idea of NaNoWriMo for at least a few years now - it's hard not to hear about it when you socialize with writers on a regular basis - but every year I forget about it until the buzz once again begins and it's almost sign up time. And every single time, I say something along the lines of "oh I'll participate next year so I can be more prepared." Yeah right! So it dawned on me that if I continue to say "maybe next year" I'm never gonna do it. And if I can't do that, what the hell am I doing?
The idea is much less daunting than I'd imagined - the hardest part sounds like word output. 50,000 words isn't impossible, but a bit over 1,500 words a day looks a lot smaller than it is! Oh well, bring it on! I guess it's probably a good thing that I signed up so late in the game cause now I barely have any time to freak out about it. I can see how easy it would be to scare myself out of this, or scare myself into panic and end up with horrible writer's block, eeesh.
So I've got my official NaNoWriMo page - feel free to add me! I even created a separate windows user account called 'NaNoWriMo' that is set up for as little distraction as possible - just me and Word. I think I'll use that account from now on for writing. I just now saw the demo for the desktop version of Write Or Die and I really really want it - it's tons better than the online version and it's only $10 - that way, I can cut off access to the internets in my NaNoWriMo user account. I'm gonna sleep on it.
My main concern for this project is that I'll have a lot of other shit to do in November and stress out about doing this and a good chunk of the experience will be lost - I'm doing my best to get what I can done before the weekend to ensure this doesn't happen. I'm a busy girl!
But what I'm most excited about is writing a novel! I'm well aware that what I submit at the end of November will not be a publishable, if even readable manuscript, but it will be 50,000 words or more that I can work with, edit, and draw from after November to complete something I can be proud of.
As for what I'm going to write? I have no idea! I have little to no plan right now and it's both scary and liberating. I will be using an unusual method to figure out what story I'm going to tell - I'm going to use tarot cards (and or some other interesting oracle) to create my outline. I haven't figured out the details yet, but I think I'm gonna do it tomorrow so stayed tuned! I recommend any writer invest in a deck of some sort because as odd as it sounds, they're a writer's best friend.
I'll try to keep updating as I go along, and have a word tracker thing-a-ma-jing so you can cheer me on.
I'm very sore and tired but happy because I got a lot done today. Things seem to be settling down a bit so I'm just getting back into the groove of it all - blogging included. I feel icky when I go too long without blogging.
This summer has been interesting, weather-wise, and it's almost at an end. I've done a whole lotta work on my self in the past few months and it's been rigorous stuff coming out of my comfort zone. But I'm doing good and I'm only getting better from here.
I've been working on a top sekret project with Sunny and six others since before the summer and it's finally come to fruition: The Buttercup E-zine's premiere issue came out on September 1st and has been going very well so far.
What it is is an online community (forums, groups, chats, photo sharing, etc. etc.) that publishes articles throughout the month and allows a platform for discussion about those articles. That's part of what makes it unique.
We offer a female-focused (male friendly) atmosphere, 100% bullshit free, diverse, creative, and growing by the day.
Anyway, I'm loving it. You should join too ;o)
(Man, it's hard to blog and eat corn on the cob at the same time. Hard, but not impossible!)
I'm not really sure what to say right now, so I think I'll just apologize for the neglecting of the blog and mosey on over to Buttercup and see what people are talking about.
I was just telling my friend earlier that blogging has pretty much become one of my coping tools. That's a pretty cool thing: before blogs/online journals/forums/what-have-you existed, this level of sharing didn't exist to us. There was no way (as far as I know) to write a journal entry and let the world read it (or at least the few wonderful people who subscribe to me).
Some people think that doing so is stupid. Whatever floats your boat, but I've found blogging to be not only cathartic, but probably the most effective tool I have to get through a time of distress.
Anyway, so many blog these days, there must be something to it...
So! I got Akoha in the mail!!!
(Yes that is my address, and yes I do want you to send me mail... friendly mail, that is!)
Anyway, I'm very excited. sunnybananas told me about Akoha Cards and I finally decided to get them. As far as I'm aware, it's an interactive game where the point is to pay-it-forward and the more you do, the more points you get.
These puppies come at a time when I'm feeling the need to be more generous, so I think they'll probably help push me into that frame of mind. Yay!
My only concern is finding people who will 'play' the game. If I use one of the cards on someone, I give them the card and they are supposed to go online and enter the code to indicate it was given to them and they have to pay-it-forward to someone else, and on it goes. The problem is I don't know many people who would be into actually doing that: putting in the code and then paying-it-forward. I dunno, it's probably cause most of the people I know are male... I think gals seems to be more open to this kind of thing.
Sooo now I'm just figuring out where to start :o)
Oooh, shiney new deck:
Don't mind me, I haven't gotten anything good in the mail in a loooong time - I was hurting!
In other news, my first attempt at guacamole was seemingly successful - I thought that shit was complicated to make. Nope.
My next new attempt in the kitchen will be, I believe, biscotti. I don't know why, I just have this compulsion to make biscotti *shrugs*
shrinkingalice asked something on Twitter about wands today. Got me reminiscing... brought out the wand I made a few years back (that's really how long it's been since I've used it) and after admiring the awesomeness of it, realized I'd grown out of most of these sorts of tools.
Anyway, I told her that wands are used (in a nutshell) to direct energy. To which she replied "so does it make the energy more powerful than just pointing with your hand or something?"
No. No it does not, lol. And if that is the case, than why do people use them? It's not just the wand, but a plethora of other such tools that every new Witch feels he/she must have.
That's pretty normal. Paganism, in it's huge growth spurt over the years, has gotten quite complex in its many paths and traditions: to try and learn them all would take a lifetime, and each one (some more than others) is so intricate and complex in its many beliefs, rituals, pantheons, and special tools or sacred objects it is quite mind-blowing.
Don't get me wrong, I love that. When you're first starting to learn you just absorb all the information you can. You buy books and (especially books for beginners) these books tell you what tools you will need and (hopefully) what those tools are for.
You certainly don't need any of them, but acquiring them does no harm either. You love your cool witchy stuff - who doesn't? I wanted all the tools too: I slowly acquired many, most of them second hand or made myself (like that wand).
If you're not just a show-off, a lot of these tools have uses and that's the main point of having them: the wand aids in directing energy. It represents air. Using a wand to direct energy does not make it more powerful, but it can greatly aid in the visualization necessary to direct said energy. Knowing this, many tools can be a great thing for the those starting to learn and practice.
I reached a point in my path where the 'stuff' involved in this way of spiritual practice started to turn me off. I would step back and look around me and see the Pagans showing off their stuff, selling their stuff, buying more stuff, stuff, stuff, stuff.
I'm sorry, but there comes a point when enough is enough and so much stuff gets distracting and in the way of the actual spirituality of it all.
So I say, tools: very cool, especially good for learning how to work with energy, but not at all necessary.
We have a Pagan Pride Festival here every autumn that I used to attend. But I started to notice that most of the actual festival was people selling their wares! So much vital stuff was missing that goes to the root of what Paganism is about. Very depressing. I don't go to the festival anymore.
Anyway, I guess I'm trying to say that material things should really be in moderation lest they become more important than your spirituality.
I'm probably going to catch a lot of flack for saying this, but the Pagan community has come off way to 'religiousy' for my liking. I grew up Catholic and left organized religion for very good reasons. By no means do I wish to be part of another. That's why I never called myself Wiccan - Wicca is a religion, a Pagan religion, but a religion nonetheless.
I think I'm now rambling and likely lost my point somewhere along the way.
Hmmm I'll close this rant by saying: you already have everything you need to practice spirituality and to be connected. You always will. Everything else is just extra.
Showing VS Telling... is actually pretty hard when you're trying to do it on purpose. But let's keep that between you and I and pretend all my writing comes out flawlessly and effortlessly - shhhhhh.
Myself and a few members of my writing group are collaborating on a collection of short fantasy stories, making this - let me see - my first attempt at writing fantasy. Yeah, so I'm a bit out of my element, which is good, don't get me wrong, it's always good to step out of ones comfort zone, but it is also a bit nerve racking.
I haven't even thought of a story to write: I just sat down and started writing and I have no idea where it came from or where it's going but there it is.
Last night was the Think Haus meeting - fun stuff. Men are silly creatures! But they are fun creatures nonetheless so it's all good. We're planning on having at Maker Faire at the end of the summer, but keep that on the down-low cause we JUST started planning.
Lots of projects going on. Tonight is a super top sekret meeting for a super top sekret project so mind your fucking business! ;)
This Saturday Jodie and I are gonna hit the Maker's Market downtown. I'm not entirely sure what that is, but I'm almost positive it involves many booths with many artisans selling their wares. Homemade stuff rocks!
Next weekend I'm getting picked up by a strange man (love you Ronny!) and being driven up to Barrie where I will get shit-faced with my awesome friends Sunny, Blake, Lexi, the aforementioned strange man, and some other hobos. I have not been drunk in a while so don't judge! lol It's all for Canada Day... that's right... Canada Day.
I chose the movie because Mia Kirshner is in it and she is hot. So maybe that was a bad thing to base a choice on? I think so, because the movie kinda sucked. Plus, she was barely in it! I don't want to look at Scarlett Johansson thank you very much!
Oooh! Onto yet another subject, I'm going to Ikea tomorrow morning for the first time, and though I hate the idea of Ikea, I have heard that it is indeed a weird place to be so I wanna see for myself :P
And this is what the test looks like. was recruited to help write the script for a team headed by a member of my writer's group. The team consisted of myself and the producer, Steve, as well as Sean, Mike, and one or two other guys whose names are escaping me (John and Tim? Something like that, anyway) as writers, a director whose name I also do not recall, Ted, whose role to me is unclear but was a helpful one, Jeanette - who rocks, and an actress who I did not meet because I wasn't involved in the filming process and she was the actress.
We met at Sean's and waited for the phone call telling us what our line, prop, and location was - until we received that information, we couldn't really do much.
But when the phone call came, it was pretty bad: the prop was a Canadian flag, the line was "show me the money," and the location was inside a car. Probably some of the shittiest prompts I've ever heard in combination. "Show me the money"? Yikes.
Okay The Hamilton 24 Hour Film Festival. Approximately three weeks later, I will now blog about it.
The Hamilton 24 Hour Film Festival is a film making contest in it's second year. The gist of how it works is you get people together to form a team and sign up. Each team receives the same line, prop, and location and the contest begins.
For the next 24 hours, your team has to conceive, write, film, and edit a movie that is no more than five minutes long and utilizes the line, prop, and location given.
The film must be handed in within 24 hours, not a minute later, or it is disqualified.
Sound like fun folks? Well it is.
I was recruited to help write the script for a team headed by a member of my writer's group. The team consisted of myself and the producer, Steve, as well as Sean, Mike, and one or two other guys whose names are escaping me (John and Tim? Something like that, anyway) as writers, a director whose name I also do not recall, Ted, whose role to me is unclear but was a helpful one, Jeanette - who rocks, and an actress who I did not meet because I wasn't involved in the filming process and she was the actress.
We met at Sean's and waited for the phone call telling us what our line, prop, and location was - until we received that information, we couldn't really do much.
But when the phone call came, it was pretty bad: the prop was a Canadian flag, the line was "show me the money," and the location was inside a car. Probably some of the shittiest prompts I've ever heard in combination. "Show me the money"? Yikes.
Brainstorming ensued and was slow coming - I had pretty much nuthin' but that's not new for me. I'd say I spent the majority of the night poo-pooing other people's ideas LOL - okay no I don't mean that in the way you're thinking! I just mean that I wanted to make sure the story was believable, that it wouldn't make the audience have to fill in the blanks, and that is wasn't obvious. I was hoping for something original.
Mind you, this wasn't my baby, it was Steve's, but I just wanted to do the best we could.
I know very little about writing for the screen and I've only done it once before this experience. I did spend a good chunk of the afternoon beforehand making notes but they didn't come in handy after all.
Let me tell you something else, I learned a whole lot about the differences between men and women when it comes to what they like to see, how they think, and what kind of ideas they have. Because before Jeanette arrived, I was the only person there without a penis - out-numbered I tell you! Suffice it to say that sex and violence were popular themes, especially stuck together, and in the end, that is what won out.
Now it's not like we had a lot to go with - I think we had two or three ideas altogether, which is kinda scary if you think about it cause we were there for hours brainstorming lol. But the chosen idea, for me, was bad. It wasn't anyone's bad idea, it was just too hastily dealt with. And again, this was not my baby, so the fact that I hated the idea didn't mean much - I was the minority.
The idea I would have gone with was very original and GOOD. It had only one issue but I think that issue could have been fixed quite easily.
The idea we went with was very cliche and BAD. The line was included in a completely unbeleivable way, it was offensive, unrealistic, incomplete, and compeltely testosterone fueled. The only thing about it that was good was the utilization of the prop. That was clever.
Aren't I the critic eh? Not a drop of experience and I'm snobbing it up! :P
What I am, though, is a writer. I am also a reader and a movie watcher. So I'm standing on that ;)
Where was I? Write. Writing, yes. Writing began: the four scenes were split up so the writing would go more quickly - I chose the last scene.
I learned that I suck at writing scripts hahaha. No seriously... I was the last to finish, I presented pages of writing where a few would have been more than enough from what I gather. Kind of embarrassing but whatcha gonna do?
But that was it, my part in the process was complete but I hung out for a while longer cause I like to watch stuff happen: Sean wrote the final draft in proper format and the story line was being done almost as soon as Sean finished typing the words.
What happened next I do not know: it was around 4-5am and my eyelids were getting droopy so home I went and left the rest to make movie magic.
They had to finish the story board, then do all that filming stuff (which I kinda would have liked to observe cause it's cool), then do the editing and hand it in to be scrutinized, analyzed, criticized, and ultimately judged by some important people I've never heard of.
The following weekend would be the awards event where we would find out how well our fair film actually fared. I'm not even gonna go into why I didn't attend this gala, because I really really wanted to - it was red carpet for saint Peter's sake! So I'll just move onto the conclusion.
I believe there were around 27ish teams in total who entered the competition this year and I believe our film ended up placing around 16-17ish? I don't remember what was said at the moment but I'm sure I'm close enough. I was surprised, I gotta say.
And there ya go, project film festival finis!
I had a a lot of fun participating in this. It was very frustrating but also so rewarding. I felt useful, which is rare for me these days, and there's a good chance I'll do it all over again if given the opportunity.
This may seem funny, but I haven't actually seen the film yet. I am currently working on getting hold of a copy - there's not way I can't watch a film that I helped create, that would just be foolishness. And when I do see it, I will let you all know what I think. Maybe I'll end up eating my words, you never know.
So there ya go. And thanks to Steve for attributing this to the Hamilton Writers group, that was really cool.
I feel like I haven't blogged in forever! I guess I got away with it for having written a novelette last week. That was interesting... an experience I've never had that's for sure. I wrote this entry expecting a few angry comments, a few ugly words flung at me for outing their previously untouchable queen of mixed media. Not so. Here I am, two weeks later and there is currently about 1090 comments posted.
Turns out my story wasn't so different then the experience of quite a few others and my entry was the "event" or gateway they needed to speak about it.
During these two weeks, I experienced a lot of ignorant folks (or, to be fair, ignorant comments) that leave me still scratching my head in bewilderment. I now realize that people will only see what they want to see. They will only believe what they want to believe, or what keeps things safe for them. People will skip the important parts, and when that happens, there's just no use in discussing it. A lot like conversations I've had with Christians (no offense, I speak about certain ones, not all of them).
But if you start with the truth, continue with the truth, and come out at the end with the truth, you've done the best you can.
There is now a place for people to talk about their experiences with this woman without fear. That is a wonderful thing and it will stay right where it is.
Anyway, onwards and upwards!
Now that I've got that ton of bricks off my shoulders, I'm sticking my nose in a bunch of other awesome endeavors.
I'm moving my workspace (hopefully by next week) into the other room where it is bigger and has a balcony! I'll get to enjoy the natural lighting and that yummy fresh air I never get enough of. Just need to figure out how to set up all the crazy internet wires again (I'm not used to the cable set up) and I'm good to go. I'm excited!!!!
There is a good possibility that I will be joining the Arts Hamilton Literary Advisory Committee - apparently Hamilton has Literary Awards, how did I not know this?
I've started a collaborative writing project with some of the members of my writing group: it's an idea that was raised probably a year ago but nothing ever happened with it.
It should be fun, help get people writing, and hopefully come out in the end with a publishable piece.
Project hackspace has come quite a ways in the past few weeks: a location has been found and the lease is to be signed any day now I believe. So June 1st is probably when we 'get' the place. Though I'm still waiting to see how involved I'm going to be in this whole thing. It's funny though, a bunch of nerds who all think they're the best at stuff (myself and Don included) so it makes for an interesting time - everyone of us as arrogant as the next lol.
I've been enjoying talking with Poe, Camille, and Kelly again more often now that all cats are outta the bag - I love my internet friends :P Sunny is my internet friend as well but she lives so close that she's practically a rl friend too - especially when I go visit her, which I'm sure will happen sometime in the near future. Then I get to meet Lexi toooooooo!!!! woot!
Other than all that, I have a few other projects that I'm not gonna tell you about because they're none of your fucking business.
Just kidding, no, they're not ready to reveal yet so you'll just have to wait ;)
And no I haven't forgotten about the Hamilton 24 Hour Film Festival that I have yet to talk about - sheesh I'm behind on things... it's coming!
It feels good to blog again, that was a loooong two weeks and I missed you guys.
At 8pm, we're given a prop, a line, and a location to incorporate into a screenplay that has to be no more then five minutes in length (on film).
We'll be going strong till midnight (myself and three other writers) - it's do or die because not only do we have to write a screenplay, but we have to write a GOOD screenplay. Like, competition-winning good. The pressure is ON.
After it's written, the rest of the 24 hours will be spent on shooting, editing, all that crazy film hoopla that I don't know much about. Maybe I'll get to watch some of the process.
I'm nervous and excited *gulp* - I love being part of projects, especially where there's writing involved. But I think we'll have a lot of fun doing it.
Did I mention that it will be me and a room full of middle-aged men? lol yep. I'm the only woman working on this (aside from the actress, who I probably won't even meet). That should be interesting!
If our entry wins, it will be played at some fancy-shmancy event and will be a very awesome item to add to my CV, yes ma'am.
It's nice to be productive/needed and all that jazz - I need more projects like this on a consistent basis. Mind you, I'm a complete amateur when it comes to script writing (I think I've attempted it once or twice) and have no wish to pursue it (I'm mostly there tonight for prose/dialogue purposes, being the awesome writer that I am), but any experience is good experience... unless it's a bad experience...
I shall divulge all the literary/filmy/testosterony goodness (and other equally unexciting items) when I return. Wish me luck!
The T.V. has been on a lot lately: I rarely watch it but it sort of keeps me company at night. Bad habit, but I guess I need it right now.
Just painted coat number three on my living room wall in 'Dare-Devil' red. I quite like it and can't wait till I can put up the wall shelves and get this room done.
Started a bit of Spring cleaning but not planning on going crazy as last year I planned such a big clean/over-haul of the apartment that I ended up getting overwhelmed and taking forever to finish.
Shrink just doubled my meds - I was on the lowest dose possible, apparently... kinda pisses me off. I hate hate taking medication but I sort of also don't want to be completely miserable.
I am pretty miserable. If someone as optimistic as I am can get like this, I feel so sorry for people who started out on the pessimistic side of life.
I've sort of given up for the time being. Not really sure what that means. I'm afraid of trying because I feel so defeated and exhausted from so many years of failure that I don't think I can handle it again. So at the moment, I'm pretty much just taking it easy, whatever that means. I'm at a stand-still of sorts. Do not apply pressure, contents may explode.
I'm most likely moving my writer's group to a new location. We've all had enough of loud, poorly lit establishments that cost us more than we'd like to spend. We have a perfect location, but the move should be worth the extra few blocks east.
Speaking of the group, one of the members is forming a team for the second annual Hamilton 24 Hour Film Festival. The script will be written by members of Hamilton Writers, with me as head writer, and the film will be credited to the group. I thought that was very nice of him to give the group publicity when he could have taken all the credit himself. That should be really fun - it's coming up on May 1st.
I'm also thinking I should buy a domain for Hamilton Writers cause the current website just isn't cutting it. So many ads. Stupid Freeservers...
And don't get me started on domains! We're coming up on May and marylin.ca has been offline since February because people are fucking stupid and don't know how to do their jobs. All I want to know is how to point my domain to the right server. It's been almost three months now and I'm still working on the problem. How stupid is that?
Ummm I've been meeting with a new group in Hamilton, currently called 'Hamilton Hacker Space' and that's been pretty cool. The plan is to rent a space in the city to share for projects of any kind that you don't really have room for or don't want to do in your home. It's for artists, crafters, DIYers, hackers, computer geeks, etc etc etc. We're currently looking for a place, so the verdict is still out on whether or not I'll be able to be an active member - it all depends on the location of the space. I don't drive, I can't walk far, and when it comes to winter months, it's impossible to get me out very far.
What else... 'Main Desserts' on Main and Locke is no more and has been replaced with 'Shanti Yoga'. The cake at 'Main Desserts' was to die for, but I think I need a yoga center more. They offer belly dancing, which I really wanna do, and on Friday nights there's meditation and chanting so I'm gonna check that out with Jodie (my super awesome friend and neighbour) this week. I could really use it.
I'm happy that the warmer weather is coming around. I'm gonna start going for walks. Need to get a new mp3 player.
I dunno what else... I'm itching to do art but my living room is all fucked-up cause I'm painting... most of my materials are kind of inaccessible. I should do something about that tomorrow gods damnit. A friend wants to do an art swap with me so I guess I'd better.
I'm tired. T.V. kills brain cells.
I saw the series finale of 'Corner Gas' tonight - I'm gonna miss that show. Canada pulled off a sitcom in the middle of R-E-G-I-N-A and it was SUCCESSFUL. That's quite the accomplishment. Kudos. Canada rocks... and we're funny as fuck.
This blog is pissing me off. I hate the colour combinations! I'm so bad with colour! Yet I do art, go figure. But yes, it's driving me crazy. I want some pink... how hard can that be? *sniff sniff* Alas I won't fret about it now... *grumble*
I think I might be driving my neighbours crazy with my over-playing of Amanda Palmer's new album. She kicks the can across the street though so fuck them. I want her photo book... photos of the dead Amanda Palmer... beautifully sick.... Amanda Fucking Palmer.
Ok no more of this nonsense. I'm getting too comfortable with this blogging thing eh? So now you know what's goin' on in a nutshell.
There will never be enough space to fill the thoughts in my head, but I appreciate this piece of the world wide interwebz, I really do.
April is here: month four - a quarter of the year passed.
This year was to be the year of 'Marylin' - the year where I stopped moaning and actually acted on life. Because when last new year's came around and the question of "what are your resolutions for 2009?" started popping up, I realized that the resolutions I had were the exact same resolutions (for the most part) I'd had every year for pretty much a decade.
I am twenty seven years old. I cannot go into my thirties with the same energy as I've been spending in my twenties. I just can't. I know I wasted a fucking decade - I can't do it again.
It's not that I've done nothing, it's that I've done a very small fraction of what I have the potential and drive to do/achieve. I've only lived a small fraction of the life I've wanted to live.
Over these years I have made some progress. I've realized a lot of the limitations I was fighting against were not as controllable as I thought. Once I stopped fighting certain things, so much stress and sadness was taken away.
All my life I've suffered from sleeping problems, which have caused a lot of problems for me regarding school, work, appointments, and even socially.
I've strived all these years to take control of my sleep patterns, thinking I just wasn't trying hard enough.
Finally, a few years ago I had an over-night sleep study done that revealed I had what's called Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder.
The doctor explained to me that trying to fight it is fruitless because it is a neurological problem, it's just the way my brain works, and that I should try to work with it if I want to be happy. One of the best things for someone with DSPD is to do a job where you can set your own hours, like writing, for example.
Great! I thought. I am a writer!This just gives me another reason to justify writing for a living.
So after this new information was made known to me, I slowly stopped fighting against the sleep issues and that has made a world of difference. I don't feel guilty or stressed out anymore about it. This has made me a happier person in general.
Ask me how my writing career is going.
Well, just take a look at my ISBN collection and that should answer your question.
Isn't it funny what excuses we can make for our lack of productivity? Mmmhmmm.
Another obstacle that came about right when my twenties started was being "disabled."
Yes, I was about twenty when I couldn't take the pain and fatigue anymore. That's when they diagnosed me with the osteoarthritis and the fibromyalgia.
I can't even begin to talk about how weird that is/was for me. I've never been a very active person, so it left everyone baffled as to why I would get osteoarthritis, and so young too. I got the fucker all over the body too. The fibro is a little more understandable, my mum has that too, but still, at twenty?
Suffice it to say, these have factored into my life substantially. It is quite hard for me to walk very far, let alone do much rigorous exercise. It makes me an outsider to my peers, who sometimes don't quite understand why we can't take that twenty minute walk to "insert place." It's embarrassing, especially because I've never been very vocal about my issues, so it just makes me look really lazy to people, since you can't see my disabilities just by looking at me.
It's also hindered my ability to lose weight. Not only is exercise difficult, but the fibro effects your metabolism and also includes depression as a side effect, which I already suffer from. (But I'll get to the weight and the depression as well.)
I don't feel sorry for myself about my physical disabilities. I'm okay with adjusting my life because of them. I just still can't bring myself to accept that I can't exercise the way other people can and I know my refusal to accept this is only because of my desire to lose weight and be healthy.
I've finally accepted that I can't be as active as most of my peers, and I've been working on being more vocal about it, but I still have shame, and I hate that I have that shame, hence more shame. I don't want to be a pain in the ass ya know?
Anyway, I have come to a place where all those feelings of shame and of trying to fight the illnesses have lessened a great deal, which means, again, that I am a happier person with a lot less stress.
Then there is the mental catastrophe to talk about.
I honestly think I had depression as a child when I look back, but there's no way to know. What I do know is that when I hit my early teens, I had it. I had really bad depression and I didn't know it was depression, I just thought I was a really sensitive person lol. A misunderstood teen.
I didn't realize I might have a problem till I was nineteen, living in a bachelor apartment that I'd rented with no employment to speak of, where I spent the majority of my time filling binders full of get-rich-quick ideas and reading tarot cards over the phone for Miss Cleo (without payment).
If you don't remember Miss Cleo, let me refresh your memory:
Three months later I found myself unable to get up from my futon because i was "inexplicably" paralyzed with depression. But this was before I started hallucinating and being afraid to go outside...
The worst part of it was that my entire family suffers from a cornucopia of lovely mental illnesses and not once did anyone in my family suggest that I might also be afflicted - they all just thought I was the "normal" one. The one who would actually go somewhere in life.
Anyway, so I sought help and was diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorders. The little pink pill (paxil) they gave me made me feel better for about a year, but when it stopped working, things were a lot worse and this coincided with the worsening (and discovering) of my physical issues.
Since the initial diagnoses, I'd been seeking proper help in the form of therapy to no avail, and ended up being switched to effexor for a while (this made me worse), and then to celexa (which helped a lot and which I still take now) by a family doctor who I all but reported for malpractice for so many reasons.
I was monitoring my own meds and recieving zero therapy due to long waiting lists and a bitch of an ex-roommate who failed to deliver a very important phone message to me.
It wasn't until late last year that my name finally reached the top of a waiting list and I got myself a proper therapist, working under a psychiatrist.
The official diagnoses was Borderline Personality Disorder (which I knew) and they are keeping an eye out for signs of bipolar, which is tricky because you can have both, but it's hard to tell since people with BPD usually exhibit a lot of similar traits as people with Bipolar. Either way, I'm sick in the noggin'.
The good news is I'm finally getting help. There's a program that people with BDP can go through called Dialectic Behavoural Therapy that I'm on the waiting list for. This is supposed to help drastically with my issues and help me deal with things in my life.
As for what I can do to actually fight my mental issues, I 'm really not sure. Trying to fight them in the past, as if they weren't a reality, usually proved to create more guilt and so the cycle goes. I've learned that if I don't take my illnesses into consideration, it will lead to unnecessary disappointment.
The problem is that until I do what I need to do/learn what I need to learn therapy wise, I keep going through the same mental issues as always, and as always, they take me two steps backwards. It's always a matter of keeping my head above the water, and after so many years, that is very tiring and makes it more and more tempting to just let go, to give in, to drown.
My mental illness is the strongest force in my life - it paralyzes me and I can never get used to it, because if I did, it would mean being satisfied with not improving myself or my situation.
This is the obstacle in my life that fuels the other obstacles, the obstacle that prevents the other obstacles from being removed.
If the plant continues to grow, it's kind of hard to prevent the leaves from coming back, season after season.
I'm overweight because I was so depressed that I didn't care. I'm still overweight because I'm still depressed and I use food as a drug because I don't know how to manage my emotions properly. I'm still overweight because I have osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia, which fuck up my physical activity and metabolism.
I'm overweight, which makes the physical disabilities worse, because my poor joints have to carry all that extra weight, which makes physical activity even harder, which makes losing weight even harder.
I'm overweight, which makes me depressed because I'm not happy with my body, which has given me a low self-esteem, which has effected my social life, which has made me more depressed and withdrawn, which has made me want to eat more...
It's all mental though. My own mind has created my own misery and what will happen if I can't change my mind? I wish it was more of a choice. I wish I could just buck-up and get on with life. But it's more complicated then that. I can buck-up, but it's only a matter of time before it catches up with me again and the fall is always so hard.
I feel like a whiny baby complaining. But this is my reality. I wish I were just a whiny baby, so someone reading this could slap me in the face and show me my own stupidity, and then I could move on.
So this is my reality.
I have osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia that I receive disability for because I can't work. I have this delayed sleep phase disorder that prevents me from keeping a normal schedule, which is okay, because I don't work anyway. I don't work, which allows me the opportunity to actually write and follow my dream of being a successful writer.
All of this seems to work itself out... it almost seems like the universe planned it that way for a reason.
But my reality includes this debilitating mental illness, which seems to be THE obstacle standing in my way. It scares the shit out of me to think that I'll be this stagnant and unable to escape when I'm thirty seven. I can't deal with that, I have way too much potential for that to happen.
They're playing with meds (carefully) and I'm seeing a really good therapist on a regular basis. I should be getting into the DBT program thingy quite soon according to her, at which time I'll still be seeing her.
Aside from trying again and again and not giving up, I'm really counting on the program and the therapy to give me a lot of what I need to improve the way I live my life.
And it will be completed before I turn thirty.
Something else I'm starting to consider is gastric bypass surgery. I've obviously considered it many times before, but was always against it because it's unnatural.
But now the pros are really beginning to out-weight the cons: this surgery would make me lose weight, which would take stress off my joints, which would allow me to be more active, which would improve my overall health and lessen my general pain, which would make me more generally happy. I would not be so disgusted with my body, which would make me feel more confident, which would give me higher self-esteem, which would make me happier and improve my social life, which would make me happier as well.
It would be a huge thing to not have to worry about, which would free up so much energy. It would drastically effect my mental state and level of self-love.
I'm not saying that losing weight would solve my problems. I'm naive but not that naive. I just know that it would be a gigantic step toward improving my life.
The only concern I have is that getting such a surgery would not change my eating behaviours in itself, so I would definitely need to get help on that part of the deal.
So those are two gigantic things that will be happening before the big 3-0 (not sure about the surgery yet though).
I'm so tired right now that the usual momentum I'd have for "trying again, but this time better" is not showing itself. The thought of listing all of the things I need/want to accomplish is so overwhelming that I think it's best if I just try to keep it simple until I'm more capable of pondering more. Even the simple things are making my heart rate a little jumpy.
1. Take good care of myself.
That's my first job. I'll go from there.
I'm actually not done writing this entry, but my eyes are getting a lil' tired so I'll end it for now.
If you've read all this, well, you're a trooper! Thanks :)
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