Pride & Prejudice

This writing was inspired by something a friend wrote...

I'm a 30 year old disabled girl.

When you look at me, you might see a very overweight 30 year old girl but you will not see anything to indicate disability.

I'm one of the lucky ones with the invisible disabilities: I don't look sick, ya see.

I don't look sick, but I do look fat and out of shape.

And when you don't look sick, people come up with their own explanations of why you can't do a lot of physical activity.

And when you don't look sick, but you're over weight, people come up with even more fun explanations of why you can't do a lot of physical activity.

To many, fat = lazy. It's a judgement. And it's one I am paranoid about because I'm a prime target of such thinking.

I believed that about myself for some time too.

When I started to get sick, I was a slim girl. My disabilities and my weight both went up together for various reasons.

I was only moderately active before I got sick. Now I struggle to do the simplest things. Some days it's almost as if I'm perfectly healthy and other days I can barely get dressed. I never know which I will get.
 Most of the time, it's somewhere in between.

But the judgement that I am just fat and therefore lazy is sad and untrue.

If I were slim right now, i would still be disabled. I would still have days where I could barely move. The only difference would be less weight on my joints but as I've found out, that only helps to a point, it does not cure anything and it has no bearing on my Fibromyalgia.

It took me a long time to learn some important things and you know what? It isn't about weight, it's about lifestyle.

A skinny person who eats horribly and never exercises, is not healthier than a fat person who eats horribly and never exercises.

A skinny person who eats horribly and never exercises is not healthier than a fat person who eats well and regularly exercises.

It's about lifestyle and biology. My mum has Fibromyalgia and Osteoarthritis (and Borderline Personality disorder for that matter), and I was lucky enough to inherit these things by the time I hit age 20.

The reason this topic is heavier on my mind right now is because, after waiting a really long time because my ego was too proud to give in, I got a walker.

Without anything to aide me, I can walk extremely short distances and not without being in a lot of pain.
Because my lifestyle has been like this for the good part of ten years, the lack of physical activity has made me out of shape, which is a contributing factor in the pain I feel when walking.

With the aide of a walker, I will be able to actually go out and walk somewhere. I will not be so trapped. It will change my life. And it will get me walking, which will help me build up some strength.

My hope is that after a while of using it, I will be able to walk longer distances WITHOUT it, thus getting me into better shape.

I want badly to be stronger. I hate so much feeling trapped in this limited body. I hate having to plan so meticulously how I'm going to get somewhere just in case I'm caught stranded. I hate feeling left out of certain activities because my body won't cooperate.

But I was really afraid of getting a walker. I was afraid it would mean I was somehow giving up. But I know it is actually the opposite.

I was, and still am, afraid of the judgements: I am a 30 year old, overweight girl using a walker. People will look at me and think "that girl is so fat she needs a walker to help her move." But they have no idea. That's why judgements are so dangerous - you just never know.

Anyway, I'm gonna try to use the darn thing as much as I can. Hopefully the part of my brain that just doesn't give a fuck what others think will kick in more lol.

P.S. Judging is bad, mmmmk?

<3 M

Hypnotized Existence

My dreams taught me an interested thing in the last week - not sure why at this time exactly, but it's an important lesson nonetheless.

First, I had a dream that I was three months pregnant.  So I told people I was due November 1st.  But in the dream I didn't even take a millisecond to do the math.  But when I woke up, I wondered "why November 1st, what does that mean?" (Yes, I take my dreams seriously).

Then I realized November is six months from now, so it was literally my due date in the dream. But why did I know that without even thinking about it.  Usually I have to count the months, ya know?

Two days later I had a dream about a man named Clive.  When I woke up, I wondered about it cause I thought it was an odd name, I don't know of anyone named Clive, it's such a random name for me to have in my subconscious.  Curious, I googled 'Clive' and got 'Clive Owen' the actor.

I didn't/don't know of him (so I thought).  He was the exact guy in my dream, looked exactly the same.  No idea why I'd dream of some random actor I've never heard of.

But these two dreams made me realize somewhat how the subconscious mind works, which was both interesting, and worrying. 

My brain can do that math without "thinking" about it because it already knows it.  I, in my thinking process, have to "do the math" to come to the answer, but my subconscious already knows it because it's stored in there, as something I've already learned.  It doesn't need the time that I do to calculate, it had held onto that information.

I may not know of Clive Owen, but my subconscious mind does.  So many movies, tv shows, advertisements, tweets, updates, articles, etc. that we are not going to recall most of the little tidbits of information we come across: names, faces, dates, facts... if we remembered all of these things, we couldn't operate sanely on a daily basis, I think.  But if we've seen it, a part of the brain has retained the information - somewhere, probably, in parts of the brain that we have yet to consciously utilize.  It's in there, stored up.

They say that everyone in your dream are people you've seen in actual life.  Even just walking past them down the street.  The subconscious mind observes and takes in so much!

It is amazing, really, and so cool.  Our brains are so powerful, so much more than we can imagine, and we've only tapped into part of it so far.  What is going to come in the future?  How will it be when we evolve more and more and unlock other parts of the mind we have not yet had access to?  It's an exciting thought.

But it is worrisome.

This phenomenon makes it a piece of cake for us to pick up messages, unbeknownst to our conscious mind, that greatly effect who we are, what we do, what we believe, and what we value.  Talk to any ad person who's willing to tell you - this is a large part of how advertisements are created.  They spend a lot of money studying how our brains work in order to persuade us into thinking what they want us to think, thereby gaining loyal customers - usually starting when they're very young because that's when the mind is most susceptible.

Because of this phenomenon, every single person is powerless against picking up unwanted messages.  Unless of course you live outside of any society and aren't connected in any way to media/tv/internet.

Why is this such a big deal?  Because hypnotism is serious.  Because you go see hypnotists to help you quit smoking by trusting the hypnotist with your subconscious mind to influence you in a positive way.  That hypnotist could easily take advantage of the situation and give you any kind of suggestion they want.  You wouldn't know it, but your subconscious mind would, and that's good enough to effect you on all levels.

What if the hypnotist were to tell you, while under, that you are not beautiful unless you wear X-brand sunglasses?  It may not be a big deal, but imagine getting that message all the time: you would start to believe it. Imagine your kids getting messages of this kind everyday, as their thoughts, their minds, their personalities, and beliefs are forming.  What do you think that does to them?

I may not present a convincing argument, but I hope it makes you think.  It's not just sunglasses, digital cameras, and barbie dolls they're selling you.  It goes much further than just advertisements, but I think I'll not go further into it here.

A lot of who we think we are, is not even true.  Our identities are shaped by what we see, hear, and experience.  It's scary.  And I hope there comes a day when we won't be used so casually for the profit of others.  I know I'm a dreamer, but crazier things have happened.

I encourage you to do a bit of research on what I'm talking about - you can't really get away from the problem but I think it helps if you know it exists. That awareness does have some power over it.

Anyway, just wanted to share what my dreams have made me think about this past week.


<3 M

Random

I'm at Brian's place right now: he's gone to take D to her mum's for the weekend and then doing all kinds of other stuff.  I'm staying home and making him a speshul dinner :-)

Our three-month-aversary was on Wednesday... it feels like a hell of a lot longer than that, but in the good way.  I'm still 'getting used to' this whole being in a relationship thing - it's a completely new experience for me.  I've been in, what you could call, relationships before, but none of them were actual relationships.  Needless to say, I'm a very happy girl, life is grand.

Well, mostly.  I seem to be having a hell of a time with the pain thing.  There's my usual pain, and then there's the pain I've been having for the past few months or so.  It seems to be easing up somewhat, but let's just say this masochist is in need of a safeword O_O

Most other areas of my life are improving: I'm seeing a lot of the fruit of my past labours and can see it wasn't all for naught.

Like I said, I'm still getting used to being in a relationship.  He lives all the way across the city and is a full time dad, so working out my scheduling and transportation has been an issue.  I need to figure out how to fit everything in, fit in seeing my friends, my family, that sort of thing.  I wish I drove sometimes.

 I am, what they would call, a Borderline in recovery.  What that means is, I still have all the same emotional disregulations and hyper-sensitivities, and whatnot, but I have the skills with which to cope.  This is quite the miracle, for anyone with BPD knows the hell your life becomes with this disorder.  If I keep up on the skills, I should be okay.

I am also, it would seem, a rapidly recovering body-hater.  I have been struggling with body image issues for years, even when I believed logically that there is no reason to feel down about my body, the filters of society and everything I've always been told to believe/think have won out.  The influence is too strong.  Most everything we're told and shown regarding our body size, shape, etc. is bullshit, but how are we to know the difference if that's all (or the majority) of what we've experienced through media and society?

I did a few things, sort of theraputic-type exercises in hopes of changing my stubborn beliefs about my body.  Some of these seemed to have an effect.  Then I attended an eating disorders group where I was taught the science behind weight gain/loss, etc.  It was a life-changing experience.  Why was this information not out there in our society?  It was so eye-opening, I'd never heard these things before.  I felt lied to, and regretful that I had not known these things before it was too late.

Among all the things I learned, one of them was acceptance.  After knowing what I now knew, I had no choice but to accept things as they were, accept myself the way I was, right now.

It sounds depressing for someone who hates their body and has spend most of her life trying to, or stressing out about, losing weight.  Waiting for life until I was the right weight.  Putting things off until I was 'done my diet.'   Not wearing what I really wanted to wear because 'when I lose weight, it will be too big and I don't want to waste money.'  And when the struggle to achieve the impossible inevitably failed, again and again (no wonder we end up hating ourselves) the cycle just continues, getting worse and worse.

 Well, it was depressing.  Incredibly.  But then some things started happening.  I would go shopping and look at all the clothing I wanted to wear, knowing I could buy it now and not have to wait for a later date that would never come.  This was fun, relieving, and very empowering.  If I accepted myself at the size I was at right now, I could stop waiting to live.  Finally.  Sounds dramatic, I know, but it kinda is.

After a while, I noticed I was not getting down about my body nearly as much as before.  This was happening less and less.  I noticed that I had stopped obsessing.  This was a huge deal, like a ton of weight lifted off my shoulders. 

Many other things happened.  I began to notice an increase in confidence.  So did others.  And it's so true what they say - once you start to believe you are beautiful, so will others.

I still have some major issues, but like I said, it's a work in progress like everything else. I'm just very proud to be able to add that on to my list of ginormous life accomplishments.  Most of the things I've been working on endlessly for the past decade and seemingly getting nowhere with have been shifting in big ways in the past year or two.

One of my biggest issues in therapy, oddly enough, was problem solving my inability to follow any sort of routine or schedule.  To do anything productive on a consistent basis.  Much of this had to do with the fact that I've been out of school and work for so long and haven't had to be very responsible and the fact that I have very black/white - all/nothing thinking. 

It seemed like I would never be able to do it, I would never be able to control my life!  I am very easily overwhelmed.  But in the past, I'd say, six months or so, I have been slowly, by trial and error, getting somewhere with this problem.  It is very slow progress, but it is a very big thing to tackle and I am doing it!

Of course there are other areas in which I'm making headway... I just don't give up.  So like I said, life is grand. 

I still have plenty of problems to deal with, but they are a hell of a lot easier to face when many of the other ones are under control.

I better go start dinner n' stuff now... this chair is killing my back :-/



Love M

How I See Myself

I abhor the way I look in photos.  I don't mind photos of myself where I see some semblance of how I appear to myself in the mirror... it's when I have no control of the photo... when someone takes my photo and I see it.... it freaks me out in a severely unhealthy way.  Yes, I know this is delusional... the person I see in the mirror is a perception of myself - the photos I like of myself are similar to what I see in the mirror... the photos I hate are probably the ones that actually look like me.  Yet, when I see these photos, I am quite literally horrified and sickened.  I can't even see beauty in them, I see something disgusting, a blog that takes up entirely too much space.  It's kind of like seeing a horribly disfigured monster... no semblance of me in there, at least not the me I know.

Yet, people (so they claim) find me attractive, beautiful even.  I don't get it.  This is not a pity party, this is me trying to dissect this whole thing and figure out why I have such as drastically different vision of myself on both ends of the spectrum.  What I see in the mirror seems to be a more positive projection of who I am, while photos of me seem to be a more negative projection - I have reason to beleive that how I'm seeing myself in these photos is an extreme magnification of what I perceive are my flaws.  I'm not saying that the photos don't look true to life, I'm just saying that judging by the intensity of my reaction to seeing them, it would make sense that my brain is playing some tricks on me.

Honestly, I don't think I ever see myself the way others see me in the flesh, and I don't think I ever have.  Back when I was thin, I thought I looked/was fat; now that I'm fat, I have no idea how I look because how I see myself in the mirror changes all the time... even as often as hourly.

I just don't get it.  Seeing a photo of myself shouldn't bring me to tears - that's some serious issues. 

So what is the answer? Is there even a answer?  How the hell can it be so confusing?  I pretty much look the same all the time (like most people) so why can't I just SEE myself in the same way?  So fucking depressing.


<3 M

Baby Got Back

K I feel like writing so here we go.

On the subject of FAT...

 I am.  duh.  I was a chubby little girl until I hit puberty, at which point I naturally thinned out.  To tell you the truth, I didn't really notice: as far as I know, I thought I was the same size the whole time (chubby or even fat, even when I was not).  So anyway, I thinned out and was pretty damn hot (looking back, of course you never realize it at the time - don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?).  I still thought I was fat though, not huge but definitely "big boned," which is why dieting was always in the back of my mind, always always always.  Looking back I can't beleive how sick that was, that I thought I was fat when I was so not: I was damn fine and healthy too.  Nonetheless, I remember putting a picture I'd cut out of a magazine on the fridge of a super skinny model - inspiration to lose weight, I said.

So then what happened?  Well, first of all, at some point along the way ( think I was either thirteen or fifteen but can't remember at the moment) I "discovered" emotional eating.  Well I didn't know that's what it was at the time, but I discovered it nonetheless.  Luckily it wasn't something I did too often and it didn't effect my weight too much, probably because I was still somewhat active and healthy.  It's no coincidence that this discovery of emotional eating came around the same time as I was becoming unknowingly depressed.  I won't go into what was going on and why that added to the depression but just that it was something I was unaware of, I just thought I was weird and super sensitive (I am both those things, but I was also depressed lol).

What's weird about being depressed in my house is that every single person in my family has some mental disorder or another (usually various) but no one said anything to me about possibly being depressed, nothing.  Not sure why, but I've always been a bit bitter about that.  Back to the topic.

Now, when I was somewhere in my mid teens I fell disgustingly deep in love with a good friend of mine.  This caused me a lot of turmoil and inevitably ended in heartbreak for me.  How badly was I hurt?  Let's just say I only just got over it a few years ago, and I am currently twenty-eight.  I got so depressed (still didn't know I had depression btw) that I eventually left my job and school (on the same day) and slowly but surely began shutting the world out, becoming a hermit, pretty much.

And this is where that wonderful thing called emotional eating came in handy.  I embraced that coping mechanism, consciously knowing that I would probably gain weight and not caring (because what's the point in looking and feeling good if you don't see any hope for the future?).  With the mixture of inactivity and emotional eating, I, of course, did start gaining and I still didn't care.  I'm sure I cared on some level but at the time I was too depressed to care.  That's how hopeless I felt.

I eventually got to the point where I started to suspect there might be something wrong going on and made an appointment with the doctor.  This is when I found out that I did indeed have depression.  They diagnosed me with bipolar (because I would go into deep deep depression and then mania) and anxiety and gave me some pills.

By this time I had a full-out eating disorder and was discovering that even though I didn't want to gain weight anymore, it was starting to become out of my control (that's the best way I can put it I think).  And I was still depressed. And I didn't know how to get control of my eating again, I just thought I was weak and pathetic.  I kept gaining weight.

Then, in my early twenties I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and osteoarthritis.  No wonder physical activity was so hard, I thought I was just lazy.  Try and lose weight when you're severely depressed, have an eating disorder, and have physical disabilities.  Right, sounds fun eh? 

So I became double the size I used to be - the size of two of me.  And trying to lose weight the whole time by dieting dieting dieting and trying to exercise.  The dieting wasn't so hard as the exercise, for obvious reasons, but the mental turmoil one goes through when struggling with body image issues is a sickness I wish upon no one - yoyo dieting, all diets that are extremely unhealthy, for years.  None of them worked.  Diets don't work.  I knew that, I knew it had to be a permanent lifestyle change, but by then I was so deep into the cycle of punishing myself for failing by starving myself, then inevitably binging out of starvation and comfort.  I now understand that this becomes a mental disorder that only gets worse.

And so I kept trying and the harder I tried, the more weight I gained.  I know that doesn't make any sense, but if you're in such a sick cycle it just keeps making you sicker and making things more distorted and eating away at your self-worth and that forbidden comfort food becomes no different than a drug addiction.  The only difference is that you have to eat, which makes it harder to avoid.

And that's why I'm fat.  Mind you, I don't think being fat is necessarily bad - we all have some amount of fat on our bodies, it's just when you have too much that it can take a toll on your health.  If I were able to lose weight (let's hope so!) I wouldn't want to be skinny, I'd want to be pleasantly plump, as they say.  That's just me.

There are many judgments about fat people, and I can understand why: it's a simple scientific formula - burn more calories than you consume and lose weight.  Unfortunately, when an eating disorder develops, when there's severe depression going on, when physical activity is limited, this simple formula is moot.  Don't tell a fat person to just stop eating because you never know if they're like me and get anxiety attacks just walking into the kitchen because they don't want to have to eat but know they need to.

Ultimately I'm not trying to make excuses for myself because that does no one any good, I'm just explaining how I got where I am and why I'm here.

Some days I feel absolutely disgusting, nothing but a blob of grossness that no one would ever want to look at.  In fact I've stayed in many times because I thought no one should have to look at me.  Sick, no?  Some days I actually feel kinda hot, like yes I'm fat but I'm still damn sexy bitches ;o)  Both of those are true depending on who's looking.  So what others think doesn't really matter.  There are plenty of men who love fat chicks, it turns their crank, but at the end of the day, it's me whose opinion matters and I'm not comfortable being as fat as I am.  This goes for aesthetics as well (and especially) health.

While it's true that you can be relatively healthy and fat, there are still things going on inside your body that are not good - things have to work harder because of the extra weight and that puts stress on important processes, resulting in adverse health effects.  Thinking about what my body is going through makes me sad, I want to be healthy.

I was at a level weight for a few years, but in the past year I have gained a lot more weight (yes, another severe heart break by a man I love) and this has accelerated my distorted thinking about eating and my body and all of that good stuff.  But some really good stuff has happened in that time as well:  I finally started seeing a therapist (I know, after being depressed most of my life you'd think I'd have gotten one sooner, but that's a whole other story of woe) and she is fucking awesome.  I've been in a DBT group (Dialectic Behavioural Therapy) as well, which has helped me so much.  And in about two weeks, I will be starting in an eating disorder program at the hospital.

If this doesn't help me, I don't know what will.  I recently went to an information seminar for getting gastric bypass surgery, determined that this was my only hope, I fully intended on going for it.  But after the information session, there was no way, I was really disappointed at finding out what it's really like and that the only thing getting that surgery does is help you lose a bunch of weight really quickly (the way you would on a fad diet) and you have to change your lifestyle by eating right and exercising anyway, the same way you would without the surgery.  There is no difference, well, except for all the serious health risks and permanent sacrifices, etc.  I could get the same results going on a shake diet for a few months and then dieting and exercising - I think I've already tried that lol.

Just learning DBT skills in the past six or so months has already helped me immensely with how I deal with food.  I'm hopeful that the next six months, plus my therapy, plus the next year in an eating disorder group will be just what I need to get healthy.  I'm tired of everything being about my weight.  Just the fact that I would never tell anyone the number on the scale tells me how shameful it makes me feel, cause as some of you know, I'm not the most private person, I tell all! lol  I would like to think, after being rejected by a man, that it's because of my horrible personality and not because I'm fat :op  There is some truth to wanting that, trust me.

I've learned a lot through the  years of being in a fat body...

I've learned the importance of not judging someone by their looks.  I've learned that it's still okay (socially acceptable) to say hateful things to or about a fat person, to discriminate against them for how they look.  I've learned that the media is disgusting.  I've learned that people can eat well and exercise and still be fat.  I've learned that they should stop making polyester/nylon clothing for plus size women because it's the most unflattering, worst possible fabric for anyone with curves, lumps, or bumps.  Oh, and I've also recently learned that there are ingredients in most of the food we buy, such as high fructose corn syrup and MSG that actually effect the body in a way that negates the scientific formula of natural weight loss (calories consumed/calories burned) - it is really sad to find this out because there are some people who try so hard to lose weight and they are unknowingly consuming these additives, not knowing it is likely making their struggle pointless.  I've learned a lot more, but I think I'm about done writing for now.

There was no real point in writing this, I just felt like talking about it so thanks for indulging.

P.S. Fat people need love too please :o)


Love M

Slightly Hung Over

What I've learned so far in 2010...

Dieting creates eating disorders and in the long run they destroy your body and make you fatter than you ever were in the first place.  It is far better to eat healthy, balanced, and consistently and lose weight slowly.  Diets teach you nothing.  They're the holy grail for people who feel out of control and grasp onto the idea that once they do 'so and so' diet, everything in their life will be okay again.  Thank gods I now know this and am finally getting sane again after years of driving myself crazy.  The other big key peice of knowledge - one day at a time.  So yay I'm losing weight!  Woot!

There is nothing wrong with letting people earn your trust - in fact, it probably should be earned rather than given right away to any Joe Blow one comes across.  This may sound like common sense to most of you, but for me, that's hard to accept: I could never understand why I shouldn't trust everyone right away unless they give me a reason not to, and even then, I'd give them a few more chances.  Now I know (hopefully) that opening myself up that much to just anyone makes it so much easier for them to hurt me.  I guess there's such a thing as trusting too much too soon... who knew?

The world is made up of distractions, like static or distortion on top of what's worth living for.  Most of us get caught up in the distractions, it's almost impossible not to because they're everywhere and they come in so many different forms: mindless entertainment, drama, sensationalism, love, hate, sex, fear, money, and on and on and on.  Then sometimes the distraction stops for a moment or two and we feel right again, like we remember what the point of living is or what makes it worth it to each of us and we promise ourselves to not forget again, but we always do.  I guess the goal would be to remember more often, and to practice living in that state of mind as much as we can.

Relationships are hard.  I'm not sure why, but I think it has a lot to do with fear and dishonesty.  People have fear and are dishonest because of it.  We're each afraid of different things and we're each dishonest in our own way, but I think without the fear, the dishonesty would stop and relationships could start to be a more peaceful endeavour.   Some of us are afraid to open ourselves up, some of us are afraid to get too close to someone else, some of us are afraid we're not worthy of love, some of us are afraid we'll be found out for the horrible person we (think) we are, some of us are afraid of being trapped,some of us are afraid of being abandoned, some of us are afraid without knowing why, and it goes on and on.  So we're dishonest.  We lie with our words, our actions, our intentions... we lie by omitting the truth or by not saying or doing what we know is the honest thing to do or say.  We lie by denying our feelings.  Even if we're not dishonest people, we are dishonest without even realizing it.  It sucks, but it's the truth and it's what makes it so hard to have relationships with each other.  Perhaps if we were all less afraid of things that are usually unfounded we would all be less lonely or alone.  And definitely, if we were all less afraid, we would all stop hurting each other so fucking much.  It really does take thick skin to put yourself out there into the world of dating. 

I've learned a lot more than these things of course, but I'm tired so you're gonna have to come back when I feel like sharing more of my wisdom ;o)



Love M

Hey Obama! This Is The Real Pandemic

Well I just posted about this on Buttercup, but it pissed me off too much not to blog about.

• In a study of 4th-grade girls, 90% were on some type of diet.

This is what I know: 4th grade girls are about nine years old; they are generally prepubescent; they have A CRAP TON of growing left to do (women don't stop growing till late in their teens), and in order to properly develop, you need proper nutrition.

Just touching on the physical part of this, diets are about rules and restriction, usually excluding one kind of food or another or trying to eat a lower number of calories and/or fat. What do you think this would do to a child's growth? Kids need all kinds of food and plenty of it - they need their carbs, their fats, their proteins, their vitamins and minerals and yes, even their ice cream cones. Their bodies need it, so I am afraid to even ponder the repercussions of this sad statistic.
If you think I'm nuts and it's perfectly fine for a child to diet, then check this stat:

• In 1992, the National Institutes of Health held investigatory hearings and concluded that diets do not work and may even be dangerous to one's health.

Now let's move onto the psychological implications. These girls are dieting for a reason, the reason could be that their parents put her on this diet, or maybe she's just copying what her mother does (as kids tend to do), maybe she feels fat, ugly, not up to par with whatever ideal nine year old girls look up to today (I shudder to think). Whatever the case, some of these children are not happy with their bodies and some will end up being unhappy with their bodies if they stay on this track. I don't know about you, but when I was a wee girl I didn't really think about my body in any terms besides 'this is my body and it does stuff.' I never looked at it, or parts of it, and felt a need to change it. For most healthy children, I think that's the case - we have no reason to start comparing shapes and sizes as long as we can run and jump and skip and enjoy being nine.

These poor girls don't stand a chance. I'm sorry, but how healthy can a child's self-esteem be if they are dieting? It's a hard, long road ahead for a girl who has the misfortune of being uncomfortable in her own skin before she's even had a chance to fill it out.

What this says about our society is literally deafening because people sure aren't hearing a damn thing. Kids should be busy being kids and not worrying about diets. Considering how mentally trying the diet game is (and if you've been there you know what I'm talking about), imagine what it does to a nine year old girl.

Alright, so who's going to fork up the money to pay for all the therapy these children will need when they get older?

1.2% of people in America with H1N1 have died.

18-20% (roughly) of people with eating disorders die. Where's the state of emergency for this pandemic? Srsly.


Love M

Planning For My Thirties

April is here: month four - a quarter of the year passed.

This year was to be the year of 'Marylin' - the year where I stopped moaning and actually acted on life. Because when last new year's came around and the question of "what are your resolutions for 2009?" started popping up, I realized that the resolutions I had were the exact same resolutions (for the most part) I'd had every year for pretty much a decade.

I am twenty seven years old. I cannot go into my thirties with the same energy as I've been spending in my twenties. I just can't. I know I wasted a fucking decade - I can't do it again.

It's not that I've done nothing, it's that I've done a very small fraction of what I have the potential and drive to do/achieve. I've only lived a small fraction of the life I've wanted to live.

Over these years I have made some progress. I've realized a lot of the limitations I was fighting against were not as controllable as I thought. Once I stopped fighting certain things, so much stress and sadness was taken away.

All my life I've suffered from sleeping problems, which have caused a lot of problems for me regarding school, work, appointments, and even socially.

I've strived all these years to take control of my sleep patterns, thinking I just wasn't trying hard enough.

Finally, a few years ago I had an over-night sleep study done that revealed I had what's called Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder.

The doctor explained to me that trying to fight it is fruitless because it is a neurological problem, it's just the way my brain works, and that I should try to work with it if I want to be happy. One of the best things for someone with DSPD is to do a job where you can set your own hours, like writing, for example.

Great! I thought. I am a writer! This just gives me another reason to justify writing for a living.

So after this new information was made known to me, I slowly stopped fighting against the sleep issues and that has made a world of difference. I don't feel guilty or stressed out anymore about it. This has made me a happier person in general.

Ask me how my writing career is going.

Well, just take a look at my ISBN collection and that should answer your question.

Isn't it funny what excuses we can make for our lack of productivity? Mmmhmmm.

Another obstacle that came about right when my twenties started was being "disabled."

Yes, I was about twenty when I couldn't take the pain and fatigue anymore. That's when they diagnosed me with the osteoarthritis and the fibromyalgia.

I can't even begin to talk about how weird that is/was for me. I've never been a very active person, so it left everyone baffled as to why I would get osteoarthritis, and so young too. I got the fucker all over the body too. The fibro is a little more understandable, my mum has that too, but still, at twenty?

Suffice it to say, these have factored into my life substantially. It is quite hard for me to walk very far, let alone do much rigorous exercise. It makes me an outsider to my peers, who sometimes don't quite understand why we can't take that twenty minute walk to "insert place." It's embarrassing, especially because I've never been very vocal about my issues, so it just makes me look really lazy to people, since you can't see my disabilities just by looking at me.

It's also hindered my ability to lose weight. Not only is exercise difficult, but the fibro effects your metabolism and also includes depression as a side effect, which I already suffer from. (But I'll get to the weight and the depression as well.)

I don't feel sorry for myself about my physical disabilities. I'm okay with adjusting my life because of them. I just still can't bring myself to accept that I can't exercise the way other people can and I know my refusal to accept this is only because of my desire to lose weight and be healthy.

I've finally accepted that I can't be as active as most of my peers, and I've been working on being more vocal about it, but I still have shame, and I hate that I have that shame, hence more shame. I don't want to be a pain in the ass ya know?

Anyway, I have come to a place where all those feelings of shame and of trying to fight the illnesses have lessened a great deal, which means, again, that I am a happier person with a lot less stress.

Then there is the mental catastrophe to talk about.

I honestly think I had depression as a child when I look back, but there's no way to know. What I do know is that when I hit my early teens, I had it. I had really bad depression and I didn't know it was depression, I just thought I was a really sensitive person lol. A misunderstood teen.

I didn't realize I might have a problem till I was nineteen, living in a bachelor apartment that I'd rented with no employment to speak of, where I spent the majority of my time filling binders full of get-rich-quick ideas and reading tarot cards over the phone for Miss Cleo (without payment).

If you don't remember Miss Cleo, let me refresh your memory:



Three months later I found myself unable to get up from my futon because i was "inexplicably" paralyzed with depression. But this was before I started hallucinating and being afraid to go outside...

The worst part of it was that my entire family suffers from a cornucopia of lovely mental illnesses and not once did anyone in my family suggest that I might also be afflicted - they all just thought I was the "normal" one. The one who would actually go somewhere in life.

Anyway, so I sought help and was diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorders. The little pink pill (paxil) they gave me made me feel better for about a year, but when it stopped working, things were a lot worse and this coincided with the worsening (and discovering) of my physical issues.

Since the initial diagnoses, I'd been seeking proper help in the form of therapy to no avail, and ended up being switched to effexor for a while (this made me worse), and then to celexa (which helped a lot and which I still take now) by a family doctor who I all but reported for malpractice for so many reasons.

I was monitoring my own meds and recieving zero therapy due to long waiting lists and a bitch of an ex-roommate who failed to deliver a very important phone message to me.

It wasn't until late last year that my name finally reached the top of a waiting list and I got myself a proper therapist, working under a psychiatrist.

The official diagnoses was Borderline Personality Disorder (which I knew) and they are keeping an eye out for signs of bipolar, which is tricky because you can have both, but it's hard to tell since people with BPD usually exhibit a lot of similar traits as people with Bipolar. Either way, I'm sick in the noggin'.

The good news is I'm finally getting help. There's a program that people with BDP can go through called Dialectic Behavoural Therapy that I'm on the waiting list for. This is supposed to help drastically with my issues and help me deal with things in my life.

As for what I can do to actually fight my mental issues, I 'm really not sure. Trying to fight them in the past, as if they weren't a reality, usually proved to create more guilt and so the cycle goes. I've learned that if I don't take my illnesses into consideration, it will lead to unnecessary disappointment.

The problem is that until I do what I need to do/learn what I need to learn therapy wise, I keep going through the same mental issues as always, and as always, they take me two steps backwards. It's always a matter of keeping my head above the water, and after so many years, that is very tiring and makes it more and more tempting to just let go, to give in, to drown.

My mental illness is the strongest force in my life - it paralyzes me and I can never get used to it, because if I did, it would mean being satisfied with not improving myself or my situation.

This is the obstacle in my life that fuels the other obstacles, the obstacle that prevents the other obstacles from being removed.

If the plant continues to grow, it's kind of hard to prevent the leaves from coming back, season after season.

I'm overweight because I was so depressed that I didn't care. I'm still overweight because I'm still depressed and I use food as a drug because I don't know how to manage my emotions properly. I'm still overweight because I have osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia, which fuck up my physical activity and metabolism.

I'm overweight, which makes the physical disabilities worse, because my poor joints have to carry all that extra weight, which makes physical activity even harder, which makes losing weight even harder.

I'm overweight, which makes me depressed because I'm not happy with my body, which has given me a low self-esteem, which has effected my social life, which has made me more depressed and withdrawn, which has made me want to eat more...

It's all mental though. My own mind has created my own misery and what will happen if I can't change my mind? I wish it was more of a choice. I wish I could just buck-up and get on with life. But it's more complicated then that. I can buck-up, but it's only a matter of time before it catches up with me again and the fall is always so hard.

I feel like a whiny baby complaining. But this is my reality. I wish I were just a whiny baby, so someone reading this could slap me in the face and show me my own stupidity, and then I could move on.

So this is my reality.

I have osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia that I receive disability for because I can't work. I have this delayed sleep phase disorder that prevents me from keeping a normal schedule, which is okay, because I don't work anyway. I don't work, which allows me the opportunity to actually write and follow my dream of being a successful writer.

All of this seems to work itself out... it almost seems like the universe planned it that way for a reason.

But my reality includes this debilitating mental illness, which seems to be THE obstacle standing in my way. It scares the shit out of me to think that I'll be this stagnant and unable to escape when I'm thirty seven. I can't deal with that, I have way too much potential for that to happen.

They're playing with meds (carefully) and I'm seeing a really good therapist on a regular basis. I should be getting into the DBT program thingy quite soon according to her, at which time I'll still be seeing her.

Aside from trying again and again and not giving up, I'm really counting on the program and the therapy to give me a lot of what I need to improve the way I live my life.

And it will be completed before I turn thirty.

Something else I'm starting to consider is gastric bypass surgery. I've obviously considered it many times before, but was always against it because it's unnatural.

But now the pros are really beginning to out-weight the cons: this surgery would make me lose weight, which would take stress off my joints, which would allow me to be more active, which would improve my overall health and lessen my general pain, which would make me more generally happy. I would not be so disgusted with my body, which would make me feel more confident, which would give me higher self-esteem, which would make me happier and improve my social life, which would make me happier as well.

It would be a huge thing to not have to worry about, which would free up so much energy. It would drastically effect my mental state and level of self-love.

I'm not saying that losing weight would solve my problems. I'm naive but not that naive. I just know that it would be a gigantic step toward improving my life.

The only concern I have is that getting such a surgery would not change my eating behaviours in itself, so I would definitely need to get help on that part of the deal.

So those are two gigantic things that will be happening before the big 3-0 (not sure about the surgery yet though).

I'm so tired right now that the usual momentum I'd have for "trying again, but this time better" is not showing itself. The thought of listing all of the things I need/want to accomplish is so overwhelming that I think it's best if I just try to keep it simple until I'm more capable of pondering more. Even the simple things are making my heart rate a little jumpy.

1. Take good care of myself.

That's my first job. I'll go from there.

I'm actually not done writing this entry, but my eyes are getting a lil' tired so I'll end it for now.

If you've read all this, well, you're a trooper! Thanks :)


Love Marylin.

A Bit Bored

I just got home from getting my bangs trimmed. I was terrified of going but for some reason I've felt a lot better since Don was here last night so I think that's what helped push me out the door. Mind you I took the stair-well and snuck out the side door, but I did it.

I have to admit, the worst part of it was the trimming of the bangs... she took less then a minute and left them so very uneven - they're crooked for goodness sake! Plus, I cannot stand the mirrors in hair salons: they are the scariest mirrors I've ever looked in, they make me look my very worst and I always get sad when I see myself in them.

Waiting for the second bus was shitty because it's still way too cold for my liking, but all in all I did good. I'm back at home behind locked doors and back in my comfies, smoking and typing, the way it oughta be. Because it's not as if I don't enjoy being behind my desk all the time, it's that I want it to be for no other reason than 100% choice.

Being out today also made me very uncomfortable and self concious about my weight: I'm already big, but this past while I've gained more and am carrying a lot of bloat from sitting all the time. So I gotta take care of that *sniffles. I need the stupid weather to warm up, and I've decided I need a new mp3 player because I hate walking, but I don't mind it when I'm listening to music so I think that's important. The one I have now cost $15 and broke after two months lol. I really have no idea how much a decent one would cost... I just want it to play the music, no other fancy tricks necessary.

So I need some mace and an mp3 player.

I'm hoping this lessening of anxiety persists - otherwise I don't see how I can deal with things in any constructive way.

Feeling fugly and slightly optimistic.

-Love Marylin.

Creeping Out Of The Comfort Zone

Congratulate me, dear readers, I've lost 9.4 pounds and I'm telling the world! Well, it's a big deal to me, so shut up and be happy for me or go away because I have a long way to go and you'll be hearing about it, that's for sure.

It's a big deal, I'm an emotional eater and I have realized that the reason I haven't been able to lose weight has been because I haven't learned how to manage my emotions. So now that I'm learning to manage my emotions, I am also managing my eating... see how that works? So many years without knowing that... what a shame... but better late than never.

I just realized how uncomfortable I am with sharing this information with the world: there is a lot of shame involved in emotional eating, it's an addiction to something that gives comfort, much like drugs, alcohol, sex... never an easy thing to share. Fuck it. It's time to come out of the comfort zone.

-Love Marylin

I Cut Ma Brotherrr In Half

Hmmm so I finally started this new blog that I've been sitting on for like a year, so go check it out: The Thrifty Witch. I believe that's blog #4 that I write on.... no I don't have an obsession...

Actually, there is going to be another new one sometime in the future, all about books baby!

So what else is new...

I'm losing weight. Doing it the slow, healthy way so it stays off for good. I don't want to get skinny though, I'd rather still have a little meat on the bones, the way women were meant to be thank you.

The only part I have trouble with is the exercise because it really hurts! LOL I know you're saying "duh, of course it hurts!" but I have to contend with the pain of Osteoarthritis and Fibromyalgia which means it doesn't get much easier as I go along, it all depends on what my body wants to throw at me any particular day.

I'm trying to find out if ODSP will cover my transportation to the YWCA so I can go swimming, but with the way they work (under the government) I'm sure it will be quite the battle.

Anyway, while we're on the subject of weight loss, I might as well rant about the whole diet thing:

Diets don't work!

When someone goes on a diet, they are usually depriving themselves of a certain food group, taking some sort of pill, or doing some other thing that isn't good for the health.

If the said diet actually works and the weight comes off (that is, if their body hasn't had enough and they don't end up binging, thus repeating the whole diet-roller coaster that reeks havoc on the body) the person usually goes back to eating the way they did before and they will gain even more weight back because the body will want to store more fat since it's felt like it has been starved during the diet period.

It's a vicious cycle and it is abusive to the body.

The only thing that is going to work and be permanent is changing the way you eat FOREVER. That sounds scary, so the key to doing that is by NOT depriving yourself, because if you do, it just won't work.

The simple fact is if you want to lose weight, you have to use more energy than you take in. You simply cannot eat too much! Sounds simple so why do most people fail?

Because they're dieting! lol

The only weight loss plans I've ever heard of actually working working are calorie counting, and weight watchers - they are basically the same exact thing except with weight watchers you use points which I find makes counting a hell of a lot simpler and thus easier to do.

The reason you need to count the calories is so you can make sure you are not taking in too many, and so that you can learn more about the foods you're eating and know that in fact a bagel counts as two servings and a seemingly innocent bran muffin packs a ton of calories (and I'm talking sometimes around 500 or more!).



Keep counting and you will eventually begin to memorize a whole lot of it, making it easier to continue eating properly.

But remember, you cannot deprive yourself! That's just asking for disaster. The key is moderation and common sense.

You have to eat healthy. Make it more interesting and more beneficial by getting many different kinds of produce so you don't end up getting sick of anything - makes it more fun too.

Hell I'm doing it and I hardly ever eat salad, imagine that lol.

People eat too much. Once you start eating less, you'll probably wonder how you could have eaten as much as you did before you started.



Don't be an idiot! Know yourself. What are your weaknesses? I can't keep certain foods in the house because I just KNOW I will binge on them, so I just eat those foods outside the home, in moderation.

Pop is a culprit. Regular pop is loaded with sugar, which is very fattening, and diet pop is loaded with sodium and aspartame, which will bloat you and do all kinds of horrible things to your body. I refuse to keep it in my house so if I want some I have to go buy a can at the store and I won't drink diet so I really have to think about whether I want to waste those points/calories on a can of pop.



But if you don't eat things you like, you will regret it. You will eventually give in and probably binge because you've been deprived for so long. So the ticket is to eat what you like, but not all the time and in moderation.

I'm doing it right now and I don't feel AT ALL like I'm dieting. And I'm losing weight. Since I know it will take a very long time to lose all the weight I want to lose, I know what I'm doing is right because I feel confident that I'll have no problem eating this way for the rest of my life. It's just more satisfying over-all because when you eat right, you feel so much better and hardly ever crave bad foods.

I could go on about this subject forever so I'll just add a few more things:

You HAVE to eat regularly. This has been a huge problem for me in the past (and still sometimes now). But the fact is, it screws up your metabolism if you don't eat every few hours. If you don't eat regularly, you will not lose weight, plain and simple.

You cannot weigh yourself too often! This will just screw with your mind and make you obsessed with the numbers because the body fluctuates in weight all the time. I'd say once a week is your best bet.



Water is so important. We're made up of mostly water and the body functions at its best when we are drinking enough of it. Water helps you lose weight, it cleanses the systems, helps flush things out, and makes the body perform it's functions better.

Don't get depressed if you have a week of not losing any weight, or even gaining a bit of weight: it doesn't necessarily mean you're doing anything wrong so just keep at it and you'll probably see results next time. If the pattern keeps repeating though, you have to look closer at what you're doing and possibly make some changes.

Anyways, I'm sure that's enough ranting for now lol.

I'll close with an accomplishment =) I make these disgustingly delicious brownies that Don is in love with. They're just too good not to eat lol. So I made him a batch yesterday and whilst I was baking, I counted up how many points they were so that I could safely enjoy one for myself and know how much I was putting in my body.

This is what I'm talking about with being smart and moderation. This way you are fully satisfied and don't have to explain to everyone why you cannot eat dessert lol.

Alright, enough.

Happy mother's day to all the good ones out there, and especially my own mum who is the bestest and would give her arm and leg up for her children - I love you!!!

-Love Marylin.

I See The Sun!

Spring is finally here, and lo and behold, I'm alive again.

My SAD wasn't nearly as bad as usual this winter though, and I account that to the fact that I changed my living situation, cut out people who were not really my friends at all, and had the support of my best friend, who is my rock for better or worse.

If I stay on this track, I expect each year to get better and better. It's a hard road but it's my road.

I'm feeling pretty darn good all in all. My only real complaint would have to be the over-all health, but that, too is being improved through perseverance. I will always be "sick" but I don't always have to be sick, lol.

Had a trip to the emergency this week due to unexplainable pain. Getting an ultrasound on Tuesday but I'm hoping it was just a bad case of ovulation pain (cross my fingers).

Gross! Speaking of health, I've completely cut out all artificial sweetener from my diet. It started when I tried a cookie recipe using Splenda: the cookies tasted horrible and went into the trash. After some research on Splenda, I found out that it isn't even made from real sugar like they claim. They call it sucralose to trick people into thinking it's sucrose (real sugar). Not only that, but it's full of the same chlorine that's used in swimming pools. No thank you sir.
Than I realized that there are only 15 calories in 1 teaspoon of sugar. Considering I only use sugar in my coffee, I found it pretty stupid of me to be using sweetener to save calories. The chemicals of the sweetener are doing far more damage to me than a bit of sugar ever would. I urge everyone to do some research on the subject. Even if you're trying to lose weight (which I am) or are diabetic, using real sugar is still going to be better in the long run. Just off the top of my head - sweeteners make you retain water, which makes you bloated and weigh more.

"Diet soda, which generally is sweetened with aspartame, has been shown to be linked to an increased incidence of obesity by Sharon P. Fowler, MPH, and colleagues at the University of Texas Health Science Center, San Antonio in a recent study."



But I digress.

Doing spring cleaning! My spring cleaning usually lasts throughout the whole spring because I really get down to the details. I scrub, I purge, I organize.

Professionally I'm still procrastinating! Gods help me. I've got a domain up and ready for action but it's still not done! I managed to create a whole site from scratch for my brother and did quite a bit of work on Don's site and blog, but my own site? nope. That too, will be remedied though, and I'm not terribly worried - I've got a purpose and I will fulfill it.

I've been in a huge cooking/baking mood lately! I love it! Thank goodness I have someone to cook for sometimes or it just wouldn't be as fun.

Going to Hempfest, today being 4/20 and all. Should be interesting...

Ta!

-Love Marylin

A Fat Rant

The Biggest Loser

214 pounds???? Holy shit!!! Now THAT is inspiring!

Things I like about the show:

• The people are real people with REAL weight problems... these days people think a size 14 is fat, so this show definitely isn't like that.
  
  
• They don't put the contestants on a 'diet' (aka low carb, low fat, high protein, cabbage soup everyday, etc.). They don't really emphasize food besides stressing a healthy, easy to maintain, long term way of eating -- it's not a diet if it's forever.
  
  
• It's inspiring - it makes me feel like it's something I can achieve too.
  
  
• Bob the trainer -- he's awesome! I wish he'd come train me!
  
  
• The theme song -- inspiring as well.
  

Things I don't like about the show:

• It's for Americans only. (I'm Canadian!)
  
  
• Although they don't put them on a diet, which I like, I wish they would talk a bit more about what the contestants ARE eating, and why.
  
  
• Although inspiring, for someone with alot of physical disabilities like myself (asthma, osteo-arthritis, fibromyalgia), the idea of the rigorous workouts they do is out of the question, which makes wanting to do the same thing a Pipe Dream
  
  
• What's her face - the new trainer. She's no Bob.
  
  
• The finale, when they come back and show their great new bodies -- it's awesome to see but for some people who are extremely obese, like Erik was, you have to wonder about the whole hanging skin thing that usually happens when people that big lose alot of weight. Their bodies look perfect, but did they go through any skin surgeries, etc. before the finale?
  

Weird fact about me: for some reason, whenever I watch 'The Biggest Loser' I have to be snacking on something... hmmm.

Anyway, here's footage of the Biggest Loser, Erik from New York, weighing in for the last time:

http://video.nbc.com/v/?linkId=50699&sender=mins_stuff@yahoo.ca&name=maryiln#

Stay healthy!


Love Marylin.

The Single Life

"Come on be on fire
Come on be a liar
My dress is the prettiest
Cover me in burns
Everyone take your turn
I'm already humiliated"

Courtney Love - Almost Golden

St. Patrick's Day proved to quite a kick in my ass as to how lonely it can be to be solo. It was quite annoying, actually, watching all these drunken men hitting on just about any woman that was breathing: except, of course, for me.

No, I'm not even being paranoid - it's a common theme in my life. I'll give you an example: I went to an opera with my friend and we were both invited back to the "meet & greet" afterwards where all the cast and everyone says their congratulations over a nice glass of wine. I was dressed pretty nice, even decked out my pearl necklace, very elegant. My friend was wearing ripped jeans and a t-shirt.

Anyway, eventually the conductor, Daniel Lipton, came over to where we (along with the Tenor) were sitting. Everyone was introduced, and when he shook my hand he didn't even bother looking in my direction. In fact the whole time he was talking to the three of us, he didn't glance in my direction once. He was very friendly to everyone else, and pretty much ignored me, even though I praised his damn play.

Later, when I was alone with my friend, I mentioned this, and she said she noticed it as well. Confirmation that I wasn't going crazy. Confirmation that I'm not just paranoid.

Now I'm not ugly. Yes, I am over-weight, but I'm not at all repulsive to look at. And as far as I know, I'm pleasant enough to spend time with.

So what is it about me that makes me so unnoticeable. Is it because I have such a complex about it that I'm subconsciously making it a reality? I really hope not, because the more it happens, the more it bothers me.

Suffice it to say that I' m still alone - a single woman in a cruel world. And answer me, how in the world am I supposed to love myself when the rest of the world so obviously doesn't even give me notice?

Seriously, I want to know.


Love Marylin.