Step 1: Trusting Your Feelings

Q: Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?

A: I don't always trust my own feelings - being borderline has caused me to second guess myself countless times because the extent to which I feel things is greatly exaggerated/ larger than they would be for others in the same situation.

I know that feelings are not facts, but chemical reactions to thoughts and the interpretation of those thoughts - that emotions do serve a purpose and can be useful if you act on their messages.  And I usually do trust that what I'm feeling reflects much of the truth that is going on, though I can't usually know that for sure until the emotion has calmed or passed and I can look at it retrospectively.  But at the same time, I know how distorted things can look when you're in the middle of the emotions and it seems hopeless and all of those cognitive distortions do a number on your thinking.

These facts have often left me confused as to how I should ultimately react/what actions i should take because there really is no right answer.

I'd say I've learned to recognize what my emotions are through a lot of practice in observing and describing them, but there are still times when I have no idea what I'm feeling and often my sadness will try to mask my anger, but I won't realize I'm angry until I've worked it through.

I guess the answer is, I trust my own feelings to guide me, but not to interpret a situation.


<3 M

Step 1: Fixing Things

Q: Am I attracted to people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?

A: I don't think I'm attracted to people who seem to need me to fix them: I don't recall that being my experience.  Aside from Brian, I usually end up going for the ones who are unavailable in some way.  I could be wrong though.

I've tried to "fix" them by doing things to make their lives easier so they could focus on improving themselves.  I've created plans, lessons, systems, and a lot more things that have taken a lot of time and effort so I could fix them.  I've riddled them with advice from my well of "wisdom" and who knows what else.  I've tried to solve their problems because "obviously they aren't capable of doing so themselves."


<3 M

Step 1: Love VS Pity

Q: What is the difference between pity and love?

A: Pity is when you feel bad for someone and treat them gentler than you would otherwise.  You allow people you pity to get away with more because you feel they desere a break bcause of what they've gone through. 

Love is when you are happy being with a person because who they are touches you to your core and you want to nurture that experience.  Love is a feeling of joy while pity feels something closer to guilt.


<3 M

Step 1: Me, Myself, and I

Q: How do I feel when I'm alone?

A: When I'm alone, I feel more like myself than at any other time.  I like being in control of my environment because it effects my mood - I can choose to have silence, sing loudly, or turn on music.  I can relax and concentrate because no one can distract me. I can get in touch with myself a lot more and maintain better self-awareness.  I like being alone.

But sometimes it gets lonely and I crave companionship.  With Brian, I tend to miss him a lot and sometimes don't know what to do with myself when he's not around. I guess I got used to doing most things with him around and since he's the first bf I've ever lived with, I have no practice/previous experience to draw from.

I also prefer being alone because I feel super anxious and self-conscious around people, so I'm not able to be comfortable and just relax and be myself.  I just lock up when I'm with others and no one can see who I am because I'm closed off.


<3 M

Step 1: Start With Yourself

Q: How well do I take care of myself?

A: I don't take care of myself very well or consistently.

During hard times, I tend to neglect self-care - when times are better I find it easier, although I still struggle.

My hard times would be less hard if I took care of myself during them, and if I took care of myself during good times, it would make it easier to continue to do so during hard times.  And the hard times might be easier because of it.

It made sense to me, anyway.


<3 M

Step 1: Yin-Yang

Q: How do I feel when life is going smoothly?  Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?

A: When life is going smoothly, I start to get optimistic and feel it's okay to start working on future goals and getting on with living my life.  But I've learned in the past two and a half years, that there's always another issue lurking behind the corner when you're with someone who has ADD.  And then it feels really unfair and unmanageable, and I feel resentful/anger toward him/the situation.

My wish is not to get rid of problems (that is unrealistic), my wish is to turn the volume down on the scale of the problems and perhaps make more time go by in between their occurrences.

On a daily basis, I anticipate problems as a learned habit.  It takes energy away from me, puts focus on others rather than myself, stresses me out, and takes up so much space in my life than if I were to just deal with problems when they actually happen instead of worrying all the time.

I don't think I feel more alive in a crisis - crisis puts me in the worst health and makes me miserable.  It takes all my energy and sucks the life out of me.

I feel alive when I'm participating in life and trying to achieve goals.


<3 M

Step 1: Caring For Yourself

Q: Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?

A: I don't think I take care of others easily - I want to but I don't so much.  And I do find it difficult to care for myself because I neglect that when there's too much negativity going on  - problems to deal with that are averting my attention away from myself and making me too lethargic to bother.

I've wanted to take care of others more but have had difficulty doing so because of my health.  I feel guilty about that.  I've wanted t take care of Brian better, but I was too resentful and stubborn.


&lt;3 M

Step 1: Creating Resentment

Q: Do I say "yes" when I want to say "no"?  What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?

A: I say "yes" when I want to say "no" and that often takes away from the time or energy that I need in order to make sure I'm okay.  This creates resentment which hurts me the most.  I often feel guilty saying "no".  I'm afraid they'll not like me anymore and instead, I end up not liking them.  It makes my life unmanageable because I'm doing for others and choosing their problems over my own.  I'm choosing others over myself, over and over again.


<3 M

Step 1: Seeking Approval

Q: How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?

A: This is a hard one to answer because I'm not really sure.  I know I do it, but I'm not aware of the ways in which I do.  This is where I may need outside perspective from someone who knows me well.

A few ways I know of are just plain asking for it; letting others cross my boundaries; going against my own boundaries; and showing emotions when I don't get it.


<3 M

Step 1: Unmanageability

Q: How do I know when my life is unmanageable?

A: I know my life is unmanageable when I'm anxious everyday; my health is suffering; I neglect self-care and doing things I love; I become depressed a lot; I isolate from everyone; I don't like who I'm becoming or how my life is; I can't dream for the future because all my energy and focus is on solving what's going on now; I have trouble doing the basic things in life; I don't know myself anymore and I don't know what the hell I'm doing; I'm trying to control people and things to the point of exhaustion even though that's never worked in the past; and I indulge in problem/addictive behaviouirs to comfort myself.

Yeah I'd say that's pretty unmanageable.


<3 M

Step 1: Hearing Loved One's Concerns

Q: Who has expressed concern about my behaviour? My health? Give examples.

A: My mum has exressed concern about me because she could see what this was doing to me - I was always so stressed out and frustrated and she didn't understand why I was continuting with the relationship - she was concerned about my happiness and health.

Brian has expressed concern about how everything has effected me mentally and emotionally and how it's effecting my health and all aspects of my life.

Friends have expressed concern about my continuing isolation.


<3 M

Step 1: Helping You Help Yourself

Q: What brought me into Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?

A: I came to Al-Anon because my father's downward spiral into alcholism was effecting me in bad ways - I needed help dealing with it, so Jodie (friend) brought me to a meeting.

I hoped I'd find out helpful tips on how to help the alcoholic stop drinking.

My expectations are vastly different - I learned quickly that Al-Anon helps you help yourself, not the other person.

I came back to Al-Anon because my relationship with Brian effects me in the same way that an alcoholic would and it stood to reason that the same program would help for this too. I was right. But I don't expect to get as much help out of it because Brian isn't an alcoholic, he has ADD so I can't share as everything at meetings and I probably can't get a sponsor.

<3 M

Step 1: Shame

Q: In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else's behaviour?

A: (This is very hard to share) I feel shame or embarrassment for [his] behaviour when we're around other people and the bad habits and behaviours peek out;  When he ignores his hygiene and doesn't care how he looks;  When he talks to others about himself or our relationship using hyperbole, half truths, or mis-remembered information;  When we get into arguments in public;  When people ask about us and I have to hold back the truth because I don't want to make him look bad to others.

*gulp*

<3 M

Step 1: No Quick Fixes

Q: Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?

A: There is no real quick fix to my problems, I’ve learned that from experience.

There are simple solutions, but habits are hard to break so it doesn’t usually end up being simple.

Quick fix? Not a chance.  It’s hard work to achieve great things.


<3 M

Step 1: Mind Your Own Business

Q: How can I let go of others problems instead of trying to solve them?

A: I can let go of others problems instead of trying to solve them by respecting their right and ability to deal with their own problems.

I could try to remember it’s not my responsibility nor does it actually help the person because they don’t learn to deal with their issues if someone else tries to fix everything for them.  I’d have to remember loving detachment.

I can focus on my own problems instead and mind my own business.  I can try to work on observing the small space before reaction occurs so I can choose to let go rather than meddle.


<3 M

Step 1: Respecting Other's Ability To Handle Life

Q: What would happen if I stopped trying to change the ADHD person or anyone else?

A: If I stopped trying to change him, I would probably feel a lot of fear because I’d think he would just get worse and worse and everything would become horrible and we’d end up breaking up.  I would feel insecure because I’d think he would forget important things and maybe think I no longer want him to try.

I’d feel helpless and out of control, as if by not trying to change him, it means I’m gonna ruin the relationship. I would not know if I could handle letting it all go unless I knew he had a handle on it.  And if he didn’t I guess that’s another story. 

If I didn’t try to change others I’d feel like I’m not trying to help them – with my mum I’d feel like I’m sort of abandoning her to her "horrible life."

Note: I understand and agree that trying to change anyone is fruitless and means you shouldn't be with them in the first place - that they are perfectly fine the way they are and I don't have to choose to be with them.  The change I'm talking about here is more to do with bad habits and behaviours associated with adult ADHD and not with who they are as a person.


<3 M

Step 1: Powerlessness

Q: How do I feel when the person with ADD refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?

A:  When he refuses to be and do what I want, I feel hurt and powerless. I get really frustrated, sometimes angry, and I often begin to only see the negative, which leads me to feel depressed and confused and questioning my decision to be in the relationship.

My response is often to challenge him in some way, usually by confronting him with the behaviour while it’s happening and expressing my anger, frustration, disgust, etc., hoping he will stop and/or change the behaviour.  Not only do I want him to not do the behaviour, but I NEED him to know how much it effects me so he will “care.”

If I don’t confront him about it immediately, I might go hide and wait for him to come to me and seek resolution, because at that point he has likely calmed down and is more willing to hear me.  Hiding sometimes comforts me when I’m upset and it often leads me to wise-mind.

I might talk to him about the behaviour later when there’s time to talk and hopefully by then I’m able to be more skillful.


<3 M

Step 1: Manipulation

Q: What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?

A: To get what I want and need, I have put my emotions onto others thinking that if they only knew how I felt, they would understand and bend to my needs.  This was me trying to control things passive-aggressively.  I didn’t even know I was doing it.

A better way to accomplish getting what I need from others would be to use interpersonal effectiveness skills and not manipulate them with my emotions.  It’s not anyone’s responsibility to take care of me, nor does anyone owe me anything.  So the best I can do is be honest, assertive, and skillful and make sure to express what I need to others,  because they can’t read my mind -  and if they don’t give me what I ask for I need to accept that and move on.  More importantly, I need to make sure I meet my own needs myself, as its my responsibility to do so.

<3 M

Step 1: Freedom To Enjoy Another Person

Q: How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?

A: I’ve tried to change others in my life by expressing my emotional discomfort in ineffective ways because their behaviour was not up to my expectations in one way or another.

Though I have the right to not accept another’s behaviour, I don’t have the right to try to control their behaviour.  I’ve often had trouble stepping back from a person or situation and not get wrapped up in emotional entanglement.

Because I have BPD, I have usually wrapped myself up in others as my source of security, and without fail, that has always led to me getting hurt because they didn’t live up to the unrealistic expectations I put on them – I somehow thought it was their job to make me feel good about myself – to give me my self-worth.  But if I had had my own sense of self-worth, I would be free to enjoy my relationship with them and not fall apart when something happened that was out of my control in the first place. 

Because I’ve had trouble distinguishing the line of where I ended and the other person began, I felt I needed to control them because if I didn’t I might lose control of myself.  This has only led to unhappiness and loss.


<3 M

Step 1: Separating The Person From The Problem

Q: Do I accept that [ADHD is a disorder]? How does that change how I deal with him?

A: I accept that ADD is a neurological disorder and not who he is but what he has.  This changes the way that I deal with him because I separate the disorder from the actual person.  If I don’t remind myself of this, I end up seeing him as the disorder and not just suffering from it.  When I do this, it makes things harder and makes me believe that he really does have control over it (himself) and that he is a bad person/doesn’t care about me enough to try harder.  This is dangerous and incorrect thinking.

Although it is difficult to make the separation, I know that not to do so is unfair to him and means we don’t stand a chance.  I know that if it were in his control, he would have changed it by now.  I know this because I know that he does try hard and he does want it bad enough and he does love me that much.

It does not excuse him from bad behaviour by any means, we are all responsible for our behaviour – its just that some of us have more difficulty managing.


<3 M