How I've Been Feeling

 

<3 M

   

In My Mind

This song seems to do a good job of straightening out my thinking:





<3 M

Doll Parts

Sarah and Alyssa covering 'Doll Parts' at This Ain't Hollywood - awesome night.





Love M

Thinking Way Too Hard About A Title

Ugh, I feel like the bear being forced to wake up because spring is approaching and it's time to gtfo of the cave now.  Well it's not a comfortable transition: I'm cold and tired and sore and I need a couple cups of coffee first, k?  My sleep has been screwy for the last week or so.  I tried to stay up today but had the wise idea of laying down and watching a documentary where a bunch of people perform Leonard Cohen songs, with him speaking randomly in between in that beautiful voice of his... that's all the lullaby I need.  I woke and decided to practice the guitar more but got flustered cause I couldn't find any good videos to help teach me.  I just wanted to learn the damn 'B' chord... that shouldn't be so hard, should it?

I was looking at my long neglected YouTube channel because I wanted to change my username since 'Lilith Kills' doesn't really reference much, I just think it's a cool name.  Apparently you have to make a whole new account to do that so I don't think I'm going to.  I have two videos on there and I'm thinking about making another one soon just for fun.  No idea what I'd do on it but I'll figure it out.  One of my videos is a sort of book trailer I made a long time ago to help promote my book and I thought since I could really use the money right now and I still have copies, that I'd share my cheesy video here and see if anyone out there wants to read some really good fucking poetry.  So, without further ado...



Thank you, thank you :op

In other news, I ran into a friend from high school last week at This Ain't Hollywood, who now lives in the city so that is awesome - I need more females in my life, especially ones who aren't dipsticks.   Speaking of TAH, all three bands were fucking good and I didn't realize Hamilton was harbouring such kick ass female rockers.  I am pleased.  I am also pleased (while we're on the subject of music) to announce that The Creepshow are playing The Casbah on the 31st and tickets are only $10 and I am very excited!  We (Buttercup) interviewed them back in October '09 and I loved them as soon as I heard them.  Hellz yeah.

I finished (for the most part) a piece that was inspired by Picasso in a way that I'm sure no one could possibly guess lol.  I really like it but I don't like it so much digitally - it lost a lot of awesomeness through the scanning process, but I'll show you anyway:



I'm going to a life-drawing class next month - I've never been to one but the price is very cheap and I want to take advantage of the experience.  I think it's going to be an ongoing thing so maybe I'll actually get good, ya never know!  It should be fun, anyway.

I know I'm all over the place in this entry but I want to speak briefly about publishing: am I the only one confused these days about what having your book published means?  Here is what I have always thought:  To publish your book, a publisher buys your manuscript and pays you royalties.  To self-publish your book, you design and print it (or hire someone to do that) and you make all the profit from sales (unless you've hired someone to market it or something).  And vanity publishing is paying some company (usually way too much money) to do everything for you, usually relinquishing most of the creative and financial control.  Have these definitions changed in the last few years?  I realize reading the wikipedia definitions clarify, but in reality, I've come across many people who don't seem to realize the difference.  I dunno, I guess it's just a stupid pet peeve and I wish the lines were more distinguishable/explainable.  Sigh.  It just reminds me of the damn poetry.com bullshit all over again.

Anyway, St. Patrick's Day tomorrow... not really a special day but I'm going to go out anyway and have a green beer because I've never actually had one before.  I know, it's just beer w/food colouring, but still, it's green.

Okay, get lost now!



Love M

Too Tired To Title

I. am. exhausted.

I totally lost it this weekend - something in me decided I didn't wanna deal with the pain I was going through (being reject #539 'er something) and so I didn't: instead, I pulled an old favourite and got myself and nice and wasted at around three in the afternoon on Saturday.  Being drunk and angry just feels so much better than sober and pathetic and in too much pain to be conscious.  I was quite trashed and decided I had to get out of the apartment, so, feeling nice and self-destructive, I narrowed my options and decided to head to Corktown to see Randy and Mr. Lahey (from the Trailer Park Boys).  So I wobbled over there, flask full of whiskey hidden in my purse (and bottle of Ativan just in case?) and actually had a pretty good time - the show was funny and as drunk as I was, I remember some of it - even standing with the rest of the patrons to sing 'Oh, Canada' after the 'boys' poked fun at those silly people requesting the lyric change (it's not hard to feel at least a little patriotic after those beautiful Olympic games).

Anyway, after that a few guys I know from a band got up and played a set with a new band they're in (Radio Free Universe: members include fellas from Bombshell and the guy from King Clansey) so that was okay.  Then closing time.  That's where things got ridiculous.

Some dude asked if he could share the cab with me cause he lives just a few blocks from where I'm going so I said sure why not.  That was a really stupid move apparently because all he did was get out of the cab at the same place as me and followed me into my fucking apartment building.  So I was fucking stuck in my apartment lobby with this really creepy guy who wanted to come to my apartment with me and kept calling me a bitch cause I was saying 'no, leave' meanwhile trying to grope and kiss me.  Then he drags me on the elevator! so I obviously refused to press any buttons cause I didn't want him knowing where I live (obviously).  After I don't know how long (and after flashing me in said elevator) he got fed up with the elevator business and tried pulling me into a stairwell.  But as wasted as I was, I was able to fight (thank gods).  Oh did I mention he grabbed my keys from me and wouldn't give them back?

Finally after about an hour of this torture he left and I booted my ass up to my apartment and locked the doors.

The next day was a hang-over and that same yuckiness that was intolerable the day before, except this time no drinky poo (as Mr. Lahey would put it).  I slept a good chunk of it away, then later on dealt with some unpleasantness and shed the damn tears I was trying so hard to avoid in the first place.  What a train wreck.  I'm pretty sure anyone talking to me lately thinks I'm a nut bag unless of course you already know me, then you already know I'm a nut bag.  Well, at least I learn from it all, that's something.

So after little to no sleep last night I had to get up early for an assessment to get into the eating disorders clinic here in Hamilton.  I pressed snooze at least ten times and felt like pure shit.  The assessment consisted of me sitting in this psychiatrist lady's office while she asked me about everything from my childhood to my suicidal tendencies and everything in between for about two and a half hours.  By the time we were done, I was completely drained and a little depressed because I had just talked about my life for two and a half hours and it was all really shitty stuff so it made me feel like I've had a really negative life.

As much as my apartment needs to be cleaned and that article needs to be written for Buttercup, there was no way.  I slept pretty much all day and it was very much needed.  And this is a big chunk of why I. am. exhausted.  No wonder it feels alien when I tell people my age cause I sure feel like I've been stuck at 13 forever.  I am so jealous of people who know how to live and people who know how not to fuck shit up and people who are reading this blog feeling sorry for me because they can't imagine being so miserably stupid.  And now I'm starting to make myself sick with my whining so I'll move on.

I do have some positive things to talk about.  I got a guitar!  Sean brought it over about a half hour ago and I've decided to relearn.  Yay!  Maybe when I'm 40 I'll be a rock star ;o)  I don't know how to read music - I learn by watching and listening because of course I like to do things the hard way.  I used to know so many freaking songs - I knew almost every Hole song too!  Damnit I wish I could remember.

What else, I needs monies.  I'm usually good with monies but I'm so tight this month and it's a really bad month to be broke cause I have two writer's meetings and a few shows I just have to go to.  Thursday I'm heading to 'This Ain't Hollywood'  to see '13 Bags of Dick' and 'Allysa In The Apple Tree.'  On the 20th I'm going to see 'Steel Mountie' at 'Bread And Roses.'   'Rackula' is having a CD release at the 'Casbah' on the 27th and I think that's it (I hope so cause I have no money! Please donate - I will show you my bra strap [no, I am not kidding]).  I need to do my damn taxes.

Alright, here's hoping for better days ahead.

xoxoxo




Love M

Hey! I'm Blogging Here!

Meh I just feel like writing random things.  I'm having kind of a blah Friday night here with George (actually, it's just me, George is too cool to hang out with me so he's chillin' on the bed).  Listening to the few tracks available right now by Evelyn Evelyn.  Watched 'Capturing The Friedmans' whilst working on an art piece (believe it or not, inspired by Mr. Picasso, even though the actual piece really has nothing to do with him or his work... figure that one out... I haz artistic license bitches).  Bob Dylan's on now.

I'm simultaneously gathering video, audio, and images of the good doctor (Hunter S. Thompson, of course) to put on a disc for future enjoyment.  I just don't get tired of that man and his genius.  He really is beyond fascination and more closely definable in spiritual terms... a deity... more important than sliced bread.  Or maybe this is just the fixative fumes talking - they're pretty strong.  The can says not to smoke...

I wish I had bought that bottle of wine after all.

Know what's ridiculous?  The fact that the majority of us westerners live in perpetual preparation for the future, whether it be the next half hour from now, the next month, the next decade, doesn't matter, it's what we do.  And we do this until we die, which means we've never really lived because we were too busy preparing.  And the really dumb part about that is we're not psychic, we don't know exactly what is going to happen in the future and we all know that plans never go the way they're "supposed" to.  What is the point of that?  We live in anxiety, the giant 'to-do' lists dangling above our heads, telling us we'd better not (Steve Sinnicks now) waste any time because we have to get these things done first and then we can enjoy ourselves... lmfao I don't know about you, but I've never not had a to-do list. Sure I get stuff done - but more stuff comes up to replace that stuff I just did and there are always things on that list that sit there FOREVER, taunting me, making me feel bad, lingering at the back of my mind when I'm trying to sleep at night and meanwhile I'm wondering why in the world I have insomnia or why in the world I'm so tense.

Instead of wasting our very short lives worrying about what needs to be accomplished, we should be enjoying the fact that we're alive and actually LIVE. And sure, we can be a bit anal sometimes about getting stuff done, but I really think that should count for the minority of our time, not the majority.  While I'm aware, lovely readers, that I'm far from the first person to point this out (Courtney Love now), these thoughts have recently made their meaning much more relevant to me and they are not just an important philosophy to strive for, so much as a major key in having a reason to get up every morning (I'm the kind of person who needs life to be meaningful, and if there isn't a real meaningful purpose or reason to live, well, that's just fucking depressing.  I also know these thoughts cannot really be stated enough, we all need reminders.

Of course, all of this makes much more sense within a Buddhist, dialectic context: namely mindfulness. Okay, /super enlightening speil... now.

What else is on my mind as of late... men.  I'm sure I'm going to get myself into trouble for something I'm about to say, but don't I always?  I am, after all, the queen of inappropriateness (note the ego).

I've been really pissed at the male species these days because it seems to me, at least in my experiences, that men have the ability to find extra special ways of being douchebags.  And I love men, I love men very much, and I'm not the type of person to typecast a whole group based on the behaviour of a few, but I am batting like, 99/100 here people. It definitely boggles my mind. (hey! fuck you Alexis On Fire! They only have samples on their MySpace page, pffft. Just kidding, love you George! But I'm putting on Sarah Blackwood now...) So anyway, I'm a big fat sucker.  I get stung by men over and over and yet I keep coming back for more.  Okay, maybe I am at least a little bit masochistic, but my tendencies usually go more along the lines of having my nipples pinched, not being lied to, used, blown off, etc.etc.

The only conclusions I've been able to come to are:

1. Men truly are so completely different than women, at least in the way they communicate, act, and often times think.  Duh, we all know that right?
2. Men aren't nearly as brave as we think they are - muscle does not equal heart of steel and so they have many fears and anxieties (just like we do) which seem to be expressed in ways that tend to piss women off.
3. Why? Well I'm assuming it's because society conditions them to "be men" and not show fear.  They're not encouraged to express themselves so how can we expect them to be able to?  I'm not saying they're cavemen who can't communicate, I'm just saying that they're more likely to shut down or fly the coop if fear or difficulty arises.

On the other hand, there does seem to be a plethora of men out there who actually ARE fucking jerks.  I hate to say it, but most of my friends are male and most of them are the ones confirming this conclusion.  Like, lying to someone to get them into bed?  Yeah, that's a jerk thing to do. Fucking jerk.

This line of thought doesn't really have a point, mostly because I have no idea what the moral of the story is, or how one can avoid the jerks or how men can all of the sudden learn to express themselves in healthy ways.  I would like to add, however, that I'm fully aware that us women are nuts as well, we're just nuts in completely different ways then men... both sexes are fucked in our own special ways.  But if you're a guy and  you're reading this, what the hell man?  what the hell...

P.S. I think there should be a 'Thank You' card or something like that for really really good oral sex.



Love M

Christmas Morning

Thank you Jeeesus for being boooooorn."



Yeah, right. I'm listening to South Park Christmas songs to brighten my mood.  I don't think people should be sad on Christmas if they're not dwelling on sad things and trying to focus on the good things - it doesn't seem fair - but for some reason, here I am, feeling like shit (though a lot less shitty than I did earlier).  I started feeling down the day before Christmas eve and it has progressed from there.  I guess it's a bit inevitable - I'm lonely so I'm going to feel it a hell of a lot more now than I would on any other day of the year.  I know it's really just another day, but to be realistic, it's not - you know it's not.  It's a time to spend with your loved ones: it stopped being a religious thing for most people a loong time ago.  You can try to think of it as any other day but trust me, I've tried that one, it's almost impossible. I can even hear my neighbour enjoying her loved one right now.

I do have one very special thing to look forward to today, and that's my fourteen month old niece, Amelie.  I'm going to try to focus all of my attention on her, after all, it should be about the young ones - it's a magical time for them, especially before they realize they want STUFF.  I'm pretty annoyed that my camera won't work so I can't take any pictures of her, but hopefully one of my brothers will.  I'm also really looking forward to Don coming over later.

I just need to get through to January 2nd and I'll be alright.  New years eve will be hard, but who knows, maybe I'll have someone special to spend it with next year - gotta stay positive right?  I'm looking forward to writing 2010 rather than 2009 - yes, I am a nerd, we know that.

Ways I have tried to cheer myself up today: singing, putting on make-up, watching Bush say dumb things on YouTube, came three times, did a half smile, and listened to South Park Christmas songs.  See?  I try, lol.  Emotional disregulation sucks.  Feeling incredibly lonely sucks.  Loving people way more than they could possibly love me back - well, that doesn't suck in theory, but it does when you're not very high up on anyone's list of people to care about, such is my case.  Being a downer and writing depressing things on my blog sucks.  Okay, I got that out of my system.  Oh, I forgot to mention that I am also PMSing.

Remember kids, you can suck all the dick you want and still be virgin.





Love M.

Wendy McNeill

My cab driver was playing this album and I was really into it so I asked him who it was and made sure not to forget so I could look it up when I got home.

And I'm glad I did, because this is really fucking good. I love finding new music I love.

You can hear more at http://wendymcneill.com and http://myspace.com/wendymcneill.

Enjoy.



-Love Marylin.

Mumbo Jumbo

So what is new with Marylin.

The T.V. has been on a lot lately: I rarely watch it but it sort of keeps me company at night. Bad habit, but I guess I need it right now.

Just painted coat number three on my living room wall in 'Dare-Devil' red. I quite like it and can't wait till I can put up the wall shelves and get this room done.

Started a bit of Spring cleaning but not planning on going crazy as last year I planned such a big clean/over-haul of the apartment that I ended up getting overwhelmed and taking forever to finish.

Shrink just doubled my meds - I was on the lowest dose possible, apparently... kinda pisses me off. I hate hate taking medication but I sort of also don't want to be completely miserable.

I am pretty miserable. If someone as optimistic as I am can get like this, I feel so sorry for people who started out on the pessimistic side of life.

I've sort of given up for the time being. Not really sure what that means. I'm afraid of trying because I feel so defeated and exhausted from so many years of failure that I don't think I can handle it again. So at the moment, I'm pretty much just taking it easy, whatever that means. I'm at a stand-still of sorts. Do not apply pressure, contents may explode.

I'm most likely moving my writer's group to a new location. We've all had enough of loud, poorly lit establishments that cost us more than we'd like to spend. We have a perfect location, but the move should be worth the extra few blocks east.

Speaking of the group, one of the members is forming a team for the second annual Hamilton 24 Hour Film Festival. The script will be written by members of Hamilton Writers, with me as head writer, and the film will be credited to the group. I thought that was very nice of him to give the group publicity when he could have taken all the credit himself. That should be really fun - it's coming up on May 1st.

I'm also thinking I should buy a domain for Hamilton Writers cause the current website just isn't cutting it. So many ads. Stupid Freeservers...

And don't get me started on domains! We're coming up on May and marylin.ca has been offline since February because people are fucking stupid and don't know how to do their jobs. All I want to know is how to point my domain to the right server. It's been almost three months now and I'm still working on the problem. How stupid is that?

Ummm I've been meeting with a new group in Hamilton, currently called 'Hamilton Hacker Space' and that's been pretty cool. The plan is to rent a space in the city to share for projects of any kind that you don't really have room for or don't want to do in your home. It's for artists, crafters, DIYers, hackers, computer geeks, etc etc etc. We're currently looking for a place, so the verdict is still out on whether or not I'll be able to be an active member - it all depends on the location of the space. I don't drive, I can't walk far, and when it comes to winter months, it's impossible to get me out very far.

What else... 'Main Desserts' on Main and Locke is no more and has been replaced with 'Shanti Yoga'. The cake at 'Main Desserts' was to die for, but I think I need a yoga center more. They offer belly dancing, which I really wanna do, and on Friday nights there's meditation and chanting so I'm gonna check that out with Jodie (my super awesome friend and neighbour) this week. I could really use it.

I'm happy that the warmer weather is coming around. I'm gonna start going for walks. Need to get a new mp3 player.

I dunno what else... I'm itching to do art but my living room is all fucked-up cause I'm painting... most of my materials are kind of inaccessible. I should do something about that tomorrow gods damnit. A friend wants to do an art swap with me so I guess I'd better.

I'm tired. T.V. kills brain cells.

I saw the series finale of 'Corner Gas' tonight - I'm gonna miss that show. Canada pulled off a sitcom in the middle of R-E-G-I-N-A and it was SUCCESSFUL. That's quite the accomplishment. Kudos. Canada rocks... and we're funny as fuck.

This blog is pissing me off. I hate the colour combinations! I'm so bad with colour! Yet I do art, go figure. But yes, it's driving me crazy. I want some pink... how hard can that be? *sniff sniff* Alas I won't fret about it now... *grumble*

I think I might be driving my neighbours crazy with my over-playing of Amanda Palmer's new album. She kicks the can across the street though so fuck them. I want her photo book... photos of the dead Amanda Palmer... beautifully sick.... Amanda Fucking Palmer.

Ok no more of this nonsense. I'm getting too comfortable with this blogging thing eh? So now you know what's goin' on in a nutshell.

There will never be enough space to fill the thoughts in my head, but I appreciate this piece of the world wide interwebz, I really do.

And so I go.


-Love Marylin.

It Runs In The Family

Trying to distract myself by working on web stuff, I'm so sick of the blah-ness of this blog but I was too busy messing around with my profile that I'm kinda too tired to start messing with colours... css and me are not the best of friends.

I recently started a LiveJournal, light pink and white, a far cry from this black black black blog. Whatever. That's not really what I wanna talk about.

I just wanna get off my chest that

I'm tired of the way things are my hair is always getting wet I'm always in the undertow I'm always in the undertow. The rape you gave me, take it back, the sick and twisted love you spoke, you spoke and now I never never want to hear your voice again. Things are NEVER going to be the same. I'm too fucking strong. Just knock me down, knock me down and watch me thrive on it... THRIVE on it. Enough. Done. Done. Done. I've cracked too many times this year already to remain in the shell, it's broken now. Broken. Fuck. You. Good. Bye. I'm waking up now.



i can run using every last ounce of energy
i cannot
i cannot
i cannot
run from my family
they’re hiding inside me
corpses on ice
come in if you’d like
but just don’t tell my family
they’d never forgive me
they’ll say that i’m crazy
but they would say anything if it would
shut me up.....


-Love Marylin.

Jibber-Jabber

Will watching the news really keep me up to date on what's going on in the world? No. I refuse to feel guilty about the fact that I don't because all I need to do is scan the headlines and I feel like I'm dealing with aliens...

Seriously, take a fucking peek for yourself and see what the world is focusing on as most important... do I seriously live among these creatures? Negative and sensationalized and I don't care.

*sigh*

Sorry, I don't know where that came from.

I made homemade burgers and fries with yummy mango milkshakes for dinner tonight - Don says it was yummy but maybe he's afraid I'll stab him with a fork if he says otherwise ;)

Definitely good times.

Had a mini Bob Dylan marathon earlier today - love that man.

Okay that crazy French Zig-Zag guy is talking to me and I think I'm just babbling for the sake of saying something and perhaps I should have filled this space with something more poetic than this jibber-jabber I call a blog.



Hey, hey Woody Guthrie, I wrote you a song
'Bout a funny ol' world that's a-comin' along.
Seems sick an' it's hungry, it's tired an' it's torn,
It looks like it's a-dyin' an' it's hardly been born.


-Love Marylin