Too Afraid

And I'm not sure how to change that.

I know how to change my social anxiety and I'm sure that will help, but this seems to be something else as well.  I hadn't really thought about it before now, not sure why, maybe I wasn't ready for the truth?

If I get excited about something, I will talk myself out of going for it.  There are dozens of reasons I give myself to rationalize not doing something.  This is what I've been living like.  And now look at my life - I'm not living it.  I mean I'm not experiencing and pursuing things and that makes me feel stagnant, useless, and pointless.

But enough about what it has done to me.

I don't want to focus on the problem - the problem has had enough time to thrive.  I want a solution.

Last night on Facebook, I saw the Hamilton Conservatory For The Arts was giving classes.  I thought about taking the beginners photography class because I've lately discovered taking photos is kind of enjoyable - don't know why I never felt that way before, but anyway...  I thought it would be a good thing for me to do to expand my horizons, learn some things, meet some peoples, etc.  The place is really close to where I live and the money isn't a problem.  Aside from the fact that I don't think I have the right kind of camera, there was nothing stopping me from going for it - except of course, myself.

I didn't know what happened in that moment between enthusiasm and deciding against it, but I believe it kinda went something like this:

Me: ooh exciting!
Myself: scary.
Me: It's close by!
Myself: Still far enough.
Me: I can learn a lot and have fun!
Myself: You're not a photographer, you have more important things to attend to before you go taking classes on subjects that won't even help your livelihood.
Me: This would be really good for my social anxiety exposure therapy.
Myself: That's too much to handle right now.
Me: I never do anything.
Myself: you can't handle it.
Me: okay, I guess you're right.

*Sigh*

I've been "disabled" for basically my entire 20's.  My issues changed me and the way I live my life tremendously.  But unfortunately, I allowed it to define and devour me.  Being enveloped in health problems for long periods is a great way to neglect every other thing in life.  I wasn't able to do so many things I wanted to do or used to be able to do so I guess somewhere along the way I stopped trying and reinforced the belief that I can't handle things, even though I consciously know/or at least think I can handle many things, I block myself from living the life I want to live.

Sure, I have some challenges that make it hard to do everything I'd like, but that doesn't mean I can't at least do some.  I'm afraid of social situations but I can fight through that.  I am way too easily overwhelmed... so I don't have to do everything all at once... I am in pain a lot of the time... so take it easy?  So why doesn't "myself" understand that?

And I know I have a lot of fear about being really far out of my comfort zone, and imagining that discomfort can be enough to make me do nothing.

How can I change this pattern? (not a rhetorical question).


<3 M

How To Be Happy

As laid out in 'The Pleasure Trap,' happiness is nature's way of letting us know we're moving in the right direction, and pain (or painful emotions) let us know when we're doing something wrong.  How does it distinguish between right and wrong?  Happiness is how we feel when we're in pursuit of gratification.  You may think gratification and happiness are the same thing, but apparently they're not.

In nature, our purpose is to a.)eat so that we can live in order to b.)procreate and get that done while c.)preserving energy and avoiding pain.  Each of these things have rewards when you do them - gratification. But if we don't get the gratification until we actually meet the goal, then what motivates us to stay on task?  It's not knowing that you'll be gratified - if that were the case we would all have no trouble achieving all our goals just because we know we'll feel good when they happen.

When you're on a journey, you use a compass to point you to north. If you get lost, you feel bad, discouraged, frustrated, etc. but when you get on the right track you feel a sense of purpose, you know you're where you should be, and you feel good.

The compass we have inside is our emotions.  It's as simple as that - if you feel happy, you're doing good.  If you feel bad, something isn't right.

The mistake a lot of us make is not enjoying the journey because we think we can't be happy until we've reached our destination/goals.  But the point is that happiness doesn't come from achieving, it comes from the journey to achievement.  So what's the point of achievement?

Humans still have those same innate instincts for survival that the rest of the animal kingdom have, the difference is how we live in society verses out in nature: our journeys and destinations may look a lot different, but we're still wired the same.

My point is, if gratification = happiness, and we want to be happy most of the time, than we'd all be fucking, gorging on fatty foods, and relaxing all the time.  If gratification = happiness, we'd all die out in no time.

Happiness is the pursuit of gratification, and gratification is doing something that helps your survival.  Survival just looks a lot different for us than it does in the animal kingdom.

So paying attention to how you're feeling now is important - you want to make sure you're on the right track and if you are on the right track, you're gonna wanna be present to actually enjoy the happiness.  And if you're not on the right track?  You can do something to get back on the right one.

Todays' lesson - always pursue goals that are important to you and what you value.  Enjoy the journey and the destination is unavoidable.

<3 M

Hats

 It's an interesting thing to think about when you're just waking up in the morning, but "career" has been on my mind and when I think of a career, it always flabbergasts me - gets me all twisted and confused until I end up pushing the thoughts to the back of my mind, again.

As I've said before, I think of a career for myself as an extension of my passions and how they can be utilized to do something in the world - no matter how big or small.  It's not about money so much as purpose, creation, and healing: I want purpose, I want to create, and I want to heal.  And I know I can do all of those things... it's the specifics that screw me up though.

I've read about multi-potentiality and know I fit into that category, but it still leaves me unsure of where to go from here - what am I to focus on in order to actually fulfill my three goals rather than spend/waste the rest of my life trying to figure it out?

I did figure out one option, but it seems so big and complex that it takes away from it being about passion and turns it into more of a "job."  And jobs are for paying the bills.  I want to actually care about what I do.

I don't know how to reconcile wanting to be an artist, a writer, a natural health practitioner, a life coach, an art therapist, and goddess know what else.

But it occurs to me that maybe if I stop worrying about it so much and just focus on doing some of those things, it will somehow eventually come together.

I guess the issue is more about focus: I'm sure there are ways to accomplish that... I'd sure love to know what they are.  I'd love to know what other people like me are doing/have done.


<3 M

Climbing Out Of My Skin

All my life I've been interested in many things, some of which have become passions of mine. This has made it seem impossible to figure out what it is I'm supposed to be doing with my life as far as purpose and an actual career.

When I was a little girl, I wanted to go to "Universary" and become a teacher.  When I got older and discovered I could write as a career and not just as a hobby, that's exactly what I was gonna do.

There have been a lot of hiccups.  In my late teens I became severely depressed and it completely stunted me.  I went inward and left life behind.  It immobilized me mentally and emotionally, and consequently socially and psychologically.

When I started to really pick up the pieces in my early twenties, I had to leave a promising job due to unexplainable physical and mental problems.  I was diagnosed by doctors and deemed unable to work.

When one spends several years in stagnation, trying skill-lessly to get better, apart from 'normal' life and 'normal' schedules, it becomes increasingly harder to get your head above water, and keep it there.  Life slowly but surely becomes purposeless, unnecessarily hard, and farther and farther out of reach.

It feels like I've been fighting forever and for the better part of those years, not getting very far.  I've learned a few lifetimes worth of lessons and gained a lot of skills and wisdom.  I just kept chipping away at the big boulder and after a long time, began to see it take some form.  For the longest time it just seemed like it wasn't ever going to budge.

But for the past few years, I've been able to see the difference of then and now - how far I've come.

When I was younger I was extremely ambitious and I had goals and dreams, plans for the future.  After years of living the kind of life I was living, I slowly stopped dreaming.  I didn't even notice it for a while but one day I realized I had no idea what I wanted my life to look like anymore, just that I didn't want it to look like it did.

I still had my many interests and passions, but no direction and no real idea of how to go about getting it.  It made me so sad to think I had no goals other than the same few goals I'd had for all these years: basic goals for my health since my health problems had weighed me down so much.  You could go through my journals throughout the years and see the same exact themes, year in and year out, struggling with myself against the same obstacles and never seeming to get anywhere.  It was really sad.

The good news is that I am mentally out of that place - I am now able to conceive of and institute plans, goals, and purpose in my life and for a while now I've been on a journey of self-discovery to figure out what that means for me.

Most recently in my journey, I came across an apparent stumbling block - the same damn block that has been there my whole adult life when it came down to deciding on a purpose/career: I don't know what I'm meant to do because I'm passionate about many things!

If my only true passion were writing, that would be easy.  But that isn't the case.  And I struggle with trying to figure out what path to follow.  What if I choose the wrong thing and waste too much time before I figure that out?  And I know I wouldn't be satisfied with any one thing (yes, I'm difficult).  I've been all over the place as far as my pursuits in life go and though I need a direction, I don't wish to ignore my passions as purposes in exchange for just one.

Obviously I've thought of choosing one and doing the other things as side projects.  But that hasn't seemed to fit either: the reason I'm so passionate about the things I'm passionate about is because they are all vehicles to the same end, and that end is my purpose.

I've always believed anything is possible and so I haven't given up on figuring this out.  I need to figure this out.  And then last night I learned a few new words:

Multipotentialism

A term defined in 1972 by R.H. Frederickson for people who, “when provided with appropriate environments, can select and develop a number of competencies to a high level.”

(from puttylike.com)

A multipotentialite is a person who has many different interests and creative pursuits in life.

Multipotentialites have no “one true calling” the way specialists do. Being a multipotentialite is our destiny. We have many paths and we pursue all of them, either sequentially or simultaneously (or both).

Multipotentialites thrive on learning, exploring, and mastering new skills. We are excellent at bringing disparate ideas together in creative ways. This makes us incredible innovators and problem solvers.

When it comes to new interests that emerge, our insatiable curiosity leads us to absorb everything we can get our hands on. As a result, we pick up new skills fast and tend to be a wealth of information.

Polymath/Renaissance Person.

A polymath (Greek: πολυμαθής, polymathēs, "having learned much") is a person whose expertise spans a significant number of different subject areas. In less formal terms, a polymath (or polymathic person) may simply be someone who is very knowledgeable. Most ancient scientists were polymaths by today's standards.


So I'm not alone.  *phew*  So now what?

Well now I feel less stressed out about it, for one thing.  This is not a bad thing!  I've never been comfortable in any box and I don't see how I could ever be happy trying.  And why bother if that's not what I'm meant to do?

So what I need to do is figure out how to take my passions and turn them into a career - into something fulfilling, something that aides people in some way, and something that allows me to be financially independent.  This is now the journey I'm on.  I now feel I have permission not to be pigeonholed into one specific expertise.  I just need to figure out what it will look like.

I had an awesome brainstorming session with Brian today - we listed the main things I'm passionate about doing.  One thing is for certain, there is a very strong theme that runs throughout all of those things and that is healing... in all aspects.  Health and well-being is what I want both for myself and for others.  This seems to be the epitome of what I need to offer the world in whatever ways I can.

Brian and I came up with a pretty good idea that I am definitely going to develop though I can't be positive yet if that is the exact direction I'm going.  It is very promising though.  One sure way I can tell it is right is that it immediately brought up a lot of fears as well as a feeling of a huge weight lifting off my shoulders.  We shall see.

But there are some things I have to do before I can get where I want to be - getting over my social anxiety is the most important one and the balls are already rolling on that.  That's a huge one.  Huge fears and huge discomfort.  That will be an interesting journey.  But I'm eager to get on with it so I can start doing more with my life.

My next step, aside from the above and doing more research on my possibilities, is formulating plans for my various goals - something I've learned is essential to do if you want to accomplish ANYTHING lol.

I have a lot of work ahead of me - I couldn't be more excited or terrified!


<3 M

Empty - ing

No idea where to start.  After fifteen years of not going to the dentist, I finally went yesterday and had two wisdom teeth extracted and some cavities filled.  The most dental work I'd ever had done previously was cleanings and one very tiny filling.

Brian brought me there and they gave me a magical liquid, along with some pills, tucked me in under a blanket on the chair, blindfolded me, and before I knew it there were people doing stuff in my mouth.  Yes I know that sounds dirty lol.  I was asleep for most of it.  The only painful parts were the needles in the gums, those were horrible, but didn't last very long so no big deal.

About two hours later, Brian was there and he took me back to his place and took care of me while I slept off the drugs.  I just need to make an appointment for a cleaning and I'm good - just gotta remember to floss I guess.

I do not feel less wise without my wisdom teeth, in fact, I feel even wiser ;-)

Last weekend I went to my niece, Amelie's dance recital.  She is three and adorable.  I've very proud to say she is the best dancer in her class and she absolutely loves the stage because after every group performance she yelled out "my turn!" lol.  And during intermission she ran up and gave a little show... and down the alley... and outside afterward... I love it.  I'm trying to find a video on the internets but having no luck.

This past Wednesday I had a pap.  Over a year ago they found abnormal cells during a pap so naturally they decided to keep an eye on things.  Well this time my gynecologist planned on doing a biopsy if any were found.  It's always a fun ordeal getting a pap, ya see, because it hurts like a sun of a bitch!  When I first started getting them it was not so bad - very uncomfortable but not enough to make me complain.  They were smart - they looked at me, saw they needed the SMALLER speculum, and proceeded with things as such.  For some reason that changed and it's like they're trying to stab my vagina.  I usually leave the office feeling sore, uncomfortable, and kind of abused to tell you the truth.  And this time was a gem.  He could not FIND my cervix.  He searched for like ten minutes with various instruments trying to find it.  "It should be there" I told him nervously.  It made me scared cause why the hell couldn't he find it?  He's a gynecologist!

Then he found it, but apparently couldn't see enough of it.  So then he tells me he's going to PULL my cervix out a little bit and so it might sting a bit O_O  What?  "Shouldn't it... stay where it's supposed to be?"  I said, terrified now.  The best part is that he doesn't even respond to my concerns, he just proceeds.  Thank gods for the nurse, she held my hand, she always tries to distract me from what he's doing and she tries to read my reactions for pain and then asks what kind of pain i'm feeling etc.  I think I will send her a card, actually, cause she's the only thing they have their that works, it seems.

And yes, it stung!  And I didn't even ask if he put it back lol :-s  After all that crap he tells me my cells are normal. *faints*

This past Saturday I attended  Amelie's baptism as her Godmother :-D  Brian and Drew came along, and Tiffani of course. While I'm not a believer in the religion, I do love Amelie and was happy to be part of it.  In fact, it was quite nice and she was of course adorable.  First thing she said as we entered the church - "Are we having cake?" :-p

She asked the priest what his white robes meant, she was really well-behaved and participated and I'm pretty sure she had some sort of spiritual experience if I didn't know any better. 

At one point, the priest asked that we all renew of baptismal vows.  No one there had ever been baptized aside from myself.  I found it really hard to repeat the words "I do" in answer to most of the questions being asked because I really really don't believe in those things, but I did what I could because it was for Amelie. The priest dropped his glasses in the bowl of water... that's how it ended hehe.

Then we went back to my mum's place for a while - she wasn't able to make it to the church because it was raining and her wheelchair would have gotten fucked up.

On Sunday, me, Brian, and Drew went to Gage Park.  It was a gorgeous day!  Brian and I sat under a shady tree on a blanket and ate some lunch, while Drew went back and forth between the water park and the playground.  Then around 3:30pm we all went over to where W.A.P. (whip and poi) was starting and spent the rest of the afternoon and good part of the evening with old and new friends. 

Drew played with the son of one of our friends while we lazed around.  I got to try out poi for the first time ever (finally) and I ended up enjoying it a lot more than I thought I would.  I seemed to pick it up quickly enough, I just have some major coordination issues to contend with.  It was really cool though.  I bough the stuff to make a pair but Brian lost it or something stupid but hopefully for next time.

What's interesting about this weekend, to me, is that Brian and I have been together for a year and a half (on Friday) and we've never had a picture taken of us - not accidentally and not on purpose.  It makes sense to me and it's sad but for some reason, this weekend we had two different people take our picture: my mum on Saturday (I hated the photo cause I'm a self-photo nazi) and then Dale on Sunday (which actually produced at the very least one good photo that I will share when I get).  We've had major ups and downs during our time together, things have been shaky, I won't lie (anymore), but I took the photo thing as an omen.  I hope so anyway.

Anyway, W.A.P. was good cause I really needed the social time and hopefully tomorrow will be good as well at the Hump Day munch.  I have a writer's meeting tonight but I feel like fainting so I'm gonna skip it.

What else can I tell you...

I've recently made some big discoveries about my future, about what I want to do with it, mainly.  And when I figured this out, it was great and I was very excited, and then it started to sink in: I can't do this because I am too afraid to talk to people, I'm too awkward and shy, too timid and anxious, too insecure because of it and there is no way you can be that way in the profession I want to go in.  So this was depressing.

Then I realized two other things:  a) I can't do ANYTHING worth doing if I'm this way and b) I'm not fucking shy people, I have social anxiety and THERE IS HELP.

I always thought it was just severe shyness.  I didn't even think it was that big of a deal but it just kept getting worse and worse and I didn't even see what it was doing to my life.  I kinda feel dumb for not even realizing and I think that's because I can and do socialize, but not without going through cycles of insecurity, anxiety, fear of not being liked,  etc etc and then when I AM putting myself out there for fear of being alone forever, I am so anxious that I stumble over my words, feel stupid and think no one actually likes me, they're just being nice. etc etc. etc.  It's ridiculous.  I just didn't put two and two together.  And now it's gone on so long that I don't know how to make much sense of it. 

I've been trying to use skills I learned in DBT lately, such as observing how I feel around people and taking notice of the thoughts I'm having and not giving into urges such as asking people if they like me (yes it's that bad). 

The fact that I realized I could have a future that isn't just confined to my little apartment studio (though that's good too) is what made me understand one of the major blockages preventing me from moving on with life, what is keeping me held back.  Now that I know what's what, I've already started taking steps toward healing.  I got a referral to a program, I'm going to be getting another referral to another program, and other than that I can look into support groups, good books, and practicing what skills I do have.

Unfortunately there's a very long waiting list but that is much better than nothing.  I admit it makes me sad and frustrated that I have to wait to get going with things but I have to remember there was nothing I could do about it if I didn't even know it was there.

I find it amazing how much we can miss about ourselves because we're right in the middle of it.  If only we could step outside ourselves once in while for analysis!

To be continued...


<3 M

Happy Birthday

 Today's entry is brought to you by the number thirty.

Yesterday was my thirtieth birthday.  I was woken up by Brian and Drew singing 'happy birthday,' bringing me the breakfast in bed they made me.  I've never had anyone give me breakfast in bed before - I felt very special and very loved.

He even made the eggs inside slices of bell pepper from something we found on Pinterest (thanks, Sunny, for getting us (me) addicted to that site :-p ).

Of course it takes me some time to get out of dreamland and become coherent so they were disappointed when I requested we do presents after I was done drinking my tea... you'd think I committed a crime or something lol.

They got me a pretty smelling candle with chocolates and candies, and an adjustable stand thingy to make it easier for me to read in bed since even holding up a book can be too hard sometimes.

I luff them so much.

That night, Jodie and Mike came over and we all went to a party where I got birthday beats.  They got me presents too!  A massage bar that made Jodie squirmy cause it was for "erotic" purposes; a bath bomb intended to unleash my desires, which also made her squirmy; a cool book mark, and special incense.  I don't know if I ever mentioned it, but Jodie gets squirmy when it comes to anything of the erotic nature - it's quite funny and cute.

I got tons of birthday wishes too, on my facebook, which made me very happy cause I loves my attention.

I've always loved my own birthday and have always reminded people of its coming well in advance.  I count down, I talk about it, and when it comes, I get giddy like a child and eat up all the attention.   But this year felt a little different: for one thing, my health has been crappy lately so I wasn't announcing my birthday from the rooftops like usual.  I was planning on planning something special for this year's birthday because I think thirty is a significant milestone of life - especially for me for many reasons, but again, the health took priority.  And I didn't seem to have the same excitement that I usually have on my birthday.  In fact most of the day/night didn't feel like my birthday, I kept reminding myself it was.

I don't know if this is because I wasn't well leading up to it so didn't do my usual stuff or make plans or because I'm *gulp* just getting old, or both, or neither.  I hope it's not the 'old' thing, we shall see I guess.

Anyway, I've been living in survival mode for a long, long time.  My thirties are going to be when I 'start' my life, and I'm excited about that.  I have goals for myself, and goals with Brian, and I'm looking forward to all of it :-)

I spent another long period not writing in my blog, which I hate, but it happens.  I wish I could be as regular as Sunny is with blogging.  I don't really know why I can't - I have a bit of a consistency problem perhaps.

Brian and Drew should be back anytime now from the children's museum so I'm gonna go get dressed.

Lots and lots of love,

M

The World Is Upspydown

 I was nervous about my gyno appointment today because they're gonna stick a microscope inside me and see what's goin' on in there.  Turns out my appointment isn't till the 16th and that today's appointment was just a regular doctor's appointment.  So I went. And the receptionist informed me that my appointment is in fact tomorrow, not today O_O

I am fighting to stay out of bed.  I can't explain how hard it is.  And I don't have the mental or physical energy to do anything much while I am awake.

Now that the complaining portion of our program is complete...

I went to my friend Mel's handfasting this past Saturday.  It was a small, private ceremony.  It made me want to get married! :-p  The ceremony was performed by a man who is also the head Santa Claus of Hamilton, as I'm told.  I was also in his coven for a while.  I'd love to tell people that Santa Claus performed my wedding lol.

In all seriousness though, it was quite beautiful.  Here's a photo of the altar, taken by one of the guests:

Pretty!  It was awesomeness.  Congratulations Mike and Mel <3

In other news, I have a simple goal - Create a nice space here:

It's been sitting there like that for about two months or so now.  It's not that it's a difficult task, it's just that I haven't done it yet, don't know why, just haven't.  And I don't know when it will get done if I don't actually PLAN to do it.  So that's what I'm going to do.

According to the SMART Goal model, I have to be Specific and know exactly what it is I'm trying to achieve (what will it look like when I'm done), it has to be Measurable so I can track my progress (how will I know I am getting it done?), it has to be something Attainable that I can actually achieve (do I have the time, energy, and resources to get this done?), it has to be Relevant (do I even care if this is done?), and it has to be planned with a Time-frame in mind (what days will I work on this and for what amount of time? when will this be finished?).

Specific

I want to organize the space to create a place where I can sit and relax, read, meditate, etc.  I want it to be clutter-free and peaceful.  I want to put things up on the wall.

Measurable

When I am satisfied that I have done a decent job, when the space makes me feel the way I want to feel in it, I will know I have achieved the goal.

Attainable

Though I would prefer to paint the wall, get an area rug, and perhaps a different piece of furniture, I don't have the resources to do those things in the next few months.  But I still want to do something with the space rather than have it sit there looking cluttered and being useless, so I am using what I already have to do the best I can with it.  I believe a two month deadline for this job is more than reasonable.

Relevant

This goal is very relevant. I want a nice home and this space not being done is keeping that from happening.

Time-frame

I will spend a minimum of 15 minutes every weekday working on this.  I can spend more time if I want to, but 15 minutes is all that is required of me.  This goal will be completed on or before December 31st, 2011.

If I knew I really wanted to do this but was really lacking in motivation, I might list the pros and cons of achieving the goal.

I know it seems silly to be this detailed for such a seemingly small endeavor, but I really need to practice this stuff.  And like I said, this project is not gonna go anywhere if I don't turn the "gonna do" into "gonna do at this time and date."

I'll let you know how it goes.


<3 M

I Am S.A.D. N' Stuff

I don't want to sleep all day.  I have delayed sleep phase disorder and S.A.D. - a combination that sorta leaves me fighting a losing battle regarding actually have a choice in the matter as to when I do or do not sleep.

I have a sun lamp, which is supposed to (and does) help with both the sleep disorder and the S.A.D. because they both have much to do with the circadian rhythm.  Well I believe the lamp is helping me with my mood but not with my sleep cycle.  But that's my fault.  If you don't use the lamp around the time you want your body to wake up (say, mid morning) than you won't.  Because I've been sleeping all day and using the lamp at like two or three in the afternoon, I'm not getting any change.

So I need to somehow get my ass out of bed earlier.  It's so hard to do that when all you wanna do is sleep cause you're so tired and your natural instinct is to hibernate during the dark half of the year (I am the bear and the owl ya know) and you have no solid reason to actually get up anyway because you have no real obligations, plans, or responsibilities.

I'd argue that I have responsibility to myself but if that case held any weight I'd be a much healthier person right now.

I'm sure it will all work out, it always does in some way.

I think I really need to start making plans and following them - I know I would feel much less scattered, unorganized, and directionless.  I stopped caring years ago about having goals.  When I was younger, I had so many goals and dreams.  After a while of being depressed and emotionally fucked up, I stopped having goals other than "get better" and since I never got better (for a long time that is), my goals didn't change.

Since I've been improving tremendously and the longing to have real goals again has come back, I found myself lost, not knowing what the hell I even wanted. As if I had forgotten how to even have goals.  It saddened me to realize how far away I had gotten from myself to not even know what I wanted.

Luckily(? hehe), I have a boyfriend who needed help figuring out how to make and implement/achieve goals.  Exasperated (for some reason), I set out to teach him, frustrated because of how easy it was to do so (and why didn't he know how?).  Isn't the ego a funny thing?  Here I am, struggling with the exact same issue (way to be aware of yourself, right?) and acting like some kind of expert on the subject.
 
But I did it.  I taught him how to do it.  And it was effective.  And as I taught, I realized this was exactly what I needed to be doing for myself.  I can be a very wise person but I really suck at the actual doing and sticking to part of things.

So I did sit down and make some goals for myself, in all areas of life.  And I even created a neat little binder with dividers to categorize the goals and keep track of them etc.  I put a lot of work into making this little binder, my GOALS & PLANS binder, to make it all organized and pretty and stuff. 

And that's where I stopped.

I made this binder at least two months ago.  I have not even looked at it since.  I have not looked at any of the goals I made.  I'm not exactly sure why I do this sort of thing.  I know part of it is fear of failure.  Another part is how scattered I have felt for so long that I never know what I should be doing at any given moment since there is so much I need and want to do and no actual schedule or priority and anything.  Did I mention I am good at excuses too?  ;-)  Basically, I overwhelm easily and I am good at overwhelming myself on an almost daily basis.

So what should I do?  Open that damn binder! 


<3 M