Fridge Shame

Here is a photo of the inside of my fridge taken moments ago without touching anything.  You can tell I'm not lying by how filthy it is in there.  Sunny's last blog post is what prompted this little sharing experience and I'm thinking it would be nice if someone else out there who is reading this might like to do the same on their blog... and so on.

I don't think anyone could possibly have a dirtier fridge than I do, seriously o_O


<3 M

End Of An Era

Back in the spring of 2009, a project called 'Vulva' was started by a couple of ladies who met on Suzi Blu's Mixed Media Art ning community: 'Vulva' was to be an online magazine run equally by all of us but right before it went public things went awry and 'Vulva' was never born.

Some of us still had an itch to continue with the project and after a lot of deliberation, Ms. Sunny Crittenden recruited the best of the best to get started with what became the online magazine 'Buttercup.'  I don't know how it happened, but it was as if this new group of people were a perfect fit to work together and I think that is the main reason why being part of 'Buttercup' was more fun than anything else.

After Sunny worked her ass off, the zine was launched in September of 2009 on Ning and was like no other publication out there: articles were published by all of us throughout each month and conversation was encouraged.  We had a forum and a ton of groups on almost any topic you could think of.  We even held chats a couple times for our humble, awesome little community.  Our focus was on diversity, creativity, and female topics, but ultimately I think it was about people getting together making each other think and having a hell of a lot of fun while doing it.

Buttercup published 8 issues, its last was April 2010 when we had to make the very hard decision to put the magazine to bed, mainly due to a bunch of new shit Ning pulled, including the fact that communities were no longer to be free.  We had a good run of it, did a lot of sharing and making friends, and I know I speak for all of us when I say I'm proud of what we accomplished and am glad I got to work with eight very awesome, very crazy individuals.

So this post is basically a goodbye to 'Buttercup' - it was awesome.  Thanks to everyone who read our articles, participated in our community, and supported us along the way.

Thanks to Sunny, Blake, Lexi, Jade, Jax, Katie, Anastacia, and Annie - I'll miss our Wednesday night meetings, no where else will I ever find conversation so full of shit (literally), boobs, menstrual blood, and penises.  I wish you all the best of luck in your future projects - I know they will be great.

*cue the sad music*

Love M.

Thinking Way Too Hard About A Title

Ugh, I feel like the bear being forced to wake up because spring is approaching and it's time to gtfo of the cave now.  Well it's not a comfortable transition: I'm cold and tired and sore and I need a couple cups of coffee first, k?  My sleep has been screwy for the last week or so.  I tried to stay up today but had the wise idea of laying down and watching a documentary where a bunch of people perform Leonard Cohen songs, with him speaking randomly in between in that beautiful voice of his... that's all the lullaby I need.  I woke and decided to practice the guitar more but got flustered cause I couldn't find any good videos to help teach me.  I just wanted to learn the damn 'B' chord... that shouldn't be so hard, should it?

I was looking at my long neglected YouTube channel because I wanted to change my username since 'Lilith Kills' doesn't really reference much, I just think it's a cool name.  Apparently you have to make a whole new account to do that so I don't think I'm going to.  I have two videos on there and I'm thinking about making another one soon just for fun.  No idea what I'd do on it but I'll figure it out.  One of my videos is a sort of book trailer I made a long time ago to help promote my book and I thought since I could really use the money right now and I still have copies, that I'd share my cheesy video here and see if anyone out there wants to read some really good fucking poetry.  So, without further ado...



Thank you, thank you :op

In other news, I ran into a friend from high school last week at This Ain't Hollywood, who now lives in the city so that is awesome - I need more females in my life, especially ones who aren't dipsticks.   Speaking of TAH, all three bands were fucking good and I didn't realize Hamilton was harbouring such kick ass female rockers.  I am pleased.  I am also pleased (while we're on the subject of music) to announce that The Creepshow are playing The Casbah on the 31st and tickets are only $10 and I am very excited!  We (Buttercup) interviewed them back in October '09 and I loved them as soon as I heard them.  Hellz yeah.

I finished (for the most part) a piece that was inspired by Picasso in a way that I'm sure no one could possibly guess lol.  I really like it but I don't like it so much digitally - it lost a lot of awesomeness through the scanning process, but I'll show you anyway:



I'm going to a life-drawing class next month - I've never been to one but the price is very cheap and I want to take advantage of the experience.  I think it's going to be an ongoing thing so maybe I'll actually get good, ya never know!  It should be fun, anyway.

I know I'm all over the place in this entry but I want to speak briefly about publishing: am I the only one confused these days about what having your book published means?  Here is what I have always thought:  To publish your book, a publisher buys your manuscript and pays you royalties.  To self-publish your book, you design and print it (or hire someone to do that) and you make all the profit from sales (unless you've hired someone to market it or something).  And vanity publishing is paying some company (usually way too much money) to do everything for you, usually relinquishing most of the creative and financial control.  Have these definitions changed in the last few years?  I realize reading the wikipedia definitions clarify, but in reality, I've come across many people who don't seem to realize the difference.  I dunno, I guess it's just a stupid pet peeve and I wish the lines were more distinguishable/explainable.  Sigh.  It just reminds me of the damn poetry.com bullshit all over again.

Anyway, St. Patrick's Day tomorrow... not really a special day but I'm going to go out anyway and have a green beer because I've never actually had one before.  I know, it's just beer w/food colouring, but still, it's green.

Okay, get lost now!



Love M

It's All Over, Baby Blue

Does this make sense?  I'm antisocial yet lonely all at the same time - it's an oxymoron, I don't understand.  Which brings me to my new year's eve: I assumed I would be spending the night right here with George and the other lonely internet people but was asked by Jodie to hang out.  I deliberated and though I felt that staying here and not "doing anything" would be my best option since I can often feel my sadness/loneliness more acutely when I'm around others (depending on the situations and people) but I decided to fight the urge to avoid.  As much as it can be extremely difficult for someone to get up and go somewhere/do something social when they're feeling down, it usually ends up being a good idea.  So this is why I was "smart" and decided to just go for it.

This turned out to be one of those times where staying in alone would have been the better plan - how was I supposed to know?  So that was annoying.  Although who knows, perhaps I would have gotten myself all sad if I'd stayed in.  The thing is, I've become really good at distracting myself from dwelling on unpleasant emotions, which is why I either wanted to stay home alone, or go somewhere where there were a lot of people and mayhem for a different kind of distraction, or of course, have someone come over and sweep me off my feet so to speak (yes I like to fantasize).

So that was that.  I got through it.  And I quite literally slept straight through January 1st - just woke up around 10pm.

Just in case you're wondering, the reason I'm all melodramatic about the holidays/new year's eve is because it is a time to spend with your loved ones.  Not only do I not have many people in my life, but those I care about most are not with me, but with others.  Therefore the loneliness is exaggerated and who the hell wants that?  But it's done now - let's move on, shall we?

I don't really do new year's resolutions because if I'm going to make a resolution, I don't need to wait until the beginning of the year - that's what Mondays are for ;o)  Obviously I need to work on relationships and lack there of and of course my health, which fucking sucks and drives me crazy and I wish I could trade this body in for a fresh healthy one damnit.  Not that I hate my body, but that I hate how malfunctioned it is.  As for hating my body, I'm pretty sure I've got BDD but I'm hoping some stuff I'm doing is gonna help that.  The brain is a crazy/powerful mother fucker.

Anyway, there's always stuff to work on - that's what we do in life, we grow and then we die and hopefully we enjoy the process.

In other news, I just found out that I have been wearing the wrong bra size for almost a decade, which explains a lot - wtf.  So I'm actually a DD or E cup, NOT a D cup.  Damnit.  Time to get some new bras.  Time to get all new clothes actually, since my lovely cat George thinks it hilarious to cover all my clothing in his white fur so that I can never get a date and become an old, lonely cat lady.  I swear to god he has some magical fur that makes it impossible to remove!  He's lucky I love him.

Enough rambling for now, I'll be back when I have something good to say.


Love M.

P.S. The new issue of Buttercup is here - join, read, socialize, and love it.  New articles added daily.

Hey Obama! This Is The Real Pandemic

Well I just posted about this on Buttercup, but it pissed me off too much not to blog about.

• In a study of 4th-grade girls, 90% were on some type of diet.

This is what I know: 4th grade girls are about nine years old; they are generally prepubescent; they have A CRAP TON of growing left to do (women don't stop growing till late in their teens), and in order to properly develop, you need proper nutrition.

Just touching on the physical part of this, diets are about rules and restriction, usually excluding one kind of food or another or trying to eat a lower number of calories and/or fat. What do you think this would do to a child's growth? Kids need all kinds of food and plenty of it - they need their carbs, their fats, their proteins, their vitamins and minerals and yes, even their ice cream cones. Their bodies need it, so I am afraid to even ponder the repercussions of this sad statistic.
If you think I'm nuts and it's perfectly fine for a child to diet, then check this stat:

• In 1992, the National Institutes of Health held investigatory hearings and concluded that diets do not work and may even be dangerous to one's health.

Now let's move onto the psychological implications. These girls are dieting for a reason, the reason could be that their parents put her on this diet, or maybe she's just copying what her mother does (as kids tend to do), maybe she feels fat, ugly, not up to par with whatever ideal nine year old girls look up to today (I shudder to think). Whatever the case, some of these children are not happy with their bodies and some will end up being unhappy with their bodies if they stay on this track. I don't know about you, but when I was a wee girl I didn't really think about my body in any terms besides 'this is my body and it does stuff.' I never looked at it, or parts of it, and felt a need to change it. For most healthy children, I think that's the case - we have no reason to start comparing shapes and sizes as long as we can run and jump and skip and enjoy being nine.

These poor girls don't stand a chance. I'm sorry, but how healthy can a child's self-esteem be if they are dieting? It's a hard, long road ahead for a girl who has the misfortune of being uncomfortable in her own skin before she's even had a chance to fill it out.

What this says about our society is literally deafening because people sure aren't hearing a damn thing. Kids should be busy being kids and not worrying about diets. Considering how mentally trying the diet game is (and if you've been there you know what I'm talking about), imagine what it does to a nine year old girl.

Alright, so who's going to fork up the money to pay for all the therapy these children will need when they get older?

1.2% of people in America with H1N1 have died.

18-20% (roughly) of people with eating disorders die. Where's the state of emergency for this pandemic? Srsly.


Love M