Painting Progress Pt.1

<3 M

 

Blank Canvas

Must. Make. Art.


Oh - it's on.


<3 M

Be Kind To Yourself

(flowers I  bought myself)

<3 M

Hoppy Bunny Day!

Look what the Easter Bunny hid for me!

I will eat your nose.

Derp.

 

C'est fini

<3 M

The World Is Upspydown

 I was nervous about my gyno appointment today because they're gonna stick a microscope inside me and see what's goin' on in there.  Turns out my appointment isn't till the 16th and that today's appointment was just a regular doctor's appointment.  So I went. And the receptionist informed me that my appointment is in fact tomorrow, not today O_O

I am fighting to stay out of bed.  I can't explain how hard it is.  And I don't have the mental or physical energy to do anything much while I am awake.

Now that the complaining portion of our program is complete...

I went to my friend Mel's handfasting this past Saturday.  It was a small, private ceremony.  It made me want to get married! :-p  The ceremony was performed by a man who is also the head Santa Claus of Hamilton, as I'm told.  I was also in his coven for a while.  I'd love to tell people that Santa Claus performed my wedding lol.

In all seriousness though, it was quite beautiful.  Here's a photo of the altar, taken by one of the guests:

Pretty!  It was awesomeness.  Congratulations Mike and Mel <3

In other news, I have a simple goal - Create a nice space here:

It's been sitting there like that for about two months or so now.  It's not that it's a difficult task, it's just that I haven't done it yet, don't know why, just haven't.  And I don't know when it will get done if I don't actually PLAN to do it.  So that's what I'm going to do.

According to the SMART Goal model, I have to be Specific and know exactly what it is I'm trying to achieve (what will it look like when I'm done), it has to be Measurable so I can track my progress (how will I know I am getting it done?), it has to be something Attainable that I can actually achieve (do I have the time, energy, and resources to get this done?), it has to be Relevant (do I even care if this is done?), and it has to be planned with a Time-frame in mind (what days will I work on this and for what amount of time? when will this be finished?).

Specific

I want to organize the space to create a place where I can sit and relax, read, meditate, etc.  I want it to be clutter-free and peaceful.  I want to put things up on the wall.

Measurable

When I am satisfied that I have done a decent job, when the space makes me feel the way I want to feel in it, I will know I have achieved the goal.

Attainable

Though I would prefer to paint the wall, get an area rug, and perhaps a different piece of furniture, I don't have the resources to do those things in the next few months.  But I still want to do something with the space rather than have it sit there looking cluttered and being useless, so I am using what I already have to do the best I can with it.  I believe a two month deadline for this job is more than reasonable.

Relevant

This goal is very relevant. I want a nice home and this space not being done is keeping that from happening.

Time-frame

I will spend a minimum of 15 minutes every weekday working on this.  I can spend more time if I want to, but 15 minutes is all that is required of me.  This goal will be completed on or before December 31st, 2011.

If I knew I really wanted to do this but was really lacking in motivation, I might list the pros and cons of achieving the goal.

I know it seems silly to be this detailed for such a seemingly small endeavor, but I really need to practice this stuff.  And like I said, this project is not gonna go anywhere if I don't turn the "gonna do" into "gonna do at this time and date."

I'll let you know how it goes.


<3 M

Fridge Shame

Here is a photo of the inside of my fridge taken moments ago without touching anything.  You can tell I'm not lying by how filthy it is in there.  Sunny's last blog post is what prompted this little sharing experience and I'm thinking it would be nice if someone else out there who is reading this might like to do the same on their blog... and so on.

I don't think anyone could possibly have a dirtier fridge than I do, seriously o_O


<3 M

How I See Myself

I abhor the way I look in photos.  I don't mind photos of myself where I see some semblance of how I appear to myself in the mirror... it's when I have no control of the photo... when someone takes my photo and I see it.... it freaks me out in a severely unhealthy way.  Yes, I know this is delusional... the person I see in the mirror is a perception of myself - the photos I like of myself are similar to what I see in the mirror... the photos I hate are probably the ones that actually look like me.  Yet, when I see these photos, I am quite literally horrified and sickened.  I can't even see beauty in them, I see something disgusting, a blog that takes up entirely too much space.  It's kind of like seeing a horribly disfigured monster... no semblance of me in there, at least not the me I know.

Yet, people (so they claim) find me attractive, beautiful even.  I don't get it.  This is not a pity party, this is me trying to dissect this whole thing and figure out why I have such as drastically different vision of myself on both ends of the spectrum.  What I see in the mirror seems to be a more positive projection of who I am, while photos of me seem to be a more negative projection - I have reason to beleive that how I'm seeing myself in these photos is an extreme magnification of what I perceive are my flaws.  I'm not saying that the photos don't look true to life, I'm just saying that judging by the intensity of my reaction to seeing them, it would make sense that my brain is playing some tricks on me.

Honestly, I don't think I ever see myself the way others see me in the flesh, and I don't think I ever have.  Back when I was thin, I thought I looked/was fat; now that I'm fat, I have no idea how I look because how I see myself in the mirror changes all the time... even as often as hourly.

I just don't get it.  Seeing a photo of myself shouldn't bring me to tears - that's some serious issues. 

So what is the answer? Is there even a answer?  How the hell can it be so confusing?  I pretty much look the same all the time (like most people) so why can't I just SEE myself in the same way?  So fucking depressing.


<3 M

Boxing Day

This is the reason Christmas wasn't a complete bust:



Also, cause Don came over for a bit and I got to give him his present.  And there was wine and Ativan and chocolate.  And I got a pink and black playboy bunny blanket from my younger brother (the father of the cute baby girl); slippers, and herbal tea.  My mum got me modeling clay, scratch tickets, and Chapters gift certificates :o)  Tim gave me some canvas and a really fancy shmancy pen that you use to write with or to do fine details with in your art.

So yeah, Christmas is over, thank the gods, and we're almost done new year's as well.  Until then, not much going on around here, kinda bored actually.  I'll probably sit in front of my puter with a bottle of wine for new year's eve - we shall see.  I'll have my own little LOFNOTC party.

I spent most of boxing day sleeping and internet window shopping for sales - ended up finally upgrading my toy collection.  I was going to go for books since I got the gift cards, but there were no good sales.  I watched two movies I've never seen before: '8 Mile' and 'Just Friends' - interesting combo.  '8 Mile' had a lot of good stuff in it, but also some crappy stuff.  But now I can finally compare the movie with 'Clueless' - another big movie that Brittany Murphy played in.  My verdict is that 'Clueless' was the better movie, had a bigger cultural impact, and that Brittany's performance in this film trumped her performance in '8 Mile.'  On a side note, the sex scene in the factory was really hot.

The other movie, 'Just Friends' was kinda... cute I guess?  I expected more from it for some reason but I'd say it was probably more corny than the average corny chick movie.  But I definitely related to Ryan Renold's character as the geek who is ever in the 'friend zone' - always the friend never the girlfriend.  I've also been known to play the part of the friend with benefits... just never the girlfriend.

I need to think of more good movies to watch.

Oh, P.S. I WANT THIS! (NSFW)



Love M

Pitter Patter

This always happens: I go too long without updating my blog and I've forgotten most of the interesting stuff that has happened to me.  Oh well, tis life. So NaNoWriMo - I won that.  Yes, I wrote over fifty thousand words in thirty days, who knew?  I will definitely be doing it again next year, but this time I will have an outline.  For some reason, my muse decided to write a story that had just one character - one!  Needless to say, it became somewhat difficult around the third week to come up with more to write.  I eventually had no choice but to throw in another character and that saved me.  Week one and two went smoothly, I got behind in week three, and in week four people would not leave me the fuck alone and so I ended up having to write my last twenty thousand words in a fourty eight hour period.  It turns out my story could actually be good if I attempted a second draft.  I'm gonna let it sit for a while though.

The holidays are here again and I've already resigned myself to the fact that it's gonna suck the same as it always does and the only way I'm going to get through with my sanity intact is to let nothing bother me.  If I let stuff bother me, I'm doomed and you will have to hear me boo-hooing from now till new years about my psycho family, what little of them there are, how it sucks to be alone during the holidays, especially when you know a certain someone is spending the time with someone else and to put more salt in the wounds, there's new year's eve - I will likely be sitting here in front of my computer as usual. I don't think it's horrible to spend new years alone, but it feels pretty lonely and feeling lonely sucks.  I think I said I wasn't going to throw a self pity party but it seems I just did :op  Sorry kids.

I never say this but I'm going to now - it would be nice to have someone damnit.  Preferably a man ;o)

Okay enough of that nonsense. 

I am no longer a member of Think Haus - the hackerspace that a bunch of us started back in April.  Yeah, I can't get there transportation wise, and I'm not paying a membership fee for something I can't be a part of.  I won't get into the other reasons, politics and whatnot, but as of now, I'm not as busy on Tuesday nights anymore (except for the writer's meeting nights).  It's kind of nice having one less thing on my agenda - I hate juggling too many things, there's a reason I can't work a regular job ya know.

Don came over tonight and we saw something that made him laugh hysterically for a good ten minutes:



This is Paul Martin being very excited... the photoshop possibilities are vast.  W looks pretty pleased about something himself, who knows what.

I can't think of too much else to write about at the moment.  I got a webcam and I've been having a lot of fun with that, though I have yet to talk to anyone with it, webcam chat or whatever you call it, not sure if I will either but that could be fun I guess.  Make my own porn maybe? Nah, I'm not very photogenic.



Mwa!

Too much to say and not enough.  I will be back.


Love M.

Mostly MiniSoOnCon

I's sick. Yes, sick. As tough as my immune system is, stress is a killer.

I think I'm sposed to be sick though, as odd as it sounds, I needed a break from responsibility. It doesn't take much for me to get overwhelmed as it is, and lately my life has been becoming busier and busier.

So my body is now forcing me to rest and I'm resting to the best of my ability! Unfortunately I missed the Supercrawl because of this, which sucks much ass, but it was out of my hands and I'll just have to go to the regular art crawl next month.

Where was I? I can't write when the music is blaring and I have been having to play music as of late to drown out certain other noises (no no I'm not hearing voices in my head lol). I won't go into detail except to say it sucks and I'm too tired and sick right now to do anything else. Ugh.

Anyway! Some of the stuff I've been up to in the past month...

Last Friday was MiniSoOnCon at Think Haus! I wasn't going to go because I would have to go solo and I'm very shy and introverted and all that fun stuff. But I went anyway and was pleased to see that most of the other guests in attendance were just as shy and introverted as I am! I've never been to a hacker conference before so the sight of a room full of people sitting quietly, looking at their laps in complete silence was both hilarious and refreshing.

It did not remain that quiet all night though: once people started to get to know each other and of course get some alcohol into them, it was pretty good times! A lot of people showed up. People from Diyode (from Guelph), HackLab.TO (from Toronto), KwartzLab (from Kitchener), think|haus (from Hamilton,of course), FouLab (from Montreal), as well as other hackerspaces and someone even came out from Rochester! So yeah I met a lot of awesome people and we managed to get hackers from all over Canada to come out to our humble space.

We had a yummy bar-b-que, despite the bad weather, and a well stocked bar - I don't remember the bartender's name but she was awesome.

We had (what I now understand to be a hacker con tradition) really cool frikken badges. I mean, I saw these things being made at the space and didn't quite get it until the finished product was presented:



The picture doesn't really do it justice - but it's awesome and everyone in attendance wore one.

According to what I've been told, the tradition is to hack your badge and see who can do the coolest thing with theirs, which, I suppose, is why our lounge area was filled with drunk people soldering - mhmmm, unfortunately I don't have a photo of that madness.

See that little house there? That's the Think Haus logo. Don made that! He is awesoma powa.



Paul (TH) graced us with demonstrations of the long awaited http://www.emotiv.com/ - the thing reads your mind maaaan! No, srsly, you put it on your head and it detects your facial expressions, eyeball movement, emotions, thoughts, actions, and "can be used to control not only a virtual environment, but also a live environment through the help of micro-controllers and actuators."

I love this thing, the implications get me very excited!

The other cool thing going on was the arrival of the CUPCAKE Makerbot (3D printer). It wasn't assembled until the next day of the con, so since I didn't make it that day, I didn't see that, but here's a video cause I only vaguely understand why this is awesome:



That lovely gal is Leigh Honeywell from Hacklab T.O. and the fella behind the mic is Wayne MacPhail giving us awesome coverage.

Isn't our space da bomb? It's been being "fixed up" for four months and is now officially a workable hackerspace.

I wish I could have taken pictures myself but my camera is acting wonky.

Needless to say it was awesome (especially considering Think Haus is only four months old!) and I'm looking forward to it next year.

What I did find interesting was the very small percentage of females in attendance: Adina and I from TH, Leigh and Alex from T.O., the bartender gal, and maybe one or two others (I mean no offense it's just my memory sucks right now). Then a crap-load of mens. I love mens the best, but it begs the question, why? Where are the geeky gals? I know you're out there! Come over to the dark side, we have beer! (and cookies, and cupcakes!).

This little MiniSoOnCon attendee is on the right track!


zomg she's cute!

What else... Oh Tetro! haha

Hamilton just had a film festival called Festitalia International Film Festival. I know, it aint TIFF, deal. Riley and I went to see a film called Tetro, which turned out to be an okay movie. The best part of the night? Discovering that Jackson Square cinemas got brand new seats for the event! Yay! Clean theater seats! And they're slightly more comfy too, woot!

Anyway, that was fun, next year I wanna try to see more of the films. Hell, next year I might go to TIFF.

Before that, I went away to Parrysound to stay at someone's cottage for four days. I LOVE going there, it's so relaxing and peaceful surrounded by nature. Last year upon arrival, as soon as I stepped out of the van all my heartache and stress dissipated and I was at peace the whole time I was there. Of course it came back when I came home, but at least for that short time I was at peace.

I expected/hoped for the same this year, especially since my stress this year is quite a bit less than it was last year, but no such luck. I was at peace, but there was still things nagging at me in the back of my head. I'm pretty sure I know why now but all in all it was a good time. I swam in the lake and it was COLD! but very clean and refreshing. I paddled a rowboat all by myself *proud grin.* I made a smore (I love love bonfires) and did some meditating and crocheting. Yep.

There was also The Locke Street Festival followed by Pagan Harvest Festival: the former was too crowded and hot, the latter was pretty cool, very peaceful, lots of shady areas to chill.

I got a great tarot reading from Franco Minatel - he did a reading for me a few years ago but I didn't recognize him until he started reading my cards.

The day ended as the very bright sun was making its way below the horizon, with all joining a circle for a little closing ritual, which was quite nice.

Then I went home and got drunk with Tim lol.

That's it that's all I'm done.

Alright, bugger off then.




Love M

C'mon Boots!

these boots were made for walkin'
and that's just what they'll do -
one of these days these boots are gonna

walk
all
over
you.


-Love Marylin.

About Stuff And Things

I was just telling my friend earlier that blogging has pretty much become one of my coping tools. That's a pretty cool thing: before blogs/online journals/forums/what-have-you existed, this level of sharing didn't exist to us. There was no way (as far as I know) to write a journal entry and let the world read it (or at least the few wonderful people who subscribe to me).

Some people think that doing so is stupid. Whatever floats your boat, but I've found blogging to be not only cathartic, but probably the most effective tool I have to get through a time of distress.

Anyway, so many blog these days, there must be something to it...

So! I got Akoha in the mail!!!



(Yes that is my address, and yes I do want you to send me mail... friendly mail, that is!)

Anyway, I'm very excited. sunnybananas told me about Akoha Cards and I finally decided to get them. As far as I'm aware, it's an interactive game where the point is to pay-it-forward and the more you do, the more points you get.

These puppies come at a time when I'm feeling the need to be more generous, so I think they'll probably help push me into that frame of mind. Yay!

My only concern is finding people who will 'play' the game. If I use one of the cards on someone, I give them the card and they are supposed to go online and enter the code to indicate it was given to them and they have to pay-it-forward to someone else, and on it goes. The problem is I don't know many people who would be into actually doing that: putting in the code and then paying-it-forward. I dunno, it's probably cause most of the people I know are male... I think gals seems to be more open to this kind of thing.

Sooo now I'm just figuring out where to start :o)

Oooh, shiney new deck:



Don't mind me, I haven't gotten anything good in the mail in a loooong time - I was hurting!


In other news, my first attempt at guacamole was seemingly successful - I thought that shit was complicated to make. Nope.



My next new attempt in the kitchen will be, I believe, biscotti. I don't know why, I just have this compulsion to make biscotti *shrugs*


shrinkingalice asked something on Twitter about wands today. Got me reminiscing... brought out the wand I made a few years back (that's really how long it's been since I've used it) and after admiring the awesomeness of it, realized I'd grown out of most of these sorts of tools.

Anyway, I told her that wands are used (in a nutshell) to direct energy. To which she replied "so does it make the energy more powerful than just pointing with your hand or something?"

No. No it does not, lol. And if that is the case, than why do people use them? It's not just the wand, but a plethora of other such tools that every new Witch feels he/she must have.

That's pretty normal. Paganism, in it's huge growth spurt over the years, has gotten quite complex in its many paths and traditions: to try and learn them all would take a lifetime, and each one (some more than others) is so intricate and complex in its many beliefs, rituals, pantheons, and special tools or sacred objects it is quite mind-blowing.

Don't get me wrong, I love that. When you're first starting to learn you just absorb all the information you can. You buy books and (especially books for beginners) these books tell you what tools you will need and (hopefully) what those tools are for.

You certainly don't need any of them, but acquiring them does no harm either. You love your cool witchy stuff - who doesn't? I wanted all the tools too: I slowly acquired many, most of them second hand or made myself (like that wand).

If you're not just a show-off, a lot of these tools have uses and that's the main point of having them: the wand aids in directing energy. It represents air. Using a wand to direct energy does not make it more powerful, but it can greatly aid in the visualization necessary to direct said energy. Knowing this, many tools can be a great thing for the those starting to learn and practice.

I reached a point in my path where the 'stuff' involved in this way of spiritual practice started to turn me off. I would step back and look around me and see the Pagans showing off their stuff, selling their stuff, buying more stuff, stuff, stuff, stuff.

I'm sorry, but there comes a point when enough is enough and so much stuff gets distracting and in the way of the actual spirituality of it all.

So I say, tools: very cool, especially good for learning how to work with energy, but not at all necessary.

We have a Pagan Pride Festival here every autumn that I used to attend. But I started to notice that most of the actual festival was people selling their wares! So much vital stuff was missing that goes to the root of what Paganism is about. Very depressing. I don't go to the festival anymore.

Anyway, I guess I'm trying to say that material things should really be in moderation lest they become more important than your spirituality.

I'm probably going to catch a lot of flack for saying this, but the Pagan community has come off way to 'religiousy' for my liking. I grew up Catholic and left organized religion for very good reasons. By no means do I wish to be part of another. That's why I never called myself Wiccan - Wicca is a religion, a Pagan religion, but a religion nonetheless.

I think I'm now rambling and likely lost my point somewhere along the way.

Hmmm I'll close this rant by saying: you already have everything you need to practice spirituality and to be connected. You always will. Everything else is just extra.



My wand is full of awesome.


What other random topic can I go on about...

Oh! This.



Is art.

And this...



is an artist.

And I...

have art envy.



Love Marylin.

First, You Have To Pinpoint Your Delusions

Jodie and I ventured out to the Hamilton Cemetery today to walk around. I've always loved cemeteries: so peaceful and full of stone art.

Fun fact: The oldest of the Municipal Cemeteries is the Hamilton Cemetery at 777 York Boulevard. It is not only the oldest municipal cemetery in Hamilton but is, in fact, the oldest municipal cemetery in Canada. (hamiltonhistory.ca)



It's eerily humbling to think that a hundred years from now, I'll be dead and buried and the only way I'll really be remembered is if I make a mark on the world in some way. Even our grave stones fade, are consumed by the earth, and forgotten.

I think I'd like to make a mark or two.



I planned out my entire funeral in great detail when I was much younger. It was a big to do lol. What an odd thing for a kid to do with her spare time... I wish I still had that notebook, that would be an interesting read.

Anyway, one thing I always said I wanted was a very big, very beautiful statue to mark my grave - what an ego.

This one was quite striking. You can't tell from the picture, but they eyes on this lady are freaky - they look like they're staring into your damn soul! lol



Fun fun!

Or maybe today's excursion was a salute to death: the death of a lot of bullshit ways of thinking, thus acting, that I guess I thought I needed to cope... things I didn't even know I was thinking/doing.

Well you can't end something until you know that there's something there to end and then figuring out what it is, exactly - it just took me a while I suppose.

Lesson learned: you can tell a lot more about yourself (or rather, about how you feel about yourself) by your actions and reactions then you can by your thoughts and beliefs.

I dunno. I'm just trying to stay awake cause I don't feel like going to bed yet - the result of which is this half-ass blog post.

And no, I'm not sorry.

But I do love you :o)


-Love Marylin.

Holy Tomato!

The meal I just had was so fucking good I just had to share it.

First of all, organic cherry tomatoes from the farmer's market = heaven... I don't think I've tasted tomato with flavour like that since I was little, seriously.

I fried up leek, garlic, celery, mushroom, spinach, and an egg in some olive oil and ate it on a whole wheat pita. Very simple, yes, but it was so good! I don't know why. And the egg could have easily been replaced with tofu.

It's good that I'm getting excited about veggies again. I'm slowly starting to feel a bit more "alive" - my body is celebrating the return of real food.

I was ready to go for a nap after eating, but now I think I'll stay up and make tea and do something productive... at least I'll try - I'm kinda bored today.

Tim picked me up and we went and got the paint and supplies I need at Home Depot. I picked a colour called "Dare Devil" so that should be interesting.

Here's what the room basically looks like right now:





The plan is to take most of the furniture out and paint. Then I'm having wall shelves put up with the help of my friend Sean. Other then that, you'll have to wait and see because of course I'll be posing 'after' pictures as well.

Other then doing some reading and giving some feedback, I've got nothin' goin' on this weekend so I'll likely get at least the first coat done.

What else... the doc doubled my meds today...

I'm feeling optimistic yet pretty miserable. I only got about three hours sleep and that nap is still tempting...


-Love Marylin.

Dreaming My Dreams...

-Love Marylin.

I [<3] Sunny !

So my friend Sunny is trying to win a Nissan Cube via a contest they are having in which fifty of the most creative and unique folks are chosen as the lucky winners.

I really hope she wins, she could really use it as part of her plan for immersion therapy. Plus, I'm hoping she'll drive her sweet-ass ride to Hamilton to hang out with me eventually ;)

Well, it doesn't hurt that she's one of the most hyper-creative people I've ever met - she's pretty awesome and is dedicating a lot of her time and energy toward this competition.

George and I want to show her our full support...





If you're interested in seeing a deserving gal win something that will vastly improve her life and mental health, go check her out and show her your support too!

And here's some snapshots of George's photo-shoot... you just... had to be there...


click photo to enlarge


-Love Marylin.