Hoppy Bunny Day!

Look what the Easter Bunny hid for me!

I will eat your nose.

Derp.

 

C'est fini

<3 M

Empty - ing

No idea where to start.  After fifteen years of not going to the dentist, I finally went yesterday and had two wisdom teeth extracted and some cavities filled.  The most dental work I'd ever had done previously was cleanings and one very tiny filling.

Brian brought me there and they gave me a magical liquid, along with some pills, tucked me in under a blanket on the chair, blindfolded me, and before I knew it there were people doing stuff in my mouth.  Yes I know that sounds dirty lol.  I was asleep for most of it.  The only painful parts were the needles in the gums, those were horrible, but didn't last very long so no big deal.

About two hours later, Brian was there and he took me back to his place and took care of me while I slept off the drugs.  I just need to make an appointment for a cleaning and I'm good - just gotta remember to floss I guess.

I do not feel less wise without my wisdom teeth, in fact, I feel even wiser ;-)

Last weekend I went to my niece, Amelie's dance recital.  She is three and adorable.  I've very proud to say she is the best dancer in her class and she absolutely loves the stage because after every group performance she yelled out "my turn!" lol.  And during intermission she ran up and gave a little show... and down the alley... and outside afterward... I love it.  I'm trying to find a video on the internets but having no luck.

This past Wednesday I had a pap.  Over a year ago they found abnormal cells during a pap so naturally they decided to keep an eye on things.  Well this time my gynecologist planned on doing a biopsy if any were found.  It's always a fun ordeal getting a pap, ya see, because it hurts like a sun of a bitch!  When I first started getting them it was not so bad - very uncomfortable but not enough to make me complain.  They were smart - they looked at me, saw they needed the SMALLER speculum, and proceeded with things as such.  For some reason that changed and it's like they're trying to stab my vagina.  I usually leave the office feeling sore, uncomfortable, and kind of abused to tell you the truth.  And this time was a gem.  He could not FIND my cervix.  He searched for like ten minutes with various instruments trying to find it.  "It should be there" I told him nervously.  It made me scared cause why the hell couldn't he find it?  He's a gynecologist!

Then he found it, but apparently couldn't see enough of it.  So then he tells me he's going to PULL my cervix out a little bit and so it might sting a bit O_O  What?  "Shouldn't it... stay where it's supposed to be?"  I said, terrified now.  The best part is that he doesn't even respond to my concerns, he just proceeds.  Thank gods for the nurse, she held my hand, she always tries to distract me from what he's doing and she tries to read my reactions for pain and then asks what kind of pain i'm feeling etc.  I think I will send her a card, actually, cause she's the only thing they have their that works, it seems.

And yes, it stung!  And I didn't even ask if he put it back lol :-s  After all that crap he tells me my cells are normal. *faints*

This past Saturday I attended  Amelie's baptism as her Godmother :-D  Brian and Drew came along, and Tiffani of course. While I'm not a believer in the religion, I do love Amelie and was happy to be part of it.  In fact, it was quite nice and she was of course adorable.  First thing she said as we entered the church - "Are we having cake?" :-p

She asked the priest what his white robes meant, she was really well-behaved and participated and I'm pretty sure she had some sort of spiritual experience if I didn't know any better. 

At one point, the priest asked that we all renew of baptismal vows.  No one there had ever been baptized aside from myself.  I found it really hard to repeat the words "I do" in answer to most of the questions being asked because I really really don't believe in those things, but I did what I could because it was for Amelie. The priest dropped his glasses in the bowl of water... that's how it ended hehe.

Then we went back to my mum's place for a while - she wasn't able to make it to the church because it was raining and her wheelchair would have gotten fucked up.

On Sunday, me, Brian, and Drew went to Gage Park.  It was a gorgeous day!  Brian and I sat under a shady tree on a blanket and ate some lunch, while Drew went back and forth between the water park and the playground.  Then around 3:30pm we all went over to where W.A.P. (whip and poi) was starting and spent the rest of the afternoon and good part of the evening with old and new friends. 

Drew played with the son of one of our friends while we lazed around.  I got to try out poi for the first time ever (finally) and I ended up enjoying it a lot more than I thought I would.  I seemed to pick it up quickly enough, I just have some major coordination issues to contend with.  It was really cool though.  I bough the stuff to make a pair but Brian lost it or something stupid but hopefully for next time.

What's interesting about this weekend, to me, is that Brian and I have been together for a year and a half (on Friday) and we've never had a picture taken of us - not accidentally and not on purpose.  It makes sense to me and it's sad but for some reason, this weekend we had two different people take our picture: my mum on Saturday (I hated the photo cause I'm a self-photo nazi) and then Dale on Sunday (which actually produced at the very least one good photo that I will share when I get).  We've had major ups and downs during our time together, things have been shaky, I won't lie (anymore), but I took the photo thing as an omen.  I hope so anyway.

Anyway, W.A.P. was good cause I really needed the social time and hopefully tomorrow will be good as well at the Hump Day munch.  I have a writer's meeting tonight but I feel like fainting so I'm gonna skip it.

What else can I tell you...

I've recently made some big discoveries about my future, about what I want to do with it, mainly.  And when I figured this out, it was great and I was very excited, and then it started to sink in: I can't do this because I am too afraid to talk to people, I'm too awkward and shy, too timid and anxious, too insecure because of it and there is no way you can be that way in the profession I want to go in.  So this was depressing.

Then I realized two other things:  a) I can't do ANYTHING worth doing if I'm this way and b) I'm not fucking shy people, I have social anxiety and THERE IS HELP.

I always thought it was just severe shyness.  I didn't even think it was that big of a deal but it just kept getting worse and worse and I didn't even see what it was doing to my life.  I kinda feel dumb for not even realizing and I think that's because I can and do socialize, but not without going through cycles of insecurity, anxiety, fear of not being liked,  etc etc and then when I AM putting myself out there for fear of being alone forever, I am so anxious that I stumble over my words, feel stupid and think no one actually likes me, they're just being nice. etc etc. etc.  It's ridiculous.  I just didn't put two and two together.  And now it's gone on so long that I don't know how to make much sense of it. 

I've been trying to use skills I learned in DBT lately, such as observing how I feel around people and taking notice of the thoughts I'm having and not giving into urges such as asking people if they like me (yes it's that bad). 

The fact that I realized I could have a future that isn't just confined to my little apartment studio (though that's good too) is what made me understand one of the major blockages preventing me from moving on with life, what is keeping me held back.  Now that I know what's what, I've already started taking steps toward healing.  I got a referral to a program, I'm going to be getting another referral to another program, and other than that I can look into support groups, good books, and practicing what skills I do have.

Unfortunately there's a very long waiting list but that is much better than nothing.  I admit it makes me sad and frustrated that I have to wait to get going with things but I have to remember there was nothing I could do about it if I didn't even know it was there.

I find it amazing how much we can miss about ourselves because we're right in the middle of it.  If only we could step outside ourselves once in while for analysis!

To be continued...


<3 M

Boxing Day

This is the reason Christmas wasn't a complete bust:



Also, cause Don came over for a bit and I got to give him his present.  And there was wine and Ativan and chocolate.  And I got a pink and black playboy bunny blanket from my younger brother (the father of the cute baby girl); slippers, and herbal tea.  My mum got me modeling clay, scratch tickets, and Chapters gift certificates :o)  Tim gave me some canvas and a really fancy shmancy pen that you use to write with or to do fine details with in your art.

So yeah, Christmas is over, thank the gods, and we're almost done new year's as well.  Until then, not much going on around here, kinda bored actually.  I'll probably sit in front of my puter with a bottle of wine for new year's eve - we shall see.  I'll have my own little LOFNOTC party.

I spent most of boxing day sleeping and internet window shopping for sales - ended up finally upgrading my toy collection.  I was going to go for books since I got the gift cards, but there were no good sales.  I watched two movies I've never seen before: '8 Mile' and 'Just Friends' - interesting combo.  '8 Mile' had a lot of good stuff in it, but also some crappy stuff.  But now I can finally compare the movie with 'Clueless' - another big movie that Brittany Murphy played in.  My verdict is that 'Clueless' was the better movie, had a bigger cultural impact, and that Brittany's performance in this film trumped her performance in '8 Mile.'  On a side note, the sex scene in the factory was really hot.

The other movie, 'Just Friends' was kinda... cute I guess?  I expected more from it for some reason but I'd say it was probably more corny than the average corny chick movie.  But I definitely related to Ryan Renold's character as the geek who is ever in the 'friend zone' - always the friend never the girlfriend.  I've also been known to play the part of the friend with benefits... just never the girlfriend.

I need to think of more good movies to watch.

Oh, P.S. I WANT THIS! (NSFW)



Love M

Christmas Morning

Thank you Jeeesus for being boooooorn."



Yeah, right. I'm listening to South Park Christmas songs to brighten my mood.  I don't think people should be sad on Christmas if they're not dwelling on sad things and trying to focus on the good things - it doesn't seem fair - but for some reason, here I am, feeling like shit (though a lot less shitty than I did earlier).  I started feeling down the day before Christmas eve and it has progressed from there.  I guess it's a bit inevitable - I'm lonely so I'm going to feel it a hell of a lot more now than I would on any other day of the year.  I know it's really just another day, but to be realistic, it's not - you know it's not.  It's a time to spend with your loved ones: it stopped being a religious thing for most people a loong time ago.  You can try to think of it as any other day but trust me, I've tried that one, it's almost impossible. I can even hear my neighbour enjoying her loved one right now.

I do have one very special thing to look forward to today, and that's my fourteen month old niece, Amelie.  I'm going to try to focus all of my attention on her, after all, it should be about the young ones - it's a magical time for them, especially before they realize they want STUFF.  I'm pretty annoyed that my camera won't work so I can't take any pictures of her, but hopefully one of my brothers will.  I'm also really looking forward to Don coming over later.

I just need to get through to January 2nd and I'll be alright.  New years eve will be hard, but who knows, maybe I'll have someone special to spend it with next year - gotta stay positive right?  I'm looking forward to writing 2010 rather than 2009 - yes, I am a nerd, we know that.

Ways I have tried to cheer myself up today: singing, putting on make-up, watching Bush say dumb things on YouTube, came three times, did a half smile, and listened to South Park Christmas songs.  See?  I try, lol.  Emotional disregulation sucks.  Feeling incredibly lonely sucks.  Loving people way more than they could possibly love me back - well, that doesn't suck in theory, but it does when you're not very high up on anyone's list of people to care about, such is my case.  Being a downer and writing depressing things on my blog sucks.  Okay, I got that out of my system.  Oh, I forgot to mention that I am also PMSing.

Remember kids, you can suck all the dick you want and still be virgin.





Love M.

The Perfect Drug

My niece, Amelie, is eight months old and she is a freak of nature.

I mean that in the good way: she is going from not really crawling, to being able to stand up and walk while holding onto something. I think that's just nuts! She "crawls" by standing on her feet and hands... it's quite something.

Mind you I have little to no experience with babies so perhaps that is not so abnormal, but I think it's just amazing.

She is also ginormous and so strong. I think she's probably pretty close to being a perfect baby.

I love her to death but don't get to see her often and I really, really hate that.



She's the happiest being I've ever met and she infects you with it... better than any medication.

I wish this world wasn't so fucked up.


-Love Marylin.

Dreaming My Dreams...

-Love Marylin.

An Angel Came Into My Life

Amélie

So yeah, it's 10:35 in the PM and I just finished cleaning out my freezer. George is the only one here and he doesn't mind - there are some perks to living alone. Only one dude I could live with and well, I aint talkin' about Georgey-boy.

We're on the cusp of summer here in Canada, we can all come out of our igloos for a while now! I'm takin' off my parka!!! (Yes, that's right, we have deep freezers in our igloos up here, mhmm.. oh, and kitty cats too!)

Hey I'm gonna be an aunt soon! My niece, Ms. Amélie Houle (named from the 2001 film, Amélie, or Le Fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain), will be coming onto the physical plane sometime in early October... a Libra, I believe, not too shabby. Poor kid, what was she thinking?

Here she is now...



... in the flesh, so to speak.

-Love Marylin.