Flustergasted

 I've asked Brian to call me in the morning because a.)It's a hell of a lot nicer to wake up to him saying he loves me than it is to wake up to an alarm clock that makes me want to hide under the covers and b.)I've found it gets me up on a positive note that I carry throughout the day.  Today was the first day with him doing that.  It worked alright. I'll admit I went back to sleep for twenty minutes and the alarm woke me up the second time, but he asked me to meet him on messenger and I knew if I didn't he'd be calling again so at least I had a reason to get my ass out of bed.  I was really nervous that I wouldn't last the day without wanting to crawl back into bed but so far so good.

And my friend Mel is coming over this evening now so I have a reason not to go back to bed as well as a reason to tidy up around here.  We'll be doing some readings and whatnot.

But before the tidying up, I decided to set my timer for 15 minutes and work on my space.  The good news is that the job is easier than I thought and I worked on it for more like a half and hour cause I was sort of enjoying it.  It will take me way less time than I anticipated, which is awesomeness.

The bad news is that I made some messes while working and now I feel like my place is a bit overwhelming to have to tidy up.  I overwhelm easily.  I think if I set my timer again to 15 minutes like I did with the other project, I'll have an easier time feeling like I can actually tackle the job.  Mhmm yep.

The weekend is approaching way too soon... I have socializing planned and I don't feel ready to crawl out from my cave  yet.  Ah well.  Off I go to tidy.


<3 M

When I Wake Up, In My Make Up

Today is pretty much a write-off.  Not gonna get any of the things done that I wanted to.  But that's okay.  At least that's what I'm telling myself.  The world is not going to esplode or anything because I wasn't able to make the daily quota.  Gonna go to bed early, hopefully wake up with some energy and make up for today's idleness.

Brian came to visit me this morning.  It's good to have a reason to get out of bed.  We kind of messed up the bed a lot though :-p  He brought me coffee and carrot cake and love.  He tries to give me love even though I'm really hard to love when I am down in the dumps as I am.  He is awesome.

Then I went to the doctor's.  And on my way there it occurred to me that three months ago I took it upon myself to lower my dosage of Celexa from 30mg to 20mg.

I've been trying to decipher exactly why my depression right now is as strong as it is because it feels much worse than the usual onset of S.A.D. and my life situation is not that bad.  So I don't know why it took me so long to put two and two together.  My brain is annoying funny sometimes.

So I'm kinda hoping this is the reason for the depression and that once I go back to taking my old dosage I will start to improve.  Crossing my fingers on that one. Gonna start tomorrow.

P.S. I need a new webcam, the one I have is pretty much useless and I want to have Skype dates with Brian.  Please to point me in the direction of a decent, inexpensive cam?


<3 M

The World Is Upspydown

 I was nervous about my gyno appointment today because they're gonna stick a microscope inside me and see what's goin' on in there.  Turns out my appointment isn't till the 16th and that today's appointment was just a regular doctor's appointment.  So I went. And the receptionist informed me that my appointment is in fact tomorrow, not today O_O

I am fighting to stay out of bed.  I can't explain how hard it is.  And I don't have the mental or physical energy to do anything much while I am awake.

Now that the complaining portion of our program is complete...

I went to my friend Mel's handfasting this past Saturday.  It was a small, private ceremony.  It made me want to get married! :-p  The ceremony was performed by a man who is also the head Santa Claus of Hamilton, as I'm told.  I was also in his coven for a while.  I'd love to tell people that Santa Claus performed my wedding lol.

In all seriousness though, it was quite beautiful.  Here's a photo of the altar, taken by one of the guests:

Pretty!  It was awesomeness.  Congratulations Mike and Mel <3

In other news, I have a simple goal - Create a nice space here:

It's been sitting there like that for about two months or so now.  It's not that it's a difficult task, it's just that I haven't done it yet, don't know why, just haven't.  And I don't know when it will get done if I don't actually PLAN to do it.  So that's what I'm going to do.

According to the SMART Goal model, I have to be Specific and know exactly what it is I'm trying to achieve (what will it look like when I'm done), it has to be Measurable so I can track my progress (how will I know I am getting it done?), it has to be something Attainable that I can actually achieve (do I have the time, energy, and resources to get this done?), it has to be Relevant (do I even care if this is done?), and it has to be planned with a Time-frame in mind (what days will I work on this and for what amount of time? when will this be finished?).

Specific

I want to organize the space to create a place where I can sit and relax, read, meditate, etc.  I want it to be clutter-free and peaceful.  I want to put things up on the wall.

Measurable

When I am satisfied that I have done a decent job, when the space makes me feel the way I want to feel in it, I will know I have achieved the goal.

Attainable

Though I would prefer to paint the wall, get an area rug, and perhaps a different piece of furniture, I don't have the resources to do those things in the next few months.  But I still want to do something with the space rather than have it sit there looking cluttered and being useless, so I am using what I already have to do the best I can with it.  I believe a two month deadline for this job is more than reasonable.

Relevant

This goal is very relevant. I want a nice home and this space not being done is keeping that from happening.

Time-frame

I will spend a minimum of 15 minutes every weekday working on this.  I can spend more time if I want to, but 15 minutes is all that is required of me.  This goal will be completed on or before December 31st, 2011.

If I knew I really wanted to do this but was really lacking in motivation, I might list the pros and cons of achieving the goal.

I know it seems silly to be this detailed for such a seemingly small endeavor, but I really need to practice this stuff.  And like I said, this project is not gonna go anywhere if I don't turn the "gonna do" into "gonna do at this time and date."

I'll let you know how it goes.


<3 M

I Am S.A.D. N' Stuff

I don't want to sleep all day.  I have delayed sleep phase disorder and S.A.D. - a combination that sorta leaves me fighting a losing battle regarding actually have a choice in the matter as to when I do or do not sleep.

I have a sun lamp, which is supposed to (and does) help with both the sleep disorder and the S.A.D. because they both have much to do with the circadian rhythm.  Well I believe the lamp is helping me with my mood but not with my sleep cycle.  But that's my fault.  If you don't use the lamp around the time you want your body to wake up (say, mid morning) than you won't.  Because I've been sleeping all day and using the lamp at like two or three in the afternoon, I'm not getting any change.

So I need to somehow get my ass out of bed earlier.  It's so hard to do that when all you wanna do is sleep cause you're so tired and your natural instinct is to hibernate during the dark half of the year (I am the bear and the owl ya know) and you have no solid reason to actually get up anyway because you have no real obligations, plans, or responsibilities.

I'd argue that I have responsibility to myself but if that case held any weight I'd be a much healthier person right now.

I'm sure it will all work out, it always does in some way.

I think I really need to start making plans and following them - I know I would feel much less scattered, unorganized, and directionless.  I stopped caring years ago about having goals.  When I was younger, I had so many goals and dreams.  After a while of being depressed and emotionally fucked up, I stopped having goals other than "get better" and since I never got better (for a long time that is), my goals didn't change.

Since I've been improving tremendously and the longing to have real goals again has come back, I found myself lost, not knowing what the hell I even wanted. As if I had forgotten how to even have goals.  It saddened me to realize how far away I had gotten from myself to not even know what I wanted.

Luckily(? hehe), I have a boyfriend who needed help figuring out how to make and implement/achieve goals.  Exasperated (for some reason), I set out to teach him, frustrated because of how easy it was to do so (and why didn't he know how?).  Isn't the ego a funny thing?  Here I am, struggling with the exact same issue (way to be aware of yourself, right?) and acting like some kind of expert on the subject.
 
But I did it.  I taught him how to do it.  And it was effective.  And as I taught, I realized this was exactly what I needed to be doing for myself.  I can be a very wise person but I really suck at the actual doing and sticking to part of things.

So I did sit down and make some goals for myself, in all areas of life.  And I even created a neat little binder with dividers to categorize the goals and keep track of them etc.  I put a lot of work into making this little binder, my GOALS & PLANS binder, to make it all organized and pretty and stuff. 

And that's where I stopped.

I made this binder at least two months ago.  I have not even looked at it since.  I have not looked at any of the goals I made.  I'm not exactly sure why I do this sort of thing.  I know part of it is fear of failure.  Another part is how scattered I have felt for so long that I never know what I should be doing at any given moment since there is so much I need and want to do and no actual schedule or priority and anything.  Did I mention I am good at excuses too?  ;-)  Basically, I overwhelm easily and I am good at overwhelming myself on an almost daily basis.

So what should I do?  Open that damn binder! 


<3 M

You Love My Hair

I feel like crap.   Like I just want to shed a few layers of filth, pain or whatever it is weighing me down right now.  I'm just so tired.  I'm also disgruntled at the moment because people fucking suck.  By people, I mean the men I bring into my life - why do they all despise me so?   I'm sure it's my own fault, but it's ridiculous.  If you don't like me, JUST FUCKING SAY SO - don't play games with me; don't brush me off and then find me when your dick gets hard or when you're bored, BE A FUCKING MAN.  I know, apparently I have a tattoo on my forehead that says 'slut' or 'no I don't mind being walked all over' - or at least that's what men like to think.  I'm so tired of being treated like less than human and I'm tired of writing in this thing about it because I'm not a man hater damnit, I'm just a magnet for getting hurt or something.  And I'm pissed off because I was blown off by a friend yesterday and he doesn't seem to register that fact... oh I'm a perpetual machine of forgiveness and gullibility.

St. Patrick's day was interesting: went to open mic night at the doors.  It was ok.  Some guy was stalking me around the bar continually demanding that I come home with him to fuck - I think the poor guy needs professional help but I didn't appreciate the boob grabbing and whipping out of the dick... I'm sure he went home alone.   I had my first green beer, watched some of the game on the big screen telly, ran into someone I haven't seen in over a year, made out with a hot chick who had really tasty lip gloss on, got about a million compliments on the awesomeness that is my hair, and ultimately met someone at the very end of the night who I hope is interested and doesn't turn out to be like every other fucking guy I meet.  I guess I'll find out...

For the very few hours I was awake yesterday, I threw together this video about nothing for the purposes of practice and getting used to the camera, etc.  I know I'm not photogenic at all but oh well.  I really am a camwhore at heart....



Until next time, be good and be nice!  (And thanks for letting me complain).

Love M

Thinking Way Too Hard About A Title

Ugh, I feel like the bear being forced to wake up because spring is approaching and it's time to gtfo of the cave now.  Well it's not a comfortable transition: I'm cold and tired and sore and I need a couple cups of coffee first, k?  My sleep has been screwy for the last week or so.  I tried to stay up today but had the wise idea of laying down and watching a documentary where a bunch of people perform Leonard Cohen songs, with him speaking randomly in between in that beautiful voice of his... that's all the lullaby I need.  I woke and decided to practice the guitar more but got flustered cause I couldn't find any good videos to help teach me.  I just wanted to learn the damn 'B' chord... that shouldn't be so hard, should it?

I was looking at my long neglected YouTube channel because I wanted to change my username since 'Lilith Kills' doesn't really reference much, I just think it's a cool name.  Apparently you have to make a whole new account to do that so I don't think I'm going to.  I have two videos on there and I'm thinking about making another one soon just for fun.  No idea what I'd do on it but I'll figure it out.  One of my videos is a sort of book trailer I made a long time ago to help promote my book and I thought since I could really use the money right now and I still have copies, that I'd share my cheesy video here and see if anyone out there wants to read some really good fucking poetry.  So, without further ado...



Thank you, thank you :op

In other news, I ran into a friend from high school last week at This Ain't Hollywood, who now lives in the city so that is awesome - I need more females in my life, especially ones who aren't dipsticks.   Speaking of TAH, all three bands were fucking good and I didn't realize Hamilton was harbouring such kick ass female rockers.  I am pleased.  I am also pleased (while we're on the subject of music) to announce that The Creepshow are playing The Casbah on the 31st and tickets are only $10 and I am very excited!  We (Buttercup) interviewed them back in October '09 and I loved them as soon as I heard them.  Hellz yeah.

I finished (for the most part) a piece that was inspired by Picasso in a way that I'm sure no one could possibly guess lol.  I really like it but I don't like it so much digitally - it lost a lot of awesomeness through the scanning process, but I'll show you anyway:



I'm going to a life-drawing class next month - I've never been to one but the price is very cheap and I want to take advantage of the experience.  I think it's going to be an ongoing thing so maybe I'll actually get good, ya never know!  It should be fun, anyway.

I know I'm all over the place in this entry but I want to speak briefly about publishing: am I the only one confused these days about what having your book published means?  Here is what I have always thought:  To publish your book, a publisher buys your manuscript and pays you royalties.  To self-publish your book, you design and print it (or hire someone to do that) and you make all the profit from sales (unless you've hired someone to market it or something).  And vanity publishing is paying some company (usually way too much money) to do everything for you, usually relinquishing most of the creative and financial control.  Have these definitions changed in the last few years?  I realize reading the wikipedia definitions clarify, but in reality, I've come across many people who don't seem to realize the difference.  I dunno, I guess it's just a stupid pet peeve and I wish the lines were more distinguishable/explainable.  Sigh.  It just reminds me of the damn poetry.com bullshit all over again.

Anyway, St. Patrick's Day tomorrow... not really a special day but I'm going to go out anyway and have a green beer because I've never actually had one before.  I know, it's just beer w/food colouring, but still, it's green.

Okay, get lost now!



Love M

Too Tired To Title

I. am. exhausted.

I totally lost it this weekend - something in me decided I didn't wanna deal with the pain I was going through (being reject #539 'er something) and so I didn't: instead, I pulled an old favourite and got myself and nice and wasted at around three in the afternoon on Saturday.  Being drunk and angry just feels so much better than sober and pathetic and in too much pain to be conscious.  I was quite trashed and decided I had to get out of the apartment, so, feeling nice and self-destructive, I narrowed my options and decided to head to Corktown to see Randy and Mr. Lahey (from the Trailer Park Boys).  So I wobbled over there, flask full of whiskey hidden in my purse (and bottle of Ativan just in case?) and actually had a pretty good time - the show was funny and as drunk as I was, I remember some of it - even standing with the rest of the patrons to sing 'Oh, Canada' after the 'boys' poked fun at those silly people requesting the lyric change (it's not hard to feel at least a little patriotic after those beautiful Olympic games).

Anyway, after that a few guys I know from a band got up and played a set with a new band they're in (Radio Free Universe: members include fellas from Bombshell and the guy from King Clansey) so that was okay.  Then closing time.  That's where things got ridiculous.

Some dude asked if he could share the cab with me cause he lives just a few blocks from where I'm going so I said sure why not.  That was a really stupid move apparently because all he did was get out of the cab at the same place as me and followed me into my fucking apartment building.  So I was fucking stuck in my apartment lobby with this really creepy guy who wanted to come to my apartment with me and kept calling me a bitch cause I was saying 'no, leave' meanwhile trying to grope and kiss me.  Then he drags me on the elevator! so I obviously refused to press any buttons cause I didn't want him knowing where I live (obviously).  After I don't know how long (and after flashing me in said elevator) he got fed up with the elevator business and tried pulling me into a stairwell.  But as wasted as I was, I was able to fight (thank gods).  Oh did I mention he grabbed my keys from me and wouldn't give them back?

Finally after about an hour of this torture he left and I booted my ass up to my apartment and locked the doors.

The next day was a hang-over and that same yuckiness that was intolerable the day before, except this time no drinky poo (as Mr. Lahey would put it).  I slept a good chunk of it away, then later on dealt with some unpleasantness and shed the damn tears I was trying so hard to avoid in the first place.  What a train wreck.  I'm pretty sure anyone talking to me lately thinks I'm a nut bag unless of course you already know me, then you already know I'm a nut bag.  Well, at least I learn from it all, that's something.

So after little to no sleep last night I had to get up early for an assessment to get into the eating disorders clinic here in Hamilton.  I pressed snooze at least ten times and felt like pure shit.  The assessment consisted of me sitting in this psychiatrist lady's office while she asked me about everything from my childhood to my suicidal tendencies and everything in between for about two and a half hours.  By the time we were done, I was completely drained and a little depressed because I had just talked about my life for two and a half hours and it was all really shitty stuff so it made me feel like I've had a really negative life.

As much as my apartment needs to be cleaned and that article needs to be written for Buttercup, there was no way.  I slept pretty much all day and it was very much needed.  And this is a big chunk of why I. am. exhausted.  No wonder it feels alien when I tell people my age cause I sure feel like I've been stuck at 13 forever.  I am so jealous of people who know how to live and people who know how not to fuck shit up and people who are reading this blog feeling sorry for me because they can't imagine being so miserably stupid.  And now I'm starting to make myself sick with my whining so I'll move on.

I do have some positive things to talk about.  I got a guitar!  Sean brought it over about a half hour ago and I've decided to relearn.  Yay!  Maybe when I'm 40 I'll be a rock star ;o)  I don't know how to read music - I learn by watching and listening because of course I like to do things the hard way.  I used to know so many freaking songs - I knew almost every Hole song too!  Damnit I wish I could remember.

What else, I needs monies.  I'm usually good with monies but I'm so tight this month and it's a really bad month to be broke cause I have two writer's meetings and a few shows I just have to go to.  Thursday I'm heading to 'This Ain't Hollywood'  to see '13 Bags of Dick' and 'Allysa In The Apple Tree.'  On the 20th I'm going to see 'Steel Mountie' at 'Bread And Roses.'   'Rackula' is having a CD release at the 'Casbah' on the 27th and I think that's it (I hope so cause I have no money! Please donate - I will show you my bra strap [no, I am not kidding]).  I need to do my damn taxes.

Alright, here's hoping for better days ahead.

xoxoxo




Love M

It's All Over, Baby Blue

Does this make sense?  I'm antisocial yet lonely all at the same time - it's an oxymoron, I don't understand.  Which brings me to my new year's eve: I assumed I would be spending the night right here with George and the other lonely internet people but was asked by Jodie to hang out.  I deliberated and though I felt that staying here and not "doing anything" would be my best option since I can often feel my sadness/loneliness more acutely when I'm around others (depending on the situations and people) but I decided to fight the urge to avoid.  As much as it can be extremely difficult for someone to get up and go somewhere/do something social when they're feeling down, it usually ends up being a good idea.  So this is why I was "smart" and decided to just go for it.

This turned out to be one of those times where staying in alone would have been the better plan - how was I supposed to know?  So that was annoying.  Although who knows, perhaps I would have gotten myself all sad if I'd stayed in.  The thing is, I've become really good at distracting myself from dwelling on unpleasant emotions, which is why I either wanted to stay home alone, or go somewhere where there were a lot of people and mayhem for a different kind of distraction, or of course, have someone come over and sweep me off my feet so to speak (yes I like to fantasize).

So that was that.  I got through it.  And I quite literally slept straight through January 1st - just woke up around 10pm.

Just in case you're wondering, the reason I'm all melodramatic about the holidays/new year's eve is because it is a time to spend with your loved ones.  Not only do I not have many people in my life, but those I care about most are not with me, but with others.  Therefore the loneliness is exaggerated and who the hell wants that?  But it's done now - let's move on, shall we?

I don't really do new year's resolutions because if I'm going to make a resolution, I don't need to wait until the beginning of the year - that's what Mondays are for ;o)  Obviously I need to work on relationships and lack there of and of course my health, which fucking sucks and drives me crazy and I wish I could trade this body in for a fresh healthy one damnit.  Not that I hate my body, but that I hate how malfunctioned it is.  As for hating my body, I'm pretty sure I've got BDD but I'm hoping some stuff I'm doing is gonna help that.  The brain is a crazy/powerful mother fucker.

Anyway, there's always stuff to work on - that's what we do in life, we grow and then we die and hopefully we enjoy the process.

In other news, I just found out that I have been wearing the wrong bra size for almost a decade, which explains a lot - wtf.  So I'm actually a DD or E cup, NOT a D cup.  Damnit.  Time to get some new bras.  Time to get all new clothes actually, since my lovely cat George thinks it hilarious to cover all my clothing in his white fur so that I can never get a date and become an old, lonely cat lady.  I swear to god he has some magical fur that makes it impossible to remove!  He's lucky I love him.

Enough rambling for now, I'll be back when I have something good to say.


Love M.

P.S. The new issue of Buttercup is here - join, read, socialize, and love it.  New articles added daily.

Eat And Breathe

Holy shit it's been a while.

I'm sitting at my desk in my new studio/office/workspace (choose one) and I fuck-ing-love-it. I pulled it all together today and it's pretty much done. My desk is so much bigger, I have storage, I have a balcony with sunlight and fresh-air - the only thing I can complain about at the moment is the white-trash neighbours who sit outside and drink beer while talking much too loudly about nothing and occasionally getting into a verbal match where whoever can swear at the other the loudest and most inappropriately wins.

But I say, they're all winners *thumbs up*

I live in one of the good neighbourhoods in Hamilton and these people stick out like a sore thumb.

Anyway, I can't let myself get stressed out about it. I've been in de-stress mode since last Sunday morning at meditation.

You see, when meditating, one is still. Breathe. Relax. Let thoughts drift away. Bring awareness to the moment. It's a wonderful thing. Jodie and I started going to Sunday morning meditation at a Buddhist temple up the mountain and we both loved going - it made the whole rest of the week better. But we stopped going due to early mornings being hard and most likely approaching cold weather.

Now it's about a year later and we're dragging our asses back into Bodhisattva-ness damnit.

Last Sunday was our first time back and it was an eye-opener.

I sat on the cushion, tried to relax, breathe, close my eyes.

First sensation - racing thoughts. Not just racing thoughts, but thoughts flashing by at a frequency so fast that I could hardly decipher what the thoughts were about.

Since last summer I've been working pretty hard at not having to think those thoughts that make me worried, sad, anxious, afraid, etc. T.V. on every night, all night long as I slept because the t.v. would allow me to fall asleep without having to be alone with my thoughts. The t.v. was the distraction. I didn't care what was on, as long as it distracted me, put my brain on zombie mode, I guess you could say.

Having the t.v. on while you sleep is SO bad for you. You don't get a proper rest and you don't remember your dreams. You wake up feeling gross. Also, it's addicting.

When I wake up in the morning the first thing I do is check my email, and then I'm pretty much on the computer all day. More distraction.

I'd been living like this for months and months and I had no idea I was even stressed out.

So last Sunday was the first time in a LONG time that I was forced to be completely quiet, still, aware, and it was as if all those thoughts I'd been distracting myself from came flooding through, the damn had broke. It was disturbing.

I then became aware of my breathing. Breathe in, breathe out. Long, slow, smooth breaths - that's what I tried to do... except my breaths came out short, shaky, and uneven. I couldn't breathe, that's how stressed I was.

My third sensation was pain. Nothing new, but it was worse than usual - perhaps because I was attempting to unclench from months of a stiff, tight body? Or perhaps it was merely because I was paying attention.

It was a horrible morning and left me depressed for the rest of the day. But it also opened my eyes to how poorly I take care of myself. So I decided then and there that I couldn't go on like that anymore and here I am a week later, already feeling so much better.

It's really sad when you tell your shrink that you "started to eat and breathe this week." I didn't realize how crazy that sounded till she pointed it out. Shit. What the fuck am I doing to myself?

Right. So tomorrow morning is attempt number two at meditating - I look forward to it.

Oh, and I've canceled my cable so there's nothing on anymore. Ha!

It appears as though I've rambled on quite a bit already. You might wanna take a bathroom break, cause I have a lot more to talk about.

Okay you're back! lol

George.

George racked up a $450 vet bill the other week (talk about stress). You may remember me mentioning that I took pictures of his asshole? Well I took him to the vet and it turned out he had a bladder infection - apparently bladder infections do weird things to male cats *shrugs.* He had to stay at the vet for two nights and they sent him home with two different medications and a plastic cone around his neck.

First let me tell you: George just might look cuter when he's wearing his cone then when he's not. It's too sweet to describe - I have to recommend getting your cat a cone. Pictures are coming, don't worry.

George is also freakishly undisturbed by this huge cone around his neck: he's been wearing it for a week and a half straight with zero problems. And don't tell him I told you this, but the thing is on so loosely that he could just slip his head out of it if he wanted to.
My theory? He doesn't want to.

I didn't get off that easy though. He's being so stubborn about taking his pills. I've tried disguising them in all kinds of yummy things - bacon even! He's onto me. He knows what's up. He eats around the pill or he eats the food then spits the pill out, still intact!

I've had good luck for the past two days with some wet food and cat milk so I just pray it lasts till he's done his meds cause he needs to get rid of his infection - poor guy.

And that's what's up with George - he has an exciting life.

Encyclopedia Dramatica.

Heard of it?

Me neither. Well, at least up till a few weeks ago. Now I know very well what it is. It seems my epic Suzi Blu blog post caught their attention and inspired an article of their own - it's apparently part of a series on whores, according the site. Karma really is a bitch.

On to more important things: I've watched three Monty Python movies so far and they rock: Holy Grail, Life Of Brian, and Meaning Of Life. I feel there's a good chance I might start 'getting' the references people make now lol.

I also got in a few other movies in the past couple weeks:

Chaplin - definitely good enough to own. Jersey Girl - wtf? I'd like my hour and a half back please. The Hours - I've probably watched this six times in the past two weeks and have officially added it to my list of favourites. He's Just Not That Into You - no.

The white trash are blasting hip-hop... bad hip-hop.

Hey, while I'm on pet-peeves, is it just me or is it incredibly annoying when the elevator door opens and you start to walk out but people start walking in instead of letting you walk out first? Isn't it proper elevator etiquette to let those who are in the elevator get off before the people waiting for the elevator get on? Yes, I think it is. And if it's isn't, it damn well should be.

I think that's good enough for now as far as blog posts go.

For me, blogging is cathartic, so when I go a while without doing it, I start getting a bit antsy.

P.S. My mum unloaded a fuck-ton of good quality oil paints and some acrylics too. I'm going to take a bath in them now.


-Love Marylin.

Nothing To See Here

Where do I even begin creating a banner/header for my blog? I used to be half-decent at doing that stuff, now I'd rather hire someone. Anyway, I need to make one as soon as possible because the current one just isn't cutting it for me.

My dear friend, Brenda, gave birth to a baby boy today - that is awesome, she's always wanted to be a mother and now she is... can't wait to meet him, he probably has red hair just like his mommy!

I had big plans for the weekend, plans to get a lot of shit done, but I haven't been able to stop sleeping! I have no idea why I'm so tired, but tired I am and I've done practically nothing productive.

Meh, my body wants sleep, I'll give it sleep, and get to work when I'm nice and rested.

I took pictures of George's asshole earlier today.

Yup, kitty porn. And no, I'm not joking. There's something wrong with his asshole and I needed to show Lexi - the queen of cat butts to get her opinion.

The things I do for those I love...

Another trip to the vet may be in store. Yay.

I can't write for shit when I'm this tired.

Sean brought some movies over the other night, all of which I've never seen. We watched 'A Fish Called Wanda' - very funny! He also brought 'Spaceballs' and since I've never seen 'Star Wars' I might not 'get it' but hopefully it'll be entertaining anyway.

Last but not least, he brought 'Monty Python - The Holy Grail' - my first time seeing any Monty Python! I watched half of it last night and give it the thumbs up. I'll watch the other half tonight and I'm sure this will just make me want to watch the other ones.

It's pretty bad, all the movies/shows I have not seen. Scary, really. You'd think I was raised Amish or some such weirdness.

Aaaanyway, Sean is helping me get a proper movie education. He also brought over a saw for me to borrow... don't ask!

Speaking of movies, Jodie is a bit of a film-connoisseur and did a very good thing - she started a blog about it! It's brand new, but I recommend subscribing cause she does know films! It's aptly named, She Watches Too Many Movies.

Did I mention how tired I am?

Anyway, this is my favourite part so far of the Monty Python Movie:




-Love Marylin.

T.V. Kills Dreams

I've been having weird dream patterns for quite a while now: I'll dream about the same situations played out in different ways, each one meant to evoke a strong feeling in me.

Sometimes the feeling will be extreme panic that I'm cut off from communicating with loved one(s), for various reasons. It feels like those dreams I used to have where I was about to be murdered or something and no matter how much I tried, I could not for the life of me dial 911. It's scary. It's sad too.

Sometimes the feeling will be a great sense of feeling loved. Pretty much the opposite of the above. The wonderful feeling of security, of not having to second guess. That's such a peaceful, comforting feeling.

Now the odd thing about it is that they seem to accurately predict the outcome of the next day.

What I mean by this is, if I have the dream where I feel disconnected, insecure, etc., the next day something either happens to make me feel that way or I just end up feeling that way out of sheer coincidence.

And of course the same goes with the other dreams. If I have the dreams that make me feel secure and loved, the next day usually brings something to make me feel that way, or, again, I'll feel that way out of sheer coincidence.

Of course, there's always the chance that my day unfolds the way it does because my dreams have set the mood for me. Self-fulfilling prophecy craziness?

Anyway, it's weird and annoying. I've gotten to the point where if I wake up from one of the not-so-pleasant dreams, I'm somewhat paranoid during the day about what's going to happen to upset me.

I wanna have some different dreams. These same ones are pissing me off and yes I know that recurring dreams indicate that I need to fix something in my life, I'm very aware of that, but in the meantime, how 'bout a little nightly erotica?

Nah. That never happens.

Another thing about dreams: they don't work very well with the television on. I've been falling asleep with the t.v. on for a while now so I don't have to think while I'm trying to go to sleep (because my thoughts aren't happy right now). As a result, I'm not remembering most of my dreams.

Interesting fact: when you can remember your dreams, you are less stressed. It is HEALTHY to remember your dreams.

This was confirmed when I had a mid-morning nap the other day. No t.v. on. My dreams were so loud! I don't know how else to describe it, but it was as if my dreams were so eager to finally be heard that they came rushing in, big, loud, on and on they came. And I woke up feeling refreshed... which rarely happens these days.

I'm going to start listening to guided meditation on CD to help me fall asleep. It's relaxing, and when the CD is done, no more noise or distraction.

I've said before, t.v. kills poetry. Well now I know that t.v. kills dreams as well.

And now it's time to say goodnight. Sweet dreams you little weirdos.


-Love Marylin.

Between Safe And Dangerous Waters

I fell asleep earlier today watching a four hour-long documentary about Mark Twain... nothing against the man, I just haven't been able to stay awake for long intervals these past few days. So far I'm impressed. He was born Samuel Clemens. He gave himself the name Mark Twain, which is the signal for being in between dangerous and safe waters. Very cool. I'll have to get back to that when I have the energy.



I'm the kinda gal who has a lot of time on her hands to think, so I know I do too much of that, but I say it's better than not thinking enough. When the television turns on, that's when people should start worrying: that is when I've thought myself into my own little hell and the only thing dumb enough to distract me is the T.V.

I hate the T.V. and I'm like some drooling, catatonic, shell of a person who can't muster up enough will to do anything but sleep. I put the T.V. on and let the noises fill my empty apartment, so that something else seems to live here, something I can pay attention to to forget myself.

Let me ask you this: have you ever really sat down with your thoughts and wondered what it is that you REALLY get out of bed for everyday? I mean, seriously, it might be your children, your significant other, your family, your friends, your career, or maybe you don't even have a reason, you just do it mindlessly because that's the way it is.

Well I'm too awake these days to do most things mindlessly, so I do not have an answer that comes to mind for this question. I have partial reasons, reasons I LIKE to live but that can easily be discounted in my mind as not REAL enough reasons to want to wake up everyday.

I want to write. I can't write if I'm dead. I have a hard-on for nature, though I rarely get to see any. I want to be with some people whom I love very much, but nothing lasts forever so I won't get to be with them always anyway. I wouldn't mind more mind-blowing orgasms either, but sex is unreliable too.

I'm just saying, these are all great reasons to get out of bed everyday, but not one of them seems relevant enough to be THE reason. What is my reason? What the fuck am I doing awake? I'm not saying I don't want to be alive, I'm just having a hard time not knowing why I remain so.

-Love Marylin.

Anything But...

Anything: surfing the web, watching television, cooking, cleaning, reading!, thinking, chatting, rationalizing, doing my nails - anything - but STARTING the process.

Of course it could be argued that I am just getting the wheels turning, occupying myself with other mundane activities to come back to the keyboard refreshed, but I'm ashamed to say that most of my life consists of this so called "wheel turning."

But I digress.

I couldn't sleep last night and had the dreaded attack of inspiration - dreaded, because my mind and body are way too tired to do anything about it. But I did manage to quickly jot down my ideas before they would disappear forever, to some mysterious place where there are thousands of other gems wasting away.

But I swear! Right after I'm finished reading Blessings of the Blood, I will start the research process so I can get going with the writing of this new book (check back soon for more information on this one).

I also managed to send off my application to register for the 2006 Hamilton Small Press Fair, which is coming in November and where I hope to sell off most of my remaining copies of Swallowed by the Room.

What else? Trying to redo my online portfolio but having a hell of a time finding a free hosting site that doesn't have too many annoying pop-up ads, and having an even harder time coming up with a new layout.

Sigh.

Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Dum Dum Corn!

For the past week or so I've been a little depressed and having weird sleep patterns (nothing really new). So tonight I was in dire need of some comfort food for dinner but alas, there's no junk food or anything to be found in the cupboards

Then I remembered what my friend Lyndsy taught me: "You can make virtually ANYTHING into something tasty!" (Oh, Lyndsy, where are you hon?)

Dum didy Dum didy Dum Dum CORN

Ingredients:

- a bowl full a' corn
- a crap-load a' butter
- a crap-load a' salt

Directions:

Place corn and butter into bowl. Microwave till corn is swimming in butter. Take out of microwave and dowse with salt. Eat and Enjoy.

Now, as I do care about my heart, I decided to reduce the amount of butter and salt in this lovely recipe. Nonetheless, it tasted awesome!



Nutritious, no?



Here you can see the puddle of butter.

Mmmmmmm! Problem solved.


Love Marylin.

Sleepless In Ontario

I've yet to sleep and it's 4:52am. I don't know why some nights I pass out immediately, while others (and more commonly) despite my obvious fatigue I struggle to get to sleep.

Argg and going to sleep at this hour means probable sleeping in which I HATE doing unless it's a Sunday (don't ask me why).

I've been feeling really creative too, but with not much energy to create.

Who reads these journals anyway?


Love Marylin.