Too Afraid

And I'm not sure how to change that.

I know how to change my social anxiety and I'm sure that will help, but this seems to be something else as well.  I hadn't really thought about it before now, not sure why, maybe I wasn't ready for the truth?

If I get excited about something, I will talk myself out of going for it.  There are dozens of reasons I give myself to rationalize not doing something.  This is what I've been living like.  And now look at my life - I'm not living it.  I mean I'm not experiencing and pursuing things and that makes me feel stagnant, useless, and pointless.

But enough about what it has done to me.

I don't want to focus on the problem - the problem has had enough time to thrive.  I want a solution.

Last night on Facebook, I saw the Hamilton Conservatory For The Arts was giving classes.  I thought about taking the beginners photography class because I've lately discovered taking photos is kind of enjoyable - don't know why I never felt that way before, but anyway...  I thought it would be a good thing for me to do to expand my horizons, learn some things, meet some peoples, etc.  The place is really close to where I live and the money isn't a problem.  Aside from the fact that I don't think I have the right kind of camera, there was nothing stopping me from going for it - except of course, myself.

I didn't know what happened in that moment between enthusiasm and deciding against it, but I believe it kinda went something like this:

Me: ooh exciting!
Myself: scary.
Me: It's close by!
Myself: Still far enough.
Me: I can learn a lot and have fun!
Myself: You're not a photographer, you have more important things to attend to before you go taking classes on subjects that won't even help your livelihood.
Me: This would be really good for my social anxiety exposure therapy.
Myself: That's too much to handle right now.
Me: I never do anything.
Myself: you can't handle it.
Me: okay, I guess you're right.

*Sigh*

I've been "disabled" for basically my entire 20's.  My issues changed me and the way I live my life tremendously.  But unfortunately, I allowed it to define and devour me.  Being enveloped in health problems for long periods is a great way to neglect every other thing in life.  I wasn't able to do so many things I wanted to do or used to be able to do so I guess somewhere along the way I stopped trying and reinforced the belief that I can't handle things, even though I consciously know/or at least think I can handle many things, I block myself from living the life I want to live.

Sure, I have some challenges that make it hard to do everything I'd like, but that doesn't mean I can't at least do some.  I'm afraid of social situations but I can fight through that.  I am way too easily overwhelmed... so I don't have to do everything all at once... I am in pain a lot of the time... so take it easy?  So why doesn't "myself" understand that?

And I know I have a lot of fear about being really far out of my comfort zone, and imagining that discomfort can be enough to make me do nothing.

How can I change this pattern? (not a rhetorical question).


<3 M

Cooking Lessons From Mum

I've recently decided to properly learn how to cook: I've asked my mother to give me lessons on the classics and techniques used by professional chefs.  It should be an interesting experience - my mother is the scariest food critic I know!

My mother is a real chef.  She has the natural talent and before she got sick, she cooked up a storm, day after day, year after year, impressing everyone who tasted her food.

At one point she decided to go to school to become a professional.  I was really young at the time (around 8 I think) so I don't remember much, but I do know she was really happy, maybe happier than she'd been in a long time as she has suffered severe depression all of her life.  And as far as I know, she was getting all A's too!

This is a great example of someone pursuing their passion.  My mother loved to cook for people - she loved making them happy through delicious food.  This was her gift.  Now she was taking that passion and making a career out of it.

The sad part of this story is that she left school before finishing to go take care of her dying mother.  She could have said no, but that is not my mother.  She didn't go back to school after her mother died - I don't know if it was because of money or another reason, but I do know she regretted it.

She certainly didn't stop cooking, though.  And she tried her hand at catering for some time.

Then she started to get sick and eventually was not able to cook like she once did.  Now she is in a wheelchair, mind you, even in her wheelchair she can cook circles around most people, but any dream of being a professional chef is no longer in her realm of possibilities.

My mother and I are very different in our attitudes of life:  she is more on the pessimistic side of things while I am of the belief that anything is possible and 'if there's a will, there's a way.'

With the right attitude and outlook on life, a person stuck in a wheelchair can definitely be a professional chef.  It just takes imagination and determination, and confidence, of course.  I'm not saying anyone can do it: everyone has different circumstances to contend with in their lives and I can easily see why my mother hasn't adopted my way of thinking on the subject - she has had one hell of a hard life and when you're doing battle with countless blocks and disabilities, both mental and physical, it can be impossible to see any opportunity for a brighter future.  And it is sad.

Recently I've been watching the show 'Masterchef US' and in the third season there is a woman who is completely blind.  Not only did she get into the competition, but she excelled and has made it to the finals.  Imagine, blind, running around the kitchen with sharp knives, steaming pots preparing and excelling at delicate and professional dishes.  Very inspirational.

I'm coming to believe that success in these times comes from thinking way outside the box and throwing convention to the curb.  If there's a true desire, there is a way to work around the circumstances to make it happen.  There is no problem that does not have a solution.

Where there's a will, there's a way.





<3 M