(Really) Glad To Be Alive

I almost died yesterday.

My day started of okay - had a routine cleaning at the dentist for 11am: the hygenist was extremely chatty the whole time, which makes me anxious, although she was very nice and kept going on about how beautiful my teeth were.

Value Village is in the same plaza as my dentist and that's where I headed after my appointment.  After heaping my cart full, I proceeded to the change room where I spent a generous and painful length of time trying on various things.  After a while, I was so sore that I just had to stop.  I was also starting to get hives, which is normal for me as I've been getting them for the past two years whenever the lightest sweat breaks out (it's very frustrating).

I left the change room and started looking through the items in my cart.  After a minute or so, I started having trouble breathing, so I started taking my inhaler, but it wasn't helping and the hives were getting worse.  I went to sit down and text Brian and right after that, I felt my face was swelling up.  At that point I dialed 911 and went outside to the front of the store, leaving my cart inside.  My breathing was worsening by the second and by the time I spoke to the lady on the other end, I could barely speak. 

So I waiting, bent over a railing, trying with all my strength to just breath. 

The ambulance seemed to take forever to arrive - longest time I've ever waited for an ambulance.  Meanwhile, the 911 lady kept asking me questions, and I eventually just stopped answering her because they had nothing to do with my condition and I couldn't talk!

Then a woman coming out of value village starting acting like my nurse, putting her face in mine, asking me dumb questions, leaning her hand on my back, making it even harder to breath.  I felt like crying. I didn't know what to do.

When the ambulance finally did arrive, they slowly sauntered over to me as if I was suffering from a minor boo-boo and proceeded to ask me questions like "what is the matter,?" "what's your name?" "do you know where you are?" etc etc - all of these questions and they still hadn't even touched me.  I stopped trying to answer their stupid questions because I felt like I was literally drowning - I couldn't get ANY air.

So then they put an oxygen mask on me, which was not emitting ANYTHING.  I tried to tell them but they didn't listen.  I took the mask off to look at what might be the issue and the place where the oxygen is supposed to com out was covered by some kind of plug.  I tried keeping the mask off of me because it was making it way way harder to breath, but they kept putting it back on me.

At this point, I was pretty sure I was going to die.  They were taking their time.  And they stopped trying to put my mask back on.  But I didn't want to die, so I started trying to beg with what little air I guess I was getting (no idea how) - "please help me!" "I can't fucking breath," "please, you don't understand!" And the EMS guy was quite annoyed by this point, and just barked back "this is our job - we know what we're doing!" 

THEN they give me an epi-shot.  Get me onto the bed thing (whatever it's called), and proceeded to take their time.  I started clawing and thrashing out of desperation (not at anyone, just the bed thing) the same way one would if they were underwater drowning - it's an instinct - even if you want to die, your body automatically tries to fight it.  I got yelled at again.  I've never begged that hard or desperately in my whole fucking life. 

At that point, I just accepted I was gonna die and tried not to fight it anymore - next to impossible.

So they had me lying down flat on this bed, and for anyone who knows about asthma or breathing problems, you know that's the worst possible position - sitting up and/or turning on your side makes it easier to breath for some reason.  So I tried my best to wiggle to my side, which was next to impossible  cause they had me belted in so tightly.

They finally put me in the back of the ambulance, where I was half in the bed, and half leaning against some kind of glass cabinets.  The didn't touch me again.  Just left me alone, and I actually started to be able to breath a tiny bit, laying on my side, which was so relieving.

We finally got there... did I mention they didn't even turn on their siren until we were just about to arrive?  They rolled me into the hospital, into a room, where there was about seven staff.  The EMS still hadn't touched me - in fact the one guy told them in a very annoyed tone, that I had no idea who I was or where I was, etc.   WTF.  Yes I did.  I just couldn't breath, motherfucker!

They placed me onto the bed in the room, and put an oxygen mask on me that actually had oxygen coming out of it!  From there on I knew I would live because they were all there giving me what I needed as if it was an emergency.  I got two more epi-shots, an IV with Saline, Magnesium Sulfate, Prednisone.  They gave me ventolin, lots of oxygen... hooked me all up with electrodes and basically made it so I could actually breathe again.  And they were nice to me, too.

Brian came - walked at lightening speed from downtown to the Jurevinski hospital - first time I'd ever had someone at my bedside at the hospital.  Felt odd but good.They continued treatment and monitoring for several hours until they were sure I was stable and okay. 

I was exhausted, and in so much pain: one particular nurse, who I'm sure meant well, kept squeezing and poking my arm, not sure why but I think she was hooking lots of stuff up to me.  I kept saying ow because it fucking hurt like a bitch, and finally I said "I have Fibromyalgia" and they were like "oooohhh, okay" - I don't usually complain when stuff like that happens, but it was too much.  At least they understood why it was hurting me so much when I volunteered that information.  It made me realize the importance of letting people know so don't hurt me inadvertently.

This same nurse, when the moved me to another room when I was stable, came in and slapped my leg "affectionately" asking how I was doing.  I screamed because it felt like she just dropped a ton of bricks on my leg.  Sigh. 

Yesterday was not my day.  But I lived.

So a bit of background: as I said, for the past two years or so, I get hives so easily, just from a tiny bit of sweat.  They usually start on my chest and can stay for a quite a while.

Then about a month or two ago, I started going to the YWCA to use the treadmill, which I'd done many times before and never had an issue.  One day I came home and almost immediately broke out in hives all over my body, itchy, sooo itchy.  I was itchy inside and outside - and I felt myself swelling up - my face, eyes, lips, basically my entire face, so much so that you could still see the effects of the swelling two days after.  The scariest thing though, was that my throat was beginning to constrict. 

So I laid down in bed, put the fan on my full blast, and concentrated on relaxing my body, and breathing, paying attention to the swelling so that I'd know if it got serious enough I would call 911.  The only reason I knew that it was a serious thing, is because since I was a little girl I have been allergic to fish, so much so, that even to touch the juice of it sent me into severe antifilactic shock - my eyes would swell completely shut and my throat would swell and cut off my air completely.  I had twenty minutes then I'd be dead.  When I got a bit older, they shortened my time of death to three minutes - scary stuff.

After that exercise incident happened, I went to the doctor and told her about it: she set up an appointment with an allergist and gave me a prescription for an epi-pen.  She also told me to take allergy pills before doing any exercise, just in case.

Well we found out yesterday that ODSP doesn't even cover an epi-pen - something that could save your life quite literally.  I thought that was ridiculous.  Brian brought the perscription in to get filled and they handed him a form - not an epi-pen, and told him I have to go back to my doctor to have the form filled out.  If I had had that epi-pen yesterday, things might have turned out quite differently.  Luckily, the nice doctor who took care of me yesterday was awesome and filled out some form for me to take to the pharmacy to make it so I can get it covered.  A hundred dollars is what it would have cost.

He also prescribed me a new inhaler since I used it all up trying to breath in the value village yesterday, and three days worth of prednisone.

So, I went into antifilactic shock yesterday, so bad that it almost killed me.  And just from my own perspiration, apparently.  What's that about?  My throat closed up, and I couldn't breath.  That was the scariest thing I can think of that I've gone through - I find it really upsetting to think about so I've noticed I've been trying to stuff it inside so I don't have to deal with it.

I know I have been quite judgmental in this post, mostly regarding the EMS people, and it's quite possible they were doing everything they were supposed to do and it just didn't seem like they were because I was so desperate to breath that I couldn't help feeling that way.  I realize this - I just really needed to vent it all.

I've had to call 911 various times in my past due to asthma attacks and every time, the ambulance arrived quickly, acted quickly, gave me oxygen right away, took me to the hospital asap.  So I just don't get what they were doing yesterday.

Also, I'm extremely grateful that I had the brains to call 911 - my pattern has always been to avoid calling them at all costs until I knew I would absolutely die if I didn't.  I'm not sure why I have been this way except maybe that that's what my mother has always done, or because I didn't want to "waste their time" unless absolutely necessary, or I just didn't care about myself enough.  Or maybe all of that is why.

So all I know is that I am somehow alive today.

What scares me now, is that this could happen to me again at any time, any place, any day.  It has been easy with the fish allergy because I just had to avoid fish.  It would seem now I have to avoid sweating too much (until maybe the allergist can figure out what's going on), which is really impossible since it happens just when I make dinner, and not to mention summer is just about here.  I'm scared.

Not sure if anyone will read all of this since it's a pretty long post, but for those who do, thanks.


<3 M

I Feel Like Poo

I wish the doctors would do tons of tests on me so I could just know, once and for all, what the fuck is all wrong with me.

I have an appointment on the 23rd with an allergy specialist, so I guess he's gonna do a bunch of random tests to see what I might be allergic to.  I don't have high hopes for that though, not sure why.  This is why I wanna do an elimination diet in the new year so I can actually pinpoint what foods are having what effect on me.  I don't see any other way of figuring it out.

Then there's the whole iron thing.  I'm supposed to be taking three pills a day, each one at different times, and that's where I'm getting fucked up - it took me years to remember to take my meds everyday, and that was just once a day... and right now my schedule is completely fucked up so I'm confused as to when I should be taking them.  I only just got up an hour ago, I'm not even fully awake yet, I haven't taken any pills yet.  So I don't know when I'm supposed to be taking iron pill 2 and then iron pill 3.  I really hate when things are like this.

I don't have any energy :-(


<3 M 

It's The Moon I Tells Ya, The Moon!

< update >

NaNoWriMo:

It is day 9, halfway through the second week and all I have written is 844 words.  I started writing on day 1 and went into panic mode.  This never happened in the last two years I participated, but this year I am suffering especially from depression and high anxiety.  Not because of NaNoWriMo, but because of the S.A.D., the medication adjustment a few months ago, and some other things going on in my life (worries and whatnot).

I haven't been able to bring myself to write anymore.  The document has sat open on my task bar since November 1st.  I just closed it though.  Even though I am so behind I still had a faint hope of catching up, which under normal circumstances would be hard but not impossible.  But I just found out today that I am probably moving on December 1st.

It bothers me that I wasn't able to accomplish it this year, but I'm going to try to write my ass off in 2012 to make up for it.

'Space Project':

I got really far, actually I only needed to put some art on the wall and it's done.  If I can get my camera to work soon I'll post a photo, but I see no point in continuing the project since I'm moving in about three weeks.  I will create my space in the new place (along with many other things) and will blog all about it.

< /update >


<3 M

When I Wake Up, In My Make Up

Today is pretty much a write-off.  Not gonna get any of the things done that I wanted to.  But that's okay.  At least that's what I'm telling myself.  The world is not going to esplode or anything because I wasn't able to make the daily quota.  Gonna go to bed early, hopefully wake up with some energy and make up for today's idleness.

Brian came to visit me this morning.  It's good to have a reason to get out of bed.  We kind of messed up the bed a lot though :-p  He brought me coffee and carrot cake and love.  He tries to give me love even though I'm really hard to love when I am down in the dumps as I am.  He is awesome.

Then I went to the doctor's.  And on my way there it occurred to me that three months ago I took it upon myself to lower my dosage of Celexa from 30mg to 20mg.

I've been trying to decipher exactly why my depression right now is as strong as it is because it feels much worse than the usual onset of S.A.D. and my life situation is not that bad.  So I don't know why it took me so long to put two and two together.  My brain is annoying funny sometimes.

So I'm kinda hoping this is the reason for the depression and that once I go back to taking my old dosage I will start to improve.  Crossing my fingers on that one. Gonna start tomorrow.

P.S. I need a new webcam, the one I have is pretty much useless and I want to have Skype dates with Brian.  Please to point me in the direction of a decent, inexpensive cam?


<3 M

Over The Edge

Gya, I've been feeling so wretchedly anxious! That disgusting feeling in the pit of your stomach that drives people to use, drink, eat, fuck, sleep. It's very uncomfortable... it's a mixture of worry and fear magnified and seems to come too often when there's no purpose for it.

It's no fun feeling like throwing up for no reason... kinda dampens the day.

It's not that anxiety doesn't have a source: I have my reasons for being anxious - in fact, I've pinpointed my current reasons (or so I think) and still I feel this anxiety.

I want to retreat to my bed with my cat and dissolve into seclusion but that only leads to being more depressed... it's a lovely downward spiral that is too easy to fall into.

Deep breathing doesn't seem to be doing much either, which pisses me off because I've been told do to that when anxiety comes.

Take a pill or two... it works wonderfully most of the time. But I don't want to have to pop a pill - I want to have a solution. What to do about feeling anxious so that I actually don't feel anxious. The pills are a dream. A blissful one, but still not real. They help me cope - much like booze, drugs, sex, food, etc. except they're prescribed so I guess that makes them different (ha!).

Fixing the issues that are making me have anxiety is an obvious solution, but not an immediate one. Perhaps I should slip into a meditative state until my next shrink appointment?

Or I could bitch about it right here on the interwebz. It takes the edge off ;o)


-Love Marylin.

Coming Out Of Hiding

I went to the park today. I probably wouldn't have gone to the park if I hadn't promised my therapist I would. Ya see she's trying to help me have a better quality of life so that the work the meds are doing aren't going to waste. She wants me to take advantage of any energy and motivation I'm feeling, which is easier said than done.

She made me choose something extremely simple to do but it had to be something that I actually wanted to do and would benefit from, otherwise I would be overwhelmed and even if I achieved the goal, would likely not stick to it in the long term.

It's a really weird therapy process that I have never heard of, yet it's so simple and makes so much sense. It takes into account how hard it is for people to take action in their lives in whatever way necessary when they're so used to hiding away in their apartment, no longer capable of maintaining any real schedule, thus being overwhelmed by the simplest of tasks... not even the task itself, just the idea of it: it has to be done - it seems monstrous when it's really very small and simple. If I have to do two things in one day? Forget about it! That becomes so overwhelming that I usually end up not doing either thing... there may be no logic in it, but it feels as real as the air we're breathing.

My existence consists of spending the day and night in my one bedroom apartment, mostly doing something on the computer. Sometimes I have to clean. Sometimes I have to shower. Sometimes I have to cook! Sometimes I have to run errands (omg).

I go out to socialize occasionally, but not much, and it's usually places where I'm already comfortable being like a friend's place, or my writer's meetings.

(the phone is ringing - I'm too scared to answer it because I don't know who it is). I hate talking on the phone and only do so when absolutely necessary, so I'm sure that has some effect on my social interaction.

I've been living like this (well actually I'm doing a lot better than I was) for years now... most of my twenties have been a losing battle.

So to the people who are reading this and wondering why I don't just CHANGE already, it is because it's all I know. I have mental illness, it makes me act and react and feel in ways that are often completely void of logic. It is quite possible that if I had gotten the proper help years ago, I would be living a very different life right now... but that's not the way life works... things tend to happen when they're meant to happen.

What the hell was this blog post about again?

Right, I went to the park.

And for reasons I cannot explain, I was sick to my stomach with anxiety at the thought of actually GOING to the park. I have no idea why. That kinda made me realize just how serious this is: if walking two blocks up the street to the park and sitting at a bench journaling for a half hour makes me that anxious and afraid, I must really have a problem because I did not anticipate that happening. Why would I? I'm not agoraphobic and I'm usually fine going out by myself when I feel like it... so what gives?

And then I got to the park and I seriously felt like people were laughing at me. No logic.

I found a picnic bench and proceeded to journal. I journaled about what I was thinking about the whole going to the park thing. The longer I sat there, the more relaxing and enjoyable the experience was. I kept trying not to look up from my journal because I didn't want to see anyone looking at me (wtf) but when I did, I noticed a girl had sat down at another bench by herself to read a book.

I tried not to look at her because I didn't want people to look at me so I thought I'd give her the same courtesy.

So I laughed at myself for being such an idiot and continued my journaling.

I stayed for fourty five minutes and would have stayed longer if it hadn't been so chilly (I despise cold!).

The walk home was better, except I thought this creepy looking man was following me so that was kinda scary, but I was just being paranoid o_O

So I don't know what any of this means, it's too big for me to try to wrap my mind around right now, too overwhelming.

I'm being guided by a very capable therapist toward a better quality of life and I believe if she sticks with me, it just might work!
But at the same time I'm still terrified. I'm still afraid to set any goals right now - if I make something a goal, I will be letting myself down for the millionth time if I fail. If it's not a goal and I fail, it's not as big a deal. It's stupid, but that's where I am right now.

Except for this going to the park business that I was tricked into doing ;) I'm supposed to do it two times this week and I'm afraid I won't be able to go a second time because it's supposed to rain all the way till Saturday. Or maybe I'm more relieved than scared.

Whatever.

I have a lot more to talk about but I'll have to do it in another post. More literary fun, film festival fun, stupid people doing stupid things, and creepy dates.


-Love Marylin

Bleeding Makes Me Tired

I have not had coffee in the apartment for days. I don't know why I let myself run out but I do and am forced to get out of bed and not have hot caffeine goodness to seduce me into staying out of bed.

So at the Think Haus (previously Hamilton Hackers but the name was changed and I hate the new name but what can ya do when you live in a shoe?) I excitedly helped myself to two lovely cups of the deliciousness. Awwww yeah.

It was a good meeting, a possible location has been found and will be checked out soon. It's very cool and because of the size, there are so many possibilities. What would you do if you had thousands of square feet at your disposal? Exactly.

Umm I'm tired. No coffee and this happens to be my week... my week to sleep... that week.

I have to read a crap-load of stuff still and give my feedback. I have to... oh guess what...

ODSP is giving me transportation to the local YWCA. I can go fifteen times a month (about 2x/week) so that's awesome. I'm gonna swim and do weight training stuff. So that's good news.

I don't wanna jinx it, but there's a real possibility that the new increase in my meds is doing something good. I'm still miserable as fuck and scared shitless to make any promises to myself, but I have noticed an increase in energy and motivation/will. We shall see.

I've been having bad dreams though. I'd say for the past month now. Not really nightmares, but bad dreams. They all relate to fears I have in real life about abandonment and a certain person.

My living room is still in upheaval but I put all my most used/favourite art supplies right next to my desk so they're right there ready to go all the time, which makes my life easier because I need to make the art. I needs to.



Oooh marylin.ca is finally pointing to the right server! FINALLY!!! So I'm gonna be uploading the site within the next few days and my website will finally be back in action.

I hope the warm weather comes and stays very soon cause I have a summer plan. Well, not really a plan so much as an agenda of sorts. It involves a backpack, an mp3 player, a camera, a notebook, a sketchbook, a bus pass, and a comfy pair of shoes among other things. Pretty self-explanatory.

Bah, I'm grumpy. and this blog post sucks.

P.S. Downtown Hamilton does not have a cafe. WTF?


-Love Marylin

Mumbo Jumbo

So what is new with Marylin.

The T.V. has been on a lot lately: I rarely watch it but it sort of keeps me company at night. Bad habit, but I guess I need it right now.

Just painted coat number three on my living room wall in 'Dare-Devil' red. I quite like it and can't wait till I can put up the wall shelves and get this room done.

Started a bit of Spring cleaning but not planning on going crazy as last year I planned such a big clean/over-haul of the apartment that I ended up getting overwhelmed and taking forever to finish.

Shrink just doubled my meds - I was on the lowest dose possible, apparently... kinda pisses me off. I hate hate taking medication but I sort of also don't want to be completely miserable.

I am pretty miserable. If someone as optimistic as I am can get like this, I feel so sorry for people who started out on the pessimistic side of life.

I've sort of given up for the time being. Not really sure what that means. I'm afraid of trying because I feel so defeated and exhausted from so many years of failure that I don't think I can handle it again. So at the moment, I'm pretty much just taking it easy, whatever that means. I'm at a stand-still of sorts. Do not apply pressure, contents may explode.

I'm most likely moving my writer's group to a new location. We've all had enough of loud, poorly lit establishments that cost us more than we'd like to spend. We have a perfect location, but the move should be worth the extra few blocks east.

Speaking of the group, one of the members is forming a team for the second annual Hamilton 24 Hour Film Festival. The script will be written by members of Hamilton Writers, with me as head writer, and the film will be credited to the group. I thought that was very nice of him to give the group publicity when he could have taken all the credit himself. That should be really fun - it's coming up on May 1st.

I'm also thinking I should buy a domain for Hamilton Writers cause the current website just isn't cutting it. So many ads. Stupid Freeservers...

And don't get me started on domains! We're coming up on May and marylin.ca has been offline since February because people are fucking stupid and don't know how to do their jobs. All I want to know is how to point my domain to the right server. It's been almost three months now and I'm still working on the problem. How stupid is that?

Ummm I've been meeting with a new group in Hamilton, currently called 'Hamilton Hacker Space' and that's been pretty cool. The plan is to rent a space in the city to share for projects of any kind that you don't really have room for or don't want to do in your home. It's for artists, crafters, DIYers, hackers, computer geeks, etc etc etc. We're currently looking for a place, so the verdict is still out on whether or not I'll be able to be an active member - it all depends on the location of the space. I don't drive, I can't walk far, and when it comes to winter months, it's impossible to get me out very far.

What else... 'Main Desserts' on Main and Locke is no more and has been replaced with 'Shanti Yoga'. The cake at 'Main Desserts' was to die for, but I think I need a yoga center more. They offer belly dancing, which I really wanna do, and on Friday nights there's meditation and chanting so I'm gonna check that out with Jodie (my super awesome friend and neighbour) this week. I could really use it.

I'm happy that the warmer weather is coming around. I'm gonna start going for walks. Need to get a new mp3 player.

I dunno what else... I'm itching to do art but my living room is all fucked-up cause I'm painting... most of my materials are kind of inaccessible. I should do something about that tomorrow gods damnit. A friend wants to do an art swap with me so I guess I'd better.

I'm tired. T.V. kills brain cells.

I saw the series finale of 'Corner Gas' tonight - I'm gonna miss that show. Canada pulled off a sitcom in the middle of R-E-G-I-N-A and it was SUCCESSFUL. That's quite the accomplishment. Kudos. Canada rocks... and we're funny as fuck.

This blog is pissing me off. I hate the colour combinations! I'm so bad with colour! Yet I do art, go figure. But yes, it's driving me crazy. I want some pink... how hard can that be? *sniff sniff* Alas I won't fret about it now... *grumble*

I think I might be driving my neighbours crazy with my over-playing of Amanda Palmer's new album. She kicks the can across the street though so fuck them. I want her photo book... photos of the dead Amanda Palmer... beautifully sick.... Amanda Fucking Palmer.

Ok no more of this nonsense. I'm getting too comfortable with this blogging thing eh? So now you know what's goin' on in a nutshell.

There will never be enough space to fill the thoughts in my head, but I appreciate this piece of the world wide interwebz, I really do.

And so I go.


-Love Marylin.

Holy Tomato!

The meal I just had was so fucking good I just had to share it.

First of all, organic cherry tomatoes from the farmer's market = heaven... I don't think I've tasted tomato with flavour like that since I was little, seriously.

I fried up leek, garlic, celery, mushroom, spinach, and an egg in some olive oil and ate it on a whole wheat pita. Very simple, yes, but it was so good! I don't know why. And the egg could have easily been replaced with tofu.

It's good that I'm getting excited about veggies again. I'm slowly starting to feel a bit more "alive" - my body is celebrating the return of real food.

I was ready to go for a nap after eating, but now I think I'll stay up and make tea and do something productive... at least I'll try - I'm kinda bored today.

Tim picked me up and we went and got the paint and supplies I need at Home Depot. I picked a colour called "Dare Devil" so that should be interesting.

Here's what the room basically looks like right now:





The plan is to take most of the furniture out and paint. Then I'm having wall shelves put up with the help of my friend Sean. Other then that, you'll have to wait and see because of course I'll be posing 'after' pictures as well.

Other then doing some reading and giving some feedback, I've got nothin' goin' on this weekend so I'll likely get at least the first coat done.

What else... the doc doubled my meds today...

I'm feeling optimistic yet pretty miserable. I only got about three hours sleep and that nap is still tempting...


-Love Marylin.

Planning For My Thirties

April is here: month four - a quarter of the year passed.

This year was to be the year of 'Marylin' - the year where I stopped moaning and actually acted on life. Because when last new year's came around and the question of "what are your resolutions for 2009?" started popping up, I realized that the resolutions I had were the exact same resolutions (for the most part) I'd had every year for pretty much a decade.

I am twenty seven years old. I cannot go into my thirties with the same energy as I've been spending in my twenties. I just can't. I know I wasted a fucking decade - I can't do it again.

It's not that I've done nothing, it's that I've done a very small fraction of what I have the potential and drive to do/achieve. I've only lived a small fraction of the life I've wanted to live.

Over these years I have made some progress. I've realized a lot of the limitations I was fighting against were not as controllable as I thought. Once I stopped fighting certain things, so much stress and sadness was taken away.

All my life I've suffered from sleeping problems, which have caused a lot of problems for me regarding school, work, appointments, and even socially.

I've strived all these years to take control of my sleep patterns, thinking I just wasn't trying hard enough.

Finally, a few years ago I had an over-night sleep study done that revealed I had what's called Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder.

The doctor explained to me that trying to fight it is fruitless because it is a neurological problem, it's just the way my brain works, and that I should try to work with it if I want to be happy. One of the best things for someone with DSPD is to do a job where you can set your own hours, like writing, for example.

Great! I thought. I am a writer! This just gives me another reason to justify writing for a living.

So after this new information was made known to me, I slowly stopped fighting against the sleep issues and that has made a world of difference. I don't feel guilty or stressed out anymore about it. This has made me a happier person in general.

Ask me how my writing career is going.

Well, just take a look at my ISBN collection and that should answer your question.

Isn't it funny what excuses we can make for our lack of productivity? Mmmhmmm.

Another obstacle that came about right when my twenties started was being "disabled."

Yes, I was about twenty when I couldn't take the pain and fatigue anymore. That's when they diagnosed me with the osteoarthritis and the fibromyalgia.

I can't even begin to talk about how weird that is/was for me. I've never been a very active person, so it left everyone baffled as to why I would get osteoarthritis, and so young too. I got the fucker all over the body too. The fibro is a little more understandable, my mum has that too, but still, at twenty?

Suffice it to say, these have factored into my life substantially. It is quite hard for me to walk very far, let alone do much rigorous exercise. It makes me an outsider to my peers, who sometimes don't quite understand why we can't take that twenty minute walk to "insert place." It's embarrassing, especially because I've never been very vocal about my issues, so it just makes me look really lazy to people, since you can't see my disabilities just by looking at me.

It's also hindered my ability to lose weight. Not only is exercise difficult, but the fibro effects your metabolism and also includes depression as a side effect, which I already suffer from. (But I'll get to the weight and the depression as well.)

I don't feel sorry for myself about my physical disabilities. I'm okay with adjusting my life because of them. I just still can't bring myself to accept that I can't exercise the way other people can and I know my refusal to accept this is only because of my desire to lose weight and be healthy.

I've finally accepted that I can't be as active as most of my peers, and I've been working on being more vocal about it, but I still have shame, and I hate that I have that shame, hence more shame. I don't want to be a pain in the ass ya know?

Anyway, I have come to a place where all those feelings of shame and of trying to fight the illnesses have lessened a great deal, which means, again, that I am a happier person with a lot less stress.

Then there is the mental catastrophe to talk about.

I honestly think I had depression as a child when I look back, but there's no way to know. What I do know is that when I hit my early teens, I had it. I had really bad depression and I didn't know it was depression, I just thought I was a really sensitive person lol. A misunderstood teen.

I didn't realize I might have a problem till I was nineteen, living in a bachelor apartment that I'd rented with no employment to speak of, where I spent the majority of my time filling binders full of get-rich-quick ideas and reading tarot cards over the phone for Miss Cleo (without payment).

If you don't remember Miss Cleo, let me refresh your memory:



Three months later I found myself unable to get up from my futon because i was "inexplicably" paralyzed with depression. But this was before I started hallucinating and being afraid to go outside...

The worst part of it was that my entire family suffers from a cornucopia of lovely mental illnesses and not once did anyone in my family suggest that I might also be afflicted - they all just thought I was the "normal" one. The one who would actually go somewhere in life.

Anyway, so I sought help and was diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorders. The little pink pill (paxil) they gave me made me feel better for about a year, but when it stopped working, things were a lot worse and this coincided with the worsening (and discovering) of my physical issues.

Since the initial diagnoses, I'd been seeking proper help in the form of therapy to no avail, and ended up being switched to effexor for a while (this made me worse), and then to celexa (which helped a lot and which I still take now) by a family doctor who I all but reported for malpractice for so many reasons.

I was monitoring my own meds and recieving zero therapy due to long waiting lists and a bitch of an ex-roommate who failed to deliver a very important phone message to me.

It wasn't until late last year that my name finally reached the top of a waiting list and I got myself a proper therapist, working under a psychiatrist.

The official diagnoses was Borderline Personality Disorder (which I knew) and they are keeping an eye out for signs of bipolar, which is tricky because you can have both, but it's hard to tell since people with BPD usually exhibit a lot of similar traits as people with Bipolar. Either way, I'm sick in the noggin'.

The good news is I'm finally getting help. There's a program that people with BDP can go through called Dialectic Behavoural Therapy that I'm on the waiting list for. This is supposed to help drastically with my issues and help me deal with things in my life.

As for what I can do to actually fight my mental issues, I 'm really not sure. Trying to fight them in the past, as if they weren't a reality, usually proved to create more guilt and so the cycle goes. I've learned that if I don't take my illnesses into consideration, it will lead to unnecessary disappointment.

The problem is that until I do what I need to do/learn what I need to learn therapy wise, I keep going through the same mental issues as always, and as always, they take me two steps backwards. It's always a matter of keeping my head above the water, and after so many years, that is very tiring and makes it more and more tempting to just let go, to give in, to drown.

My mental illness is the strongest force in my life - it paralyzes me and I can never get used to it, because if I did, it would mean being satisfied with not improving myself or my situation.

This is the obstacle in my life that fuels the other obstacles, the obstacle that prevents the other obstacles from being removed.

If the plant continues to grow, it's kind of hard to prevent the leaves from coming back, season after season.

I'm overweight because I was so depressed that I didn't care. I'm still overweight because I'm still depressed and I use food as a drug because I don't know how to manage my emotions properly. I'm still overweight because I have osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia, which fuck up my physical activity and metabolism.

I'm overweight, which makes the physical disabilities worse, because my poor joints have to carry all that extra weight, which makes physical activity even harder, which makes losing weight even harder.

I'm overweight, which makes me depressed because I'm not happy with my body, which has given me a low self-esteem, which has effected my social life, which has made me more depressed and withdrawn, which has made me want to eat more...

It's all mental though. My own mind has created my own misery and what will happen if I can't change my mind? I wish it was more of a choice. I wish I could just buck-up and get on with life. But it's more complicated then that. I can buck-up, but it's only a matter of time before it catches up with me again and the fall is always so hard.

I feel like a whiny baby complaining. But this is my reality. I wish I were just a whiny baby, so someone reading this could slap me in the face and show me my own stupidity, and then I could move on.

So this is my reality.

I have osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia that I receive disability for because I can't work. I have this delayed sleep phase disorder that prevents me from keeping a normal schedule, which is okay, because I don't work anyway. I don't work, which allows me the opportunity to actually write and follow my dream of being a successful writer.

All of this seems to work itself out... it almost seems like the universe planned it that way for a reason.

But my reality includes this debilitating mental illness, which seems to be THE obstacle standing in my way. It scares the shit out of me to think that I'll be this stagnant and unable to escape when I'm thirty seven. I can't deal with that, I have way too much potential for that to happen.

They're playing with meds (carefully) and I'm seeing a really good therapist on a regular basis. I should be getting into the DBT program thingy quite soon according to her, at which time I'll still be seeing her.

Aside from trying again and again and not giving up, I'm really counting on the program and the therapy to give me a lot of what I need to improve the way I live my life.

And it will be completed before I turn thirty.

Something else I'm starting to consider is gastric bypass surgery. I've obviously considered it many times before, but was always against it because it's unnatural.

But now the pros are really beginning to out-weight the cons: this surgery would make me lose weight, which would take stress off my joints, which would allow me to be more active, which would improve my overall health and lessen my general pain, which would make me more generally happy. I would not be so disgusted with my body, which would make me feel more confident, which would give me higher self-esteem, which would make me happier and improve my social life, which would make me happier as well.

It would be a huge thing to not have to worry about, which would free up so much energy. It would drastically effect my mental state and level of self-love.

I'm not saying that losing weight would solve my problems. I'm naive but not that naive. I just know that it would be a gigantic step toward improving my life.

The only concern I have is that getting such a surgery would not change my eating behaviours in itself, so I would definitely need to get help on that part of the deal.

So those are two gigantic things that will be happening before the big 3-0 (not sure about the surgery yet though).

I'm so tired right now that the usual momentum I'd have for "trying again, but this time better" is not showing itself. The thought of listing all of the things I need/want to accomplish is so overwhelming that I think it's best if I just try to keep it simple until I'm more capable of pondering more. Even the simple things are making my heart rate a little jumpy.

1. Take good care of myself.

That's my first job. I'll go from there.

I'm actually not done writing this entry, but my eyes are getting a lil' tired so I'll end it for now.

If you've read all this, well, you're a trooper! Thanks :)


Love Marylin.

Alone But Surrounded

The following statement really made me think:

Amanda Palmer: The Village People.

And I think I have to agree. I've never thought of it that way, but it's so true. I think I can safely say that each individual has their own worries, pains, dramas, etc. It is hard to deal with life sometimes. So being connecting to an endless amount of people has got to be overwhelming, to say the least.

We don't even think about it anymore, it's become a way of life, we didn't have time to stop and consider if we wanted it this way, or if we had a choice.

Would there be so many people suffering from mental health problems if it wasn't such "a small world"? I have major stress just from connection with my immediate family, let alone friends, hundreds of acquaintances, hundreds more passers-by, and hundreds and hundreds more faces, opinions, voices on the internet.

But not once did I consider this to have a thing to do with the state of my mental health.

Would things be as depressing if there weren't so many people alive? If cars hadn't been invented, leaving us stuck in our own little few miles of the world? Who knows.

I do think that there wouldn't be as much of a problem if people had been more conscious of the changes. But we really weren't, we just watched it all happen and integrated it all into our lives without too much thought.

The world has grown so big: most people don't live a simple life anymore... we've lost touch with a lot of things that made us feel real connection. When something as vital as that is missing, who wouldn't get depressed/anxious, etc.?

Families don't stay together... they move all over the world and rarely see each other. People seem to enjoy text messaging instead of having a face-to-face conversation. Everyone has become distrustful of everyone else. Yada yada yada we all know what's wrong with the world so I'll stop there.

Can we blame it on over-population? Technology? And what is the solution?

Good questions. Any thoughts?

I guess being conscious of it is a good first step. All I know is it seems the more people we have, the more pretty pills are invented. People are becoming the disease.

I think a lot of the technology has been a good thing: because of phones, vehicles, and internet, more people can stay in touch - no need to feel so lonely with all that possibility of connection. But there's always another side to the coin: too much connection is just as bad as too much anything I would think - too little or too much of anything can have bad consequences. And a lot of the connection going on is not true connection, just niceties in the guise of connection.

We are over-populated and lonely as hell. Oddly enough, it is a choice. Everything is a choice. Even waking up to it is a choice.

Now I shall go away and ponder how all of this effects me personally, and see if I can't make my own mental health just a little bit better.

I leave you with this video to chew on:





-Love Marylin.

Oh Look, She's Being Melodramatic Again.

I need to do the dishes. I need to do the laundry. I need to go to the market. I need to get a haircut. I need to do my taxes. I need to trim George's nails. I need to buy paint. I need to mail the book I sold almost a month ago. I need to shave. I need to make some phone calls. I need to get my prescriptions. I need to arrange for a new place to have my writer's meetings. I need to find out what's going on with my domain. I need to do my passport application. I need to buy some new clothes. I need to work on my book and my art. I need to meditate. I need to breathe. I need to do this.

I need to insure that the scars on my arms remain scars and I need to insure that everything I do from now on is going to be loud enough.

I need to be loud or I need to go away... rest. I don't want to become one of those people whose presence everyone dreads because maybe I'm not feeling so chipper. But what am I supposed to do? Everyone tells me what I need to do, what they think I should do, and they all say the same thing... but I can't do what they ask of me and I don't know if they really understand why.

But I am one of the most naive people I know so what if I am suffering for a cause I created in my own weird mind?

I don't know, but I can't do what you ask of me, not right now. Not while the cause still feels right. Because it wouldn't help anyway, it would take me to an even worse place.

Maybe I should just give in and get some pills. I hear you can just take them when you need them, which is much better than doing it regularly. I don't want to be on too many pills - I don't want to become a zombie who takes meds to medicate the ills of my other meds. I'll do some research online about them after I'm done posting.

Anyway, I simply refuse to let this take control of me again. I'm still fighting to improve my life from the mess it left before. I called my hairdresser this morning to make an appointment for next week and had a god damn anxiety attack over it. Fuck that! I'll do almost anything it takes to insure that that shit goes away... just tell me what I have to do please.

Seriously. Tell me.


-Love Marylin.

Oh Lord Won't You Buy Me....

Soy yogurt kicks dairy yogurt's ass! Seriously it's so yummy.

Anyway, I need a pantry/cabinet type thing! I've been looking for one for a while with no luck. I've tried people I know, Kijiji, and Freecycle. I neeeeeed one people!

Something like this or similar:

Today's the full moon - good stuff.

I can't stand looking in my coffee cup to find it empty... it's such a disappointing thing.

Hmm I think I'd like to rant a bit...

My momentary topic of choice is a popular one for me: the health system! DUN DUN!

To make a very very long story short, I have (another) useless doctor who is being replaced. I'm very excited about this because there's always the chance this new guy will be decent and I can actually have a HEALER rather than a business person treat my health.

My last appointment with the useless doctor was around two months ago and she said we should have received a letter in the mail regarding her replacement. I still haven't gotten any letter and they were late two months ago. I obviously don't expect to receive one. How very professional. I called the doc's office about a month ago to see if I could schedule an appointment with the replacement doctor (since the current doctor would be gone) and they said no I couldn't. So I'm basically without a doctor (quite a familiar feeling actually).

Luckily, I don't get "sick" and am not dieing or anything, but I am disabled (fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis) which means I should be looked after on a regular basis to see how things are progressing, if I'm in too much pain, etc etc.

I've never had that. And to top it off, disability doesn't really care if I do, as long as I HAVE a doctor.

I just wanna be treated! By a professional! It's all well and good if I can treat myself (I'm not a medication fan) but I am not a certified doctor! lol There are things I don't know about that a doctor does (should) and I think I'm entitled as a Canadian citizen to have that, no?

I would really really like to see a Naturopath... they seem to be true healers as they treat the WHOLE person and not just try to band aid over the symptoms. But even though they have as much, if not more, education than an MD, the government refuses to cover the expenses of seeing a Naturopath. Oh my, those Naturopaths won't use our lovely chemical-licious drugs, they won't make us any money, screw them and all the people who would benefit from their healing.

May I remind people that the original medicine comes from the earth? The earth provides us with EVERYTHING we need. The only reason you have your disgusting drugs is because you twisted the earth's medicine into something you thought was better.

Doctors used to be healers. Not anymore. The more patients they can squeeze in, the more moola they make. The more prescriptions they dole out, the more money they make. They don't get bonuses for healing though.

You have a pain in your side? Here take two of these a day.

The pain pills are making you nauseous? Here, take these pills as well.

You say the pain in your side hurts a little less but now you're losing feeling in your fingers?

Anyway, you get the point. And the point is that the very reason you had the pain in your side is totally ignored. Aches, pains, etc are your bodies super cool natural way of letting you know there is something wrong with it. It is asking to be healed, not bombarded with chemicals that create even worse problems.

*sigh*

Yes it's a mess.

I'll stop - unless you'd like to read a whole book on it :P

So when and if I ever get to see this replacement doctor, he had better be good because my options are running out.

I will spend the money on a Naturopath, but I shouldn't have to... I really can't afford it, but what are my choices? Seriously, tell me...

Alright, enough of this, I'll leave you with a little poem for your amusement.

Fate Of The Muse

At my lap you sit and stare
In my hands you leave your care
And I extend myself to you
So in my thoughts and all I do
For you to grow and heal and thrive
It is your muse, I have arrived.
And through my love you grow to be
The person you've been trying to be

In my bed you lie and stare
Amazed of lust that is so rare
But you have grown and now you see
You cannot give your love to me
It must be false, the love you feel
And mine cannot be very real
There must be more than what I've shown
A muse must forever be alone.

-Love Marylin.

When No One Was Looking

Well I just had a good visit with my friend Brenda from elementary school: I don't get to see her too often because she lives in a different town and I don't drive, not to mention she's quite busy planning her upcoming wedding!

I don't have many close friends, but the few I do have are precious. I believe you don't need an army of friends in your life to feel loved, a few good ones are juuuuust fine.

I went to an information session today for psychiatry services at the local hospital - if you don't attend, they knock you off the waiting list and it takes FOREVER to get in.

I've been trying to get in for years, and something always happens, usually due to the stupidity of the system and all of that good stuff, but that's the story of my life - the system doesn't work, especially for Marylin lol.

Aaaanyway, it was informative and due to the lack of attendees, it looks like my remaining wait time won't be too horribly long anymore.

Good.

Get me some proper help so I can learn the tools I need in life to cope so I don't have to waste valuable resources and depend on yucky mind-numbing medications that only act as a band-aid.

The kicker is that at no point in my life have I needed this help LESS than I do right now. But I know that if I don't get it, I will just repeat old patterns and again the meds thing, no thanks.

I've blogged before, probably on many occasions about the health care system and its many flaws. I'll probably blog about it alot more in the future, lol.

Granted, we have it better than the United States, but the actual priorities of the system just make zero sense.

ODSP will pay for prescription medications but they won't pay the $5 cab fare for me to go to Aqua Aerobics, despite the fact that different doctors have told me that would be the most helpful thing for me.

They will pay for the "band-aid" remedies, but not the permanent solutions, who knows why? They're just perpetuating the cycle, doing no one any good. Do you think I enjoy living off of people's taxes? They aren't doing much to help me get out that situation.

I have yet to find a decent doctor. My present doctor is basically like not having a doctor at all because she's rarely available.

I'm supposed to be seeing my doctor on a regular basis to monitor the health issues that cause me to even be on disability, but I'm certainly not and no one seems to care.

Because of the lack of good doctors around, I would really like to see a Naturopath - they treat the WHOLE person, no band-aids, thank you. But they are not covered, of course.

Heaven forbid that a simple, inexpensive herb might do a world of good for someone because it's not "real" medicine.

Disgusting.

No more ranting for today though, I'm in a good mood!

"Every pleasures got an edge of pain, pay for your ticket and don't complain."

- Bob Dylan

-Love Marylin.

My Half Japanese Bastard Child

Out with the old, in with the new.

Not since before I moved into my former house (March 2007) have I felt motivated and able to "get shit done."

I've just finished an intensive spring cleaning and my life is on a better, clearer path.

I finished the spring cleaning in time for today's new moon, so I topped it off with a releasing of old crap in my life, a cleansing of my home, and then a burning of healing incense.

Exhale.

Life is good. We are all on our paths and I feel good knowing I'm actually ON my path as opposed to the bulk of society who've strayed seemingly permanently - looks like zombie town. Feels odd being lucid around the foggy and lost.

Some goals I'm working on: My health.

Not until now have I had the inner strength to take hold on my health problems and REALLY do something about them. Because doctors are no longer really doctors and I have some permanent disabilities, it is difficult, but the goal is to not have to depend on those "doctors." It will take a while but it can be done.

On that note, no longer needing the one medication I'm on is also going to happen - and the sooner the better because it makes me foggier, less alert, and dumber than I naturally am and that won't due.

These are not pipe dreams, I have plans of action! :P

Career wise, I have a few fear hurtles to get over that are slowly being tested. I need to work through those.

My spirituality has settled into a better, more evolved place. It is very intuitively focused, nature focused, healing of myself, others, and the earth focused.

I seem to have evolved out of the need for specific deities or archetypes of spirit and am perfectly comfortable with the basic energy spirit aspects.

Some people need to rely on gods and goddesses, which is great and I'm still very into that, but they can become a crutch for many, which isn't healthy.

I've very much adapted what is referred to as 'living simply.' I'll post more about that soon, but it is really fulfilling, really helpful to the environment, and very easy on the wallet.

Anyway, I must end this entry on an adorable not, with a pic I just took of my cat George, mid-mew:



-Love Marylin.