So I'm Moving

Soon, too.  I haven't moved in at least five years, which is the longest I've gotten to stay put in my entire adult life.  I hate moving constantly, I am a home-body and like the stability of staying in one place and making it into a nice home to live.  So I'm glad I haven't moved, or had to move especially, in a long time.  I know I'm moving now, but the reason this doesn't suck is because it is a place in the same building I'm already in and my living arrangements are vastly improving, not the other way around.

But since it's been a while, I am feeling pretty overwhelmed with the actual process of moving, especially because a.)I don't have a lot of time to pack and move, and b.)I'm feeling like crap these days and in the state of mind that has trouble handling much stress as it is.  Cannot. process. this.  Seems simple, yet I'm having issues dealing.  Ugh, I'm tired.

I should be getting excited and planning out how I'm gonna set my new place up and all that good stuff - that is typical me, but I guess I've really gotten used to being here and am having some anxiety about having to set up a whole new home.  Where will I put shit? lol I know it's fucked up.

The difference between where I am now and where I will be:

This Place is a bachelor one bedroom.  I'm not even sure what that means, but it translates into a very small apartment with a small bedroom.  Totally grateful to have it.

The New Place is a normal one bedroom.  It is, to me, quite huge, and has one ginormous bedroom.  When I say 'ginormous bedroom' I am highly understating: this bedroom is the size of two large rooms.  It's fucking huge.  It's way too big to use as just a bedroom.  To me, a bedroom doesn't need to be big at all because it is for sleeping and doing sexy things and that's pretty much it, so you really just need a bed and night- table and maybe a little dresser or something.

This Place has a small bathroom with a shower, but not tub.

The New Place has a really big bathroom with a tub.  This is one of the biggest reasons I like this place - the tub.  I love baths so much, and often need them for pain reasons.  I've borrowed Jodie's tub and my mum's tub and Brian's tub, but it's still not the same as having your own tub to use any time, day or night, in lovely silence, with all your bath salts and what-nots... ahhhhh. 

This Place has a tiny, oddly shaped living room.  It is so small and weirdly arranged that I've never been able to make it work for much.  For about two years now, I've had my bed in there and it's pretty much all it's good for.  So I don't have a living room.  It sucks cause there's no where for company to sit or anything :-/ So I don't really have anyone over.

The New Place has a huge living room.  And it's arranged well too.  So that's awesomeness. But since I have no living room furniture, I'm not sure what I will do in there. It would be nice to be able to have people over.  Space = nice.

This Place has a coat closet and a linen closet sized closet with shelves in it.  So I've kept my clothing in the coat closet and I use the small closet for art supplies and paper stuff.

The New Place has a coat closet, a really big storage closet, and a normal bedroom closet.  I'm really going up in the world! :-p

This Place has a pretty good sized kitchen. 

The New Place has a small, galley style kitchen. I kinda like the new kitchen better because it's out of the way (hard to explain), you can't see the kitchen from anywhere in the apartment unless you go into it, it's kinda cute, and so much less space to create messiness :-p

So this place is sweet and I'm pretty stoked about it being my new home.  Just not sure what to do with it.  I have a few basic 'areas' that I need in my home so I have to figure out where these areas will be situated:  I need a bedroom, a living room, an office/studio, and hopefully a zen-type space.  I will probably put a curtain or something up in the huge bedroom to separate it into two areas, one will be the bedroom and the other will probably be the office/studio, though I'm not sure yet.

I kinda want to set the work area up in the living room but I also know that work can = mess and would rather not have that mess in the middle of the living room.  If I had it in the bedroom I could easily close the door on and make it 'disappear' lol.  But I think it would be kind of weird to have a peaceful, relaxing bedroom and a busy, cluttered work space so close to each other.  Will a curtain be enough to keep the spaces sufficiently separate? I'll know better once I actually get in there I guess.

I'm excited and overwhelmed... eeep! Just a few more weeks! Halp!


<3 M

It's The Moon I Tells Ya, The Moon!

< update >

NaNoWriMo:

It is day 9, halfway through the second week and all I have written is 844 words.  I started writing on day 1 and went into panic mode.  This never happened in the last two years I participated, but this year I am suffering especially from depression and high anxiety.  Not because of NaNoWriMo, but because of the S.A.D., the medication adjustment a few months ago, and some other things going on in my life (worries and whatnot).

I haven't been able to bring myself to write anymore.  The document has sat open on my task bar since November 1st.  I just closed it though.  Even though I am so behind I still had a faint hope of catching up, which under normal circumstances would be hard but not impossible.  But I just found out today that I am probably moving on December 1st.

It bothers me that I wasn't able to accomplish it this year, but I'm going to try to write my ass off in 2012 to make up for it.

'Space Project':

I got really far, actually I only needed to put some art on the wall and it's done.  If I can get my camera to work soon I'll post a photo, but I see no point in continuing the project since I'm moving in about three weeks.  I will create my space in the new place (along with many other things) and will blog all about it.

< /update >


<3 M

Don't Drink The Wormwood!

I set the timer for three 15 minute intervals in a row: do you have any idea how much you can get accomplished in 15 minutes?  It's ridiculous.  I kept having to check the timer to see if it was broken because it seems like it should have gone off already.  Nope.  I got a lot more done than I set out to do because of this little trick - but more importantly, I got off my ass and started.  Fifteen minutes.  Mind you for more physical jobs like cleaning the apartment I think ten minutes may be a better idea, depending on my pain levels that day, because I found myself needing to sit around the ten minute mark.  But I pushed on I did!

Then I made myself a Swanson's microwave dinner and Mel came over.

And like the magi she is, she brought me frankincense and myrrh. This is the same friend whose handfasting I was at last Saturday, the one who was married by Santa :-D

I made a pot of wormwood tea.  Have you ever had wormwood tea?  It tastes like you're chewing aspirin.  No exaggeration. In fact, it's possibly worse than that. I got the stuff from Brian, who told me it was not possible to finish a whole cup of the stuff because of how nasty it tastes.  I had to test this theory, plus I wanted to see what effects it would have since it is well known for its ability to bring altered states and enhance the third eye etc. and since we were going to do readings, that would have been fitting. So we did our best to tolerate the horrific taste (with O.J. chasers).  I managed to finish half a cup, Mel was a real trooper and managed to finish all of hers.

The effects were good but not THAT good. Not good enough to repeat. I'll take my wormwood in incense form, thank you.

It was a nice, witchy night.

There's a story about her earrings that I find interesting:

Mel's step-mother gave her a pair of earrings that were owned by her sister.

The sister's name was Dana "Poppy" Pastori.  Poppy was her slave name.  She was planning to leave her bf/Master but I guess he didn't want to release her because instead, he strangled her and chopped her up into pieces which he then mummified and shoved into a box.

Her body was in that box for three years and then came Hurricane Katrina.  That's when her body was discovered.  He had kept her with him, even BROUGHT HER WITH HIM when he and his new gf moved.

Now he's in prison.

And her sister (Mel's step-mother) gave Mel the earrings that Dana had been wearing in that box the whole three years.  She told Mel she wanted her sister's spirit to "live with her."

So now Mel has these earrings...

Before mentioning any of this, Mel asked me to tell her what I felt from them (psychically).  That was on Saturday right before she was handfasted.  I felt nervous excitement.  Then I felt like the oxygen was cut off from my head and my ears started ringing.  So Mel then told me a bit about where they came from.

I held them again tonight, this time I felt like I was being pushed down and had a cutting pain in my arm right above the elbow.  Then Mel filled me in on a lot more of the details about these earrings.

I asked why her step-mother would want her sister's spirit to live with her rather than to move on - kinda weird don't ya think? But as the step-mother wished, Dana's spirit seems to now be hanging around Mel.  At least that's what she tells me.  But at least she's trying to help the woman move on, and I find it pretty cool that she seems to mainly be doing so in her dreams (yay dreams!).

Now there's a good lesson for all you Dom(me)s and Masters/Mistresses out there: if your slave wants to be released, it means s/he wants to end things, it does not mean you should go mental and pull an "if I can't have you, no one will" or something equally as psycho.

P.S. I love you Master! mwa!


<3 M

Flustergasted

 I've asked Brian to call me in the morning because a.)It's a hell of a lot nicer to wake up to him saying he loves me than it is to wake up to an alarm clock that makes me want to hide under the covers and b.)I've found it gets me up on a positive note that I carry throughout the day.  Today was the first day with him doing that.  It worked alright. I'll admit I went back to sleep for twenty minutes and the alarm woke me up the second time, but he asked me to meet him on messenger and I knew if I didn't he'd be calling again so at least I had a reason to get my ass out of bed.  I was really nervous that I wouldn't last the day without wanting to crawl back into bed but so far so good.

And my friend Mel is coming over this evening now so I have a reason not to go back to bed as well as a reason to tidy up around here.  We'll be doing some readings and whatnot.

But before the tidying up, I decided to set my timer for 15 minutes and work on my space.  The good news is that the job is easier than I thought and I worked on it for more like a half and hour cause I was sort of enjoying it.  It will take me way less time than I anticipated, which is awesomeness.

The bad news is that I made some messes while working and now I feel like my place is a bit overwhelming to have to tidy up.  I overwhelm easily.  I think if I set my timer again to 15 minutes like I did with the other project, I'll have an easier time feeling like I can actually tackle the job.  Mhmm yep.

The weekend is approaching way too soon... I have socializing planned and I don't feel ready to crawl out from my cave  yet.  Ah well.  Off I go to tidy.


<3 M

The World Is Upspydown

 I was nervous about my gyno appointment today because they're gonna stick a microscope inside me and see what's goin' on in there.  Turns out my appointment isn't till the 16th and that today's appointment was just a regular doctor's appointment.  So I went. And the receptionist informed me that my appointment is in fact tomorrow, not today O_O

I am fighting to stay out of bed.  I can't explain how hard it is.  And I don't have the mental or physical energy to do anything much while I am awake.

Now that the complaining portion of our program is complete...

I went to my friend Mel's handfasting this past Saturday.  It was a small, private ceremony.  It made me want to get married! :-p  The ceremony was performed by a man who is also the head Santa Claus of Hamilton, as I'm told.  I was also in his coven for a while.  I'd love to tell people that Santa Claus performed my wedding lol.

In all seriousness though, it was quite beautiful.  Here's a photo of the altar, taken by one of the guests:

Pretty!  It was awesomeness.  Congratulations Mike and Mel <3

In other news, I have a simple goal - Create a nice space here:

It's been sitting there like that for about two months or so now.  It's not that it's a difficult task, it's just that I haven't done it yet, don't know why, just haven't.  And I don't know when it will get done if I don't actually PLAN to do it.  So that's what I'm going to do.

According to the SMART Goal model, I have to be Specific and know exactly what it is I'm trying to achieve (what will it look like when I'm done), it has to be Measurable so I can track my progress (how will I know I am getting it done?), it has to be something Attainable that I can actually achieve (do I have the time, energy, and resources to get this done?), it has to be Relevant (do I even care if this is done?), and it has to be planned with a Time-frame in mind (what days will I work on this and for what amount of time? when will this be finished?).

Specific

I want to organize the space to create a place where I can sit and relax, read, meditate, etc.  I want it to be clutter-free and peaceful.  I want to put things up on the wall.

Measurable

When I am satisfied that I have done a decent job, when the space makes me feel the way I want to feel in it, I will know I have achieved the goal.

Attainable

Though I would prefer to paint the wall, get an area rug, and perhaps a different piece of furniture, I don't have the resources to do those things in the next few months.  But I still want to do something with the space rather than have it sit there looking cluttered and being useless, so I am using what I already have to do the best I can with it.  I believe a two month deadline for this job is more than reasonable.

Relevant

This goal is very relevant. I want a nice home and this space not being done is keeping that from happening.

Time-frame

I will spend a minimum of 15 minutes every weekday working on this.  I can spend more time if I want to, but 15 minutes is all that is required of me.  This goal will be completed on or before December 31st, 2011.

If I knew I really wanted to do this but was really lacking in motivation, I might list the pros and cons of achieving the goal.

I know it seems silly to be this detailed for such a seemingly small endeavor, but I really need to practice this stuff.  And like I said, this project is not gonna go anywhere if I don't turn the "gonna do" into "gonna do at this time and date."

I'll let you know how it goes.


<3 M

Too Tired To Title

I. am. exhausted.

I totally lost it this weekend - something in me decided I didn't wanna deal with the pain I was going through (being reject #539 'er something) and so I didn't: instead, I pulled an old favourite and got myself and nice and wasted at around three in the afternoon on Saturday.  Being drunk and angry just feels so much better than sober and pathetic and in too much pain to be conscious.  I was quite trashed and decided I had to get out of the apartment, so, feeling nice and self-destructive, I narrowed my options and decided to head to Corktown to see Randy and Mr. Lahey (from the Trailer Park Boys).  So I wobbled over there, flask full of whiskey hidden in my purse (and bottle of Ativan just in case?) and actually had a pretty good time - the show was funny and as drunk as I was, I remember some of it - even standing with the rest of the patrons to sing 'Oh, Canada' after the 'boys' poked fun at those silly people requesting the lyric change (it's not hard to feel at least a little patriotic after those beautiful Olympic games).

Anyway, after that a few guys I know from a band got up and played a set with a new band they're in (Radio Free Universe: members include fellas from Bombshell and the guy from King Clansey) so that was okay.  Then closing time.  That's where things got ridiculous.

Some dude asked if he could share the cab with me cause he lives just a few blocks from where I'm going so I said sure why not.  That was a really stupid move apparently because all he did was get out of the cab at the same place as me and followed me into my fucking apartment building.  So I was fucking stuck in my apartment lobby with this really creepy guy who wanted to come to my apartment with me and kept calling me a bitch cause I was saying 'no, leave' meanwhile trying to grope and kiss me.  Then he drags me on the elevator! so I obviously refused to press any buttons cause I didn't want him knowing where I live (obviously).  After I don't know how long (and after flashing me in said elevator) he got fed up with the elevator business and tried pulling me into a stairwell.  But as wasted as I was, I was able to fight (thank gods).  Oh did I mention he grabbed my keys from me and wouldn't give them back?

Finally after about an hour of this torture he left and I booted my ass up to my apartment and locked the doors.

The next day was a hang-over and that same yuckiness that was intolerable the day before, except this time no drinky poo (as Mr. Lahey would put it).  I slept a good chunk of it away, then later on dealt with some unpleasantness and shed the damn tears I was trying so hard to avoid in the first place.  What a train wreck.  I'm pretty sure anyone talking to me lately thinks I'm a nut bag unless of course you already know me, then you already know I'm a nut bag.  Well, at least I learn from it all, that's something.

So after little to no sleep last night I had to get up early for an assessment to get into the eating disorders clinic here in Hamilton.  I pressed snooze at least ten times and felt like pure shit.  The assessment consisted of me sitting in this psychiatrist lady's office while she asked me about everything from my childhood to my suicidal tendencies and everything in between for about two and a half hours.  By the time we were done, I was completely drained and a little depressed because I had just talked about my life for two and a half hours and it was all really shitty stuff so it made me feel like I've had a really negative life.

As much as my apartment needs to be cleaned and that article needs to be written for Buttercup, there was no way.  I slept pretty much all day and it was very much needed.  And this is a big chunk of why I. am. exhausted.  No wonder it feels alien when I tell people my age cause I sure feel like I've been stuck at 13 forever.  I am so jealous of people who know how to live and people who know how not to fuck shit up and people who are reading this blog feeling sorry for me because they can't imagine being so miserably stupid.  And now I'm starting to make myself sick with my whining so I'll move on.

I do have some positive things to talk about.  I got a guitar!  Sean brought it over about a half hour ago and I've decided to relearn.  Yay!  Maybe when I'm 40 I'll be a rock star ;o)  I don't know how to read music - I learn by watching and listening because of course I like to do things the hard way.  I used to know so many freaking songs - I knew almost every Hole song too!  Damnit I wish I could remember.

What else, I needs monies.  I'm usually good with monies but I'm so tight this month and it's a really bad month to be broke cause I have two writer's meetings and a few shows I just have to go to.  Thursday I'm heading to 'This Ain't Hollywood'  to see '13 Bags of Dick' and 'Allysa In The Apple Tree.'  On the 20th I'm going to see 'Steel Mountie' at 'Bread And Roses.'   'Rackula' is having a CD release at the 'Casbah' on the 27th and I think that's it (I hope so cause I have no money! Please donate - I will show you my bra strap [no, I am not kidding]).  I need to do my damn taxes.

Alright, here's hoping for better days ahead.

xoxoxo




Love M

Gross Negligence

I'm very sore and tired but happy because I got a lot done today. Things seem to be settling down a bit so I'm just getting back into the groove of it all - blogging included. I feel icky when I go too long without blogging.

This summer has been interesting, weather-wise, and it's almost at an end. I've done a whole lotta work on my self in the past few months and it's been rigorous stuff coming out of my comfort zone. But I'm doing good and I'm only getting better from here.

I've been working on a top sekret project with Sunny and six others since before the summer and it's finally come to fruition: The Buttercup E-zine's premiere issue came out on September 1st and has been going very well so far.

What it is is an online community (forums, groups, chats, photo sharing, etc. etc.) that publishes articles throughout the month and allows a platform for discussion about those articles. That's part of what makes it unique.

We offer a female-focused (male friendly) atmosphere, 100% bullshit free, diverse, creative, and growing by the day.

Anyway, I'm loving it. You should join too ;o)

(Man, it's hard to blog and eat corn on the cob at the same time. Hard, but not impossible!)

I'm not really sure what to say right now, so I think I'll just apologize for the neglecting of the blog and mosey on over to Buttercup and see what people are talking about.

Be good!

-Love M.