Be Kind To Yourself

(flowers I  bought myself)

<3 M

Step 1: Love VS Pity

Q: What is the difference between pity and love?

A: Pity is when you feel bad for someone and treat them gentler than you would otherwise.  You allow people you pity to get away with more because you feel they desere a break bcause of what they've gone through. 

Love is when you are happy being with a person because who they are touches you to your core and you want to nurture that experience.  Love is a feeling of joy while pity feels something closer to guilt.


<3 M

Waking Up

Excerpts on realizing you're on a roller-coaster ride and didn't even know you bought the ticket...

...I’ve been really low, lower than usual, in a really dark and confusing place and no idea why.

Then I had a strange experience: when I looked around me, I could see underneath things, like under the surface kind of thing and it made me realize a lot of it was an illusion – an illusion of things being okay, an illusion of control/manageability, an illusion of a true life. I know it sounds crazy, but it was pretty powerful and shook me up but I had no idea what to make of it at the time.

It felt like something woke up inside me and was pissed off and confused. It felt like the real me had been trapped or asleep inside of me and now it was waking up and wondering why she was living someone else’s life – like the person I am now is not the person I really am inside – I’m not living the life the true me wants to live. I felt like the real me had been possessed by someone/thing and didn’t realize it until now, and that upset her because she wasn’t sure how to free herself.

...it felt like the universe sucker punched me in the stomach and I started to cry and to mourn myself... I read about how having a partner with ADD can make you a shell of a person (for various reasons but mainly because of how crazy it makes you trying to deal with it), how it gives you the ‘frog in the pot’ syndrome, how it makes you isolate for various reasons, how it makes you accept so much unacceptable behaviour that you no longer know the difference and start questioning your own boundaries and expectations for proper treatment ...about how being in a relationship with an ADD partner is not much different than being in a relationship with an alcoholic... about no longer having goals for the future because you’ve been too busy dealing with the craziness.

All the work... all the sacrifice and tolerance, it did help quite a bit – in the more recent months the roller-coaster has stopped taking so many turns so often – life has become bearable – but I also realized we’ve been stagnant. I spent so much energy getting to this point that once things started improving enough for me to relax a little bit, I became too afraid to rock the boat by expecting anything more than tolerable. And that isn’t good enough. We stopped working on things as actively and became stagnant - not going forward at all, just existing. 

I got terrified and it jolted something in me.

It woke me up.





<3 M

When I Wake Up, In My Make Up

Today is pretty much a write-off.  Not gonna get any of the things done that I wanted to.  But that's okay.  At least that's what I'm telling myself.  The world is not going to esplode or anything because I wasn't able to make the daily quota.  Gonna go to bed early, hopefully wake up with some energy and make up for today's idleness.

Brian came to visit me this morning.  It's good to have a reason to get out of bed.  We kind of messed up the bed a lot though :-p  He brought me coffee and carrot cake and love.  He tries to give me love even though I'm really hard to love when I am down in the dumps as I am.  He is awesome.

Then I went to the doctor's.  And on my way there it occurred to me that three months ago I took it upon myself to lower my dosage of Celexa from 30mg to 20mg.

I've been trying to decipher exactly why my depression right now is as strong as it is because it feels much worse than the usual onset of S.A.D. and my life situation is not that bad.  So I don't know why it took me so long to put two and two together.  My brain is annoying funny sometimes.

So I'm kinda hoping this is the reason for the depression and that once I go back to taking my old dosage I will start to improve.  Crossing my fingers on that one. Gonna start tomorrow.

P.S. I need a new webcam, the one I have is pretty much useless and I want to have Skype dates with Brian.  Please to point me in the direction of a decent, inexpensive cam?


<3 M

The Summer Is Tricksy

I don't like the way my body/mind plays tricks on me during the light half of the year: what I mean is, every spring I start to 'come back to life' - I wake up from depression and low energy, I start to feel good and I start to really live the way I try so hard to live throughout the entire year but never seem to be able to during the dark half of the year.  This is, of course, wonderful.  The bad part about it this particular year is that never before have I worked so hard on improving myself than I have this past year and things are starting to really come together for me, slowly but surely.  My worry is whether or not it is only because it's spring and not because my hard work is paying off.  If it's only because it's spring, then I'm bound to fall once again when November comes around and that would really really suck because I'm so sick of the struggle.  But if it's not just a coincidence, well then that's a huge deal for me.

After severe anxiety, worry, and fear I finally FINALLY started going to the YWCA to exercise.  I almost passed out from panic just going there to sign up.  But something strange happened when I actually went to the gym to work out - as I was working my poor neglected muscles/body, I came to the realization that I was actually enjoying myself... I've told myself my whole life that I hate exercise, that exercise and I never got along, that I was born that way.  This is true in a way: I was, since birth, a very sedentary person, preferring to live in my head rather than do much moving.  But now I realize why I thought I hated exercise so much that it was making it next to impossible to start and keep to any kind of regiment: I have osteoarthritis and fibromylagia - both of those diseases are about pain, pain, and pain.  I'm in constant pain.  So whenever I've tried to exercise, it hurt like a bitch!  No wonder I didn't want to do it.  Turns out though, that if I stay away from the high impact stuff (cause that damages my joints and makes my disease worse) and make sure I'm not hurting myself in the "bad way," then it's actually enjoyable!  It still hurts, but it hurts in the way that it's supposed to hurt, the way exercise hurts any normal healthy person, that wonderful burn that tells you you're making your body stronger.  I actually like exercise, who knew?

I'm very eager now, I want to do so much, so I'm having to force myself to take my time so I don't overdo it and hurt myself or set myself up for failure.  I wish I had discovered this years ago, but you can't change the past.  So far I'm spending an hour at the gym three days a week.  Next week I'm going to start adding swimming (like aqua therapy, water jogging, etc) to my routine.  Eventually I want to be working out at least five days a week and I'd like to do some of the yoga and pilates classes they offer as well.  What a huge breakthrough for me!

I've been terrified for quite a few years now of starting any kind of routine in my life because in the past I have always failed and after so many times failing, you start to feel defeated and hopeless.  I haven't had structure in my life since I was in high school, and even then it wasn't very structured so I'm having to relearn how to do it in almost every aspect of my life.  I have severe "all or nothing" thinking, so that poses a challenge all on its own - it's like learning to live from scratch in a way.  But I have a kick-ass therapist and she suggested having a plan for failure: a simple concept yet I never thought of it.  I always thought I should just be able to pick up and start again if I failed, but it's not always that simple, and having an actual plan to follow is such a great concept and makes me feel more secure in being able to succeed.

So there's that.

In other news, I love plants.  Every single spring for years and years I attempt a garden on my balcony and every single year I kill my plants.  In the past I always thought it was because I end up neglecting them when I get depressed (which is true too), but this year I've realized, sadly, that I kind of don't really like gardening, and I'm kind of not very good at it lol.  I wouldn't say I have a brown thumb, but I'm having to accept that I should stop trying to have a damn garden and just buy the organic produce from those who know what they're doing.  I have a few plants out there now so we'll so how those do, but after this, I'm gonna go steal Sunny's tomatoes ;o)

What else is going on... my best friend is moving to another city :o(  This is really hard for  me, really really hard.  A  year ago I would be in bed crying all day and night planning my own demise over this, but I've grown a fuck-tonne and I will be okay.  It's going to be hard though, he's more than just a best friend, if that makes any sense.  And I guess after a year and half I should meet the girlfriend...  I'm kind of proud of us though - we managed to stay close friends after all the turmoil and heartache and through such difficult circumstances when it really would have been easier ultimately to go our separate ways, we knew the value of our friendship and chose the path less traveled in order to keep each other in our lives.  Who knew it could be done?  The hard stuff is still not over yet, but I think the majority of it is definitely behind us.  Here's hoping the future rewards us!


Love M

Baby Got Back

K I feel like writing so here we go.

On the subject of FAT...

 I am.  duh.  I was a chubby little girl until I hit puberty, at which point I naturally thinned out.  To tell you the truth, I didn't really notice: as far as I know, I thought I was the same size the whole time (chubby or even fat, even when I was not).  So anyway, I thinned out and was pretty damn hot (looking back, of course you never realize it at the time - don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?).  I still thought I was fat though, not huge but definitely "big boned," which is why dieting was always in the back of my mind, always always always.  Looking back I can't beleive how sick that was, that I thought I was fat when I was so not: I was damn fine and healthy too.  Nonetheless, I remember putting a picture I'd cut out of a magazine on the fridge of a super skinny model - inspiration to lose weight, I said.

So then what happened?  Well, first of all, at some point along the way ( think I was either thirteen or fifteen but can't remember at the moment) I "discovered" emotional eating.  Well I didn't know that's what it was at the time, but I discovered it nonetheless.  Luckily it wasn't something I did too often and it didn't effect my weight too much, probably because I was still somewhat active and healthy.  It's no coincidence that this discovery of emotional eating came around the same time as I was becoming unknowingly depressed.  I won't go into what was going on and why that added to the depression but just that it was something I was unaware of, I just thought I was weird and super sensitive (I am both those things, but I was also depressed lol).

What's weird about being depressed in my house is that every single person in my family has some mental disorder or another (usually various) but no one said anything to me about possibly being depressed, nothing.  Not sure why, but I've always been a bit bitter about that.  Back to the topic.

Now, when I was somewhere in my mid teens I fell disgustingly deep in love with a good friend of mine.  This caused me a lot of turmoil and inevitably ended in heartbreak for me.  How badly was I hurt?  Let's just say I only just got over it a few years ago, and I am currently twenty-eight.  I got so depressed (still didn't know I had depression btw) that I eventually left my job and school (on the same day) and slowly but surely began shutting the world out, becoming a hermit, pretty much.

And this is where that wonderful thing called emotional eating came in handy.  I embraced that coping mechanism, consciously knowing that I would probably gain weight and not caring (because what's the point in looking and feeling good if you don't see any hope for the future?).  With the mixture of inactivity and emotional eating, I, of course, did start gaining and I still didn't care.  I'm sure I cared on some level but at the time I was too depressed to care.  That's how hopeless I felt.

I eventually got to the point where I started to suspect there might be something wrong going on and made an appointment with the doctor.  This is when I found out that I did indeed have depression.  They diagnosed me with bipolar (because I would go into deep deep depression and then mania) and anxiety and gave me some pills.

By this time I had a full-out eating disorder and was discovering that even though I didn't want to gain weight anymore, it was starting to become out of my control (that's the best way I can put it I think).  And I was still depressed. And I didn't know how to get control of my eating again, I just thought I was weak and pathetic.  I kept gaining weight.

Then, in my early twenties I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and osteoarthritis.  No wonder physical activity was so hard, I thought I was just lazy.  Try and lose weight when you're severely depressed, have an eating disorder, and have physical disabilities.  Right, sounds fun eh? 

So I became double the size I used to be - the size of two of me.  And trying to lose weight the whole time by dieting dieting dieting and trying to exercise.  The dieting wasn't so hard as the exercise, for obvious reasons, but the mental turmoil one goes through when struggling with body image issues is a sickness I wish upon no one - yoyo dieting, all diets that are extremely unhealthy, for years.  None of them worked.  Diets don't work.  I knew that, I knew it had to be a permanent lifestyle change, but by then I was so deep into the cycle of punishing myself for failing by starving myself, then inevitably binging out of starvation and comfort.  I now understand that this becomes a mental disorder that only gets worse.

And so I kept trying and the harder I tried, the more weight I gained.  I know that doesn't make any sense, but if you're in such a sick cycle it just keeps making you sicker and making things more distorted and eating away at your self-worth and that forbidden comfort food becomes no different than a drug addiction.  The only difference is that you have to eat, which makes it harder to avoid.

And that's why I'm fat.  Mind you, I don't think being fat is necessarily bad - we all have some amount of fat on our bodies, it's just when you have too much that it can take a toll on your health.  If I were able to lose weight (let's hope so!) I wouldn't want to be skinny, I'd want to be pleasantly plump, as they say.  That's just me.

There are many judgments about fat people, and I can understand why: it's a simple scientific formula - burn more calories than you consume and lose weight.  Unfortunately, when an eating disorder develops, when there's severe depression going on, when physical activity is limited, this simple formula is moot.  Don't tell a fat person to just stop eating because you never know if they're like me and get anxiety attacks just walking into the kitchen because they don't want to have to eat but know they need to.

Ultimately I'm not trying to make excuses for myself because that does no one any good, I'm just explaining how I got where I am and why I'm here.

Some days I feel absolutely disgusting, nothing but a blob of grossness that no one would ever want to look at.  In fact I've stayed in many times because I thought no one should have to look at me.  Sick, no?  Some days I actually feel kinda hot, like yes I'm fat but I'm still damn sexy bitches ;o)  Both of those are true depending on who's looking.  So what others think doesn't really matter.  There are plenty of men who love fat chicks, it turns their crank, but at the end of the day, it's me whose opinion matters and I'm not comfortable being as fat as I am.  This goes for aesthetics as well (and especially) health.

While it's true that you can be relatively healthy and fat, there are still things going on inside your body that are not good - things have to work harder because of the extra weight and that puts stress on important processes, resulting in adverse health effects.  Thinking about what my body is going through makes me sad, I want to be healthy.

I was at a level weight for a few years, but in the past year I have gained a lot more weight (yes, another severe heart break by a man I love) and this has accelerated my distorted thinking about eating and my body and all of that good stuff.  But some really good stuff has happened in that time as well:  I finally started seeing a therapist (I know, after being depressed most of my life you'd think I'd have gotten one sooner, but that's a whole other story of woe) and she is fucking awesome.  I've been in a DBT group (Dialectic Behavioural Therapy) as well, which has helped me so much.  And in about two weeks, I will be starting in an eating disorder program at the hospital.

If this doesn't help me, I don't know what will.  I recently went to an information seminar for getting gastric bypass surgery, determined that this was my only hope, I fully intended on going for it.  But after the information session, there was no way, I was really disappointed at finding out what it's really like and that the only thing getting that surgery does is help you lose a bunch of weight really quickly (the way you would on a fad diet) and you have to change your lifestyle by eating right and exercising anyway, the same way you would without the surgery.  There is no difference, well, except for all the serious health risks and permanent sacrifices, etc.  I could get the same results going on a shake diet for a few months and then dieting and exercising - I think I've already tried that lol.

Just learning DBT skills in the past six or so months has already helped me immensely with how I deal with food.  I'm hopeful that the next six months, plus my therapy, plus the next year in an eating disorder group will be just what I need to get healthy.  I'm tired of everything being about my weight.  Just the fact that I would never tell anyone the number on the scale tells me how shameful it makes me feel, cause as some of you know, I'm not the most private person, I tell all! lol  I would like to think, after being rejected by a man, that it's because of my horrible personality and not because I'm fat :op  There is some truth to wanting that, trust me.

I've learned a lot through the  years of being in a fat body...

I've learned the importance of not judging someone by their looks.  I've learned that it's still okay (socially acceptable) to say hateful things to or about a fat person, to discriminate against them for how they look.  I've learned that the media is disgusting.  I've learned that people can eat well and exercise and still be fat.  I've learned that they should stop making polyester/nylon clothing for plus size women because it's the most unflattering, worst possible fabric for anyone with curves, lumps, or bumps.  Oh, and I've also recently learned that there are ingredients in most of the food we buy, such as high fructose corn syrup and MSG that actually effect the body in a way that negates the scientific formula of natural weight loss (calories consumed/calories burned) - it is really sad to find this out because there are some people who try so hard to lose weight and they are unknowingly consuming these additives, not knowing it is likely making their struggle pointless.  I've learned a lot more, but I think I'm about done writing for now.

There was no real point in writing this, I just felt like talking about it so thanks for indulging.

P.S. Fat people need love too please :o)


Love M

Hey! I'm Blogging Here!

Meh I just feel like writing random things.  I'm having kind of a blah Friday night here with George (actually, it's just me, George is too cool to hang out with me so he's chillin' on the bed).  Listening to the few tracks available right now by Evelyn Evelyn.  Watched 'Capturing The Friedmans' whilst working on an art piece (believe it or not, inspired by Mr. Picasso, even though the actual piece really has nothing to do with him or his work... figure that one out... I haz artistic license bitches).  Bob Dylan's on now.

I'm simultaneously gathering video, audio, and images of the good doctor (Hunter S. Thompson, of course) to put on a disc for future enjoyment.  I just don't get tired of that man and his genius.  He really is beyond fascination and more closely definable in spiritual terms... a deity... more important than sliced bread.  Or maybe this is just the fixative fumes talking - they're pretty strong.  The can says not to smoke...

I wish I had bought that bottle of wine after all.

Know what's ridiculous?  The fact that the majority of us westerners live in perpetual preparation for the future, whether it be the next half hour from now, the next month, the next decade, doesn't matter, it's what we do.  And we do this until we die, which means we've never really lived because we were too busy preparing.  And the really dumb part about that is we're not psychic, we don't know exactly what is going to happen in the future and we all know that plans never go the way they're "supposed" to.  What is the point of that?  We live in anxiety, the giant 'to-do' lists dangling above our heads, telling us we'd better not (Steve Sinnicks now) waste any time because we have to get these things done first and then we can enjoy ourselves... lmfao I don't know about you, but I've never not had a to-do list. Sure I get stuff done - but more stuff comes up to replace that stuff I just did and there are always things on that list that sit there FOREVER, taunting me, making me feel bad, lingering at the back of my mind when I'm trying to sleep at night and meanwhile I'm wondering why in the world I have insomnia or why in the world I'm so tense.

Instead of wasting our very short lives worrying about what needs to be accomplished, we should be enjoying the fact that we're alive and actually LIVE. And sure, we can be a bit anal sometimes about getting stuff done, but I really think that should count for the minority of our time, not the majority.  While I'm aware, lovely readers, that I'm far from the first person to point this out (Courtney Love now), these thoughts have recently made their meaning much more relevant to me and they are not just an important philosophy to strive for, so much as a major key in having a reason to get up every morning (I'm the kind of person who needs life to be meaningful, and if there isn't a real meaningful purpose or reason to live, well, that's just fucking depressing.  I also know these thoughts cannot really be stated enough, we all need reminders.

Of course, all of this makes much more sense within a Buddhist, dialectic context: namely mindfulness. Okay, /super enlightening speil... now.

What else is on my mind as of late... men.  I'm sure I'm going to get myself into trouble for something I'm about to say, but don't I always?  I am, after all, the queen of inappropriateness (note the ego).

I've been really pissed at the male species these days because it seems to me, at least in my experiences, that men have the ability to find extra special ways of being douchebags.  And I love men, I love men very much, and I'm not the type of person to typecast a whole group based on the behaviour of a few, but I am batting like, 99/100 here people. It definitely boggles my mind. (hey! fuck you Alexis On Fire! They only have samples on their MySpace page, pffft. Just kidding, love you George! But I'm putting on Sarah Blackwood now...) So anyway, I'm a big fat sucker.  I get stung by men over and over and yet I keep coming back for more.  Okay, maybe I am at least a little bit masochistic, but my tendencies usually go more along the lines of having my nipples pinched, not being lied to, used, blown off, etc.etc.

The only conclusions I've been able to come to are:

1. Men truly are so completely different than women, at least in the way they communicate, act, and often times think.  Duh, we all know that right?
2. Men aren't nearly as brave as we think they are - muscle does not equal heart of steel and so they have many fears and anxieties (just like we do) which seem to be expressed in ways that tend to piss women off.
3. Why? Well I'm assuming it's because society conditions them to "be men" and not show fear.  They're not encouraged to express themselves so how can we expect them to be able to?  I'm not saying they're cavemen who can't communicate, I'm just saying that they're more likely to shut down or fly the coop if fear or difficulty arises.

On the other hand, there does seem to be a plethora of men out there who actually ARE fucking jerks.  I hate to say it, but most of my friends are male and most of them are the ones confirming this conclusion.  Like, lying to someone to get them into bed?  Yeah, that's a jerk thing to do. Fucking jerk.

This line of thought doesn't really have a point, mostly because I have no idea what the moral of the story is, or how one can avoid the jerks or how men can all of the sudden learn to express themselves in healthy ways.  I would like to add, however, that I'm fully aware that us women are nuts as well, we're just nuts in completely different ways then men... both sexes are fucked in our own special ways.  But if you're a guy and  you're reading this, what the hell man?  what the hell...

P.S. I think there should be a 'Thank You' card or something like that for really really good oral sex.



Love M

Slightly Hung Over

What I've learned so far in 2010...

Dieting creates eating disorders and in the long run they destroy your body and make you fatter than you ever were in the first place.  It is far better to eat healthy, balanced, and consistently and lose weight slowly.  Diets teach you nothing.  They're the holy grail for people who feel out of control and grasp onto the idea that once they do 'so and so' diet, everything in their life will be okay again.  Thank gods I now know this and am finally getting sane again after years of driving myself crazy.  The other big key peice of knowledge - one day at a time.  So yay I'm losing weight!  Woot!

There is nothing wrong with letting people earn your trust - in fact, it probably should be earned rather than given right away to any Joe Blow one comes across.  This may sound like common sense to most of you, but for me, that's hard to accept: I could never understand why I shouldn't trust everyone right away unless they give me a reason not to, and even then, I'd give them a few more chances.  Now I know (hopefully) that opening myself up that much to just anyone makes it so much easier for them to hurt me.  I guess there's such a thing as trusting too much too soon... who knew?

The world is made up of distractions, like static or distortion on top of what's worth living for.  Most of us get caught up in the distractions, it's almost impossible not to because they're everywhere and they come in so many different forms: mindless entertainment, drama, sensationalism, love, hate, sex, fear, money, and on and on and on.  Then sometimes the distraction stops for a moment or two and we feel right again, like we remember what the point of living is or what makes it worth it to each of us and we promise ourselves to not forget again, but we always do.  I guess the goal would be to remember more often, and to practice living in that state of mind as much as we can.

Relationships are hard.  I'm not sure why, but I think it has a lot to do with fear and dishonesty.  People have fear and are dishonest because of it.  We're each afraid of different things and we're each dishonest in our own way, but I think without the fear, the dishonesty would stop and relationships could start to be a more peaceful endeavour.   Some of us are afraid to open ourselves up, some of us are afraid to get too close to someone else, some of us are afraid we're not worthy of love, some of us are afraid we'll be found out for the horrible person we (think) we are, some of us are afraid of being trapped,some of us are afraid of being abandoned, some of us are afraid without knowing why, and it goes on and on.  So we're dishonest.  We lie with our words, our actions, our intentions... we lie by omitting the truth or by not saying or doing what we know is the honest thing to do or say.  We lie by denying our feelings.  Even if we're not dishonest people, we are dishonest without even realizing it.  It sucks, but it's the truth and it's what makes it so hard to have relationships with each other.  Perhaps if we were all less afraid of things that are usually unfounded we would all be less lonely or alone.  And definitely, if we were all less afraid, we would all stop hurting each other so fucking much.  It really does take thick skin to put yourself out there into the world of dating. 

I've learned a lot more than these things of course, but I'm tired so you're gonna have to come back when I feel like sharing more of my wisdom ;o)



Love M

It's All Over, Baby Blue

Does this make sense?  I'm antisocial yet lonely all at the same time - it's an oxymoron, I don't understand.  Which brings me to my new year's eve: I assumed I would be spending the night right here with George and the other lonely internet people but was asked by Jodie to hang out.  I deliberated and though I felt that staying here and not "doing anything" would be my best option since I can often feel my sadness/loneliness more acutely when I'm around others (depending on the situations and people) but I decided to fight the urge to avoid.  As much as it can be extremely difficult for someone to get up and go somewhere/do something social when they're feeling down, it usually ends up being a good idea.  So this is why I was "smart" and decided to just go for it.

This turned out to be one of those times where staying in alone would have been the better plan - how was I supposed to know?  So that was annoying.  Although who knows, perhaps I would have gotten myself all sad if I'd stayed in.  The thing is, I've become really good at distracting myself from dwelling on unpleasant emotions, which is why I either wanted to stay home alone, or go somewhere where there were a lot of people and mayhem for a different kind of distraction, or of course, have someone come over and sweep me off my feet so to speak (yes I like to fantasize).

So that was that.  I got through it.  And I quite literally slept straight through January 1st - just woke up around 10pm.

Just in case you're wondering, the reason I'm all melodramatic about the holidays/new year's eve is because it is a time to spend with your loved ones.  Not only do I not have many people in my life, but those I care about most are not with me, but with others.  Therefore the loneliness is exaggerated and who the hell wants that?  But it's done now - let's move on, shall we?

I don't really do new year's resolutions because if I'm going to make a resolution, I don't need to wait until the beginning of the year - that's what Mondays are for ;o)  Obviously I need to work on relationships and lack there of and of course my health, which fucking sucks and drives me crazy and I wish I could trade this body in for a fresh healthy one damnit.  Not that I hate my body, but that I hate how malfunctioned it is.  As for hating my body, I'm pretty sure I've got BDD but I'm hoping some stuff I'm doing is gonna help that.  The brain is a crazy/powerful mother fucker.

Anyway, there's always stuff to work on - that's what we do in life, we grow and then we die and hopefully we enjoy the process.

In other news, I just found out that I have been wearing the wrong bra size for almost a decade, which explains a lot - wtf.  So I'm actually a DD or E cup, NOT a D cup.  Damnit.  Time to get some new bras.  Time to get all new clothes actually, since my lovely cat George thinks it hilarious to cover all my clothing in his white fur so that I can never get a date and become an old, lonely cat lady.  I swear to god he has some magical fur that makes it impossible to remove!  He's lucky I love him.

Enough rambling for now, I'll be back when I have something good to say.


Love M.

P.S. The new issue of Buttercup is here - join, read, socialize, and love it.  New articles added daily.

Boxing Day

This is the reason Christmas wasn't a complete bust:



Also, cause Don came over for a bit and I got to give him his present.  And there was wine and Ativan and chocolate.  And I got a pink and black playboy bunny blanket from my younger brother (the father of the cute baby girl); slippers, and herbal tea.  My mum got me modeling clay, scratch tickets, and Chapters gift certificates :o)  Tim gave me some canvas and a really fancy shmancy pen that you use to write with or to do fine details with in your art.

So yeah, Christmas is over, thank the gods, and we're almost done new year's as well.  Until then, not much going on around here, kinda bored actually.  I'll probably sit in front of my puter with a bottle of wine for new year's eve - we shall see.  I'll have my own little LOFNOTC party.

I spent most of boxing day sleeping and internet window shopping for sales - ended up finally upgrading my toy collection.  I was going to go for books since I got the gift cards, but there were no good sales.  I watched two movies I've never seen before: '8 Mile' and 'Just Friends' - interesting combo.  '8 Mile' had a lot of good stuff in it, but also some crappy stuff.  But now I can finally compare the movie with 'Clueless' - another big movie that Brittany Murphy played in.  My verdict is that 'Clueless' was the better movie, had a bigger cultural impact, and that Brittany's performance in this film trumped her performance in '8 Mile.'  On a side note, the sex scene in the factory was really hot.

The other movie, 'Just Friends' was kinda... cute I guess?  I expected more from it for some reason but I'd say it was probably more corny than the average corny chick movie.  But I definitely related to Ryan Renold's character as the geek who is ever in the 'friend zone' - always the friend never the girlfriend.  I've also been known to play the part of the friend with benefits... just never the girlfriend.

I need to think of more good movies to watch.

Oh, P.S. I WANT THIS! (NSFW)



Love M

Christmas Morning

Thank you Jeeesus for being boooooorn."



Yeah, right. I'm listening to South Park Christmas songs to brighten my mood.  I don't think people should be sad on Christmas if they're not dwelling on sad things and trying to focus on the good things - it doesn't seem fair - but for some reason, here I am, feeling like shit (though a lot less shitty than I did earlier).  I started feeling down the day before Christmas eve and it has progressed from there.  I guess it's a bit inevitable - I'm lonely so I'm going to feel it a hell of a lot more now than I would on any other day of the year.  I know it's really just another day, but to be realistic, it's not - you know it's not.  It's a time to spend with your loved ones: it stopped being a religious thing for most people a loong time ago.  You can try to think of it as any other day but trust me, I've tried that one, it's almost impossible. I can even hear my neighbour enjoying her loved one right now.

I do have one very special thing to look forward to today, and that's my fourteen month old niece, Amelie.  I'm going to try to focus all of my attention on her, after all, it should be about the young ones - it's a magical time for them, especially before they realize they want STUFF.  I'm pretty annoyed that my camera won't work so I can't take any pictures of her, but hopefully one of my brothers will.  I'm also really looking forward to Don coming over later.

I just need to get through to January 2nd and I'll be alright.  New years eve will be hard, but who knows, maybe I'll have someone special to spend it with next year - gotta stay positive right?  I'm looking forward to writing 2010 rather than 2009 - yes, I am a nerd, we know that.

Ways I have tried to cheer myself up today: singing, putting on make-up, watching Bush say dumb things on YouTube, came three times, did a half smile, and listened to South Park Christmas songs.  See?  I try, lol.  Emotional disregulation sucks.  Feeling incredibly lonely sucks.  Loving people way more than they could possibly love me back - well, that doesn't suck in theory, but it does when you're not very high up on anyone's list of people to care about, such is my case.  Being a downer and writing depressing things on my blog sucks.  Okay, I got that out of my system.  Oh, I forgot to mention that I am also PMSing.

Remember kids, you can suck all the dick you want and still be virgin.





Love M.

K, Tell Me What To Say Next

Yeah I kinda felt like writing a post orgasmic blog entry - what can I say? My mind is clear at the moment. Who, reading this blog right now, thinks my previous sentence was inappropriate, gross, perverted, tmi, or anything along those lines?  Is that something any decent human being would say out loud for anyone to hear or read?  If you are a man reading this, do you imagine me to be easy, maybe slutty, something like that? Not the kind of girl you would take home to mom?  Girls, is that something you would ever share?  These questions aren't rhetorical, I'd love to hear feedback on this because I'm continually perplexed about how people make their judgments and what society in general deems 'normal' or 'decent'.

Women, for one thing, fit into two categories for your convenience: I am either a madonna or I'm a whore.  A madonna-kinda gal would never have such sexual thoughts or feelings and wouldn't show an inch of cleavage let alone talk about her desires.  But the whore, she'll give it up to anyone, any place - she wants you to see her as purely sexual, without brains, dumbed down for your convenience and she has no shame so she doesn't care who knows it. I liken this to the belief in good and evil, of God and the Devil (I'm sure this will offend some but I'm also sure I've already accomplished that so I'll proceed) - Believing in an absolute anything such as a being that is solely 'good' and a separate being that is solely 'bad' is no different than calling a rainstorm 'all bad' or... I'm currently unable to think of an 'all good' example that is simple enough to use but the rainstorm will suffice because we all know that rain serves its purpose and without it there would be problems, but we also know that storms can be dangerous, they can start fires, etc.  I think it's safe to say that it's impossible to label anything as 'good' or 'bad' because nature (the world) doesn't work that way.

Nothing exists in the world that is absolutely positive or absolutely negative, nature is balanced and it's pretty cool.  To believe in an 'all good' God and an 'all bad' Devil is to go against nature and that wouldn't make much sense now, would it?  And doesn't it say somewhere in one of those bibles that God created man/the world in his (ha!) own image?  If that were the case, not only would God have to possess some 'evil' by default, but would he not also be a hermaphrodite?  Anyway, you get my point, I hope.

Following this logic, can any one woman fulfill the madonna role or the whore role?  Think about that when you make your judgments.  And also think about which ideal you'd prefer: do you want to marry the madonna?  The one you can take home to mom, the one who will be saintly and behave herself and be proper and of course sleep in a separate bed... or do you want to marry the whore, the one who you need to hide from decent eyes but who will make life pretty fun and exciting, and will be up for a lot of fun in the sack...?  Obviously you can't choose just one because to have one without aspects of the other leaves the person lacking what you need in a partner.  I'm not saying there are no people out there who take on way more of the 'whore' role than the 'madonna' role and vice versa, I'm just saying that the more realistic version of a woman (or man!) is a healthy mixture of the two: a gal you can have an intelligent conversation with, who can meet the parents, and who can also make you roll your eyes to the back of your head. People jump to judgments quite naturally - it's what you do with them that matters: society does not make up the rules of your personal belief system and if it does, that is sad.  No one is stopping you from being aware (or are they?).

And while I'm on this train of thinking, I'd like to add FAT DOES NOT EQUAL UGLY.  "Nothing's either good or bad, but thinking makes it so" and if society/the media has brainwashed you into being repulsed by someone who takes up a little more space than you do, you might want to rethink the reasons why you react that way.  Fat person gross, Iranian person terrorist, lawyer crook, black person thief, southern person stupid, blond person bimbo... yeah.  It's that whole absolutes thing again, there's no. such. thing.

Coming full circle, I'll conclude that as a writer and a female (who grew up going to Catholic school) I've always struggled with censoring myself when it comes to what I can or cannot say - always resisting the urge to go a little further (not to push any envelope, but because it's what my muse is insisting) because of the whole 'what WILL they think!?' thought in the back of my mind.  I don't want to do that.  I don't want to be fake, I don't want to suppress myself, I don't want to go half-ass (especially with something as important to me as writing), I don't want to live my life according to what others expect of me or what others feel comfortable with.  So, if  I make you uncomfortable or if I evoke any strong judgments in you, I only ask that you take a moment to consider why you have these kind of reactions.

"I define nothing. Not beauty, not patriotism. I take each thing as it is, without prior rules about what it should be."  --Bob Dylan


Love M.

Pitter Patter

This always happens: I go too long without updating my blog and I've forgotten most of the interesting stuff that has happened to me.  Oh well, tis life. So NaNoWriMo - I won that.  Yes, I wrote over fifty thousand words in thirty days, who knew?  I will definitely be doing it again next year, but this time I will have an outline.  For some reason, my muse decided to write a story that had just one character - one!  Needless to say, it became somewhat difficult around the third week to come up with more to write.  I eventually had no choice but to throw in another character and that saved me.  Week one and two went smoothly, I got behind in week three, and in week four people would not leave me the fuck alone and so I ended up having to write my last twenty thousand words in a fourty eight hour period.  It turns out my story could actually be good if I attempted a second draft.  I'm gonna let it sit for a while though.

The holidays are here again and I've already resigned myself to the fact that it's gonna suck the same as it always does and the only way I'm going to get through with my sanity intact is to let nothing bother me.  If I let stuff bother me, I'm doomed and you will have to hear me boo-hooing from now till new years about my psycho family, what little of them there are, how it sucks to be alone during the holidays, especially when you know a certain someone is spending the time with someone else and to put more salt in the wounds, there's new year's eve - I will likely be sitting here in front of my computer as usual. I don't think it's horrible to spend new years alone, but it feels pretty lonely and feeling lonely sucks.  I think I said I wasn't going to throw a self pity party but it seems I just did :op  Sorry kids.

I never say this but I'm going to now - it would be nice to have someone damnit.  Preferably a man ;o)

Okay enough of that nonsense. 

I am no longer a member of Think Haus - the hackerspace that a bunch of us started back in April.  Yeah, I can't get there transportation wise, and I'm not paying a membership fee for something I can't be a part of.  I won't get into the other reasons, politics and whatnot, but as of now, I'm not as busy on Tuesday nights anymore (except for the writer's meeting nights).  It's kind of nice having one less thing on my agenda - I hate juggling too many things, there's a reason I can't work a regular job ya know.

Don came over tonight and we saw something that made him laugh hysterically for a good ten minutes:



This is Paul Martin being very excited... the photoshop possibilities are vast.  W looks pretty pleased about something himself, who knows what.

I can't think of too much else to write about at the moment.  I got a webcam and I've been having a lot of fun with that, though I have yet to talk to anyone with it, webcam chat or whatever you call it, not sure if I will either but that could be fun I guess.  Make my own porn maybe? Nah, I'm not very photogenic.



Mwa!

Too much to say and not enough.  I will be back.


Love M.

I Swallow You

Opening up is such a risk. There's the possibility of feeling (appearing) stupid. There's the possibility of rejection. Of wrecking something already good. Of misinterpretation.

If you let me, I open up so wide I end up swallowing you. You may like it at first, for a while, until you realize you've wandered into some vast place too real and too raw to exist in without completely turning yourself over to it. Too intense. Too much love. Too much love?

Weird. I never in my life second-guessed that loving someone has its limits. Where was I when this information was divulged?

To be honest, I still don't believe that's the way things should be. If I think and feel like a twelve year old girl I will get cut over and over again because everyone else has "grown up" and I have not. I still think love can be earth shattering. I still think love can conquer all. I still think there's no such thing as loving someone too much.

Yes, it may scare most people, to be approached so abruptly by something that is socially unacceptable (an open heart). It is the norm to be as closed off as possible and only open up ever so slightly when you're SURE it's safe.

People pledge their hearts to each other in "holy matrimony" with hearts open to each other three-quarters of the way at most. That's so sad to me.

But it's exhausting. Exposing yourself is exhausting. And I still have no fucking clue what I'm doing. I just know that I will always give more than I receive because I am socially unacceptable.

I love you.


Love M

Ladies Don't Show Anger

Hmmm. Sometimes, when I'm doing well, I feel as if it's only a matter of time before sadness catches up and contains me. I'm not being emo, I'm just saying, I'm doing okay right now, on the right track it seems, but I feel so fragile - afraid of the next trigger - I don't know how to overcome such intensity.

Maybe I'm not supposed to fight it? Maybe if I accept it as part of my experience that sometimes I'm going to get really fucking sad and I should just take from it what I can. That sounds fucked up though. Too many questions, not enough answers...

The man I love is with another woman and I am reminded of that regularly because he's my best friend and I've chosen to stick it out with him. That's like living with a constant raw wound. It does get easier to cope, but when the pain comes, it still feels as fresh as it did when it began. But I've chosen that sacrifice. Accepted one pain rather than another. I don't recommend it. But I don't regret it either.

It will be okay though, somehow. I just hope she realizes how lucky she is.

And I'm filled with anger and resentment. I realized this not long ago, how pissed off I am in general. I've never been an angry person, but I am filled with it now. I'm angry at the people (the men in particular) who have treated me disrespectfully. I'm especially angry at myself for allowing it, even inviting it, unknowingly.

That won't be happening anymore. My eyes have been opened. Find yourself another doormat/victim.

Apparently, it's sort of good that I'm angry: it's given me the motivation and desire to start pushing/fighting back.

But the resentment that comes with the anger? What do I do with that?

If I allowed you to treat me a certain way and I now decide that was wrong and I won't play that role with you anymore, does the relationship end? Or does it continue in a new direction? And how can it continue in a new direction when I still feel so much resentment toward you? And how can I be so resentful toward you when I played a part in it too?

You are choosing the pursuit of a brand new love interest who happens to be my best girlfriend. If what we did have together had been healthy, this is still pretty fucked up territory - I'm thinking that me being bothered by this is quite called for.

Let me think for a minute: If I had something with a guy and decided (without so much as a word) that I wanted to hook up with his best friend instead, would the guy be upset? Well, unless he had absolutely no respect for me in the first place, he would be quite perplexed.

I think I'm angry right now and I think I'm going to say, in my anger, that is not cool.

There is a reason the resentment keeps popping back up, no matter what I do, it comes back, and I think it's for the simple reason that I have been fucked over. Makes sense?

I also have a hard time dealing with the knowledge that what I thought was a solid friendship turned out to be something not so real.

How do I begin to come to terms with it? The only thing I know is that after someone hurts you over and over, you should really stop giving them the opportunity.

I want my friends to be happy. But I also want my friends to be my friends and not expect me to be okay with things that no one but the Buddha himself would be okay with. I don't even fully know what I'm saying, but I'm saying it lol.

I feel like it's only a matter of time before people get sick of my emotional incoherency and leave me so they can be happy... wtf does that mean?

Having to second guess yourself all the time really makes it difficult to gain confidence ya know.

But I'm not gonna end this entry on a sullen note cause I'm not all tears and fears - I just tend to write more when I'm down.

I'm going through a ginormous learning/growth period and good things seem to be happening. Well, a lot of these good things are disguised as bad things, but I can recognize them for what they are.

I just keep having to remind myself to calm down and take things moment to moment, otherwise I'll lose my way in a big tangle of my own thinking. Mindfulness.

I am ever humbled by the power of the brain - I think the trick is to work with it, not try to take total control of it, if that makes any sense.

So grateful for my friends,

Love M

A Lot

Change is inevitable. Nothing ever stays exactly the same, nothing. ever. Yet, from moment to moment, everything seems so predictable.

You never expect anything extraordinary is going to happen, and if you do, that doesn't mean it will.

If you're happy. If you're in love. You assume it's going to last forever, because, well, why wouldn't it? What could possibly happen to destroy such happiness?

Thoughts of a very naive girl.

Life is ever moving, ever turning - falling and rising - crying and laughing.

I started out intent on being casual. Fought it. Been fighting it for a long time now.

I fight it because you want me to.

I fight it because I hold onto the hope that eventually all my fighting will have paid off and I can look you in the eye and tell you, "I'm over it."

But I'm not. Not even close.

And that makes me hate myself.

It's just too much to be contained, too much truth and emotion to bottle, to pin down, to articulate.

I am both genius and stupid when it comes to you.


-Love Marylin.

The Perfect Drug

My niece, Amelie, is eight months old and she is a freak of nature.

I mean that in the good way: she is going from not really crawling, to being able to stand up and walk while holding onto something. I think that's just nuts! She "crawls" by standing on her feet and hands... it's quite something.

Mind you I have little to no experience with babies so perhaps that is not so abnormal, but I think it's just amazing.

She is also ginormous and so strong. I think she's probably pretty close to being a perfect baby.

I love her to death but don't get to see her often and I really, really hate that.



She's the happiest being I've ever met and she infects you with it... better than any medication.

I wish this world wasn't so fucked up.


-Love Marylin.

Dreaming My Dreams...

-Love Marylin.

Hormonal Possession

I'm having such a bad night. Not only has the PMS from hell taken over me for pretty much the past week, but now I'm fucking depressed too: it's my fault I'm sure...

I just have that horrible sadness inside me right now that likes to come out when I'm not paying close attention... that symptom of fear... that part of me that feels like it's losing something (someone) dear.

I'm just so afraid of having to lose the same person twice and that everything I've been suffering for has been in vain. I'm afraid I'm a fool and am coming closer and closer to finding out that is the truth after all.

Relationships seem so... flimsy. No, they're not flimsy, but the things that hold them together - it seems like, no IT IS like, there are no guarantees and that scares the shit out of me. Let me say that again: it scares the fucking shit out of me that you can care so much for one person and still lose them.

I've learned that promises made and broken are not lies, but are life... things change, situations change, people change. It does not mean that the promise wasn't sincere at the time. That was a hard one for me to learn, I'm so naive.

But what I don't want to learn, is that a friendship built on so much connection, good intention, love, caring, etc can be dismissed, can end, can die without a fucking force of nature standing in between.

I don't want to learn that. I want to be proven that friends really can be forever.

Like I said, I'm terrified. Not only that, but I'm unable to seek reassurance, which only makes it harder. I just want to stop having to be afraid. I hope I stop being afraid.


-Love Marylin.

V-Sweet

"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world."

-Lucille Ball

(from another blog)



Happy Self-Love Day! - Feb. 13th & 14th, 2009

Here’s how the whole thing works:

1.) You’re gonna grab yourself a banner.

2.) You’re gonna post that banner and then tell us all something that you really like love about yourself (thus, the “self-love” portion of our program).

3.) Ask or beg your readers to post one thing that they too love about you!!! If your blog friends are nice, you shouldn’t have to beg…much.

4.) Enjoy yourself and spread the love by doing this on your blog!

Ok, so here it goes: What do I love about myself?

I have amazing inner strength. I am deep and thought provoking. I am loving. I'm a word genius. I have beautiful eyes. I'm creative and smart. I give a shit.

What do YOU love about me?


-Love Marylin.