The Summer Is Tricksy

I don't like the way my body/mind plays tricks on me during the light half of the year: what I mean is, every spring I start to 'come back to life' - I wake up from depression and low energy, I start to feel good and I start to really live the way I try so hard to live throughout the entire year but never seem to be able to during the dark half of the year.  This is, of course, wonderful.  The bad part about it this particular year is that never before have I worked so hard on improving myself than I have this past year and things are starting to really come together for me, slowly but surely.  My worry is whether or not it is only because it's spring and not because my hard work is paying off.  If it's only because it's spring, then I'm bound to fall once again when November comes around and that would really really suck because I'm so sick of the struggle.  But if it's not just a coincidence, well then that's a huge deal for me.

After severe anxiety, worry, and fear I finally FINALLY started going to the YWCA to exercise.  I almost passed out from panic just going there to sign up.  But something strange happened when I actually went to the gym to work out - as I was working my poor neglected muscles/body, I came to the realization that I was actually enjoying myself... I've told myself my whole life that I hate exercise, that exercise and I never got along, that I was born that way.  This is true in a way: I was, since birth, a very sedentary person, preferring to live in my head rather than do much moving.  But now I realize why I thought I hated exercise so much that it was making it next to impossible to start and keep to any kind of regiment: I have osteoarthritis and fibromylagia - both of those diseases are about pain, pain, and pain.  I'm in constant pain.  So whenever I've tried to exercise, it hurt like a bitch!  No wonder I didn't want to do it.  Turns out though, that if I stay away from the high impact stuff (cause that damages my joints and makes my disease worse) and make sure I'm not hurting myself in the "bad way," then it's actually enjoyable!  It still hurts, but it hurts in the way that it's supposed to hurt, the way exercise hurts any normal healthy person, that wonderful burn that tells you you're making your body stronger.  I actually like exercise, who knew?

I'm very eager now, I want to do so much, so I'm having to force myself to take my time so I don't overdo it and hurt myself or set myself up for failure.  I wish I had discovered this years ago, but you can't change the past.  So far I'm spending an hour at the gym three days a week.  Next week I'm going to start adding swimming (like aqua therapy, water jogging, etc) to my routine.  Eventually I want to be working out at least five days a week and I'd like to do some of the yoga and pilates classes they offer as well.  What a huge breakthrough for me!

I've been terrified for quite a few years now of starting any kind of routine in my life because in the past I have always failed and after so many times failing, you start to feel defeated and hopeless.  I haven't had structure in my life since I was in high school, and even then it wasn't very structured so I'm having to relearn how to do it in almost every aspect of my life.  I have severe "all or nothing" thinking, so that poses a challenge all on its own - it's like learning to live from scratch in a way.  But I have a kick-ass therapist and she suggested having a plan for failure: a simple concept yet I never thought of it.  I always thought I should just be able to pick up and start again if I failed, but it's not always that simple, and having an actual plan to follow is such a great concept and makes me feel more secure in being able to succeed.

So there's that.

In other news, I love plants.  Every single spring for years and years I attempt a garden on my balcony and every single year I kill my plants.  In the past I always thought it was because I end up neglecting them when I get depressed (which is true too), but this year I've realized, sadly, that I kind of don't really like gardening, and I'm kind of not very good at it lol.  I wouldn't say I have a brown thumb, but I'm having to accept that I should stop trying to have a damn garden and just buy the organic produce from those who know what they're doing.  I have a few plants out there now so we'll so how those do, but after this, I'm gonna go steal Sunny's tomatoes ;o)

What else is going on... my best friend is moving to another city :o(  This is really hard for  me, really really hard.  A  year ago I would be in bed crying all day and night planning my own demise over this, but I've grown a fuck-tonne and I will be okay.  It's going to be hard though, he's more than just a best friend, if that makes any sense.  And I guess after a year and half I should meet the girlfriend...  I'm kind of proud of us though - we managed to stay close friends after all the turmoil and heartache and through such difficult circumstances when it really would have been easier ultimately to go our separate ways, we knew the value of our friendship and chose the path less traveled in order to keep each other in our lives.  Who knew it could be done?  The hard stuff is still not over yet, but I think the majority of it is definitely behind us.  Here's hoping the future rewards us!


Love M

Boxing Day

This is the reason Christmas wasn't a complete bust:



Also, cause Don came over for a bit and I got to give him his present.  And there was wine and Ativan and chocolate.  And I got a pink and black playboy bunny blanket from my younger brother (the father of the cute baby girl); slippers, and herbal tea.  My mum got me modeling clay, scratch tickets, and Chapters gift certificates :o)  Tim gave me some canvas and a really fancy shmancy pen that you use to write with or to do fine details with in your art.

So yeah, Christmas is over, thank the gods, and we're almost done new year's as well.  Until then, not much going on around here, kinda bored actually.  I'll probably sit in front of my puter with a bottle of wine for new year's eve - we shall see.  I'll have my own little LOFNOTC party.

I spent most of boxing day sleeping and internet window shopping for sales - ended up finally upgrading my toy collection.  I was going to go for books since I got the gift cards, but there were no good sales.  I watched two movies I've never seen before: '8 Mile' and 'Just Friends' - interesting combo.  '8 Mile' had a lot of good stuff in it, but also some crappy stuff.  But now I can finally compare the movie with 'Clueless' - another big movie that Brittany Murphy played in.  My verdict is that 'Clueless' was the better movie, had a bigger cultural impact, and that Brittany's performance in this film trumped her performance in '8 Mile.'  On a side note, the sex scene in the factory was really hot.

The other movie, 'Just Friends' was kinda... cute I guess?  I expected more from it for some reason but I'd say it was probably more corny than the average corny chick movie.  But I definitely related to Ryan Renold's character as the geek who is ever in the 'friend zone' - always the friend never the girlfriend.  I've also been known to play the part of the friend with benefits... just never the girlfriend.

I need to think of more good movies to watch.

Oh, P.S. I WANT THIS! (NSFW)



Love M

Christmas Morning

Thank you Jeeesus for being boooooorn."



Yeah, right. I'm listening to South Park Christmas songs to brighten my mood.  I don't think people should be sad on Christmas if they're not dwelling on sad things and trying to focus on the good things - it doesn't seem fair - but for some reason, here I am, feeling like shit (though a lot less shitty than I did earlier).  I started feeling down the day before Christmas eve and it has progressed from there.  I guess it's a bit inevitable - I'm lonely so I'm going to feel it a hell of a lot more now than I would on any other day of the year.  I know it's really just another day, but to be realistic, it's not - you know it's not.  It's a time to spend with your loved ones: it stopped being a religious thing for most people a loong time ago.  You can try to think of it as any other day but trust me, I've tried that one, it's almost impossible. I can even hear my neighbour enjoying her loved one right now.

I do have one very special thing to look forward to today, and that's my fourteen month old niece, Amelie.  I'm going to try to focus all of my attention on her, after all, it should be about the young ones - it's a magical time for them, especially before they realize they want STUFF.  I'm pretty annoyed that my camera won't work so I can't take any pictures of her, but hopefully one of my brothers will.  I'm also really looking forward to Don coming over later.

I just need to get through to January 2nd and I'll be alright.  New years eve will be hard, but who knows, maybe I'll have someone special to spend it with next year - gotta stay positive right?  I'm looking forward to writing 2010 rather than 2009 - yes, I am a nerd, we know that.

Ways I have tried to cheer myself up today: singing, putting on make-up, watching Bush say dumb things on YouTube, came three times, did a half smile, and listened to South Park Christmas songs.  See?  I try, lol.  Emotional disregulation sucks.  Feeling incredibly lonely sucks.  Loving people way more than they could possibly love me back - well, that doesn't suck in theory, but it does when you're not very high up on anyone's list of people to care about, such is my case.  Being a downer and writing depressing things on my blog sucks.  Okay, I got that out of my system.  Oh, I forgot to mention that I am also PMSing.

Remember kids, you can suck all the dick you want and still be virgin.





Love M.

Pitter Patter

This always happens: I go too long without updating my blog and I've forgotten most of the interesting stuff that has happened to me.  Oh well, tis life. So NaNoWriMo - I won that.  Yes, I wrote over fifty thousand words in thirty days, who knew?  I will definitely be doing it again next year, but this time I will have an outline.  For some reason, my muse decided to write a story that had just one character - one!  Needless to say, it became somewhat difficult around the third week to come up with more to write.  I eventually had no choice but to throw in another character and that saved me.  Week one and two went smoothly, I got behind in week three, and in week four people would not leave me the fuck alone and so I ended up having to write my last twenty thousand words in a fourty eight hour period.  It turns out my story could actually be good if I attempted a second draft.  I'm gonna let it sit for a while though.

The holidays are here again and I've already resigned myself to the fact that it's gonna suck the same as it always does and the only way I'm going to get through with my sanity intact is to let nothing bother me.  If I let stuff bother me, I'm doomed and you will have to hear me boo-hooing from now till new years about my psycho family, what little of them there are, how it sucks to be alone during the holidays, especially when you know a certain someone is spending the time with someone else and to put more salt in the wounds, there's new year's eve - I will likely be sitting here in front of my computer as usual. I don't think it's horrible to spend new years alone, but it feels pretty lonely and feeling lonely sucks.  I think I said I wasn't going to throw a self pity party but it seems I just did :op  Sorry kids.

I never say this but I'm going to now - it would be nice to have someone damnit.  Preferably a man ;o)

Okay enough of that nonsense. 

I am no longer a member of Think Haus - the hackerspace that a bunch of us started back in April.  Yeah, I can't get there transportation wise, and I'm not paying a membership fee for something I can't be a part of.  I won't get into the other reasons, politics and whatnot, but as of now, I'm not as busy on Tuesday nights anymore (except for the writer's meeting nights).  It's kind of nice having one less thing on my agenda - I hate juggling too many things, there's a reason I can't work a regular job ya know.

Don came over tonight and we saw something that made him laugh hysterically for a good ten minutes:



This is Paul Martin being very excited... the photoshop possibilities are vast.  W looks pretty pleased about something himself, who knows what.

I can't think of too much else to write about at the moment.  I got a webcam and I've been having a lot of fun with that, though I have yet to talk to anyone with it, webcam chat or whatever you call it, not sure if I will either but that could be fun I guess.  Make my own porn maybe? Nah, I'm not very photogenic.



Mwa!

Too much to say and not enough.  I will be back.


Love M.

Tastes Like Vegetable

Right, so for the past twenty seven years I've been asking people to try to tell me what various kinds of seafood tastes like, since I've never tried any due to a deathly allergy (see last blog post). I've asked people to compare it to other foods, texture, flavour, anything, and never has anyone been able to do it. So I decided that I'd write my interpretation of the different seafoods I try along the way. You never know, maybe there are others out there who have had the same allergy and just want to know what they're missing.

Last night was my first ever in my life seafood tasting experience, courtesy of Don:



Shrimp. The kind in the freezer that's already boiled. I reluctantly took one and held it for a while until I was sure it wasn't going to kill me. Then a sniff or two. Then a lil' lick. Then a nibble. Then a proper bite. "Hmmm... it tastes like.... a vegetable of some sort!" My first impression of shrimp is that it tastes quite like some sweet vegetable, a cross between a snow pea and celery or something like that, but very light. The texture was different, this is the hardest part to explain: it was on the verge of being crunchy but it wasn't, and it was on the verge of being rubbery, but it wasn't. If I had closed my eyes and eaten it without knowing what it was, there's no doubt I would have said some sort of vegetable because of both the flavour and the texture. Verdict - s'not bad.

Then I ate some that had been cooked in garlic butter. This was a completely different story: the texture was different, more chewy like meat is. The vegetable-y taste was quite a bit less and the shrimp took on some of the garlic butter taste (which is, of course, delicious). My verdict on the cooked version? I like. It made me want to try it done in lots of different ways - all those dishes in the Chinese food take out menu (95% of the menu really) I want to try.

As predicted by the allergy specialist, I had no adverse reactions at all to the shrimp. So now I know for sure. Weird. Two things I'm excited to try are lobster and scallops because I've always thought they looked so yummy. Weird how something that I've never tasted in my life can look yummy - what does yummy look like?


Love M

Mostly MiniSoOnCon

I's sick. Yes, sick. As tough as my immune system is, stress is a killer.

I think I'm sposed to be sick though, as odd as it sounds, I needed a break from responsibility. It doesn't take much for me to get overwhelmed as it is, and lately my life has been becoming busier and busier.

So my body is now forcing me to rest and I'm resting to the best of my ability! Unfortunately I missed the Supercrawl because of this, which sucks much ass, but it was out of my hands and I'll just have to go to the regular art crawl next month.

Where was I? I can't write when the music is blaring and I have been having to play music as of late to drown out certain other noises (no no I'm not hearing voices in my head lol). I won't go into detail except to say it sucks and I'm too tired and sick right now to do anything else. Ugh.

Anyway! Some of the stuff I've been up to in the past month...

Last Friday was MiniSoOnCon at Think Haus! I wasn't going to go because I would have to go solo and I'm very shy and introverted and all that fun stuff. But I went anyway and was pleased to see that most of the other guests in attendance were just as shy and introverted as I am! I've never been to a hacker conference before so the sight of a room full of people sitting quietly, looking at their laps in complete silence was both hilarious and refreshing.

It did not remain that quiet all night though: once people started to get to know each other and of course get some alcohol into them, it was pretty good times! A lot of people showed up. People from Diyode (from Guelph), HackLab.TO (from Toronto), KwartzLab (from Kitchener), think|haus (from Hamilton,of course), FouLab (from Montreal), as well as other hackerspaces and someone even came out from Rochester! So yeah I met a lot of awesome people and we managed to get hackers from all over Canada to come out to our humble space.

We had a yummy bar-b-que, despite the bad weather, and a well stocked bar - I don't remember the bartender's name but she was awesome.

We had (what I now understand to be a hacker con tradition) really cool frikken badges. I mean, I saw these things being made at the space and didn't quite get it until the finished product was presented:



The picture doesn't really do it justice - but it's awesome and everyone in attendance wore one.

According to what I've been told, the tradition is to hack your badge and see who can do the coolest thing with theirs, which, I suppose, is why our lounge area was filled with drunk people soldering - mhmmm, unfortunately I don't have a photo of that madness.

See that little house there? That's the Think Haus logo. Don made that! He is awesoma powa.



Paul (TH) graced us with demonstrations of the long awaited http://www.emotiv.com/ - the thing reads your mind maaaan! No, srsly, you put it on your head and it detects your facial expressions, eyeball movement, emotions, thoughts, actions, and "can be used to control not only a virtual environment, but also a live environment through the help of micro-controllers and actuators."

I love this thing, the implications get me very excited!

The other cool thing going on was the arrival of the CUPCAKE Makerbot (3D printer). It wasn't assembled until the next day of the con, so since I didn't make it that day, I didn't see that, but here's a video cause I only vaguely understand why this is awesome:



That lovely gal is Leigh Honeywell from Hacklab T.O. and the fella behind the mic is Wayne MacPhail giving us awesome coverage.

Isn't our space da bomb? It's been being "fixed up" for four months and is now officially a workable hackerspace.

I wish I could have taken pictures myself but my camera is acting wonky.

Needless to say it was awesome (especially considering Think Haus is only four months old!) and I'm looking forward to it next year.

What I did find interesting was the very small percentage of females in attendance: Adina and I from TH, Leigh and Alex from T.O., the bartender gal, and maybe one or two others (I mean no offense it's just my memory sucks right now). Then a crap-load of mens. I love mens the best, but it begs the question, why? Where are the geeky gals? I know you're out there! Come over to the dark side, we have beer! (and cookies, and cupcakes!).

This little MiniSoOnCon attendee is on the right track!


zomg she's cute!

What else... Oh Tetro! haha

Hamilton just had a film festival called Festitalia International Film Festival. I know, it aint TIFF, deal. Riley and I went to see a film called Tetro, which turned out to be an okay movie. The best part of the night? Discovering that Jackson Square cinemas got brand new seats for the event! Yay! Clean theater seats! And they're slightly more comfy too, woot!

Anyway, that was fun, next year I wanna try to see more of the films. Hell, next year I might go to TIFF.

Before that, I went away to Parrysound to stay at someone's cottage for four days. I LOVE going there, it's so relaxing and peaceful surrounded by nature. Last year upon arrival, as soon as I stepped out of the van all my heartache and stress dissipated and I was at peace the whole time I was there. Of course it came back when I came home, but at least for that short time I was at peace.

I expected/hoped for the same this year, especially since my stress this year is quite a bit less than it was last year, but no such luck. I was at peace, but there was still things nagging at me in the back of my head. I'm pretty sure I know why now but all in all it was a good time. I swam in the lake and it was COLD! but very clean and refreshing. I paddled a rowboat all by myself *proud grin.* I made a smore (I love love bonfires) and did some meditating and crocheting. Yep.

There was also The Locke Street Festival followed by Pagan Harvest Festival: the former was too crowded and hot, the latter was pretty cool, very peaceful, lots of shady areas to chill.

I got a great tarot reading from Franco Minatel - he did a reading for me a few years ago but I didn't recognize him until he started reading my cards.

The day ended as the very bright sun was making its way below the horizon, with all joining a circle for a little closing ritual, which was quite nice.

Then I went home and got drunk with Tim lol.

That's it that's all I'm done.

Alright, bugger off then.




Love M

Geeks Are Sexy

Showing VS Telling... is actually pretty hard when you're trying to do it on purpose. But let's keep that between you and I and pretend all my writing comes out flawlessly and effortlessly - shhhhhh.

Myself and a few members of my writing group are collaborating on a collection of short fantasy stories, making this - let me see - my first attempt at writing fantasy. Yeah, so I'm a bit out of my element, which is good, don't get me wrong, it's always good to step out of ones comfort zone, but it is also a bit nerve racking.

I haven't even thought of a story to write: I just sat down and started writing and I have no idea where it came from or where it's going but there it is.

Last night was the Think Haus meeting - fun stuff. Men are silly creatures! But they are fun creatures nonetheless so it's all good. We're planning on having at Maker Faire at the end of the summer, but keep that on the down-low cause we JUST started planning.

Lots of projects going on. Tonight is a super top sekret meeting for a super top sekret project so mind your fucking business! ;)

This Saturday Jodie and I are gonna hit the Maker's Market downtown. I'm not entirely sure what that is, but I'm almost positive it involves many booths with many artisans selling their wares. Homemade stuff rocks!

Next weekend I'm getting picked up by a strange man (love you Ronny!) and being driven up to Barrie where I will get shit-faced with my awesome friends Sunny, Blake, Lexi, the aforementioned strange man, and some other hobos. I have not been drunk in a while so don't judge! lol It's all for Canada Day... that's right... Canada Day.

The Black Dahlia.



I chose the movie because Mia Kirshner is in it and she is hot. So maybe that was a bad thing to base a choice on? I think so, because the movie kinda sucked. Plus, she was barely in it! I don't want to look at Scarlett Johansson thank you very much!

Oooh! Onto yet another subject, I'm going to Ikea tomorrow morning for the first time, and though I hate the idea of Ikea, I have heard that it is indeed a weird place to be so I wanna see for myself :P

Today is fun with Don day.

Uninteresting blog post written - check.

Be good.


-Love Marylin.

This Little Piggy Went To Market

I went to the Farmer's Market yesterday and spent about fifty bucks on veggies. Some fruit too. My poor body was/is craving nutrition desperately so now my fridge is full of colourful, living things and I'm quite excited, believe it or not, to be eating it all. I got:

mushrooms
grapes
bananas
snow peas
papaya
spinach
leeks
romaine lettuce
cherry tomatoes
beets
celery
cucumber
onions
garlic
tomatoes
cilantro
strawberries
blackberries
red peppers
yam
potatoes
pineapple

and I also picked up some coriander and raw honey while I was there.

I don't know why I felt the need to post a list of what I got, maybe I'm just excited to not be eating crap. I'm just gonna binge on veggies if I have to because I'm at the end of my rope here. I'm not even concerning myself with counting calories or anything, just eat regularly, eat the good healthy stuff, and go from there.

Tonight Don came over and I made a really frikken delicious dinner consisting of red peppers, onions, garlic, fresh cilantro, black beans, stewed tomatoes, coconut oil, and spices (chili powder, cumin, and cayenne pepper) served on top of brown rice and topped with cheddar cheese (for Don) and a dollop of sour cream... soooo good.

Tomorrow I'm gonna start my day with a breakfast (gasp) of oatmeal and berries. Then Tim is gonna take me to get paint and supplies so I can finally paint my living room. At least I'll have something to do during this long weekend while everyone else enjoys turkey and chocolate and love :P

I don't know why I'm so tired right now, but my brain isn't completely on and I'm trying to fight it cause I wanna write more. must... write...

See I'm trying to get something out but the words are not forming... something to do with missing long chats with ning folks and always having someone to talk to and how it's kinda lonely now, kinda sad.

I'm practically nodding off so...

zzzzzzzzzzzz

-Love Marylin.

P.S. This blog is in dire need of a tag-reno as well as a bit of redesign!

A Bit Bored

I just got home from getting my bangs trimmed. I was terrified of going but for some reason I've felt a lot better since Don was here last night so I think that's what helped push me out the door. Mind you I took the stair-well and snuck out the side door, but I did it.

I have to admit, the worst part of it was the trimming of the bangs... she took less then a minute and left them so very uneven - they're crooked for goodness sake! Plus, I cannot stand the mirrors in hair salons: they are the scariest mirrors I've ever looked in, they make me look my very worst and I always get sad when I see myself in them.

Waiting for the second bus was shitty because it's still way too cold for my liking, but all in all I did good. I'm back at home behind locked doors and back in my comfies, smoking and typing, the way it oughta be. Because it's not as if I don't enjoy being behind my desk all the time, it's that I want it to be for no other reason than 100% choice.

Being out today also made me very uncomfortable and self concious about my weight: I'm already big, but this past while I've gained more and am carrying a lot of bloat from sitting all the time. So I gotta take care of that *sniffles. I need the stupid weather to warm up, and I've decided I need a new mp3 player because I hate walking, but I don't mind it when I'm listening to music so I think that's important. The one I have now cost $15 and broke after two months lol. I really have no idea how much a decent one would cost... I just want it to play the music, no other fancy tricks necessary.

So I need some mace and an mp3 player.

I'm hoping this lessening of anxiety persists - otherwise I don't see how I can deal with things in any constructive way.

Feeling fugly and slightly optimistic.

-Love Marylin.

Show, Don't Tell

Painting by Navonod 2008, oil and ink.
My latest gift from Don, now hanging on my wall.

-Love Marylin.

Hum Drum Dee Dum

I cut ma brotherrr in haaaaalf....

Well no, I only cut my thumb slicing into a bagel earlier today... not quite as bad, but....

What is the meaning of life, according to the gospel of Marylin: Love.

No, not being in love and all that stuff, I mean love in general: doing things you love, being with people you love, surrounding yourself with love, in whatever forms it comes.

May seem a bit idealistic to you, that's because it is. That's because although it is a simple concept, it seems utterly impossible - something always goes wrong in this crazy material world.

I'm not complaining, I'm a lucky girl, I have (according to me) a pretty good life. I'm happy for the most part, very lucky: I have a great shelter over my head with no stupid roommates, I have my sweet big daddy Georgey poo, I have some family, I have a few wonderful friends, I have more leisure time than most anyone could wish for, I've got ambition, talent, yadda yadda yadda yadda, you get the point, I'm grateful.

But I will quote from one of my own verses: 'I've seen heaven's angel face - when I came down, I was so cold - the difference was too much to take, the difference between hell and grace.'

Yeah, if you know what that means, than you know, you know.

There are certain types of love that just are. They didn't really grow and they can't really fade. It's like the love for a child, the love for a parent, the love for a friend, the love for a lover, the love for who a person is and all that comes with them, all wrapped up into one formless mess of love.

*sigh*

I don't really have a point (or perhaps I do but am holding onto it), just writing some thoughts is all.

I guess I do 'break just like a little girl'

Just remember, now is all we ever have.

On that note, I'll try to stop being so cryptic and dramatic for a bit here.

I'm pumping myself up for a big hair cut! I've always been timid about changing/cutting my hair but it's just GOT to happen. So I'm going for it and getting bangs, something I haven't had since I was eight years old - yep I got my hair cut from my butt to my shoulders and got bangs just before my first communion, oh I was a holy child! I wish I had a scanner so I could show you a pic! lol, me in my lovely white communion dress, hands held together is a pose of prayer... hahahahahaha! Oh my.

But anyway, so that's what's gonna happen to my head in the next week or two - I'll be sure to post the before and after.

I'm also on the hunt for shoes! I need to get shoes for my friend's wedding at the end of August. I love to shop, but I HATE shoppers. When I'm around people who are shopping, I want to commit violent acts and I normally wouldn't hurt a fly lol. Seriously, most people in a store are so rude, self-centered, pushy, etc. they are greedy with the need to shop shop shop, accumulate accumulate, spend spend spend! That's gross... just lemme browse at my leisure and get the fwuck out of my way you pre-fab morons!

Aaaaannyway... mmhmmm lol.

Yeah so I get to dress up real nice for my friend's wedding, which I never get to do so I'm excited about that. Not to mention excited about seeing my dear friend get married to a great guy :)

I'd personally prefer to go barefoot, but for her sake (and maybe for Don's sake too) I'll get some shoes :P I'm a good girl :)

Goin to a lan party this Saturday... my first lan party! Woohoo! Awww yeeeaaah. If you don't know what a lan party is, I'll leave you frustrated with curiousity for the time being... :P

Okay enough, this post is done.

-Love Marylin.

Clam Songs

So my friend has this chick on his messenger and her display picture is her gad damn clam! Her CLAAAAAM! Her cookie, her snatch, her special place, her pussy, her box, her hoho, her vessel of life!

What's that about? Seriously.

*Shakes head*

Anywho, all stupidity aside, I got the awesomest present from Don :) He made me one of those cool books where it's a book but there's a secret compartment inside where you can put shit that you wanna hide or whatnot.



I've always wanted one, and those are the BEST kinda gifts, ones with alot of thought and homemade!

Don rocks!

Sooo what else is new... I dunno... I made my very first pseudo video using Windows Movie Maker: just used some pics and text with an audio of me reading a poem from my book. It's pretty crappy but it was fun and I threw it on youtube to maybe sell a few more copies ;) But I'd like to experiment more with making videos because it's fun shit!

I'm reading a book called 'The Essence of Buddhism' that's been on my bookshelf for longer than I'd like to say. The Buddhism theme has been popping up like crazy in my life from so many sources that I finally decided I should learn some more about it. I also downloaded a documentary about Buddhism called 'How To Cook Your Life' that Brenda recommended - I'll be watching that shortly.

Jodie lent me a book called 'Skinny Bitch' that I devoured in one evening - an excellent read and so informative: I thought I knew alot about food but this book taught me much more. From what I've learned thus far, I should be a vegan lol. My compromise is slowly cutting out/replacing meat and dairy in my diet. Ultimately I will still consume these products, but ALOT less frequently than now. I'm basically eating little to no meat right now as it is, so that part won't be too difficult.

Hmmm I'm also reading 'Vein Of Gold' by Julia Cameron.

I did her 'Artists Way' book a few times in the past (and what a wonderful book by the way) and attempted 'Vein Of Gold' quite a while ago but ended up putting it down for a looong time. Well I'm back at it and it seems alright so far. We'll see if it's as good as TAW or not.


For those of you who don't know, Julia Cameron writes books that focus on unblocking creativity. The books are hands-on and from my experience, do wonders to kill that creative censor and get you doing what you should be doing.

Picking VOG back up was sparked not long ago by something quite bad that happened in my life - after deciding NOT to give up, for some strange and inexplicable reason, the main thing keeping me going and helping me has been doing art. I'm not a visual artist: I've always played with it and enjoyed doing it time and again, but it's not where my talent lies and so I've always kept it as a side hobby. Writing has always been my form of art, and still is, but now this need to make visual art has crept up and I honestly don't care to analyze it because it's one of the things keeping me going right now... just doing it, enjoying the process, not attempting to make masterpieces but just playing like a child would I suppose.

So there ya go, life is odd that way.

I suppose that's all for now.

-Love Marylin.

Never Ending Story

I got a Van Gogh!!! Well, a print of one anyway. I've been wanting a nice large piece to put above my kitchen table ever since I moved in and my dear Donovan came through for me last night with a salvaged, excellent condition, ginormous print of 'Starry Night' - yay! I love when stuff like that happens :P



What else is new and interesting?

I got to hold a wee baby chick on Saturday! Sooooooo cute - I got pictures! They're in Don's camera though lol.



Being there (at Howard's gorgeous old home on a beautiful huge property) made me crave something similar for myself: even just a wee little home on a decent sized property - close to the city but secluded enough to feel like you're really in nature, apart from crazy society. To lounge outside among trees and grass and gardens; to be free and inspired to write and make art and just create create create... I dunno, it's rejuvenating and I love being close to nature. Yeah I've got some ideas :P

Also went to a couple of flea Markets on Saturday - so many (toooo many) awesome things to look at! It would be dangerous for me to go there if I had alot of money!

I didn't buy anything but I definitely had my eye on an old telephone:


Sort of like this one but much nicer and it was black. It was around $40, which I probly could have done but I thought I should wait till I can really truly afford to buy it (or one similar to it). I just think it's so cool! I don't want it for use, I just want it for decoration - it will go well with the antique type writer I plan on one day finding. Awww yeeaaaah!

Blah.

What else...

Ummm oh I'll show you the thingy I made for Don! He's the clumsiest feller I ever met - he accidentally broke one of my coffee mugs but I held onto the handle for some weird reason. This is what I did with it:



Oooooh 3D-craziness!



The quote says "Mistakes are almost always of a sacred nature" - Salvador Dali

He claims to like it lol.

Ok I go now!

-Love Marylin.

Jimminy Cricket!

I saw a cricket in the apartment a little bit after Don showed up and I sort of freaked out: here's the background on my craziness:

I had a dream a few months ago that gave significance to the date June 18 (today). So, I've been patiently waiting since then to see what may or may not come to fruition because the dream gave no detail as to what the importance was.

Then I realized that it's also a full moon today, making it even more eerie! lol

So when I saw this black cricket on my floor, my mind immediately thought of the movie 'Practical Magic' and how the cricket represented the death of someone.

LOL I'm ok now :P So far nothing big has happened, but I did look up the cricket in my copy of 'Animal Wise' by Ted Andrews... the cricket now makes much more sense. ALOT more sense.

The cricket stimulates our intuition and the power of our beliefs. It is a fighting spirit, helping awaken that in us. It is a great sign of good luck. They herald an awakening of sensitivities and finding light within the dark. They are perceptive within the dark times and are able to use whatever light is available to them. They remind us to trust our own intuition. Our dreams will become more clairvoyant and we can truly rely on our dreamtime perceptions. They remind us to trust our own expressions of light, even if different from others. Now is the time to believe in and rely upon our long range perceptions and insights. We should trust in what we have always believed. The cricket's song is a song of good cheer, especially in relationships, a reminder to trust in our beliefs and perceptions about the other people in our life. Our believing is about to be rewarded and the song they are singing is of success and pleasures ahead. The cricket warns us to stay balanced and grounded when exploring or working with our intuition and psychic abilities.

So thank you to the cricket!

P.S.

"Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God"

Ruth 1:6-18

P.P.S. Happy Full Moon Everyone!!!

Jibber-Jabber

Will watching the news really keep me up to date on what's going on in the world? No. I refuse to feel guilty about the fact that I don't because all I need to do is scan the headlines and I feel like I'm dealing with aliens...

Seriously, take a fucking peek for yourself and see what the world is focusing on as most important... do I seriously live among these creatures? Negative and sensationalized and I don't care.

*sigh*

Sorry, I don't know where that came from.

I made homemade burgers and fries with yummy mango milkshakes for dinner tonight - Don says it was yummy but maybe he's afraid I'll stab him with a fork if he says otherwise ;)

Definitely good times.

Had a mini Bob Dylan marathon earlier today - love that man.

Okay that crazy French Zig-Zag guy is talking to me and I think I'm just babbling for the sake of saying something and perhaps I should have filled this space with something more poetic than this jibber-jabber I call a blog.



Hey, hey Woody Guthrie, I wrote you a song
'Bout a funny ol' world that's a-comin' along.
Seems sick an' it's hungry, it's tired an' it's torn,
It looks like it's a-dyin' an' it's hardly been born.


-Love Marylin

I Cut Ma Brotherrr In Half

Hmmm so I finally started this new blog that I've been sitting on for like a year, so go check it out: The Thrifty Witch. I believe that's blog #4 that I write on.... no I don't have an obsession...

Actually, there is going to be another new one sometime in the future, all about books baby!

So what else is new...

I'm losing weight. Doing it the slow, healthy way so it stays off for good. I don't want to get skinny though, I'd rather still have a little meat on the bones, the way women were meant to be thank you.

The only part I have trouble with is the exercise because it really hurts! LOL I know you're saying "duh, of course it hurts!" but I have to contend with the pain of Osteoarthritis and Fibromyalgia which means it doesn't get much easier as I go along, it all depends on what my body wants to throw at me any particular day.

I'm trying to find out if ODSP will cover my transportation to the YWCA so I can go swimming, but with the way they work (under the government) I'm sure it will be quite the battle.

Anyway, while we're on the subject of weight loss, I might as well rant about the whole diet thing:

Diets don't work!

When someone goes on a diet, they are usually depriving themselves of a certain food group, taking some sort of pill, or doing some other thing that isn't good for the health.

If the said diet actually works and the weight comes off (that is, if their body hasn't had enough and they don't end up binging, thus repeating the whole diet-roller coaster that reeks havoc on the body) the person usually goes back to eating the way they did before and they will gain even more weight back because the body will want to store more fat since it's felt like it has been starved during the diet period.

It's a vicious cycle and it is abusive to the body.

The only thing that is going to work and be permanent is changing the way you eat FOREVER. That sounds scary, so the key to doing that is by NOT depriving yourself, because if you do, it just won't work.

The simple fact is if you want to lose weight, you have to use more energy than you take in. You simply cannot eat too much! Sounds simple so why do most people fail?

Because they're dieting! lol

The only weight loss plans I've ever heard of actually working working are calorie counting, and weight watchers - they are basically the same exact thing except with weight watchers you use points which I find makes counting a hell of a lot simpler and thus easier to do.

The reason you need to count the calories is so you can make sure you are not taking in too many, and so that you can learn more about the foods you're eating and know that in fact a bagel counts as two servings and a seemingly innocent bran muffin packs a ton of calories (and I'm talking sometimes around 500 or more!).



Keep counting and you will eventually begin to memorize a whole lot of it, making it easier to continue eating properly.

But remember, you cannot deprive yourself! That's just asking for disaster. The key is moderation and common sense.

You have to eat healthy. Make it more interesting and more beneficial by getting many different kinds of produce so you don't end up getting sick of anything - makes it more fun too.

Hell I'm doing it and I hardly ever eat salad, imagine that lol.

People eat too much. Once you start eating less, you'll probably wonder how you could have eaten as much as you did before you started.



Don't be an idiot! Know yourself. What are your weaknesses? I can't keep certain foods in the house because I just KNOW I will binge on them, so I just eat those foods outside the home, in moderation.

Pop is a culprit. Regular pop is loaded with sugar, which is very fattening, and diet pop is loaded with sodium and aspartame, which will bloat you and do all kinds of horrible things to your body. I refuse to keep it in my house so if I want some I have to go buy a can at the store and I won't drink diet so I really have to think about whether I want to waste those points/calories on a can of pop.



But if you don't eat things you like, you will regret it. You will eventually give in and probably binge because you've been deprived for so long. So the ticket is to eat what you like, but not all the time and in moderation.

I'm doing it right now and I don't feel AT ALL like I'm dieting. And I'm losing weight. Since I know it will take a very long time to lose all the weight I want to lose, I know what I'm doing is right because I feel confident that I'll have no problem eating this way for the rest of my life. It's just more satisfying over-all because when you eat right, you feel so much better and hardly ever crave bad foods.

I could go on about this subject forever so I'll just add a few more things:

You HAVE to eat regularly. This has been a huge problem for me in the past (and still sometimes now). But the fact is, it screws up your metabolism if you don't eat every few hours. If you don't eat regularly, you will not lose weight, plain and simple.

You cannot weigh yourself too often! This will just screw with your mind and make you obsessed with the numbers because the body fluctuates in weight all the time. I'd say once a week is your best bet.



Water is so important. We're made up of mostly water and the body functions at its best when we are drinking enough of it. Water helps you lose weight, it cleanses the systems, helps flush things out, and makes the body perform it's functions better.

Don't get depressed if you have a week of not losing any weight, or even gaining a bit of weight: it doesn't necessarily mean you're doing anything wrong so just keep at it and you'll probably see results next time. If the pattern keeps repeating though, you have to look closer at what you're doing and possibly make some changes.

Anyways, I'm sure that's enough ranting for now lol.

I'll close with an accomplishment =) I make these disgustingly delicious brownies that Don is in love with. They're just too good not to eat lol. So I made him a batch yesterday and whilst I was baking, I counted up how many points they were so that I could safely enjoy one for myself and know how much I was putting in my body.

This is what I'm talking about with being smart and moderation. This way you are fully satisfied and don't have to explain to everyone why you cannot eat dessert lol.

Alright, enough.

Happy mother's day to all the good ones out there, and especially my own mum who is the bestest and would give her arm and leg up for her children - I love you!!!

-Love Marylin.

I See The Sun!

Spring is finally here, and lo and behold, I'm alive again.

My SAD wasn't nearly as bad as usual this winter though, and I account that to the fact that I changed my living situation, cut out people who were not really my friends at all, and had the support of my best friend, who is my rock for better or worse.

If I stay on this track, I expect each year to get better and better. It's a hard road but it's my road.

I'm feeling pretty darn good all in all. My only real complaint would have to be the over-all health, but that, too is being improved through perseverance. I will always be "sick" but I don't always have to be sick, lol.

Had a trip to the emergency this week due to unexplainable pain. Getting an ultrasound on Tuesday but I'm hoping it was just a bad case of ovulation pain (cross my fingers).

Gross! Speaking of health, I've completely cut out all artificial sweetener from my diet. It started when I tried a cookie recipe using Splenda: the cookies tasted horrible and went into the trash. After some research on Splenda, I found out that it isn't even made from real sugar like they claim. They call it sucralose to trick people into thinking it's sucrose (real sugar). Not only that, but it's full of the same chlorine that's used in swimming pools. No thank you sir.
Than I realized that there are only 15 calories in 1 teaspoon of sugar. Considering I only use sugar in my coffee, I found it pretty stupid of me to be using sweetener to save calories. The chemicals of the sweetener are doing far more damage to me than a bit of sugar ever would. I urge everyone to do some research on the subject. Even if you're trying to lose weight (which I am) or are diabetic, using real sugar is still going to be better in the long run. Just off the top of my head - sweeteners make you retain water, which makes you bloated and weigh more.

"Diet soda, which generally is sweetened with aspartame, has been shown to be linked to an increased incidence of obesity by Sharon P. Fowler, MPH, and colleagues at the University of Texas Health Science Center, San Antonio in a recent study."



But I digress.

Doing spring cleaning! My spring cleaning usually lasts throughout the whole spring because I really get down to the details. I scrub, I purge, I organize.

Professionally I'm still procrastinating! Gods help me. I've got a domain up and ready for action but it's still not done! I managed to create a whole site from scratch for my brother and did quite a bit of work on Don's site and blog, but my own site? nope. That too, will be remedied though, and I'm not terribly worried - I've got a purpose and I will fulfill it.

I've been in a huge cooking/baking mood lately! I love it! Thank goodness I have someone to cook for sometimes or it just wouldn't be as fun.

Going to Hempfest, today being 4/20 and all. Should be interesting...

Ta!

-Love Marylin

Photos And All Out Kahos

After transforming ourselves into Ana the lover, and Lilith the demon, Shauna and I, along with Grant and Don, headed down to the Hermitage on Saturday afternoon with the intent of taking photos.

Here is one of the many trails that Don thought would lead us to the ruins...



And here are the ruins after we finally found them.





After standing in the scorching sun, trying to get the poses just right for the scenes I wrote, we gave up on the script and opted for some spontaneous fun!



This was part of the scene but it looks more like Grant is trying to get lucky...



Spontaneous fun involves props...



A big man with a big mace...



What are you doing to the mace, Grant?



And Don broke the chain after doing God knows what with it in the shower...



Yeah baby!



And more picture taking...





Okay kids, we're outta here!




What a fun day! We headed to an old graveyard to take more artistic photos but the place ended up being fenced in and we had to cancel those plans.

We ended the day with dinner at Tally Ho's and a trip to Value Village, where Grant found this awesome game that combines poker, blackjack, roulette, craps, and twenty-one all in one fun filled game. I think I won, lol.

Unfortunately most of my pictures turned out horribly (see above), but there are few gems I'm going to hoard for later ;)


Love Marylin.