Random 2013 art journal page.
<3 M
February 9, 2014
January 28, 2014
January 9, 2014
January 8, 2014
January 6, 2014
September 20, 2013
Less Sex, More Meat
During my research into Adrenal Fatigue, I came across the website of Dr. L Wilson, and what I believe must be the most ridiculous argument against a vegetarian or vegan diet.
I can't advocate for or against these diets because I'm still searching for my own answers, but I think most meat eaters and their vegetarian counterparts would agree that this doctor's lack of research is not the biggest flaw in his articles.
According to Dr. Wilson, (sic) some women develop a strange craving for male semen [...] This may sound odd, but it is quite common, especially among semi-vegetarian and vegetarian women. They want frequent sex without condoms because they feel better when they absorb more male sexual fluid.
So basically, these vegetarian women (for some reason it doesn't extend to men) are so meat deficient that they try to get their fill with cum.
But wait, it gets better.
The problem is these women literally wear out their husbands and boyfriends, wanting sex daily or every other day in most cases. It is not about enjoying the orgasms and some women don’t even have orgasms and don’t care. It is the fluid they want. This can be very hard on marriages and other man-woman relationships.
If the man in their life cannot satisfy their new craving, some are tempted to go outside the marriage or relationship for sex. This, of course, is extremely disruptive to their primary relationship, especially if the partner finds out, it spreads disease fast, and it puts the woman in physical danger although she may not realize it.
Ladies, if you don't eat meat, you will fuck-up your relationships by becoming sperm-hungry adulteress. I guess we can surmise from this that it's okay for men to be vegetarians then?
One solution is simply more sex. However, the craving easily becomes an addiction if one chooses this route. Then it is even harder to control A better solution is less sex, more love and more red meat. This will help preserve the marriage or relationship, since for almost all men, sex once a week is plenty, and once a month is fine, too. Sex with ejaculation is quite depleting for men.
So if you have too much sex, you're at risk of becoming addicted to semen. You're way better off with less sex and more meat!
On a side note, I'd like to ask the men out there if what this doctor says is true: do almost all men feel that once a week and even once a month is plenty as far as sex goes?
What kind of science do you have to back up this claim, Dr. Wilson?
(sic) I am not sure why eating red meat is so helpful, but it is.
The only thing that works besides more sex seem to be that these women must eat red meat such as lamb, wild game or perhaps some beef several times weekly. Only then does the craving seem to subside. Sadly, many do not like red meat, but this is needed. Taking a powerful digestive aid such as GB-3 from Endomet labs may help to digest meat.
Don't fuck, eat chuck. (sorry, I couldn't resist).
Anyway, if it's that important to eat all that meat, why do you need to take digestive aids to do so?
In a more thorough article entitled Sexual Fluid Craving, Dr. Wilson goes on to describe the condition more thoroughly:
Sexual fluid craving is a condition in which a person has feelings of depression, fatigue and even despair that are relieved when their body absorbs just a little sexual fluid, usually from a man. It can be absorbed in the vagina, by mouth, or just rubbed on the skin. This unusual condition is most common in women, and affects millions of young women, as well as some young men.
The vegetarian diet could also be the downfall of society:
The main effect of sexual fluid craving is a highly disruptive one on teen chastity, on marriages, on genital health, and perhaps other aspects of society. It tends to cause the society to condone pre-marital sex, more divorce, homosexuality, abortion, the use of dangerous drugs such as birth control pills, and perhaps has other effects, as well.
[...] it causes millions of very young women, ages 15 to 25, for example (why so young?), to want to have a boyfriend and “play house”. This is a euphemism for having frequent sex together, usually without a condom so they can get the fluid they want. To prevent pregnancies without condoms, the young women are often on birth control pills or patches, which are horrible for their health. Some of the young ladies end up getting abortions, which is also hard on them, but is a common part of the fluid craving ‘lifestyle’.
It's a lifestyle.
Sexual fluid craving may help explain why those who wish to destroy a society often rape the women and even the men, as it is an effective and fast way to cause sexual fluid craving. This, in turn, disrupts the marriages, corrupts the young, encourages abortions and so on. It also leads to more lying, cheating on one’s mate, and “stealing” fluid from others, which is a type of vampire-like behavior. It also makes women much more aggressive, in some cases, and may result in more homosexuality.
This craving can bring out a selfish quality that can become exaggerated. A person craving sexual fluid, for example, may go outside her marriage to obtain male fluid, even though she may not even enjoy the sex. She simply wants or feels she must have the sexual fluid. She may also take chances of obtaining sexually-transmitted or venereal diseases, and may infect her partner with them, all to get more fluid.
All to get more fluid...
One of the causes of sexual fluid addiction, according to Dr. Wilson, is a possible entity attachment.
Weakening of the body due to too much sex as a result of sexual fluid craving often opens the body to entity attachment. Many do not believe in this, but it has been written about extensively. It has been mentioned [ ] as a possible cause or contributor to sexual fluid craving. However, it is also a possible consequence of the condition, as well. When this happens, which is hard to identify for a person, the condition often gets worse because the discarnate entities often encourage the behavior.
It appears that in some cases, after a woman is raped, for example, souls that float around freely and are sometimes called entities or discarnate souls, get inside the body. They can get into a woman’s body, where they might irritate the vaginal area or do other things that cause or contribute to sexual fluid craving.
This is a difficult subject to discuss rationally, as some people don’t believe in discarnate souls or entities. However, they are real, and a Google search will reveal many books about them. In fact, both the Old and New Testaments of the Bible mention them a number of times.
The bible, ya don't say...
Another cause of sexual fluid addiction is having too many orgasms. Too much sex or too much masturbation in a woman or man can deplete sexual fluid and can cause or worsen sexual fluid craving.
Sigh.
Did you know that sexual fluid addiction explains homosexual behaviours?
Sex fluid craving affects some, and perhaps many male and female homosexuals. In fact, sexual fluid craving can help one understand some homosexual behaviors when one realizes that they may be attempts to absorb more male sexual fluid. This includes such things as smearing the fluid on one’s body or the body of one’s partner or mate. One can absorb the fluid through the skin, in the anus, in the mouth, swallowing it, and a very effective way is to rub it in one’s eyes and ears, and on other delicate parts of the body.
As one follows the program, the entire homosexual lifestyle may begin to seem odd or strange. I do not understand why this is so, but it can be confusing for homosexual men, in particular. Clients report that this causes feelings of extreme loneliness, depression and anxiety. However, once a person works through this, by staying with their nutritional balancing program, which might take a few weeks to a few months, then life becomes much easier and much happier. Often, homosexual desires are gone and the sexual craving is also gone, or much reduced.
What else?
Christian young women who do not want to have sex before marriage are still affected by sexual fluid craving. However, they seem to be able to put up with the condition without too much trouble in many cases (aw well that's good). Becoming a Christian seems to help with the feelings of depression and fatigue that give rise to the craving.
[...] the so-called women’s liberation movement unfortunately can make sexual craving a far worse problem that breaks up relationships that otherwise are going well. It also fosters selfishness among women, guilt in some cases, and causes more sexually transmitted disease, which is already a terrible epidemic.
Vampirism. One of the worst outcomes is that it turns otherwise fine young and older women into selfish nutritional vampires who basically crave and steal seminal fluid any way they can, at times, with no regard for their own dignity, for love, or for the well-being of their partners or mates.
Like all addictions, if left unchecked it can ruins people’s lives, ruin families and children, and has repercussions for the entire social fabric of society. The reason for this is that the family unit and stable man-woman relationships are the basis for a stable, and happy society. This is the truth, even if modern psychologists disagree.
It's the fucking truth.
So now that we know about this horrible disease, how can we get help?
Well, following the prescribed nutritional balancing program is one important step, according to the doctor, and it is especially (sic) VERY IMPORTANT IS TO AVOID ALL FRUIT, although I do not know why this is so.
He doesn't know why, but do it anyway.
To wrap up, sexual fluid addiction can be caused by: lack of meat in the diet, discarnate entities, women's liberation; can cause homosexuality, adultery, semen robbery, wreckage of families and societies, promiscuity and all the accompanying issues (STDs, abortions, rape, etc.); and can be cured by having less sex (leave the poor men alone!), eating all the meat, no fruit, and becoming a Christian.
I hope you enjoyed my review of Dr. Wilson's article. If you aren't yet convinced that meat = good, I give you the following from the vegetarian diet section of the doctor's website:
IS THERE ANYTHING POSITIVE FOR ANIMALS REGARDING EATING MEAT? (sic)
Yes. When animals spend time around human beings, even penned up in cages the way chickens and cattle often are, they advance spiritually. This is the truth. The same is true of owning pet animals, too.
Bam.
Notes:
all italicized text is citation from the following sources:
http://www.drlwilson.com/articles/SEXUAL%20CRAVING.htm
http://www.drlwilson.com/articles/VEGETABLEDIETS.htm
all emphasis in bold and/or underlined text is my own
I am not advocating any particular diet choice, all dietary info is that of Dr. L. Wilson
I realize I am being a bitch by 'poking fun' at someone's beliefs, but I'm using the excuse that the source was asking for it by publishing his beliefs as facts.
I apologize for the over-use of memes - I've been reading buzzfeed too much.
<3 M
I can't advocate for or against these diets because I'm still searching for my own answers, but I think most meat eaters and their vegetarian counterparts would agree that this doctor's lack of research is not the biggest flaw in his articles.
According to Dr. Wilson, (sic) some women develop a strange craving for male semen [...] This may sound odd, but it is quite common, especially among semi-vegetarian and vegetarian women. They want frequent sex without condoms because they feel better when they absorb more male sexual fluid.
So basically, these vegetarian women (for some reason it doesn't extend to men) are so meat deficient that they try to get their fill with cum.
But wait, it gets better.
The problem is these women literally wear out their husbands and boyfriends, wanting sex daily or every other day in most cases. It is not about enjoying the orgasms and some women don’t even have orgasms and don’t care. It is the fluid they want. This can be very hard on marriages and other man-woman relationships.
If the man in their life cannot satisfy their new craving, some are tempted to go outside the marriage or relationship for sex. This, of course, is extremely disruptive to their primary relationship, especially if the partner finds out, it spreads disease fast, and it puts the woman in physical danger although she may not realize it.
Ladies, if you don't eat meat, you will fuck-up your relationships by becoming sperm-hungry adulteress. I guess we can surmise from this that it's okay for men to be vegetarians then?
One solution is simply more sex. However, the craving easily becomes an addiction if one chooses this route. Then it is even harder to control A better solution is less sex, more love and more red meat. This will help preserve the marriage or relationship, since for almost all men, sex once a week is plenty, and once a month is fine, too. Sex with ejaculation is quite depleting for men.
So if you have too much sex, you're at risk of becoming addicted to semen. You're way better off with less sex and more meat!
On a side note, I'd like to ask the men out there if what this doctor says is true: do almost all men feel that once a week and even once a month is plenty as far as sex goes?
What kind of science do you have to back up this claim, Dr. Wilson?
(sic) I am not sure why eating red meat is so helpful, but it is.
Don't fuck, eat chuck. (sorry, I couldn't resist).
Anyway, if it's that important to eat all that meat, why do you need to take digestive aids to do so?
In a more thorough article entitled Sexual Fluid Craving, Dr. Wilson goes on to describe the condition more thoroughly:
Sexual fluid craving is a condition in which a person has feelings of depression, fatigue and even despair that are relieved when their body absorbs just a little sexual fluid, usually from a man. It can be absorbed in the vagina, by mouth, or just rubbed on the skin. This unusual condition is most common in women, and affects millions of young women, as well as some young men.
The vegetarian diet could also be the downfall of society:
The main effect of sexual fluid craving is a highly disruptive one on teen chastity, on marriages, on genital health, and perhaps other aspects of society. It tends to cause the society to condone pre-marital sex, more divorce, homosexuality, abortion, the use of dangerous drugs such as birth control pills, and perhaps has other effects, as well.
It's a lifestyle.
This craving can bring out a selfish quality that can become exaggerated. A person craving sexual fluid, for example, may go outside her marriage to obtain male fluid, even though she may not even enjoy the sex. She simply wants or feels she must have the sexual fluid. She may also take chances of obtaining sexually-transmitted or venereal diseases, and may infect her partner with them, all to get more fluid.
All to get more fluid...
One of the causes of sexual fluid addiction, according to Dr. Wilson, is a possible entity attachment.
Weakening of the body due to too much sex as a result of sexual fluid craving often opens the body to entity attachment. Many do not believe in this, but it has been written about extensively. It has been mentioned [ ] as a possible cause or contributor to sexual fluid craving. However, it is also a possible consequence of the condition, as well. When this happens, which is hard to identify for a person, the condition often gets worse because the discarnate entities often encourage the behavior.
It appears that in some cases, after a woman is raped, for example, souls that float around freely and are sometimes called entities or discarnate souls, get inside the body. They can get into a woman’s body, where they might irritate the vaginal area or do other things that cause or contribute to sexual fluid craving.
This is a difficult subject to discuss rationally, as some people don’t believe in discarnate souls or entities. However, they are real, and a Google search will reveal many books about them. In fact, both the Old and New Testaments of the Bible mention them a number of times.
The bible, ya don't say...
Another cause of sexual fluid addiction is having too many orgasms. Too much sex or too much masturbation in a woman or man can deplete sexual fluid and can cause or worsen sexual fluid craving.
Sigh.
Did you know that sexual fluid addiction explains homosexual behaviours?
Sex fluid craving affects some, and perhaps many male and female homosexuals. In fact, sexual fluid craving can help one understand some homosexual behaviors when one realizes that they may be attempts to absorb more male sexual fluid. This includes such things as smearing the fluid on one’s body or the body of one’s partner or mate. One can absorb the fluid through the skin, in the anus, in the mouth, swallowing it, and a very effective way is to rub it in one’s eyes and ears, and on other delicate parts of the body.
As one follows the program, the entire homosexual lifestyle may begin to seem odd or strange. I do not understand why this is so, but it can be confusing for homosexual men, in particular. Clients report that this causes feelings of extreme loneliness, depression and anxiety. However, once a person works through this, by staying with their nutritional balancing program, which might take a few weeks to a few months, then life becomes much easier and much happier. Often, homosexual desires are gone and the sexual craving is also gone, or much reduced.
What else?
Christian young women who do not want to have sex before marriage are still affected by sexual fluid craving. However, they seem to be able to put up with the condition without too much trouble in many cases (aw well that's good). Becoming a Christian seems to help with the feelings of depression and fatigue that give rise to the craving.
[...] the so-called women’s liberation movement unfortunately can make sexual craving a far worse problem that breaks up relationships that otherwise are going well. It also fosters selfishness among women, guilt in some cases, and causes more sexually transmitted disease, which is already a terrible epidemic.
Vampirism. One of the worst outcomes is that it turns otherwise fine young and older women into selfish nutritional vampires who basically crave and steal seminal fluid any way they can, at times, with no regard for their own dignity, for love, or for the well-being of their partners or mates.
Like all addictions, if left unchecked it can ruins people’s lives, ruin families and children, and has repercussions for the entire social fabric of society. The reason for this is that the family unit and stable man-woman relationships are the basis for a stable, and happy society. This is the truth, even if modern psychologists disagree.
It's the fucking truth.
So now that we know about this horrible disease, how can we get help?
Well, following the prescribed nutritional balancing program is one important step, according to the doctor, and it is especially (sic) VERY IMPORTANT IS TO AVOID ALL FRUIT, although I do not know why this is so.
He doesn't know why, but do it anyway.
To wrap up, sexual fluid addiction can be caused by: lack of meat in the diet, discarnate entities, women's liberation; can cause homosexuality, adultery, semen robbery, wreckage of families and societies, promiscuity and all the accompanying issues (STDs, abortions, rape, etc.); and can be cured by having less sex (leave the poor men alone!), eating all the meat, no fruit, and becoming a Christian.
I hope you enjoyed my review of Dr. Wilson's article. If you aren't yet convinced that meat = good, I give you the following from the vegetarian diet section of the doctor's website:
IS THERE ANYTHING POSITIVE FOR ANIMALS REGARDING EATING MEAT? (sic)
Yes. When animals spend time around human beings, even penned up in cages the way chickens and cattle often are, they advance spiritually. This is the truth. The same is true of owning pet animals, too.
Bam.
Notes:
http://www.drlwilson.com/articles/SEXUAL%20CRAVING.htm
http://www.drlwilson.com/articles/VEGETABLEDIETS.htm
<3 M
September 16, 2013
Supercrawling
I didn't wanna go to the Supercrawl - I was sore and way too anxious to be around all those people. But I forced myself because I guess I felt I would rather be in pain and have anxiety than to sit home like I always do and feel like the world is spinning without me, and I'm watching people live their lives in ways I just cannot.
I love my city and the things I love most about it are things I have difficulty participating in because of my illnesses and social anxiety and that pisses me off so much.
So I went with Brian. There were about 200% more people there than I imagined - it was huge and awesome. I was nervous and overwhelmed but after being there a while, I started to relax and focus more on the art than on how I was feeling and how I might look to everyone else.
And I had a good time and felt the same inspiration I always do when I go to the Art Crawl, except much more so.
I bought a small print by local artist Megan Rae:
You can see more of her stuff here and on her website here.
I also bought two prints by another local artist, Tim Francis. After working at Dofasco most of his life, he retired in 2004 and opened a gallery on James St. N.
I got signed prints of Irving's clothing store on James Street that I cannot find a picture of for some reason, and a larger print of This Aint Hollywood:
We decided to end the evening by stopping at This Aint Hollywood for a drink.
I love this city.
<3 M
I love my city and the things I love most about it are things I have difficulty participating in because of my illnesses and social anxiety and that pisses me off so much.
So I went with Brian. There were about 200% more people there than I imagined - it was huge and awesome. I was nervous and overwhelmed but after being there a while, I started to relax and focus more on the art than on how I was feeling and how I might look to everyone else.
And I had a good time and felt the same inspiration I always do when I go to the Art Crawl, except much more so.
I bought a small print by local artist Megan Rae:
She has a lot of work I really like, and a lot of pretty cool surrealist stuff, like this Dali-esque peice:
I also bought two prints by another local artist, Tim Francis. After working at Dofasco most of his life, he retired in 2004 and opened a gallery on James St. N.
I got signed prints of Irving's clothing store on James Street that I cannot find a picture of for some reason, and a larger print of This Aint Hollywood:
We decided to end the evening by stopping at This Aint Hollywood for a drink.
I love this city.
<3 M
August 3, 2013
I never realized
... (and I would have never believed) that a person's social anxiety could effect socializing online as well. That's depressing.
<3 M
<3 M
May 29, 2013
May 23, 2013
(Really) Glad To Be Alive
I almost died yesterday.
My day started of okay - had a routine cleaning at the dentist for 11am: the hygenist was extremely chatty the whole time, which makes me anxious, although she was very nice and kept going on about how beautiful my teeth were.
Value Village is in the same plaza as my dentist and that's where I headed after my appointment. After heaping my cart full, I proceeded to the change room where I spent a generous and painful length of time trying on various things. After a while, I was so sore that I just had to stop. I was also starting to get hives, which is normal for me as I've been getting them for the past two years whenever the lightest sweat breaks out (it's very frustrating).
I left the change room and started looking through the items in my cart. After a minute or so, I started having trouble breathing, so I started taking my inhaler, but it wasn't helping and the hives were getting worse. I went to sit down and text Brian and right after that, I felt my face was swelling up. At that point I dialed 911 and went outside to the front of the store, leaving my cart inside. My breathing was worsening by the second and by the time I spoke to the lady on the other end, I could barely speak.
So I waiting, bent over a railing, trying with all my strength to just breath.
The ambulance seemed to take forever to arrive - longest time I've ever waited for an ambulance. Meanwhile, the 911 lady kept asking me questions, and I eventually just stopped answering her because they had nothing to do with my condition and I couldn't talk!
Then a woman coming out of value village starting acting like my nurse, putting her face in mine, asking me dumb questions, leaning her hand on my back, making it even harder to breath. I felt like crying. I didn't know what to do.
When the ambulance finally did arrive, they slowly sauntered over to me as if I was suffering from a minor boo-boo and proceeded to ask me questions like "what is the matter,?" "what's your name?" "do you know where you are?" etc etc - all of these questions and they still hadn't even touched me. I stopped trying to answer their stupid questions because I felt like I was literally drowning - I couldn't get ANY air.
So then they put an oxygen mask on me, which was not emitting ANYTHING. I tried to tell them but they didn't listen. I took the mask off to look at what might be the issue and the place where the oxygen is supposed to com out was covered by some kind of plug. I tried keeping the mask off of me because it was making it way way harder to breath, but they kept putting it back on me.
At this point, I was pretty sure I was going to die. They were taking their time. And they stopped trying to put my mask back on. But I didn't want to die, so I started trying to beg with what little air I guess I was getting (no idea how) - "please help me!" "I can't fucking breath," "please, you don't understand!" And the EMS guy was quite annoyed by this point, and just barked back "this is our job - we know what we're doing!"
THEN they give me an epi-shot. Get me onto the bed thing (whatever it's called), and proceeded to take their time. I started clawing and thrashing out of desperation (not at anyone, just the bed thing) the same way one would if they were underwater drowning - it's an instinct - even if you want to die, your body automatically tries to fight it. I got yelled at again. I've never begged that hard or desperately in my whole fucking life.
At that point, I just accepted I was gonna die and tried not to fight it anymore - next to impossible.
So they had me lying down flat on this bed, and for anyone who knows about asthma or breathing problems, you know that's the worst possible position - sitting up and/or turning on your side makes it easier to breath for some reason. So I tried my best to wiggle to my side, which was next to impossible cause they had me belted in so tightly.
They finally put me in the back of the ambulance, where I was half in the bed, and half leaning against some kind of glass cabinets. The didn't touch me again. Just left me alone, and I actually started to be able to breath a tiny bit, laying on my side, which was so relieving.
We finally got there... did I mention they didn't even turn on their siren until we were just about to arrive? They rolled me into the hospital, into a room, where there was about seven staff. The EMS still hadn't touched me - in fact the one guy told them in a very annoyed tone, that I had no idea who I was or where I was, etc. WTF. Yes I did. I just couldn't breath, motherfucker!
They placed me onto the bed in the room, and put an oxygen mask on me that actually had oxygen coming out of it! From there on I knew I would live because they were all there giving me what I needed as if it was an emergency. I got two more epi-shots, an IV with Saline, Magnesium Sulfate, Prednisone. They gave me ventolin, lots of oxygen... hooked me all up with electrodes and basically made it so I could actually breathe again. And they were nice to me, too.
Brian came - walked at lightening speed from downtown to the Jurevinski hospital - first time I'd ever had someone at my bedside at the hospital. Felt odd but good.They continued treatment and monitoring for several hours until they were sure I was stable and okay.
I was exhausted, and in so much pain: one particular nurse, who I'm sure meant well, kept squeezing and poking my arm, not sure why but I think she was hooking lots of stuff up to me. I kept saying ow because it fucking hurt like a bitch, and finally I said "I have Fibromyalgia" and they were like "oooohhh, okay" - I don't usually complain when stuff like that happens, but it was too much. At least they understood why it was hurting me so much when I volunteered that information. It made me realize the importance of letting people know so don't hurt me inadvertently.
This same nurse, when the moved me to another room when I was stable, came in and slapped my leg "affectionately" asking how I was doing. I screamed because it felt like she just dropped a ton of bricks on my leg. Sigh.
Yesterday was not my day. But I lived.
So a bit of background: as I said, for the past two years or so, I get hives so easily, just from a tiny bit of sweat. They usually start on my chest and can stay for a quite a while.
Then about a month or two ago, I started going to the YWCA to use the treadmill, which I'd done many times before and never had an issue. One day I came home and almost immediately broke out in hives all over my body, itchy, sooo itchy. I was itchy inside and outside - and I felt myself swelling up - my face, eyes, lips, basically my entire face, so much so that you could still see the effects of the swelling two days after. The scariest thing though, was that my throat was beginning to constrict.
So I laid down in bed, put the fan on my full blast, and concentrated on relaxing my body, and breathing, paying attention to the swelling so that I'd know if it got serious enough I would call 911. The only reason I knew that it was a serious thing, is because since I was a little girl I have been allergic to fish, so much so, that even to touch the juice of it sent me into severe antifilactic shock - my eyes would swell completely shut and my throat would swell and cut off my air completely. I had twenty minutes then I'd be dead. When I got a bit older, they shortened my time of death to three minutes - scary stuff.
After that exercise incident happened, I went to the doctor and told her about it: she set up an appointment with an allergist and gave me a prescription for an epi-pen. She also told me to take allergy pills before doing any exercise, just in case.
Well we found out yesterday that ODSP doesn't even cover an epi-pen - something that could save your life quite literally. I thought that was ridiculous. Brian brought the perscription in to get filled and they handed him a form - not an epi-pen, and told him I have to go back to my doctor to have the form filled out. If I had had that epi-pen yesterday, things might have turned out quite differently. Luckily, the nice doctor who took care of me yesterday was awesome and filled out some form for me to take to the pharmacy to make it so I can get it covered. A hundred dollars is what it would have cost.
He also prescribed me a new inhaler since I used it all up trying to breath in the value village yesterday, and three days worth of prednisone.
So, I went into antifilactic shock yesterday, so bad that it almost killed me. And just from my own perspiration, apparently. What's that about? My throat closed up, and I couldn't breath. That was the scariest thing I can think of that I've gone through - I find it really upsetting to think about so I've noticed I've been trying to stuff it inside so I don't have to deal with it.
I know I have been quite judgmental in this post, mostly regarding the EMS people, and it's quite possible they were doing everything they were supposed to do and it just didn't seem like they were because I was so desperate to breath that I couldn't help feeling that way. I realize this - I just really needed to vent it all.
I've had to call 911 various times in my past due to asthma attacks and every time, the ambulance arrived quickly, acted quickly, gave me oxygen right away, took me to the hospital asap. So I just don't get what they were doing yesterday.
Also, I'm extremely grateful that I had the brains to call 911 - my pattern has always been to avoid calling them at all costs until I knew I would absolutely die if I didn't. I'm not sure why I have been this way except maybe that that's what my mother has always done, or because I didn't want to "waste their time" unless absolutely necessary, or I just didn't care about myself enough. Or maybe all of that is why.
So all I know is that I am somehow alive today.
What scares me now, is that this could happen to me again at any time, any place, any day. It has been easy with the fish allergy because I just had to avoid fish. It would seem now I have to avoid sweating too much (until maybe the allergist can figure out what's going on), which is really impossible since it happens just when I make dinner, and not to mention summer is just about here. I'm scared.
Not sure if anyone will read all of this since it's a pretty long post, but for those who do, thanks.
<3 M
My day started of okay - had a routine cleaning at the dentist for 11am: the hygenist was extremely chatty the whole time, which makes me anxious, although she was very nice and kept going on about how beautiful my teeth were.
Value Village is in the same plaza as my dentist and that's where I headed after my appointment. After heaping my cart full, I proceeded to the change room where I spent a generous and painful length of time trying on various things. After a while, I was so sore that I just had to stop. I was also starting to get hives, which is normal for me as I've been getting them for the past two years whenever the lightest sweat breaks out (it's very frustrating).
I left the change room and started looking through the items in my cart. After a minute or so, I started having trouble breathing, so I started taking my inhaler, but it wasn't helping and the hives were getting worse. I went to sit down and text Brian and right after that, I felt my face was swelling up. At that point I dialed 911 and went outside to the front of the store, leaving my cart inside. My breathing was worsening by the second and by the time I spoke to the lady on the other end, I could barely speak.
So I waiting, bent over a railing, trying with all my strength to just breath.
The ambulance seemed to take forever to arrive - longest time I've ever waited for an ambulance. Meanwhile, the 911 lady kept asking me questions, and I eventually just stopped answering her because they had nothing to do with my condition and I couldn't talk!
Then a woman coming out of value village starting acting like my nurse, putting her face in mine, asking me dumb questions, leaning her hand on my back, making it even harder to breath. I felt like crying. I didn't know what to do.
When the ambulance finally did arrive, they slowly sauntered over to me as if I was suffering from a minor boo-boo and proceeded to ask me questions like "what is the matter,?" "what's your name?" "do you know where you are?" etc etc - all of these questions and they still hadn't even touched me. I stopped trying to answer their stupid questions because I felt like I was literally drowning - I couldn't get ANY air.
So then they put an oxygen mask on me, which was not emitting ANYTHING. I tried to tell them but they didn't listen. I took the mask off to look at what might be the issue and the place where the oxygen is supposed to com out was covered by some kind of plug. I tried keeping the mask off of me because it was making it way way harder to breath, but they kept putting it back on me.
At this point, I was pretty sure I was going to die. They were taking their time. And they stopped trying to put my mask back on. But I didn't want to die, so I started trying to beg with what little air I guess I was getting (no idea how) - "please help me!" "I can't fucking breath," "please, you don't understand!" And the EMS guy was quite annoyed by this point, and just barked back "this is our job - we know what we're doing!"
THEN they give me an epi-shot. Get me onto the bed thing (whatever it's called), and proceeded to take their time. I started clawing and thrashing out of desperation (not at anyone, just the bed thing) the same way one would if they were underwater drowning - it's an instinct - even if you want to die, your body automatically tries to fight it. I got yelled at again. I've never begged that hard or desperately in my whole fucking life.
At that point, I just accepted I was gonna die and tried not to fight it anymore - next to impossible.
So they had me lying down flat on this bed, and for anyone who knows about asthma or breathing problems, you know that's the worst possible position - sitting up and/or turning on your side makes it easier to breath for some reason. So I tried my best to wiggle to my side, which was next to impossible cause they had me belted in so tightly.
They finally put me in the back of the ambulance, where I was half in the bed, and half leaning against some kind of glass cabinets. The didn't touch me again. Just left me alone, and I actually started to be able to breath a tiny bit, laying on my side, which was so relieving.
We finally got there... did I mention they didn't even turn on their siren until we were just about to arrive? They rolled me into the hospital, into a room, where there was about seven staff. The EMS still hadn't touched me - in fact the one guy told them in a very annoyed tone, that I had no idea who I was or where I was, etc. WTF. Yes I did. I just couldn't breath, motherfucker!
They placed me onto the bed in the room, and put an oxygen mask on me that actually had oxygen coming out of it! From there on I knew I would live because they were all there giving me what I needed as if it was an emergency. I got two more epi-shots, an IV with Saline, Magnesium Sulfate, Prednisone. They gave me ventolin, lots of oxygen... hooked me all up with electrodes and basically made it so I could actually breathe again. And they were nice to me, too.
Brian came - walked at lightening speed from downtown to the Jurevinski hospital - first time I'd ever had someone at my bedside at the hospital. Felt odd but good.They continued treatment and monitoring for several hours until they were sure I was stable and okay.
I was exhausted, and in so much pain: one particular nurse, who I'm sure meant well, kept squeezing and poking my arm, not sure why but I think she was hooking lots of stuff up to me. I kept saying ow because it fucking hurt like a bitch, and finally I said "I have Fibromyalgia" and they were like "oooohhh, okay" - I don't usually complain when stuff like that happens, but it was too much. At least they understood why it was hurting me so much when I volunteered that information. It made me realize the importance of letting people know so don't hurt me inadvertently.
This same nurse, when the moved me to another room when I was stable, came in and slapped my leg "affectionately" asking how I was doing. I screamed because it felt like she just dropped a ton of bricks on my leg. Sigh.
Yesterday was not my day. But I lived.
So a bit of background: as I said, for the past two years or so, I get hives so easily, just from a tiny bit of sweat. They usually start on my chest and can stay for a quite a while.
Then about a month or two ago, I started going to the YWCA to use the treadmill, which I'd done many times before and never had an issue. One day I came home and almost immediately broke out in hives all over my body, itchy, sooo itchy. I was itchy inside and outside - and I felt myself swelling up - my face, eyes, lips, basically my entire face, so much so that you could still see the effects of the swelling two days after. The scariest thing though, was that my throat was beginning to constrict.
So I laid down in bed, put the fan on my full blast, and concentrated on relaxing my body, and breathing, paying attention to the swelling so that I'd know if it got serious enough I would call 911. The only reason I knew that it was a serious thing, is because since I was a little girl I have been allergic to fish, so much so, that even to touch the juice of it sent me into severe antifilactic shock - my eyes would swell completely shut and my throat would swell and cut off my air completely. I had twenty minutes then I'd be dead. When I got a bit older, they shortened my time of death to three minutes - scary stuff.
After that exercise incident happened, I went to the doctor and told her about it: she set up an appointment with an allergist and gave me a prescription for an epi-pen. She also told me to take allergy pills before doing any exercise, just in case.
Well we found out yesterday that ODSP doesn't even cover an epi-pen - something that could save your life quite literally. I thought that was ridiculous. Brian brought the perscription in to get filled and they handed him a form - not an epi-pen, and told him I have to go back to my doctor to have the form filled out. If I had had that epi-pen yesterday, things might have turned out quite differently. Luckily, the nice doctor who took care of me yesterday was awesome and filled out some form for me to take to the pharmacy to make it so I can get it covered. A hundred dollars is what it would have cost.
He also prescribed me a new inhaler since I used it all up trying to breath in the value village yesterday, and three days worth of prednisone.
So, I went into antifilactic shock yesterday, so bad that it almost killed me. And just from my own perspiration, apparently. What's that about? My throat closed up, and I couldn't breath. That was the scariest thing I can think of that I've gone through - I find it really upsetting to think about so I've noticed I've been trying to stuff it inside so I don't have to deal with it.
I know I have been quite judgmental in this post, mostly regarding the EMS people, and it's quite possible they were doing everything they were supposed to do and it just didn't seem like they were because I was so desperate to breath that I couldn't help feeling that way. I realize this - I just really needed to vent it all.
I've had to call 911 various times in my past due to asthma attacks and every time, the ambulance arrived quickly, acted quickly, gave me oxygen right away, took me to the hospital asap. So I just don't get what they were doing yesterday.
Also, I'm extremely grateful that I had the brains to call 911 - my pattern has always been to avoid calling them at all costs until I knew I would absolutely die if I didn't. I'm not sure why I have been this way except maybe that that's what my mother has always done, or because I didn't want to "waste their time" unless absolutely necessary, or I just didn't care about myself enough. Or maybe all of that is why.
So all I know is that I am somehow alive today.
What scares me now, is that this could happen to me again at any time, any place, any day. It has been easy with the fish allergy because I just had to avoid fish. It would seem now I have to avoid sweating too much (until maybe the allergist can figure out what's going on), which is really impossible since it happens just when I make dinner, and not to mention summer is just about here. I'm scared.
Not sure if anyone will read all of this since it's a pretty long post, but for those who do, thanks.
<3 M
May 10, 2013
May 7, 2013
You Are My Candy Girl
I'm severely addicted to the white stuff - and it ain't crack - it's sugar, baby.
For as long as I can remember, I've used food as a comfort. It was innocent enough - mum always tried to make me feel better with something sweet when I was down... and my mum was a professional baker! I think most people find this to be true. Trouble is, I became severely depressed, and the only comfort I knew was food.
It became a problem when my weight went up and despite a lot of effort, I still had the strong compulsion to satisfy my inner pain with food. And I developed an eating disorder.
I didn't realize I was trying to stuff the hole that was inside me.
After participating in an intensive DBT group, I had new skills to use: I learned the healthier ways to tolerate distress - the ones that don't do any damage the way drugs, alcohol, over-eating, over-shopping, gambling, and promiscuity do. So I thought I was okay.
But I still had this problem with food and could not figure it out.
I then participated in an eating disorder group, which helped tremendously by emphasizing meals 2-3 hours apart all day long so that you don't get hungry - hunger in a binge eater is like setting yourself up to fail. It also emphasized that we do not stigmatize any food as being "bad" food.
I improved. But I still had the problem. I still used food for comfort. And it wasn't salad either, it was always sugary carbohydrates in some form or another: cookies, cakes, ice-cream, chocolate, breads, etc.
Not only could I not figure out why it was so hard for me, but I also became complacent - it was so normal to me to eat these kinds of foods when I was feeling bad (and I felt bad a hell of a lot) that I didn't think about it - The compulsion was too strong and when I ate the food, I went numb, and then I felt better for a bit.
Of course, health is really important to me, and I'm always trying to make sure I eat well. I gave up animal products, processed foods, gmo foods, etc. in this pursuit. But no matter what, I eventually reached for the sugary treat when things got bad enough.
I didn't know I was that depressed. I thought I got depressed sometimes, but looking back, I think I was just trying to cope - and sugar helped me. It also made things so much worse.
And now I'm sure that the reason I don't reach for a healthier method of tolerance or comfort is because I've never tried anything that has worked as fast and as well as the food. Sex works well too, but food is easier to come by.
Last year, when I got into the Nutritarian diet (Joel Fhurman), I learned that when you eat any processed foods, it makes it harder to follow the diet - he strongly suggests refraining completely for best results. And I pretty much did just that. Then one day, Brian's daughter came to visit and I thought it would be nice to make some banana bread. So I found a really healthy recipe and made a loaf. And I ate a piece. And after that, despite being perfectly content and satisfied without that stuff for months, I felt so strongly pulled to have more... and I did.
And after that, my healthy diet went downhill.
Trying to get myself back on track felt impossible - it seemed that no matter how much I wanted to be healthy, the compulsion to eat the sugary carbs was even stronger.
As I finished off my third? (I don't even remember how many) honey bun, feeling disgustingly sick and full but still needing to finish it, I realized that this was an addiction.
And I don't mean that I'm addicted to food - I'm sure that may be possible, but we sorta need it to live. I mean addicted to sugar.
I know an addictive behaviour - I've had it with cigarettes and still struggle. Why I never realized I had the same relationship with sugar as I did with cigarettes, I don't know, but my guess is that it was such a part of my life - right from childhood, that I'd no reason to suspect. Everyone eats. Everyone needs to eat. Therefore I just had an eating problem, not an addiction.
The reason I suspected it was sugar and not something else? I needed sweet things, the sweeter the better - those were what I went for, those are the foods I couldn't stop eating, those were the foods I craved obsessively.
So when Brian came home, I had a talk with home and told him my discovery. He agreed and said he'd help me in any way he can.
Then, after doing some reading on the topic, I decided to cut out the sugar completely and for good. This meant any sugar, even honey and maple syrup. And I had to closely monitor my starchy food intake as that is the type of food I have the problem with. Starch converts to sugar and ends up having the same effect.
I learned a lot about sugar, and why it is so addictive. It reacts in the brain the way drugs do. It's process directly through the liver, like any other toxin.
I learned that Queen Elizabeth was so addicted to sugar that her teeth turned black.
I learned so much that I can't even begin to explain it here and so I'll share some important links/information in future posts on the subject.
The day after I had my realization, I obstained from sugar of any sort. I didn't even eat bread for the first week... I made Brian hide his bread from me. I didn't drink coffee because I usually liked it with copious amounts of sugar.
Let me tell you, that first week was horrible! In all the times I've tried to quit smoking, I have never gone though withdrawals anywhere close to what I went through with the sugar. If I wasn't addicted to sugar, why would I go through such a bad withdrawal?
My skin wouldn't stop crawling; I was sweating; I couldn't stop clenching my jaw; I was nauseous; I was miserable, moody, depressed, and tired - completely void of energy (even more so than usual and that's saying a lot); and oh my god was I hungry! All the time. That deep hunger pain you get when you're just starving - well I had that almost constantly. I was still eating, but it didn't matter. I later learned this was the body trying to regulate itself since it's been so accustomed to regular doses of sugar my entire life.
During that first week, I felt like I didn't know what to do with myself - like something big was missing inside me and that I would not know how to live without the sugar - not because of the cravings, but because I felt like I was walking around with a giant gaping hole right in the center of me and I just couldn't comprehend feeling that way for, I believed, the rest of my life.
I'd been filling that hole with sugar. I didn't know any other way. And now the hole was no longer being filled, and I had to deal with that, I had to deal with how that felt.
I want to touch on that more, but in another post.
I don't remember all my withdrawal symptoms, but I remember what happened after just a few days of no-sugar: food started to taste sweeter. Just natural food, like vegetables, so much sweeter and more delicious. Everything tasted better in a way that quitting smoking could not even compare to.
Don came over with coffee and so I decided to try it without sugar anyway... the coffee tasted almost as sweet as it did when I was drinking it with a crap-load of sugar! I thought this was amazing.
I also plan to make a post about the effects of going off of sugar, so look for that one if you're curious.
In the meantime, here's a list of behaviours that someone with an addiction portrays (taken from various sources), all of which are true of myself when it comes to sugar:
- Inability to limit use of a substance or activity
- A craving or compulsion to use the substance or activity.
- Recurrent use escalates to achieve the desired effect, indicating tolerance.
- Attempts to stop usage produces symptoms of withdrawal
- Becoming preoccupied with the addiction, spending a lot of time on planning, engaging in, and recovering from the addictive behavior
- Secretiveness
- Lying to hide the addiction
- A pattern of avoiding and binging
- The person takes the substance and cannot stop - in many cases, at least one serious attempt was made to give up, but unsuccessfully.
- Addiction continues despite health problem awareness - the individual continues taking the substance regularly, even though they have developed illnesses linked to it.
- An addicted person commonly feels they need their drug to deal with their problems.
- Obsession - an addicted person may spend more and more time and energy focusing on ways of getting hold of their substance, and in some cases how to use it.
- in many cases the addict may take their substance alone, and even in secret.
- A significant number of people who are addicted to a substance are in denial. They are not aware (or refuse to acknowledge) that they have a problem.
- Excess consumption
- Dropping hobbies and activities - as the addiction progresses the individual may stop doing things he/she used to enjoy a lot.
- Having stashes - the addicted individual may have small stocks of their substance hidden away in different parts of the house or car; often in unlikely places.
- Taking an initial large dose. For example, the individual may gulp drinks down in order to get drunk and then feel good.
- Relationship problems
- Feel guilty or ashamed.
- Have friends or family members who are worried about your addiction
- Need to partake in the substance in order to relax or feel better.
- Regularly consume more than you intended to.
<3 M
May 3, 2013
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