Supercrawling

I didn't wanna go to the Supercrawl - I was sore and way too anxious to be around all those people.  But I forced myself because I guess I felt I would rather be in pain and have anxiety than to sit home like I always do and feel like the world is spinning without me, and I'm watching people live their lives in ways I just cannot.

I love my city and the things I love most about it are things I have difficulty participating in because of my illnesses and social anxiety and that pisses me off so much.

So I went with Brian.  There were about 200% more people there than I imagined - it was huge and awesome.  I was nervous and overwhelmed but after being there a while, I started to relax and focus more on the art than on how I was feeling and how I might look to everyone else.

And I had a good time and felt the same inspiration I always do when I go to the Art Crawl, except much more so. 

I  bought a small print by local artist Megan Rae:

 

She has a lot of work I really like, and a lot of pretty cool surrealist stuff, like this Dali-esque peice:

 

 You can see more of her stuff here and on her website here.

I also bought two prints by another local artist, Tim Francis.  After working at Dofasco most of his life, he retired in 2004 and opened a gallery on James St. N.  

I got signed prints of Irving's clothing store on James Street that I cannot find a picture of for some reason, and a larger print of This Aint Hollywood:

We decided to end the evening by stopping at This Aint Hollywood for a drink.

I love this city.



<3 M

Painting Progress Pt.1

<3 M

 

Blank Canvas

Must. Make. Art.


Oh - it's on.


<3 M

Too Afraid

And I'm not sure how to change that.

I know how to change my social anxiety and I'm sure that will help, but this seems to be something else as well.  I hadn't really thought about it before now, not sure why, maybe I wasn't ready for the truth?

If I get excited about something, I will talk myself out of going for it.  There are dozens of reasons I give myself to rationalize not doing something.  This is what I've been living like.  And now look at my life - I'm not living it.  I mean I'm not experiencing and pursuing things and that makes me feel stagnant, useless, and pointless.

But enough about what it has done to me.

I don't want to focus on the problem - the problem has had enough time to thrive.  I want a solution.

Last night on Facebook, I saw the Hamilton Conservatory For The Arts was giving classes.  I thought about taking the beginners photography class because I've lately discovered taking photos is kind of enjoyable - don't know why I never felt that way before, but anyway...  I thought it would be a good thing for me to do to expand my horizons, learn some things, meet some peoples, etc.  The place is really close to where I live and the money isn't a problem.  Aside from the fact that I don't think I have the right kind of camera, there was nothing stopping me from going for it - except of course, myself.

I didn't know what happened in that moment between enthusiasm and deciding against it, but I believe it kinda went something like this:

Me: ooh exciting!
Myself: scary.
Me: It's close by!
Myself: Still far enough.
Me: I can learn a lot and have fun!
Myself: You're not a photographer, you have more important things to attend to before you go taking classes on subjects that won't even help your livelihood.
Me: This would be really good for my social anxiety exposure therapy.
Myself: That's too much to handle right now.
Me: I never do anything.
Myself: you can't handle it.
Me: okay, I guess you're right.

*Sigh*

I've been "disabled" for basically my entire 20's.  My issues changed me and the way I live my life tremendously.  But unfortunately, I allowed it to define and devour me.  Being enveloped in health problems for long periods is a great way to neglect every other thing in life.  I wasn't able to do so many things I wanted to do or used to be able to do so I guess somewhere along the way I stopped trying and reinforced the belief that I can't handle things, even though I consciously know/or at least think I can handle many things, I block myself from living the life I want to live.

Sure, I have some challenges that make it hard to do everything I'd like, but that doesn't mean I can't at least do some.  I'm afraid of social situations but I can fight through that.  I am way too easily overwhelmed... so I don't have to do everything all at once... I am in pain a lot of the time... so take it easy?  So why doesn't "myself" understand that?

And I know I have a lot of fear about being really far out of my comfort zone, and imagining that discomfort can be enough to make me do nothing.

How can I change this pattern? (not a rhetorical question).


<3 M

Pleasure Before Mastery

 I long to be creative, to make art, write, etc.  But I have other things I need to do first.  When I'm done those things, then I can relax and make art.  This thinking has wasted so much time and creative energy.  I ALWAYS have things to do.  Always.  To Do lists never end.  That's life.  I'm basically sentencing myself to a lifetime of waiting to do what my soul needs to do.  Why do I punish myself like that?

I've always been black and white like that.  Once I get everything done, then I can do this.  That kind of thinking usually results in a lot of stress, unhappiness, and being unproductive.  I always forget that it's progress, not perfection.

When I was in therapy, I learned a few important things on the subject.  I learned that people don't tend to continue doing anything unless they derive some sort of pleasure from it.  This is why it's important for people who are depressed to find things to do that they enjoy to help get them out of their rut, rather than try and try in vain to develop habits that, though would improve their lives, they derive no pleasure from.  The results have to be instant, or there's nothing to hold their interest long term.

And one good way to do this is to follow the 'Pleasure Before Mastery' rule.  This rule means that instead of doing something masterful (something effective, responsible, dutiful, that sort of thing) and then rewarding yourself with something pleasurable like relaxing or indulging in a hobby you enjoy, you should do it the other way around: you should do something pleasurable and then do something masterful. 

It might not make a lot of sense, but when you think about it, aren't you in a much better mood, perhaps more energetic and fulfilled after doing something for yourself? Something that feeds your soul, replenishes you and, in turn, makes you a more productive person.  If you get the "fun" out of the way, you're much more likely to get more things done than if you were to with-hold pleasurable activities till your to-do list is done.

I have tried this and can say it does work.  I know a lot of people would think it's silly to do things this way, but those people probably value doing rather than being, and that's fine for them.  For me, life is not about to-do lists but I certainly do a wonderful job of making it about that.

I dare you to try this.  I'm going to take my own advice and make sure I start my day with at least one pleasurable activity.  Then, I will be all responsible and stuff :-)  I do not want to die knowing I wasted my life on a perpetual to do list, waiting for it's completion to actually live.  I am tired of being in a state of preparation.  I've spent way too much of my life waiting to live it.

<3 M

It's Almost Time To NaNoWriMo

Happy Halloween!  Kinda. I'm tired tired tired and had to force myself to blog right now because all I feel like doing is chilling out with a movie. 

Halloween is my favourite time of year, but I'm not doing anything to celebrate, at least not tonight, anyway.  Yesterday we (Brian, Drew, and myself) did Jack-o-lanterns, which made me happy.  I want to post a picture of them but they're on Brian's phone and I don't want to bug him to upload right now cause he's kinda bummed out about his ginormous hard drive up and dying... understandable.  I'm sure I will do my own little celebration this week - I usually at least do a reading to sort of forecast the coming year.  That might be interesting to share with you.

Midnight marks the beginning of NaNoWriMo 2011.  This is my third year participating.  Keeping with tradition, I haven't prepared anything so it should be another interesting experience.  Because of how tired I am I probably won't start writing until the morning.  I've found getting as much writing done in the morning gives you more freedom to make up for any possible procrastination or life interruption later on in the day.  And if you manage to get your minimum word count in before lunch, anything else you happen to write after that is a bonus.



I plan to be a bit of a writing machine this month: I'd like to go well beyond the 50,000 word mark and at the same time, blog here at least a few times a week.  I know it will be easy to just say that I don't want to blog because I'm doing enough writing as it is or that I want to concentrate solely on the novel, but screw that, doing both is just fine.

If you're participating in NaNoWriMo this year, good luck! and feel free to add me as a writing buddy on the site


Happy Witch's New Year,


<3 M

I Have Good Noms.

Two posts in one day?  Yeah. I didn't talk about any of the stuff I meant to in my previous entry.  Free-flow writing is like that, you never know where it's going to take you, and apparently my psyche needed to bitch about other things.

Anyway, on Monday, Brian met me after work and we went to Zum Linzer on Main for the Kinky Restaurant Crawl (it's the Kinky Restaurant Crawl only because all the people who come are kinksters, we do not wear latex and dog collars at the restaurants).

I've heard a lot about this place because a friend of ours (Ravenshire Fetish) is one of the cooks there. It's German cuisine -  If you've ever heard of the Black Forest Inn, well this place is even better and the prices are extremely fair  for what you get.

So a few good friends made it out and it was a fun night, which I really really needed cause as I've been saying, I've been living under a rock for quite a while.

I ordered the Schnitzel Cordon Bleu, which is ham and cheese wrapped in a pork schnitzel, with home fries (that are cooked in bacon fat O_O) and veggies.  It also comes with soup or salad to start as well as a basket of rye bread.  The Schnitzel Cordon Bleu sounds disgusting to me, but it tasted like heaven and I will definitely be getting that again some day.  The portions were huge and the meal was only thirteen dollars.  I usually hate pea soup and am not a big soup person in general but for some reason I felt like soup so I got the pea soup instead of the salad as my starter and it was fricken delicious!  Plus I had a Stiegl with my meal and I think that's one of my new favourite beers.

The service was really friendly, patient, and overall good.  The dining room was quaint, laid back, cozy.  And my entire bill was only twenty-one dollars (before tip).  Before going, I expected to be paying no less than thirty dollars for my meal but I was pleasantly mistaken.

Everyone decided to go out for ice-cream for dessert up to the Marble Slab Creamery on Upper James, but I went home instead cause I'm really poor this month.  I've never been there but from the sounds of it, I really really want to go.  Ice-cream = Good.

And because I somehow always manage to surround myself with geeks (I love it), what came out of the night was a spin-off group where we take turns hosting movie night where we watch corny, cheesy, horrible sci-fi movies.  Our first movie will be Barbarella.  There'd better be a lot of boobs.

Tuesday was the Hamilton Writers meeting.  That was good.  Of course since the meetings are held at Chesters - Beers of the World, I had to order a Stiegl, just to make sure it was still as yummy as it was the night before :-p  And yes, it was.

The majority of us are gearing up for NaNoWriMo, which is now only four days away.  As has been my tradition for three years now, I wait till the week before to fully decide I will participate and then wait still until it is just days away to consider what I might write about.  My first year was exciting - I had no clue whatsoever about what I was going to write about - nothing.  I still managed to make it past 50, 000 words but it taught me that I need to have at least some idea or plan before beginning so that it wouldn't be so hard to come up with things to write.  Not to mention the fact that the more planning that goes into it, the better chance of the piece being publishable with some work.  Mine was/is publishable with A LOT of work.

My second year I actually had an idea and did a very minute amount of planning.  It made the process much easier and I was able to soar past 50,000 words before the thirty day dead line.  The writing was/is good but it is unfinished.  I decided after the contest ended to take a short break from writing since I'd been writing like a mad-woman for thirty days straight and it's always good to replenish your creative juices and whatnot.  The problem is, I never picked it back up.

This, my third year, I have an inkling of what I'm going to write about.  It was a last minute idea that I will divulge to you later.  If I'm smart, I will do some planning for it because this is something I would actually want to publish eventually.  Should be interesting.

Among the things I've learned from participating in NaNoWriMo is a particular block I seem to have.  I'd love to figure out how to get around it:  the problem is, the writing I like to do most is very much like the writing I do when I make a blog entry - it is free-flowing, personal, and very much my voice, my personality.  But when I sit down to write something (other than a blog or journal), I can't seem to write this way.  I think a big part of the block is the expectation that whatever it is I've decided to write has to be a certain way or follow certain literary rules or be like the rest of the similar works. So I either end up stuck or I end up writing in a style that does not work because it is so "fake".. the voice is... lacking whatever it is that makes prose sound "true." It's hard to explain.  Others may like the writing I've done like this, but if I don't like it, it's not satisfying. 

Anyway, any advice would be appreciated.

My good friend Mel is getting handfasted this Saturday and I'm her witness.  This will be my first handfasting so it should be interesting.  I was invited to one around this time last year but a [insert horrible curse words and insulting adjectives] taxi driver made me miss it.

Then I'm off to Brian's for Sunday and Monday where we will be carving pumpkins and other Halloweeny goodness.  I miss him (and Drew) and wish they didn't live so far away :-( poop.

Though I will admit absence really does make the heart (and other body parts) grow fonder.



<3 M

Free Art Course!

<3 M

End Of An Era

Back in the spring of 2009, a project called 'Vulva' was started by a couple of ladies who met on Suzi Blu's Mixed Media Art ning community: 'Vulva' was to be an online magazine run equally by all of us but right before it went public things went awry and 'Vulva' was never born.

Some of us still had an itch to continue with the project and after a lot of deliberation, Ms. Sunny Crittenden recruited the best of the best to get started with what became the online magazine 'Buttercup.'  I don't know how it happened, but it was as if this new group of people were a perfect fit to work together and I think that is the main reason why being part of 'Buttercup' was more fun than anything else.

After Sunny worked her ass off, the zine was launched in September of 2009 on Ning and was like no other publication out there: articles were published by all of us throughout each month and conversation was encouraged.  We had a forum and a ton of groups on almost any topic you could think of.  We even held chats a couple times for our humble, awesome little community.  Our focus was on diversity, creativity, and female topics, but ultimately I think it was about people getting together making each other think and having a hell of a lot of fun while doing it.

Buttercup published 8 issues, its last was April 2010 when we had to make the very hard decision to put the magazine to bed, mainly due to a bunch of new shit Ning pulled, including the fact that communities were no longer to be free.  We had a good run of it, did a lot of sharing and making friends, and I know I speak for all of us when I say I'm proud of what we accomplished and am glad I got to work with eight very awesome, very crazy individuals.

So this post is basically a goodbye to 'Buttercup' - it was awesome.  Thanks to everyone who read our articles, participated in our community, and supported us along the way.

Thanks to Sunny, Blake, Lexi, Jade, Jax, Katie, Anastacia, and Annie - I'll miss our Wednesday night meetings, no where else will I ever find conversation so full of shit (literally), boobs, menstrual blood, and penises.  I wish you all the best of luck in your future projects - I know they will be great.

*cue the sad music*

Love M.

You Love My Hair

I feel like crap.   Like I just want to shed a few layers of filth, pain or whatever it is weighing me down right now.  I'm just so tired.  I'm also disgruntled at the moment because people fucking suck.  By people, I mean the men I bring into my life - why do they all despise me so?   I'm sure it's my own fault, but it's ridiculous.  If you don't like me, JUST FUCKING SAY SO - don't play games with me; don't brush me off and then find me when your dick gets hard or when you're bored, BE A FUCKING MAN.  I know, apparently I have a tattoo on my forehead that says 'slut' or 'no I don't mind being walked all over' - or at least that's what men like to think.  I'm so tired of being treated like less than human and I'm tired of writing in this thing about it because I'm not a man hater damnit, I'm just a magnet for getting hurt or something.  And I'm pissed off because I was blown off by a friend yesterday and he doesn't seem to register that fact... oh I'm a perpetual machine of forgiveness and gullibility.

St. Patrick's day was interesting: went to open mic night at the doors.  It was ok.  Some guy was stalking me around the bar continually demanding that I come home with him to fuck - I think the poor guy needs professional help but I didn't appreciate the boob grabbing and whipping out of the dick... I'm sure he went home alone.   I had my first green beer, watched some of the game on the big screen telly, ran into someone I haven't seen in over a year, made out with a hot chick who had really tasty lip gloss on, got about a million compliments on the awesomeness that is my hair, and ultimately met someone at the very end of the night who I hope is interested and doesn't turn out to be like every other fucking guy I meet.  I guess I'll find out...

For the very few hours I was awake yesterday, I threw together this video about nothing for the purposes of practice and getting used to the camera, etc.  I know I'm not photogenic at all but oh well.  I really am a camwhore at heart....



Until next time, be good and be nice!  (And thanks for letting me complain).

Love M

Thinking Way Too Hard About A Title

Ugh, I feel like the bear being forced to wake up because spring is approaching and it's time to gtfo of the cave now.  Well it's not a comfortable transition: I'm cold and tired and sore and I need a couple cups of coffee first, k?  My sleep has been screwy for the last week or so.  I tried to stay up today but had the wise idea of laying down and watching a documentary where a bunch of people perform Leonard Cohen songs, with him speaking randomly in between in that beautiful voice of his... that's all the lullaby I need.  I woke and decided to practice the guitar more but got flustered cause I couldn't find any good videos to help teach me.  I just wanted to learn the damn 'B' chord... that shouldn't be so hard, should it?

I was looking at my long neglected YouTube channel because I wanted to change my username since 'Lilith Kills' doesn't really reference much, I just think it's a cool name.  Apparently you have to make a whole new account to do that so I don't think I'm going to.  I have two videos on there and I'm thinking about making another one soon just for fun.  No idea what I'd do on it but I'll figure it out.  One of my videos is a sort of book trailer I made a long time ago to help promote my book and I thought since I could really use the money right now and I still have copies, that I'd share my cheesy video here and see if anyone out there wants to read some really good fucking poetry.  So, without further ado...



Thank you, thank you :op

In other news, I ran into a friend from high school last week at This Ain't Hollywood, who now lives in the city so that is awesome - I need more females in my life, especially ones who aren't dipsticks.   Speaking of TAH, all three bands were fucking good and I didn't realize Hamilton was harbouring such kick ass female rockers.  I am pleased.  I am also pleased (while we're on the subject of music) to announce that The Creepshow are playing The Casbah on the 31st and tickets are only $10 and I am very excited!  We (Buttercup) interviewed them back in October '09 and I loved them as soon as I heard them.  Hellz yeah.

I finished (for the most part) a piece that was inspired by Picasso in a way that I'm sure no one could possibly guess lol.  I really like it but I don't like it so much digitally - it lost a lot of awesomeness through the scanning process, but I'll show you anyway:



I'm going to a life-drawing class next month - I've never been to one but the price is very cheap and I want to take advantage of the experience.  I think it's going to be an ongoing thing so maybe I'll actually get good, ya never know!  It should be fun, anyway.

I know I'm all over the place in this entry but I want to speak briefly about publishing: am I the only one confused these days about what having your book published means?  Here is what I have always thought:  To publish your book, a publisher buys your manuscript and pays you royalties.  To self-publish your book, you design and print it (or hire someone to do that) and you make all the profit from sales (unless you've hired someone to market it or something).  And vanity publishing is paying some company (usually way too much money) to do everything for you, usually relinquishing most of the creative and financial control.  Have these definitions changed in the last few years?  I realize reading the wikipedia definitions clarify, but in reality, I've come across many people who don't seem to realize the difference.  I dunno, I guess it's just a stupid pet peeve and I wish the lines were more distinguishable/explainable.  Sigh.  It just reminds me of the damn poetry.com bullshit all over again.

Anyway, St. Patrick's Day tomorrow... not really a special day but I'm going to go out anyway and have a green beer because I've never actually had one before.  I know, it's just beer w/food colouring, but still, it's green.

Okay, get lost now!



Love M

Hey! I'm Blogging Here!

Meh I just feel like writing random things.  I'm having kind of a blah Friday night here with George (actually, it's just me, George is too cool to hang out with me so he's chillin' on the bed).  Listening to the few tracks available right now by Evelyn Evelyn.  Watched 'Capturing The Friedmans' whilst working on an art piece (believe it or not, inspired by Mr. Picasso, even though the actual piece really has nothing to do with him or his work... figure that one out... I haz artistic license bitches).  Bob Dylan's on now.

I'm simultaneously gathering video, audio, and images of the good doctor (Hunter S. Thompson, of course) to put on a disc for future enjoyment.  I just don't get tired of that man and his genius.  He really is beyond fascination and more closely definable in spiritual terms... a deity... more important than sliced bread.  Or maybe this is just the fixative fumes talking - they're pretty strong.  The can says not to smoke...

I wish I had bought that bottle of wine after all.

Know what's ridiculous?  The fact that the majority of us westerners live in perpetual preparation for the future, whether it be the next half hour from now, the next month, the next decade, doesn't matter, it's what we do.  And we do this until we die, which means we've never really lived because we were too busy preparing.  And the really dumb part about that is we're not psychic, we don't know exactly what is going to happen in the future and we all know that plans never go the way they're "supposed" to.  What is the point of that?  We live in anxiety, the giant 'to-do' lists dangling above our heads, telling us we'd better not (Steve Sinnicks now) waste any time because we have to get these things done first and then we can enjoy ourselves... lmfao I don't know about you, but I've never not had a to-do list. Sure I get stuff done - but more stuff comes up to replace that stuff I just did and there are always things on that list that sit there FOREVER, taunting me, making me feel bad, lingering at the back of my mind when I'm trying to sleep at night and meanwhile I'm wondering why in the world I have insomnia or why in the world I'm so tense.

Instead of wasting our very short lives worrying about what needs to be accomplished, we should be enjoying the fact that we're alive and actually LIVE. And sure, we can be a bit anal sometimes about getting stuff done, but I really think that should count for the minority of our time, not the majority.  While I'm aware, lovely readers, that I'm far from the first person to point this out (Courtney Love now), these thoughts have recently made their meaning much more relevant to me and they are not just an important philosophy to strive for, so much as a major key in having a reason to get up every morning (I'm the kind of person who needs life to be meaningful, and if there isn't a real meaningful purpose or reason to live, well, that's just fucking depressing.  I also know these thoughts cannot really be stated enough, we all need reminders.

Of course, all of this makes much more sense within a Buddhist, dialectic context: namely mindfulness. Okay, /super enlightening speil... now.

What else is on my mind as of late... men.  I'm sure I'm going to get myself into trouble for something I'm about to say, but don't I always?  I am, after all, the queen of inappropriateness (note the ego).

I've been really pissed at the male species these days because it seems to me, at least in my experiences, that men have the ability to find extra special ways of being douchebags.  And I love men, I love men very much, and I'm not the type of person to typecast a whole group based on the behaviour of a few, but I am batting like, 99/100 here people. It definitely boggles my mind. (hey! fuck you Alexis On Fire! They only have samples on their MySpace page, pffft. Just kidding, love you George! But I'm putting on Sarah Blackwood now...) So anyway, I'm a big fat sucker.  I get stung by men over and over and yet I keep coming back for more.  Okay, maybe I am at least a little bit masochistic, but my tendencies usually go more along the lines of having my nipples pinched, not being lied to, used, blown off, etc.etc.

The only conclusions I've been able to come to are:

1. Men truly are so completely different than women, at least in the way they communicate, act, and often times think.  Duh, we all know that right?
2. Men aren't nearly as brave as we think they are - muscle does not equal heart of steel and so they have many fears and anxieties (just like we do) which seem to be expressed in ways that tend to piss women off.
3. Why? Well I'm assuming it's because society conditions them to "be men" and not show fear.  They're not encouraged to express themselves so how can we expect them to be able to?  I'm not saying they're cavemen who can't communicate, I'm just saying that they're more likely to shut down or fly the coop if fear or difficulty arises.

On the other hand, there does seem to be a plethora of men out there who actually ARE fucking jerks.  I hate to say it, but most of my friends are male and most of them are the ones confirming this conclusion.  Like, lying to someone to get them into bed?  Yeah, that's a jerk thing to do. Fucking jerk.

This line of thought doesn't really have a point, mostly because I have no idea what the moral of the story is, or how one can avoid the jerks or how men can all of the sudden learn to express themselves in healthy ways.  I would like to add, however, that I'm fully aware that us women are nuts as well, we're just nuts in completely different ways then men... both sexes are fucked in our own special ways.  But if you're a guy and  you're reading this, what the hell man?  what the hell...

P.S. I think there should be a 'Thank You' card or something like that for really really good oral sex.



Love M

NaNoWriMo 2009

I went and did a silly thing: I signed myself up to be a participant in NaNoWriMo 2009.  Part of me wished I'd decided to do this a lot earlier so I'd have a good amount of time to figure out what the hell I'm gonna write about, perhaps an outline of some sort?  But it wasn't until a little less than a week ago that I decided to 'just go for it already!'



I've been aware of the basic idea of NaNoWriMo for at least a few years now - it's hard not to hear about it when you socialize with writers on a regular basis - but every year I forget about it until the buzz once again begins and it's almost sign up time.  And every single time, I say something along the lines of "oh I'll participate next year so I can be more prepared."  Yeah right!  So it dawned on me that if I continue to say "maybe next year" I'm never gonna do it.  And if I can't do that, what the hell am I doing?

The idea is much less daunting than I'd imagined - the hardest part sounds like word output.  50,000 words isn't impossible, but a bit over 1,500 words a day looks a lot smaller than it is!  Oh well, bring it on!  I guess it's probably a good thing that I signed up so late in the game cause now I barely have any time to freak out about it.  I can see how easy it would be to scare myself out of this, or scare myself into panic and end up with horrible writer's block, eeesh.



So I've got my official NaNoWriMo page - feel free to add me!  I even created a separate windows user account called 'NaNoWriMo' that is set up for as little distraction as possible - just me and Word.   I think I'll use that account from now on for writing.  I just now saw the demo for the desktop version of Write Or Die and I really really want it - it's tons better than the online version and it's only $10 - that way, I can cut off access to the internets in my NaNoWriMo user account.  I'm gonna sleep on it.

My main concern for this project is that I'll have a lot of other shit to do in November and stress out about doing this and a good chunk of the experience will be lost - I'm doing my best to get what I can done before the weekend to ensure this doesn't happen.  I'm a busy girl!



But what I'm most excited about is writing a novel!  I'm well aware that what I submit at the end of November will not be a publishable, if even readable manuscript, but it will be 50,000 words or more that I can work with, edit, and draw from after November to complete something I can be proud of.

As for what I'm going to write?  I have no idea!  I have little to no plan right now and it's both scary and liberating.  I will be using an unusual method to figure out what story I'm going to tell - I'm going to use tarot cards (and or some other interesting oracle) to create my outline.  I haven't figured out the details yet, but I think I'm gonna do it tomorrow so stayed tuned!  I recommend any writer invest in a deck of some sort because as odd as it sounds, they're a writer's best friend.

I'll try to keep updating as I go along, and have a word tracker thing-a-ma-jing so you can cheer me on.

Wish me luck and do not disturb :o)




Love M

Emotional Hemophilia

I'm using notepad to write this due to LiveJournal having erased my damn blog the other day, right when I was done typing it, but before, of course, I had a chance to post.

I currently have zero drama going on in my life (thank gods) and nothing immediately worrisome or depressing going on.

That feels nice. Freeing.

Now I'm left with me to deal with! I'm doing a good job, considering, but I have a nagging feeling of... I don't even know... it's just unsettling.

Like, what's going to happen now?

Anxiety about the next thing that will trigger me because I know too well it kills me everytime: it's very black and white - right now I feel happy and hopeful... tomorrow, depending on what happens, I could want to kill myself (knock on wood).

A feeling of being lost, having no footing, being unsure of my self/life, feeling scattered and unfocused.

Oh the joys of mental illness.

The only explanation that comes to mind is that I'm undergoing such drastic change in my ways of thinking, behaving, and believing that I'm not sure who or what I'm becoming... unfamiliar territory.

That's an awesome thing. If I'm wrong, then I really don't know what's up. Do anxiety disorders have to be triggered by situations or can anxiety arise on its own accord?

That could be it. Who knows.

In other, not so unrelated news, I'm finally starting the DBT group next Tuesday. I've been on the waiting list for a couple of years for this! DBT is apparently the make or break therapy for people with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I used to be very bitter about not having had this therapy before... before any damage to my relationship(s) was done. But now I realize that whatever happened, happened because I needed to go through certain things and to learn certain lessons.

A bitter-sweet realization, but better late than never.

Anyhew, it's a thirteen month long intensive group therapy - two hours a week with a group and one hour a week with my therapist one on one. Lots of homework in between.

I'm really excited but a little nervous, to be honest, about walking into a room full of women who have the same illness I have... I wouldn't even be able to handle one of me, let alone a group of me! But I know I'm just being silly ;o)

Along with the DBT stuff, I'm also working with an Al-Anon sponsor and have been going to meetings.

Since I've started doing this, I've learned so much about myself, others, and a lot of things that apply to my life as both a person affected by alcohol and a person with BPD.

All I can say is I'm growing daily and my life is already so much better after only a few weeks.

I can only guess how much growing I'll do for the next thirteen months as I do the DBT and Al-Anon... they're very similar actually.

Okay, enough mental stuff! I'll re-touch on some of the stuff I wrote the other day that LJ erased...

In March, I asked my subscribers to vote for my friends sunnybananas and 4bit4 (aka Sunny and Blake Crittenden) in the Hypercube contest.

The contest was a seemingly cool attempt to market their 2009 Nissan Cube using nothing but social media (twitter).

Fifty creative Canadians had a seemingly fair chance at winning and Sunny and Blake were among those fifty chosen.

I'm a lazy gal, so if I didn't believe the Crittendens to be exceptionally worthy or winning a car, I would never have posted about it on my blog, or spammed multiple online venues seeking votes for them.

They worked their asses off for months during the contest, I know how much time, effort, and energy was spent on their part: putting their lives on hold in the belief that this was a fair contest.

So by the time the judges were ready to announce the winners, most of us assumed either Sunny or Blake, or both of them, would be coming home from the event in a brand new car.

When that didn't happen, we were left scratching our heads.

These two entries in Encyclopedia Dramatica explain quite well why shit went down the way it did: A simple case of the worst execution of a marketing competition I've ever heard of, to put it lightly.

http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Hypercube
http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Hypercube_Aftermath

Read it, it's a good one.

Speaking of Sunny: You're one tough lady! I'm glad you're doing okay (considering) and I hope they gave you a strong enough cocktail to not be in too much discomfort, and to hopefully get a decent high ;o) You are very loved <3

Completely random thought: I wish there was a healthy diet that didn't require counting, weighing, portioning, etc. of the food.

And shame on you, Winking Judge, for having the worst service I've possibly ever had the other night:

• I arrived around 6:45pm, ordered a drink, and sat down.
• The waitress eventually came over and asked if I wanted to order food, to which I responded that I would wait a bit, since my friend had yet to arrive.
• At 7pm, friend arrived.
• At 7:45pm, we were both wondering when in the world the waitress was going to come and take his order (yes he'd been there 45 minutes and no one had served him!).
• So he decided to go to the bar and get his drink.
• At about 9:30pm after we'd both long finished our one drink of the night and felt quite invisible and disgruntled (and hungry!), we concluded that we were not welcome.
• I went to pay for my drink (no tip of course) and the waitress actually forgot that my friend had already paid for his drink.
• We left, puzzled and not buzzed.

So folks, from 6:45pm to 9:30pm (two and a half hours I believe), we were approached by the waitress once and once only. She never came to our table. The place was empty. She was sitting and reading a newspaper!!! Horrid.

Anyway, to top off the lovely service, I went to the washroom and there was no fucking toilet paper in the stall.

We are going somewhere else next time.


Love M

I [<3] Sunny !

So my friend Sunny is trying to win a Nissan Cube via a contest they are having in which fifty of the most creative and unique folks are chosen as the lucky winners.

I really hope she wins, she could really use it as part of her plan for immersion therapy. Plus, I'm hoping she'll drive her sweet-ass ride to Hamilton to hang out with me eventually ;)

Well, it doesn't hurt that she's one of the most hyper-creative people I've ever met - she's pretty awesome and is dedicating a lot of her time and energy toward this competition.

George and I want to show her our full support...





If you're interested in seeing a deserving gal win something that will vastly improve her life and mental health, go check her out and show her your support too!

And here's some snapshots of George's photo-shoot... you just... had to be there...


click photo to enlarge


-Love Marylin.

Never Ending Story

I got a Van Gogh!!! Well, a print of one anyway. I've been wanting a nice large piece to put above my kitchen table ever since I moved in and my dear Donovan came through for me last night with a salvaged, excellent condition, ginormous print of 'Starry Night' - yay! I love when stuff like that happens :P



What else is new and interesting?

I got to hold a wee baby chick on Saturday! Sooooooo cute - I got pictures! They're in Don's camera though lol.



Being there (at Howard's gorgeous old home on a beautiful huge property) made me crave something similar for myself: even just a wee little home on a decent sized property - close to the city but secluded enough to feel like you're really in nature, apart from crazy society. To lounge outside among trees and grass and gardens; to be free and inspired to write and make art and just create create create... I dunno, it's rejuvenating and I love being close to nature. Yeah I've got some ideas :P

Also went to a couple of flea Markets on Saturday - so many (toooo many) awesome things to look at! It would be dangerous for me to go there if I had alot of money!

I didn't buy anything but I definitely had my eye on an old telephone:


Sort of like this one but much nicer and it was black. It was around $40, which I probly could have done but I thought I should wait till I can really truly afford to buy it (or one similar to it). I just think it's so cool! I don't want it for use, I just want it for decoration - it will go well with the antique type writer I plan on one day finding. Awww yeeaaaah!

Blah.

What else...

Ummm oh I'll show you the thingy I made for Don! He's the clumsiest feller I ever met - he accidentally broke one of my coffee mugs but I held onto the handle for some weird reason. This is what I did with it:



Oooooh 3D-craziness!



The quote says "Mistakes are almost always of a sacred nature" - Salvador Dali

He claims to like it lol.

Ok I go now!

-Love Marylin.

Art-a-tart-tart Rant-a-tant-tant

(Not really, I'm just a tad annoyed)

Ok my beef is to the people who fluff up the art & craft industry by manufacturing pieces with the main goal of making a buck. People who sit there pumping shit out while not even really enjoying the process (the whole point!) so that they'll have more STUFF to sell. Seeing someone else's idea and making a cheap version of it with thrown together stuff from the dollar store!

Sorry, it just annoys me. It annoys me because those people with talent and those people who derive such joy from doing their art/craft are lost in the crowd full of wanna-bes. And I don't claim to be any sort of artist or crafter but I am a great appreciator of those who are and what they come out with with their blood, sweat, and tears.

The world doesn't need more STUFF. But the world can never get enough of the art that comes from true passion and joy of the creative process.

Okay I think I'm done my ranting for the day. Thanks for listening.

Now I'd like to share the websites of a few artist/crafter friends who are very talented people:

Don Davie's site - http://www.navonod.net/
Nichola Battilana's site - http://www.labonadea.com/
Monika Ptok-Byard's site - http://www.faebylart.com/

There are more but here are just a few to appreciate.

-Love Marylin.

Poetry Form: Acrostic

The Acrostic poem comes from the Greek word akros - "at the end," and stichos - "line."

The Acrostic poem is written by taking a word or words and writing it vertically, then, write a verse for each letter, so that each letter begins the verse.

Example:

You are armed with all the means to
end this pain, this doubt, this endless
surrender
take it from me, I've seen too many ghosts
etched out in existence
riding the waves of eternal self-pity
do not end this today - today is too late
and tomorrow comes and come and comes
yesterday was the right time.

Winter Woes

This past winter, my pen collected dust as I spent the majority of my time as a recluse, basically devoid of any creative productivity.

I suffer from a seasonal depression that makes keeping up any social responsibilities seem impossible during the darker half of the year: so, not only did I not write for the better part of five months, but I didn't meet with any writers either.

It wasn't until this Tuesday that I realized just how dry I had become from the lack of creative support I would have gotten from meeting with my fellow writers.

As soon as I sat down to literary conversation with other like-minds, I felt plugged-in and the surge of creative juices began to flow through me, once again.

And I realized how wrong it had been for me, how unhealthy to my mental and creative health it had been, to deprive myself of this for such a long period.

In this I've learned to appreciate how truly beneficial it is to socialize with other writers on a regular basis: it truly does fuel the fire that burns in me to write - a fire I will need desperately come next winter.

Photos And All Out Kahos

After transforming ourselves into Ana the lover, and Lilith the demon, Shauna and I, along with Grant and Don, headed down to the Hermitage on Saturday afternoon with the intent of taking photos.

Here is one of the many trails that Don thought would lead us to the ruins...



And here are the ruins after we finally found them.





After standing in the scorching sun, trying to get the poses just right for the scenes I wrote, we gave up on the script and opted for some spontaneous fun!



This was part of the scene but it looks more like Grant is trying to get lucky...



Spontaneous fun involves props...



A big man with a big mace...



What are you doing to the mace, Grant?



And Don broke the chain after doing God knows what with it in the shower...



Yeah baby!



And more picture taking...





Okay kids, we're outta here!




What a fun day! We headed to an old graveyard to take more artistic photos but the place ended up being fenced in and we had to cancel those plans.

We ended the day with dinner at Tally Ho's and a trip to Value Village, where Grant found this awesome game that combines poker, blackjack, roulette, craps, and twenty-one all in one fun filled game. I think I won, lol.

Unfortunately most of my pictures turned out horribly (see above), but there are few gems I'm going to hoard for later ;)


Love Marylin.