Happy Birthday

 Today's entry is brought to you by the number thirty.

Yesterday was my thirtieth birthday.  I was woken up by Brian and Drew singing 'happy birthday,' bringing me the breakfast in bed they made me.  I've never had anyone give me breakfast in bed before - I felt very special and very loved.

He even made the eggs inside slices of bell pepper from something we found on Pinterest (thanks, Sunny, for getting us (me) addicted to that site :-p ).

Of course it takes me some time to get out of dreamland and become coherent so they were disappointed when I requested we do presents after I was done drinking my tea... you'd think I committed a crime or something lol.

They got me a pretty smelling candle with chocolates and candies, and an adjustable stand thingy to make it easier for me to read in bed since even holding up a book can be too hard sometimes.

I luff them so much.

That night, Jodie and Mike came over and we all went to a party where I got birthday beats.  They got me presents too!  A massage bar that made Jodie squirmy cause it was for "erotic" purposes; a bath bomb intended to unleash my desires, which also made her squirmy; a cool book mark, and special incense.  I don't know if I ever mentioned it, but Jodie gets squirmy when it comes to anything of the erotic nature - it's quite funny and cute.

I got tons of birthday wishes too, on my facebook, which made me very happy cause I loves my attention.

I've always loved my own birthday and have always reminded people of its coming well in advance.  I count down, I talk about it, and when it comes, I get giddy like a child and eat up all the attention.   But this year felt a little different: for one thing, my health has been crappy lately so I wasn't announcing my birthday from the rooftops like usual.  I was planning on planning something special for this year's birthday because I think thirty is a significant milestone of life - especially for me for many reasons, but again, the health took priority.  And I didn't seem to have the same excitement that I usually have on my birthday.  In fact most of the day/night didn't feel like my birthday, I kept reminding myself it was.

I don't know if this is because I wasn't well leading up to it so didn't do my usual stuff or make plans or because I'm *gulp* just getting old, or both, or neither.  I hope it's not the 'old' thing, we shall see I guess.

Anyway, I've been living in survival mode for a long, long time.  My thirties are going to be when I 'start' my life, and I'm excited about that.  I have goals for myself, and goals with Brian, and I'm looking forward to all of it :-)

I spent another long period not writing in my blog, which I hate, but it happens.  I wish I could be as regular as Sunny is with blogging.  I don't really know why I can't - I have a bit of a consistency problem perhaps.

Brian and Drew should be back anytime now from the children's museum so I'm gonna go get dressed.

Lots and lots of love,

M

What Is SOPA?

What Is SOPA?

(article from Gizmodo, by Brian Barrett)

If you hadn't heard of SOPA before, you probably have by now: Some of the internet's most influential sites—Reddit and Wikipedia among them—are going dark to protest the much-maligned anti-piracy bill. But other than being a very bad thing, what is SOPA? And what will it mean for you if it passes?

SOPA is an anti-piracy bill working its way through Congress...

House Judiciary Committee Chair and Texas Republican Lamar Smith, along with 12 co-sponsors, introduced the Stop Online Piracy Act on October 26th of last year. Debate on H.R. 3261, as it's formally known, has consisted of one hearing on November 16th and a "mark-up period" on December 15th, which was designed to make the bill more agreeable to both parties. Its counterpart in the Senate is the Protect IP Act (S. 968). Also known by it's cuter-but-still-deadly name: PIPA. There will likely be a vote on PIPA next Wednesday; SOPA discussions had been placed on hold but will resume in February of this year.

...that would grant content creators extraordinary power over the internet...

The beating heart of SOPA is the ability of intellectual property owners (read: movie studios and record labels) to effectively pull the plug on foreign sites against whom they have a copyright claim. If Warner Bros., for example, says that a site in Italy is torrenting a copy of The Dark Knight, the studio could demand that Google remove that site from its search results, that PayPal no longer accept payments to or from that site, that ad services pull all ads and finances from it, and—most dangerously—that the site's ISP prevent people from even going there.

...which would go almost comedically unchecked...

Perhaps the most galling thing about SOPA in its original construction is that it let IP owners take these actions without a single court appearance or judicial sign-off. All it required was a single letter claiming a "good faith belief" that the target site has infringed on its content. Once Google or PayPal or whoever received the quarantine notice, they would have five days to either abide or to challenge the claim in court. Rights holders still have the power to request that kind of blockade, but in the most recent version of the bill the five day window has softened, and companies now would need the court's permission.

The language in SOPA implies that it's aimed squarely at foreign offenders; that's why it focuses on cutting off sources of funding and traffic (generally US-based) rather than directly attacking a targeted site (which is outside of US legal jurisdiction) directly. But that's just part of it.

...to the point of potentially creating an "Internet Blacklist"...

Here's the other thing: Payment processors or content providers like Visa or YouTube don't even need a letter shut off a site's resources. The bill's "vigilante" provision gives broad immunity to any provider who proactively shutters sites it considers to be infringers. Which means the MPAA just needs to publicize one list of infringing sites to get those sites blacklisted from the internet.

Potential for abuse is rampant. As Public Knowledge points out, Google could easily take it upon itself to delist every viral video site on the internet with a "good faith belief" that they're hosting copyrighted material. Leaving YouTube as the only major video portal. Comcast (an ISP) owns NBC (a content provider). Think they might have an interest in shuttering some rival domains? Under SOPA, they can do it without even asking for permission.

...while exacting a huge cost from nearly every site you use daily...

SOPA also includes an "anti-circumvention" clause, which holds that telling people how to work around SOPA is nearly as bad as violating its main provisions. In other words: if your status update links to The Pirate Bay, Facebook would be legally obligated to remove it. Ditto tweets, YouTube videos, Tumblr or WordPress posts, or sites indexed by Google. And if Google, Twitter, Wordpress, Facebook, etc. let it stand? They face a government "enjoinment." They could and would be shut down.

The resources it would take to self-police are monumental for established companies, and unattainable for start-ups. SOPA would censor every online social outlet you have, and prevent new ones from emerging.

...and potentially disappearing your entire digital life...

The party line on SOPA is that it only affects seedy off-shore torrent sites. That's false. As the big legal brains at Bricoleur point out, the potential collateral damage is huge. And it's you. Because while Facebook and Twitter have the financial wherewithal to stave off anti-circumvention shut down notices, the smaller sites you use to store your photos, your videos, and your thoughts may not. If the government decides any part of that site infringes on copyright and proves it in court? Poof. Your digital life is gone, and you can't get it back.

...while still managing to be both unnecessary and ineffective...

What's saddest about SOPA is that it's pointless on two fronts. In the US, the MPAA, and RIAA already have the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) to request that infringing material be taken down. We've all seen enough "video removed" messages to know that it works just fine.

As for the foreign operators, you might as well be throwing darts at a tse-tse fly. The poster child of overseas torrenting, Pirate Bay, has made it perfectly clear that they're not frightened in the least. And why should they be? Its proprietors have successfully evaded any technological attempt to shut them down so far. Its advertising partners aren't US-based, so they can't be choked out. But more important than Pirate Bay itself is the idea of Pirate Bay, and the hundreds or thousands of sites like it, as populous and resilient as mushrooms in a marsh. Forget the question of should SOPA succeed. It's incredibly unlikely that it could. At least at its stated goals.

...but stands a shockingly good chance of passing...

SOPA is, objectively, an unfeasible trainwreck of a bill, one that willfully misunderstands the nature of the internet and portends huge financial and cultural losses. The White House has come out strongly against it. As have hundreds of venture capitalists and dozens of the men and women who helped build the internet in the first place. In spite of all this, it remains popular in the House of Representatives.

That mark-up period on December 15th, the one that was supposed to transform the bill into something more manageable? Useless. Twenty sanity-fueled amendments were flat-out rejected. And while the bill's most controversial provision—mandatory DNS filtering—was thankfully taken off the table recently, in practice internet providers would almost certainly still use DNS as a tool to shut an accused site down.

...unless we do something about it.

The momentum behind the anti-SOPA movement has been slow to build, but we're finally at a saturation point. Wikipedia, BoingBoing, WordPress, TwitPic: they'll all be dark on January 18th. An anti-SOPA rally has been planned for tomorrow afternoon in New York. The list of companies supporting SOPA is long but shrinking, thanks in no small part to the emails and phone calls they've received in the last few months.

So keep calling. Keep emailing. Most of all, keep making it known that the internet was built on the same principles of freedom that this country was. It should be afforded to the same rights.

Source: http://gizmodo.com/5877000/what-is-sopa





<3 M

So I'm Moving

Soon, too.  I haven't moved in at least five years, which is the longest I've gotten to stay put in my entire adult life.  I hate moving constantly, I am a home-body and like the stability of staying in one place and making it into a nice home to live.  So I'm glad I haven't moved, or had to move especially, in a long time.  I know I'm moving now, but the reason this doesn't suck is because it is a place in the same building I'm already in and my living arrangements are vastly improving, not the other way around.

But since it's been a while, I am feeling pretty overwhelmed with the actual process of moving, especially because a.)I don't have a lot of time to pack and move, and b.)I'm feeling like crap these days and in the state of mind that has trouble handling much stress as it is.  Cannot. process. this.  Seems simple, yet I'm having issues dealing.  Ugh, I'm tired.

I should be getting excited and planning out how I'm gonna set my new place up and all that good stuff - that is typical me, but I guess I've really gotten used to being here and am having some anxiety about having to set up a whole new home.  Where will I put shit? lol I know it's fucked up.

The difference between where I am now and where I will be:

This Place is a bachelor one bedroom.  I'm not even sure what that means, but it translates into a very small apartment with a small bedroom.  Totally grateful to have it.

The New Place is a normal one bedroom.  It is, to me, quite huge, and has one ginormous bedroom.  When I say 'ginormous bedroom' I am highly understating: this bedroom is the size of two large rooms.  It's fucking huge.  It's way too big to use as just a bedroom.  To me, a bedroom doesn't need to be big at all because it is for sleeping and doing sexy things and that's pretty much it, so you really just need a bed and night- table and maybe a little dresser or something.

This Place has a small bathroom with a shower, but not tub.

The New Place has a really big bathroom with a tub.  This is one of the biggest reasons I like this place - the tub.  I love baths so much, and often need them for pain reasons.  I've borrowed Jodie's tub and my mum's tub and Brian's tub, but it's still not the same as having your own tub to use any time, day or night, in lovely silence, with all your bath salts and what-nots... ahhhhh. 

This Place has a tiny, oddly shaped living room.  It is so small and weirdly arranged that I've never been able to make it work for much.  For about two years now, I've had my bed in there and it's pretty much all it's good for.  So I don't have a living room.  It sucks cause there's no where for company to sit or anything :-/ So I don't really have anyone over.

The New Place has a huge living room.  And it's arranged well too.  So that's awesomeness. But since I have no living room furniture, I'm not sure what I will do in there. It would be nice to be able to have people over.  Space = nice.

This Place has a coat closet and a linen closet sized closet with shelves in it.  So I've kept my clothing in the coat closet and I use the small closet for art supplies and paper stuff.

The New Place has a coat closet, a really big storage closet, and a normal bedroom closet.  I'm really going up in the world! :-p

This Place has a pretty good sized kitchen. 

The New Place has a small, galley style kitchen. I kinda like the new kitchen better because it's out of the way (hard to explain), you can't see the kitchen from anywhere in the apartment unless you go into it, it's kinda cute, and so much less space to create messiness :-p

So this place is sweet and I'm pretty stoked about it being my new home.  Just not sure what to do with it.  I have a few basic 'areas' that I need in my home so I have to figure out where these areas will be situated:  I need a bedroom, a living room, an office/studio, and hopefully a zen-type space.  I will probably put a curtain or something up in the huge bedroom to separate it into two areas, one will be the bedroom and the other will probably be the office/studio, though I'm not sure yet.

I kinda want to set the work area up in the living room but I also know that work can = mess and would rather not have that mess in the middle of the living room.  If I had it in the bedroom I could easily close the door on and make it 'disappear' lol.  But I think it would be kind of weird to have a peaceful, relaxing bedroom and a busy, cluttered work space so close to each other.  Will a curtain be enough to keep the spaces sufficiently separate? I'll know better once I actually get in there I guess.

I'm excited and overwhelmed... eeep! Just a few more weeks! Halp!


<3 M

I Feel Like Poo

I wish the doctors would do tons of tests on me so I could just know, once and for all, what the fuck is all wrong with me.

I have an appointment on the 23rd with an allergy specialist, so I guess he's gonna do a bunch of random tests to see what I might be allergic to.  I don't have high hopes for that though, not sure why.  This is why I wanna do an elimination diet in the new year so I can actually pinpoint what foods are having what effect on me.  I don't see any other way of figuring it out.

Then there's the whole iron thing.  I'm supposed to be taking three pills a day, each one at different times, and that's where I'm getting fucked up - it took me years to remember to take my meds everyday, and that was just once a day... and right now my schedule is completely fucked up so I'm confused as to when I should be taking them.  I only just got up an hour ago, I'm not even fully awake yet, I haven't taken any pills yet.  So I don't know when I'm supposed to be taking iron pill 2 and then iron pill 3.  I really hate when things are like this.

I don't have any energy :-(


<3 M 

11:11:11

(IM conversation on 11.10.11)

marylin houle 10:49 AM 
tomorrow is 11.11.11

brian 10:49 AM
so it is

marylin houle 10:49 AM
that's pretty important

brian 10:49 AM
y

marylin houle 10:50 AM
it's an important spiritual number, hard to explain, you should google it

brian 10:53 AM
just seems like a lot of numerologytheory
a lot of doomsday stuff, weddings, a movie released about it
veterans/rememberance day

marylin houle 10:59 AM
well, it's more than that. years and years ago i noticed i was seeing different variations of the number 1 - like 11:11 or 1:1 and that kind of thing, but mostly 11.11. anyway, seems like coincidence, but it kept happening so much so that it was starting to get freaky. it was happening all the time, i was seeing it on everything. I would look at the clock precisely at 11:11 all the time or wake up and the clock would be at 11:11. It was freaking me out. Then a few years later (it was still happening, it just seemed to go in cycles) i found out online that there's a whole crap load of people out there who have the same exact thing happen to them. It was freaky. The gist of it apparently, was that it is supposed to be an "awakening" number meant to stimulate something inside of certain "energy workers" - sounds loopy, I know, but it's also eerily familiar and right as well
i still see it in cycles, usually when I am on the right track

brian 11:00 AM
i used to have the same experience a long time ago, but for me it was 12:33

marylin houle 11:00 AM
well, if you read about it, different people see different numbers, but the main one is 11.
i try to be skeptical about it but having experienced what i did, it's hard

brian 11:01 AM
numbers ARE fascinating

marylin houle 11:02 AM
well, they are so part of everything.

brian 11:02 AM
as a part of a global consciouness, humans see numbers and patterns and interpret them in their own ways.
but I think it's because we want to control the numbers, not because the numbers control us

marylin houle 11:03 AM
i don't think it's either
numbers can't control anything. and people want to control everything, but they can't lol

brian 11:04 AM
11:11:11 is a date that is based on calendar system created by humans. And that's not even a global thing, that is a western thing. other parts of the world use different systems

marylin houle 11:05 AM
what does that have to do with anything though. the number 11 is not just in a calendar

brian 11:05 AM
no but this instance of it is.

marylin houle 11:06 AM
yes, tomorrow

brian 11:06 AM
another thing to consider is that the repetition of 1s in eleven is also a human creation -- the base 10 number system

marylin houle 11:07 AM
that doesn't really make a difference though
in this matter

brian 11:07 AM
explain

marylin houle 11:08 AM
just because something is man made, does not mean it can't have spiritual meaning, whether attributed by man himself and/or coming from a spiritual realm as some kind of expression to man for whatever reason

brian 11:08 AM
ah i see what you mean
personally I think it is the first thing you said
but it could be either

marylin houle 11:11 AM
it could be either or both or none, in this case i'm not sure it matters because it is a positive thing for most and i don't believe in coincidence so i think it's a phenomenon joining these people together for a reason, whatever that reason may be, but their intentions are purely about healing and awakening

brian 11:11 AM
i tend to agree with that

marylin houle 11:11 AM
and i just looked at the clock at and it's 11:11
lol

brian 11:11 AM
so it is






<3 M

It's The Moon I Tells Ya, The Moon!

< update >

NaNoWriMo:

It is day 9, halfway through the second week and all I have written is 844 words.  I started writing on day 1 and went into panic mode.  This never happened in the last two years I participated, but this year I am suffering especially from depression and high anxiety.  Not because of NaNoWriMo, but because of the S.A.D., the medication adjustment a few months ago, and some other things going on in my life (worries and whatnot).

I haven't been able to bring myself to write anymore.  The document has sat open on my task bar since November 1st.  I just closed it though.  Even though I am so behind I still had a faint hope of catching up, which under normal circumstances would be hard but not impossible.  But I just found out today that I am probably moving on December 1st.

It bothers me that I wasn't able to accomplish it this year, but I'm going to try to write my ass off in 2012 to make up for it.

'Space Project':

I got really far, actually I only needed to put some art on the wall and it's done.  If I can get my camera to work soon I'll post a photo, but I see no point in continuing the project since I'm moving in about three weeks.  I will create my space in the new place (along with many other things) and will blog all about it.

< /update >


<3 M

Don't Drink The Wormwood!

I set the timer for three 15 minute intervals in a row: do you have any idea how much you can get accomplished in 15 minutes?  It's ridiculous.  I kept having to check the timer to see if it was broken because it seems like it should have gone off already.  Nope.  I got a lot more done than I set out to do because of this little trick - but more importantly, I got off my ass and started.  Fifteen minutes.  Mind you for more physical jobs like cleaning the apartment I think ten minutes may be a better idea, depending on my pain levels that day, because I found myself needing to sit around the ten minute mark.  But I pushed on I did!

Then I made myself a Swanson's microwave dinner and Mel came over.

And like the magi she is, she brought me frankincense and myrrh. This is the same friend whose handfasting I was at last Saturday, the one who was married by Santa :-D

I made a pot of wormwood tea.  Have you ever had wormwood tea?  It tastes like you're chewing aspirin.  No exaggeration. In fact, it's possibly worse than that. I got the stuff from Brian, who told me it was not possible to finish a whole cup of the stuff because of how nasty it tastes.  I had to test this theory, plus I wanted to see what effects it would have since it is well known for its ability to bring altered states and enhance the third eye etc. and since we were going to do readings, that would have been fitting. So we did our best to tolerate the horrific taste (with O.J. chasers).  I managed to finish half a cup, Mel was a real trooper and managed to finish all of hers.

The effects were good but not THAT good. Not good enough to repeat. I'll take my wormwood in incense form, thank you.

It was a nice, witchy night.

There's a story about her earrings that I find interesting:

Mel's step-mother gave her a pair of earrings that were owned by her sister.

The sister's name was Dana "Poppy" Pastori.  Poppy was her slave name.  She was planning to leave her bf/Master but I guess he didn't want to release her because instead, he strangled her and chopped her up into pieces which he then mummified and shoved into a box.

Her body was in that box for three years and then came Hurricane Katrina.  That's when her body was discovered.  He had kept her with him, even BROUGHT HER WITH HIM when he and his new gf moved.

Now he's in prison.

And her sister (Mel's step-mother) gave Mel the earrings that Dana had been wearing in that box the whole three years.  She told Mel she wanted her sister's spirit to "live with her."

So now Mel has these earrings...

Before mentioning any of this, Mel asked me to tell her what I felt from them (psychically).  That was on Saturday right before she was handfasted.  I felt nervous excitement.  Then I felt like the oxygen was cut off from my head and my ears started ringing.  So Mel then told me a bit about where they came from.

I held them again tonight, this time I felt like I was being pushed down and had a cutting pain in my arm right above the elbow.  Then Mel filled me in on a lot more of the details about these earrings.

I asked why her step-mother would want her sister's spirit to live with her rather than to move on - kinda weird don't ya think? But as the step-mother wished, Dana's spirit seems to now be hanging around Mel.  At least that's what she tells me.  But at least she's trying to help the woman move on, and I find it pretty cool that she seems to mainly be doing so in her dreams (yay dreams!).

Now there's a good lesson for all you Dom(me)s and Masters/Mistresses out there: if your slave wants to be released, it means s/he wants to end things, it does not mean you should go mental and pull an "if I can't have you, no one will" or something equally as psycho.

P.S. I love you Master! mwa!


<3 M

Flustergasted

 I've asked Brian to call me in the morning because a.)It's a hell of a lot nicer to wake up to him saying he loves me than it is to wake up to an alarm clock that makes me want to hide under the covers and b.)I've found it gets me up on a positive note that I carry throughout the day.  Today was the first day with him doing that.  It worked alright. I'll admit I went back to sleep for twenty minutes and the alarm woke me up the second time, but he asked me to meet him on messenger and I knew if I didn't he'd be calling again so at least I had a reason to get my ass out of bed.  I was really nervous that I wouldn't last the day without wanting to crawl back into bed but so far so good.

And my friend Mel is coming over this evening now so I have a reason not to go back to bed as well as a reason to tidy up around here.  We'll be doing some readings and whatnot.

But before the tidying up, I decided to set my timer for 15 minutes and work on my space.  The good news is that the job is easier than I thought and I worked on it for more like a half and hour cause I was sort of enjoying it.  It will take me way less time than I anticipated, which is awesomeness.

The bad news is that I made some messes while working and now I feel like my place is a bit overwhelming to have to tidy up.  I overwhelm easily.  I think if I set my timer again to 15 minutes like I did with the other project, I'll have an easier time feeling like I can actually tackle the job.  Mhmm yep.

The weekend is approaching way too soon... I have socializing planned and I don't feel ready to crawl out from my cave  yet.  Ah well.  Off I go to tidy.


<3 M

When I Wake Up, In My Make Up

Today is pretty much a write-off.  Not gonna get any of the things done that I wanted to.  But that's okay.  At least that's what I'm telling myself.  The world is not going to esplode or anything because I wasn't able to make the daily quota.  Gonna go to bed early, hopefully wake up with some energy and make up for today's idleness.

Brian came to visit me this morning.  It's good to have a reason to get out of bed.  We kind of messed up the bed a lot though :-p  He brought me coffee and carrot cake and love.  He tries to give me love even though I'm really hard to love when I am down in the dumps as I am.  He is awesome.

Then I went to the doctor's.  And on my way there it occurred to me that three months ago I took it upon myself to lower my dosage of Celexa from 30mg to 20mg.

I've been trying to decipher exactly why my depression right now is as strong as it is because it feels much worse than the usual onset of S.A.D. and my life situation is not that bad.  So I don't know why it took me so long to put two and two together.  My brain is annoying funny sometimes.

So I'm kinda hoping this is the reason for the depression and that once I go back to taking my old dosage I will start to improve.  Crossing my fingers on that one. Gonna start tomorrow.

P.S. I need a new webcam, the one I have is pretty much useless and I want to have Skype dates with Brian.  Please to point me in the direction of a decent, inexpensive cam?


<3 M

The World Is Upspydown

 I was nervous about my gyno appointment today because they're gonna stick a microscope inside me and see what's goin' on in there.  Turns out my appointment isn't till the 16th and that today's appointment was just a regular doctor's appointment.  So I went. And the receptionist informed me that my appointment is in fact tomorrow, not today O_O

I am fighting to stay out of bed.  I can't explain how hard it is.  And I don't have the mental or physical energy to do anything much while I am awake.

Now that the complaining portion of our program is complete...

I went to my friend Mel's handfasting this past Saturday.  It was a small, private ceremony.  It made me want to get married! :-p  The ceremony was performed by a man who is also the head Santa Claus of Hamilton, as I'm told.  I was also in his coven for a while.  I'd love to tell people that Santa Claus performed my wedding lol.

In all seriousness though, it was quite beautiful.  Here's a photo of the altar, taken by one of the guests:

Pretty!  It was awesomeness.  Congratulations Mike and Mel <3

In other news, I have a simple goal - Create a nice space here:

It's been sitting there like that for about two months or so now.  It's not that it's a difficult task, it's just that I haven't done it yet, don't know why, just haven't.  And I don't know when it will get done if I don't actually PLAN to do it.  So that's what I'm going to do.

According to the SMART Goal model, I have to be Specific and know exactly what it is I'm trying to achieve (what will it look like when I'm done), it has to be Measurable so I can track my progress (how will I know I am getting it done?), it has to be something Attainable that I can actually achieve (do I have the time, energy, and resources to get this done?), it has to be Relevant (do I even care if this is done?), and it has to be planned with a Time-frame in mind (what days will I work on this and for what amount of time? when will this be finished?).

Specific

I want to organize the space to create a place where I can sit and relax, read, meditate, etc.  I want it to be clutter-free and peaceful.  I want to put things up on the wall.

Measurable

When I am satisfied that I have done a decent job, when the space makes me feel the way I want to feel in it, I will know I have achieved the goal.

Attainable

Though I would prefer to paint the wall, get an area rug, and perhaps a different piece of furniture, I don't have the resources to do those things in the next few months.  But I still want to do something with the space rather than have it sit there looking cluttered and being useless, so I am using what I already have to do the best I can with it.  I believe a two month deadline for this job is more than reasonable.

Relevant

This goal is very relevant. I want a nice home and this space not being done is keeping that from happening.

Time-frame

I will spend a minimum of 15 minutes every weekday working on this.  I can spend more time if I want to, but 15 minutes is all that is required of me.  This goal will be completed on or before December 31st, 2011.

If I knew I really wanted to do this but was really lacking in motivation, I might list the pros and cons of achieving the goal.

I know it seems silly to be this detailed for such a seemingly small endeavor, but I really need to practice this stuff.  And like I said, this project is not gonna go anywhere if I don't turn the "gonna do" into "gonna do at this time and date."

I'll let you know how it goes.


<3 M

It's Almost Time To NaNoWriMo

Happy Halloween!  Kinda. I'm tired tired tired and had to force myself to blog right now because all I feel like doing is chilling out with a movie. 

Halloween is my favourite time of year, but I'm not doing anything to celebrate, at least not tonight, anyway.  Yesterday we (Brian, Drew, and myself) did Jack-o-lanterns, which made me happy.  I want to post a picture of them but they're on Brian's phone and I don't want to bug him to upload right now cause he's kinda bummed out about his ginormous hard drive up and dying... understandable.  I'm sure I will do my own little celebration this week - I usually at least do a reading to sort of forecast the coming year.  That might be interesting to share with you.

Midnight marks the beginning of NaNoWriMo 2011.  This is my third year participating.  Keeping with tradition, I haven't prepared anything so it should be another interesting experience.  Because of how tired I am I probably won't start writing until the morning.  I've found getting as much writing done in the morning gives you more freedom to make up for any possible procrastination or life interruption later on in the day.  And if you manage to get your minimum word count in before lunch, anything else you happen to write after that is a bonus.



I plan to be a bit of a writing machine this month: I'd like to go well beyond the 50,000 word mark and at the same time, blog here at least a few times a week.  I know it will be easy to just say that I don't want to blog because I'm doing enough writing as it is or that I want to concentrate solely on the novel, but screw that, doing both is just fine.

If you're participating in NaNoWriMo this year, good luck! and feel free to add me as a writing buddy on the site


Happy Witch's New Year,


<3 M

Random Art: Part 13

Materials: decorative paper, water soluble pencil crayons/crayons, pen, acrylic paint

<3 M

Random Art: Part 12

Materials: acrylic paint

<3 M

Random Art: Part 11

Materials: acrylic paint, pencil, pen, decorative paper



<3 M

I Have Good Noms.

Two posts in one day?  Yeah. I didn't talk about any of the stuff I meant to in my previous entry.  Free-flow writing is like that, you never know where it's going to take you, and apparently my psyche needed to bitch about other things.

Anyway, on Monday, Brian met me after work and we went to Zum Linzer on Main for the Kinky Restaurant Crawl (it's the Kinky Restaurant Crawl only because all the people who come are kinksters, we do not wear latex and dog collars at the restaurants).

I've heard a lot about this place because a friend of ours (Ravenshire Fetish) is one of the cooks there. It's German cuisine -  If you've ever heard of the Black Forest Inn, well this place is even better and the prices are extremely fair  for what you get.

So a few good friends made it out and it was a fun night, which I really really needed cause as I've been saying, I've been living under a rock for quite a while.

I ordered the Schnitzel Cordon Bleu, which is ham and cheese wrapped in a pork schnitzel, with home fries (that are cooked in bacon fat O_O) and veggies.  It also comes with soup or salad to start as well as a basket of rye bread.  The Schnitzel Cordon Bleu sounds disgusting to me, but it tasted like heaven and I will definitely be getting that again some day.  The portions were huge and the meal was only thirteen dollars.  I usually hate pea soup and am not a big soup person in general but for some reason I felt like soup so I got the pea soup instead of the salad as my starter and it was fricken delicious!  Plus I had a Stiegl with my meal and I think that's one of my new favourite beers.

The service was really friendly, patient, and overall good.  The dining room was quaint, laid back, cozy.  And my entire bill was only twenty-one dollars (before tip).  Before going, I expected to be paying no less than thirty dollars for my meal but I was pleasantly mistaken.

Everyone decided to go out for ice-cream for dessert up to the Marble Slab Creamery on Upper James, but I went home instead cause I'm really poor this month.  I've never been there but from the sounds of it, I really really want to go.  Ice-cream = Good.

And because I somehow always manage to surround myself with geeks (I love it), what came out of the night was a spin-off group where we take turns hosting movie night where we watch corny, cheesy, horrible sci-fi movies.  Our first movie will be Barbarella.  There'd better be a lot of boobs.

Tuesday was the Hamilton Writers meeting.  That was good.  Of course since the meetings are held at Chesters - Beers of the World, I had to order a Stiegl, just to make sure it was still as yummy as it was the night before :-p  And yes, it was.

The majority of us are gearing up for NaNoWriMo, which is now only four days away.  As has been my tradition for three years now, I wait till the week before to fully decide I will participate and then wait still until it is just days away to consider what I might write about.  My first year was exciting - I had no clue whatsoever about what I was going to write about - nothing.  I still managed to make it past 50, 000 words but it taught me that I need to have at least some idea or plan before beginning so that it wouldn't be so hard to come up with things to write.  Not to mention the fact that the more planning that goes into it, the better chance of the piece being publishable with some work.  Mine was/is publishable with A LOT of work.

My second year I actually had an idea and did a very minute amount of planning.  It made the process much easier and I was able to soar past 50,000 words before the thirty day dead line.  The writing was/is good but it is unfinished.  I decided after the contest ended to take a short break from writing since I'd been writing like a mad-woman for thirty days straight and it's always good to replenish your creative juices and whatnot.  The problem is, I never picked it back up.

This, my third year, I have an inkling of what I'm going to write about.  It was a last minute idea that I will divulge to you later.  If I'm smart, I will do some planning for it because this is something I would actually want to publish eventually.  Should be interesting.

Among the things I've learned from participating in NaNoWriMo is a particular block I seem to have.  I'd love to figure out how to get around it:  the problem is, the writing I like to do most is very much like the writing I do when I make a blog entry - it is free-flowing, personal, and very much my voice, my personality.  But when I sit down to write something (other than a blog or journal), I can't seem to write this way.  I think a big part of the block is the expectation that whatever it is I've decided to write has to be a certain way or follow certain literary rules or be like the rest of the similar works. So I either end up stuck or I end up writing in a style that does not work because it is so "fake".. the voice is... lacking whatever it is that makes prose sound "true." It's hard to explain.  Others may like the writing I've done like this, but if I don't like it, it's not satisfying. 

Anyway, any advice would be appreciated.

My good friend Mel is getting handfasted this Saturday and I'm her witness.  This will be my first handfasting so it should be interesting.  I was invited to one around this time last year but a [insert horrible curse words and insulting adjectives] taxi driver made me miss it.

Then I'm off to Brian's for Sunday and Monday where we will be carving pumpkins and other Halloweeny goodness.  I miss him (and Drew) and wish they didn't live so far away :-( poop.

Though I will admit absence really does make the heart (and other body parts) grow fonder.



<3 M

I Am S.A.D. N' Stuff

I don't want to sleep all day.  I have delayed sleep phase disorder and S.A.D. - a combination that sorta leaves me fighting a losing battle regarding actually have a choice in the matter as to when I do or do not sleep.

I have a sun lamp, which is supposed to (and does) help with both the sleep disorder and the S.A.D. because they both have much to do with the circadian rhythm.  Well I believe the lamp is helping me with my mood but not with my sleep cycle.  But that's my fault.  If you don't use the lamp around the time you want your body to wake up (say, mid morning) than you won't.  Because I've been sleeping all day and using the lamp at like two or three in the afternoon, I'm not getting any change.

So I need to somehow get my ass out of bed earlier.  It's so hard to do that when all you wanna do is sleep cause you're so tired and your natural instinct is to hibernate during the dark half of the year (I am the bear and the owl ya know) and you have no solid reason to actually get up anyway because you have no real obligations, plans, or responsibilities.

I'd argue that I have responsibility to myself but if that case held any weight I'd be a much healthier person right now.

I'm sure it will all work out, it always does in some way.

I think I really need to start making plans and following them - I know I would feel much less scattered, unorganized, and directionless.  I stopped caring years ago about having goals.  When I was younger, I had so many goals and dreams.  After a while of being depressed and emotionally fucked up, I stopped having goals other than "get better" and since I never got better (for a long time that is), my goals didn't change.

Since I've been improving tremendously and the longing to have real goals again has come back, I found myself lost, not knowing what the hell I even wanted. As if I had forgotten how to even have goals.  It saddened me to realize how far away I had gotten from myself to not even know what I wanted.

Luckily(? hehe), I have a boyfriend who needed help figuring out how to make and implement/achieve goals.  Exasperated (for some reason), I set out to teach him, frustrated because of how easy it was to do so (and why didn't he know how?).  Isn't the ego a funny thing?  Here I am, struggling with the exact same issue (way to be aware of yourself, right?) and acting like some kind of expert on the subject.
 
But I did it.  I taught him how to do it.  And it was effective.  And as I taught, I realized this was exactly what I needed to be doing for myself.  I can be a very wise person but I really suck at the actual doing and sticking to part of things.

So I did sit down and make some goals for myself, in all areas of life.  And I even created a neat little binder with dividers to categorize the goals and keep track of them etc.  I put a lot of work into making this little binder, my GOALS & PLANS binder, to make it all organized and pretty and stuff. 

And that's where I stopped.

I made this binder at least two months ago.  I have not even looked at it since.  I have not looked at any of the goals I made.  I'm not exactly sure why I do this sort of thing.  I know part of it is fear of failure.  Another part is how scattered I have felt for so long that I never know what I should be doing at any given moment since there is so much I need and want to do and no actual schedule or priority and anything.  Did I mention I am good at excuses too?  ;-)  Basically, I overwhelm easily and I am good at overwhelming myself on an almost daily basis.

So what should I do?  Open that damn binder! 


<3 M

Always The Wanna, Never The Be

Take one down, pass it around...

Another winter, another series of complaints cleverly disguised as blog entries by yours truly.  I do include other tidbits and can sometimes be insightful, so maybe it's not a complete waste of time.

Complaint of the day: so fucking drained of energy.  It's likely something I can fix if I really try, but the fact that I'm too tired to do so is the evil, viscous circle.

One thing I have learned though, no matter what may be ailing you, you will more often than not feel better if you have a glass of water.  I'm serious.  And this especially goes for lack of energy.  I think I need to go get myself some water now...

So it has been a little over one month since I quit smoking and for the last two days I have had inklings of regret.  I still don't want to smoke, in the bigger picture, but my god do I sometimes I want to smoke.  It's purely psychological and I'm pretty logical about it but what scares me is when I'm emotional: when I am extremely emotionally disregulated, most of my logic goes right out the door and my mind craves things it knows will give me immediate gratification... it wants me to soothe myself and tends to want to fall back on unhealthy, quick fixes... from over-eating, drinking, taking pills, being promiscuous, cutting, living in bed, etc. etc. and now one of those things is having a cigarette.

Cigarettes are an old friend.  We shared a sixteen year friendship, actually.  That's a long time to be addicted to something.  But as unhealthy a friend as they were, if I'm in enough distress, I have little to stop me from saying 'fuck it.'  And that scares me.  But at least I know no matter what happens, logic is never gone forever and will kick my ass if I give into the temptation.

It's funny, a cigarette does not do a thing for me chemically (I don't physically crave it anymore, that has passed) but psychologically it is an old comfort, it is a whole "this is who I am, this is part of my persona" thing, as weird as that sounds.  But I will be strong. 

I have quit five times before this and for some reason, this particular time feels extremely different than the other times.  I feel like I have a lot more control over it this time.  I dunno why. Maybe it's just that I have a lot more skills to use. 

I'm not enjoying the need to eat so much, it's never been a thing before, but I know that's temporary and it's much more worth gaining some weight that will likely come back off than smoking and all the health shit that comes along with it.  I mean, I was in the emergency room with asthma attacks... I think gaining few pounds is forgivable if it means staying out of the ER lol.

That's enough about smoking, I need something to eat :-p

Brian slept over on Friday night which was awesomeness.  One of my favourite things in the world is waking up with him there, waking up to him giving me a sweet kiss and holding me.  It's the perfect way to wake up and I really wish I could wake up that way everyday.  *Sigh* Desire is suffering... grumble grumble.

Anyhew, on Saturday he took me to Thai Memory for dinner.  It's a really nice place next to the Sky Dragon Center on King William.  The food is the best Thai I've ever had, the prices are good, and it's so serene - there's a big pond/fountain thing that I particularly love.  They're pretty cool there: if you pay with cash they take 5% off your bill and if you bring your own tupperware to bring home your leftovers, they take off another 5%.  Awesomeness.  I had a red curry chicken dish with coconut rice (mmmmm) and Brian had the Pad Thai (he has had many many Pad Thais in his time and he claims this was the best one yet).  We were unfortunately too full for dessert, which would have been ginger ice cream.

After that we walked over to the Citadel on Rebecca to go see a play that our friend was in: it was called "Suburban Motel" by George F. Walker (directed by Tyler Brent).  It consisted of two small plays: Risk Everything and Criminal Genius.

"Risk Everything" was definitely THE better play (not that the other one wasn't good), the acting was amazing and I'm looking forward to seeing more, and yes, Tara Smith (Hot-T from the Petit Fours) did steal the show ;-)

After that awesomeness we went over to Gallaghers for a friend's birthday gathering.  It is VERY hard to socialize when the music is so loud you can't hear the person next to you screaming in your ear.  It's a shame because I really like the atmosphere there.  Oh well.

Today is Sunday blah-ness time.  Had a two hour nap today, couldn't help it.

Tomorrow is the restaurant crawl and Tuesday is Hamilton Writers, so I'm sure I'll have more to write about.  Project Un-Isolate Marylin is well underway, but not easy :-s

P.S. I love you.








<3 M

Random Art: Part 10

 Materials: acrylic paint, gesso, marker, water-soluble crayon/coloured pencil





<3 M

Random Art: Part 9

 Materials: acrylic paint, water-soluble pencil crayons, pencil




<3 M

In My Mind

This song seems to do a good job of straightening out my thinking:





<3 M