August 5, 2009

Emotional Hemophilia

I'm using notepad to write this due to LiveJournal having erased my damn blog the other day, right when I was done typing it, but before, of course, I had a chance to post.

I currently have zero drama going on in my life (thank gods) and nothing immediately worrisome or depressing going on.

That feels nice. Freeing.

Now I'm left with me to deal with! I'm doing a good job, considering, but I have a nagging feeling of... I don't even know... it's just unsettling.

Like, what's going to happen now?

Anxiety about the next thing that will trigger me because I know too well it kills me everytime: it's very black and white - right now I feel happy and hopeful... tomorrow, depending on what happens, I could want to kill myself (knock on wood).

A feeling of being lost, having no footing, being unsure of my self/life, feeling scattered and unfocused.

Oh the joys of mental illness.

The only explanation that comes to mind is that I'm undergoing such drastic change in my ways of thinking, behaving, and believing that I'm not sure who or what I'm becoming... unfamiliar territory.

That's an awesome thing. If I'm wrong, then I really don't know what's up. Do anxiety disorders have to be triggered by situations or can anxiety arise on its own accord?

That could be it. Who knows.

In other, not so unrelated news, I'm finally starting the DBT group next Tuesday. I've been on the waiting list for a couple of years for this! DBT is apparently the make or break therapy for people with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I used to be very bitter about not having had this therapy before... before any damage to my relationship(s) was done. But now I realize that whatever happened, happened because I needed to go through certain things and to learn certain lessons.

A bitter-sweet realization, but better late than never.

Anyhew, it's a thirteen month long intensive group therapy - two hours a week with a group and one hour a week with my therapist one on one. Lots of homework in between.

I'm really excited but a little nervous, to be honest, about walking into a room full of women who have the same illness I have... I wouldn't even be able to handle one of me, let alone a group of me! But I know I'm just being silly ;o)

Along with the DBT stuff, I'm also working with an Al-Anon sponsor and have been going to meetings.

Since I've started doing this, I've learned so much about myself, others, and a lot of things that apply to my life as both a person affected by alcohol and a person with BPD.

All I can say is I'm growing daily and my life is already so much better after only a few weeks.

I can only guess how much growing I'll do for the next thirteen months as I do the DBT and Al-Anon... they're very similar actually.

Okay, enough mental stuff! I'll re-touch on some of the stuff I wrote the other day that LJ erased...

In March, I asked my subscribers to vote for my friends [info]sunnybananas and [info]4bit4 (aka Sunny and Blake Crittenden) in the Hypercube contest.

The contest was a seemingly cool attempt to market their 2009 Nissan Cube using nothing but social media (twitter).

Fifty creative Canadians had a seemingly fair chance at winning and Sunny and Blake were among those fifty chosen.

I'm a lazy gal, so if I didn't believe the Crittendens to be exceptionally worthy or winning a car, I would never have posted about it on my blog, or spammed multiple online venues seeking votes for them.

They worked their asses off for months during the contest, I know how much time, effort, and energy was spent on their part: putting their lives on hold in the belief that this was a fair contest.

So by the time the judges were ready to announce the winners, most of us assumed either Sunny or Blake, or both of them, would be coming home from the event in a brand new car.

When that didn't happen, we were left scratching our heads.

These two entries in Encyclopedia Dramatica explain quite well why shit went down the way it did: A simple case of the worst execution of a marketing competition I've ever heard of, to put it lightly.

Read it, it's a good one.

Speaking of Sunny: You're one tough lady! I'm glad you're doing okay (considering) and I hope they gave you a strong enough cocktail to not be in too much discomfort, and to hopefully get a decent high ;o) You are very loved <3

Completely random thought: I wish there was a healthy diet that didn't require counting, weighing, portioning, etc. of the food.

And shame on you, Winking Judge, for having the worst service I've possibly ever had the other night:
  • I arrived around 6:45pm, ordered a drink, and sat down.
  • The waitress eventually came over and asked if I wanted to order food, to which I responded that I would wait a bit, since my friend had yet to arrive.
  • At 7pm, friend arrived.
  • At 7:45pm, we were both wondering when in the world the waitress was going to come and take his order (yes he'd been there 45 minutes and no one had served him!).
  • So he decided to go to the bar and get his drink.
  • At about 9:30pm after we'd both long finished our one drink of the night and felt quite invisible and disgruntled (and hungry!), we concluded that we were not welcome.
  • I went to pay for my drink (no tip of course) and the waitress actually forgot that my friend had already paid for his drink.
  • We left, puzzled and not buzzed.

So folks, from 6:45pm to 9:30pm (two and a half hours I believe), we were approached by the waitress once and once only. She never came to our table. The place was empty. She was sitting and reading a newspaper!!! Horrid.

Anyway, to top off the lovely service, I went to the washroom and there was no fucking toilet paper in the stall.

We are going somewhere else next time.

Love M

1 comment:

  1. Must say a good submission to health category :)

    Pain Management


Thanks for reading <3