Supercrawling

I didn't wanna go to the Supercrawl - I was sore and way too anxious to be around all those people.  But I forced myself because I guess I felt I would rather be in pain and have anxiety than to sit home like I always do and feel like the world is spinning without me, and I'm watching people live their lives in ways I just cannot.

I love my city and the things I love most about it are things I have difficulty participating in because of my illnesses and social anxiety and that pisses me off so much.

So I went with Brian.  There were about 200% more people there than I imagined - it was huge and awesome.  I was nervous and overwhelmed but after being there a while, I started to relax and focus more on the art than on how I was feeling and how I might look to everyone else.

And I had a good time and felt the same inspiration I always do when I go to the Art Crawl, except much more so. 

I  bought a small print by local artist Megan Rae:

 

She has a lot of work I really like, and a lot of pretty cool surrealist stuff, like this Dali-esque peice:

 

 You can see more of her stuff here and on her website here.

I also bought two prints by another local artist, Tim Francis.  After working at Dofasco most of his life, he retired in 2004 and opened a gallery on James St. N.  

I got signed prints of Irving's clothing store on James Street that I cannot find a picture of for some reason, and a larger print of This Aint Hollywood:

We decided to end the evening by stopping at This Aint Hollywood for a drink.

I love this city.



<3 M

Waking Up

Excerpts on realizing you're on a roller-coaster ride and didn't even know you bought the ticket...

...I’ve been really low, lower than usual, in a really dark and confusing place and no idea why.

Then I had a strange experience: when I looked around me, I could see underneath things, like under the surface kind of thing and it made me realize a lot of it was an illusion – an illusion of things being okay, an illusion of control/manageability, an illusion of a true life. I know it sounds crazy, but it was pretty powerful and shook me up but I had no idea what to make of it at the time.

It felt like something woke up inside me and was pissed off and confused. It felt like the real me had been trapped or asleep inside of me and now it was waking up and wondering why she was living someone else’s life – like the person I am now is not the person I really am inside – I’m not living the life the true me wants to live. I felt like the real me had been possessed by someone/thing and didn’t realize it until now, and that upset her because she wasn’t sure how to free herself.

...it felt like the universe sucker punched me in the stomach and I started to cry and to mourn myself... I read about how having a partner with ADD can make you a shell of a person (for various reasons but mainly because of how crazy it makes you trying to deal with it), how it gives you the ‘frog in the pot’ syndrome, how it makes you isolate for various reasons, how it makes you accept so much unacceptable behaviour that you no longer know the difference and start questioning your own boundaries and expectations for proper treatment ...about how being in a relationship with an ADD partner is not much different than being in a relationship with an alcoholic... about no longer having goals for the future because you’ve been too busy dealing with the craziness.

All the work... all the sacrifice and tolerance, it did help quite a bit – in the more recent months the roller-coaster has stopped taking so many turns so often – life has become bearable – but I also realized we’ve been stagnant. I spent so much energy getting to this point that once things started improving enough for me to relax a little bit, I became too afraid to rock the boat by expecting anything more than tolerable. And that isn’t good enough. We stopped working on things as actively and became stagnant - not going forward at all, just existing. 

I got terrified and it jolted something in me.

It woke me up.





<3 M

Hoppy Bunny Day!

Look what the Easter Bunny hid for me!

I will eat your nose.

Derp.

 

C'est fini

<3 M

Climbing Out Of My Skin

All my life I've been interested in many things, some of which have become passions of mine. This has made it seem impossible to figure out what it is I'm supposed to be doing with my life as far as purpose and an actual career.

When I was a little girl, I wanted to go to "Universary" and become a teacher.  When I got older and discovered I could write as a career and not just as a hobby, that's exactly what I was gonna do.

There have been a lot of hiccups.  In my late teens I became severely depressed and it completely stunted me.  I went inward and left life behind.  It immobilized me mentally and emotionally, and consequently socially and psychologically.

When I started to really pick up the pieces in my early twenties, I had to leave a promising job due to unexplainable physical and mental problems.  I was diagnosed by doctors and deemed unable to work.

When one spends several years in stagnation, trying skill-lessly to get better, apart from 'normal' life and 'normal' schedules, it becomes increasingly harder to get your head above water, and keep it there.  Life slowly but surely becomes purposeless, unnecessarily hard, and farther and farther out of reach.

It feels like I've been fighting forever and for the better part of those years, not getting very far.  I've learned a few lifetimes worth of lessons and gained a lot of skills and wisdom.  I just kept chipping away at the big boulder and after a long time, began to see it take some form.  For the longest time it just seemed like it wasn't ever going to budge.

But for the past few years, I've been able to see the difference of then and now - how far I've come.

When I was younger I was extremely ambitious and I had goals and dreams, plans for the future.  After years of living the kind of life I was living, I slowly stopped dreaming.  I didn't even notice it for a while but one day I realized I had no idea what I wanted my life to look like anymore, just that I didn't want it to look like it did.

I still had my many interests and passions, but no direction and no real idea of how to go about getting it.  It made me so sad to think I had no goals other than the same few goals I'd had for all these years: basic goals for my health since my health problems had weighed me down so much.  You could go through my journals throughout the years and see the same exact themes, year in and year out, struggling with myself against the same obstacles and never seeming to get anywhere.  It was really sad.

The good news is that I am mentally out of that place - I am now able to conceive of and institute plans, goals, and purpose in my life and for a while now I've been on a journey of self-discovery to figure out what that means for me.

Most recently in my journey, I came across an apparent stumbling block - the same damn block that has been there my whole adult life when it came down to deciding on a purpose/career: I don't know what I'm meant to do because I'm passionate about many things!

If my only true passion were writing, that would be easy.  But that isn't the case.  And I struggle with trying to figure out what path to follow.  What if I choose the wrong thing and waste too much time before I figure that out?  And I know I wouldn't be satisfied with any one thing (yes, I'm difficult).  I've been all over the place as far as my pursuits in life go and though I need a direction, I don't wish to ignore my passions as purposes in exchange for just one.

Obviously I've thought of choosing one and doing the other things as side projects.  But that hasn't seemed to fit either: the reason I'm so passionate about the things I'm passionate about is because they are all vehicles to the same end, and that end is my purpose.

I've always believed anything is possible and so I haven't given up on figuring this out.  I need to figure this out.  And then last night I learned a few new words:

Multipotentialism

A term defined in 1972 by R.H. Frederickson for people who, “when provided with appropriate environments, can select and develop a number of competencies to a high level.”

(from puttylike.com)

A multipotentialite is a person who has many different interests and creative pursuits in life.

Multipotentialites have no “one true calling” the way specialists do. Being a multipotentialite is our destiny. We have many paths and we pursue all of them, either sequentially or simultaneously (or both).

Multipotentialites thrive on learning, exploring, and mastering new skills. We are excellent at bringing disparate ideas together in creative ways. This makes us incredible innovators and problem solvers.

When it comes to new interests that emerge, our insatiable curiosity leads us to absorb everything we can get our hands on. As a result, we pick up new skills fast and tend to be a wealth of information.

Polymath/Renaissance Person.

A polymath (Greek: πολυμαθής, polymathēs, "having learned much") is a person whose expertise spans a significant number of different subject areas. In less formal terms, a polymath (or polymathic person) may simply be someone who is very knowledgeable. Most ancient scientists were polymaths by today's standards.


So I'm not alone.  *phew*  So now what?

Well now I feel less stressed out about it, for one thing.  This is not a bad thing!  I've never been comfortable in any box and I don't see how I could ever be happy trying.  And why bother if that's not what I'm meant to do?

So what I need to do is figure out how to take my passions and turn them into a career - into something fulfilling, something that aides people in some way, and something that allows me to be financially independent.  This is now the journey I'm on.  I now feel I have permission not to be pigeonholed into one specific expertise.  I just need to figure out what it will look like.

I had an awesome brainstorming session with Brian today - we listed the main things I'm passionate about doing.  One thing is for certain, there is a very strong theme that runs throughout all of those things and that is healing... in all aspects.  Health and well-being is what I want both for myself and for others.  This seems to be the epitome of what I need to offer the world in whatever ways I can.

Brian and I came up with a pretty good idea that I am definitely going to develop though I can't be positive yet if that is the exact direction I'm going.  It is very promising though.  One sure way I can tell it is right is that it immediately brought up a lot of fears as well as a feeling of a huge weight lifting off my shoulders.  We shall see.

But there are some things I have to do before I can get where I want to be - getting over my social anxiety is the most important one and the balls are already rolling on that.  That's a huge one.  Huge fears and huge discomfort.  That will be an interesting journey.  But I'm eager to get on with it so I can start doing more with my life.

My next step, aside from the above and doing more research on my possibilities, is formulating plans for my various goals - something I've learned is essential to do if you want to accomplish ANYTHING lol.

I have a lot of work ahead of me - I couldn't be more excited or terrified!


<3 M

Empty - ing

No idea where to start.  After fifteen years of not going to the dentist, I finally went yesterday and had two wisdom teeth extracted and some cavities filled.  The most dental work I'd ever had done previously was cleanings and one very tiny filling.

Brian brought me there and they gave me a magical liquid, along with some pills, tucked me in under a blanket on the chair, blindfolded me, and before I knew it there were people doing stuff in my mouth.  Yes I know that sounds dirty lol.  I was asleep for most of it.  The only painful parts were the needles in the gums, those were horrible, but didn't last very long so no big deal.

About two hours later, Brian was there and he took me back to his place and took care of me while I slept off the drugs.  I just need to make an appointment for a cleaning and I'm good - just gotta remember to floss I guess.

I do not feel less wise without my wisdom teeth, in fact, I feel even wiser ;-)

Last weekend I went to my niece, Amelie's dance recital.  She is three and adorable.  I've very proud to say she is the best dancer in her class and she absolutely loves the stage because after every group performance she yelled out "my turn!" lol.  And during intermission she ran up and gave a little show... and down the alley... and outside afterward... I love it.  I'm trying to find a video on the internets but having no luck.

This past Wednesday I had a pap.  Over a year ago they found abnormal cells during a pap so naturally they decided to keep an eye on things.  Well this time my gynecologist planned on doing a biopsy if any were found.  It's always a fun ordeal getting a pap, ya see, because it hurts like a sun of a bitch!  When I first started getting them it was not so bad - very uncomfortable but not enough to make me complain.  They were smart - they looked at me, saw they needed the SMALLER speculum, and proceeded with things as such.  For some reason that changed and it's like they're trying to stab my vagina.  I usually leave the office feeling sore, uncomfortable, and kind of abused to tell you the truth.  And this time was a gem.  He could not FIND my cervix.  He searched for like ten minutes with various instruments trying to find it.  "It should be there" I told him nervously.  It made me scared cause why the hell couldn't he find it?  He's a gynecologist!

Then he found it, but apparently couldn't see enough of it.  So then he tells me he's going to PULL my cervix out a little bit and so it might sting a bit O_O  What?  "Shouldn't it... stay where it's supposed to be?"  I said, terrified now.  The best part is that he doesn't even respond to my concerns, he just proceeds.  Thank gods for the nurse, she held my hand, she always tries to distract me from what he's doing and she tries to read my reactions for pain and then asks what kind of pain i'm feeling etc.  I think I will send her a card, actually, cause she's the only thing they have their that works, it seems.

And yes, it stung!  And I didn't even ask if he put it back lol :-s  After all that crap he tells me my cells are normal. *faints*

This past Saturday I attended  Amelie's baptism as her Godmother :-D  Brian and Drew came along, and Tiffani of course. While I'm not a believer in the religion, I do love Amelie and was happy to be part of it.  In fact, it was quite nice and she was of course adorable.  First thing she said as we entered the church - "Are we having cake?" :-p

She asked the priest what his white robes meant, she was really well-behaved and participated and I'm pretty sure she had some sort of spiritual experience if I didn't know any better. 

At one point, the priest asked that we all renew of baptismal vows.  No one there had ever been baptized aside from myself.  I found it really hard to repeat the words "I do" in answer to most of the questions being asked because I really really don't believe in those things, but I did what I could because it was for Amelie. The priest dropped his glasses in the bowl of water... that's how it ended hehe.

Then we went back to my mum's place for a while - she wasn't able to make it to the church because it was raining and her wheelchair would have gotten fucked up.

On Sunday, me, Brian, and Drew went to Gage Park.  It was a gorgeous day!  Brian and I sat under a shady tree on a blanket and ate some lunch, while Drew went back and forth between the water park and the playground.  Then around 3:30pm we all went over to where W.A.P. (whip and poi) was starting and spent the rest of the afternoon and good part of the evening with old and new friends. 

Drew played with the son of one of our friends while we lazed around.  I got to try out poi for the first time ever (finally) and I ended up enjoying it a lot more than I thought I would.  I seemed to pick it up quickly enough, I just have some major coordination issues to contend with.  It was really cool though.  I bough the stuff to make a pair but Brian lost it or something stupid but hopefully for next time.

What's interesting about this weekend, to me, is that Brian and I have been together for a year and a half (on Friday) and we've never had a picture taken of us - not accidentally and not on purpose.  It makes sense to me and it's sad but for some reason, this weekend we had two different people take our picture: my mum on Saturday (I hated the photo cause I'm a self-photo nazi) and then Dale on Sunday (which actually produced at the very least one good photo that I will share when I get).  We've had major ups and downs during our time together, things have been shaky, I won't lie (anymore), but I took the photo thing as an omen.  I hope so anyway.

Anyway, W.A.P. was good cause I really needed the social time and hopefully tomorrow will be good as well at the Hump Day munch.  I have a writer's meeting tonight but I feel like fainting so I'm gonna skip it.

What else can I tell you...

I've recently made some big discoveries about my future, about what I want to do with it, mainly.  And when I figured this out, it was great and I was very excited, and then it started to sink in: I can't do this because I am too afraid to talk to people, I'm too awkward and shy, too timid and anxious, too insecure because of it and there is no way you can be that way in the profession I want to go in.  So this was depressing.

Then I realized two other things:  a) I can't do ANYTHING worth doing if I'm this way and b) I'm not fucking shy people, I have social anxiety and THERE IS HELP.

I always thought it was just severe shyness.  I didn't even think it was that big of a deal but it just kept getting worse and worse and I didn't even see what it was doing to my life.  I kinda feel dumb for not even realizing and I think that's because I can and do socialize, but not without going through cycles of insecurity, anxiety, fear of not being liked,  etc etc and then when I AM putting myself out there for fear of being alone forever, I am so anxious that I stumble over my words, feel stupid and think no one actually likes me, they're just being nice. etc etc. etc.  It's ridiculous.  I just didn't put two and two together.  And now it's gone on so long that I don't know how to make much sense of it. 

I've been trying to use skills I learned in DBT lately, such as observing how I feel around people and taking notice of the thoughts I'm having and not giving into urges such as asking people if they like me (yes it's that bad). 

The fact that I realized I could have a future that isn't just confined to my little apartment studio (though that's good too) is what made me understand one of the major blockages preventing me from moving on with life, what is keeping me held back.  Now that I know what's what, I've already started taking steps toward healing.  I got a referral to a program, I'm going to be getting another referral to another program, and other than that I can look into support groups, good books, and practicing what skills I do have.

Unfortunately there's a very long waiting list but that is much better than nothing.  I admit it makes me sad and frustrated that I have to wait to get going with things but I have to remember there was nothing I could do about it if I didn't even know it was there.

I find it amazing how much we can miss about ourselves because we're right in the middle of it.  If only we could step outside ourselves once in while for analysis!

To be continued...


<3 M

Thank You For Not Smoking

Right now I'm having a cigarette (that's right) and waiting for my bread dough to rise.

Cigarettes are the devil.

I quit over six months ago, very "successfully", but where I think I went wrong was quitting with Brian, and then expecting him to be just as "successful" at it as I was.

All was well for a long time, I didn't cheat at all, and then as soon as Brian started cheating, thoughts of having a smoke possessed my mind.  My addict jumped at the chance to rationalize smoking: "I just wanna see if I can have just one" and "Why should he get to smoke and not me?" and that kind of nonsense. I got so mad at him for smoking - I felt tortured by it and felt that I couldn't be a successful non-smoker if he was going to be smoking.

While I do feel Brian's smoking makes it much harder for me to prevail, I also realize that I just wasn't prepared for it to happen - I was totally dedicated to being a non-smoker and just assumed that's the way it was gonna be... for both of us.  But if I hadn't expected him to do what I wanted him to, I would have been in a better position to recognize that I needed to super-enforce my skills.

But I slowly let myself slip.  I've been smoking on and off, here and there, quitting and restarting, and all of the usual ever since my mum went into the hospital.  That's all I needed as an excuse, and who would deny me that during such a hard time?  Clever fucking addict.

Things were definitely different this time, when I quit.  I felt so much more in control of whether or not I would smoke than I ever have before and I really thought this was gonna be the one that stuck.  And what makes it worse, too, is that I've started really embracing a healthier lifestyle, really giving a shit about what I put in my body, and I know that cigarettes are way way up there on the list of 'oh-my-god-no's.'

The only thing I can do is make another plan, this time including the fact that my boyfriend may be a smoker, while I am not.  I (not so secretly) really wish he would come with me on the journey and really succeed so that we can both be healthy together.  But of that I have no control.



<3 M

Happy Birthday

 Today's entry is brought to you by the number thirty.

Yesterday was my thirtieth birthday.  I was woken up by Brian and Drew singing 'happy birthday,' bringing me the breakfast in bed they made me.  I've never had anyone give me breakfast in bed before - I felt very special and very loved.

He even made the eggs inside slices of bell pepper from something we found on Pinterest (thanks, Sunny, for getting us (me) addicted to that site :-p ).

Of course it takes me some time to get out of dreamland and become coherent so they were disappointed when I requested we do presents after I was done drinking my tea... you'd think I committed a crime or something lol.

They got me a pretty smelling candle with chocolates and candies, and an adjustable stand thingy to make it easier for me to read in bed since even holding up a book can be too hard sometimes.

I luff them so much.

That night, Jodie and Mike came over and we all went to a party where I got birthday beats.  They got me presents too!  A massage bar that made Jodie squirmy cause it was for "erotic" purposes; a bath bomb intended to unleash my desires, which also made her squirmy; a cool book mark, and special incense.  I don't know if I ever mentioned it, but Jodie gets squirmy when it comes to anything of the erotic nature - it's quite funny and cute.

I got tons of birthday wishes too, on my facebook, which made me very happy cause I loves my attention.

I've always loved my own birthday and have always reminded people of its coming well in advance.  I count down, I talk about it, and when it comes, I get giddy like a child and eat up all the attention.   But this year felt a little different: for one thing, my health has been crappy lately so I wasn't announcing my birthday from the rooftops like usual.  I was planning on planning something special for this year's birthday because I think thirty is a significant milestone of life - especially for me for many reasons, but again, the health took priority.  And I didn't seem to have the same excitement that I usually have on my birthday.  In fact most of the day/night didn't feel like my birthday, I kept reminding myself it was.

I don't know if this is because I wasn't well leading up to it so didn't do my usual stuff or make plans or because I'm *gulp* just getting old, or both, or neither.  I hope it's not the 'old' thing, we shall see I guess.

Anyway, I've been living in survival mode for a long, long time.  My thirties are going to be when I 'start' my life, and I'm excited about that.  I have goals for myself, and goals with Brian, and I'm looking forward to all of it :-)

I spent another long period not writing in my blog, which I hate, but it happens.  I wish I could be as regular as Sunny is with blogging.  I don't really know why I can't - I have a bit of a consistency problem perhaps.

Brian and Drew should be back anytime now from the children's museum so I'm gonna go get dressed.

Lots and lots of love,

M

11:11:11

(IM conversation on 11.10.11)

marylin houle 10:49 AM 
tomorrow is 11.11.11

brian 10:49 AM
so it is

marylin houle 10:49 AM
that's pretty important

brian 10:49 AM
y

marylin houle 10:50 AM
it's an important spiritual number, hard to explain, you should google it

brian 10:53 AM
just seems like a lot of numerologytheory
a lot of doomsday stuff, weddings, a movie released about it
veterans/rememberance day

marylin houle 10:59 AM
well, it's more than that. years and years ago i noticed i was seeing different variations of the number 1 - like 11:11 or 1:1 and that kind of thing, but mostly 11.11. anyway, seems like coincidence, but it kept happening so much so that it was starting to get freaky. it was happening all the time, i was seeing it on everything. I would look at the clock precisely at 11:11 all the time or wake up and the clock would be at 11:11. It was freaking me out. Then a few years later (it was still happening, it just seemed to go in cycles) i found out online that there's a whole crap load of people out there who have the same exact thing happen to them. It was freaky. The gist of it apparently, was that it is supposed to be an "awakening" number meant to stimulate something inside of certain "energy workers" - sounds loopy, I know, but it's also eerily familiar and right as well
i still see it in cycles, usually when I am on the right track

brian 11:00 AM
i used to have the same experience a long time ago, but for me it was 12:33

marylin houle 11:00 AM
well, if you read about it, different people see different numbers, but the main one is 11.
i try to be skeptical about it but having experienced what i did, it's hard

brian 11:01 AM
numbers ARE fascinating

marylin houle 11:02 AM
well, they are so part of everything.

brian 11:02 AM
as a part of a global consciouness, humans see numbers and patterns and interpret them in their own ways.
but I think it's because we want to control the numbers, not because the numbers control us

marylin houle 11:03 AM
i don't think it's either
numbers can't control anything. and people want to control everything, but they can't lol

brian 11:04 AM
11:11:11 is a date that is based on calendar system created by humans. And that's not even a global thing, that is a western thing. other parts of the world use different systems

marylin houle 11:05 AM
what does that have to do with anything though. the number 11 is not just in a calendar

brian 11:05 AM
no but this instance of it is.

marylin houle 11:06 AM
yes, tomorrow

brian 11:06 AM
another thing to consider is that the repetition of 1s in eleven is also a human creation -- the base 10 number system

marylin houle 11:07 AM
that doesn't really make a difference though
in this matter

brian 11:07 AM
explain

marylin houle 11:08 AM
just because something is man made, does not mean it can't have spiritual meaning, whether attributed by man himself and/or coming from a spiritual realm as some kind of expression to man for whatever reason

brian 11:08 AM
ah i see what you mean
personally I think it is the first thing you said
but it could be either

marylin houle 11:11 AM
it could be either or both or none, in this case i'm not sure it matters because it is a positive thing for most and i don't believe in coincidence so i think it's a phenomenon joining these people together for a reason, whatever that reason may be, but their intentions are purely about healing and awakening

brian 11:11 AM
i tend to agree with that

marylin houle 11:11 AM
and i just looked at the clock at and it's 11:11
lol

brian 11:11 AM
so it is






<3 M

Don't Drink The Wormwood!

I set the timer for three 15 minute intervals in a row: do you have any idea how much you can get accomplished in 15 minutes?  It's ridiculous.  I kept having to check the timer to see if it was broken because it seems like it should have gone off already.  Nope.  I got a lot more done than I set out to do because of this little trick - but more importantly, I got off my ass and started.  Fifteen minutes.  Mind you for more physical jobs like cleaning the apartment I think ten minutes may be a better idea, depending on my pain levels that day, because I found myself needing to sit around the ten minute mark.  But I pushed on I did!

Then I made myself a Swanson's microwave dinner and Mel came over.

And like the magi she is, she brought me frankincense and myrrh. This is the same friend whose handfasting I was at last Saturday, the one who was married by Santa :-D

I made a pot of wormwood tea.  Have you ever had wormwood tea?  It tastes like you're chewing aspirin.  No exaggeration. In fact, it's possibly worse than that. I got the stuff from Brian, who told me it was not possible to finish a whole cup of the stuff because of how nasty it tastes.  I had to test this theory, plus I wanted to see what effects it would have since it is well known for its ability to bring altered states and enhance the third eye etc. and since we were going to do readings, that would have been fitting. So we did our best to tolerate the horrific taste (with O.J. chasers).  I managed to finish half a cup, Mel was a real trooper and managed to finish all of hers.

The effects were good but not THAT good. Not good enough to repeat. I'll take my wormwood in incense form, thank you.

It was a nice, witchy night.

There's a story about her earrings that I find interesting:

Mel's step-mother gave her a pair of earrings that were owned by her sister.

The sister's name was Dana "Poppy" Pastori.  Poppy was her slave name.  She was planning to leave her bf/Master but I guess he didn't want to release her because instead, he strangled her and chopped her up into pieces which he then mummified and shoved into a box.

Her body was in that box for three years and then came Hurricane Katrina.  That's when her body was discovered.  He had kept her with him, even BROUGHT HER WITH HIM when he and his new gf moved.

Now he's in prison.

And her sister (Mel's step-mother) gave Mel the earrings that Dana had been wearing in that box the whole three years.  She told Mel she wanted her sister's spirit to "live with her."

So now Mel has these earrings...

Before mentioning any of this, Mel asked me to tell her what I felt from them (psychically).  That was on Saturday right before she was handfasted.  I felt nervous excitement.  Then I felt like the oxygen was cut off from my head and my ears started ringing.  So Mel then told me a bit about where they came from.

I held them again tonight, this time I felt like I was being pushed down and had a cutting pain in my arm right above the elbow.  Then Mel filled me in on a lot more of the details about these earrings.

I asked why her step-mother would want her sister's spirit to live with her rather than to move on - kinda weird don't ya think? But as the step-mother wished, Dana's spirit seems to now be hanging around Mel.  At least that's what she tells me.  But at least she's trying to help the woman move on, and I find it pretty cool that she seems to mainly be doing so in her dreams (yay dreams!).

Now there's a good lesson for all you Dom(me)s and Masters/Mistresses out there: if your slave wants to be released, it means s/he wants to end things, it does not mean you should go mental and pull an "if I can't have you, no one will" or something equally as psycho.

P.S. I love you Master! mwa!


<3 M

Flustergasted

 I've asked Brian to call me in the morning because a.)It's a hell of a lot nicer to wake up to him saying he loves me than it is to wake up to an alarm clock that makes me want to hide under the covers and b.)I've found it gets me up on a positive note that I carry throughout the day.  Today was the first day with him doing that.  It worked alright. I'll admit I went back to sleep for twenty minutes and the alarm woke me up the second time, but he asked me to meet him on messenger and I knew if I didn't he'd be calling again so at least I had a reason to get my ass out of bed.  I was really nervous that I wouldn't last the day without wanting to crawl back into bed but so far so good.

And my friend Mel is coming over this evening now so I have a reason not to go back to bed as well as a reason to tidy up around here.  We'll be doing some readings and whatnot.

But before the tidying up, I decided to set my timer for 15 minutes and work on my space.  The good news is that the job is easier than I thought and I worked on it for more like a half and hour cause I was sort of enjoying it.  It will take me way less time than I anticipated, which is awesomeness.

The bad news is that I made some messes while working and now I feel like my place is a bit overwhelming to have to tidy up.  I overwhelm easily.  I think if I set my timer again to 15 minutes like I did with the other project, I'll have an easier time feeling like I can actually tackle the job.  Mhmm yep.

The weekend is approaching way too soon... I have socializing planned and I don't feel ready to crawl out from my cave  yet.  Ah well.  Off I go to tidy.


<3 M

When I Wake Up, In My Make Up

Today is pretty much a write-off.  Not gonna get any of the things done that I wanted to.  But that's okay.  At least that's what I'm telling myself.  The world is not going to esplode or anything because I wasn't able to make the daily quota.  Gonna go to bed early, hopefully wake up with some energy and make up for today's idleness.

Brian came to visit me this morning.  It's good to have a reason to get out of bed.  We kind of messed up the bed a lot though :-p  He brought me coffee and carrot cake and love.  He tries to give me love even though I'm really hard to love when I am down in the dumps as I am.  He is awesome.

Then I went to the doctor's.  And on my way there it occurred to me that three months ago I took it upon myself to lower my dosage of Celexa from 30mg to 20mg.

I've been trying to decipher exactly why my depression right now is as strong as it is because it feels much worse than the usual onset of S.A.D. and my life situation is not that bad.  So I don't know why it took me so long to put two and two together.  My brain is annoying funny sometimes.

So I'm kinda hoping this is the reason for the depression and that once I go back to taking my old dosage I will start to improve.  Crossing my fingers on that one. Gonna start tomorrow.

P.S. I need a new webcam, the one I have is pretty much useless and I want to have Skype dates with Brian.  Please to point me in the direction of a decent, inexpensive cam?


<3 M

It's Almost Time To NaNoWriMo

Happy Halloween!  Kinda. I'm tired tired tired and had to force myself to blog right now because all I feel like doing is chilling out with a movie. 

Halloween is my favourite time of year, but I'm not doing anything to celebrate, at least not tonight, anyway.  Yesterday we (Brian, Drew, and myself) did Jack-o-lanterns, which made me happy.  I want to post a picture of them but they're on Brian's phone and I don't want to bug him to upload right now cause he's kinda bummed out about his ginormous hard drive up and dying... understandable.  I'm sure I will do my own little celebration this week - I usually at least do a reading to sort of forecast the coming year.  That might be interesting to share with you.

Midnight marks the beginning of NaNoWriMo 2011.  This is my third year participating.  Keeping with tradition, I haven't prepared anything so it should be another interesting experience.  Because of how tired I am I probably won't start writing until the morning.  I've found getting as much writing done in the morning gives you more freedom to make up for any possible procrastination or life interruption later on in the day.  And if you manage to get your minimum word count in before lunch, anything else you happen to write after that is a bonus.



I plan to be a bit of a writing machine this month: I'd like to go well beyond the 50,000 word mark and at the same time, blog here at least a few times a week.  I know it will be easy to just say that I don't want to blog because I'm doing enough writing as it is or that I want to concentrate solely on the novel, but screw that, doing both is just fine.

If you're participating in NaNoWriMo this year, good luck! and feel free to add me as a writing buddy on the site


Happy Witch's New Year,


<3 M

I Have Good Noms.

Two posts in one day?  Yeah. I didn't talk about any of the stuff I meant to in my previous entry.  Free-flow writing is like that, you never know where it's going to take you, and apparently my psyche needed to bitch about other things.

Anyway, on Monday, Brian met me after work and we went to Zum Linzer on Main for the Kinky Restaurant Crawl (it's the Kinky Restaurant Crawl only because all the people who come are kinksters, we do not wear latex and dog collars at the restaurants).

I've heard a lot about this place because a friend of ours (Ravenshire Fetish) is one of the cooks there. It's German cuisine -  If you've ever heard of the Black Forest Inn, well this place is even better and the prices are extremely fair  for what you get.

So a few good friends made it out and it was a fun night, which I really really needed cause as I've been saying, I've been living under a rock for quite a while.

I ordered the Schnitzel Cordon Bleu, which is ham and cheese wrapped in a pork schnitzel, with home fries (that are cooked in bacon fat O_O) and veggies.  It also comes with soup or salad to start as well as a basket of rye bread.  The Schnitzel Cordon Bleu sounds disgusting to me, but it tasted like heaven and I will definitely be getting that again some day.  The portions were huge and the meal was only thirteen dollars.  I usually hate pea soup and am not a big soup person in general but for some reason I felt like soup so I got the pea soup instead of the salad as my starter and it was fricken delicious!  Plus I had a Stiegl with my meal and I think that's one of my new favourite beers.

The service was really friendly, patient, and overall good.  The dining room was quaint, laid back, cozy.  And my entire bill was only twenty-one dollars (before tip).  Before going, I expected to be paying no less than thirty dollars for my meal but I was pleasantly mistaken.

Everyone decided to go out for ice-cream for dessert up to the Marble Slab Creamery on Upper James, but I went home instead cause I'm really poor this month.  I've never been there but from the sounds of it, I really really want to go.  Ice-cream = Good.

And because I somehow always manage to surround myself with geeks (I love it), what came out of the night was a spin-off group where we take turns hosting movie night where we watch corny, cheesy, horrible sci-fi movies.  Our first movie will be Barbarella.  There'd better be a lot of boobs.

Tuesday was the Hamilton Writers meeting.  That was good.  Of course since the meetings are held at Chesters - Beers of the World, I had to order a Stiegl, just to make sure it was still as yummy as it was the night before :-p  And yes, it was.

The majority of us are gearing up for NaNoWriMo, which is now only four days away.  As has been my tradition for three years now, I wait till the week before to fully decide I will participate and then wait still until it is just days away to consider what I might write about.  My first year was exciting - I had no clue whatsoever about what I was going to write about - nothing.  I still managed to make it past 50, 000 words but it taught me that I need to have at least some idea or plan before beginning so that it wouldn't be so hard to come up with things to write.  Not to mention the fact that the more planning that goes into it, the better chance of the piece being publishable with some work.  Mine was/is publishable with A LOT of work.

My second year I actually had an idea and did a very minute amount of planning.  It made the process much easier and I was able to soar past 50,000 words before the thirty day dead line.  The writing was/is good but it is unfinished.  I decided after the contest ended to take a short break from writing since I'd been writing like a mad-woman for thirty days straight and it's always good to replenish your creative juices and whatnot.  The problem is, I never picked it back up.

This, my third year, I have an inkling of what I'm going to write about.  It was a last minute idea that I will divulge to you later.  If I'm smart, I will do some planning for it because this is something I would actually want to publish eventually.  Should be interesting.

Among the things I've learned from participating in NaNoWriMo is a particular block I seem to have.  I'd love to figure out how to get around it:  the problem is, the writing I like to do most is very much like the writing I do when I make a blog entry - it is free-flowing, personal, and very much my voice, my personality.  But when I sit down to write something (other than a blog or journal), I can't seem to write this way.  I think a big part of the block is the expectation that whatever it is I've decided to write has to be a certain way or follow certain literary rules or be like the rest of the similar works. So I either end up stuck or I end up writing in a style that does not work because it is so "fake".. the voice is... lacking whatever it is that makes prose sound "true." It's hard to explain.  Others may like the writing I've done like this, but if I don't like it, it's not satisfying. 

Anyway, any advice would be appreciated.

My good friend Mel is getting handfasted this Saturday and I'm her witness.  This will be my first handfasting so it should be interesting.  I was invited to one around this time last year but a [insert horrible curse words and insulting adjectives] taxi driver made me miss it.

Then I'm off to Brian's for Sunday and Monday where we will be carving pumpkins and other Halloweeny goodness.  I miss him (and Drew) and wish they didn't live so far away :-( poop.

Though I will admit absence really does make the heart (and other body parts) grow fonder.



<3 M

I Am S.A.D. N' Stuff

I don't want to sleep all day.  I have delayed sleep phase disorder and S.A.D. - a combination that sorta leaves me fighting a losing battle regarding actually have a choice in the matter as to when I do or do not sleep.

I have a sun lamp, which is supposed to (and does) help with both the sleep disorder and the S.A.D. because they both have much to do with the circadian rhythm.  Well I believe the lamp is helping me with my mood but not with my sleep cycle.  But that's my fault.  If you don't use the lamp around the time you want your body to wake up (say, mid morning) than you won't.  Because I've been sleeping all day and using the lamp at like two or three in the afternoon, I'm not getting any change.

So I need to somehow get my ass out of bed earlier.  It's so hard to do that when all you wanna do is sleep cause you're so tired and your natural instinct is to hibernate during the dark half of the year (I am the bear and the owl ya know) and you have no solid reason to actually get up anyway because you have no real obligations, plans, or responsibilities.

I'd argue that I have responsibility to myself but if that case held any weight I'd be a much healthier person right now.

I'm sure it will all work out, it always does in some way.

I think I really need to start making plans and following them - I know I would feel much less scattered, unorganized, and directionless.  I stopped caring years ago about having goals.  When I was younger, I had so many goals and dreams.  After a while of being depressed and emotionally fucked up, I stopped having goals other than "get better" and since I never got better (for a long time that is), my goals didn't change.

Since I've been improving tremendously and the longing to have real goals again has come back, I found myself lost, not knowing what the hell I even wanted. As if I had forgotten how to even have goals.  It saddened me to realize how far away I had gotten from myself to not even know what I wanted.

Luckily(? hehe), I have a boyfriend who needed help figuring out how to make and implement/achieve goals.  Exasperated (for some reason), I set out to teach him, frustrated because of how easy it was to do so (and why didn't he know how?).  Isn't the ego a funny thing?  Here I am, struggling with the exact same issue (way to be aware of yourself, right?) and acting like some kind of expert on the subject.
 
But I did it.  I taught him how to do it.  And it was effective.  And as I taught, I realized this was exactly what I needed to be doing for myself.  I can be a very wise person but I really suck at the actual doing and sticking to part of things.

So I did sit down and make some goals for myself, in all areas of life.  And I even created a neat little binder with dividers to categorize the goals and keep track of them etc.  I put a lot of work into making this little binder, my GOALS & PLANS binder, to make it all organized and pretty and stuff. 

And that's where I stopped.

I made this binder at least two months ago.  I have not even looked at it since.  I have not looked at any of the goals I made.  I'm not exactly sure why I do this sort of thing.  I know part of it is fear of failure.  Another part is how scattered I have felt for so long that I never know what I should be doing at any given moment since there is so much I need and want to do and no actual schedule or priority and anything.  Did I mention I am good at excuses too?  ;-)  Basically, I overwhelm easily and I am good at overwhelming myself on an almost daily basis.

So what should I do?  Open that damn binder! 


<3 M

Always The Wanna, Never The Be

Take one down, pass it around...

Another winter, another series of complaints cleverly disguised as blog entries by yours truly.  I do include other tidbits and can sometimes be insightful, so maybe it's not a complete waste of time.

Complaint of the day: so fucking drained of energy.  It's likely something I can fix if I really try, but the fact that I'm too tired to do so is the evil, viscous circle.

One thing I have learned though, no matter what may be ailing you, you will more often than not feel better if you have a glass of water.  I'm serious.  And this especially goes for lack of energy.  I think I need to go get myself some water now...

So it has been a little over one month since I quit smoking and for the last two days I have had inklings of regret.  I still don't want to smoke, in the bigger picture, but my god do I sometimes I want to smoke.  It's purely psychological and I'm pretty logical about it but what scares me is when I'm emotional: when I am extremely emotionally disregulated, most of my logic goes right out the door and my mind craves things it knows will give me immediate gratification... it wants me to soothe myself and tends to want to fall back on unhealthy, quick fixes... from over-eating, drinking, taking pills, being promiscuous, cutting, living in bed, etc. etc. and now one of those things is having a cigarette.

Cigarettes are an old friend.  We shared a sixteen year friendship, actually.  That's a long time to be addicted to something.  But as unhealthy a friend as they were, if I'm in enough distress, I have little to stop me from saying 'fuck it.'  And that scares me.  But at least I know no matter what happens, logic is never gone forever and will kick my ass if I give into the temptation.

It's funny, a cigarette does not do a thing for me chemically (I don't physically crave it anymore, that has passed) but psychologically it is an old comfort, it is a whole "this is who I am, this is part of my persona" thing, as weird as that sounds.  But I will be strong. 

I have quit five times before this and for some reason, this particular time feels extremely different than the other times.  I feel like I have a lot more control over it this time.  I dunno why. Maybe it's just that I have a lot more skills to use. 

I'm not enjoying the need to eat so much, it's never been a thing before, but I know that's temporary and it's much more worth gaining some weight that will likely come back off than smoking and all the health shit that comes along with it.  I mean, I was in the emergency room with asthma attacks... I think gaining few pounds is forgivable if it means staying out of the ER lol.

That's enough about smoking, I need something to eat :-p

Brian slept over on Friday night which was awesomeness.  One of my favourite things in the world is waking up with him there, waking up to him giving me a sweet kiss and holding me.  It's the perfect way to wake up and I really wish I could wake up that way everyday.  *Sigh* Desire is suffering... grumble grumble.

Anyhew, on Saturday he took me to Thai Memory for dinner.  It's a really nice place next to the Sky Dragon Center on King William.  The food is the best Thai I've ever had, the prices are good, and it's so serene - there's a big pond/fountain thing that I particularly love.  They're pretty cool there: if you pay with cash they take 5% off your bill and if you bring your own tupperware to bring home your leftovers, they take off another 5%.  Awesomeness.  I had a red curry chicken dish with coconut rice (mmmmm) and Brian had the Pad Thai (he has had many many Pad Thais in his time and he claims this was the best one yet).  We were unfortunately too full for dessert, which would have been ginger ice cream.

After that we walked over to the Citadel on Rebecca to go see a play that our friend was in: it was called "Suburban Motel" by George F. Walker (directed by Tyler Brent).  It consisted of two small plays: Risk Everything and Criminal Genius.

"Risk Everything" was definitely THE better play (not that the other one wasn't good), the acting was amazing and I'm looking forward to seeing more, and yes, Tara Smith (Hot-T from the Petit Fours) did steal the show ;-)

After that awesomeness we went over to Gallaghers for a friend's birthday gathering.  It is VERY hard to socialize when the music is so loud you can't hear the person next to you screaming in your ear.  It's a shame because I really like the atmosphere there.  Oh well.

Today is Sunday blah-ness time.  Had a two hour nap today, couldn't help it.

Tomorrow is the restaurant crawl and Tuesday is Hamilton Writers, so I'm sure I'll have more to write about.  Project Un-Isolate Marylin is well underway, but not easy :-s

P.S. I love you.








<3 M

How Bizarre

Saturday Brian and I went to what is known as the 'Bizarre Bizarre.'  This is where a bunch of kink/fetish vendors get together and sell their wares.  We went to the last one and it was pretty cool and since friends of ours were going to be vending, we thought we should go to this one as well.

Brian won TWO prizes! It's like he has a horseshoe up his ass lately...

One of his prizes was a wooden paddle and the other was so extremely UN-usable for us (it was a sounding kit LOL) so he gave it to someone who would actually enjoy it.

Plus he picked up quite a few other toys... yay!

I wasn't planning on buying anything but I somehow ended up trying on a corset.  I was about to buy it when my friend came over and saved me from making a bad purchase.  This led the corset-lady to retrieve the one corset she had in her car for me to try, which turned out to fit/look fabulous on me.

It's a really good quality corset, steel boning, and apparently looks like it was made for me.  And I got it for half price!  Woot!  Can't wait to wear it!  Here's a picture:

 

And they threw in a little hat for free because they thought it looked cute on me lol.  So that was pretty awesome.

It felt nice to get a lot of attention like that at least for just a bit.  Nice distraction.  

Unfortunately, the S.A.D. has hit pretty hard this year, and I'm fighting my ass off to not slip into a bad depression.  It's fucking hard though.  There's not enough transition time between summer and cold weather, at least it seems that way.  It seems to come out of nowhere: last weekend was hot, this weekend was freezing.

Blah.

I just feel like hell.  I feel like I'm having a mid-life crisis, without the midlife part.  I don't know what to do with myself. I want to go in so many directions and it's overwhelming cause I have no idea where to start or what my priorities are.

And I can't stop eating!

I quit smoking a month ago and I just want to eat and eat and eat.  Being depressed does not help the matter.

Oh well, at least I don't smoke.

<3 M

Random

I'm at Brian's place right now: he's gone to take D to her mum's for the weekend and then doing all kinds of other stuff.  I'm staying home and making him a speshul dinner :-)

Our three-month-aversary was on Wednesday... it feels like a hell of a lot longer than that, but in the good way.  I'm still 'getting used to' this whole being in a relationship thing - it's a completely new experience for me.  I've been in, what you could call, relationships before, but none of them were actual relationships.  Needless to say, I'm a very happy girl, life is grand.

Well, mostly.  I seem to be having a hell of a time with the pain thing.  There's my usual pain, and then there's the pain I've been having for the past few months or so.  It seems to be easing up somewhat, but let's just say this masochist is in need of a safeword O_O

Most other areas of my life are improving: I'm seeing a lot of the fruit of my past labours and can see it wasn't all for naught.

Like I said, I'm still getting used to being in a relationship.  He lives all the way across the city and is a full time dad, so working out my scheduling and transportation has been an issue.  I need to figure out how to fit everything in, fit in seeing my friends, my family, that sort of thing.  I wish I drove sometimes.

 I am, what they would call, a Borderline in recovery.  What that means is, I still have all the same emotional disregulations and hyper-sensitivities, and whatnot, but I have the skills with which to cope.  This is quite the miracle, for anyone with BPD knows the hell your life becomes with this disorder.  If I keep up on the skills, I should be okay.

I am also, it would seem, a rapidly recovering body-hater.  I have been struggling with body image issues for years, even when I believed logically that there is no reason to feel down about my body, the filters of society and everything I've always been told to believe/think have won out.  The influence is too strong.  Most everything we're told and shown regarding our body size, shape, etc. is bullshit, but how are we to know the difference if that's all (or the majority) of what we've experienced through media and society?

I did a few things, sort of theraputic-type exercises in hopes of changing my stubborn beliefs about my body.  Some of these seemed to have an effect.  Then I attended an eating disorders group where I was taught the science behind weight gain/loss, etc.  It was a life-changing experience.  Why was this information not out there in our society?  It was so eye-opening, I'd never heard these things before.  I felt lied to, and regretful that I had not known these things before it was too late.

Among all the things I learned, one of them was acceptance.  After knowing what I now knew, I had no choice but to accept things as they were, accept myself the way I was, right now.

It sounds depressing for someone who hates their body and has spend most of her life trying to, or stressing out about, losing weight.  Waiting for life until I was the right weight.  Putting things off until I was 'done my diet.'   Not wearing what I really wanted to wear because 'when I lose weight, it will be too big and I don't want to waste money.'  And when the struggle to achieve the impossible inevitably failed, again and again (no wonder we end up hating ourselves) the cycle just continues, getting worse and worse.

 Well, it was depressing.  Incredibly.  But then some things started happening.  I would go shopping and look at all the clothing I wanted to wear, knowing I could buy it now and not have to wait for a later date that would never come.  This was fun, relieving, and very empowering.  If I accepted myself at the size I was at right now, I could stop waiting to live.  Finally.  Sounds dramatic, I know, but it kinda is.

After a while, I noticed I was not getting down about my body nearly as much as before.  This was happening less and less.  I noticed that I had stopped obsessing.  This was a huge deal, like a ton of weight lifted off my shoulders. 

Many other things happened.  I began to notice an increase in confidence.  So did others.  And it's so true what they say - once you start to believe you are beautiful, so will others.

I still have some major issues, but like I said, it's a work in progress like everything else. I'm just very proud to be able to add that on to my list of ginormous life accomplishments.  Most of the things I've been working on endlessly for the past decade and seemingly getting nowhere with have been shifting in big ways in the past year or two.

One of my biggest issues in therapy, oddly enough, was problem solving my inability to follow any sort of routine or schedule.  To do anything productive on a consistent basis.  Much of this had to do with the fact that I've been out of school and work for so long and haven't had to be very responsible and the fact that I have very black/white - all/nothing thinking. 

It seemed like I would never be able to do it, I would never be able to control my life!  I am very easily overwhelmed.  But in the past, I'd say, six months or so, I have been slowly, by trial and error, getting somewhere with this problem.  It is very slow progress, but it is a very big thing to tackle and I am doing it!

Of course there are other areas in which I'm making headway... I just don't give up.  So like I said, life is grand. 

I still have plenty of problems to deal with, but they are a hell of a lot easier to face when many of the other ones are under control.

I better go start dinner n' stuff now... this chair is killing my back :-/



Love M

The Oscar Goes To...

Today is lazy day here: I planned to do a butt-load of laundry amongst other things but it seems I have done only the minimum amount of required work and have spent most of the day doing stuff online

Last week I woke up in the middle of a revolution in Egypt.  It reminded me a lot of how I felt when I slept in on 9/11/01: I woke up all groggy to people panicking and just assumed it was some kind of joke or that my friend was over-reacting to something.  I felt outta the loop.

In this case, because I have woken up a lot since then, the more I heard/read/watched, the more enraged I became at the stupidity of government. It never surprises me, never fails to.. well, fail.  But I am extremely happy for and proud of the people of Egypt and hope they serve as an example that change IS possible, no matter how impossible it may seem.

Sigh.  Anyway...

I had an awesome weekend with Brian and Drew: we played games, had yummy snacks, watched lots of Simpsons, and cleaned some messy bedrooms.  Lots of fun, still a little sore from piggy-back rides but I'll survive ;-) 

This is Drew's impression of the ridiculous viral video 'Sittin' On Da Toilet'  - She is too cute.

 

In other news, I've been pondering what might go on in people's heads when they choose to make things controversial, ultimately making their own lives difficult.  When you treat a person like garbage and THEY end up extending their forgiveness to YOU, you would think the person would at least take that opportunity to leave the past in the past.  Apparently this is not logical for some people.  I guess this person wants to feel awkward and uncomfortable... seems a shame really, but not my problem anymore.  If you're going to be hanging out where I am hanging out and interacting with my friends you are not going to be able to avoid me, sorry.

Such is life.

And life is absolutely grand! :-)


Love M