March 29, 2012

Thank You For Not Smoking

Right now I'm having a cigarette (that's right) and waiting for my bread dough to rise.

Cigarettes are the devil.

I quit over six months ago, very "successfully", but where I think I went wrong was quitting with Brian, and then expecting him to be just as "successful" at it as I was.

All was well for a long time, I didn't cheat at all, and then as soon as Brian started cheating, thoughts of having a smoke possessed my mind.  My addict jumped at the chance to rationalize smoking: "I just wanna see if I can have just one" and "Why should he get to smoke and not me?" and that kind of nonsense. I got so mad at him for smoking - I felt tortured by it and felt that I couldn't be a successful non-smoker if he was going to be smoking.

While I do feel Brian's smoking makes it much harder for me to prevail, I also realize that I just wasn't prepared for it to happen - I was totally dedicated to being a non-smoker and just assumed that's the way it was gonna be... for both of us.  But if I hadn't expected him to do what I wanted him to, I would have been in a better position to recognize that I needed to super-enforce my skills.

But I slowly let myself slip.  I've been smoking on and off, here and there, quitting and restarting, and all of the usual ever since my mum went into the hospital.  That's all I needed as an excuse, and who would deny me that during such a hard time?  Clever fucking addict.

Things were definitely different this time, when I quit.  I felt so much more in control of whether or not I would smoke than I ever have before and I really thought this was gonna be the one that stuck.  And what makes it worse, too, is that I've started really embracing a healthier lifestyle, really giving a shit about what I put in my body, and I know that cigarettes are way way up there on the list of 'oh-my-god-no's.'

The only thing I can do is make another plan, this time including the fact that my boyfriend may be a smoker, while I am not.  I (not so secretly) really wish he would come with me on the journey and really succeed so that we can both be healthy together.  But of that I have no control.

<3 M

Search & Win

No comments:

Post a Comment

Thanks for reading <3