March 18, 2011


I'm at Brian's place right now: he's gone to take D to her mum's for the weekend and then doing all kinds of other stuff.  I'm staying home and making him a speshul dinner :-)

Our three-month-aversary was on Wednesday... it feels like a hell of a lot longer than that, but in the good way.  I'm still 'getting used to' this whole being in a relationship thing - it's a completely new experience for me.  I've been in, what you could call, relationships before, but none of them were actual relationships.  Needless to say, I'm a very happy girl, life is grand.

Well, mostly.  I seem to be having a hell of a time with the pain thing.  There's my usual pain, and then there's the pain I've been having for the past few months or so.  It seems to be easing up somewhat, but let's just say this masochist is in need of a safeword O_O

Most other areas of my life are improving: I'm seeing a lot of the fruit of my past labours and can see it wasn't all for naught.

Like I said, I'm still getting used to being in a relationship.  He lives all the way across the city and is a full time dad, so working out my scheduling and transportation has been an issue.  I need to figure out how to fit everything in, fit in seeing my friends, my family, that sort of thing.  I wish I drove sometimes.

 I am, what they would call, a Borderline in recovery.  What that means is, I still have all the same emotional disregulations and hyper-sensitivities, and whatnot, but I have the skills with which to cope.  This is quite the miracle, for anyone with BPD knows the hell your life becomes with this disorder.  If I keep up on the skills, I should be okay.

I am also, it would seem, a rapidly recovering body-hater.  I have been struggling with body image issues for years, even when I believed logically that there is no reason to feel down about my body, the filters of society and everything I've always been told to believe/think have won out.  The influence is too strong.  Most everything we're told and shown regarding our body size, shape, etc. is bullshit, but how are we to know the difference if that's all (or the majority) of what we've experienced through media and society?

I did a few things, sort of theraputic-type exercises in hopes of changing my stubborn beliefs about my body.  Some of these seemed to have an effect.  Then I attended an eating disorders group where I was taught the science behind weight gain/loss, etc.  It was a life-changing experience.  Why was this information not out there in our society?  It was so eye-opening, I'd never heard these things before.  I felt lied to, and regretful that I had not known these things before it was too late.

Among all the things I learned, one of them was acceptance.  After knowing what I now knew, I had no choice but to accept things as they were, accept myself the way I was, right now.

It sounds depressing for someone who hates their body and has spend most of her life trying to, or stressing out about, losing weight.  Waiting for life until I was the right weight.  Putting things off until I was 'done my diet.'   Not wearing what I really wanted to wear because 'when I lose weight, it will be too big and I don't want to waste money.'  And when the struggle to achieve the impossible inevitably failed, again and again (no wonder we end up hating ourselves) the cycle just continues, getting worse and worse.

 Well, it was depressing.  Incredibly.  But then some things started happening.  I would go shopping and look at all the clothing I wanted to wear, knowing I could buy it now and not have to wait for a later date that would never come.  This was fun, relieving, and very empowering.  If I accepted myself at the size I was at right now, I could stop waiting to live.  Finally.  Sounds dramatic, I know, but it kinda is.

After a while, I noticed I was not getting down about my body nearly as much as before.  This was happening less and less.  I noticed that I had stopped obsessing.  This was a huge deal, like a ton of weight lifted off my shoulders. 

Many other things happened.  I began to notice an increase in confidence.  So did others.  And it's so true what they say - once you start to believe you are beautiful, so will others.

I still have some major issues, but like I said, it's a work in progress like everything else. I'm just very proud to be able to add that on to my list of ginormous life accomplishments.  Most of the things I've been working on endlessly for the past decade and seemingly getting nowhere with have been shifting in big ways in the past year or two.

One of my biggest issues in therapy, oddly enough, was problem solving my inability to follow any sort of routine or schedule.  To do anything productive on a consistent basis.  Much of this had to do with the fact that I've been out of school and work for so long and haven't had to be very responsible and the fact that I have very black/white - all/nothing thinking. 

It seemed like I would never be able to do it, I would never be able to control my life!  I am very easily overwhelmed.  But in the past, I'd say, six months or so, I have been slowly, by trial and error, getting somewhere with this problem.  It is very slow progress, but it is a very big thing to tackle and I am doing it!

Of course there are other areas in which I'm making headway... I just don't give up.  So like I said, life is grand. 

I still have plenty of problems to deal with, but they are a hell of a lot easier to face when many of the other ones are under control.

I better go start dinner n' stuff now... this chair is killing my back :-/

Love M

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