October 23, 2011

Always The Wanna, Never The Be

Take one down, pass it around...

Another winter, another series of complaints cleverly disguised as blog entries by yours truly.  I do include other tidbits and can sometimes be insightful, so maybe it's not a complete waste of time.

Complaint of the day: so fucking drained of energy.  It's likely something I can fix if I really try, but the fact that I'm too tired to do so is the evil, viscous circle.

One thing I have learned though, no matter what may be ailing you, you will more often than not feel better if you have a glass of water.  I'm serious.  And this especially goes for lack of energy.  I think I need to go get myself some water now...

So it has been a little over one month since I quit smoking and for the last two days I have had inklings of regret.  I still don't want to smoke, in the bigger picture, but my god do I sometimes I want to smoke.  It's purely psychological and I'm pretty logical about it but what scares me is when I'm emotional: when I am extremely emotionally disregulated, most of my logic goes right out the door and my mind craves things it knows will give me immediate gratification... it wants me to soothe myself and tends to want to fall back on unhealthy, quick fixes... from over-eating, drinking, taking pills, being promiscuous, cutting, living in bed, etc. etc. and now one of those things is having a cigarette.

Cigarettes are an old friend.  We shared a sixteen year friendship, actually.  That's a long time to be addicted to something.  But as unhealthy a friend as they were, if I'm in enough distress, I have little to stop me from saying 'fuck it.'  And that scares me.  But at least I know no matter what happens, logic is never gone forever and will kick my ass if I give into the temptation.

It's funny, a cigarette does not do a thing for me chemically (I don't physically crave it anymore, that has passed) but psychologically it is an old comfort, it is a whole "this is who I am, this is part of my persona" thing, as weird as that sounds.  But I will be strong. 

I have quit five times before this and for some reason, this particular time feels extremely different than the other times.  I feel like I have a lot more control over it this time.  I dunno why. Maybe it's just that I have a lot more skills to use. 

I'm not enjoying the need to eat so much, it's never been a thing before, but I know that's temporary and it's much more worth gaining some weight that will likely come back off than smoking and all the health shit that comes along with it.  I mean, I was in the emergency room with asthma attacks... I think gaining few pounds is forgivable if it means staying out of the ER lol.

That's enough about smoking, I need something to eat :-p

Brian slept over on Friday night which was awesomeness.  One of my favourite things in the world is waking up with him there, waking up to him giving me a sweet kiss and holding me.  It's the perfect way to wake up and I really wish I could wake up that way everyday.  *Sigh* Desire is suffering... grumble grumble.

Anyhew, on Saturday he took me to Thai Memory for dinner.  It's a really nice place next to the Sky Dragon Center on King William.  The food is the best Thai I've ever had, the prices are good, and it's so serene - there's a big pond/fountain thing that I particularly love.  They're pretty cool there: if you pay with cash they take 5% off your bill and if you bring your own tupperware to bring home your leftovers, they take off another 5%.  Awesomeness.  I had a red curry chicken dish with coconut rice (mmmmm) and Brian had the Pad Thai (he has had many many Pad Thais in his time and he claims this was the best one yet).  We were unfortunately too full for dessert, which would have been ginger ice cream.

After that we walked over to the Citadel on Rebecca to go see a play that our friend was in: it was called "Suburban Motel" by George F. Walker (directed by Tyler Brent).  It consisted of two small plays: Risk Everything and Criminal Genius.

"Risk Everything" was definitely THE better play (not that the other one wasn't good), the acting was amazing and I'm looking forward to seeing more, and yes, Tara Smith (Hot-T from the Petit Fours) did steal the show ;-)

After that awesomeness we went over to Gallaghers for a friend's birthday gathering.  It is VERY hard to socialize when the music is so loud you can't hear the person next to you screaming in your ear.  It's a shame because I really like the atmosphere there.  Oh well.

Today is Sunday blah-ness time.  Had a two hour nap today, couldn't help it.

Tomorrow is the restaurant crawl and Tuesday is Hamilton Writers, so I'm sure I'll have more to write about.  Project Un-Isolate Marylin is well underway, but not easy :-s

P.S. I love you.

<3 M

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