Between Safe And Dangerous Waters

I fell asleep earlier today watching a four hour-long documentary about Mark Twain... nothing against the man, I just haven't been able to stay awake for long intervals these past few days. So far I'm impressed. He was born Samuel Clemens. He gave himself the name Mark Twain, which is the signal for being in between dangerous and safe waters. Very cool. I'll have to get back to that when I have the energy.



I'm the kinda gal who has a lot of time on her hands to think, so I know I do too much of that, but I say it's better than not thinking enough. When the television turns on, that's when people should start worrying: that is when I've thought myself into my own little hell and the only thing dumb enough to distract me is the T.V.

I hate the T.V. and I'm like some drooling, catatonic, shell of a person who can't muster up enough will to do anything but sleep. I put the T.V. on and let the noises fill my empty apartment, so that something else seems to live here, something I can pay attention to to forget myself.

Let me ask you this: have you ever really sat down with your thoughts and wondered what it is that you REALLY get out of bed for everyday? I mean, seriously, it might be your children, your significant other, your family, your friends, your career, or maybe you don't even have a reason, you just do it mindlessly because that's the way it is.

Well I'm too awake these days to do most things mindlessly, so I do not have an answer that comes to mind for this question. I have partial reasons, reasons I LIKE to live but that can easily be discounted in my mind as not REAL enough reasons to want to wake up everyday.

I want to write. I can't write if I'm dead. I have a hard-on for nature, though I rarely get to see any. I want to be with some people whom I love very much, but nothing lasts forever so I won't get to be with them always anyway. I wouldn't mind more mind-blowing orgasms either, but sex is unreliable too.

I'm just saying, these are all great reasons to get out of bed everyday, but not one of them seems relevant enough to be THE reason. What is my reason? What the fuck am I doing awake? I'm not saying I don't want to be alive, I'm just having a hard time not knowing why I remain so.

-Love Marylin.