I need to do the dishes. I need to do the laundry. I need to go to the market. I need to get a haircut. I need to do my taxes. I need to trim George's nails. I need to buy paint. I need to mail the book I sold almost a month ago. I need to shave. I need to make some phone calls. I need to get my prescriptions. I need to arrange for a new place to have my writer's meetings. I need to find out what's going on with my domain. I need to do my passport application. I need to buy some new clothes. I need to work on my book and my art. I need to meditate. I need to breathe. I need to do this.
I need to insure that the scars on my arms remain scars and I need to insure that everything I do from now on is going to be loud enough.
I need to be loud or I need to go away... rest. I don't want to become one of those people whose presence everyone dreads because maybe I'm not feeling so chipper. But what am I supposed to do? Everyone tells me what I need to do, what they think I should do, and they all say the same thing... but I can't do what they ask of me and I don't know if they really understand why.
But I am one of the most naive people I know so what if I am suffering for a cause I created in my own weird mind?
I don't know, but I can't do what you ask of me, not right now. Not while the cause still feels right. Because it wouldn't help anyway, it would take me to an even worse place.
Maybe I should just give in and get some pills. I hear you can just take them when you need them, which is much better than doing it regularly. I don't want to be on too many pills - I don't want to become a zombie who takes meds to medicate the ills of my other meds. I'll do some research online about them after I'm done posting.
Anyway, I simply refuse to let this take control of me again. I'm still fighting to improve my life from the mess it left before. I called my hairdresser this morning to make an appointment for next week and had a god damn anxiety attack over it. Fuck that! I'll do almost anything it takes to insure that that shit goes away... just tell me what I have to do please.
Seriously. Tell me.