March 20, 2009

Oh Look, She's Being Melodramatic Again.

I need to do the dishes. I need to do the laundry. I need to go to the market. I need to get a haircut. I need to do my taxes. I need to trim George's nails. I need to buy paint. I need to mail the book I sold almost a month ago. I need to shave. I need to make some phone calls. I need to get my prescriptions. I need to arrange for a new place to have my writer's meetings. I need to find out what's going on with my domain. I need to do my passport application. I need to buy some new clothes. I need to work on my book and my art. I need to meditate. I need to breathe. I need to do this.

I need to insure that the scars on my arms remain scars and I need to insure that everything I do from now on is going to be loud enough.

I need to be loud or I need to go away... rest. I don't want to become one of those people whose presence everyone dreads because maybe I'm not feeling so chipper. But what am I supposed to do? Everyone tells me what I need to do, what they think I should do, and they all say the same thing... but I can't do what they ask of me and I don't know if they really understand why.

But I am one of the most naive people I know so what if I am suffering for a cause I created in my own weird mind?

I don't know, but I can't do what you ask of me, not right now. Not while the cause still feels right. Because it wouldn't help anyway, it would take me to an even worse place.

Maybe I should just give in and get some pills. I hear you can just take them when you need them, which is much better than doing it regularly. I don't want to be on too many pills - I don't want to become a zombie who takes meds to medicate the ills of my other meds. I'll do some research online about them after I'm done posting.

Anyway, I simply refuse to let this take control of me again. I'm still fighting to improve my life from the mess it left before. I called my hairdresser this morning to make an appointment for next week and had a god damn anxiety attack over it. Fuck that! I'll do almost anything it takes to insure that that shit goes away... just tell me what I have to do please.

Seriously. Tell me.

-Love Marylin.


  1. Don'tcha EVER HARM YASELF! That's the only DEMAND I'm making! I love ya too much for ya to hurt yaself.Good, bad, ugly,indifferent, I don't care I'll take ya anyway ya come hun. Just know I care and wantcha around forever.

    We all have anxiety in one way or another. We just have to do what's best for us.No one can tell ya how to deal with whatcha going through because they're not having the attack hun.

    I know I have anxiety over meeting new people. I won't do much talking until I can feel them out.I hate to meet new people it's a fear of what if they know about my abuse? Will they walk away or will they stand beside me?

    Just know I love ya and wat ya happy hun. Stay Strong because to me that's whatcha are! A Strong Beautiful Lady! MY M!
    Love & Hugs~

  2. Don't worry Poe. I didn't mean for anyone to think that I'd hurt myself... I'm just... melodramatic! lol Seriously, don't worry. Thanks for your love (((hugs)))

  3. I'm so sorry dude, I know this sucks. This may sound crazy but have you tried confronting your anxiety and depression like they were actual beings? (I actually do this *blush* because I really do believe this is spiritual stuff a lot of times.) Just say "I don't know why you're here, but you aren't welcome to stay because I'm a calm rational person who has control over what I let in my mind and my life." Speaking what I want out loud helps me as well. Call it affirmations, prayer, spells or incantations, who cares! We can speak what we want into existence to a large degree. I think hearing it out loud helps me to reprogram my mind. It starts becoming easier and more natural to play out the possitive instead of the negative. Hope you're feeling better soon love ♥ xo


Thanks for reading <3