July 12, 2010

How I See Myself

I abhor the way I look in photos.  I don't mind photos of myself where I see some semblance of how I appear to myself in the mirror... it's when I have no control of the photo... when someone takes my photo and I see it.... it freaks me out in a severely unhealthy way.  Yes, I know this is delusional... the person I see in the mirror is a perception of myself - the photos I like of myself are similar to what I see in the mirror... the photos I hate are probably the ones that actually look like me.  Yet, when I see these photos, I am quite literally horrified and sickened.  I can't even see beauty in them, I see something disgusting, a blog that takes up entirely too much space.  It's kind of like seeing a horribly disfigured monster... no semblance of me in there, at least not the me I know.

Yet, people (so they claim) find me attractive, beautiful even.  I don't get it.  This is not a pity party, this is me trying to dissect this whole thing and figure out why I have such as drastically different vision of myself on both ends of the spectrum.  What I see in the mirror seems to be a more positive projection of who I am, while photos of me seem to be a more negative projection - I have reason to beleive that how I'm seeing myself in these photos is an extreme magnification of what I perceive are my flaws.  I'm not saying that the photos don't look true to life, I'm just saying that judging by the intensity of my reaction to seeing them, it would make sense that my brain is playing some tricks on me.

Honestly, I don't think I ever see myself the way others see me in the flesh, and I don't think I ever have.  Back when I was thin, I thought I looked/was fat; now that I'm fat, I have no idea how I look because how I see myself in the mirror changes all the time... even as often as hourly.

I just don't get it.  Seeing a photo of myself shouldn't bring me to tears - that's some serious issues. 

So what is the answer? Is there even a answer?  How the hell can it be so confusing?  I pretty much look the same all the time (like most people) so why can't I just SEE myself in the same way?  So fucking depressing.

<3 M


  1. I know what you mean! I do not like to have photos of myself taken either. I don't like the way I look in a photo...but I do when I look in the mirror.

  2. I am like this too Marylin. But as I get older it is less and less like this for me, but it has NOT come easy. I have had to do lots of mental work on my self image.


Thanks for reading <3