September 24, 2009

I Swallow You

Opening up is such a risk. There's the possibility of feeling (appearing) stupid. There's the possibility of rejection. Of wrecking something already good. Of misinterpretation.

If you let me, I open up so wide I end up swallowing you. You may like it at first, for a while, until you realize you've wandered into some vast place too real and too raw to exist in without completely turning yourself over to it. Too intense. Too much love. Too much love?

Weird. I never in my life second-guessed that loving someone has its limits. Where was I when this information was divulged?

To be honest, I still don't believe that's the way things should be. If I think and feel like a twelve year old girl I will get cut over and over again because everyone else has "grown up" and I have not. I still think love can be earth shattering. I still think love can conquer all. I still think there's no such thing as loving someone too much.

Yes, it may scare most people, to be approached so abruptly by something that is socially unacceptable (an open heart). It is the norm to be as closed off as possible and only open up ever so slightly when you're SURE it's safe.

People pledge their hearts to each other in "holy matrimony" with hearts open to each other three-quarters of the way at most. That's so sad to me.

But it's exhausting. Exposing yourself is exhausting. And I still have no fucking clue what I'm doing. I just know that I will always give more than I receive because I am socially unacceptable.

I love you.

Love M

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