Why do I do the thing that I do that I know I shouldn't? Good question.
It's because there are so many gray areas involved that its easy to forget the reasons why I do that thing I do. Focusing on the emotional desire is the easy way, but the way that leads me to misery. Doing the courageous thing is what's hard, it takes conscious thought and conscious effort and PRACTICE... but I seem to keep needing nagging reminders of what it is that I am telling myself what I deserve and why for the love of god I deserve more.
Gray areas are like the little pictures (as opposed to the big picture) and it's easy to get caught up in them because they are just as real/true as the big picture is. You can figure out the big picture, then constantly second guess yourself about it because you are reminded of some little pictures that give evidence to perhaps a different picture altogether.
This doesn't mean the little pictures, or gray areas, should be discounted - I believe they are probably what counts more, they are pieces of the puzzle: you don't know what the puzzle is going to look like but you keep adding pieces - sometimes you can't find the right fit and you get frustrated, and the other times the pieces fit and you feel good. I guess part of it is just how many bad experiences there were compared to how many good experiences.
I cherish the wonderful gray areas I've had and am working hard to make sure there are many more good experiences ahead of me in this particular puzzle... but I will not try to force pieces that don't fit just because it might be easier... if there is resistance, try somewhere else; if I can't for the life of me fit the pieces than maybe I should stop doing the puzzle.
So I continue to work on not doing that thing that I do that I shouldn't do with the knowledge that I deserve love, the kind that is honest and does not hide and does not hurt.
I cannot control others, but I can control myself.