I'm having such a bad night. Not only has the PMS from hell taken over me for pretty much the past week, but now I'm fucking depressed too: it's my fault I'm sure...
I just have that horrible sadness inside me right now that likes to come out when I'm not paying close attention... that symptom of fear... that part of me that feels like it's losing something (someone) dear.
I'm just so afraid of having to lose the same person twice and that everything I've been suffering for has been in vain. I'm afraid I'm a fool and am coming closer and closer to finding out that is the truth after all.
Relationships seem so... flimsy. No, they're not flimsy, but the things that hold them together - it seems like, no IT IS like, there are no guarantees and that scares the shit out of me. Let me say that again: it scares the fucking shit out of me that you can care so much for one person and still lose them.
I've learned that promises made and broken are not lies, but are life... things change, situations change, people change. It does not mean that the promise wasn't sincere at the time. That was a hard one for me to learn, I'm so naive.
But what I don't want to learn, is that a friendship built on so much connection, good intention, love, caring, etc can be dismissed, can end, can die without a fucking force of nature standing in between.
I don't want to learn that. I want to be proven that friends really can be forever.
Like I said, I'm terrified. Not only that, but I'm unable to seek reassurance, which only makes it harder. I just want to stop having to be afraid. I hope I stop being afraid.