"Come on be on fire
Come on be a liar
My dress is the prettiest
Cover me in burns
Everyone take your turn
I'm already humiliated"
Courtney Love - Almost Golden
St. Patrick's Day proved to quite a kick in my ass as to how lonely it can be to be solo. It was quite annoying, actually, watching all these drunken men hitting on just about any woman that was breathing: except, of course, for me.
No, I'm not even being paranoid - it's a common theme in my life. I'll give you an example: I went to an opera with my friend and we were both invited back to the "meet & greet" afterwards where all the cast and everyone says their congratulations over a nice glass of wine. I was dressed pretty nice, even decked out my pearl necklace, very elegant. My friend was wearing ripped jeans and a t-shirt.
Anyway, eventually the conductor, Daniel Lipton, came over to where we (along with the Tenor) were sitting. Everyone was introduced, and when he shook my hand he didn't even bother looking in my direction. In fact the whole time he was talking to the three of us, he didn't glance in my direction once. He was very friendly to everyone else, and pretty much ignored me, even though I praised his damn play.
Later, when I was alone with my friend, I mentioned this, and she said she noticed it as well. Confirmation that I wasn't going crazy. Confirmation that I'm not just paranoid.
Now I'm not ugly. Yes, I am over-weight, but I'm not at all repulsive to look at. And as far as I know, I'm pleasant enough to spend time with.
So what is it about me that makes me so unnoticeable. Is it because I have such a complex about it that I'm subconsciously making it a reality? I really hope not, because the more it happens, the more it bothers me.
Suffice it to say that I' m still alone - a single woman in a cruel world. And answer me, how in the world am I supposed to love myself when the rest of the world so obviously doesn't even give me notice?
Seriously, I want to know.