January 2, 2010

It's All Over, Baby Blue

Does this make sense?  I'm antisocial yet lonely all at the same time - it's an oxymoron, I don't understand.  Which brings me to my new year's eve: I assumed I would be spending the night right here with George and the other lonely internet people but was asked by Jodie to hang out.  I deliberated and though I felt that staying here and not "doing anything" would be my best option since I can often feel my sadness/loneliness more acutely when I'm around others (depending on the situations and people) but I decided to fight the urge to avoid.  As much as it can be extremely difficult for someone to get up and go somewhere/do something social when they're feeling down, it usually ends up being a good idea.  So this is why I was "smart" and decided to just go for it.

This turned out to be one of those times where staying in alone would have been the better plan - how was I supposed to know?  So that was annoying.  Although who knows, perhaps I would have gotten myself all sad if I'd stayed in.  The thing is, I've become really good at distracting myself from dwelling on unpleasant emotions, which is why I either wanted to stay home alone, or go somewhere where there were a lot of people and mayhem for a different kind of distraction, or of course, have someone come over and sweep me off my feet so to speak (yes I like to fantasize).

So that was that.  I got through it.  And I quite literally slept straight through January 1st - just woke up around 10pm.

Just in case you're wondering, the reason I'm all melodramatic about the holidays/new year's eve is because it is a time to spend with your loved ones.  Not only do I not have many people in my life, but those I care about most are not with me, but with others.  Therefore the loneliness is exaggerated and who the hell wants that?  But it's done now - let's move on, shall we?

I don't really do new year's resolutions because if I'm going to make a resolution, I don't need to wait until the beginning of the year - that's what Mondays are for ;o)  Obviously I need to work on relationships and lack there of and of course my health, which fucking sucks and drives me crazy and I wish I could trade this body in for a fresh healthy one damnit.  Not that I hate my body, but that I hate how malfunctioned it is.  As for hating my body, I'm pretty sure I've got BDD but I'm hoping some stuff I'm doing is gonna help that.  The brain is a crazy/powerful mother fucker.

Anyway, there's always stuff to work on - that's what we do in life, we grow and then we die and hopefully we enjoy the process.

In other news, I just found out that I have been wearing the wrong bra size for almost a decade, which explains a lot - wtf.  So I'm actually a DD or E cup, NOT a D cup.  Damnit.  Time to get some new bras.  Time to get all new clothes actually, since my lovely cat George thinks it hilarious to cover all my clothing in his white fur so that I can never get a date and become an old, lonely cat lady.  I swear to god he has some magical fur that makes it impossible to remove!  He's lucky I love him.

Enough rambling for now, I'll be back when I have something good to say.

Love M.

P.S. The new issue of Buttercup is here - join, read, socialize, and love it.  New articles added daily.


  1. Sorry your feeling down about New Years Eve. I would like to say that your company was appreciated that night, it wouldn't have been the same without you. I wish there was something I could do to help you feel better, suffice it to say you are wanted, needed, appreciated. I'm glad I wasn't alone that night, because that would have really depressed me. I think your other friends feel somewhat similar, but I can't speak for them. So, for whatever it's worth, Thankyou. Brent

  2. I'm fine - new year's eve/day is over, the holidays or over, I'm moving on. And if my presence was helpful to anyone than I am glad. You and I are somewhat different I think - you really enjoy people around and I love spending time alone lol.

  3. I used to be a real loner, but then I'd get depressed and want people around even less. It became a vicious cycle with me. I did whatever I could to make sure people didn't like me. I didn't like myself either. A few years ago, that all changed. My doctor said, "make some friends.", I was like, "How?" and he recommended the book: "How to Win Friends and Influence People". I read it. I did some of the stuff it said, and for the rest, had long discussions with a pschologist on the same topic. It works for me, and I know from experiance that isolating myself leads to a friendless and lonely life. I just won't accept that anymore. On that note, you and I are not as diferent as you might think. I love spending time alone too, it's just that it makes me crazy. Does that make sense?

  4. We ended up in Mississauga with friends we spend most New Years with. Each year I say "next year I'm staying home" and then there I am again come New Year's Eve. Sigh.

  5. Ug! I HATE New Years. I was asleep by 10pm on nye and the next day I did absolutely nothing. The New Year's I spend doing nothing are the best ones of all.


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