Marylin Houle

My Mother

2012-01-29T20:00:00.000-05:00

Is in the hospital. She's been there since Tuesday afternoon, almost a week now, and it is still undetermined when she will be coming home.

Without going into details, it was very bad and I almost lost her (again). But she is incredibly resilient (eerily so - if only you knew how many times she almost or "should have" died) and is doing relatively good.

They're keeping her until a few things clear up (kidney infection, pneumonia, etc.) and to run more tests until they know everything that's going on. We have no idea how long it will be.

I've been at the hospital every day with her and will continue to do so until she comes home.

I'm just glad she is going to be okay.

<3 M

Happy Birthday

2012-01-22T14:29:00.001-05:00

Today's entry is brought to you by the number thirty.

Yesterday was my thirtieth birthday. I was woken up by Brian and Drew singing 'happy birthday,' bringing me the breakfast in bed they made me. I've never had anyone give me breakfast in bed before - I felt very special and very loved.

He even made the eggs inside slices of bell pepper from something we found on Pinterest (thanks, Sunny, for getting us (me) addicted to that site :-p ).

Of course it takes me some time to get out of dreamland and become coherent so they were disappointed when I requested we do presents after I was done drinking my tea... you'd think I committed a crime or something lol.

They got me a pretty smelling candle with chocolates and candies, and an adjustable stand thingy to make it easier for me to read in bed since even holding up a book can be too hard sometimes.

I luff them so much.

That night, Jodie and Mike came over and we all went to a party where I got birthday beats. They got me presents too! A massage bar that made Jodie squirmy cause it was for "erotic" purposes; a bath bomb intended to unleash my desires, which also made her squirmy; a cool book mark, and special incense. I don't know if I ever mentioned it, but Jodie gets squirmy when it comes to anything of the erotic nature - it's quite funny and cute.

I got tons of birthday wishes too, on my facebook, which made me very happy cause I loves my attention.

I've always loved my own birthday and have always reminded people of its coming well in advance. I count down, I talk about it, and when it comes, I get giddy like a child and eat up all the attention. But this year felt a little different: for one thing, my health has been crappy lately so I wasn't announcing my birthday from the rooftops like usual. I was planning on planning something special for this year's birthday because I think thirty is a significant milestone of life - especially for me for many reasons, but again, the health took priority. And I didn't seem to have the same excitement that I usually have on my birthday. In fact most of the day/night didn't feel like my birthday, I kept reminding myself it was.

I don't know if this is because I wasn't well leading up to it so didn't do my usual stuff or make plans or because I'm *gulp* just getting old, or both, or neither. I hope it's not the 'old' thing, we shall see I guess.

Anyway, I've been living in survival mode for a long, long time. My thirties are going to be when I 'start' my life, and I'm excited about that. I have goals for myself, and goals with Brian, and I'm looking forward to all of it :-)

I spent another long period not writing in my blog, which I hate, but it happens. I wish I could be as regular as Sunny is with blogging. I don't really know why I can't - I have a bit of a consistency problem perhaps.

Brian and Drew should be back anytime now from the children's museum so I'm gonna go get dressed.

Lots and lots of love,

M

What Is SOPA?

2012-01-17T22:58:00.000-05:00

What Is SOPA?

(article from Gizmodo, by Brian Barrett)

If you hadn't heard of SOPA before, you probably have by now: Some of the internet's most influential sites—Reddit and Wikipedia among them—are going dark to protest the much-maligned anti-piracy bill. But other than being a very bad thing, what is SOPA? And what will it mean for you if it passes?

SOPA is an anti-piracy bill working its way through Congress...

House Judiciary Committee Chair and Texas Republican Lamar Smith, along with 12 co-sponsors, introduced the Stop Online Piracy Act on October 26th of last year. Debate on H.R. 3261, as it's formally known, has consisted of one hearing on November 16th and a "mark-up period" on December 15th, which was designed to make the bill more agreeable to both parties. Its counterpart in the Senate is the Protect IP Act (S. 968). Also known by it's cuter-but-still-deadly name: PIPA. There will likely be a vote on PIPA next Wednesday; SOPA discussions had been placed on hold but will resume in February of this year.

...that would grant content creators extraordinary power over the internet...

The beating heart of SOPA is the ability of intellectual property owners (read: movie studios and record labels) to effectively pull the plug on foreign sites against whom they have a copyright claim. If Warner Bros., for example, says that a site in Italy is torrenting a copy of The Dark Knight, the studio could demand that Google remove that site from its search results, that PayPal no longer accept payments to or from that site, that ad services pull all ads and finances from it, and—most dangerously—that the site's ISP prevent people from even going there.

...which would go almost comedically unchecked...

Perhaps the most galling thing about SOPA in its original construction is that it let IP owners take these actions without a single court appearance or judicial sign-off. All it required was a single letter claiming a "good faith belief" that the target site has infringed on its content. Once Google or PayPal or whoever received the quarantine notice, they would have five days to either abide or to challenge the claim in court. Rights holders still have the power to request that kind of blockade, but in the most recent version of the bill the five day window has softened, and companies now would need the court's permission.

The language in SOPA implies that it's aimed squarely at foreign offenders; that's why it focuses on cutting off sources of funding and traffic (generally US-based) rather than directly attacking a targeted site (which is outside of US legal jurisdiction) directly. But that's just part of it.

...to the point of potentially creating an "Internet Blacklist"...

Here's the other thing: Payment processors or content providers like Visa or YouTube don't even need a letter shut off a site's resources. The bill's "vigilante" provision gives broad immunity to any provider who proactively shutters sites it considers to be infringers. Which means the MPAA just needs to publicize one list of infringing sites to get those sites blacklisted from the internet.

Potential for abuse is rampant. As Public Knowledge points out, Google could easily take it upon itself to delist every viral video site on the internet with a "good faith belief" that they're hosting copyrighted material. Leaving YouTube as the only major video portal. Comcast (an ISP) owns NBC (a content provider). Think they might have an interest in shuttering some rival domains? Under SOPA, they can do it without even asking for permission.

...while exacting a huge cost from nearly every site you use daily...

SOPA also includes an "anti-circumvention" clause, which holds that telling people how to work around SOPA is nearly as bad as violating its main provisions. In other words: if your status update links to The Pirate Bay, Facebook would be legally obligated to remove it. Ditto tweets, YouTube videos, Tumblr or WordPress posts, or sites indexed by Google. And if Google, Twitter, Wordpress, Facebook, etc. let it stand? They face a government "enjoinment." They could and would be shut down.

The resources it would take to self-police are monumental for established companies, and unattainable for start-ups. SOPA would censor every online social outlet you have, and prevent new ones from emerging.

...and potentially disappearing your entire digital life...

The party line on SOPA is that it only affects seedy off-shore torrent sites. That's false. As the big legal brains at Bricoleur point out, the potential collateral damage is huge. And it's you. Because while Facebook and Twitter have the financial wherewithal to stave off anti-circumvention shut down notices, the smaller sites you use to store your photos, your videos, and your thoughts may not. If the government decides any part of that site infringes on copyright and proves it in court? Poof. Your digital life is gone, and you can't get it back.

...while still managing to be both unnecessary and ineffective...

What's saddest about SOPA is that it's pointless on two fronts. In the US, the MPAA, and RIAA already have the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) to request that infringing material be taken down. We've all seen enough "video removed" messages to know that it works just fine.

As for the foreign operators, you might as well be throwing darts at a tse-tse fly. The poster child of overseas torrenting, Pirate Bay, has made it perfectly clear that they're not frightened in the least. And why should they be? Its proprietors have successfully evaded any technological attempt to shut them down so far. Its advertising partners aren't US-based, so they can't be choked out. But more important than Pirate Bay itself is the idea of Pirate Bay, and the hundreds or thousands of sites like it, as populous and resilient as mushrooms in a marsh. Forget the question of should SOPA succeed. It's incredibly unlikely that it could. At least at its stated goals.

...but stands a shockingly good chance of passing...

SOPA is, objectively, an unfeasible trainwreck of a bill, one that willfully misunderstands the nature of the internet and portends huge financial and cultural losses. The White House has come out strongly against it. As have hundreds of venture capitalists and dozens of the men and women who helped build the internet in the first place. In spite of all this, it remains popular in the House of Representatives.

That mark-up period on December 15th, the one that was supposed to transform the bill into something more manageable? Useless. Twenty sanity-fueled amendments were flat-out rejected. And while the bill's most controversial provision—mandatory DNS filtering—was thankfully taken off the table recently, in practice internet providers would almost certainly still use DNS as a tool to shut an accused site down.

...unless we do something about it.

The momentum behind the anti-SOPA movement has been slow to build, but we're finally at a saturation point. Wikipedia, BoingBoing, WordPress, TwitPic: they'll all be dark on January 18th. An anti-SOPA rally has been planned for tomorrow afternoon in New York. The list of companies supporting SOPA is long but shrinking, thanks in no small part to the emails and phone calls they've received in the last few months.

So keep calling. Keep emailing. Most of all, keep making it known that the internet was built on the same principles of freedom that this country was. It should be afforded to the same rights.

Source: http://gizmodo.com/5877000/what-is-sopa

<3 M

So I'm Moving

2011-11-17T23:26:00.000-05:00

Soon, too. I haven't moved in at least five years, which is the longest I've gotten to stay put in my entire adult life. I hate moving constantly, I am a home-body and like the stability of staying in one place and making it into a nice home to live. So I'm glad I haven't moved, or had to move especially, in a long time. I know I'm moving now, but the reason this doesn't suck is because it is a place in the same building I'm already in and my living arrangements are vastly improving, not the other way around.

But since it's been a while, I am feeling pretty overwhelmed with the actual process of moving, especially because a.)I don't have a lot of time to pack and move, and b.)I'm feeling like crap these days and in the state of mind that has trouble handling much stress as it is. Cannot. process. this. Seems simple, yet I'm having issues dealing. Ugh, I'm tired.

I should be getting excited and planning out how I'm gonna set my new place up and all that good stuff - that is typical me, but I guess I've really gotten used to being here and am having some anxiety about having to set up a whole new home. Where will I put shit? lol I know it's fucked up.

The difference between where I am now and where I will be:

This Place is a bachelor one bedroom. I'm not even sure what that means, but it translates into a very small apartment with a small bedroom. Totally grateful to have it.

The New Place is a normal one bedroom. It is, to me, quite huge, and has one ginormous bedroom. When I say 'ginormous bedroom' I am highly understating: this bedroom is the size of two large rooms. It's fucking huge. It's way too big to use as just a bedroom. To me, a bedroom doesn't need to be big at all because it is for sleeping and doing sexy things and that's pretty much it, so you really just need a bed and night- table and maybe a little dresser or something.

This Place has a small bathroom with a shower, but not tub.

The New Place has a really big bathroom with a tub. This is one of the biggest reasons I like this place - the tub. I love baths so much, and often need them for pain reasons. I've borrowed Jodie's tub and my mum's tub and Brian's tub, but it's still not the same as having your own tub to use any time, day or night, in lovely silence, with all your bath salts and what-nots... ahhhhh.

This Place has a tiny, oddly shaped living room. It is so small and weirdly arranged that I've never been able to make it work for much. For about two years now, I've had my bed in there and it's pretty much all it's good for. So I don't have a living room. It sucks cause there's no where for company to sit or anything :-/ So I don't really have anyone over.

The New Place has a huge living room. And it's arranged well too. So that's awesomeness. But since I have no living room furniture, I'm not sure what I will do in there. It would be nice to be able to have people over. Space = nice.

This Place has a coat closet and a linen closet sized closet with shelves in it. So I've kept my clothing in the coat closet and I use the small closet for art supplies and paper stuff.

The New Place has a coat closet, a really big storage closet, and a normal bedroom closet. I'm really going up in the world! :-p

This Place has a pretty good sized kitchen.

The New Place has a small, galley style kitchen. I kinda like the new kitchen better because it's out of the way (hard to explain), you can't see the kitchen from anywhere in the apartment unless you go into it, it's kinda cute, and so much less space to create messiness :-p

So this place is sweet and I'm pretty stoked about it being my new home. Just not sure what to do with it. I have a few basic 'areas' that I need in my home so I have to figure out where these areas will be situated: I need a bedroom, a living room, an office/studio, and hopefully a zen-type space. I will probably put a curtain or something up in the huge bedroom to separate it into two areas, one will be the bedroom and the other will probably be the office/studio, though I'm not sure yet.

I kinda want to set the work area up in the living room but I also know that work can = mess and would rather not have that mess in the middle of the living room. If I had it in the bedroom I could easily close the door on and make it 'disappear' lol. But I think it would be kind of weird to have a peaceful, relaxing bedroom and a busy, cluttered work space so close to each other. Will a curtain be enough to keep the spaces sufficiently separate? I'll know better once I actually get in there I guess.

I'm excited and overwhelmed... eeep! Just a few more weeks! Halp!

<3 M

I Feel Like Poo

2011-11-17T16:58:00.000-05:00

I wish the doctors would do tons of tests on me so I could just know, once and for all, what the fuck is all wrong with me.

I have an appointment on the 23rd with an allergy specialist, so I guess he's gonna do a bunch of random tests to see what I might be allergic to. I don't have high hopes for that though, not sure why. This is why I wanna do an elimination diet in the new year so I can actually pinpoint what foods are having what effect on me. I don't see any other way of figuring it out.

Then there's the whole iron thing. I'm supposed to be taking three pills a day, each one at different times, and that's where I'm getting fucked up - it took me years to remember to take my meds everyday, and that was just once a day... and right now my schedule is completely fucked up so I'm confused as to when I should be taking them. I only just got up an hour ago, I'm not even fully awake yet, I haven't taken any pills yet. So I don't know when I'm supposed to be taking iron pill 2 and then iron pill 3. I really hate when things are like this.

I don't have any energy :-(

<3 M

11:11:11

2011-11-11T11:11:00.017-05:00

(IM conversation on 11.10.11)

marylin houle 10:49 AM
tomorrow is 11.11.11

brian 10:49 AM
so it is

marylin houle 10:49 AM
that's pretty important

brian 10:49 AM
y

marylin houle 10:50 AM
it's an important spiritual number, hard to explain, you should google it

brian 10:53 AM
just seems like a lot of numerologytheory
a lot of doomsday stuff, weddings, a movie released about it
veterans/rememberance day

marylin houle 10:59 AM
well, it's more than that. years and years ago i noticed i was seeing different variations of the number 1 - like 11:11 or 1:1 and that kind of thing, but mostly 11.11. anyway, seems like coincidence, but it kept happening so much so that it was starting to get freaky. it was happening all the time, i was seeing it on everything. I would look at the clock precisely at 11:11 all the time or wake up and the clock would be at 11:11. It was freaking me out. Then a few years later (it was still happening, it just seemed to go in cycles) i found out online that there's a whole crap load of people out there who have the same exact thing happen to them. It was freaky. The gist of it apparently, was that it is supposed to be an "awakening" number meant to stimulate something inside of certain "energy workers" - sounds loopy, I know, but it's also eerily familiar and right as well
i still see it in cycles, usually when I am on the right track

brian 11:00 AM
i used to have the same experience a long time ago, but for me it was 12:33

marylin houle 11:00 AM
well, if you read about it, different people see different numbers, but the main one is 11.
i try to be skeptical about it but having experienced what i did, it's hard

brian 11:01 AM
numbers ARE fascinating

marylin houle 11:02 AM
well, they are so part of everything.

brian 11:02 AM
as a part of a global consciouness, humans see numbers and patterns and interpret them in their own ways.
but I think it's because we want to control the numbers, not because the numbers control us

marylin houle 11:03 AM
i don't think it's either
numbers can't control anything. and people want to control everything, but they can't lol

brian 11:04 AM
11:11:11 is a date that is based on calendar system created by humans. And that's not even a global thing, that is a western thing. other parts of the world use different systems

marylin houle 11:05 AM
what does that have to do with anything though. the number 11 is not just in a calendar

brian 11:05 AM
no but this instance of it is.

marylin houle 11:06 AM
yes, tomorrow

brian 11:06 AM
another thing to consider is that the repetition of 1s in eleven is also a human creation -- the base 10 number system

marylin houle 11:07 AM
that doesn't really make a difference though
in this matter

brian 11:07 AM
explain

marylin houle 11:08 AM
just because something is man made, does not mean it can't have spiritual meaning, whether attributed by man himself and/or coming from a spiritual realm as some kind of expression to man for whatever reason

brian 11:08 AM
ah i see what you mean
personally I think it is the first thing you said
but it could be either

marylin houle 11:11 AM
it could be either or both or none, in this case i'm not sure it matters because it is a positive thing for most and i don't believe in coincidence so i think it's a phenomenon joining these people together for a reason, whatever that reason may be, but their intentions are purely about healing and awakening

brian 11:11 AM
i tend to agree with that

marylin houle 11:11 AM
and i just looked at the clock at and it's 11:11
lol

brian 11:11 AM
so it is

<3 M

It's The Moon I Tells Ya, The Moon!

2011-11-09T23:52:00.001-05:00

< update >

NaNoWriMo:

It is day 9, halfway through the second week and all I have written is 844 words. I started writing on day 1 and went into panic mode. This never happened in the last two years I participated, but this year I am suffering especially from depression and high anxiety. Not because of NaNoWriMo, but because of the S.A.D., the medication adjustment a few months ago, and some other things going on in my life (worries and whatnot).

I haven't been able to bring myself to write anymore. The document has sat open on my task bar since November 1st. I just closed it though. Even though I am so behind I still had a faint hope of catching up, which under normal circumstances would be hard but not impossible. But I just found out today that I am probably moving on December 1st.

It bothers me that I wasn't able to accomplish it this year, but I'm going to try to write my ass off in 2012 to make up for it.

'Space Project':

I got really far, actually I only needed to put some art on the wall and it's done. If I can get my camera to work soon I'll post a photo, but I see no point in continuing the project since I'm moving in about three weeks. I will create my space in the new place (along with many other things) and will blog all about it.

< /update >

<3 M

Don't Drink The Wormwood!

2011-11-04T00:47:00.000-04:00

I set the timer for three 15 minute intervals in a row: do you have any idea how much you can get accomplished in 15 minutes? It's ridiculous. I kept having to check the timer to see if it was broken because it seems like it should have gone off already. Nope. I got a lot more done than I set out to do because of this little trick - but more importantly, I got off my ass and started. Fifteen minutes. Mind you for more physical jobs like cleaning the apartment I think ten minutes may be a better idea, depending on my pain levels that day, because I found myself needing to sit around the ten minute mark. But I pushed on I did!

Then I made myself a Swanson's microwave dinner and Mel came over.

And like the magi she is, she brought me frankincense and myrrh. This is the same friend whose handfasting I was at last Saturday, the one who was married by Santa :-D

I made a pot of wormwood tea. Have you ever had wormwood tea? It tastes like you're chewing aspirin. No exaggeration. In fact, it's possibly worse than that. I got the stuff from Brian, who told me it was not possible to finish a whole cup of the stuff because of how nasty it tastes. I had to test this theory, plus I wanted to see what effects it would have since it is well known for its ability to bring altered states and enhance the third eye etc. and since we were going to do readings, that would have been fitting. So we did our best to tolerate the horrific taste (with O.J. chasers). I managed to finish half a cup, Mel was a real trooper and managed to finish all of hers.

The effects were good but not THAT good. Not good enough to repeat. I'll take my wormwood in incense form, thank you.

It was a nice, witchy night.

There's a story about her earrings that I find interesting:

Mel's step-mother gave her a pair of earrings that were owned by her sister.

The sister's name was Dana "Poppy" Pastori. Poppy was her slave name. She was planning to leave her bf/Master but I guess he didn't want to release her because instead, he strangled her and chopped her up into pieces which he then mummified and shoved into a box.

Her body was in that box for three years and then came Hurricane Katrina. That's when her body was discovered. He had kept her with him, even BROUGHT HER WITH HIM when he and his new gf moved.

Now he's in prison.

And her sister (Mel's step-mother) gave Mel the earrings that Dana had been wearing in that box the whole three years. She told Mel she wanted her sister's spirit to "live with her."

So now Mel has these earrings...

Before mentioning any of this, Mel asked me to tell her what I felt from them (psychically). That was on Saturday right before she was handfasted. I felt nervous excitement. Then I felt like the oxygen was cut off from my head and my ears started ringing. So Mel then told me a bit about where they came from.

I held them again tonight, this time I felt like I was being pushed down and had a cutting pain in my arm right above the elbow. Then Mel filled me in on a lot more of the details about these earrings.

I asked why her step-mother would want her sister's spirit to live with her rather than to move on - kinda weird don't ya think? But as the step-mother wished, Dana's spirit seems to now be hanging around Mel. At least that's what she tells me. But at least she's trying to help the woman move on, and I find it pretty cool that she seems to mainly be doing so in her dreams (yay dreams!).

Now there's a good lesson for all you Dom(me)s and Masters/Mistresses out there: if your slave wants to be released, it means s/he wants to end things, it does not mean you should go mental and pull an "if I can't have you, no one will" or something equally as psycho.

P.S. I love you Master! mwa!

<3 M

Flustergasted

2011-11-03T15:23:00.000-04:00

I've asked Brian to call me in the morning because a.)It's a hell of a lot nicer to wake up to him saying he loves me than it is to wake up to an alarm clock that makes me want to hide under the covers and b.)I've found it gets me up on a positive note that I carry throughout the day. Today was the first day with him doing that. It worked alright. I'll admit I went back to sleep for twenty minutes and the alarm woke me up the second time, but he asked me to meet him on messenger and I knew if I didn't he'd be calling again so at least I had a reason to get my ass out of bed. I was really nervous that I wouldn't last the day without wanting to crawl back into bed but so far so good.

And my friend Mel is coming over this evening now so I have a reason not to go back to bed as well as a reason to tidy up around here. We'll be doing some readings and whatnot.

But before the tidying up, I decided to set my timer for 15 minutes and work on my space. The good news is that the job is easier than I thought and I worked on it for more like a half and hour cause I was sort of enjoying it. It will take me way less time than I anticipated, which is awesomeness.

The bad news is that I made some messes while working and now I feel like my place is a bit overwhelming to have to tidy up. I overwhelm easily. I think if I set my timer again to 15 minutes like I did with the other project, I'll have an easier time feeling like I can actually tackle the job. Mhmm yep.

The weekend is approaching way too soon... I have socializing planned and I don't feel ready to crawl out from my cave yet. Ah well. Off I go to tidy.

<3 M

When I Wake Up, In My Make Up

2011-11-02T22:00:00.000-04:00

Today is pretty much a write-off. Not gonna get any of the things done that I wanted to. But that's okay. At least that's what I'm telling myself. The world is not going to esplode or anything because I wasn't able to make the daily quota. Gonna go to bed early, hopefully wake up with some energy and make up for today's idleness.

Brian came to visit me this morning. It's good to have a reason to get out of bed. We kind of messed up the bed a lot though :-p He brought me coffee and carrot cake and love. He tries to give me love even though I'm really hard to love when I am down in the dumps as I am. He is awesome.

Then I went to the doctor's. And on my way there it occurred to me that three months ago I took it upon myself to lower my dosage of Celexa from 30mg to 20mg.

I've been trying to decipher exactly why my depression right now is as strong as it is because it feels much worse than the usual onset of S.A.D. and my life situation is not that bad. So I don't know why it took me so long to put two and two together. My brain is ~~annoying~~ funny sometimes.

So I'm kinda hoping this is the reason for the depression and that once I go back to taking my old dosage I will start to improve. Crossing my fingers on that one. Gonna start tomorrow.

P.S. I need a new webcam, the one I have is pretty much useless and I want to have Skype dates with Brian. Please to point me in the direction of a decent, inexpensive cam?

<3 M

The World Is Upspydown

2011-11-01T17:07:00.001-04:00

I was nervous about my gyno appointment today because they're gonna stick a microscope inside me and see what's goin' on in there. Turns out my appointment isn't till the 16th and that today's appointment was just a regular doctor's appointment. So I went. And the receptionist informed me that my appointment is in fact tomorrow, not today O_O

I am fighting to stay out of bed. I can't explain how hard it is. And I don't have the mental or physical energy to do anything much while I am awake.

Now that the complaining portion of our program is complete...

I went to my friend Mel's handfasting this past Saturday. It was a small, private ceremony. It made me want to get married! :-p The ceremony was performed by a man who is also the head Santa Claus of Hamilton, as I'm told. I was also in his coven for a while. I'd love to tell people that Santa Claus performed my wedding lol.

In all seriousness though, it was quite beautiful. Here's a photo of the altar, taken by one of the guests:

Pretty! It was awesomeness. Congratulations Mike and Mel <3

In other news, I have a simple goal - Create a nice space here:

It's been sitting there like that for about two months or so now. It's not that it's a difficult task, it's just that I haven't done it yet, don't know why, just haven't. And I don't know when it will get done if I don't actually PLAN to do it. So that's what I'm going to do.

According to the SMART Goal model, I have to be Specific and know exactly what it is I'm trying to achieve (what will it look like when I'm done), it has to be Measurable so I can track my progress (how will I know I am getting it done?), it has to be something Attainable that I can actually achieve (do I have the time, energy, and resources to get this done?), it has to be Relevant (do I even care if this is done?), and it has to be planned with a Time-frame in mind (what days will I work on this and for what amount of time? when will this be finished?).

Specific

I want to organize the space to create a place where I can sit and relax, read, meditate, etc. I want it to be clutter-free and peaceful. I want to put things up on the wall.

Measurable

When I am satisfied that I have done a decent job, when the space makes me feel the way I want to feel in it, I will know I have achieved the goal.

Attainable

Though I would prefer to paint the wall, get an area rug, and perhaps a different piece of furniture, I don't have the resources to do those things in the next few months. But I still want to do something with the space rather than have it sit there looking cluttered and being useless, so I am using what I already have to do the best I can with it. I believe a two month deadline for this job is more than reasonable.

Relevant

This goal is very relevant. I want a nice home and this space not being done is keeping that from happening.

Time-frame

I will spend a minimum of 15 minutes every weekday working on this. I can spend more time if I want to, but 15 minutes is all that is required of me. This goal will be completed on or before December 31st, 2011.

If I knew I really wanted to do this but was really lacking in motivation, I might list the pros and cons of achieving the goal.

I know it seems silly to be this detailed for such a seemingly small endeavor, but I really need to practice this stuff. And like I said, this project is not gonna go anywhere if I don't turn the "gonna do" into "gonna do at this time and date."

I'll let you know how it goes.

<3 M

It's Almost Time To NaNoWriMo

2011-10-31T21:43:00.000-04:00

Happy Halloween! Kinda. I'm tired tired tired and had to force myself to blog right now because all I feel like doing is chilling out with a movie.

Halloween is my favourite time of year, but I'm not doing anything to celebrate, at least not tonight, anyway. Yesterday we (Brian, Drew, and myself) did Jack-o-lanterns, which made me happy. I want to post a picture of them but they're on Brian's phone and I don't want to bug him to upload right now cause he's kinda bummed out about his ginormous hard drive up and dying... understandable. I'm sure I will do my own little celebration this week - I usually at least do a reading to sort of forecast the coming year. That might be interesting to share with you.

Midnight marks the beginning of NaNoWriMo 2011. This is my third year participating. Keeping with tradition, I haven't prepared anything so it should be another interesting experience. Because of how tired I am I probably won't start writing until the morning. I've found getting as much writing done in the morning gives you more freedom to make up for any possible procrastination or life interruption later on in the day. And if you manage to get your minimum word count in before lunch, anything else you happen to write after that is a bonus.

I plan to be a bit of a writing machine this month: I'd like to go well beyond the 50,000 word mark and at the same time, blog here at least a few times a week. I know it will be easy to just say that I don't want to blog because I'm doing enough writing as it is or that I want to concentrate solely on the novel, but screw that, doing both is just fine.

If you're participating in NaNoWriMo this year, good luck! and feel free to add me as a writing buddy on the site

Happy Witch's New Year,

<3 M

Random Art: Part 13

2011-10-29T09:00:00.004-04:00

Materials: decorative paper, water soluble pencil crayons/crayons, pen, acrylic paint

<3 M

Random Art: Part 12

2011-10-28T21:00:00.004-04:00

Materials: acrylic paint

<3 M

Random Art: Part 11

2011-10-28T09:00:00.008-04:00

Materials: acrylic paint, pencil, pen, decorative paper

<3 M

I Have Good Noms.

2011-10-27T21:00:00.002-04:00

Two posts in one day? Yeah. I didn't talk about any of the stuff I meant to in my previous entry. Free-flow writing is like that, you never know where it's going to take you, and apparently my psyche needed to bitch about other things.

Anyway, on Monday, Brian met me after work and we went to Zum Linzer on Main for the Kinky Restaurant Crawl (it's the Kinky Restaurant Crawl only because all the people who come are kinksters, we do not wear latex and dog collars at the restaurants).

I've heard a lot about this place because a friend of ours (Ravenshire Fetish) is one of the cooks there. It's German cuisine - If you've ever heard of the Black Forest Inn, well this place is even better and the prices are extremely fair for what you get.

So a few good friends made it out and it was a fun night, which I really really needed cause as I've been saying, I've been living under a rock for quite a while.

I ordered the Schnitzel Cordon Bleu, which is ham and cheese wrapped in a pork schnitzel, with home fries (that are cooked in bacon fat O_O) and veggies. It also comes with soup or salad to start as well as a basket of rye bread. The Schnitzel Cordon Bleu sounds disgusting to me, but it tasted like heaven and I will definitely be getting that again some day. The portions were huge and the meal was only thirteen dollars. I usually hate pea soup and am not a big soup person in general but for some reason I felt like soup so I got the pea soup instead of the salad as my starter and it was fricken delicious! Plus I had a Stiegl with my meal and I think that's one of my new favourite beers.

The service was really friendly, patient, and overall good. The dining room was quaint, laid back, cozy. And my entire bill was only twenty-one dollars (before tip). Before going, I expected to be paying no less than thirty dollars for my meal but I was pleasantly mistaken.

Everyone decided to go out for ice-cream for dessert up to the Marble Slab Creamery on Upper James, but I went home instead cause I'm really poor this month. I've never been there but from the sounds of it, I really really want to go. Ice-cream = Good.

And because I somehow always manage to surround myself with geeks (I love it), what came out of the night was a spin-off group where we take turns hosting movie night where we watch corny, cheesy, horrible sci-fi movies. Our first movie will be Barbarella. There'd better be a lot of boobs.

Tuesday was the Hamilton Writers meeting. That was good. Of course since the meetings are held at Chesters - Beers of the World, I had to order a Stiegl, just to make sure it was still as yummy as it was the night before :-p And yes, it was.

The majority of us are gearing up for NaNoWriMo, which is now only four days away. As has been my tradition for three years now, I wait till the week before to fully decide I will participate and then wait still until it is just days away to consider what I might write about. My first year was exciting - I had no clue whatsoever about what I was going to write about - nothing. I still managed to make it past 50, 000 words but it taught me that I need to have at least some idea or plan before beginning so that it wouldn't be so hard to come up with things to write. Not to mention the fact that the more planning that goes into it, the better chance of the piece being publishable with some work. Mine was/is publishable with A LOT of work.

My second year I actually had an idea and did a very minute amount of planning. It made the process much easier and I was able to soar past 50,000 words before the thirty day dead line. The writing was/is good but it is unfinished. I decided after the contest ended to take a short break from writing since I'd been writing like a mad-woman for thirty days straight and it's always good to replenish your creative juices and whatnot. The problem is, I never picked it back up.

This, my third year, I have an inkling of what I'm going to write about. It was a last minute idea that I will divulge to you later. If I'm smart, I will do some planning for it because this is something I would actually want to publish eventually. Should be interesting.

Among the things I've learned from participating in NaNoWriMo is a particular block I seem to have. I'd love to figure out how to get around it: the problem is, the writing I like to do most is very much like the writing I do when I make a blog entry - it is free-flowing, personal, and very much my voice, my personality. But when I sit down to write something (other than a blog or journal), I can't seem to write this way. I think a big part of the block is the expectation that whatever it is I've decided to write has to be a certain way or follow certain literary rules or be like the rest of the similar works. So I either end up stuck or I end up writing in a style that does not work because it is so "fake".. the voice is... lacking whatever it is that makes prose sound "true." It's hard to explain. Others may like the writing I've done like this, but if I don't like it, it's not satisfying.

Anyway, any advice would be appreciated.

My good friend Mel is getting handfasted this Saturday and I'm her witness. This will be my first handfasting so it should be interesting. I was invited to one around this time last year but a [insert horrible curse words and insulting adjectives] taxi driver made me miss it.

Then I'm off to Brian's for Sunday and Monday where we will be carving pumpkins and other Halloweeny goodness. I miss him (and Drew) and wish they didn't live so far away :-( poop.

Though I will admit absence really does make the heart (and other body parts) grow fonder.

<3 M

I Am S.A.D. N' Stuff

2011-10-27T17:21:00.000-04:00

I don't want to sleep all day. I have delayed sleep phase disorder and S.A.D. - a combination that sorta leaves me fighting a losing battle regarding actually have a choice in the matter as to when I do or do not sleep.

I have a sun lamp, which is supposed to (and does) help with both the sleep disorder and the S.A.D. because they both have much to do with the circadian rhythm. Well I believe the lamp is helping me with my mood but not with my sleep cycle. But that's my fault. If you don't use the lamp around the time you want your body to wake up (say, mid morning) than you won't. Because I've been sleeping all day and using the lamp at like two or three in the afternoon, I'm not getting any change.

So I need to somehow get my ass out of bed earlier. It's so hard to do that when all you wanna do is sleep cause you're so tired and your natural instinct is to hibernate during the dark half of the year (I am the bear and the owl ya know) and you have no solid reason to actually get up anyway because you have no real obligations, plans, or responsibilities.

I'd argue that I have responsibility to myself but if that case held any weight I'd be a much healthier person right now.

I'm sure it will all work out, it always does in some way.

I think I really need to start making plans and following them - I know I would feel much less scattered, unorganized, and directionless. I stopped caring years ago about having goals. When I was younger, I had so many goals and dreams. After a while of being depressed and emotionally fucked up, I stopped having goals other than "get better" and since I never got better (for a long time that is), my goals didn't change.

Since I've been improving tremendously and the longing to have real goals again has come back, I found myself lost, not knowing what the hell I even wanted. As if I had forgotten how to even have goals. It saddened me to realize how far away I had gotten from myself to not even know what I wanted.

Luckily(? hehe), I have a boyfriend who needed help figuring out how to make and implement/achieve goals. Exasperated (for some reason), I set out to teach him, frustrated because of how easy it was to do so (and why didn't he know how?). Isn't the ego a funny thing? Here I am, struggling with the exact same issue (way to be aware of yourself, right?) and acting like some kind of expert on the subject.

But I did it. I taught him how to do it. And it was effective. And as I taught, I realized this was exactly what I needed to be doing for myself. I can be a very wise person but I really suck at the actual doing and sticking to part of things.

So I did sit down and make some goals for myself, in all areas of life. And I even created a neat little binder with dividers to categorize the goals and keep track of them etc. I put a lot of work into making this little binder, my GOALS & PLANS binder, to make it all organized and pretty and stuff.

And that's where I stopped.

I made this binder at least two months ago. I have not even looked at it since. I have not looked at any of the goals I made. I'm not exactly sure why I do this sort of thing. I know part of it is fear of failure. Another part is how scattered I have felt for so long that I never know what I should be doing at any given moment since there is so much I need and want to do and no actual schedule or priority and anything. Did I mention I am good at excuses too? ;-) Basically, I overwhelm easily and I am good at overwhelming myself on an almost daily basis.

So what should I do? Open that damn binder!

<3 M

Always The Wanna, Never The Be

2011-10-23T20:24:00.000-04:00

Take one down, pass it around...

Another winter, another series of complaints cleverly disguised as blog entries by yours truly. I do include other tidbits and can sometimes be insightful, so maybe it's not a complete waste of time.

Complaint of the day: so fucking drained of energy. It's likely something I can fix if I really try, but the fact that I'm too tired to do so is the evil, viscous circle.

One thing I have learned though, no matter what may be ailing you, you will more often than not feel better if you have a glass of water. I'm serious. And this especially goes for lack of energy. I think I need to go get myself some water now...

So it has been a little over one month since I quit smoking and for the last two days I have had inklings of regret. I still don't want to smoke, in the bigger picture, but my god do I sometimes I want to smoke. It's purely psychological and I'm pretty logical about it but what scares me is when I'm emotional: when I am extremely emotionally disregulated, most of my logic goes right out the door and my mind craves things it knows will give me immediate gratification... it wants me to soothe myself and tends to want to fall back on unhealthy, quick fixes... from over-eating, drinking, taking pills, being promiscuous, cutting, living in bed, etc. etc. and now one of those things is having a cigarette.

Cigarettes are an old friend. We shared a sixteen year friendship, actually. That's a long time to be addicted to something. But as unhealthy a friend as they were, if I'm in enough distress, I have little to stop me from saying 'fuck it.' And that scares me. But at least I know no matter what happens, logic is never gone forever and will kick my ass if I give into the temptation.

It's funny, a cigarette does not do a thing for me chemically (I don't physically crave it anymore, that has passed) but psychologically it is an old comfort, it is a whole "this is who I am, this is part of my persona" thing, as weird as that sounds. But I will be strong.

I have quit five times before this and for some reason, this particular time feels extremely different than the other times. I feel like I have a lot more control over it this time. I dunno why. Maybe it's just that I have a lot more skills to use.

I'm not enjoying the need to eat so much, it's never been a thing before, but I know that's temporary and it's much more worth gaining some weight that will likely come back off than smoking and all the health shit that comes along with it. I mean, I was in the emergency room with asthma attacks... I think gaining few pounds is forgivable if it means staying out of the ER lol.

That's enough about smoking, I need something to eat :-p

Brian slept over on Friday night which was awesomeness. One of my favourite things in the world is waking up with him there, waking up to him giving me a sweet kiss and holding me. It's the perfect way to wake up and I really wish I could wake up that way everyday. *Sigh* Desire is suffering... grumble grumble.

Anyhew, on Saturday he took me to Thai Memory for dinner. It's a really nice place next to the Sky Dragon Center on King William. The food is the best Thai I've ever had, the prices are good, and it's so serene - there's a big pond/fountain thing that I particularly love. They're pretty cool there: if you pay with cash they take 5% off your bill and if you bring your own tupperware to bring home your leftovers, they take off another 5%. Awesomeness. I had a red curry chicken dish with coconut rice (mmmmm) and Brian had the Pad Thai (he has had many many Pad Thais in his time and he claims this was the best one yet). We were unfortunately too full for dessert, which would have been ginger ice cream.

After that we walked over to the Citadel on Rebecca to go see a play that our friend was in: it was called "Suburban Motel" by George F. Walker (directed by Tyler Brent). It consisted of two small plays: Risk Everything and Criminal Genius.

"Risk Everything" was definitely THE better play (not that the other one wasn't good), the acting was amazing and I'm looking forward to seeing more, and yes, Tara Smith (Hot-T from the Petit Fours) did steal the show ;-)

After that awesomeness we went over to Gallaghers for a friend's birthday gathering. It is VERY hard to socialize when the music is so loud you can't hear the person next to you screaming in your ear. It's a shame because I really like the atmosphere there. Oh well.

Today is Sunday blah-ness time. Had a two hour nap today, couldn't help it.

Tomorrow is the restaurant crawl and Tuesday is Hamilton Writers, so I'm sure I'll have more to write about. Project Un-Isolate Marylin is well underway, but not easy :-s

P.S. I love you.

<3 M

Random Art: Part 10

2011-10-19T11:00:00.000-04:00

Materials: acrylic paint, gesso, marker, water-soluble crayon/coloured pencil

<3 M

Random Art: Part 9

2011-10-18T23:00:00.001-04:00

Materials: acrylic paint, water-soluble pencil crayons, pencil

<3 M

In My Mind

2011-10-18T14:12:00.000-04:00

This song seems to do a good job of straightening out my thinking:

<3 M

Random Art: Part 8

2011-10-18T11:00:00.000-04:00

Materials: oil pastel

<3 M

Random Art: Part 7

2011-10-17T23:00:00.001-04:00

Materials: coloured pencil

<3 M

How Bizarre

2011-10-17T20:33:00.000-04:00

Saturday Brian and I went to what is known as the 'Bizarre Bizarre.' This is where a bunch of kink/fetish vendors get together and sell their wares. We went to the last one and it was pretty cool and since friends of ours were going to be vending, we thought we should go to this one as well.

Brian won TWO prizes! It's like he has a horseshoe up his ass lately...

One of his prizes was a wooden paddle and the other was so extremely UN-usable for us (it was a sounding kit LOL) so he gave it to someone who would actually enjoy it.

Plus he picked up quite a few other toys... yay!

I wasn't planning on buying anything but I somehow ended up trying on a corset. I was about to buy it when my friend came over and saved me from making a bad purchase. This led the corset-lady to retrieve the one corset she had in her car for me to try, which turned out to fit/look fabulous on me.

It's a really good quality corset, steel boning, and apparently looks like it was made for me. And I got it for half price! Woot! Can't wait to wear it! Here's a picture:

And they threw in a little hat for free because they thought it looked cute on me lol. So that was pretty awesome.

It felt nice to get a lot of attention like that at least for just a bit. Nice distraction.

Unfortunately, the S.A.D. has hit pretty hard this year, and I'm fighting my ass off to not slip into a bad depression. It's fucking hard though. There's not enough transition time between summer and cold weather, at least it seems that way. It seems to come out of nowhere: last weekend was hot, this weekend was freezing.

Blah.

I just feel like hell. I feel like I'm having a mid-life crisis, without the midlife part. I don't know what to do with myself. I want to go in so many directions and it's overwhelming cause I have no idea where to start or what my priorities are.

And I can't stop eating!

I quit smoking a month ago and I just want to eat and eat and eat. Being depressed does not help the matter.

Oh well, at least I don't smoke.

<3 M

Random Art: Part 6

2011-10-17T11:00:00.001-04:00

Materials: gesso, acrylic paint, charcoal

<3 M

Random Art: Part 5

2011-10-16T23:00:00.001-04:00

Materials: acrylic paint, pencil, gesso, etc.

<3 M

Random Art: Part IIII

2011-10-16T11:00:00.001-04:00

Materials: pencil

<3 M

Random Art: Part III

2011-10-15T22:00:00.001-04:00

Materials: acrylic paint, sparkles, pastel, various paper, water-soluble crayons and pencil crayons, marker, stamps, gel medium, bible...

<3 M

Random Art: Part II

2011-10-15T14:00:00.002-04:00

Materials: Pencil

<3 M

Random Art: Part I

2011-10-14T20:03:00.000-04:00

I'm just gonna start posting some random artwork I've done and never shared, however rough or however much I may dislike it, here it is...

Materials: chalk pastel

<3 M

Poppies In October

2011-10-14T11:35:00.002-04:00

-Sylvia Plath

<3 M

The Green Lady

2011-10-13T20:22:00.002-04:00

Ntozake Shange

somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff
not my poems or a dance i gave up in the street
but somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff
like a kleptomaniac workin hard & forgettin while stealin
this is mine/this aint yr stuff/
now why don't you put me back & let me hang out in my own self
somebody almost walked off wit alla my stuff
& didn't care enuf to send a note home sayin
i was late for my solo conversation
or two sizes to small for my own tacky skirts
what can anybody do wit somethin of no value on
a open market/ did you getta dime for my things/
hey man/ where are you goin wid alla my stuff/
to ohh & ahh abt/ daddy/ i gotta mainline number
from my own shit/ now wontcha put me back/ & let
me play this duet/ wit silver ring in my nose/
honest to god/ somebody almost run off wit alla my stuff/
& i didnt bring anythin but the kick & sway of it
the perfect ass for my man & none of it is theirs
this is mine/ ntozake 'her own things'/ that's my name
now give me my stuff/ i see ya hidin my laugh/ & how i
sit wif my legs open sometimes/ to give my crotch
some sunlight/ & there goes my love my toes my chewed
up finger nails/ niggah/ wif the curls in yr hair/
mr. louisiana hot link/ i want my stuff back/
my rhytums & my voice/ open my mouth/ & let me talk ya
outta/ throwin my shit in the sewar/ this is some delicate
leg & whimsical kiss/ i gotta have to give to my choice/
without you runnin off wit alla my shit/
now you cant have me less i give me away/ & i waz
doin all that/ til ya run off on a good thing/
who is this you left me wit/ some simple bitch
widda bad attitude/ i wants my things/
i want my arm wit the hot iron scar/ & my leg wit the
flea bite/ i want my calloused feet & quik language back
in my mouth/ fried plantains/ pineapple pear juice/
sun-ra & joseph & jules/ i want my own things/ how i lived them/
& give me my memories/ how i waz when i waz there/
you cant have them or do nothin wit them/
stealin my shit from me/ dont make it yrs/ makes it stolen/
somebody almost run off wit alla my stuff/ & i waz standin
there/ lookin at myself/ the whole time
& it waznt a spirit took my stuff/ waz a man whose
ego walked round like Rodan's shadow/ waz a man faster
n my innocence/ waz a lover/ i made too much
room for/ almost run off wit alla my stuff/
& i didnt know i'd give it up so quik/ & the one runnin wit it/
don't know he got it/ & i'm shoutin this is mine/ & he dont
know he got it/ my stuff is the anonymous rip[ped off treasure
of the year/ did you know somebody almost got away wit me/
me in a plastic bag under their arm/ me
danglin on a string of personal carelessness/ i'm spattered wit
mud & city rain/ & no i didnt get a chance to take a douche/
hey man/ this is not your perogative/ i gotta have me in my
pocket/ to get round like a good woman shd/ & make the poem
in the pot or the chicken in the dance/ what i got to do/
i gotta get my stuff to do it to/
why dont ya find yr own things/ & leave this package
of me for my destiny/ what ya got to get from me/
i'll give it to ya/ yeh/ i'll give it to ya/
round 5:00 in the winter/ when the sky is blue-red/
& Dew City is gettin pressed/ if it's really my stuff/
ya gotta give it to me/ if ya really want it/ i'm
the only one/ can handle it

<3 M

Random

2011-03-18T13:09:00.000-04:00

I'm at Brian's place right now: he's gone to take D to her mum's for the weekend and then doing all kinds of other stuff. I'm staying home and making him a speshul dinner :-)

Our three-month-aversary was on Wednesday... it feels like a hell of a lot longer than that, but in the good way. I'm still 'getting used to' this whole being in a relationship thing - it's a completely new experience for me. I've been in, what you could call, relationships before, but none of them were actual relationships. Needless to say, I'm a very happy girl, life is grand.

Well, mostly. I seem to be having a hell of a time with the pain thing. There's my usual pain, and then there's the pain I've been having for the past few months or so. It seems to be easing up somewhat, but let's just say this masochist is in need of a safeword O_O

Most other areas of my life are improving: I'm seeing a lot of the fruit of my past labours and can see it wasn't all for naught.

Like I said, I'm still getting used to being in a relationship. He lives all the way across the city and is a full time dad, so working out my scheduling and transportation has been an issue. I need to figure out how to fit everything in, fit in seeing my friends, my family, that sort of thing. I wish I drove sometimes.

I am, what they would call, a Borderline in recovery. What that means is, I still have all the same emotional disregulations and hyper-sensitivities, and whatnot, but I have the skills with which to cope. This is quite the miracle, for anyone with BPD knows the hell your life becomes with this disorder. If I keep up on the skills, I should be okay.

I am also, it would seem, a rapidly recovering body-hater. I have been struggling with body image issues for years, even when I believed logically that there is no reason to feel down about my body, the filters of society and everything I've always been told to believe/think have won out. The influence is too strong. Most everything we're told and shown regarding our body size, shape, etc. is bullshit, but how are we to know the difference if that's all (or the majority) of what we've experienced through media and society?

I did a few things, sort of theraputic-type exercises in hopes of changing my stubborn beliefs about my body. Some of these seemed to have an effect. Then I attended an eating disorders group where I was taught the science behind weight gain/loss, etc. It was a life-changing experience. Why was this information not out there in our society? It was so eye-opening, I'd never heard these things before. I felt lied to, and regretful that I had not known these things before it was too late.

Among all the things I learned, one of them was acceptance. After knowing what I now knew, I had no choice but to accept things as they were, accept myself the way I was, right now.

It sounds depressing for someone who hates their body and has spend most of her life trying to, or stressing out about, losing weight. Waiting for life until I was the right weight. Putting things off until I was 'done my diet.' Not wearing what I really wanted to wear because 'when I lose weight, it will be too big and I don't want to waste money.' And when the struggle to achieve the impossible inevitably failed, again and again (no wonder we end up hating ourselves) the cycle just continues, getting worse and worse.

Well, it was depressing. Incredibly. But then some things started happening. I would go shopping and look at all the clothing I wanted to wear, knowing I could buy it now and not have to wait for a later date that would never come. This was fun, relieving, and very empowering. If I accepted myself at the size I was at right now, I could stop waiting to live. Finally. Sounds dramatic, I know, but it kinda is.

After a while, I noticed I was not getting down about my body nearly as much as before. This was happening less and less. I noticed that I had stopped obsessing. This was a huge deal, like a ton of weight lifted off my shoulders.

Many other things happened. I began to notice an increase in confidence. So did others. And it's so true what they say - once you start to believe you are beautiful, so will others.

I still have some major issues, but like I said, it's a work in progress like everything else. I'm just very proud to be able to add that on to my list of ginormous life accomplishments. Most of the things I've been working on endlessly for the past decade and seemingly getting nowhere with have been shifting in big ways in the past year or two.

One of my biggest issues in therapy, oddly enough, was problem solving my inability to follow any sort of routine or schedule. To do anything productive on a consistent basis. Much of this had to do with the fact that I've been out of school and work for so long and haven't had to be very responsible and the fact that I have very black/white - all/nothing thinking.

It seemed like I would never be able to do it, I would never be able to control my life! I am very easily overwhelmed. But in the past, I'd say, six months or so, I have been slowly, by trial and error, getting somewhere with this problem. It is very slow progress, but it is a very big thing to tackle and I am doing it!

Of course there are other areas in which I'm making headway... I just don't give up. So like I said, life is grand.

I still have plenty of problems to deal with, but they are a hell of a lot easier to face when many of the other ones are under control.

I better go start dinner n' stuff now... this chair is killing my back :-/

Love M

The Oscar Goes To...

2011-02-01T17:21:00.000-05:00

Today is lazy day here: I planned to do a butt-load of laundry amongst other things but it seems I have done only the minimum amount of required work and have spent most of the day doing stuff online

Last week I woke up in the middle of a revolution in Egypt. It reminded me a lot of how I felt when I slept in on 9/11/01: I woke up all groggy to people panicking and just assumed it was some kind of joke or that my friend was over-reacting to something. I felt outta the loop.

In this case, because I have woken up a lot since then, the more I heard/read/watched, the more enraged I became at the stupidity of government. It never surprises me, never fails to.. well, fail. But I am extremely happy for and proud of the people of Egypt and hope they serve as an example that change IS possible, no matter how impossible it may seem.

Sigh. Anyway...

I had an awesome weekend with Brian and Drew: we played games, had yummy snacks, watched lots of Simpsons, and cleaned some messy bedrooms. Lots of fun, still a little sore from piggy-back rides but I'll survive ;-)

This is Drew's impression of the ridiculous viral video 'Sittin' On Da Toilet' - She is too cute.

In other news, I've been pondering what might go on in people's heads when they choose to make things controversial, ultimately making their own lives difficult. When you treat a person like garbage and THEY end up extending their forgiveness to YOU, you would think the person would at least take that opportunity to leave the past in the past. Apparently this is not logical for some people. I guess this person wants to feel awkward and uncomfortable... seems a shame really, but not my problem anymore. If you're going to be hanging out where I am hanging out and interacting with my friends you are not going to be able to avoid me, sorry.

Such is life.

And life is absolutely grand! :-)

Love M

You're An Asshole

2011-01-24T19:38:00.000-05:00

We are social creatures; we need each other. We are also, as a species, selfish assholes; we hurt each other. What makes us keep those people in our lives who seem to lessen the quality of it?

People come into our lives, I beleive, not randomly, but quite intentionally (I don't beleive in accidents). Unfortunately, this includes people who hurt us in various ways. The paradox is that we need these people to be assholes (and the assholes have even more assholes - it's very much like an asshole pyramid scheme) in order to give us the opportunities for learning and growth. The assholes in our life help us become better people, ultimately.

So really we should be thanking people for being such assholes to us rather than letting their neurosis make us miserable. We can choose to gripe and complain and continue whatever unhealthy dysfunctional relationships we're in or we can learn from the crap they have brought into your life and move on.

You might notice that over and over again you attract the same types of asshole and the same melodrama seems to play out. Well, you will just continue to do so for the rest of your life until (hopefully) you learn from it and apply the wisdom accordingly.

Here is how it works:

More assholes = more wisdom to apply to future relations = ultimately less and less assholes necessary. The less assholes you need in your life, the less of an asshole you are to others (yes you are and/or have been an asshole in some form or another whether you know it or not, otherwise there would be no assholes to speak of). All of this equates to having better relationships and less asshole-ish-ness to deal with. Mind you, learning never ends so there will still be an asshole on the horizon to sharpen us up, teach us more.

Well, this is how it works ideally. The other end of the spectrum is not learning from the assholes, keeping them in our lives in one way or another, and continuing to have miserable relationships.

I opt for the first choice O_O

But I find it hard, often, not to feel judgment toward those who just seem to "not get it" and continue a life of asshole-dom. I am not the most mature person, that's for sure, but sometimes it feels as if I am the only one being an "adult" when it comes to dealing with interpersonal relations. It surprises me less and less that people who are old enough to be my parent have the maturity of a two year old - and even my two year old niece knows better. I know, I just have to remember that people tend to re/act from a place of fear and that deep down, everyone is vulnerable, everyone has been hurt, and everyone has fears. Asshole-ish-ness is definitely a secondary emotion.

I think the point of all this 'thinking out loud' I'm doing here is to say that it is a wonderful feeling noticing the shift in my life from having a few sturdy people and a buttload of assholes to having more and more sturdy, real friends and slowly but surely less assholes. It's really important to me to have a solid and healthy support system/relationships and I'm liking what is developing. I know I have a lot of things to overcome if I want it to be this way: I need to reach out to people; I need to open up and not hide in my shell no matter how shy I am; I need to nurture the good relationships in my life and stop putting energy into the not so good ones; I need to stop being SO TRUSTING! (yes trust is good but I take it to another level).

I admit I'm a scatterbrain, especially these days with the fibro fog eating my memory and my dire need for more structure in my day to day life, and this more often than not results in me forgetting to keep in touch with people. I will have to figure out how to not let that happen. Like I said, we are social creatures and no matter how many times in the past I've wished I could just hibernate and not have any relationships whatsoever, the fact is, we need each other. We are all a bunch of assholes who need to be with other assholes. So poetic, I know.

Love M

Wanna Be A Boy!

2011-01-17T19:39:00.000-05:00

Arg I do. Damn cramps. Got my hot water bottle and my mint ginger tea and thought I'd try some writing.

So, my birthday is in three days, and as usual, I've been alerting everyone consistently and annoyingly of that fact. Not exactly sure why I do that, I just know I'm the only adult (ha) I know who still gets excited about her own birthday, no matter how old I am. And by the way, if you were curious, I am turning twenty this year... :-p

I'm not doing anything for my birthday as far as I know... maybe I'll have some drinks with some friends or something... but there happens to be party the night after my birthday so I'm just gonna celebrate that way. It is a play party so I am sure to get plenty of birthday spanks!

I've secretly always wanted a surprise party for my birthday because I am an attention whore (the shiest attention whore evar) but that's not something you're allowed to plan for yourself. Maybe some day.

Listening to Bobby right now, was watching that video of him and John Lennon in the back of a car talking about Johnny Cash etc., and Bob is clearly on drugs lol. Listening to the two of them together is quite interesting as they both have quite unique voices.

Ummm what else... going to finally check out that Indian restaurant down the street that I've wanted to try forever but going out to eat alone is no fun. But me and some friends have recently started a bit of a restaurant crawl and it was my turn to choose the place. Our last place was Thai Memory on King William and omg it's awesomeness. Definitely going back there. That should be fun,

2011 thus far has been kinda (dare I say it) awesome. Well, 2010 ended with a lot of climax and you know the way it is, the more you struggle, the more you grow. Well, I grew like a muthafuka.

I'll call 2010 the year of getting a love life. Right from the beginning of the year up to the end I was meeting men, one after the other, which has never been the case for me. I've had a tumultuous time with matters of the heart but it has never been a matter of quantity... I mean, I've still never even had a real relationship or been taken out on a real date! But for some reason, 2010 was when the guys decided to start coming out of the woodwork. I have a couple of pretty good theories as to why, but let's just say I had opportunity in the last year to learn a hell of a lot about myself when it comes to men, sex, dating, etc.

I accomplished a whole hell of a lot of other awesome things in 2010 as well, most of which I didn't write about because for the past seven months or so I've had no motivation/passion to write in my blog. Now it's coming back to me along with the motivation to do a lot of other things I didn't bother with that make me happy. I feel like I've shed a skin. It is good.

I don't make new year's resolutions because if I'm not gonna do something then making it a new year's goal is not gonna change that. If I make a goal, I'll just make a goal. No I'm not planning to quit smoking. No I'm not going on a diet. Deal ;-)

My favourite thing of 2011 so far is that I have started dating a man who so far is pretty full of the awesome. Yay!

Happy new year n' stuff!

Buy me birthday presents! LOL

Love M

Water Fairies

2011-01-16T00:18:00.000-05:00

My water tastes like shit. I've been hanging out with a new friend lately and he has a magical water fairy who brings him fresh water from a local spring, collected and delivered himself. It tastes... alive. No idea how to describe it but it's awesome and now regular tap water tastes like metal :-(

Love M

Happy 2011

2011-01-02T02:58:00.000-05:00

I'm alive!

<3 M

Wanna Buy Some Art?

2010-11-09T11:29:00.000-05:00

I'm putting in an order for prints of this painting so I thought I'd put it out there and see if anyone else is interested in buying one. This is a mixed media piece but using mostly acrylic paint. If interested, leave a comment or email me.

<3 M

Free Art Course!

2010-10-07T22:50:00.001-04:00

<3 M

Fridge Shame

2010-07-15T18:27:00.000-04:00

Here is a photo of the inside of my fridge taken moments ago without touching anything. You can tell I'm not lying by how filthy it is in there. Sunny's last blog post is what prompted this little sharing experience and I'm thinking it would be nice if someone else out there who is reading this might like to do the same on their blog... and so on.

I don't think anyone could possibly have a dirtier fridge than I do, seriously o_O

<3 M

I'll Fucking Rip Your Throat Out

2010-07-13T20:10:00.000-04:00

Do you ever get so irritated you feel that way? I sure do. When I'm dealing with stress, especially when I'm out, I sometimes get so irritable I can't stand it. I become hypersensitive to noise and my tolerance for stupidity plummets. The feeling is so severe that I sometimes feel like running and screaming out of whatever room/situation I'm in... or at the very least, saying 'shut the fuck up already!'

I've learned skills to cope with this kind of thing, but when it gets severe like that, it's all I can do to hold on to any semblance of composure, though I'm sure everyone can see the extreme irritability all over my face - I'm a horrible actor.

Tuesdays tend to be the worst days for this as I'm up early and out the door by 9:30am and off to sit for two hours in a room full of other BPD sufferers and have group therapy. I then have lunch in a crowded hospital cafeteria and head to another type of therapy group for another two hours where there are way more people stuffed into a small room. If I'm lucky, I get to call it a day at 3pm, but at least every three weeks I have to go downtown to a pub and run a writer's group meeting (after an already long day) from 6:30pm up to sometimes 11-12. It can be almost impossible some of these days to not go completely insane.

Oh the joys of hypersensitivity...

Thank the gods this Tuesday business isn't permanent O_O

<3 M

How I See Myself

2010-07-12T23:15:00.000-04:00

I abhor the way I look in photos. I don't mind photos of myself where I see some semblance of how I appear to myself in the mirror... it's when I have no control of the photo... when someone takes my photo and I see it.... it freaks me out in a severely unhealthy way. Yes, I know this is delusional... the person I see in the mirror is a perception of myself - the photos I like of myself are similar to what I see in the mirror... the photos I hate are probably the ones that actually look like me. Yet, when I see these photos, I am quite literally horrified and sickened. I can't even see beauty in them, I see something disgusting, a blog that takes up entirely too much space. It's kind of like seeing a horribly disfigured monster... no semblance of me in there, at least not the me I know.

Yet, people (so they claim) find me attractive, beautiful even. I don't get it. This is not a pity party, this is me trying to dissect this whole thing and figure out why I have such as drastically different vision of myself on both ends of the spectrum. What I see in the mirror seems to be a more positive projection of who I am, while photos of me seem to be a more negative projection - I have reason to beleive that how I'm seeing myself in these photos is an extreme magnification of what I perceive are my flaws. I'm not saying that the photos don't look true to life, I'm just saying that judging by the intensity of my reaction to seeing them, it would make sense that my brain is playing some tricks on me.

Honestly, I don't think I ever see myself the way others see me in the flesh, and I don't think I ever have. Back when I was thin, I thought I looked/was fat; now that I'm fat, I have no idea how I look because how I see myself in the mirror changes all the time... even as often as hourly.

I just don't get it. Seeing a photo of myself shouldn't bring me to tears - that's some serious issues.

So what is the answer? Is there even a answer? How the hell can it be so confusing? I pretty much look the same all the time (like most people) so why can't I just SEE myself in the same way? So fucking depressing.

<3 M

End Of An Era

2010-05-30T23:13:00.000-04:00

Back in the spring of 2009, a project called 'Vulva' was started by a couple of ladies who met on Suzi Blu's Mixed Media Art ning community: 'Vulva' was to be an online magazine run equally by all of us but right before it went public things went awry and 'Vulva' was never born.

Some of us still had an itch to continue with the project and after a lot of deliberation, Ms. Sunny Crittenden recruited the best of the best to get started with what became the online magazine 'Buttercup.' I don't know how it happened, but it was as if this new group of people were a perfect fit to work together and I think that is the main reason why being part of 'Buttercup' was more fun than anything else.

After Sunny worked her ass off, the zine was launched in September of 2009 on Ning and was like no other publication out there: articles were published by all of us throughout each month and conversation was encouraged. We had a forum and a ton of groups on almost any topic you could think of. We even held chats a couple times for our humble, awesome little community. Our focus was on diversity, creativity, and female topics, but ultimately I think it was about people getting together making each other think and having a hell of a lot of fun while doing it.

Buttercup published 8 issues, its last was April 2010 when we had to make the very hard decision to put the magazine to bed, mainly due to a bunch of new shit Ning pulled, including the fact that communities were no longer to be free. We had a good run of it, did a lot of sharing and making friends, and I know I speak for all of us when I say I'm proud of what we accomplished and am glad I got to work with eight very awesome, very crazy individuals.

So this post is basically a goodbye to 'Buttercup' - it was awesome. Thanks to everyone who read our articles, participated in our community, and supported us along the way.

Thanks to Sunny, Blake, Lexi, Jade, Jax, Katie, Anastacia, and Annie - I'll miss our Wednesday night meetings, no where else will I ever find conversation so full of shit (literally), boobs, menstrual blood, and penises. I wish you all the best of luck in your future projects - I know they will be great.

*cue the sad music*

Love M.

Doll Parts

2010-05-28T15:57:00.000-04:00

Sarah and Alyssa covering 'Doll Parts' at This Ain't Hollywood - awesome night.

Love M

Ohio Dairy Farm Brutality

2010-05-27T12:21:00.000-04:00

http://www.mfablog.org/2010/05/new-mfa-investigation-ohio-dairy-farm-brutality.html

No one likes hearing the truth, but if you're going to ignore it then what does that make you?

Love M

The Summer Is Tricksy

2010-05-22T19:20:00.000-04:00

I don't like the way my body/mind plays tricks on me during the light half of the year: what I mean is, every spring I start to 'come back to life' - I wake up from depression and low energy, I start to feel good and I start to really live the way I try so hard to live throughout the entire year but never seem to be able to during the dark half of the year. This is, of course, wonderful. The bad part about it this particular year is that never before have I worked so hard on improving myself than I have this past year and things are starting to really come together for me, slowly but surely. My worry is whether or not it is only because it's spring and not because my hard work is paying off. If it's only because it's spring, then I'm bound to fall once again when November comes around and that would really really suck because I'm so sick of the struggle. But if it's not just a coincidence, well then that's a huge deal for me.

After severe anxiety, worry, and fear I finally FINALLY started going to the YWCA to exercise. I almost passed out from panic just going there to sign up. But something strange happened when I actually went to the gym to work out - as I was working my poor neglected muscles/body, I came to the realization that I was actually enjoying myself... I've told myself my whole life that I hate exercise, that exercise and I never got along, that I was born that way. This is true in a way: I was, since birth, a very sedentary person, preferring to live in my head rather than do much moving. But now I realize why I thought I hated exercise so much that it was making it next to impossible to start and keep to any kind of regiment: I have osteoarthritis and fibromylagia - both of those diseases are about pain, pain, and pain. I'm in constant pain. So whenever I've tried to exercise, it hurt like a bitch! No wonder I didn't want to do it. Turns out though, that if I stay away from the high impact stuff (cause that damages my joints and makes my disease worse) and make sure I'm not hurting myself in the "bad way," then it's actually enjoyable! It still hurts, but it hurts in the way that it's supposed to hurt, the way exercise hurts any normal healthy person, that wonderful burn that tells you you're making your body stronger. I actually like exercise, who knew?

I'm very eager now, I want to do so much, so I'm having to force myself to take my time so I don't overdo it and hurt myself or set myself up for failure. I wish I had discovered this years ago, but you can't change the past. So far I'm spending an hour at the gym three days a week. Next week I'm going to start adding swimming (like aqua therapy, water jogging, etc) to my routine. Eventually I want to be working out at least five days a week and I'd like to do some of the yoga and pilates classes they offer as well. What a huge breakthrough for me!

I've been terrified for quite a few years now of starting any kind of routine in my life because in the past I have always failed and after so many times failing, you start to feel defeated and hopeless. I haven't had structure in my life since I was in high school, and even then it wasn't very structured so I'm having to relearn how to do it in almost every aspect of my life. I have severe "all or nothing" thinking, so that poses a challenge all on its own - it's like learning to live from scratch in a way. But I have a kick-ass therapist and she suggested having a plan for failure: a simple concept yet I never thought of it. I always thought I should just be able to pick up and start again if I failed, but it's not always that simple, and having an actual plan to follow is such a great concept and makes me feel more secure in being able to succeed.

So there's that.

In other news, I love plants. Every single spring for years and years I attempt a garden on my balcony and every single year I kill my plants. In the past I always thought it was because I end up neglecting them when I get depressed (which is true too), but this year I've realized, sadly, that I kind of don't really like gardening, and I'm kind of not very good at it lol. I wouldn't say I have a brown thumb, but I'm having to accept that I should stop trying to have a damn garden and just buy the organic produce from those who know what they're doing. I have a few plants out there now so we'll so how those do, but after this, I'm gonna go steal Sunny's tomatoes ;o)

What else is going on... my best friend is moving to another city :o( This is really hard for me, really really hard. A year ago I would be in bed crying all day and night planning my own demise over this, but I've grown a fuck-tonne and I will be okay. It's going to be hard though, he's more than just a best friend, if that makes any sense. And I guess after a year and half I should meet the girlfriend... I'm kind of proud of us though - we managed to stay close friends after all the turmoil and heartache and through such difficult circumstances when it really would have been easier ultimately to go our separate ways, we knew the value of our friendship and chose the path less traveled in order to keep each other in our lives. Who knew it could be done? The hard stuff is still not over yet, but I think the majority of it is definitely behind us. Here's hoping the future rewards us!

Love M

Baby Got Back

2010-05-07T13:29:00.000-04:00

K I feel like writing so here we go.

On the subject of FAT...

I am. duh. I was a chubby little girl until I hit puberty, at which point I naturally thinned out. To tell you the truth, I didn't really notice: as far as I know, I thought I was the same size the whole time (chubby or even fat, even when I was not). So anyway, I thinned out and was pretty damn hot (looking back, of course you never realize it at the time - don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?). I still thought I was fat though, not huge but definitely "big boned," which is why dieting was always in the back of my mind, always always always. Looking back I can't beleive how sick that was, that I thought I was fat when I was so not: I was damn fine and healthy too. Nonetheless, I remember putting a picture I'd cut out of a magazine on the fridge of a super skinny model - inspiration to lose weight, I said.

So then what happened? Well, first of all, at some point along the way ( think I was either thirteen or fifteen but can't remember at the moment) I "discovered" emotional eating. Well I didn't know that's what it was at the time, but I discovered it nonetheless. Luckily it wasn't something I did too often and it didn't effect my weight too much, probably because I was still somewhat active and healthy. It's no coincidence that this discovery of emotional eating came around the same time as I was becoming unknowingly depressed. I won't go into what was going on and why that added to the depression but just that it was something I was unaware of, I just thought I was weird and super sensitive (I am both those things, but I was also depressed lol).

What's weird about being depressed in my house is that every single person in my family has some mental disorder or another (usually various) but no one said anything to me about possibly being depressed, nothing. Not sure why, but I've always been a bit bitter about that. Back to the topic.

Now, when I was somewhere in my mid teens I fell disgustingly deep in love with a good friend of mine. This caused me a lot of turmoil and inevitably ended in heartbreak for me. How badly was I hurt? Let's just say I only just got over it a few years ago, and I am currently twenty-eight. I got so depressed (still didn't know I had depression btw) that I eventually left my job and school (on the same day) and slowly but surely began shutting the world out, becoming a hermit, pretty much.

And this is where that wonderful thing called emotional eating came in handy. I embraced that coping mechanism, consciously knowing that I would probably gain weight and not caring (because what's the point in looking and feeling good if you don't see any hope for the future?). With the mixture of inactivity and emotional eating, I, of course, did start gaining and I still didn't care. I'm sure I cared on some level but at the time I was too depressed to care. That's how hopeless I felt.

I eventually got to the point where I started to suspect there might be something wrong going on and made an appointment with the doctor. This is when I found out that I did indeed have depression. They diagnosed me with bipolar (because I would go into deep deep depression and then mania) and anxiety and gave me some pills.

By this time I had a full-out eating disorder and was discovering that even though I didn't want to gain weight anymore, it was starting to become out of my control (that's the best way I can put it I think). And I was still depressed. And I didn't know how to get control of my eating again, I just thought I was weak and pathetic. I kept gaining weight.

Then, in my early twenties I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and osteoarthritis. No wonder physical activity was so hard, I thought I was just lazy. Try and lose weight when you're severely depressed, have an eating disorder, and have physical disabilities. Right, sounds fun eh?

So I became double the size I used to be - the size of two of me. And trying to lose weight the whole time by dieting dieting dieting and trying to exercise. The dieting wasn't so hard as the exercise, for obvious reasons, but the mental turmoil one goes through when struggling with body image issues is a sickness I wish upon no one - yoyo dieting, all diets that are extremely unhealthy, for years. None of them worked. Diets don't work. I knew that, I knew it had to be a permanent lifestyle change, but by then I was so deep into the cycle of punishing myself for failing by starving myself, then inevitably binging out of starvation and comfort. I now understand that this becomes a mental disorder that only gets worse.

And so I kept trying and the harder I tried, the more weight I gained. I know that doesn't make any sense, but if you're in such a sick cycle it just keeps making you sicker and making things more distorted and eating away at your self-worth and that forbidden comfort food becomes no different than a drug addiction. The only difference is that you have to eat, which makes it harder to avoid.

And that's why I'm fat. Mind you, I don't think being fat is necessarily bad - we all have some amount of fat on our bodies, it's just when you have too much that it can take a toll on your health. If I were able to lose weight (let's hope so!) I wouldn't want to be skinny, I'd want to be pleasantly plump, as they say. That's just me.

There are many judgments about fat people, and I can understand why: it's a simple scientific formula - burn more calories than you consume and lose weight. Unfortunately, when an eating disorder develops, when there's severe depression going on, when physical activity is limited, this simple formula is moot. Don't tell a fat person to just stop eating because you never know if they're like me and get anxiety attacks just walking into the kitchen because they don't want to have to eat but know they need to.

Ultimately I'm not trying to make excuses for myself because that does no one any good, I'm just explaining how I got where I am and why I'm here.

Some days I feel absolutely disgusting, nothing but a blob of grossness that no one would ever want to look at. In fact I've stayed in many times because I thought no one should have to look at me. Sick, no? Some days I actually feel kinda hot, like yes I'm fat but I'm still damn sexy bitches ;o) Both of those are true depending on who's looking. So what others think doesn't really matter. There are plenty of men who love fat chicks, it turns their crank, but at the end of the day, it's me whose opinion matters and I'm not comfortable being as fat as I am. This goes for aesthetics as well (and especially) health.

While it's true that you can be relatively healthy and fat, there are still things going on inside your body that are not good - things have to work harder because of the extra weight and that puts stress on important processes, resulting in adverse health effects. Thinking about what my body is going through makes me sad, I want to be healthy.

I was at a level weight for a few years, but in the past year I have gained a lot more weight (yes, another severe heart break by a man I love) and this has accelerated my distorted thinking about eating and my body and all of that good stuff. But some really good stuff has happened in that time as well: I finally started seeing a therapist (I know, after being depressed most of my life you'd think I'd have gotten one sooner, but that's a whole other story of woe) and she is fucking awesome. I've been in a DBT group (Dialectic Behavioural Therapy) as well, which has helped me so much. And in about two weeks, I will be starting in an eating disorder program at the hospital.

If this doesn't help me, I don't know what will. I recently went to an information seminar for getting gastric bypass surgery, determined that this was my only hope, I fully intended on going for it. But after the information session, there was no way, I was really disappointed at finding out what it's really like and that the only thing getting that surgery does is help you lose a bunch of weight really quickly (the way you would on a fad diet) and you have to change your lifestyle by eating right and exercising anyway, the same way you would without the surgery. There is no difference, well, except for all the serious health risks and permanent sacrifices, etc. I could get the same results going on a shake diet for a few months and then dieting and exercising - I think I've already tried that lol.

Just learning DBT skills in the past six or so months has already helped me immensely with how I deal with food. I'm hopeful that the next six months, plus my therapy, plus the next year in an eating disorder group will be just what I need to get healthy. I'm tired of everything being about my weight. Just the fact that I would never tell anyone the number on the scale tells me how shameful it makes me feel, cause as some of you know, I'm not the most private person, I tell all! lol I would like to think, after being rejected by a man, that it's because of my horrible personality and not because I'm fat :op There is some truth to wanting that, trust me.

I've learned a lot through the years of being in a fat body...

I've learned the importance of not judging someone by their looks. I've learned that it's still okay (socially acceptable) to say hateful things to or about a fat person, to discriminate against them for how they look. I've learned that the media is disgusting. I've learned that people can eat well and exercise and still be fat. I've learned that they should stop making polyester/nylon clothing for plus size women because it's the most unflattering, worst possible fabric for anyone with curves, lumps, or bumps. Oh, and I've also recently learned that there are ingredients in most of the food we buy, such as high fructose corn syrup and MSG that actually effect the body in a way that negates the scientific formula of natural weight loss (calories consumed/calories burned) - it is really sad to find this out because there are some people who try so hard to lose weight and they are unknowingly consuming these additives, not knowing it is likely making their struggle pointless. I've learned a lot more, but I think I'm about done writing for now.

There was no real point in writing this, I just felt like talking about it so thanks for indulging.

P.S. Fat people need love too please :o)

Love M

The Living Dead

2010-04-25T00:38:00.003-04:00

(originally posted on trooth.info)

Stabbed Hero Dies As More Than 20 People Stroll Past Him

What is going on with society that we can stroll by a dead, bloody body and just keep on going? Is it fear of getting involved? Are they thinking 'well, someone else will take care of it'? Are they not observing their surroundings enough in order to take notice of a corpse? Or do we just not care? Take your pick - these are symptoms of a society in sore need to waking up.

We're afraid to get involved so we leave the job for someone else - but there is increasingly no one else willing to step up out of their cozy existence and get their hands dirty. We are so over-stimulated that we've just stopped paying attention: the media can take the credit for that one - rarely do we really observe what is around us in any way other than subliminally. Something tells me this same behaviour would not have gone on if it had been a puppy lying there in a pool of blood: people are becoming so dehumanized, exactly what Alex Jones was trying to convey with his ipad torture experiment. Our eyes are open but our minds are sound asleep - we're sleep walking ourselves into one hell of a living nightmare.

Observe. Describe. Participate.

Love M

I Can Haz Chocolate?

2010-04-21T21:41:00.000-04:00

I figure it's time for some sort of update as I haven't posted in a while. My mood's been low but I'm still kicking. I went through a couple of bad dating experiences in the last few months and it just deflated me. I don't handle pain well, ya see. Then again, who does? Right now I'm just trying to bring myself back up - I have absolutely no energy for most things and I just wanna go to bed. A couple of other really hard things have come up now too and my emotions are very confused and fragile because of it. So if anyone wonders why I've been acting crazier than usual, or why I'm doing fuck-all, now you know and hopefully forgive me. If you read this blog and wonder if the girl called 'Marylin' is ever actually happy, the answer is 'yes, yes she is.' It is only the fact that I do a lot of my blogging when I'm feeling down because I find it extremely healing - that is why this place paints such an angsty picture.

Now that that's out of the way... let's see what I wanna talk about.

Last Friday I went to two interesting stores with Jodie and Mike: first, Ways To Wisdom, which I've been to before, then, a Catholic supply store that I forget the name of down in the east end, which I've never been to.

Ways To Wisdom is a fun store if you're into spirituality and occult-type stuff, which I am. Aside from the ridiculously high prices, it's a great store - a lot of interesting books on varying topics and any kind of thing you might want, from herbs and candles, to jewelery and oracle cards. I found a beautiful set of cards but too much moola. Anyway, it was fun times.

Then to the Catholic supply store. This is a store that sells... well, Catholic stuff. Books, bibles, rosaries, pictures of Jesus, crucifixes, candles, economy packs of the communion host, and priest's robes. Not remembering where I was, the first thing I did when I walked in the door upon seeing a ginormous poster of Jesus's face was exclaim "holy mary mother of god!!!" This set the tone for the experience. The store clerk proceeded to administer dirty looks as we browsed and asked questions regarding each of our standing in the Catholic church. The judgmental tone did not go unnoticed when asked what church I go to. I nervously responded, feeling like no time had passed by since I was a kid being taught to be very very afraid and very very ashamed by the very adults meant to shape my mind for the future. Why the need to feel guilty for just standing there, examining merchandise? No need, just the natural way of things I suppose: the church can have a strong hold on a person, most especially those who grew up in it. My fifty-something year old father is still strongly affected by his attendance at Catholic elementary school - I've only been cut loose for a decade and a half.

I walked out of that store and noticed I was holding my breath. Wow. That is what I call powerful black magic. I found the experience of both stores interesting to in comparison and thought I'd share. I'm not saying any one spiritual path is better or worse than another, I'm just speaking my own experience. Though I will openly admit I am vehemently against organized religion that uses guilt and fear and any other cult-like device to keep its followers in control - I consider that a form of harm and therefore, bad karma. Not to mention it does nothing to allow for real spiritual growth. For me, I don't do religion, and this is just me, I'm not against religion per say (sp?), but I'm personally unable to fit inside a box. I'm spiritual, and that is good enough for me. I could talk on this subject forever so I'll move on.

I'll move on to somewhat political things... I guess I'm in the mood to discuss the un-discussable topics.

I don't know how many of you have noticed, but the world is going to 'hell in a handbag' at incredible speed these days. If you're keeping up with the goings-on of the world, you might have noticed things are pretty bad and getting worse. Some people wonder why I talk about conspiracies, thinking I'm a nut or something, but what I talk about is what I see and hear right in front of my face: I read the and watch various news sources, I learn about the history of what is going on, the history of war, the history of politics and religion and whatever else will help make sense of current affairs, I listen to the words and watch the actions of those in power and I feel the need to speak out about it, because I care.

What I don't understand are people who think that everything anti-establishment or anti-government is either conspiracy theory craziness or some sort of anarchy. This doesn't make sense. This is no different then a "conspiracy nut" who thinks that every single thing is a conspiracy. Different sides of the same coin. Either of these cases are ones in which the person is not being objective and if you can't be objective, you're not really going to find out the truth. It's the same as science: if you're only hoping for one conclusion in an experiment then you are likely to either ignore any result that does not fit your expectations or you're likely to steer the variables in the direction of your bias. It's just bad science.

Here is what I hope people will do: read it anyway. Even if you think something is ridiculous or the opinion of some nut-job, read it/watch it anyway. And don't discount everything that is not the 'norm' just because you disagree with some things that are not popular opinion. Opening yourself up to all view points makes for a much stronger knowledge base to go on. Don't stop learning. Be careful not to discount something just because it seems outrageous. Outrageous things do happen. Look at our history and you can plainly see that. I believe it was Galileo who was tried by the Inquisition, found "vehemently suspect of heresy," forced to recant, and spent the rest of his life under house arrest for suggesting that the earth was not the center of the universe. This is just a quick example but you get my drift.

And with that 'lecture' I will leave you with this bit of truth from an oldie but a goodie:

Okay and maybe a little George Carlin for good measure ;o)

Love M

You Love My Hair

2010-03-19T21:27:00.000-04:00

I feel like crap. Like I just want to shed a few layers of filth, pain or whatever it is weighing me down right now. I'm just so tired. I'm also disgruntled at the moment because people fucking suck. By people, I mean the men I bring into my life - why do they all despise me so? I'm sure it's my own fault, but it's ridiculous. If you don't like me, JUST FUCKING SAY SO - don't play games with me; don't brush me off and then find me when your dick gets hard or when you're bored, BE A FUCKING MAN. I know, apparently I have a tattoo on my forehead that says 'slut' or 'no I don't mind being walked all over' - or at least that's what men like to think. I'm so tired of being treated like less than human and I'm tired of writing in this thing about it because I'm not a man hater damnit, I'm just a magnet for getting hurt or something. And I'm pissed off because I was blown off by a friend yesterday and he doesn't seem to register that fact... oh I'm a perpetual machine of forgiveness and gullibility.

St. Patrick's day was interesting: went to open mic night at the doors. It was ok. Some guy was stalking me around the bar continually demanding that I come home with him to fuck - I think the poor guy needs professional help but I didn't appreciate the boob grabbing and whipping out of the dick... I'm sure he went home alone. I had my first green beer, watched some of the game on the big screen telly, ran into someone I haven't seen in over a year, made out with a hot chick who had really tasty lip gloss on, got about a million compliments on the awesomeness that is my hair, and ultimately met someone at the very end of the night who I hope is interested and doesn't turn out to be like every other fucking guy I meet. I guess I'll find out...

For the very few hours I was awake yesterday, I threw together this video about nothing for the purposes of practice and getting used to the camera, etc. I know I'm not photogenic at all but oh well. I really am a camwhore at heart....

Until next time, be good and be nice! (And thanks for letting me complain).

Love M

Thinking Way Too Hard About A Title

2010-03-16T18:41:00.000-04:00

Ugh, I feel like the bear being forced to wake up because spring is approaching and it's time to gtfo of the cave now. Well it's not a comfortable transition: I'm cold and tired and sore and I need a couple cups of coffee first, k? My sleep has been screwy for the last week or so. I tried to stay up today but had the wise idea of laying down and watching a documentary where a bunch of people perform Leonard Cohen songs, with him speaking randomly in between in that beautiful voice of his... that's all the lullaby I need. I woke and decided to practice the guitar more but got flustered cause I couldn't find any good videos to help teach me. I just wanted to learn the damn 'B' chord... that shouldn't be so hard, should it?

I was looking at my long neglected YouTube channel because I wanted to change my username since 'Lilith Kills' doesn't really reference much, I just think it's a cool name. Apparently you have to make a whole new account to do that so I don't think I'm going to. I have two videos on there and I'm thinking about making another one soon just for fun. No idea what I'd do on it but I'll figure it out. One of my videos is a sort of book trailer I made a long time ago to help promote my book and I thought since I could really use the money right now and I still have copies, that I'd share my cheesy video here and see if anyone out there wants to read some really good fucking poetry. So, without further ado...

Thank you, thank you :op

In other news, I ran into a friend from high school last week at This Ain't Hollywood, who now lives in the city so that is awesome - I need more females in my life, especially ones who aren't dipsticks. Speaking of TAH, all three bands were fucking good and I didn't realize Hamilton was harbouring such kick ass female rockers. I am pleased. I am also pleased (while we're on the subject of music) to announce that The Creepshow are playing The Casbah on the 31st and tickets are only $10 and I am very excited! We (Buttercup) interviewed them back in October '09 and I loved them as soon as I heard them. Hellz yeah.

I finished (for the most part) a piece that was inspired by Picasso in a way that I'm sure no one could possibly guess lol. I really like it but I don't like it so much digitally - it lost a lot of awesomeness through the scanning process, but I'll show you anyway:

I'm going to a life-drawing class next month - I've never been to one but the price is very cheap and I want to take advantage of the experience. I think it's going to be an ongoing thing so maybe I'll actually get good, ya never know! It should be fun, anyway.

I know I'm all over the place in this entry but I want to speak briefly about publishing: am I the only one confused these days about what having your book published means? Here is what I have always thought: To publish your book, a publisher buys your manuscript and pays you royalties. To self-publish your book, you design and print it (or hire someone to do that) and you make all the profit from sales (unless you've hired someone to market it or something). And vanity publishing is paying some company (usually way too much money) to do everything for you, usually relinquishing most of the creative and financial control. Have these definitions changed in the last few years? I realize reading the wikipedia definitions clarify, but in reality, I've come across many people who don't seem to realize the difference. I dunno, I guess it's just a stupid pet peeve and I wish the lines were more distinguishable/explainable. Sigh. It just reminds me of the damn poetry.com bullshit all over again.

Anyway, St. Patrick's Day tomorrow... not really a special day but I'm going to go out anyway and have a green beer because I've never actually had one before. I know, it's just beer w/food colouring, but still, it's green.

Okay, get lost now!

Love M

Too Tired To Title

2010-03-08T22:05:00.002-05:00

I. am. exhausted.

I totally lost it this weekend - something in me decided I didn't wanna deal with the pain I was going through (being reject #539 'er something) and so I didn't: instead, I pulled an old favourite and got myself and nice and wasted at around three in the afternoon on Saturday. Being drunk and angry just feels so much better than sober and pathetic and in too much pain to be conscious. I was quite trashed and decided I had to get out of the apartment, so, feeling nice and self-destructive, I narrowed my options and decided to head to Corktown to see Randy and Mr. Lahey (from the Trailer Park Boys). So I wobbled over there, flask full of whiskey hidden in my purse (and bottle of Ativan just in case?) and actually had a pretty good time - the show was funny and as drunk as I was, I remember some of it - even standing with the rest of the patrons to sing 'Oh, Canada' after the 'boys' poked fun at those silly people requesting the lyric change (it's not hard to feel at least a little patriotic after those beautiful Olympic games).

Anyway, after that a few guys I know from a band got up and played a set with a new band they're in (Radio Free Universe: members include fellas from Bombshell and the guy from King Clansey) so that was okay. Then closing time. That's where things got ridiculous.

Some dude asked if he could share the cab with me cause he lives just a few blocks from where I'm going so I said sure why not. That was a really stupid move apparently because all he did was get out of the cab at the same place as me and followed me into my fucking apartment building. So I was fucking stuck in my apartment lobby with this really creepy guy who wanted to come to my apartment with me and kept calling me a bitch cause I was saying 'no, leave' meanwhile trying to grope and kiss me. Then he drags me on the elevator! so I obviously refused to press any buttons cause I didn't want him knowing where I live (obviously). After I don't know how long (and after flashing me in said elevator) he got fed up with the elevator business and tried pulling me into a stairwell. But as wasted as I was, I was able to fight (thank gods). Oh did I mention he grabbed my keys from me and wouldn't give them back?

Finally after about an hour of this torture he left and I booted my ass up to my apartment and locked the doors.

The next day was a hang-over and that same yuckiness that was intolerable the day before, except this time no drinky poo (as Mr. Lahey would put it). I slept a good chunk of it away, then later on dealt with some unpleasantness and shed the damn tears I was trying so hard to avoid in the first place. What a train wreck. I'm pretty sure anyone talking to me lately thinks I'm a nut bag unless of course you already know me, then you already know I'm a nut bag. Well, at least I learn from it all, that's something.

So after little to no sleep last night I had to get up early for an assessment to get into the eating disorders clinic here in Hamilton. I pressed snooze at least ten times and felt like pure shit. The assessment consisted of me sitting in this psychiatrist lady's office while she asked me about everything from my childhood to my suicidal tendencies and everything in between for about two and a half hours. By the time we were done, I was completely drained and a little depressed because I had just talked about my life for two and a half hours and it was all really shitty stuff so it made me feel like I've had a really negative life.

As much as my apartment needs to be cleaned and that article needs to be written for Buttercup, there was no way. I slept pretty much all day and it was very much needed. And this is a big chunk of why I. am. exhausted. No wonder it feels alien when I tell people my age cause I sure feel like I've been stuck at 13 forever. I am so jealous of people who know how to live and people who know how not to fuck shit up and people who are reading this blog feeling sorry for me because they can't imagine being so miserably stupid. And now I'm starting to make myself sick with my whining so I'll move on.

I do have some positive things to talk about. I got a guitar! Sean brought it over about a half hour ago and I've decided to relearn. Yay! Maybe when I'm 40 I'll be a rock star ;o) I don't know how to read music - I learn by watching and listening because of course I like to do things the hard way. I used to know so many freaking songs - I knew almost every Hole song too! Damnit I wish I could remember.

What else, I needs monies. I'm usually good with monies but I'm so tight this month and it's a really bad month to be broke cause I have two writer's meetings and a few shows I just have to go to. Thursday I'm heading to 'This Ain't Hollywood' to see '13 Bags of Dick' and 'Allysa In The Apple Tree.' On the 20th I'm going to see 'Steel Mountie' at 'Bread And Roses.' 'Rackula' is having a CD release at the 'Casbah' on the 27th and I think that's it (I hope so cause I have no money! Please donate - I will show you my bra strap [no, I am not kidding]). I need to do my damn taxes.

Alright, here's hoping for better days ahead.

xoxoxo

Love M

Hey! I'm Blogging Here!

2010-02-26T23:24:00.000-05:00

Meh I just feel like writing random things. I'm having kind of a blah Friday night here with George (actually, it's just me, George is too cool to hang out with me so he's chillin' on the bed). Listening to the few tracks available right now by Evelyn Evelyn. Watched 'Capturing The Friedmans' whilst working on an art piece (believe it or not, inspired by Mr. Picasso, even though the actual piece really has nothing to do with him or his work... figure that one out... I haz artistic license bitches). Bob Dylan's on now.

I'm simultaneously gathering video, audio, and images of the good doctor (Hunter S. Thompson, of course) to put on a disc for future enjoyment. I just don't get tired of that man and his genius. He really is beyond fascination and more closely definable in spiritual terms... a deity... more important than sliced bread. Or maybe this is just the fixative fumes talking - they're pretty strong. The can says not to smoke...

I wish I had bought that bottle of wine after all.

Know what's ridiculous? The fact that the majority of us westerners live in perpetual preparation for the future, whether it be the next half hour from now, the next month, the next decade, doesn't matter, it's what we do. And we do this until we die, which means we've never really lived because we were too busy preparing. And the really dumb part about that is we're not psychic, we don't know exactly what is going to happen in the future and we all know that plans never go the way they're "supposed" to. What is the point of that? We live in anxiety, the giant 'to-do' lists dangling above our heads, telling us we'd better not (Steve Sinnicks now) waste any time because we have to get these things done first and then we can enjoy ourselves... lmfao I don't know about you, but I've never not had a to-do list. Sure I get stuff done - but more stuff comes up to replace that stuff I just did and there are always things on that list that sit there FOREVER, taunting me, making me feel bad, lingering at the back of my mind when I'm trying to sleep at night and meanwhile I'm wondering why in the world I have insomnia or why in the world I'm so tense.

Instead of wasting our very short lives worrying about what needs to be accomplished, we should be enjoying the fact that we're alive and actually LIVE. And sure, we can be a bit anal sometimes about getting stuff done, but I really think that should count for the minority of our time, not the majority. While I'm aware, lovely readers, that I'm far from the first person to point this out (Courtney Love now), these thoughts have recently made their meaning much more relevant to me and they are not just an important philosophy to strive for, so much as a major key in having a reason to get up every morning (I'm the kind of person who needs life to be meaningful, and if there isn't a real meaningful purpose or reason to live, well, that's just fucking depressing. I also know these thoughts cannot really be stated enough, we all need reminders.

Of course, all of this makes much more sense within a Buddhist, dialectic context: namely mindfulness. Okay, /super enlightening speil... now.

What else is on my mind as of late... men. I'm sure I'm going to get myself into trouble for something I'm about to say, but don't I always? I am, after all, the queen of inappropriateness (note the ego).

I've been really pissed at the male species these days because it seems to me, at least in my experiences, that men have the ability to find extra special ways of being douchebags. And I love men, I love men very much, and I'm not the type of person to typecast a whole group based on the behaviour of a few, but I am batting like, 99/100 here people. It definitely boggles my mind. (hey! fuck you Alexis On Fire! They only have samples on their MySpace page, pffft. Just kidding, love you George! But I'm putting on Sarah Blackwood now...) So anyway, I'm a big fat sucker. I get stung by men over and over and yet I keep coming back for more. Okay, maybe I am at least a little bit masochistic, but my tendencies usually go more along the lines of having my nipples pinched, not being lied to, used, blown off, etc.etc.

The only conclusions I've been able to come to are:

1. Men truly are so completely different than women, at least in the way they communicate, act, and often times think. Duh, we all know that right?
2. Men aren't nearly as brave as we think they are - muscle does not equal heart of steel and so they have many fears and anxieties (just like we do) which seem to be expressed in ways that tend to piss women off.
3. Why? Well I'm assuming it's because society conditions them to "be men" and not show fear. They're not encouraged to express themselves so how can we expect them to be able to? I'm not saying they're cavemen who can't communicate, I'm just saying that they're more likely to shut down or fly the coop if fear or difficulty arises.

On the other hand, there does seem to be a plethora of men out there who actually ARE fucking jerks. I hate to say it, but most of my friends are male and most of them are the ones confirming this conclusion. Like, lying to someone to get them into bed? Yeah, that's a jerk thing to do. Fucking jerk.

This line of thought doesn't really have a point, mostly because I have no idea what the moral of the story is, or how one can avoid the jerks or how men can all of the sudden learn to express themselves in healthy ways. I would like to add, however, that I'm fully aware that us women are nuts as well, we're just nuts in completely different ways then men... both sexes are fucked in our own special ways. But if you're a guy and you're reading this, what the hell man? what the hell...

P.S. I think there should be a 'Thank You' card or something like that for really really good oral sex.

Love M

Slightly Hung Over

2010-02-20T18:27:00.000-05:00

What I've learned so far in 2010...

Dieting creates eating disorders and in the long run they destroy your body and make you fatter than you ever were in the first place. It is far better to eat healthy, balanced, and consistently and lose weight slowly. Diets teach you nothing. They're the holy grail for people who feel out of control and grasp onto the idea that once they do 'so and so' diet, everything in their life will be okay again. Thank gods I now know this and am finally getting sane again after years of driving myself crazy. The other big key peice of knowledge - one day at a time. So yay I'm losing weight! Woot!

There is nothing wrong with letting people earn your trust - in fact, it probably should be earned rather than given right away to any Joe Blow one comes across. This may sound like common sense to most of you, but for me, that's hard to accept: I could never understand why I shouldn't trust everyone right away unless they give me a reason not to, and even then, I'd give them a few more chances. Now I know (hopefully) that opening myself up that much to just anyone makes it so much easier for them to hurt me. I guess there's such a thing as trusting too much too soon... who knew?

The world is made up of distractions, like static or distortion on top of what's worth living for. Most of us get caught up in the distractions, it's almost impossible not to because they're everywhere and they come in so many different forms: mindless entertainment, drama, sensationalism, love, hate, sex, fear, money, and on and on and on. Then sometimes the distraction stops for a moment or two and we feel right again, like we remember what the point of living is or what makes it worth it to each of us and we promise ourselves to not forget again, but we always do. I guess the goal would be to remember more often, and to practice living in that state of mind as much as we can.

Relationships are hard. I'm not sure why, but I think it has a lot to do with fear and dishonesty. People have fear and are dishonest because of it. We're each afraid of different things and we're each dishonest in our own way, but I think without the fear, the dishonesty would stop and relationships could start to be a more peaceful endeavour. Some of us are afraid to open ourselves up, some of us are afraid to get too close to someone else, some of us are afraid we're not worthy of love, some of us are afraid we'll be found out for the horrible person we (think) we are, some of us are afraid of being trapped,some of us are afraid of being abandoned, some of us are afraid without knowing why, and it goes on and on. So we're dishonest. We lie with our words, our actions, our intentions... we lie by omitting the truth or by not saying or doing what we know is the honest thing to do or say. We lie by denying our feelings. Even if we're not dishonest people, we are dishonest without even realizing it. It sucks, but it's the truth and it's what makes it so hard to have relationships with each other. Perhaps if we were all less afraid of things that are usually unfounded we would all be less lonely or alone. And definitely, if we were all less afraid, we would all stop hurting each other so fucking much. It really does take thick skin to put yourself out there into the world of dating.

I've learned a lot more than these things of course, but I'm tired so you're gonna have to come back when I feel like sharing more of my wisdom ;o)

Love M

formspring.me

2010-02-12T00:43:00.001-05:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/AgentM

No Grasp

2010-01-31T19:37:00.002-05:00

I really wish I didn't screw things up so damn easily.

Love M

Local Love

2010-01-07T23:09:00.001-05:00

(a work in progress)

13 Bags Of Dick
365 Things To Do In Hamilton
Act Locally
AGH World Film Festival
All Sorts Gallery
Art Gallery Of Hamilton
Arts Hamilton
Artword Artbar
Bad Luck Photography
Black Orchid Designs
Books & Beats
Busker Crawl
Ceilidh House
CFMU 93.3
Chester's Beers Of The World
Clean & Green Hamilton
Corktown Pub
David J. Widmann
Demonica de Morte
Die Standing
Directory Of Hamilton
Doors Open Hamilton
Doors Pub
Doug MacBean
Downtown Arts Centre
EcoFilmArts Festival
Festival Of Friends
Food Not Bombs
Forgotten Rebels
Frances Ward
Garbage Crawl
Ginger St. James
Great Little Place...
gritLIT Festival
H Magazine
Hamilton 24
Hamilton Artists Inc
Hamilton FreeSkool
Hamilton Harlots
Hamilton Indie Music
Hamilton Life
Hamilton Live
Hamilton Magazine
Hamilton Music & Film Festival
Hamilton Music Scene
Hamilton Poetry Centre
Hamilton Review
Hamilton Seen
Hamilton Theatre Inc
Hamilton365
HammerTown Pagan Pub Moot
Haunted Hamilton
Haven Botanicals
here. Magazine
Horror In The Hammer
Imperial Cotton Centre For The Arts
INDI 101
James North Art Crawl
JR Digs
Kirby
Klass n' Hachey
Lakeport
Mark Leslie
Matt Jelly
Mayday Magazine
Michael B. Davie
Mustard Festival
My Hammer
Open Streets Hamilton
Pagan Pride Hamilton
Peace Cafe
Pearl Review
Proud Hamilton
Punk Crawl
Rackula
Rose Keefe
Sky Dragon Centre
Steel Mountie
Steeltown Sirens
Steve Sinnicks
Stolen Change
Subterranean Collective
Teenage Head
That Guy...
The Barettas
The Brain
The Casbah
The Cat'N'Fiddle
The Factory
The Pearl Company
The World According To Rob
This Ain't Hollywood
View Magazine
Where Heads Meet

It's All Over, Baby Blue

2010-01-02T01:21:00.000-05:00

Does this make sense? I'm antisocial yet lonely all at the same time - it's an oxymoron, I don't understand. Which brings me to my new year's eve: I assumed I would be spending the night right here with George and the other lonely internet people but was asked by Jodie to hang out. I deliberated and though I felt that staying here and not "doing anything" would be my best option since I can often feel my sadness/loneliness more acutely when I'm around others (depending on the situations and people) but I decided to fight the urge to avoid. As much as it can be extremely difficult for someone to get up and go somewhere/do something social when they're feeling down, it usually ends up being a good idea. So this is why I was "smart" and decided to just go for it.

This turned out to be one of those times where staying in alone would have been the better plan - how was I supposed to know? So that was annoying. Although who knows, perhaps I would have gotten myself all sad if I'd stayed in. The thing is, I've become really good at distracting myself from dwelling on unpleasant emotions, which is why I either wanted to stay home alone, or go somewhere where there were a lot of people and mayhem for a different kind of distraction, or of course, have someone come over and sweep me off my feet so to speak (yes I like to fantasize).

So that was that. I got through it. And I quite literally slept straight through January 1st - just woke up around 10pm.

Just in case you're wondering, the reason I'm all melodramatic about the holidays/new year's eve is because it is a time to spend with your loved ones. Not only do I not have many people in my life, but those I care about most are not with me, but with others. Therefore the loneliness is exaggerated and who the hell wants that? But it's done now - let's move on, shall we?

I don't really do new year's resolutions because if I'm going to make a resolution, I don't need to wait until the beginning of the year - that's what Mondays are for ;o) Obviously I need to work on relationships and lack there of and of course my health, which fucking sucks and drives me crazy and I wish I could trade this body in for a fresh healthy one damnit. Not that I hate my body, but that I hate how malfunctioned it is. As for hating my body, I'm pretty sure I've got BDD but I'm hoping some stuff I'm doing is gonna help that. The brain is a crazy/powerful mother fucker.

Anyway, there's always stuff to work on - that's what we do in life, we grow and then we die and hopefully we enjoy the process.

In other news, I just found out that I have been wearing the wrong bra size for almost a decade, which explains a lot - wtf. So I'm actually a DD or E cup, NOT a D cup. Damnit. Time to get some new bras. Time to get all new clothes actually, since my lovely cat George thinks it hilarious to cover all my clothing in his white fur so that I can never get a date and become an old, lonely cat lady. I swear to god he has some magical fur that makes it impossible to remove! He's lucky I love him.

Enough rambling for now, I'll be back when I have something good to say.

Love M.

P.S. The new issue of Buttercup is here - join, read, socialize, and love it. New articles added daily.

Boxing Day

2009-12-27T17:01:00.000-05:00

This is the reason Christmas wasn't a complete bust:

Also, cause Don came over for a bit and I got to give him his present. And there was wine and Ativan and chocolate. And I got a pink and black playboy bunny blanket from my younger brother (the father of the cute baby girl); slippers, and herbal tea. My mum got me modeling clay, scratch tickets, and Chapters gift certificates :o) Tim gave me some canvas and a really fancy shmancy pen that you use to write with or to do fine details with in your art.

So yeah, Christmas is over, thank the gods, and we're almost done new year's as well. Until then, not much going on around here, kinda bored actually. I'll probably sit in front of my puter with a bottle of wine for new year's eve - we shall see. I'll have my own little LOFNOTC party.

I spent most of boxing day sleeping and internet window shopping for sales - ended up finally upgrading my toy collection. I was going to go for books since I got the gift cards, but there were no good sales. I watched two movies I've never seen before: '8 Mile' and 'Just Friends' - interesting combo. '8 Mile' had a lot of good stuff in it, but also some crappy stuff. But now I can finally compare the movie with 'Clueless' - another big movie that Brittany Murphy played in. My verdict is that 'Clueless' was the better movie, had a bigger cultural impact, and that Brittany's performance in this film trumped her performance in '8 Mile.' On a side note, the sex scene in the factory was really hot.

The other movie, 'Just Friends' was kinda... cute I guess? I expected more from it for some reason but I'd say it was probably more corny than the average corny chick movie. But I definitely related to Ryan Renold's character as the geek who is ever in the 'friend zone' - always the friend never the girlfriend. I've also been known to play the part of the friend with benefits... just never the girlfriend.

I need to think of more good movies to watch.

Oh, P.S. I WANT THIS! (NSFW)

Love M

Christmas Morning

2009-12-25T12:58:00.000-05:00

Thank you Jeeesus for being boooooorn."

Yeah, right. I'm listening to South Park Christmas songs to brighten my mood. I don't think people should be sad on Christmas if they're not dwelling on sad things and trying to focus on the good things - it doesn't seem fair - but for some reason, here I am, feeling like shit (though a lot less shitty than I did earlier). I started feeling down the day before Christmas eve and it has progressed from there. I guess it's a bit inevitable - I'm lonely so I'm going to feel it a hell of a lot more now than I would on any other day of the year. I know it's really just another day, but to be realistic, it's not - you know it's not. It's a time to spend with your loved ones: it stopped being a religious thing for most people a loong time ago. You can try to think of it as any other day but trust me, I've tried that one, it's almost impossible. I can even hear my neighbour enjoying her loved one right now.

I do have one very special thing to look forward to today, and that's my fourteen month old niece, Amelie. I'm going to try to focus all of my attention on her, after all, it should be about the young ones - it's a magical time for them, especially before they realize they want STUFF. I'm pretty annoyed that my camera won't work so I can't take any pictures of her, but hopefully one of my brothers will. I'm also really looking forward to Don coming over later.

I just need to get through to January 2nd and I'll be alright. New years eve will be hard, but who knows, maybe I'll have someone special to spend it with next year - gotta stay positive right? I'm looking forward to writing 2010 rather than 2009 - yes, I am a nerd, we know that.

Ways I have tried to cheer myself up today: singing, putting on make-up, watching Bush say dumb things on YouTube, came three times, did a half smile, and listened to South Park Christmas songs. See? I try, lol. Emotional disregulation sucks. Feeling incredibly lonely sucks. Loving people way more than they could possibly love me back - well, that doesn't suck in theory, but it does when you're not very high up on anyone's list of people to care about, such is my case. Being a downer and writing depressing things on my blog sucks. Okay, I got that out of my system. Oh, I forgot to mention that I am also PMSing.

Remember kids, you can suck all the dick you want and still be virgin.

Love M.

K, Tell Me What To Say Next

2009-12-19T23:05:00.000-05:00

Yeah I kinda felt like writing a post orgasmic blog entry - what can I say? My mind is clear at the moment. Who, reading this blog right now, thinks my previous sentence was inappropriate, gross, perverted, tmi, or anything along those lines? Is that something any decent human being would say out loud for anyone to hear or read? If you are a man reading this, do you imagine me to be easy, maybe slutty, something like that? Not the kind of girl you would take home to mom? Girls, is that something you would ever share? These questions aren't rhetorical, I'd love to hear feedback on this because I'm continually perplexed about how people make their judgments and what society in general deems 'normal' or 'decent'.

Women, for one thing, fit into two categories for your convenience: I am either a madonna or I'm a whore. A madonna-kinda gal would never have such sexual thoughts or feelings and wouldn't show an inch of cleavage let alone talk about her desires. But the whore, she'll give it up to anyone, any place - she wants you to see her as purely sexual, without brains, dumbed down for your convenience and she has no shame so she doesn't care who knows it. I liken this to the belief in good and evil, of God and the Devil (I'm sure this will offend some but I'm also sure I've already accomplished that so I'll proceed) - Believing in an absolute anything such as a being that is solely 'good' and a separate being that is solely 'bad' is no different than calling a rainstorm 'all bad' or... I'm currently unable to think of an 'all good' example that is simple enough to use but the rainstorm will suffice because we all know that rain serves its purpose and without it there would be problems, but we also know that storms can be dangerous, they can start fires, etc. I think it's safe to say that it's impossible to label anything as 'good' or 'bad' because nature (the world) doesn't work that way.

Nothing exists in the world that is absolutely positive or absolutely negative, nature is balanced and it's pretty cool. To believe in an 'all good' God and an 'all bad' Devil is to go against nature and that wouldn't make much sense now, would it? And doesn't it say somewhere in one of those bibles that God created man/the world in his (ha!) own image? If that were the case, not only would God have to possess some 'evil' by default, but would he not also be a hermaphrodite? Anyway, you get my point, I hope.

Following this logic, can any one woman fulfill the madonna role or the whore role? Think about that when you make your judgments. And also think about which ideal you'd prefer: do you want to marry the madonna? The one you can take home to mom, the one who will be saintly and behave herself and be proper and of course sleep in a separate bed... or do you want to marry the whore, the one who you need to hide from decent eyes but who will make life pretty fun and exciting, and will be up for a lot of fun in the sack...? Obviously you can't choose just one because to have one without aspects of the other leaves the person lacking what you need in a partner. I'm not saying there are no people out there who take on way more of the 'whore' role than the 'madonna' role and vice versa, I'm just saying that the more realistic version of a woman (or man!) is a healthy mixture of the two: a gal you can have an intelligent conversation with, who can meet the parents, and who can also make you roll your eyes to the back of your head. People jump to judgments quite naturally - it's what you do with them that matters: society does not make up the rules of your personal belief system and if it does, that is sad. No one is stopping you from being aware (or are they?).

And while I'm on this train of thinking, I'd like to add FAT DOES NOT EQUAL UGLY. "Nothing's either good or bad, but thinking makes it so" and if society/the media has brainwashed you into being repulsed by someone who takes up a little more space than you do, you might want to rethink the reasons why you react that way. Fat person gross, Iranian person terrorist, lawyer crook, black person thief, southern person stupid, blond person bimbo... yeah. It's that whole absolutes thing again, there's no. such. thing.

Coming full circle, I'll conclude that as a writer and a female (who grew up going to Catholic school) I've always struggled with censoring myself when it comes to what I can or cannot say - always resisting the urge to go a little further (not to push any envelope, but because it's what my muse is insisting) because of the whole 'what WILL they think!?' thought in the back of my mind. I don't want to do that. I don't want to be fake, I don't want to suppress myself, I don't want to go half-ass (especially with something as important to me as writing), I don't want to live my life according to what others expect of me or what others feel comfortable with. So, if I make you uncomfortable or if I evoke any strong judgments in you, I only ask that you take a moment to consider why you have these kind of reactions.

"I define nothing. Not beauty, not patriotism. I take each thing as it is, without prior rules about what it should be." --Bob Dylan

Love M.

Pitter Patter

2009-12-17T23:50:00.000-05:00

This always happens: I go too long without updating my blog and I've forgotten most of the interesting stuff that has happened to me. Oh well, tis life. So NaNoWriMo - I won that. Yes, I wrote over fifty thousand words in thirty days, who knew? I will definitely be doing it again next year, but this time I will have an outline. For some reason, my muse decided to write a story that had just one character - one! Needless to say, it became somewhat difficult around the third week to come up with more to write. I eventually had no choice but to throw in another character and that saved me. Week one and two went smoothly, I got behind in week three, and in week four people would not leave me the fuck alone and so I ended up having to write my last twenty thousand words in a fourty eight hour period. It turns out my story could actually be good if I attempted a second draft. I'm gonna let it sit for a while though.

The holidays are here again and I've already resigned myself to the fact that it's gonna suck the same as it always does and the only way I'm going to get through with my sanity intact is to let nothing bother me. If I let stuff bother me, I'm doomed and you will have to hear me boo-hooing from now till new years about my psycho family, what little of them there are, how it sucks to be alone during the holidays, especially when you know a certain someone is spending the time with someone else and to put more salt in the wounds, there's new year's eve - I will likely be sitting here in front of my computer as usual. I don't think it's horrible to spend new years alone, but it feels pretty lonely and feeling lonely sucks. I think I said I wasn't going to throw a self pity party but it seems I just did :op Sorry kids.

I never say this but I'm going to now - it would be nice to have someone damnit. Preferably a man ;o)

Okay enough of that nonsense.

I am no longer a member of Think Haus - the hackerspace that a bunch of us started back in April. Yeah, I can't get there transportation wise, and I'm not paying a membership fee for something I can't be a part of. I won't get into the other reasons, politics and whatnot, but as of now, I'm not as busy on Tuesday nights anymore (except for the writer's meeting nights). It's kind of nice having one less thing on my agenda - I hate juggling too many things, there's a reason I can't work a regular job ya know.

Don came over tonight and we saw something that made him laugh hysterically for a good ten minutes:

This is Paul Martin being very excited... the photoshop possibilities are vast. W looks pretty pleased about something himself, who knows what.

I can't think of too much else to write about at the moment. I got a webcam and I've been having a lot of fun with that, though I have yet to talk to anyone with it, webcam chat or whatever you call it, not sure if I will either but that could be fun I guess. Make my own porn maybe? Nah, I'm not very photogenic.

Mwa!

Too much to say and not enough. I will be back.

Love M.

Tastes Like Vegetable

2009-11-06T20:44:00.001-05:00

Right, so for the past twenty seven years I've been asking people to try to tell me what various kinds of seafood tastes like, since I've never tried any due to a deathly allergy (see last blog post). I've asked people to compare it to other foods, texture, flavour, anything, and never has anyone been able to do it. So I decided that I'd write my interpretation of the different seafoods I try along the way. You never know, maybe there are others out there who have had the same allergy and just want to know what they're missing.

Last night was my first ever in my life seafood tasting experience, courtesy of Don:

Shrimp. The kind in the freezer that's already boiled. I reluctantly took one and held it for a while until I was sure it wasn't going to kill me. Then a sniff or two. Then a lil' lick. Then a nibble. Then a proper bite. "Hmmm... it tastes like.... a vegetable of some sort!" My first impression of shrimp is that it tastes quite like some sweet vegetable, a cross between a snow pea and celery or something like that, but very light. The texture was different, this is the hardest part to explain: it was on the verge of being crunchy but it wasn't, and it was on the verge of being rubbery, but it wasn't. If I had closed my eyes and eaten it without knowing what it was, there's no doubt I would have said some sort of vegetable because of both the flavour and the texture. Verdict - s'not bad.

Then I ate some that had been cooked in garlic butter. This was a completely different story: the texture was different, more chewy like meat is. The vegetable-y taste was quite a bit less and the shrimp took on some of the garlic butter taste (which is, of course, delicious). My verdict on the cooked version? I like. It made me want to try it done in lots of different ways - all those dishes in the Chinese food take out menu (95% of the menu really) I want to try.

As predicted by the allergy specialist, I had no adverse reactions at all to the shrimp. So now I know for sure. Weird. Two things I'm excited to try are lobster and scallops because I've always thought they looked so yummy. Weird how something that I've never tasted in my life can look yummy - what does yummy look like?

Love M

Holy Fuck Nuts!

2009-10-30T10:13:00.001-04:00

All my life I've had a deadly allergy to all seafood and fish, therefore, in the twenty seven years I've been on this earth, I've never tried any type seafood or fish - nothing.

When I was a kid I was allergic to all nuts, but it wasn't a deathly allergy. Eventually I was able to eat almonds, and then eventually I was able to eat all nuts - the allergy went away.

So, logically it made sense to me that if my nut allergy could go away, perhaps my seafood allergy could as well. I didn't have high hopes for it though, because I figured if an allergy is strong enough to kill you, it's around to stay.

After too many years of procrastinating, I set up an appointment with an allergy specialist to see what was what. I just got home from that appointment and here's what happened:

He asked me a bunch of weird questions, then pricked both my arms with various pricky thingies. After a few minutes, my left arm started to get itchy and red bumps where I got pricked. My right arm had no reaction.

Then he told me that my left arm was fish (like halibut, sole, trout, etc.) and my right arm was shellfish (shrimp, lobster, crab, etc.). He also told me that I was never allergic to shellfish in the first place, EVAR. Just the regular fish. He said I can eat all the shellfish I want and not have a problem (and always could).

That's fucked!

I've never, in twenty seven years, tasted any type of seafood. I have NO idea what it tastes like. I've asked people to try to explain it to me so many times but they never could. It's been hard not being able to eat something that most other people eat all the time - missing out on something like that sucks.

I'm kind of pissed off that I was misinformed for all these years, but I guess mistakes happen. Anyway, this feels really weird to me, the fact that I could eat some shrimp right now, that I can do that O_O

I feel like a virgin about to be deflowered! LOL - srsly! What the hell do I try first? How do you cook this stuff? Eeeee!

On another allergy note, since I was a kid I've had an allergic reaction to dark chicken. Just dark chicken, never white chicken. When I eat dark chicken, my throat and mouth get really itchy and swell up - it's uncomfortable but not deadly. My parents thought I was making it up to get out of eating my food, but I sure as hell wasn't.

The only thing that made sense to me is that dark meat has way more fat in it than white meat, so perhaps it's something in the aminos or whatever it's all called.

The allergy specialist confirmed that there is no such thing as an allergy to just dark meat and not white meat. So now I'm extremely confused because there's no doubt about it, I'm allergic to dark chicken! Maybe it's just another weird fact about the oddity that is Marylin.

Stay tuned for my take on what it's like to try all the different shellfish for the first time - I'm excited! What do you think I should try first?

Yay!

Love M

Hey Obama! This Is The Real Pandemic

2009-10-28T01:26:00.006-04:00

Well I just posted about this on Buttercup, but it pissed me off too much not to blog about.

In a study of 4th-grade girls, 90% were on some type of diet.

This is what I know: 4th grade girls are about nine years old; they are generally prepubescent; they have A CRAP TON of growing left to do (women don't stop growing till late in their teens), and in order to properly develop, you need proper nutrition.

Just touching on the physical part of this, diets are about rules and restriction, usually excluding one kind of food or another or trying to eat a lower number of calories and/or fat. What do you think this would do to a child's growth? Kids need all kinds of food and plenty of it - they need their carbs, their fats, their proteins, their vitamins and minerals and yes, even their ice cream cones. Their bodies need it, so I am afraid to even ponder the repercussions of this sad statistic.
If you think I'm nuts and it's perfectly fine for a child to diet, then check this stat:

In 1992, the National Institutes of Health held investigatory hearings and concluded that diets do not work and may even be dangerous to one's health.

Now let's move onto the psychological implications. These girls are dieting for a reason, the reason could be that their parents put her on this diet, or maybe she's just copying what her mother does (as kids tend to do), maybe she feels fat, ugly, not up to par with whatever ideal nine year old girls look up to today (I shudder to think). Whatever the case, some of these children are not happy with their bodies and some will end up being unhappy with their bodies if they stay on this track. I don't know about you, but when I was a wee girl I didn't really think about my body in any terms besides 'this is my body and it does stuff.' I never looked at it, or parts of it, and felt a need to change it. For most healthy children, I think that's the case - we have no reason to start comparing shapes and sizes as long as we can run and jump and skip and enjoy being nine.

These poor girls don't stand a chance. I'm sorry, but how healthy can a child's self-esteem be if they are dieting? It's a hard, long road ahead for a girl who has the misfortune of being uncomfortable in her own skin before she's even had a chance to fill it out.

What this says about our society is literally deafening because people sure aren't hearing a damn thing. Kids should be busy being kids and not worrying about diets. Considering how mentally trying the diet game is (and if you've been there you know what I'm talking about), imagine what it does to a nine year old girl.

Alright, so who's going to fork up the money to pay for all the therapy these children will need when they get older?

1.2% of people in America with H1N1 have died.

18-20% (roughly) of people with eating disorders die. Where's the state of emergency for this pandemic? Srsly.

Love M

NaNoWriMo 2009

2009-10-26T00:43:00.003-04:00

I went and did a silly thing: I signed myself up to be a participant in NaNoWriMo 2009. Part of me wished I'd decided to do this a lot earlier so I'd have a good amount of time to figure out what the hell I'm gonna write about, perhaps an outline of some sort? But it wasn't until a little less than a week ago that I decided to 'just go for it already!'

I've been aware of the basic idea of NaNoWriMo for at least a few years now - it's hard not to hear about it when you socialize with writers on a regular basis - but every year I forget about it until the buzz once again begins and it's almost sign up time. And every single time, I say something along the lines of "oh I'll participate next year so I can be more prepared." Yeah right! So it dawned on me that if I continue to say "maybe next year" I'm never gonna do it. And if I can't do that, what the hell am I doing?

The idea is much less daunting than I'd imagined - the hardest part sounds like word output. 50,000 words isn't impossible, but a bit over 1,500 words a day looks a lot smaller than it is! Oh well, bring it on! I guess it's probably a good thing that I signed up so late in the game cause now I barely have any time to freak out about it. I can see how easy it would be to scare myself out of this, or scare myself into panic and end up with horrible writer's block, eeesh.

So I've got my official NaNoWriMo page - feel free to add me! I even created a separate windows user account called 'NaNoWriMo' that is set up for as little distraction as possible - just me and Word. I think I'll use that account from now on for writing. I just now saw the demo for the desktop version of Write Or Die and I really really want it - it's tons better than the online version and it's only $10 - that way, I can cut off access to the internets in my NaNoWriMo user account. I'm gonna sleep on it.

My main concern for this project is that I'll have a lot of other shit to do in November and stress out about doing this and a good chunk of the experience will be lost - I'm doing my best to get what I can done before the weekend to ensure this doesn't happen. I'm a busy girl!

But what I'm most excited about is writing a novel! I'm well aware that what I submit at the end of November will not be a publishable, if even readable manuscript, but it will be 50,000 words or more that I can work with, edit, and draw from after November to complete something I can be proud of.

As for what I'm going to write? I have no idea! I have little to no plan right now and it's both scary and liberating. I will be using an unusual method to figure out what story I'm going to tell - I'm going to use tarot cards (and or some other interesting oracle) to create my outline. I haven't figured out the details yet, but I think I'm gonna do it tomorrow so stayed tuned! I recommend any writer invest in a deck of some sort because as odd as it sounds, they're a writer's best friend.

I'll try to keep updating as I go along, and have a word tracker thing-a-ma-jing so you can cheer me on.

Wish me luck and do not disturb :o)

Love M

Wish List

2009-10-17T23:11:00.022-04:00

<3 M

Mostly MiniSoOnCon

2009-10-10T21:41:00.002-04:00

I's sick. Yes, sick. As tough as my immune system is, stress is a killer.

I think I'm sposed to be sick though, as odd as it sounds, I needed a break from responsibility. It doesn't take much for me to get overwhelmed as it is, and lately my life has been becoming busier and busier.

So my body is now forcing me to rest and I'm resting to the best of my ability! Unfortunately I missed the Supercrawl because of this, which sucks much ass, but it was out of my hands and I'll just have to go to the regular art crawl next month.

Where was I? I can't write when the music is blaring and I have been having to play music as of late to drown out certain other noises (no no I'm not hearing voices in my head lol). I won't go into detail except to say it sucks and I'm too tired and sick right now to do anything else. Ugh.

Anyway! Some of the stuff I've been up to in the past month...

Last Friday was MiniSoOnCon at Think Haus! I wasn't going to go because I would have to go solo and I'm very shy and introverted and all that fun stuff. But I went anyway and was pleased to see that most of the other guests in attendance were just as shy and introverted as I am! I've never been to a hacker conference before so the sight of a room full of people sitting quietly, looking at their laps in complete silence was both hilarious and refreshing.

It did not remain that quiet all night though: once people started to get to know each other and of course get some alcohol into them, it was pretty good times! A lot of people showed up. People from Diyode (from Guelph), HackLab.TO (from Toronto), KwartzLab (from Kitchener), think|haus (from Hamilton,of course), FouLab (from Montreal), as well as other hackerspaces and someone even came out from Rochester! So yeah I met a lot of awesome people and we managed to get hackers from all over Canada to come out to our humble space.

We had a yummy bar-b-que, despite the bad weather, and a well stocked bar - I don't remember the bartender's name but she was awesome.

We had (what I now understand to be a hacker con tradition) really cool frikken badges. I mean, I saw these things being made at the space and didn't quite get it until the finished product was presented:

The picture doesn't really do it justice - but it's awesome and everyone in attendance wore one.

According to what I've been told, the tradition is to hack your badge and see who can do the coolest thing with theirs, which, I suppose, is why our lounge area was filled with drunk people soldering - mhmmm, unfortunately I don't have a photo of that madness.

See that little house there? That's the Think Haus logo. Don made that! He is awesoma powa.

Paul (TH) graced us with demonstrations of the long awaited http://www.emotiv.com/ - the thing reads your mind maaaan! No, srsly, you put it on your head and it detects your facial expressions, eyeball movement, emotions, thoughts, actions, and "can be used to control not only a virtual environment, but also a live environment through the help of micro-controllers and actuators."

I love this thing, the implications get me very excited!

The other cool thing going on was the arrival of the CUPCAKE Makerbot (3D printer). It wasn't assembled until the next day of the con, so since I didn't make it that day, I didn't see that, but here's a video cause I only vaguely understand why this is awesome:

That lovely gal is Leigh Honeywell from Hacklab T.O. and the fella behind the mic is Wayne MacPhail giving us awesome coverage.

Isn't our space da bomb? It's been being "fixed up" for four months and is now officially a workable hackerspace.

I wish I could have taken pictures myself but my camera is acting wonky.

Needless to say it was awesome (especially considering Think Haus is only four months old!) and I'm looking forward to it next year.

What I did find interesting was the very small percentage of females in attendance: Adina and I from TH, Leigh and Alex from T.O., the bartender gal, and maybe one or two others (I mean no offense it's just my memory sucks right now). Then a crap-load of mens. I love mens the best, but it begs the question, why? Where are the geeky gals? I know you're out there! Come over to the dark side, we have beer! (and cookies, and cupcakes!).

This little MiniSoOnCon attendee is on the right track!

zomg she's cute!

What else... Oh Tetro! haha

Hamilton just had a film festival called Festitalia International Film Festival. I know, it aint TIFF, deal. Riley and I went to see a film called Tetro, which turned out to be an okay movie. The best part of the night? Discovering that Jackson Square cinemas got brand new seats for the event! Yay! Clean theater seats! And they're slightly more comfy too, woot!

Anyway, that was fun, next year I wanna try to see more of the films. Hell, next year I might go to TIFF.

Before that, I went away to Parrysound to stay at someone's cottage for four days. I LOVE going there, it's so relaxing and peaceful surrounded by nature. Last year upon arrival, as soon as I stepped out of the van all my heartache and stress dissipated and I was at peace the whole time I was there. Of course it came back when I came home, but at least for that short time I was at peace.

I expected/hoped for the same this year, especially since my stress this year is quite a bit less than it was last year, but no such luck. I was at peace, but there was still things nagging at me in the back of my head. I'm pretty sure I know why now but all in all it was a good time. I swam in the lake and it was COLD! but very clean and refreshing. I paddled a rowboat all by myself *proud grin.* I made a smore (I love love bonfires) and did some meditating and crocheting. Yep.

There was also The Locke Street Festival followed by Pagan Harvest Festival: the former was too crowded and hot, the latter was pretty cool, very peaceful, lots of shady areas to chill.

I got a great tarot reading from Franco Minatel - he did a reading for me a few years ago but I didn't recognize him until he started reading my cards.

The day ended as the very bright sun was making its way below the horizon, with all joining a circle for a little closing ritual, which was quite nice.

Then I went home and got drunk with Tim lol.

That's it that's all I'm done.

Alright, bugger off then.

Love M

I Swallow You

2009-09-24T22:40:00.000-04:00

Opening up is such a risk. There's the possibility of feeling (appearing) stupid. There's the possibility of rejection. Of wrecking something already good. Of misinterpretation.

If you let me, I open up so wide I end up swallowing you. You may like it at first, for a while, until you realize you've wandered into some vast place too real and too raw to exist in without completely turning yourself over to it. Too intense. Too much love. Too much love?

Weird. I never in my life second-guessed that loving someone has its limits. Where was I when this information was divulged?

To be honest, I still don't believe that's the way things should be. If I think and feel like a twelve year old girl I will get cut over and over again because everyone else has "grown up" and I have not. I still think love can be earth shattering. I still think love can conquer all. I still think there's no such thing as loving someone too much.

Yes, it may scare most people, to be approached so abruptly by something that is socially unacceptable (an open heart). It is the norm to be as closed off as possible and only open up ever so slightly when you're SURE it's safe.

People pledge their hearts to each other in "holy matrimony" with hearts open to each other three-quarters of the way at most. That's so sad to me.

But it's exhausting. Exposing yourself is exhausting. And I still have no fucking clue what I'm doing. I just know that I will always give more than I receive because I am socially unacceptable.

I love you.

Love M

Gross Negligence

2009-09-05T22:00:00.002-04:00

I'm very sore and tired but happy because I got a lot done today. Things seem to be settling down a bit so I'm just getting back into the groove of it all - blogging included. I feel icky when I go too long without blogging.

This summer has been interesting, weather-wise, and it's almost at an end. I've done a whole lotta work on my self in the past few months and it's been rigorous stuff coming out of my comfort zone. But I'm doing good and I'm only getting better from here.

I've been working on a top sekret project with Sunny and six others since before the summer and it's finally come to fruition: The Buttercup E-zine's premiere issue came out on September 1st and has been going very well so far.

What it is is an online community (forums, groups, chats, photo sharing, etc. etc.) that publishes articles throughout the month and allows a platform for discussion about those articles. That's part of what makes it unique.

We offer a female-focused (male friendly) atmosphere, 100% bullshit free, diverse, creative, and growing by the day.

Anyway, I'm loving it. You should join too ;o)

(Man, it's hard to blog and eat corn on the cob at the same time. Hard, but not impossible!)

I'm not really sure what to say right now, so I think I'll just apologize for the neglecting of the blog and mosey on over to Buttercup and see what people are talking about.

Be good!

-Love M.

Emotional Hemophilia

2009-08-05T23:15:00.001-04:00

I'm using notepad to write this due to LiveJournal having erased my damn blog the other day, right when I was done typing it, but before, of course, I had a chance to post.

I currently have zero drama going on in my life (thank gods) and nothing immediately worrisome or depressing going on.

That feels nice. Freeing.

Now I'm left with me to deal with! I'm doing a good job, considering, but I have a nagging feeling of... I don't even know... it's just unsettling.

Like, what's going to happen now?

Anxiety about the next thing that will trigger me because I know too well it kills me everytime: it's very black and white - right now I feel happy and hopeful... tomorrow, depending on what happens, I could want to kill myself (knock on wood).

A feeling of being lost, having no footing, being unsure of my self/life, feeling scattered and unfocused.

Oh the joys of mental illness.

The only explanation that comes to mind is that I'm undergoing such drastic change in my ways of thinking, behaving, and believing that I'm not sure who or what I'm becoming... unfamiliar territory.

That's an awesome thing. If I'm wrong, then I really don't know what's up. Do anxiety disorders have to be triggered by situations or can anxiety arise on its own accord?

That could be it. Who knows.

In other, not so unrelated news, I'm finally starting the DBT group next Tuesday. I've been on the waiting list for a couple of years for this! DBT is apparently the make or break therapy for people with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I used to be very bitter about not having had this therapy before... before any damage to my relationship(s) was done. But now I realize that whatever happened, happened because I needed to go through certain things and to learn certain lessons.

A bitter-sweet realization, but better late than never.

Anyhew, it's a thirteen month long intensive group therapy - two hours a week with a group and one hour a week with my therapist one on one. Lots of homework in between.

I'm really excited but a little nervous, to be honest, about walking into a room full of women who have the same illness I have... I wouldn't even be able to handle one of me, let alone a group of me! But I know I'm just being silly ;o)

Along with the DBT stuff, I'm also working with an Al-Anon sponsor and have been going to meetings.

Since I've started doing this, I've learned so much about myself, others, and a lot of things that apply to my life as both a person affected by alcohol and a person with BPD.

All I can say is I'm growing daily and my life is already so much better after only a few weeks.

I can only guess how much growing I'll do for the next thirteen months as I do the DBT and Al-Anon... they're very similar actually.

Okay, enough mental stuff! I'll re-touch on some of the stuff I wrote the other day that LJ erased...

In March, I asked my subscribers to vote for my friends sunnybananas and 4bit4 (aka Sunny and Blake Crittenden) in the Hypercube contest.

The contest was a seemingly cool attempt to market their 2009 Nissan Cube using nothing but social media (twitter).

Fifty creative Canadians had a seemingly fair chance at winning and Sunny and Blake were among those fifty chosen.

I'm a lazy gal, so if I didn't believe the Crittendens to be exceptionally worthy or winning a car, I would never have posted about it on my blog, or spammed multiple online venues seeking votes for them.

They worked their asses off for months during the contest, I know how much time, effort, and energy was spent on their part: putting their lives on hold in the belief that this was a fair contest.

So by the time the judges were ready to announce the winners, most of us assumed either Sunny or Blake, or both of them, would be coming home from the event in a brand new car.

When that didn't happen, we were left scratching our heads.

These two entries in Encyclopedia Dramatica explain quite well why shit went down the way it did: A simple case of the worst execution of a marketing competition I've ever heard of, to put it lightly.

http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Hypercube
http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Hypercube_Aftermath

Read it, it's a good one.

Speaking of Sunny: You're one tough lady! I'm glad you're doing okay (considering) and I hope they gave you a strong enough cocktail to not be in too much discomfort, and to hopefully get a decent high ;o) You are very loved <3

Completely random thought: I wish there was a healthy diet that didn't require counting, weighing, portioning, etc. of the food.

And shame on you, Winking Judge, for having the worst service I've possibly ever had the other night:

I arrived around 6:45pm, ordered a drink, and sat down.
The waitress eventually came over and asked if I wanted to order food, to which I responded that I would wait a bit, since my friend had yet to arrive.
At 7pm, friend arrived.
At 7:45pm, we were both wondering when in the world the waitress was going to come and take his order (yes he'd been there 45 minutes and no one had served him!).
So he decided to go to the bar and get his drink.
At about 9:30pm after we'd both long finished our one drink of the night and felt quite invisible and disgruntled (and hungry!), we concluded that we were not welcome.
I went to pay for my drink (no tip of course) and the waitress actually forgot that my friend had already paid for his drink.
We left, puzzled and not buzzed.

So folks, from 6:45pm to 9:30pm (two and a half hours I believe), we were approached by the waitress once and once only. She never came to our table. The place was empty. She was sitting and reading a newspaper!!! Horrid.

Anyway, to top off the lovely service, I went to the washroom and there was no fucking toilet paper in the stall.

We are going somewhere else next time.

Love M

The Dragonfly

2009-07-24T14:51:00.001-04:00

Just for fun the other day I decided to have an impromptu tea leaf reading. The image I saw was clearly a dragonfly. What's cool is that what it says about the dragonfly totem fits for my current situation! I love when stuff like that happens.

Anyway, here's what it said...

..."Dragonfly also teaches us how to combine emotion with rational thought. Dragonflies in the early stages are known as Nymphs and spend most of their lives in the water. They are voracious predators which indicates that Dragonfly can also help one to eat away at anything in our lives that is out of control. They are especially helpful for addictions of all sorts including the more "well known" addictions such as overeating, drinking to excess or drug addictions. Yet procrastination, over spending or maxing credit cards to the limit, daydreaming, overwork and so forth can all be addictions that rob one of the ability to create a balanced, fulfilling life. Most if not all addictions are due to suppressed emotional energies and traumas that are being compensated for through the addiction. Overeating for example can be a "medicine" for feeling unloved and Alcoholism "medicine" for depression. When Dragonfly appears it may indicate that there are addictions or other problems/pests that are "out of control" in your life that need to be examined and resolved. Often the main issue will not always be what it appears to be on the surface, it is important to peer beneath the emotional waters so to speak in order to understand what is really happening!

Once the Dragonfly has emerged as a winged adult, it conquers the air through its swift flight. This indicates that working with Dragonfly energy may also help you come to some swift conclusions or new insights that help propel you into new ways of being and doing. Certainly it is a most important time for seeing through illusions and really hearing the messages that the Universe is sending you at this time. Beliefs that centre on powerlessness, limitation or fear are likely to be up for review and release. You always have the power to choose what you are going to believe in and focus on You always have the power to take action of some sort that will help change your current circumstances for the better. Working with Dragonfly medicine shows that you are ready to step beyond the mass thought of blaming "something out there" for your problems and instead are now getting down to the business of accepting responsibility for what happens in your life by making the appropriate changes as you feel guided."

"...When Dragonfly appears be ready for transformation! This is a long cycle that can take up to 2 years or more and yet the work and effort are well worth it in the end. At times you may feel like you are firewalking your way through life (Dragonflies are really mini Dragons after all!) and yet what is emerging from within you is a sense of your own inner power and faith in a Higher Power that no one can ever take from you! You are in the process of coming to know and understand who you truly are, of connecting with the vast source of power and energy that was given to you by Spirit at the time your Soul came into being. This power has grown within you as you have journeyed through space and time. Now is the time for it to be claimed as your own so you may step forth renewed as the powerful Soul that you came to this earthwalk to express! "

(source: http://morningstar.netfirms.com/dragonfly.html)

Love M

Over The Edge

2009-07-23T12:29:00.000-04:00

Gya, I've been feeling so wretchedly anxious! That disgusting feeling in the pit of your stomach that drives people to use, drink, eat, fuck, sleep. It's very uncomfortable... it's a mixture of worry and fear magnified and seems to come too often when there's no purpose for it.

It's no fun feeling like throwing up for no reason... kinda dampens the day.

It's not that anxiety doesn't have a source: I have my reasons for being anxious - in fact, I've pinpointed my current reasons (or so I think) and still I feel this anxiety.

I want to retreat to my bed with my cat and dissolve into seclusion but that only leads to being more depressed... it's a lovely downward spiral that is too easy to fall into.

Deep breathing doesn't seem to be doing much either, which pisses me off because I've been told do to that when anxiety comes.

Take a pill or two... it works wonderfully most of the time. But I don't want to have to pop a pill - I want to have a solution. What to do about feeling anxious so that I actually don't feel anxious. The pills are a dream. A blissful one, but still not real. They help me cope - much like booze, drugs, sex, food, etc. except they're prescribed so I guess that makes them different (ha!).

Fixing the issues that are making me have anxiety is an obvious solution, but not an immediate one. Perhaps I should slip into a meditative state until my next shrink appointment?

Or I could bitch about it right here on the interwebz. It takes the edge off ;o)

-Love Marylin.

C'mon Boots!

2009-07-20T23:37:00.000-04:00

these boots were made for walkin'
and that's just what they'll do -
one of these days these boots are gonna

walk
all
over
you.

-Love Marylin.

About Stuff And Things

2009-07-19T22:47:00.001-04:00

I was just telling my friend earlier that blogging has pretty much become one of my coping tools. That's a pretty cool thing: before blogs/online journals/forums/what-have-you existed, this level of sharing didn't exist to us. There was no way (as far as I know) to write a journal entry and let the world read it (or at least the few wonderful people who subscribe to me).

Some people think that doing so is stupid. Whatever floats your boat, but I've found blogging to be not only cathartic, but probably the most effective tool I have to get through a time of distress.

Anyway, so many blog these days, there must be something to it...

So! I got Akoha in the mail!!!

(Yes that is my address, and yes I do want you to send me mail... friendly mail, that is!)

Anyway, I'm very excited. sunnybananas told me about Akoha Cards and I finally decided to get them. As far as I'm aware, it's an interactive game where the point is to pay-it-forward and the more you do, the more points you get.

These puppies come at a time when I'm feeling the need to be more generous, so I think they'll probably help push me into that frame of mind. Yay!

My only concern is finding people who will 'play' the game. If I use one of the cards on someone, I give them the card and they are supposed to go online and enter the code to indicate it was given to them and they have to pay-it-forward to someone else, and on it goes. The problem is I don't know many people who would be into actually doing that: putting in the code and then paying-it-forward. I dunno, it's probably cause most of the people I know are male... I think gals seems to be more open to this kind of thing.

Sooo now I'm just figuring out where to start :o)

Oooh, shiney new deck:

Don't mind me, I haven't gotten anything good in the mail in a loooong time - I was hurting!

In other news, my first attempt at guacamole was seemingly successful - I thought that shit was complicated to make. Nope.

My next new attempt in the kitchen will be, I believe, biscotti. I don't know why, I just have this compulsion to make biscotti *shrugs*

shrinkingalice asked something on Twitter about wands today. Got me reminiscing... brought out the wand I made a few years back (that's really how long it's been since I've used it) and after admiring the awesomeness of it, realized I'd grown out of most of these sorts of tools.

Anyway, I told her that wands are used (in a nutshell) to direct energy. To which she replied "so does it make the energy more powerful than just pointing with your hand or something?"

No. No it does not, lol. And if that is the case, than why do people use them? It's not just the wand, but a plethora of other such tools that every new Witch feels he/she must have.

That's pretty normal. Paganism, in it's huge growth spurt over the years, has gotten quite complex in its many paths and traditions: to try and learn them all would take a lifetime, and each one (some more than others) is so intricate and complex in its many beliefs, rituals, pantheons, and special tools or sacred objects it is quite mind-blowing.

Don't get me wrong, I love that. When you're first starting to learn you just absorb all the information you can. You buy books and (especially books for beginners) these books tell you what tools you will need and (hopefully) what those tools are for.

You certainly don't need any of them, but acquiring them does no harm either. You love your cool witchy stuff - who doesn't? I wanted all the tools too: I slowly acquired many, most of them second hand or made myself (like that wand).

If you're not just a show-off, a lot of these tools have uses and that's the main point of having them: the wand aids in directing energy. It represents air. Using a wand to direct energy does not make it more powerful, but it can greatly aid in the visualization necessary to direct said energy. Knowing this, many tools can be a great thing for the those starting to learn and practice.

I reached a point in my path where the 'stuff' involved in this way of spiritual practice started to turn me off. I would step back and look around me and see the Pagans showing off their stuff, selling their stuff, buying more stuff, stuff, stuff, stuff.

I'm sorry, but there comes a point when enough is enough and so much stuff gets distracting and in the way of the actual spirituality of it all.

So I say, tools: very cool, especially good for learning how to work with energy, but not at all necessary.

We have a Pagan Pride Festival here every autumn that I used to attend. But I started to notice that most of the actual festival was people selling their wares! So much vital stuff was missing that goes to the root of what Paganism is about. Very depressing. I don't go to the festival anymore.

Anyway, I guess I'm trying to say that material things should really be in moderation lest they become more important than your spirituality.

I'm probably going to catch a lot of flack for saying this, but the Pagan community has come off way to 'religiousy' for my liking. I grew up Catholic and left organized religion for very good reasons. By no means do I wish to be part of another. That's why I never called myself Wiccan - Wicca is a religion, a Pagan religion, but a religion nonetheless.

I think I'm now rambling and likely lost my point somewhere along the way.

Hmmm I'll close this rant by saying: you already have everything you need to practice spirituality and to be connected. You always will. Everything else is just extra.

My wand is full of awesome.

What other random topic can I go on about...

Oh! This.

Is art.

And this...

is an artist.

And I...

have art envy.

Love Marylin.

Ladies Don't Show Anger

2009-07-16T22:35:00.001-04:00

Hmmm. Sometimes, when I'm doing well, I feel as if it's only a matter of time before sadness catches up and contains me. I'm not being emo, I'm just saying, I'm doing okay right now, on the right track it seems, but I feel so fragile - afraid of the next trigger - I don't know how to overcome such intensity.

Maybe I'm not supposed to fight it? Maybe if I accept it as part of my experience that sometimes I'm going to get really fucking sad and I should just take from it what I can. That sounds fucked up though. Too many questions, not enough answers...

The man I love is with another woman and I am reminded of that regularly because he's my best friend and I've chosen to stick it out with him. That's like living with a constant raw wound. It does get easier to cope, but when the pain comes, it still feels as fresh as it did when it began. But I've chosen that sacrifice. Accepted one pain rather than another. I don't recommend it. But I don't regret it either.

It will be okay though, somehow. I just hope she realizes how lucky she is.

And I'm filled with anger and resentment. I realized this not long ago, how pissed off I am in general. I've never been an angry person, but I am filled with it now. I'm angry at the people (the men in particular) who have treated me disrespectfully. I'm especially angry at myself for allowing it, even inviting it, unknowingly.

That won't be happening anymore. My eyes have been opened. Find yourself another doormat/victim.

Apparently, it's sort of good that I'm angry: it's given me the motivation and desire to start pushing/fighting back.

But the resentment that comes with the anger? What do I do with that?

If I allowed you to treat me a certain way and I now decide that was wrong and I won't play that role with you anymore, does the relationship end? Or does it continue in a new direction? And how can it continue in a new direction when I still feel so much resentment toward you? And how can I be so resentful toward you when I played a part in it too?

You are choosing the pursuit of a brand new love interest who happens to be my best girlfriend. If what we did have together had been healthy, this is still pretty fucked up territory - I'm thinking that me being bothered by this is quite called for.

Let me think for a minute: If I had something with a guy and decided (without so much as a word) that I wanted to hook up with his best friend instead, would the guy be upset? Well, unless he had absolutely no respect for me in the first place, he would be quite perplexed.

I think I'm angry right now and I think I'm going to say, in my anger, that is not cool.

There is a reason the resentment keeps popping back up, no matter what I do, it comes back, and I think it's for the simple reason that I have been fucked over. Makes sense?

I also have a hard time dealing with the knowledge that what I thought was a solid friendship turned out to be something not so real.

How do I begin to come to terms with it? The only thing I know is that after someone hurts you over and over, you should really stop giving them the opportunity.

I want my friends to be happy. But I also want my friends to be my friends and not expect me to be okay with things that no one but the Buddha himself would be okay with. I don't even fully know what I'm saying, but I'm saying it lol.

I feel like it's only a matter of time before people get sick of my emotional incoherency and leave me so they can be happy... wtf does that mean?

Having to second guess yourself all the time really makes it difficult to gain confidence ya know.

But I'm not gonna end this entry on a sullen note cause I'm not all tears and fears - I just tend to write more when I'm down.

I'm going through a ginormous learning/growth period and good things seem to be happening. Well, a lot of these good things are disguised as bad things, but I can recognize them for what they are.

I just keep having to remind myself to calm down and take things moment to moment, otherwise I'll lose my way in a big tangle of my own thinking. Mindfulness.

I am ever humbled by the power of the brain - I think the trick is to work with it, not try to take total control of it, if that makes any sense.

So grateful for my friends,

Love M

First, You Have To Pinpoint Your Delusions

2009-07-10T22:55:00.001-04:00

Jodie and I ventured out to the Hamilton Cemetery today to walk around. I've always loved cemeteries: so peaceful and full of stone art.

Fun fact: The oldest of the Municipal Cemeteries is the Hamilton Cemetery at 777 York Boulevard. It is not only the oldest municipal cemetery in Hamilton but is, in fact, the oldest municipal cemetery in Canada. (hamiltonhistory.ca)

It's eerily humbling to think that a hundred years from now, I'll be dead and buried and the only way I'll really be remembered is if I make a mark on the world in some way. Even our grave stones fade, are consumed by the earth, and forgotten.

I think I'd like to make a mark or two.

I planned out my entire funeral in great detail when I was much younger. It was a big to do lol. What an odd thing for a kid to do with her spare time... I wish I still had that notebook, that would be an interesting read.

Anyway, one thing I always said I wanted was a very big, very beautiful statue to mark my grave - what an ego.

This one was quite striking. You can't tell from the picture, but they eyes on this lady are freaky - they look like they're staring into your damn soul! lol

Fun fun!

Or maybe today's excursion was a salute to death: the death of a lot of bullshit ways of thinking, thus acting, that I guess I thought I needed to cope... things I didn't even know I was thinking/doing.

Well you can't end something until you know that there's something there to end and then figuring out what it is, exactly - it just took me a while I suppose.

Lesson learned: you can tell a lot more about yourself (or rather, about how you feel about yourself) by your actions and reactions then you can by your thoughts and beliefs.

I dunno. I'm just trying to stay awake cause I don't feel like going to bed yet - the result of which is this half-ass blog post.

And no, I'm not sorry.

But I do love you :o)

-Love Marylin.

Wendy McNeill

2009-07-07T01:40:00.001-04:00

My cab driver was playing this album and I was really into it so I asked him who it was and made sure not to forget so I could look it up when I got home.

And I'm glad I did, because this is really fucking good. I love finding new music I love.

You can hear more at http://wendymcneill.com and http://myspace.com/wendymcneill.

Enjoy.

-Love Marylin.

Impermanence

2009-06-30T23:59:00.001-04:00

I keep trying to write about things that are going on in my life but it's just not happening. I'm just feeling too emotionally crazy right now to talk about anything mundane.

I've been watching a very long documentary, 'Walking With Dinosaurs' or something like that and it is extremely humbling and for some reason that makes me feel better.

Life on Earth began hundreds of millions of years ago. Since then, species have lived, evolved, strived, struggled, and died out. Even the dinosaurs, for example, who reined for a few million years... poof, gone.

Also since the beginning of life on this planet, the Earth has undergone so many major changes that have effected whether a species lives on or dies out. Major, MAJOR shifts in weather... millions of years of ideal tropical weather to millions of years of extreme cold and ice.

Extinction has been a matter of fact throughout history - no species is exempt from it. There are so many species today that it happens a lot more often then we're even aware of.

All it took was a comet hitting the Earth to wipe out the dinosaurs: they were just fine until that happened.

But of course, that could never happen to us, right?

It's not like, history repeats itself, or life works in cycles...

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make here, is that we humans have been here about a hundred thousand years or so. We're an arrogant creature who tends to believe we'll always be around, that nothing so horrible could happen in our lifetimes, that nothing like that is bound to happen for millions of years in the future, yada yada yada.

But logically, we should know without much doubt, that our fate is indeed, extinction. There's no reason it can't happen today as easily as it could happen in ten million years. We don't know. The earth will continue to change and go through cycles that inevitably change the climate and weather patterns - thus effecting all living things, from vegetation to humanity.

I'm sitting here, writing this at the bottom of what was once a very large, deep lake. Life if weird, and in its weirdness is awesome, uncontrollable, impermanent, and a never ending source of our curiousity.

It is by luck/fate that humans developed these large brains, giving us the ability to rise to the top of the food chain using technology rather than our own physical devices. We are unique in this way.

But I believe it's this uniqueness that allows us to be so arrogant and believe our species is so special as to be the only one in history to ever avoid the forces of nature and be exempt from extinction.

It's the same arrogance that allows us to believe life doesn't exist anywhere in the universe but here on earth, even though the universe is so ginormous that I don't think there's even a word suitable enough to describe how large it really is (and it never stops expanding).

We are smart, that's for sure. And there's a reason we evolved to be what we are. I won't pretend to know what that reason is, but I do believe everything happens for a reason.

What I don't believe, is that the earth is quite finished with us yet... we try to defeat nature, but we never do, not permanently anyway.

So, our species has been around for about a hundred thousand years. And only at the tail of hundreds of millions of years of life on the planet. Our existence is just a small fraction of history. We're pretty new to the game and there's no telling how long we'll be around.

And like I said, that is very humbling, and for some reason, makes me happy. Kinda takes the pressure off in a way, doesn't it?

Following this theme of impermanence, I watched a video earlier tonight (it came up in my feed reader) on the same subject, aptly titled Impermanence. It's a talk given by a monk on the subject of the Buddhist philosophy that nothing is permanent, everything is always changing.

I needed to hear it at this time. Emotions shift poles. Bodies live and die. The current changes. The mountain erodes. Nothing is permanent but our true selves. This too shall pass. I am not my body or my mind, I only have them to use as I see fit.

More peacefully humbling truths.
A lot for one day, but then again, good lessons to learn on days like this where all I feel like doing is lying in bed because I'm so depressed.

-Love Marylin.

Earthlings

2009-06-20T19:22:00.001-04:00

Watch this.

Because if you can't, you have no right to eat meat.

-Love Marylin.

A Lot

2009-06-18T22:28:00.001-04:00

Change is inevitable. Nothing ever stays exactly the same, nothing. ever. Yet, from moment to moment, everything seems so predictable.

You never expect anything extraordinary is going to happen, and if you do, that doesn't mean it will.

If you're happy. If you're in love. You assume it's going to last forever, because, well, why wouldn't it? What could possibly happen to destroy such happiness?

Thoughts of a very naive girl.

Life is ever moving, ever turning - falling and rising - crying and laughing.

I started out intent on being casual. Fought it. Been fighting it for a long time now.

I fight it because you want me to.

I fight it because I hold onto the hope that eventually all my fighting will have paid off and I can look you in the eye and tell you, "I'm over it."

But I'm not. Not even close.

And that makes me hate myself.

It's just too much to be contained, too much truth and emotion to bottle, to pin down, to articulate.

I am both genius and stupid when it comes to you.

-Love Marylin.

Geeks Are Sexy

2009-06-17T12:51:00.002-04:00

Showing VS Telling... is actually pretty hard when you're trying to do it on purpose. But let's keep that between you and I and pretend all my writing comes out flawlessly and effortlessly - shhhhhh.

Myself and a few members of my writing group are collaborating on a collection of short fantasy stories, making this - let me see - my first attempt at writing fantasy. Yeah, so I'm a bit out of my element, which is good, don't get me wrong, it's always good to step out of ones comfort zone, but it is also a bit nerve racking.

I haven't even thought of a story to write: I just sat down and started writing and I have no idea where it came from or where it's going but there it is.

Last night was the Think Haus meeting - fun stuff. Men are silly creatures! But they are fun creatures nonetheless so it's all good. We're planning on having at Maker Faire at the end of the summer, but keep that on the down-low cause we JUST started planning.

Lots of projects going on. Tonight is a super top sekret meeting for a super top sekret project so mind your fucking business! ;)

This Saturday Jodie and I are gonna hit the Maker's Market downtown. I'm not entirely sure what that is, but I'm almost positive it involves many booths with many artisans selling their wares. Homemade stuff rocks!

Next weekend I'm getting picked up by a strange man (love you Ronny!) and being driven up to Barrie where I will get shit-faced with my awesome friends Sunny, Blake, Lexi, the aforementioned strange man, and some other hobos. I have not been drunk in a while so don't judge! lol It's all for Canada Day... that's right... Canada Day.

The Black Dahlia.

I chose the movie because Mia Kirshner is in it and she is hot. So maybe that was a bad thing to base a choice on? I think so, because the movie kinda sucked. Plus, she was barely in it! I don't want to look at Scarlett Johansson thank you very much!

Oooh! Onto yet another subject, I'm going to Ikea tomorrow morning for the first time, and though I hate the idea of Ikea, I have heard that it is indeed a weird place to be so I wanna see for myself :P

Today is fun with Don day.

Uninteresting blog post written - check.

Be good.

-Love Marylin.

Eat And Breathe

2009-06-13T23:04:00.004-04:00

Holy shit it's been a while.

I'm sitting at my desk in my new studio/office/workspace (choose one) and I fuck-ing-love-it. I pulled it all together today and it's pretty much done. My desk is so much bigger, I have storage, I have a balcony with sunlight and fresh-air - the only thing I can complain about at the moment is the white-trash neighbours who sit outside and drink beer while talking much too loudly about nothing and occasionally getting into a verbal match where whoever can swear at the other the loudest and most inappropriately wins.

But I say, they're all winners *thumbs up*

I live in one of the good neighbourhoods in Hamilton and these people stick out like a sore thumb.

Anyway, I can't let myself get stressed out about it. I've been in de-stress mode since last Sunday morning at meditation.

You see, when meditating, one is still. Breathe. Relax. Let thoughts drift away. Bring awareness to the moment. It's a wonderful thing. Jodie and I started going to Sunday morning meditation at a Buddhist temple up the mountain and we both loved going - it made the whole rest of the week better. But we stopped going due to early mornings being hard and most likely approaching cold weather.

Now it's about a year later and we're dragging our asses back into Bodhisattva-ness damnit.

Last Sunday was our first time back and it was an eye-opener.

I sat on the cushion, tried to relax, breathe, close my eyes.

First sensation - racing thoughts. Not just racing thoughts, but thoughts flashing by at a frequency so fast that I could hardly decipher what the thoughts were about.

Since last summer I've been working pretty hard at not having to think those thoughts that make me worried, sad, anxious, afraid, etc. T.V. on every night, all night long as I slept because the t.v. would allow me to fall asleep without having to be alone with my thoughts. The t.v. was the distraction. I didn't care what was on, as long as it distracted me, put my brain on zombie mode, I guess you could say.

Having the t.v. on while you sleep is SO bad for you. You don't get a proper rest and you don't remember your dreams. You wake up feeling gross. Also, it's addicting.

When I wake up in the morning the first thing I do is check my email, and then I'm pretty much on the computer all day. More distraction.

I'd been living like this for months and months and I had no idea I was even stressed out.

So last Sunday was the first time in a LONG time that I was forced to be completely quiet, still, aware, and it was as if all those thoughts I'd been distracting myself from came flooding through, the damn had broke. It was disturbing.

I then became aware of my breathing. Breathe in, breathe out. Long, slow, smooth breaths - that's what I tried to do... except my breaths came out short, shaky, and uneven. I couldn't breathe, that's how stressed I was.

My third sensation was pain. Nothing new, but it was worse than usual - perhaps because I was attempting to unclench from months of a stiff, tight body? Or perhaps it was merely because I was paying attention.

It was a horrible morning and left me depressed for the rest of the day. But it also opened my eyes to how poorly I take care of myself. So I decided then and there that I couldn't go on like that anymore and here I am a week later, already feeling so much better.

It's really sad when you tell your shrink that you "started to eat and breathe this week." I didn't realize how crazy that sounded till she pointed it out. Shit. What the fuck am I doing to myself?

Right. So tomorrow morning is attempt number two at meditating - I look forward to it.

Oh, and I've canceled my cable so there's nothing on anymore. Ha!

It appears as though I've rambled on quite a bit already. You might wanna take a bathroom break, cause I have a lot more to talk about.

Okay you're back! lol

George.

George racked up a $450 vet bill the other week (talk about stress). You may remember me mentioning that I took pictures of his asshole? Well I took him to the vet and it turned out he had a bladder infection - apparently bladder infections do weird things to male cats *shrugs.* He had to stay at the vet for two nights and they sent him home with two different medications and a plastic cone around his neck.

First let me tell you: George just might look cuter when he's wearing his cone then when he's not. It's too sweet to describe - I have to recommend getting your cat a cone. Pictures are coming, don't worry.

George is also freakishly undisturbed by this huge cone around his neck: he's been wearing it for a week and a half straight with zero problems. And don't tell him I told you this, but the thing is on so loosely that he could just slip his head out of it if he wanted to.
My theory? He doesn't want to.

I didn't get off that easy though. He's being so stubborn about taking his pills. I've tried disguising them in all kinds of yummy things - bacon even! He's onto me. He knows what's up. He eats around the pill or he eats the food then spits the pill out, still intact!

I've had good luck for the past two days with some wet food and cat milk so I just pray it lasts till he's done his meds cause he needs to get rid of his infection - poor guy.

And that's what's up with George - he has an exciting life.

Encyclopedia Dramatica.

Heard of it?

Me neither. Well, at least up till a few weeks ago. Now I know very well what it is. It seems my epic Suzi Blu blog post caught their attention and inspired an article of their own - it's apparently part of a series on whores, according the site. Karma really is a bitch.

On to more important things: I've watched three Monty Python movies so far and they rock: Holy Grail, Life Of Brian, and Meaning Of Life. I feel there's a good chance I might start 'getting' the references people make now lol.

I also got in a few other movies in the past couple weeks:

Chaplin - definitely good enough to own. Jersey Girl - wtf? I'd like my hour and a half back please. The Hours - I've probably watched this six times in the past two weeks and have officially added it to my list of favourites. He's Just Not That Into You - no.

The white trash are blasting hip-hop... bad hip-hop.

Hey, while I'm on pet-peeves, is it just me or is it incredibly annoying when the elevator door opens and you start to walk out but people start walking in instead of letting you walk out first? Isn't it proper elevator etiquette to let those who are in the elevator get off before the people waiting for the elevator get on? Yes, I think it is. And if it's isn't, it damn well should be.

I think that's good enough for now as far as blog posts go.

For me, blogging is cathartic, so when I go a while without doing it, I start getting a bit antsy.

P.S. My mum unloaded a fuck-ton of good quality oil paints and some acrylics too. I'm going to take a bath in them now.

-Love Marylin.

Nothing To See Here

2009-05-30T21:54:00.001-04:00

Where do I even begin creating a banner/header for my blog? I used to be half-decent at doing that stuff, now I'd rather hire someone. Anyway, I need to make one as soon as possible because the current one just isn't cutting it for me.

My dear friend, Brenda, gave birth to a baby boy today - that is awesome, she's always wanted to be a mother and now she is... can't wait to meet him, he probably has red hair just like his mommy!

I had big plans for the weekend, plans to get a lot of shit done, but I haven't been able to stop sleeping! I have no idea why I'm so tired, but tired I am and I've done practically nothing productive.

Meh, my body wants sleep, I'll give it sleep, and get to work when I'm nice and rested.

I took pictures of George's asshole earlier today.

Yup, kitty porn. And no, I'm not joking. There's something wrong with his asshole and I needed to show Lexi - the queen of cat butts to get her opinion.

The things I do for those I love...

Another trip to the vet may be in store. Yay.

I can't write for shit when I'm this tired.

Sean brought some movies over the other night, all of which I've never seen. We watched 'A Fish Called Wanda' - very funny! He also brought 'Spaceballs' and since I've never seen 'Star Wars' I might not 'get it' but hopefully it'll be entertaining anyway.

Last but not least, he brought 'Monty Python - The Holy Grail' - my first time seeing any Monty Python! I watched half of it last night and give it the thumbs up. I'll watch the other half tonight and I'm sure this will just make me want to watch the other ones.

It's pretty bad, all the movies/shows I have not seen. Scary, really. You'd think I was raised Amish or some such weirdness.

Aaaanyway, Sean is helping me get a proper movie education. He also brought over a saw for me to borrow... don't ask!

Speaking of movies, Jodie is a bit of a film-connoisseur and did a very good thing - she started a blog about it! It's brand new, but I recommend subscribing cause she does know films! It's aptly named, She Watches Too Many Movies.

Did I mention how tired I am?

Anyway, this is my favourite part so far of the Monty Python Movie:

-Love Marylin.

The Perfect Drug

2009-05-26T23:36:00.001-04:00

My niece, Amelie, is eight months old and she is a freak of nature.

I mean that in the good way: she is going from not really crawling, to being able to stand up and walk while holding onto something. I think that's just nuts! She "crawls" by standing on her feet and hands... it's quite something.

Mind you I have little to no experience with babies so perhaps that is not so abnormal, but I think it's just amazing.

She is also ginormous and so strong. I think she's probably pretty close to being a perfect baby.

I love her to death but don't get to see her often and I really, really hate that.

She's the happiest being I've ever met and she infects you with it... better than any medication.

I wish this world wasn't so fucked up.

-Love Marylin.

Another Test

2009-05-25T01:03:00.001-04:00

And this is what the test looks like. was recruited to help write the script for a team headed by a member of my writer's group. The team consisted of myself and the producer, Steve, as well as Sean, Mike, and one or two other guys whose names are escaping me (John and Tim? Something like that, anyway) as writers, a director whose name I also do not recall, Ted, whose role to me is unclear but was a helpful one, Jeanette - who rocks, and an actress who I did not meet because I wasn't involved in the filming process and she was the actress.

We met at Sean's and waited for the phone call telling us what our line, prop, and location was - until we received that information, we couldn't really do much.

But when the phone call came, it was pretty bad: the prop was a Canadian flag, the line was "show me the money," and the location was inside a car. Probably some of the shittiest prompts I've ever heard in combination. "Show me the money"? Yikes.

-Love M

Action!

2009-05-23T23:02:00.003-04:00

Okay The Hamilton 24 Hour Film Festival. Approximately three weeks later, I will now blog about it.

The Hamilton 24 Hour Film Festival is a film making contest in it's second year. The gist of how it works is you get people together to form a team and sign up. Each team receives the same line, prop, and location and the contest begins.

For the next 24 hours, your team has to conceive, write, film, and edit a movie that is no more than five minutes long and utilizes the line, prop, and location given.

The film must be handed in within 24 hours, not a minute later, or it is disqualified.

Sound like fun folks? Well it is.

I was recruited to help write the script for a team headed by a member of my writer's group. The team consisted of myself and the producer, Steve, as well as Sean, Mike, and one or two other guys whose names are escaping me (John and Tim? Something like that, anyway) as writers, a director whose name I also do not recall, Ted, whose role to me is unclear but was a helpful one, Jeanette - who rocks, and an actress who I did not meet because I wasn't involved in the filming process and she was the actress.

We met at Sean's and waited for the phone call telling us what our line, prop, and location was - until we received that information, we couldn't really do much.

But when the phone call came, it was pretty bad: the prop was a Canadian flag, the line was "show me the money," and the location was inside a car. Probably some of the shittiest prompts I've ever heard in combination. "Show me the money"? Yikes.

Brainstorming ensued and was slow coming - I had pretty much nuthin' but that's not new for me. I'd say I spent the majority of the night poo-pooing other people's ideas LOL - okay no I don't mean that in the way you're thinking! I just mean that I wanted to make sure the story was believable, that it wouldn't make the audience have to fill in the blanks, and that is wasn't obvious. I was hoping for something original.

Mind you, this wasn't my baby, it was Steve's, but I just wanted to do the best we could.

I know very little about writing for the screen and I've only done it once before this experience. I did spend a good chunk of the afternoon beforehand making notes but they didn't come in handy after all.

Let me tell you something else, I learned a whole lot about the differences between men and women when it comes to what they like to see, how they think, and what kind of ideas they have. Because before Jeanette arrived, I was the only person there without a penis - out-numbered I tell you! Suffice it to say that sex and violence were popular themes, especially stuck together, and in the end, that is what won out.

Now it's not like we had a lot to go with - I think we had two or three ideas altogether, which is kinda scary if you think about it cause we were there for hours brainstorming lol. But the chosen idea, for me, was bad. It wasn't anyone's bad idea, it was just too hastily dealt with. And again, this was not my baby, so the fact that I hated the idea didn't mean much - I was the minority.

The idea I would have gone with was very original and GOOD. It had only one issue but I think that issue could have been fixed quite easily.

The idea we went with was very cliche and BAD. The line was included in a completely unbeleivable way, it was offensive, unrealistic, incomplete, and compeltely testosterone fueled. The only thing about it that was good was the utilization of the prop. That was clever.

Aren't I the critic eh? Not a drop of experience and I'm snobbing it up! :P

What I am, though, is a writer. I am also a reader and a movie watcher. So I'm standing on that ;)

Where was I? Write. Writing, yes. Writing began: the four scenes were split up so the writing would go more quickly - I chose the last scene.

I learned that I suck at writing scripts hahaha. No seriously... I was the last to finish, I presented pages of writing where a few would have been more than enough from what I gather. Kind of embarrassing but whatcha gonna do?

But that was it, my part in the process was complete but I hung out for a while longer cause I like to watch stuff happen: Sean wrote the final draft in proper format and the story line was being done almost as soon as Sean finished typing the words.

What happened next I do not know: it was around 4-5am and my eyelids were getting droopy so home I went and left the rest to make movie magic.

They had to finish the story board, then do all that filming stuff (which I kinda would have liked to observe cause it's cool), then do the editing and hand it in to be scrutinized, analyzed, criticized, and ultimately judged by some important people I've never heard of.

The following weekend would be the awards event where we would find out how well our fair film actually fared. I'm not even gonna go into why I didn't attend this gala, because I really really wanted to - it was red carpet for saint Peter's sake! So I'll just move onto the conclusion.

I believe there were around 27ish teams in total who entered the competition this year and I believe our film ended up placing around 16-17ish? I don't remember what was said at the moment but I'm sure I'm close enough. I was surprised, I gotta say.

And there ya go, project film festival finis!

I had a a lot of fun participating in this. It was very frustrating but also so rewarding. I felt useful, which is rare for me these days, and there's a good chance I'll do it all over again if given the opportunity.

This may seem funny, but I haven't actually seen the film yet. I am currently working on getting hold of a copy - there's not way I can't watch a film that I helped create, that would just be foolishness. And when I do see it, I will let you all know what I think. Maybe I'll end up eating my words, you never know.

So there ya go. And thanks to Steve for attributing this to the Hamilton Writers group, that was really cool.

And... cut.

-Love Marylin.

The Popcorn Was Good

2009-05-22T23:24:00.002-04:00

Went and saw 'Angels & Demons' with Jodie tonight: the verdict? It was just as good/bad as 'The Da Vinci Code' was, a.k.a. it was better than a kick in the head.

Going to see a movie can be fun, but I rarely ever do. Why? Most movies that are played in theaters where I live aren't worth the trouble. If I want to see them bad enough, I'll wait and pirate the damn thing. Arrrrr! I was going to say, 'most movies they play in theaters (period) aren't worth the trouble' but Jodie says apparently they do have worthy movies played in other cities, like Toronto, for instance. Well I never go to Toronto so that sucks for me.

But as I was saying, most new movies (ahem Hollywood) are what I like to call "distraction movies." They serve the purpose of numbing my mind when I need to stop thinking and relax and forget my troubles and be distracted from life. They also sometimes provide laughs as a bonus.

I don't understand the industry, I just don't. They're remaking 'Melrose Place'? WTF is what I have to say to that. Why do they keep remaking everything! It always makes me feel bad for those ideas that are pushed aside in lieu of what's 'hot' - a real artist put work into something original and new, and we get to see a cast of bad actors in a t.v. show that is better off left alone... to live peacefully in film heaven, where bad shows/movies go to die.

So I pay for cable and rarely change the channel - it's almost exclusively on channel 44 - Comedy Central. I put it on for distraction and because 90% of what's on t.v. is just. so. sad. And I'm not talking depressing.

And I've been twiddling my thumbs for over a year waiting for 'The Rum Diary' and 'Dali & I: The Surreal Story' to come out. Those are the only two movies I'm whole-heartedly eager to hand over cash to see on the big screen. They're both supposed to come out this year, but who knows. I know that 'The Rum Diary' is in production only because I've seen pictures of Johnny Depp on set. As for the Dali film, I've heard squat.

Realistically, if these two films end up being GOOD, they will likely end up going straight to DVD *shakes head*

In the meantime, I think I'll save my money and stay home.

-Love Marylin

Blog Withdrawal

2009-05-21T21:00:00.002-04:00

Hello!

I feel like I haven't blogged in forever! I guess I got away with it for having written a novelette last week. That was interesting... an experience I've never had that's for sure. I wrote this entry expecting a few angry comments, a few ugly words flung at me for outing their previously untouchable queen of mixed media. Not so. Here I am, two weeks later and there is currently about 1090 comments posted.

Turns out my story wasn't so different then the experience of quite a few others and my entry was the "event" or gateway they needed to speak about it.

During these two weeks, I experienced a lot of ignorant folks (or, to be fair, ignorant comments) that leave me still scratching my head in bewilderment. I now realize that people will only see what they want to see. They will only believe what they want to believe, or what keeps things safe for them. People will skip the important parts, and when that happens, there's just no use in discussing it. A lot like conversations I've had with Christians (no offense, I speak about certain ones, not all of them).

But if you start with the truth, continue with the truth, and come out at the end with the truth, you've done the best you can.

There is now a place for people to talk about their experiences with this woman without fear. That is a wonderful thing and it will stay right where it is.

Anyway, onwards and upwards!

Now that I've got that ton of bricks off my shoulders, I'm sticking my nose in a bunch of other awesome endeavors.

I'm moving my workspace (hopefully by next week) into the other room where it is bigger and has a balcony! I'll get to enjoy the natural lighting and that yummy fresh air I never get enough of. Just need to figure out how to set up all the crazy internet wires again (I'm not used to the cable set up) and I'm good to go. I'm excited!!!!

There is a good possibility that I will be joining the Arts Hamilton Literary Advisory Committee - apparently Hamilton has Literary Awards, how did I not know this?

I've started a collaborative writing project with some of the members of my writing group: it's an idea that was raised probably a year ago but nothing ever happened with it.

It should be fun, help get people writing, and hopefully come out in the end with a publishable piece.

Project hackspace has come quite a ways in the past few weeks: a location has been found and the lease is to be signed any day now I believe. So June 1st is probably when we 'get' the place. Though I'm still waiting to see how involved I'm going to be in this whole thing. It's funny though, a bunch of nerds who all think they're the best at stuff (myself and Don included) so it makes for an interesting time - everyone of us as arrogant as the next lol.

I've been enjoying talking with Poe, Camille, and Kelly again more often now that all cats are outta the bag - I love my internet friends :P Sunny is my internet friend as well but she lives so close that she's practically a rl friend too - especially when I go visit her, which I'm sure will happen sometime in the near future. Then I get to meet Lexi toooooooo!!!! woot!

Other than all that, I have a few other projects that I'm not gonna tell you about because they're none of your fucking business.

Just kidding, no, they're not ready to reveal yet so you'll just have to wait ;)

And no I haven't forgotten about the Hamilton 24 Hour Film Festival that I have yet to talk about - sheesh I'm behind on things... it's coming!

It feels good to blog again, that was a loooong two weeks and I missed you guys.

You shall hear from me again soon,

-Love Marylin.

Coming Out Of Hiding

2009-05-05T22:54:00.002-04:00

I went to the park today. I probably wouldn't have gone to the park if I hadn't promised my therapist I would. Ya see she's trying to help me have a better quality of life so that the work the meds are doing aren't going to waste. She wants me to take advantage of any energy and motivation I'm feeling, which is easier said than done.

She made me choose something extremely simple to do but it had to be something that I actually wanted to do and would benefit from, otherwise I would be overwhelmed and even if I achieved the goal, would likely not stick to it in the long term.

It's a really weird therapy process that I have never heard of, yet it's so simple and makes so much sense. It takes into account how hard it is for people to take action in their lives in whatever way necessary when they're so used to hiding away in their apartment, no longer capable of maintaining any real schedule, thus being overwhelmed by the simplest of tasks... not even the task itself, just the idea of it: it has to be done - it seems monstrous when it's really very small and simple. If I have to do two things in one day? Forget about it! That becomes so overwhelming that I usually end up not doing either thing... there may be no logic in it, but it feels as real as the air we're breathing.

My existence consists of spending the day and night in my one bedroom apartment, mostly doing something on the computer. Sometimes I have to clean. Sometimes I have to shower. Sometimes I have to cook! Sometimes I have to run errands (omg).

I go out to socialize occasionally, but not much, and it's usually places where I'm already comfortable being like a friend's place, or my writer's meetings.

(the phone is ringing - I'm too scared to answer it because I don't know who it is). I hate talking on the phone and only do so when absolutely necessary, so I'm sure that has some effect on my social interaction.

I've been living like this (well actually I'm doing a lot better than I was) for years now... most of my twenties have been a losing battle.

So to the people who are reading this and wondering why I don't just CHANGE already, it is because it's all I know. I have mental illness, it makes me act and react and feel in ways that are often completely void of logic. It is quite possible that if I had gotten the proper help years ago, I would be living a very different life right now... but that's not the way life works... things tend to happen when they're meant to happen.

What the hell was this blog post about again?

Right, I went to the park.

And for reasons I cannot explain, I was sick to my stomach with anxiety at the thought of actually GOING to the park. I have no idea why. That kinda made me realize just how serious this is: if walking two blocks up the street to the park and sitting at a bench journaling for a half hour makes me that anxious and afraid, I must really have a problem because I did not anticipate that happening. Why would I? I'm not agoraphobic and I'm usually fine going out by myself when I feel like it... so what gives?

And then I got to the park and I seriously felt like people were laughing at me. No logic.

I found a picnic bench and proceeded to journal. I journaled about what I was thinking about the whole going to the park thing. The longer I sat there, the more relaxing and enjoyable the experience was. I kept trying not to look up from my journal because I didn't want to see anyone looking at me (wtf) but when I did, I noticed a girl had sat down at another bench by herself to read a book.

I tried not to look at her because I didn't want people to look at me so I thought I'd give her the same courtesy.

So I laughed at myself for being such an idiot and continued my journaling.

I stayed for fourty five minutes and would have stayed longer if it hadn't been so chilly (I despise cold!).

The walk home was better, except I thought this creepy looking man was following me so that was kinda scary, but I was just being paranoid o_O

So I don't know what any of this means, it's too big for me to try to wrap my mind around right now, too overwhelming.

I'm being guided by a very capable therapist toward a better quality of life and I believe if she sticks with me, it just might work!
But at the same time I'm still terrified. I'm still afraid to set any goals right now - if I make something a goal, I will be letting myself down for the millionth time if I fail. If it's not a goal and I fail, it's not as big a deal. It's stupid, but that's where I am right now.

Except for this going to the park business that I was tricked into doing ;) I'm supposed to do it two times this week and I'm afraid I won't be able to go a second time because it's supposed to rain all the way till Saturday. Or maybe I'm more relieved than scared.

Whatever.

I have a lot more to talk about but I'll have to do it in another post. More literary fun, film festival fun, stupid people doing stupid things, and creepy dates.

-Love Marylin

A Flu By Any Other Name

2009-05-03T14:26:00.002-04:00

You know it's the "end of the world" when pigs fly.

The World Health Organization has declared ‘a public health emergency of international concern,’ defined by them as ‘an occurrence or imminent threat of illness or health conditions caused by bioterrorism, epidemic or pandemic disease, or highly fatal infectious agents or toxins that pose serious risk to a significant number of people.’

Known to you and I as Swine Flu.

Now they're having us call it H1N1 because people weren't buying pork due to fear of becoming infected.

But it's too late to erase the damage that the name 'Swine Flu' has begun to inflict on the pork industry: the name 'Swine Flu' has become too common, too catchy, for H1N1 to replace it.

The US agriculture secretary has only just initiated the name change. Could they not have foreseen that a "pandemic" called 'Swine Flu' would cause issues for the pork industry? Of course they did. Now they're saying, "oops, ok, call it this now" but they know they've already planted the seed.

And if they wanted to make it clear that this flu isn't pig-related, why are some farms being quarantined?

So what motivations could there possibly be for putting the pork industry at risk?

Well, for those of you who don't know, the Rockerfeller funded, Monsanto, has been trying to get a patent on the pig. Yep. They want to officially own the species, this is the future.

This would mean big money for Monsanto, with which the US government has many connections, which equals big profit for members of government, thus motivation to destroy the pork industry.

In comes Monsanto to save the day. Now their attempts to patent the pig are what saves the industry, rather than destroys it.

Why would the government allow anyone to become ill or die though? The government wouldn't do that.

Well this isn't the first time they've tried to instill fear into people to achieve their own ends - they love their fear tactics.

So many possibilities... how easy would it be to pin this on terrorists? It's a perfect plan all around. More fear of terrorists means more war. The war is a cash cow as well as a great way to keep citizens under control by making them afraid and then coming in to "save the day."

Well that's not all ladies and gentlemen: don't forget about the pharmaceutical companies ginormous profit from the cure for this horrible, deadly swine flu. And if I know people, I know that most of them are going to be jumping on that vaccine bandwagon, the same way they line up every flu season for their annual flu shot.

Which wouldn't be so bad if the vaccine, Tamiflu, didn't have horrific effects - please watch this video and for the love of god, do not take Tamiflu! Especially anyone under the age of 19.

I'm not even going to go into why they would want to give the public such a dangerous drug, the information I'm talking about is already over-whelming to those who haven't done their research (or didn't know there was ever a reason to).

Listen, if I die from swine flu, then you can take the damn vaccine and say "I told you so."

This was written in a hurry because I wanted to get it out there (I didn't have to do any research before realizing the connections and it was making me too sick to my stomach to not say anything) and I'm sure it's not the only piece talking about these same issues. So forgive me for not providing more research to back all this up. I urge anyone reading this to add to it by leaving more information, links, etc. in the comments.

If you think I'm a nut-job, please prove me wrong and research for yourself, the more you research, the better.

I'd like to build on this, so again, if I've missed important facts (which I'm sure I did) or you think some other points should be made, leave a comment.

-Love Marylin